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that one avengers group chat

Chapter Text

TonyStark added Steve, Clint, natasha, rhodeyy, Sam, and Bruce to unnamed
TonyStark changed the name too The Avengers

Steve: Excuse me for asking, but what is this exactly?

TonyStark: Its a group chat for all the avengers cap thought that was kinda obvious

Steve: Oh.

Steve: Was this made to make things less awkward after what happened in Germany?

TonyStark: Well the compounds been kinda quiet without you guys lately and you have no idea how much this hurts to say but I miss being a team

rhodeyy: Cut the crap Tony. The only reason this was made was because the kid really wanted to meet the other avengers and you can't make that happen until everyone is on good terms.

TonyStark: Its those damn puppy dog eyes

Steve: Language

Clint: WAIT THERES A KID

Clint: YOU HAVE A C H I L D

Sam: HOW DID WE NOT KNOW THIS

TonyStark: Nope hes not mine and before yall start asking all information is classified right now and if anyone even tries to find him I will kill you and slice off your big toes

natasha: dang

Sam: Why is that so specific

rhodeyy: Irondad mode: activated

Sam: I really want to meet him but now im scared for my toes

Steve: Moving on to respect Tony’s wishes, how is everyone?

Clint: Dead inside

TonyStark: Same

Sam: Me too

natasha: thanks for asking but im feeling a bit murderous

Bruce: Wait is that even a feeling

Clint: Idk your the doctor man

Steve: If Natasha says it is I don't think anyone should question it for safety reasons

rhodeyy: Couldn’t agree more

natasha: glad were all in agreement here

TonyStark has left the chat

Clint: Did he die

Sam: He probably went to his lab or something

rhodeyy: Bold of you to assume he ever leaves his lab

Steve: Well i'm sure he had a good reason to leave

TonyStark has entered the chat

TonyStark: Sorry about that y'all

Sam: Where in the name of kfc chicken did you go

TonyStark: Spidey came through my lab window again without telling me and it scared the demons inside of me so much I dropped my phone

Clint: Wait isn't Spider-man an avenger shouldn’t he be here

rhodeyy: Tones don't you dare add that little spawn of satan

TonyStark: Hes reading the messages oh no

Sam: What's happening

TonyStark: Omg hes adding himselsjljflsjfjflsdl

rhodeyy: Shit.

TonyStark added spiderman to unnamed

spiderman: hi

Chapter Text

TonyStark: Lemme change my name real quick

Bruce: Wait why?

spiderman: wait mr. stark i have a questionnnn

TonyStark changed their name to ITSTONYKID

ITSTONYKID: Thats why.

spiderman: stahp attacking me

spiderman: anyway back to my question

spiderman: are yall really the avengers or just some weird roleplay gc bc if so im going to have to leave

ITSTONYKID: I'm not sure why exactly this is a concern but they're all real avengers

spiderman: thats what they always say

Sam: Excuse me storytime NOW

spiderman: take a chill pill

spiderman: plus its only happened a few times

Clint: Spidey with all due respect

Clint: What the ever loving fuck

natasha: ajhdlkjldsj kid-

Steve: Don't worry Spider-man everyone here is an actual avenger.

spiderman: vell vell if it isnt captain america

natasha: but it is me

spiderman: no its an expression

natasha: your nazi tricks wont work on me

spiderman: OMGOMG MR STARK DID YOU SEE T H A T

spiderman: SHE KNOWS VINES WE STAN JFDHLDHHDSLF

spiderman: IM SCREAMING

ITSTONYKID: I can confirm he is indeed screaming.

ITSTONYKID: Nat I think you broke him come fix this

Bruce: Would anyone mind explaining what just happened?

Clint: I think Nat knows some me-mes

-

Sam: Where's the jelly for my sandwich yall

spiderman: a valid question

Sam: And don't bull shit me the canned jam stuff im talking all fake squeezy shit

Steve: Oh, the strawberry one? I got rid of it.

spiderman: b r u h why

Clint: you've made a grave mistake cap

Sam: WHY WOULD YOU GET RID OF IT ITS THE ONLY THING I HAVE TO LOOK FORWARD TOO ANYMORE

ITSTONYKID: Wait you all live together?

