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Grandmaster of Meme-onic Cultivation

Chapter Text

            [WEI WUXIAN entered OFFICIAL JIANG CLAN TRAVELLING CHAT]

WEI WUXIAN: does this work

            [JIANG CHENG entered OFFICIAL JIANG CLAN TRAVELLING CHAT]

JIANG CHENG: no

            [JIANG CHENG left OFFICIAL JIANG CLAN TRAVELLING CHAT]

WEI WUXIAN: it does! Hey can we talk about how peacock boy is a massive dick

            [JIANG YANLI entered OFFICIAL JIANG CLAN TRAVELLING CHAT]
            [JIANG YANLI changed name to SENIOR SISTER]

SENIOR SISTER: xianxian this is only for emergencies and regrouping if we split up. We can talk in person if you like =)

WEI WUXIAN: but this is so easy! And I can say whatever I like without risking being overheard and bringing eternal shame to the Jiang Clan

            [JIANG CHENG entered OFFICIAL JIANG CLAN TRAVELLING CHAT]

JIANG CHENG: you did that when you arrived age 3

WEI WUXIAN: wow when did peacock boy steal Jiang Cheng’s message crystal. So arrogant and rude

JIANG CHENG: wow when did wei wuxian volunteer to get his ass kicked

SENIOR SISTER: Little brothers, we should be thinking of how to find an inn room

WEI WUXIAN: targets located. I have an idea

JIANG CHENG: oh gods, he’s spotted the ladies. Senior sister, I apologize to all women on his behalf

SENIOR SISTER: thank you

 

            [WEI WUXIAN entered MIANMIAN PERSONAL CHAT]

WEI WUXIAN: hey

MIANMIAN: no

WEI WUXIAN: aw, all I wanted was to ask if we could borrow one little tiny room from your great and generous clan

MIANMIAN: no
(sent at 5.45pm)

(5.50pm)
MIANMIAN: ok I like you better in person

WEI WUXIAN: same goes for you! :D

WEI WUXIAN: hey can you add me to the Jin Clan chat? I’d like to say a friendly hello!

MIANMIAN: i know this is a bad decision, but it’s mine to make.

            [WEI WUXIAN has left MIANMIAN PERSONAL CHAT]

--

JIN ZIXUAN: So in conclusion, I am the most beautiful man alive.

            [WEI WUXIAN was added to JIN CLAN BEST CLAN]

WEI WUXIAN: hey @JIN ZIXUAN

JIN ZIXUAN: What?

WEI WUXIAN: bitch

            [WEI WUXIAN was permanently banned from JIN CLAN BEST CLAN]
            [WEI WUXIAN has left JIN CLAN BEST CLAN]
---

            [WEI WUXIAN entered OFFICIAL JIANG CLAN TRAVELLING CHAT]

WEI WUXIAN: oo the Jin Clan renamed their chat log

JIANG CHENG: don’t

           [WEI WUXIAN renamed the chat BAD BITCHES]
            [JIANG CHENG renamed the chat OFFICIAL JIANG CLAN TRAVELLING CHAT]
            [WEI WUXIAN renamed the chat EAT MY ASS JIANG CHENG]
            [JIANG CHENG renamed the chat OFFICIAL JIANG CLAN TRAVELLING CHAT]
            [WEI WUXIAN renamed the chat JIANG CHENG IS A BIG BABY]
            [SENIOR SISTER renamed the chat to STOP IF YOU WANT SOUP]

WEI WUXIAN: ok you win

Chapter Text

            [WEI WUXIAN entered STOP IF YOU WANT SOUP]

WEI WUXIAN: You will NEVER guess the evening I just had

JIANG CHENG: just let me sleep in peace for one night

SENIOR SISTER: how many mah-jong tiles did you swallow??

WEI WUXIAN: THAT WAS ONE TIME OK

WEI WUXIAN: anyway, guess who I just fought to get into Gusu…under the moonlit, starry sky…with the warm breeze in our hair…

JIANG CHENG: Old master Lan

            [SENIOR SISTER left STOP IF YOU WANT SOUP]

JIANG CHENG: oh no Senior sister is choking

            [JIANG CHENG left STOP IF YOU WANT SOUP]

            [SENIOR SISTER entered STOP IF YOU WANT SOUP]
            [JIANG CHENG entered STOP IF YOU WANT SOUP]

SENIOR SISTER: I’m ok!

WEI WUXIAN: thank goodness. If u died to Jiang Cheng’s joke we’d have to say he’s funny

JIANG CHENG: Tomorrow. I will kill you.

SENIOR SISTER: but anyway, who did you fight xianxian?

WEI WUXIAN: LAN WANGJI!!!

JIANG CHENG: WHAT

WEI WUXIAN: I snuck alcohol in and violated like ten Lan Clan rules, so he tried to kill me

JIANG CHENG: WHY

            [JIANG CHENG changed name to STRANGLED SCREAM]

SENIOR SISTER: oh, I heard that from here. Deep breaths, A-Cheng.

WEI WUXIAN: we drew the fight! I think I made a friend!

SENIOR SISTER: wonderful! Lan Wangji is very respectable

STRANGLED SCREAM: I HOPE HE GIVES YOU A MILLION LINES AND STEPS ON YOUR FACE

WEI WUXIAN: yes please

STRANGLED SCREAM: WHAT

WEI WUXIAN: wat

            [WEI WUXIAN has left STOP IF YOU WANT SOUP]

SENIOR SISTER: Goodnight!

