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Nobody knows me well

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Yoongi was lying in his bed, crying and listening to some sad music. He always needed his most depressing playlist to cry and feel a tiny bit better afterwards. It was already 1 a.m. and he knew that he was going to be very tired at school the next day, but he didn’t care. His life was miserable, he was depressed, and he hated every inch of his body. For many years now he had always expected something bad after something good had happened. It had even gotten to a point where he didn’t want to feel happy anymore, just because he feared the deep, dark hole he was going to fall into after the happy feeling was gone. As he was lying in his bed, he covered his mouth with his hand and curled up into a ball so that nobody, especially not his mother, would hear his sobs or notice him being sad. After all this time of depression, he had gotten perfect at crying silently and waiting until his mother and brother had gone to sleep so that he could fall apart without them noticing. He hated it when people were worried about him, he felt like he didn’t deserve all their sorrows and thoughts.

Today at school, he had met his boyfriend Jimin, they had some courses together, and spent a rather good time with him. They had had their lunch together, Jimin had let Yoongi try the kimbap his mom had packed him for lunch, and afterwards, they had sat next to each other in the boring history course. The two had had a conversation about a new student that had moved into their town yesterday via tiny sheets of paper that they exchanged when the teacher didn’t look. Yoongi was very glad that he had his gorgeous boyfriend Jimin as the most other students at his school found him strange and didn’t talk to him. Of course, he always acted as if this didn’t bother him at all but right now as he was lying in his bed, he remembered their glances and heard them whisper behind his back. If he was honest to himself, he did care about what the students thought and said about him and what they did hurt a lot and made him feel even more worthless. Still, if he was with Jimin or his other friend Seokjin, he always smiled through all this and because he was an expert in fake smiles, they always believed him.

Later today, when he had arrived at home, his mother had cooked dinner, so he didn’t have to make food on his own. The food had been very delicious as it was his favourite, bibimbap, and consequently, he had eaten much more than he wanted to. In his opinion he was already too fat, that was why he always tried to lose weight by eating only half of his portion or skipping dinner. Unfortunately, his mom was easily worried about her son, therefore he only skipped meals when she was working and not at home, which was 5 days a week.

After the food he had felt disgusting and guilty that he had again eaten that much food and to stop all his bad thoughts, he had listened to some of his favourite songs while doing a quick 20-minute-workout. When he got out of the shower afterwards, he forced himself to not look at his body in the mirror as he would have hated what he had seen. Instead of doing his homework, he sat down to his piano and played his favourite song, River flows in you by Yiruma. While playing the piano all his bad thoughts went silent for a bit, and he could pour out his heart and let all his sadness and bad feelings flow into the songs to make them emotional and give them his very own, special touch. His mother always started to cry when she heard him playing the piano because of how he performed the pieces. That ability to make people feel something through music was something he was proud of although, in his opinion, he wasn’t especially good at playing the piano and for this reason, he practised at least twice a day. Besides, he made sure to get the strictest piano teacher in town, who was luckily teaching at his high school, therefore organising lessons with him wasn’t a big deal for Yoongi. Mr. Ji really was a strict teacher and he demanded that Yoongi worked even harder than he already had before. Lately, all the hard work and time that Yoongi had spent while trying to improve his playing seemed to pay off as it occurred more often that the teacher found no big mistakes and could only give him some ideas for improvement.

During the short silence before another song started, Yoongi heard himself sobbing into his pillow. His pillow, who was the only one that knew about him crying himself to sleep every night, the only one that knew about all the sudden outbursts of anger against the very first person to take his heart and shatter it into a million pieces. Sadly, this one special person wasn’t Yoongi’s first boyfriend or girlfriend, neither was it a good friend, who had quit their friendship, but it was Yoongi’s dad.

He remembered that his early childhood was perfectly normal, he was living with his mom and his dad in a flat located in a big housing estate where he had lots of friends with whom he played all day long. His mom and his dad were young, but they still loved each other and their son very much and so they decided to marry when Yoongi was about 3 years old. Unfortunately, he had no memories of the wedding, but he remembered some parts of the honeymoon, which the three spent together as a family in Italy. About a year after his parents’ wedding, they told Yoongi that he would get a little brother. He was very excited and happy how it would feel to be a big brother. When Yoongi was four and a half years old, his dad and his mom started to argue more often. From then on it occurred quite regularly that Yoongi lied in his bed and heard his parents fight in the living room. At first, he was too young to understand anything, but after some months he understood that after he heard his parents shout, his mother would come and sleep with him in his bed and very often, her cheeks were wet from tears as she came inside his room. As this early memory came into his mind, Yoongi sat up and started to rock his body back and forth just like his mom used to do to him when he was sad.