Sam: Yeah, we got nowhere else to go

Sam: But im rethinking this decision as of the recent disappearance of my jelly

spiderman changed Sam’s name to nojamsam

Chapter Text

Clint: So Tony

ITSTONYKID: Yes?

nojamsam: We have a question

Clint: When can we meet your kid

spiderman: wut

spider-man: MR STARK HAS A KID

ITSTONYKID: I don't have a kid and spidey you’ve met him before

ITSTONYKID: Hes my intern remember

spiderman: omg i tots remember now

natasha: ok wait how has spidey met your ‘intern’ and we haven’t

spiderman: mr stark likes me the best

spiderman: and trust me you don't want to meet this intern

Steve: Excuse me?

spiderman: he’s a bitch.

spiderman: one time he called me out for not having a real job like mind your own business damn

spiderman; it doesn't even end there lemme tell u how horrible this intern is

ITSTONYKID: i-

ITSTONYKID kicked spider-man from the chat

rhodeyy: Omg he didn't

Clint: Is it bad that I still want to meet him possibly even more than before

natasha: tony i need to meet this intern now

rhodeyy: Tony's about to go all irondad now that you all think his sons bad

rhodeyy: Hes been typing furiously at his phone for a solid 3 minutes now yall are dead

ITSTONYKID: I don't even have the words to describe how amazing the kid is. He's everything good in this world all rolled up into one. He wouldn’t inflict hurt on to anyone even if it means hurting himself. That's how selfless he is. So if I hear any one of you talk even the slightest bit badly about him lets just say it won't end well and you will never and I repeat never meet this wonderful joy filled human being. Do I make myself clear?

nojamsam: Yes sir

natasha: well ok then

Clint: Wait but why isnt spidey getting yelled at

Irondad: Because

rhodeyy: What tony means is

rhodeyy: Thats his other dumbass child who he could never yell at

rhodeyy has changed ITSTONYKID’s name to irondad

rhodeyy has changed spiderman’s name too spiderson

nojamsam has added spiderson to the chat

spiderson: wait whatd i miss

-----
spiderson: we may have an issue mr starc

irondad: Kid you alright?

Clint: Spidey you good?

spiderson: depends

irondad: So help me if you got stabbed again-

spiderson: nono its not that

Steve: Glad to hear you didn't get stabbed Spider-man.

spiderson: ive been shot this time lol

FRIDAY has entered the chat

FRIDAY: Hello, as Mr. Stark is unavailable to respond at the moment as he is currently flying at maximum speed to reach Spider-man, I have been asked to relay a message.

FRIDAY: “Tell Spider-man that if he pulls this shit again i'm banning him from the lab for a week and telling May.”

spiderson: well damn

spiderman: tell him to calm his tits and im fine

FIRDAY: “Boss says he knows your bleeding out so cut the crap and he has no intentions of calming down until he knows you're ok”

spiderman: im going to cry now

natasha: from the pain or emotions

spiderman: both

nojamsam: That was so sweet i might cry too

Clint: I would but i'm still thinking about how spiderman told THE tony stark to calm his tits

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nojamsam: Kinda excited for tonight idk why

Clint: Yeah me too but mainly for the food

Clint: We haven’t had real food in what feels like monthsss

irondad: Wait seriously ? What do you guys want I was just gonna have Pep order for everyone

Steve: Tony it’s fine. Whatever Pepper has planned should be great!

irondad: I’ll relay the message then

spiderson has entered the chat

spiderson: CONGRATULATIONS MR. RHODEY SIR !!!

Bruce: What happened?

spiderson: none of y’all know ???

irondad: No? I know for a fact it’s not his birthday sooo

spiderson: mr. rhodey if u want to tell them you can i won’t take that away from you

rhodeyy: Kid I don’t even know so please do share

spiderson: alrighty then

spiderson: ITS THE 1 YEAR ANNIVERSARY OF WHEN HE STARTED WALKING AGAIN IVE HAD THIS ON MY CALENDAR FOR A WHOLE YEAR

spiderson: IM SO EXCITED

rhodeyy: I-

natasha: we must protect him at all costs.

natasha: hes too pure

rhodeyy: Can I give you a hug

spiderson: you can tonight!!!! i’ll get a gift for you after the hospital!

Clint: Why are you at the hospital is something wrong??? Did someone hurt you?

nojamsam: I’ll hurt them.

irondad: Wait for it

Bucky: He couldn’t get anymore pure.

spiderson: nonnooo! i go around and see the kids at children’s hospital every thursday! it’s rly cool and fun! the kids love it!!!