            [STRANGLED SCREAM changed name to JIANG CHENG]

JIANG CHENG: Goodnight senior sister

            [JIANG CHENG has left STOP IF YOU WANT SOUP]
            [SENIOR SISTER has left STOP IF YOU WANT SOUP]

 

--

            [WEI WUXIAN entered LAN SECT GUSU GENERAL CHAT]

WEI WUXIAN: hello everyone! Hit me up for some Gusu Good Times

NIE HUISANG: ooh sounds fun! Count me iiiin.

WEN NING: and me!

JIANG CHENG: I don’t want a part of whatever this is but you will probably die without me

JIN ZIXUAN: Sounds vulgar. Save it for your own Clan.

WEI WUXIAN: hey peacock boy, do you know what’s for dinner?

JIN ZIXUAN: ?

JIN ZIXUAN: No?

WEI WUXIAN: my ass, bon appetite bitch

            [WEI WUXIAN has violated Lan Clan rule #867 trigger word a**, and Lan Clan rule #2209 trigger word b***. A disciple will be at your                     quarters shortly to discipline you. – Lan QirenBOT]

WEI WUXIAN: uh oh

JIN ZIXUAN: bon appetite

            [WEI WUXIAN entered LAN WANGJI PERSONAL CHAT]

WEI WUXIAN: Hey, apparently I need disciplining ;)

LAN WANGJI: not wrong.
LAN WANGJI: copy the Lan rules again by noon or double punishment.

WEI WUXIAN: WHAT?!

WEI WUXIAN: I only said a** and b***

WEI WUXIAN: wow do you have filters on

            [LAN WANGJI has left LAN WANGJI PERSONAL CHAT]

WEI WUXIAN: YOU CAN’T EVEN LEAVE YOUR OWN PERSONAL CHAT HOW DID YOU DO THAT

            [WEI WUXIAN has left LAN WANGJI PERSONAL CHAT]
            (10.00am)

            (1.00pm)
            [WEI WUXIAN entered LAN WANGJI PERSONAL CHAT]

WEI WUXIAN: I can’t believe you murdered my innocent porn

            [WEI WUXIAN has been temporarily banned from LAN WANGJI PERSONAL CHAT]

Chapter Text

            [NIE HUISANG entered LAN SECT GUSU GENERAL CHAT]

NIE HUISANG: hey @WEI WUXIAN I heard Lan Wangji destroyed ur porn. Come hit me up for more!

Wei WUXIAN: Bro Nie, not in the public chat!!

            [NIE HUISANG has violated Lan Clan rule #351, trigger word ‘p***’. A disciple will be at your
            quarters shortly to discipline you. – Lan QirenBOT]

NIE HUISANG: SHIT

            [NIE HUISANG has violated Lan Clan rule #2583, trigger word ‘s***’. A disciple will be at your
            quarters shortly to discipline you. – Lan QirenBOT]

NIE HUISANG: HELP

LAN WANGJI: @LAN XICHEN

LAN XICHEN: Nie Huisang, it has come to my attention that you have banned material in Cloud Recesses. I will be along shortly to see it is confiscated n.n

NIE HUISANG: WEI WUXIAN SAVE ME

WEI WUXIAN: So Lan Zhan, you come here often?

            [LAN WANGJI has left LAN SECT GUSU GENERAL CHAT]

WEI WUXIAN: :(

            [NIE HUISANG has left LAN SECT GUSU GENERAL CHAT]

WEI WUXIAN: Lan Xichen, what’s with the n.n

LAN XICHEN: it’s cute! Brb, dealing with Nie Huisang :)

            [LAN XICHEN has left LAN SECT GUSU GENERAL CHAT]

WEI WUXIAN: that smiley face was terrifying

            [WEI WUXIAN has left LAN SECT GUSU GENERAL CHAT]

 

CHATROOM: LAN SECT GUSU OFFICIAL CHATROOM #600 ///HACKED

            [NIE HUISANG renamed the chat PORN DEALER HQ]
            [NIE HUISANG changed name to DEALER NIE]

JIANG CHENG: I don’t want to affiliated with this

WEI WUXIAN: I do

            [WEI WUXIAN changed name to GAY WUXIAN]

JIANG CHENG: CAN YOU NOT

DEALER NIE: oh lord they comin

GAY WUXIAN: did u disguise the books like I showed u?

DEALER NIE: yes, but im sure Lan Xichen thinks it’s a little weird that I have 20 copies of 241 Ways to Cook Tofu in my room
DEALER NIE: Or…?
DEALER NIE: I told him I was talking about food porn and im an aspiring chef
DEALER NIE: he looks so proud, I feel bad
DEALER NIE: oh no, he took one

            [WEN QING entered PORN DEALER HQ]

WEN QING: why am I here? What is this chat?

JIANG CHENG: oh gods and immortals, Miss Wen! Leave immediately!

DEALER NIE: oh hai wen qing, finish that book I gave you? ;)

JIANG CHENG: What??????

WEN QING: yeah do you have anything with more pegging tips

            [JIANG CHENG has left PORN DEALER HQ]

GAY WUXIAN: lol Jiang Cheng fainted
GAY WUXIAN: tdjfykguiouiyt
GAY WUXIAN: he fell straight out one of the paper doors
GAY WUXIAN: it would have been ok if peacock boy hadn’t been walking past
GAY WUXIAN: he caught him like a maiden
GAY WUXIAN: oh god senior sister came out to see what happened
GAY WUXIAN: now peacock boy is staring awkwardly at senior sister with his arms full of Jiang Cheng who fell through a door im gonna die
GAY WUXIAN: oop peacock boy heard me laughing my head off and is about to throw hands brb gonna kill him

            [GAY WUXIAN has left PORN DEALER HQ]

WEN QING: ….
WEN QING: anyway

DEALER NIE: yeah, I hope it’s not the one Lan xichen picked up

WEN QING: lan xichen?????