His mom had told him that it was only two weeks before the birth of his little brother that his father cheated on his mom. When she found out, she didn’t know what to do with all her feelings and she got very sad and troubled. Because of this, his little brother was born almost two months before he should have been. He was so little, and the doctors and his mom were very worried about him. Yoongi himself was too very scared to lose his little brother and therefore he was over the moon when his mom announced that she could go home from the hospital and take the little baby with her. Yoongi was really proud to be a big brother, he loved his brother very much and always held and treated him with outstanding care although he had never held a baby before. On the day that his mom came out of the hospital, she told his father that she would give him one more chance and that he could live with them for a week. She did all this only for the sake of her two children and Yoongi knew that it wasn’t easy for her. Sadly, his father continued to meet other women and consequently, his mother filed a divorce. As Yoongi’s thoughts wandered to these painful memories, he started to cry even harder. After all this time, it had been over 12 years now, the pain was still as bad as ever, maybe even worse because he was now fully conscious of what his dad had done to him and his family. To his friends, his family had always appeared very complicated and odd and now, after all the tough experiences Yoongi had made with his so-called “family”, he couldn’t do anything else than agree with everything his friends thought about them.

After the divorce, his world was turned upside down. His mom decided to move into another flat to get rid of all the memories and although he liked the new apartment, he always slept in his mothers’ bed. At night, Yoongi’s mother slept in the middle, her younger son at her right and her older son at her left side. Almost every night Yoongi woke up crying or screaming because he was having flashbacks from the times he had heard his parents fight. When his mom gave him a consoling hug, she often started to cry too and then they sat there in the dark, crying and rocking themselves forth and back to calm down, always trying to be quiet enough to not wake up the baby. As time went by, he got used to crying and on one point where he was about 12 years old, he did no longer call his mom to comfort him when he was crying. Instead, he just laid down and cried himself to sleep, a habit that continued until today, as he remembered with a painful smile on his lips and tears streaming down his face.

Because he was having such huge problems, his mother decided to take him into therapy. His therapist was a very friendly woman, who smiled a lot and always was full of energy when he met her. During the hours of therapy, Yoongi’s mom was in the same room with him but they both had a different therapist and while Yoongi should draw pictures and play games with his therapist, his mom spoke to her therapist. Although their ways of therapy were so different, the two got better after some time and so the therapy only continued until Yoongi was about eight years old. Of course, his little baby brother was always with them, but he slept most of the time his brother and mother spent at the therapist. He didn’t remember anything about the therapy, but he had asked his mother many times about it, therefore he knew that he had been diagnosed with trauma and posttraumatic stress disorder. Since his mother and therapist had decided to stop the therapy when he was eight, he had never been in therapy again, although there clearly had been some times when he would have needed professional help even though he didn’t admit that.

His online friend Jeongguk, whom he told everything that he felt and thought and had known for more than three years, had told Yoongi that he was pretty sure about him suffering from depression, an anxiety disorder and maybe even borderline personality disorder. Yoongi knew that he had severe problems with his mental health, but he would never admit it to anyone, especially not to his family or his boyfriend as they would worry too much if he would tell them. So instead of venting to his boyfriend, who thought he knew everything about him, he had created a secret Instagram account. On this account, nobody knew who he was, for this reason, he shared his saddest and deepest thoughts only on this account. It had been over three years ago when another secret account of a person with mental health problems had sent him a request to chat with him. After he had confirmed the request, the other person had started to ask how he was doing and if there was anything that he could do for him. At first, Yoongi had been scared but after the stranger had told him some facts about himself, he had started to trust him. In the following days, he had told the online stranger, whose name was Jeongguk, the whole story of his life and the background of all his problems. In return, Jeongguk had done the same and from then on, they supported each other more than their own families. If Yoongi thought about it, that was a pretty sad fact, but since nobody really understood his pain if he hadn’t felt the same, there was no other option.

Suddenly, Yoongi’s thoughts got a big piece darker, as the voice inside his head started to tell him that he was a worthless piece of sh*t that didn’t deserve to live. Normally, he was able to ignore the voice but today had made him feel pretty bad and that was why he reacted and felt worse soon. Unfortunately, he quickly started to think about ways to punish himself just for being himself. The plans got worse and worse, but suddenly the display of this mobile phone lighted up. The cause was a message from Jeongguk, which asked him if he was doing okay. Truthfully, he answered that he was thinking about hurting himself and Jeongguk immediately did his very best to cheer him up and make him feel better. At first, Yoongi’s mind resisted against him being happy again but after some stupid insider jokes that only Yoongi and Jeongguk could understand and a funny story that Jeongguk’s classmate had told today, the corners of Yoongi’s mouth rose a bit. When he told his friend that, he was very relieved that he had been able to stop Yoongi from hurting himself. Soon after that, Jeongguk excused himself saying that he had to go to sleep now. They said goodbye and Yoongi played a game on his phone because he didn’t want to go to sleep.
Yoongi knew that it was time to put his phone away and try to fall asleep when he reached one special song in his playlist. If he was doing really bad, he continued to play the playlist as there were the saddest and most emotional songs he knew about to play. As soon as he had started listening to this kind of songs, he was about to cry his eyes out until he couldn’t cry any longer and would just stare blankly into the air while his whole body ached. He had always felt mental pain also physically, most of the time his chest started to sting and his head started to feel as if someone was banging a sledge against it. However, today it wasn’t that bad and consequently, he really placed his phone on his bedside table, took a sip of water, lying down into his bed and, after about twenty minutes, he fell asleep.