Bucky: I was wrong.

irondad: That’s my kid right there everyone literal angel

Clint: Not to be dramatic but I’d die for spider-man

natasha: same

nojamsam: Same

Bucky: Same

Steve: I think i speak for everyone when i say we all would.

spiderson: y’all are gonna make me criiii

spiderson: ilyallsm uwu

spiderson: ok well i gtg! ttyl

natasha: bye spidey

spiderson: byeee <3

spiderson has left the chat

Bruce: Tony your kids the best

irondad: I know

rhodeyy: I’m already the cool uncle so don’t even think about it

Clint: Awwww

nojamsam: But fr how did he know that

irondad: He once had surprise party for us because apparently 6 months ago he had his first official dinner with pep and I

irondad: I wouldn’t put it past him for a second.

natasha: thats sweet

irondad: Well aware some tears were shed

spiderson has entered the chat

spiderson: mr. stark they made drawings for me !!!!

Chapter Text

Clint: AJF;LAJDFLJDFLJ;A

natasha: i-

spiderson: IM S O R R Y OK

nojamsam: DONT BE SORRY I HAVENT LAUGHED THIS HARD IN A LONG TIME OML

rhodeyy: Spiderman as your favorite uncle I must ask you

Rhodeyy: What in the name of Thor went through your mind when you were making this very handsome roomba

Irondad has entered the chat

irondad: wHY IS THERE A GIANT ROOMBA WITH RHODEYS FACE ON IT

Irondad: ITS CHASING ME

irondad: SEND H E L P

irondad: ITS SINGING JINGLE BELLS WHAT IS THIS THING

nojamsam: AHAHAHHAHAH

Steve: Thats Spider Man's gift to Colonel Rhodes. I must say it frightened me too at first.

irondad: I LEAVE TO TELL PEPPER ONE THING AND THIS IS WHAT I COME BACK TOO

spiderson: yes.

irondad: You made this didn’t you

spiderson: we were gonna scare you with it but it looks like you already did that yourself

Clint: Im asking FRIDAY for the footage

natasha: already did that

Clint: Of course you did

nojamsam: This party has exceeded all expectations

Bucky: Can we please name the giant roomba

rhodeyy: Please dont

spiderson: oh we are so naming it

spiderson: how about karen 2.0

Bruce: Why 2.0?

spiderson: bc my AI name be karen and shes the og

Bucky: Should karen 2.0 be like the 40 year old mom Karen or Planktons wife in spongebob

spiderson: mr america what do you think

Irondad changed Steves name to mr.america

mr.america: Really?

irondad: Yes.

mr.america: If you're asking for my input, I think that we should go for more of a 40 year mom vibe because Karens are scary like the roomba.

Bruce: One time we were at a Mcdonalds and a person named Karen yelled at the worker because they only gave her 5 chicken nuggets instead of 6.

Bruce: It was a very frightening experience.

spiderson: karen 2.0 it is !!!!

rhodeyy: Kid did you get a picture from google

rhodeyy: I can literally see the stock photo logo

irondad: Oh my goodness this is a disaster

spiderson: dont you DARE speak to me and my son karen like that ever again mr. stark or im going to cry

spiderson: you dont want that on your conscience

irondad: Leave and take the scary roomba with you demon child

rhodeyy: Wait no I want it

irondad: You cant be serious right now

irondad: It sings fricken JINGLE BELLS on repeat

rhodeyy: But it has my face on it

spiderson: valid point

Chapter Text

spiderson: omg puny did not

spiderson: AHAHAH JUST WHEN I THOUGHT HE COULDN’T GET ANY MORE LAME

spiderson: also what even is his name its stupid

spiderson: penis parker is the worst person on the planet and he should burn in the sun

spiderson: no ill throw him into the sun myself

spiderson: now bc you are all his ‘weird fake avenger friends’ i highly suggest you stop talking to him even though youre all prolly like 40 hes still not cool enough for you

spiderson: i bet he did this role play avengers thing because he couldn’t get an actual stark internship

spiderson: thats because they don’t accept TRASH

spiderson: oh shi he found me

spiderson: nice chatting with yal

spiderson: SHITSHITSHITSHIT

Bucky, Clint, and natasha entered the chat

Bucky: Excuse me tf

spiderson deleted 12 messages from the chat

spiderson: ignore that plz someone just stole my phone

Clint: I didn’t have time to read it what happened

natasha: i got screenshots.

Clint: Of course you do

spiderson: im begging you dont send them mr stark CAN NOT know

natasha: well hes not here right now is he

natasha sent an image

spiderson: youre dead to me

Clint: OH THAT SON OF A BITCH

Clint: HE DID N O T

Clint: That settles it ill need his information please and thank you

Bucky: Youre being bullied arnt you kid.

spiderson: whatt??? nooo flash is my friend he was just joking

natasha: i suggest you dont lie little spider

spiderson: listen its noting i cant handle and im glad its me so please just drop it !!!