DEALER NIE: yeah, he even paid me. What a nice guy

WEN QING: im just going to pretend I didn’t see that.

            [WEN NING has entered PORN DEALER HQ]

WEN QING: NO

            [WEN NING has left PORN DEALER HQ]
            [WEN NING has been removed from PORN DEALER HQ]

WEN QING: WHY DID YOU INVITE HIM??

DEALER NIE: dude looks like he needs to enjoy himself

WEN QING: nie huisang

DEALER NIE: yes

WEN QING: you have 2 seconds to start running

DEALER NIE: good thing I have a lot of practise

            [WEN QING has left PORN DEALER HQ]
            [DEALER NIE has left PORN DEALER HQ]

            [GAY WUXIAN entered PORN DEALER HQ]

GAY WUXIAN: I threw him into one of those little decorative fountains the Lans have
GAY WUXIAN: guys?

Chapter Text

            [MENG YAO entered LAN SECT GUSU GENERAL CHAT]

MENG YAO: Hello @^.^@

WEI WUXIAN: how do you have dimples in chat

LAN XICHEN: his dimples transcend the physical form

            [MENG YAO changed name to DIMPLE BAE]

LAN XICHEN: Cute!

WEI WUXIAN: POWER MOVE

            [WEI WUXIAN changed name to NOTICE ME LAN ZHAN#302]

NOTICE ME LAN ZHAN#302: wow how many Lan disciples have this username

LAN WANGJI:…. 301….

NOTICE ME LAN ZHAN#302: HE NOTICED ME

            [LAN WANGJI has left LAN SECT GUSU GENERAL CHAT]
            [NOTICE ME LAN ZHAN#302 changed name to WEI WUXIAN]

LAN XICHEN: I think he likes you.

WEI WUXIAN: I am a-flutter

LAN XICHEN: oop, Clan Leader duties call

            [LAN XICHEN has left LAN SECT GUSU GENERAL CHAT]

WEI WUXIAN: it’s weird having a general chat with Zewu-Jun hanging around
WEI WUXIAN: but while he’s gone
WEI WUXIAN: what’s the goss, Dimple Bae

DIMPLE BAE: ?

WEI WUXIAN: come on Lan Xichen full-on stroked your hands when he took that teapot off you in the presentation ceremony. Im pretty sure that’s sex as far as the Lan Clan is concerned.

            [WEI WUXIAN has violated Lan Clan rule #69, trigger word ‘s**’. A disciple will be at your
            quarters shortly to discipline you. – Lan QirenBOT]

WEI WUXIAN: WHAT
WEI WUXIAN: but also: point proven

DIMPLE BAE: I…don’t know what you mean, hahaha

            [LAN XICHEN entered LAN SECT GUSU GENERAL CHAT]

LAN XICHEN: So Meng Yao, my room before you leave? <3

DIMPLE BAE: Zewu-Jun, wrong chat!

LAN XICHEN: whoops

            [DIMPLE BAE has left LAN SECT GUSU GENERAL CHAT]
            [LAN XICHEN has left LAN SECT GUSU GENERAL CHAT]

WEI WUXIAN: woooooooow
WEI WUXIAN: ‘Clan Leader duties’

            [LAN WANGJI entered LAN SECT GUSU GENERAL CHAT]

WEI WUXIAN: Ooh!

LAN WANGJI: Rules broken again. Kneel, courtyard, 20 minutes.

WEI WUXIAN: I would kneel every day for you

LAN WANGJI: Shameless

JIANG CHENG: Can literally everyone stop flirting on the general chat

            [LAN WANGJI has left LAN SECT GUSU GENERAL CHAT]
            [WEI WUXIAN has left LAN SECT GUSU GENERAL CHAT]

WEN NING: Flirting? :O

JIANG CHENG: hush you sweet and innocent child. Go back to sleep

WEN NING: ok

            [WEN NING has left LAN SECT GUSU GENERAL CHAT]

LAN QIREN: Xichen? What is the meaning of this??
LAN QIREN: @LAN XICHEN

LAN XICHEN: [automatic message from the Clan Leader: I am busy currently, but please contact @LAN WANGJI or @LAN QIREN for similar assistance n.n Have a good day!]

            [LAN QIREN has left LAN SECT GUSU GENERAL CHAT]

NIE HUISANG: uh oh spaghettio

Chapter Text

CHATROOM PORN DEALER HQ:

GAY WUXIAN: Shots!

DEALER NIE: Shots!

JIANG CHENG: Shots!

GAY WUXIAN: Shots!

DEALER NIE: Shots!

JIANG CHENG: Shots!

GAY WUXIAN: EVERYBODY

JIANG CHENG: hey what’s that knocking sounds

GAY WUXIAN: LAN ZHAN!!!

JIANG CHENG: oh no

DEALER NIE: oh no

GAY WUXIAN: LAN ZHAN!!!

JIANG CHENG: you know hr cant hear u in chart
JIANG CHENG: when did usou dystatt calling him bt his saucy name

DEALER NIE: aucy name?

JIANG CHENG: yo know not cort…courye…courtingsy…

GAY WUXIAN: you’ll get there I believe in you
GAY WUXIAN: LAN ZHAN!!!
GAY WUXIAN: I think he had an awakening when he saw three men piled on the bed

JIANG CHENG: too many…shots

DEALER NIE: she’s gonna blow

            [JIANG CHENG has left PORN DEALER HQ]
            [DEALER NIE has left PORN DEALER HQ]

GAY WUXIAN: LAN ZHAN!!!
--

CHATROOM: STOP IF YOU WANT SOUP

WEI WUXIAN: SENIOR SISTER I THINK I DID SOMETHING
WEI WUXIAN: LAN ZHAN IS PASSED OUT ON MY FLOOR
WEI WUXIAN: I mean it’s a pretty good view to wake up to
WEI WUXIAN: but the entire Lan Clan is going to murder me
WEI WUXIAN: I REMEMBER
WEI WUXIAN: I think I almost accidentally married him by touching his headband
WEI WUXIAN: I will try harder next time

SENIOR SISTER: I believe in you!

JIANG CHENG: DO NOT ENCOURAGE THIS

--

CHATROOM: LAN SECT GUSU GENERAL CHAT

LAN XICHEN: Will @WEI WUXIAN, @LAN WANGJI, @JIANG CHENG, and @NIE HUAISANG please report to the Punishment Area as soon as
possible :) :) :)
LAN XICHEN: Do not try to run :)

LAN WANGJI: What happened
LAN WANGJI: oh
LAN WANGJI: I will find a legal loophole to kill you Wei Wuxian.

WEI WUXIAN: be gentle ;)

LAN WANGJI: no

WEN QING: rip

JIN ZIXUAN: know that you deserve this @WEI WUXIAN

WEI WUXIAN: you can’t tell me what I deserve, peacock boy

LAN XICHEN: You know what you deserve :)

WEN QING: Lan xichen can you tone it down, you’re scaring Wen ning

WEN NING: :’(

LAN XICHEN: oh, sorry Wen Ning! Go out and enjoy the sunshine! It’s a beautiful day!
LAN XICHEN: for those who do not sin :)

            [WEI WUXIAN has left LAN SECT GUSU GENERAL CHAT]
            [NIE HUAISANG has left LAN SECT GUSU GENERAL CHAT]
            [JIANG CHENG has left LAN SECT GUSU GENERAL CHAT]
            [LAN WANGJI has left LAN SECT GUSU GENERAL CHAT]

--

            [MENG YAO entered LAN XICHEN PERSONAL CHAT]

MENG YAO: oh gods Lan Xichen punish them real hard
MENG YAO: *fans self*
MENG YAO: send pics

LAN XICHEN: oh I don’t do it myself haha n.n
LAN XICHEN: why would you want pics of that anyway? n.n

MENG YAO: NO REASON

            [MENG YAO changed name to DIMPLE BAE]
            [LAN XICHEN changed chat name to LONG DISTANCE DIMPLES]

LAN XICHEN: ok! Have a wonderful day!

DIMPLE BAE: you too <3

Chapter Text

CHATROOM: LONG DISTANCE DIMPLES

LAN XICHEN: A-Yao, I am worried about Wangji

DIMPLE BAE: oh no! what happened, Zewu-Jun?

LAN XICHEN: so you know how Wangji has an obvious crush on Wei Wuxian

DIMPLE BAE: I was there for one day, and I can say a strong yes

LAN XICHEN: well, I persuaded Wei Wuxian to go to the cold springs to at the same time I knew Wangji was bathing there.

DIMPLE BAE: ooh, excellent plan! Saucy. @^.^@b

LAN XICHEN: It’s been a day and a night. They haven’t come back

DIMPLE BAE: WOW

LAN XICHEN: what did I unleash
LAN XICHEN: will Wangji be the same person when I get him back
LAN XICHEN: I didn’t know he had it in him

DIMPLE BAE: well, as long as he’s happy…?

LAN XICHEN: I suppose you’re right
LAN XICHEN: it is quite an achievement

DIMPLE BAE: I wonder if it runs in the family
DIMPLE BAE: Next time we meet up, we will test it

LAN XICHEN: We don’t have to!

DIMPLE BAE: We will.
DIMPLE BAE: Bring that book you got from Young Master Nie <3

LAN XICHEN: time to take a cold bath

DIMPLE BAE: Bye~!

 

CHATROOM: PORN DEALER HQ

JIANG CHENG: YOU WILL NOT BELIEVE WHAT I JUST SAW

WEN QING: I believe

JIANG CHENG: You saw it too so you had better.

DEALER NIE: What???

JIANG CHENG: Wei Wuxian and Lan Wangji appeared together with Lan Wangji’s headband wrapped around their hands.

DEALER NIE: !

JIANG CHENG: Did my brother run away and get married?!? To Hanguang-Jun?

            [JIANG CHENG added SENIOR SISTER to PORN DEALER HQ]

JIANG CHENG: shit

            [JIANG CHENG changed chat name to BIRDWATCHERS OF GUSU]

SENIOR SISTER: you know, I can see what the chat name was changed from…

JIANG CHENG:….
JIANG CHENG: Dishonour on me

SENIOR SISTER: But he actually did it! xianxian got married to Lan Wangji! We will have to have a ceremony!

JIANG CHENG: I can’t believe Hanguang-Jun would say yes

GAY WUXIAN: Excuse me

DEALER NIE: Congrats!!

SENIOR SISTER: Happy day! Mother will be overjoyed!

GAY WUXIAN: We did not get married! It was…emergency headband deployment

JIANG CHENG: I thought Lan Wangji was an upright disciple of the Lan Clan, and upholds every rule to a tee! But apparently he’s slacking.

            [GAY WUXIAN added LAN WANGJI to BIRDWATCHERS OF GUSU]

JIANG CHENG: WAIT NO
JIANG CHENG: HOW TO DELETE MESSAGE

LAN WANGJI: Later.

GAY WUXIAN: ?