Bucky: The only thing dropping is this kids dead body

spiderson: i-

spiderson: i’ll admit that was a good joke but still doesn’t change the fact that you can’t kill a minor

Bucky: Who said it was a joke

Clint: What parents hate their child so much to name them flash??

spiderson: apparently the thomson family

spiderson: GOSH DIDDLY DARN

natasha: oh you have so much to learn

Clint: I found this ‘flash’ - his real name is Eugene remind me again how he doesn’t get bullied

spiderson: i just realized that you might know my identity now but just don’t tell anyone k?

Bucky: Wouldn’t even think about it

natasha: i promise spidey

Clint: Also side note totally not ok with the whole age thing happening

spiderson: oh i am not having this conversation again uncle rhodey wouldn’t stop talking about my age and curfew for a solid week

Bucky: But you're practically a baby

natasha: hes babi

Clint: Wait I has an idea

Clint changed his name to birduncle

birduncle: Caw Caw mf

Chapter Text

irondad: IF YOU DONT STOP RIGHT NOW I WILL GO OVER THERE AND SHOVE BROCCOLI UP YOUR FACE

spiderson: bet

birduncle: Huh

rhodeyy: What’s up with your name

spiderson: don’t worry ur still my fav uncle

rhodeyy: Thank god

rhodeyy: Anyway - Tones care to explain why your yelling

irondad: Ah glad you asked

spiderson: well i’m sorry that you don’t understand ART

irondad: FOR THE LAST TIME

irondad: AND I WILL NOT BE SAYING THIS AGAIN

birduncle: Oooooh someone’s in troubleee

spiderson: shut ur mouth

birduncle: Try me bitch

irondad: STOP PLAYING SPOOKY SCARY SKELETONS AT FULL BLAST EVERY TIME I WALK INTO A ROOM

spiderson: ITS SPOOKY SEASON MR STARK SO GET USED TO IT

irondad: IM OLD MY HEART CAN NOT TAKE IT

spiderson: so

spiderson: you admit ur old

rhodeyy: We’ve been knew

nojamsam: But fr spooky scary skeletons is a good song idk why ur complaining man

natasha: agreed

irondad: IT IS MOST DEFINITELY N O T

Steve has entered the chat

Steve: Its spooky season bitches.

birduncle: WHERE DID YOU COME FROM

spiderson: YOU HEARD IT HERE FIRST

spiderson: MR AMERICA CONFIRMED IT BE SPOOKY SEASONNNNN

nojamsam: IM SCREAMMINGGGGDGSGSGDG

nojamsam: AALDJDHKSHDKSDH

natasha: language cap

Steve: Wait sorry Bucky had my phone what did I say?

spiderson: what a legend

spiderson: can u tell mr bucky that he has all my uwus and i would die for him :———)

Steve: He said, “Tell the Spider Child to perish.”

Steve: Not quite sure why he said child though, as a child should not be in this line of work. Also I have no idea what that means.

birduncle: Oh Stevie

nojamsam: Did I miss something “birduncle”?????

natasha: nope

spiderson: NOPE YOU DID NOT AT ALL

irondad: Something definitely happened and I don’t know what it was

birduncle: We formed a cult. Spidey, myself, Tash, and Bucky

birduncle: Suprise !!!!

spiderson: ALL HAIL THE MOLDY BREADDDDDD

irondad: Its official

irondad: I’m putting you up for adoption

spiderson: you can’t do that

irondad: Oh yes I can

spiderson: the g8 queen mrs. pepper wouldn’t allow it

irondad: Oh shi u rite

birduncle: You can come live with me if you want

natasha: same

Bucky has entered the chat

Bucky: Same

Steve: ???????

Bucky: Steve you look like moldy bread

spiderson changed Steves name to americanbread

Chapter Text

americanbread: Why is this a thing

Bucky: Just accept it and we can all move on with our lives

americanbread: How do I change it

irondad: No one tell him

birduncle: Wouldn’t even think about it

Bucky: All hail the american bread

natasha: remind me why i hang out with all of you again

birduncle: Oh please you love us

natasha: tolerate is a better word. but steve and bucky sure do love each other.

spiderson has entered the chat

spiderson: WAIT WAIT WAIRJSKIDND

spiderson: STUCKYS CANNON

spiderson: MY OTP MY #1 SHIP IS R E A L

irondad: I have no idea what you just said kid. But wait you guys are dating???

irondad: For real?

americanbread: Yes.