JIANG CHENG: What does this mean

            [LAN WANGJI has left BIRDWATCHERS OF GUSU]

JIANG CHENG: WHAT DOES THIS MEAN
JIANG CHENG: IS HE COMING FOR ME?

GAY WUXIAN: Idk man, he’s hard to read. Maybe

JIANG CHENG: I will get you back for that

GAY WUXIAN: not if hanguang-Jun gets you first

DEALER NIE: #fear

            [JIANG CHENG has left BIRDWATCHERS OF GUSU]

Chapter Text

CHATROOM: BIRDWATCHERS OF GUSU

JIANG CHENG: Wei wuxian why the hell are you making a lantern with lan wangji

WEI WUXIAN: it’s not as weird as senior sister making a lantern with peacock boy

JIANG CHENG: they literally have an arranged marriage

WEI WUXIAN: bitch! I am arranging this marriage!

JIANG CHENG: you know lan wangji and senior sister are both added to this chat right

WEI WUXIAN:…

            [LAN WANGJI was removed from BIRDWATCHERS OF GUSU]
            [SENIOR SISTER was removed from BIRDWATCHERS OF GUSU]

JIANG CHENG: coward

-

            [LAN WANGJI entered WEI WUXIAN PERSONAL CHAT]

LAN WANGJI: ?

WEI WUXIAN: jiang cheng said some horrible vulgar stuff about the se*x and I thought u would be better off not seeing it
WEI WUXIAN: OMG YOU MESSAGED ME FIRST

            [LAN WANGJI has left WEI WUXIAN PERSONAL CHAT]

CHATROOM: BIRDWATCHERS OF GUSU

JIANG CHENG: senior sister looks sad

JIANG CHENG: probably your fault

JIANG CHENG: you excluded her

            [WEI WUXIAN has left BIRDWATCHERS OF GUSU]

            [WEI WUXIAN entered STOP IF YOU WANT SOUP]

WEI WUXIAN: im sorry senior sister! I didn’t mean to upset you!

SENIOR SISTER: what? You haven’t! I just… thought Jin ZiXuan might cast our lantern with me…

WEI WUXIAN:…

            [WEI WUXIAN has left STOP IF YOU WANT SOUP]

            [WEI WUXIAN entered LAN SECT GUSU GENERAL CHAT]

WEI WUXIAN: SQUARE UP JIN ZIXUAN YOU PRISSY MOTHERFUCKER

            [WEI WUXIAN has left LAN SECT GUSU GENERAL CHAT]

            [WEI WUXIAN has violated Lan Clan rule #2463, trigger word ‘m***********’. A disciple will be at your
            quarters shortly to discipline you. – Lan QirenBOT]

---

            [JIANG CHENG entered STOP IF YOU WANT SOUP]
            [JIANG CHENG changed chat name to THE BOYS GET KICKED OUT OF GUSU]
            [JIANG FENGMIAN entered THE BOYS GET KICKED OUT OF GUSU]

JIANG FENGMIAN: You punched! Jin ZiXuan!!

WEI WUXIAN: not the first time, and not the last time if I have anything to do with it

JIANG FENGMIAN: ??!!?

JIANG CHENG: in his defence it was a good punch

JIANG FENGMIAN: That’s not a defence??

JIANG FENGMIAN: you’re lucky Master Lan doesn’t tan your hide!

WEI WUXIAN: bought that t-shirt

JIANG CHENG: WEI WUXIAN I SWEAR

JIANG FENGMIAN: ?? I don’t even want to know. Come on. We’re going back to Lotus Cove.

WEI WUXIAN: ok, just a minute, gotta get some stuff

            [WEI WUXIAN has left THE BOYS GET KICKED OUT OF GUSU]
(10.25am)

(11.12am)
JIANG FENGMIAN: It’s been an hour, what could possibly be taking this long?

            [SENIOR SISTER entered THE BOYS GET KICKED OUT OF GUSU]

SENIOR SISTER: have you guys seen xianxian?

JIANG CHENG: no

SENIOR SISTER: have you guys seen Lan Wangji?

JIANG CHENG:…

JIANG CHENG: NOT AGAIN

            [JIANG CHENG has left THE BOYS GET KICKED OUT OF GUSU]

---

            [JIN ZIXUAN entered JIANG YANLI PERSONAL CHAT]
            [JIN ZIXUAN left JIANG YANLI PERSONAL CHAT]

            [JIANG YANLI entered JIN ZIXUAN PERSONAL CHAT]

JIANG YANLI: Was there something you wanted? =)

JIN ZIXUAN: Sorry, that was an accident.

JIANG YANLI: Oh, ok
JIANG YANLI:….

JIN ZIXUAN:…

            [JIANG YANLI left JIN ZIXUAN PERSONAL CHAT]

CHATROOM: GET SOME BALLS JIN ZIXUAN

MADAM JIN: ???????? did you say something??? Anything???

JIN ZIXUAN: …….
JIN ZIXUAN:…….no

MADAM JIN: pussy

            [MADAM JIN has left GET SOME BALLS JIN ZIXUAN]

Chapter Text

            [MENG YAO created CHATROOM: DANGEROUS TWINKS]
            [MENG YAO added XUE YANG]

MENG YAO: Alright, you know the plan? @^.^@

XUE YANG: lol are you sure you’re a ‘dangerous twink’

MENG YAO: I cannot wait for the day I watch the light go out in the eyes of my enemies so that I may finally bathe in their blood @^.^@

XUE YANG: ooh, wanna bath buddy ;))))

MENG YAO: If you behave n.n

XUE YANG: ;)))))) let’s get this bread

            [XUE YANG has left DANGEROUS TWINKS]

---

            [SONG LAN entered HOT RANGERS R US]

SONG LAN: what’s up sexy ;)))))

XIAO XINGCHEN: hello! What is with the strange face?

            [SONG LAN changed name to XUE YANG]

XIAO XINGCHEN: !
XIAO XINGCHEN: get out of our chat!

XUE YANG: you’re gonna have to slap me ;DDD

            [XUE YANG changed name to SLAP ME XINGCHEN]

XIAO XINGCHEN: Where did you get Song Lan’s message crystal?

SLAP ME XINGCHEN: song lan threw it at my head

XIAO XINGCHEN: good.

SLAP ME XINGCHEN: so mean! :(((

XIAO XINGCHEN: you have a killcount of 50+ people.

SLAP ME XINGCHEN: but I have a CUTEcount of over 100 ;)))

XIAO XINGCHEN: …true.

SLAP ME XINGCHEN: :OOO

XIAO XINGCHEN: but that’s not the point.

SLAP ME XINGCHEN: then what is the point ;;)))))

XIAO XINGCHEN: my sword coming for your head.

            [SLAP ME XINGCHEN has left HOT RANGERS R US]

---

SONG LAN: finally got another message stone.
SONG LAN:….wtf has been going on in this chat??

            [SLAP ME XINGCHEN entered HOT RANGERS R US]

SLAP ME XINGCHEN: Xingchen has two hands ;)))))

SONG LAN: Xue yang stop flirting with my boyfriend

SLAP ME XINGCHEN: stop me pussy

SONG LAN: I will put u in a headlock

SLAP ME XINGCHEN: gods yes

SONG LAN: Excuse me??

SLAP ME XINGCHEN: *moans*

SONG LAN: Stop! That!

SLAP ME XINGCHEN: *moans louder*

            [SONG LAN has left HOT RANGERS R US]

SLAP ME XINGCHEN: *MOAN*

XIAO XINGCHEN: ….i think I checked my chat at the worst possible time.

SLAP ME XINGCHEN: *NUT*

            [XIAO XINGCHEN has left HOT RANGERS R US]
            [SLAP ME XINGCHEN changed chat name to MOAN]
----

            [WEI WUXIAN entered OFFICIAL CHANG FAMILY CHATROOM]

WEI WUXIAN: Hello?
WEI WUXIAN: Anyone?

????: OAAAAGHH

WEI WUXIAN: ahhh! Chat ghost!

XUE YANG: and ME babey!! 8))))))

            [WEI WUXIAN has left OFFICIAL CHANG FAMILY CHATROOM]
            [XUE YANG has left OFFICIAL CHANG FAMILY CHATROOM]

--

            [XUE YANG created CHATROOM: MAJOR HIMBOS]
            [XUE YANG added WEI WUXIAN]

XUE YANG: When Wei wuxian touches my body: *moan*

WEI WUXIAN: when xue yang moans: moan

XUE YANG: *moaaan*

WEI WUXIAN: moaaaaaaaaan

XUE YANG: *MOAAAAAN*

WEI WUXIAN: I hate to interrupt this
WEI WUXIAN: but how are you doing this with your message stone in your pocket and your hands tied

 

CHATROOM: REFINED CULTIVATION GENTLEMEN

NIE HUAISANG: WHY DID XUE YANG START MOANING

SONG LAN: Is he looking at Xiao Xingchen?

NIE HUAISANG: No??

XIAO XINGCHEN: It’s only you who sometimes does that Song Lan.

SONG LAN: No! I don’t! Haha

WEI WUXIAN: don’t worry about it

LAN WANGJI: Why is Xue Yang m*aning, Wei Ying?

WEI WUXIAN: did you just censor ‘moaning’

NIE HUAISANG: Lan Wangji glared at Xue Yang and he just moaned louder

WEI WUXIAN: fair

NIE HUAISANG: yeah. I almost do that on the daily

WEI WUXIAN: just let him get it out of his system

SONG LAN: why does he have to get it out of his system around us

WEI WUXIAN: I don’t have the answers for everything

 

CHATROOM: MAJOR HIMBOS

WEI WUXIAN: MOOOAAAN

XUE YANG: MOOOOOAAAAN

XUE YANG: …

XUE YANG: ….


CHATROOM: REFINED CULTIVATION GENTLEMEN

SONG LAN: thank the gods for Hanguang Jun and his silencing charm

LAN WANGJI: Mn.

Chapter Text

            [WEI WUXIAN entered OFFICIAL NIE CLAN GENERAL CHATROOM]

WEI WUXIAN: @NIE MINGJUE you seem to know Lan zhan pretty well…

WEI WUXIAN: calling him wangji like his family does…

NIE MINGJUE: I know his brother

NIE HUAISANG: ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°) ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°) ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

WEI WUXIAN: OH

NIE MINGJUE: HUIASANG!!

NIE HUAISANG: ᕕ( ◎_◎)ᕗ

            [NIE HUAISANG has left OFFICIAL NIE CLAN GENERAL CHATROOM]

XUE YANG: WHAT’S UP SLUTS GUESS WHO JUST GOT PUT IN PRISON

SONG LAN: you didn’t take his message crystal??

XUE YANG: oooh, Song Lan, you’ll never guess which crevices I hid it in ;))))
XUE YANG: my hot lil pooper ;)))

            [XUE YANG has been permanently banned from OFFICIAL NIE CLAN GENERAL CHATROOM]

SONG LAN: im gonna go cut my eyes out

XIAO XINGCHEN: babe NO!