spiderson: i can die happy now ;.)

birduncle: Nuh uh no ones dying here

spiderson: you’re not the boss of me

spiderson: i can do whatever i want

birduncle: Ive taken the responsible uncle so yes I can

Bucky: There’s two of them now kid

Bucky: Good luck

irondad: I still can’t believe y’all are dating

spiderson: neither can i you can ask ned

spiderson: i accidentally lit our mc house on fire when i got the notification

americanbread: Whats ‘mc’?

irondad: Dont get him started

spiderson: vel vel mc, also known as minecraft is the best game to ever be created

spiderson: i could go on and on but mr stark would eat my ice cream if i did and i can’t let that happen

irondad: Good call.

spiderson: you’re still not forgiven for the time you killed charles

birduncle: Wait Tony you killed someone?!?

spiderson: yes it was a sad day for all

spiderson: he didn’t even attend the funeral

natasha: rude

americanbread: I’m disappointed in you Tony.

irondad: Spidey. you captured charles from his home and tortured him. i had to put him out of his misery

Bucky: This just keeps getting better

spiderson: you had no right mr stark. NO RIGHT

irondad: HE WAS A VILLAGER KID IT WAS AN ACCIDENT MY FINGER SLIPPED

spiderson: NO EXCUSES

spiderson: wat about the funeral then huh

irondad: I am not attending a minecraft funeral. all you do is toss food into dirt

irondad: Do you know how dumb that is

natasha: my aunt senses are tingling

spiderson: mr stark you’re gonna make me CRI

spiderson changed natashas name to spideraunt

spideraunt: i love it.

spideraunt: i would attend the minecraft funeral spider-man

spiderson: everyone here is valid except for the charles murderer.

spiderson has left the chat

Bucky: Guys for once in my life i’m valid

Chapter Text

spiderson: THEY GAVE ME BACK I CANT BREATHEEEEE

irondad: YOU KNOW FOR A WHILE THERE YOU ACTUALLY WEREN'T

rhodeyy: I think I just lost 5 years off my life from that experience.

irondad: Sa m e

spiderson: Idk what y’all are going on about that was HI-LAR-IOUS

americanbread: Mind explaining what happened?

spiderson: mr snark i’m telling them

natasha: you better i need to know what happened to my nephew

birduncle: Same so “spill the tea”

spiderson: i’m just going to pretend like you didn’t just say that

spiderson: buut anyway

spiderson: basically i got kidnapped right? well then they did the usual stuff trying to torture me like drowning ect

spiderson: nothing new

Bucky: E x c u s e muah

Bucky: But what the fuck kid

irondad: Now you understand what I go through

birduncle: I’m having heart palpitations

spiderson: bUt then get this

spiderson: i’m all like can i at least have some food

natasha: i’m scared

spiderson: and they say ‘yeah whatever we need you alive’

spiderson: coolcool i love food then i ask if i could have a sandwich

americanbread: This is a very intense story.

irondad: WAIT FOR IT

spiderson: and they say sure and thennn i ask if they could cut the crust off

spiderson: cause it’s the least they could do for torturing me

spiderson: then they feel bad and let me go

irondad: I SPENT 8 HOURS LOOKING FOR HIM

irondad: ONLY TO FIND OUT THAT THEY LET HIM GO BC OF A SANDWICH CRUST

rhodeyy: I was trying to calm him down for a solid 8 hours

Bucky: I will kill them.

rhodeyy: Ur giving off major metal arm uncle vibes

spiderson: I HAVE AN IDEA

spiderson: mr bucky i will be putting magnets on ur arm

spiderson: this is non negotiable

americanbread: I don’t know kid he usually doesn’t like people touching his arm.

Bucky: Nono Steb I’m having him put magnets on my arm

americanbread: You sure Buck?

Bucky: Like he said it’s non negotiable

spiderson: YAYYYYYYYY

irondad: Wait hold on here

irondad: Something’s going on

irondad: Too many parental vibes for one grown man

spiderson: that’s me i am very grown

spiderson: the most grown up adult in the world i do taxes too that’s right

irondad: Natasha, Clint, and Bucky

natasha: yes?

irondad: How’d u find out

spiderson: classified

birduncle: Kid named Flash and late night talks

spiderson: i regret nothing

natasha: neither do i ребенок паук

spiderson: <3

nojamsam has entered the chat

nojamsam: Alright what did I miss

nojamsam: Recap anyone ??

spiderson: i got kidnapped and they let me go cause i asked for a crust free sandwich

nojamsam: YOU WHAT