MENG YAO: Apologies. I will go see to this issue myself.

NIE MINGJUE: thank you Meng Yao.

            [MENG YAO has left OFFICIAL NIE CLAN GENERAL CHATROOM]

NIE MINGJUE: WAIT
NIE MINGJUE: DOES THAT MEAN WHAT I THINK IT MEANS

            [NIE HUIASANG entered OFFICIAL NIE CLAN GENERAL CHATROOM]

NIE HUAISANG: ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°) ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°) ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

NIE MINGJUE: one day. I will find your hiding spot.

 

CHATROOM: GUARD HQ

            [CAPTAIN NIE added MENG YAO]
            [CAPTAIN NIE changed chat name to LICK MY BOOTS MENG YAO]

CAPTAIN NIE: hey everyone, the little creep’s here!

MADBOY: simpering weakling!

SWORDMASTER: whore mom whore mom whore mom lololol

BIGSWORDBIGDICK: LOL clean my room bitch

CAPTAIN NIE: oo you gonna cry like a little baby
CAPTAIN NIE: better shut up or someone might kick u down the stairs again

MENG YAO: :)

            [MENG YAO has left LICK MY BOOTS MENG YAO]

            [MENG YAO has entered DANGEROUS TWINKS]

XUE YANG: hey do u think it’s possible to fuck yourself to death

MENG YAO: questions for another time
MENG YAO: what’s the ETA on the Wen’s?

XUE YANG: let me check the genocide chat

            [XUE YANG has left DANGEROUS TWINKS]
--
            [XUE YANG has entered DANGEROUS TWINKS]

XUE YANG: tomorrow, noon

MENG YAO: alright, good. I’ll release you when they attack, and then it’s back on schedule.

XUE YANG: now back to the important questions

            [MENG YAO has left DANGEROUS TWINKS]

XUE YANG: aw what

 

CHATROOM: MAJOR HIMBOS

XUE YANG: wei bae I have a question

WEI WUXIAN: wat

XUE YANG: do u think it’s possible to fuck urself to death

WEI WUXIAN: when I’m dating Lan Zhan
WEI WUXIAN: I will find out

XUE YANG: now that’s more like it

---

            [WEN CHAO entered OFFICIAL NIE CLAN GENERAL CHATROOM]

WEN CHAO: Kneel to me Nie Clan! Your insolence is at an end! Surrender your heir!

NIE HUAISANG: i surrender

BAXIA: mmmm thorsty

WEN CHAO: what the fuck

NIE MINGJUE: translation: I will squeeze your blood out of you like plum juice and make a balloon dog out of your intestines

MENG YAO: ooo~ *borrows Nie Huaisang’s fan*

WEN CHAO: wtf is wrong with you people

WEI WUXIAN: oh gods! Nie Mingjue! D:

WEN CHAO: yeah, he’s insane, right?

WEI WUXIAN: no, could you make a different animal not a dog please
WEI WUXIAN: maybe a rabbit

NIE MINGJUE: ok

WEN CHAO: we are focussing on the wrong thing here

BAXIA: THRORST

NIE MINGJUE: THRORST

WE CHAO: AHH

            [WEN CHAO has left OFFICIAL NIE CLAN GENERAL CHATROOM]

Chapter Text

            [MENG YAO has entered LICK MY BOOTS MENG YAO]

MENG YAO: Captain Nie, please come to the dungeons to guard the prisoner :)

CAPTAIN NIE: @MADBOY @SWORDMASTER @BIGSWORDBIGDICK go check out what the snivelling weasel wants I’m going to where the real fighting is

MENG YAO: ok :)

            [MENG YAO has left LICK MY BOOTS MENG YAO]

MADBOY: ugh fine. Come on everyone

BIGSWORDBIGDICK: hey where’s the prisoner

            [XUE YANG entered LICK MY BOOTS MENG YAO]

XUE YANG: behind you 8))) 🔪

            [MADBOY has left LICK MY BOOTS MENG YAO]
            [SWORDMASTER has left LICK MY BOOTS MENG YAO]
            [BIGSWORDBIGDICK has left LICK MY BOOTS MENG YAO]

---

CHATROOM: DANGEROUS TWINKS

XUE YANG: Didja stab the big boy

MENG YAO: yes, he is very dead

XUE YANG: HOT

MENG YAO: unfortunately Nie Mingjue saw me

XUE YANG: NOT HOT

MENG YAO: I tried to blame you

XUE YANG: I would expect nothing less from a DANGEROUS TWINK

MENG YAO: but, like he was staring right at me when I disembowelled the man so it was pretty obvious it was me

XUE YANG: rip

MENG YAO: but then Wen Zhuliu fortunately came along and tried to stab Nie Mingjue

XUE YANG: HOT

MENG YAO: so I took it instead so that Nie Minjgue couldn’t kill me for treason

XUE YANG: Dangerous Twink Shafted by Hot Wen Warlord

MENG YAO: and now I am banished .·´¯`(ू>︿< ू)´¯`·.

XUE YANG: ahhh noo too cute dont cry uhhhh

            [XUE YANG left DANGEROUS TWINKS]

            [SLAP ME XINGCHEN entered MOAN]

SLAP ME XINGCHEN: where you at you hot sluts

SONG LAN: like we’d tell you

SLAP ME XINGCHEN: i will deliver unto you a cute twink

XIAO XINGCHEN: Ooh!

SONG LAN: No Xingchen, don’t fall for that again!

XIAO XINGCHEN: Oh…

SLAP ME XINGCHEN: ALIVE

XIAO XINGCHEN: Ooh?

SONG LAN: Why?

SLAP ME XINGCHEN: uh
SLAP ME XINGCHEN: UH

            [SLAP ME XINGCHEN has left MOAN]

XIAO XINGCHEN: Look at baby. Learning to have emotions!

SONG LAN: was that what that was???

CHATROOM: DANGEROUS TWINKS

            [XUE YANG entered DANGEROUS TWINKS]

XUE YANG: I have failed. Discipline me ;)))

MENG YAO: it’s ok! I have contacts!

XUE YANG: wow u are so dangerous

            [MENG YAO has left DANGEROUS TWINKS]

Chapter Text

            [WEN XU entered LAN SECT GUSU GENERAL CHAT]

WEN XU: hello naughty Lans

            [Lan QirenBOT has been disabled]
            [LAN QIREN has left LAN SECT GUSU GENERAL CHAT]

LAN XICHEN: Uncle!!

            [LAN XICHEN has left LAN SECT GUSU GENERAL CHAT]

LAN WANGJI: oh no

NOTICE ME LAN ZHAN56: FUCK ME LIKE A WILD STALLION LAN ZHAN

            [LAN WANGJI has left LAN SECT GUSU GENERAL CHAT]

NOTICE ME LAN ZHAN129: butt

NOTICE ME LAN ZHAN82: lan zhan will you please eat this pussy, it is popping

NOTICE ME LAN ZHAN69: step on me lan zhan!! Beat me into the dirt!! I am your worm!!

WEN XU: what the fuck

NOTICE ME LAN ZHAN300: PENIS

            [LAN XICHEN entered LAN SECT GUSU GENERAL CHAT]

LAN XICHEN: the place is literally on fire, please stop chatting and get to safety everyone

NOTICE ME LAN ZHAN1: The only safe place for me is on lan zhan’s big dick

LAN XICHEN: as your Clan Leader I am commanding you to drop everything and get to safety!

WEN XU: and where would that safety be, Zewu-Jun? :)

NOTICE ME LAN ZHAN300: DEEZ NUTS

NOTICE ME LAN ZHAN82: lan zhan’s strong but tender embrace

            [LAN XICHEN has left LAN SECT GUSU GENERAL CHAT]

NOTICE ME LAN ZHAN230: Wen Xu I want you to know that we will die for Lan Zhan’s hard throbbing erection

WEN XU: i am going to kill all of you

            [WEN XU has left LAN SECT GUSU GENERAL CHAT]
            (11:59am)

            (12:30pm)
            [LAN WANGJI entered LAN SECT GUSU GENERAL CHAT]

LAN WANGJI: ow my leg

NOTICE ME LAN ZHAN82: I will kiss it better

NOTICE ME LAN ZHAN300: WHAT DID THEY DO TO OUR LAN ZHAN’S PERFECT BODY

NOTICE ME LAN ZHAN287: kill

NOTICE ME LAN ZHAN168: kill

NOTICE ME LAN ZHAN300: KILL

NOTICE ME LAN ZHAN10: KILL

NOTICE ME LAN ZHAN48: KILLLL

            [WEN XU entered LAN SECT GUSU GENERAL CHAT]

WEN XU: uh oh

WEN XU: I think we have what we came for

NOTICE ME LAN ZHAN172: KILL KILL KILL KILL KILL KILL KILL KILL KILL KILL KILL KILL KILL KILL KILL KILL KILL KILL KILL KILL KILL KILL KILL KILL KILL KILL KILL KILL KILL KILL KILL KILL KILL KILL KILL KILL KILL KILL KILL KILL KILL KILL KILL KILL KILL KILL KILL KILL KILL KILL KILL KILL KILL KILL KILL KILL KILL KILL KILL KILL KILL KILL KILL KILL KILL KILL KILL KILL KILL KILL KILL KILL KILL KILL KILL KILL KILL KILL KILL KILL KILL KILL

WEN XU: peace out

            [WEN XU has left LAN SECT GUSU GENERAL CHAT]

Chapter Text

            [JIANG CHENG entered WEN OFFICIAL GENOCIDE BRAINSTORM]
            [NIE HUAISANG entered WEN OFFICIAL GENOCIDE BRAINSTORM]
            [JIN ZIXUAN entered WEN OFFICIAL GENOCIDE BRAINSTORM]
            [LAN WANGJI entered WEN OFFICIAL GENOCIDE BRAINSTORM]
            [WEI WUXIAN entered WEN OFFICIAL GENOCIDE BRAINSTORM]

NIE HUAISING: um guys
NIE HUAISANG: the name of this chat worries me

JIANG CHENG: oh gods

WEN CHAO: Get the fuck out of our chat!!

WEI WUXIAN:

            [WEN CHAO has violated Lan Clan rule #399 trigger word f***. A disciple will be at your
            quarters shortly to discipline you. – Lan QirenBOT]

NIE HUAISANG: Lan QirenBOT lives! Whoo!

WEN CHAO: What the hell?? What is this thing in our chat?

WEI WUXIAN:

            [WEN CHAO has violated Lan Clan rule #800 trigger word h***. A disciple will be at your
            quarters shortly to discipline you. – Lan QirenBOT]

WEN CHAO: WEI WUXIAN

WEI WUXIAN:

            [WEN CHAO has violated Lan Clan rule #2091 by being so ugly and also existing. A disciple will be at your
            quarters shortly to viciously taunt you. – Lan QirenBOT]

            [WEI WUXIAN has been permanently banned from WEN OFFICIAL GENOCIDE BRAINSTORM]
            [JIANG CHENG has been removed from WEN OFFICIAL GENOCIDE BRAINSTORM]
            [NIE HUAISANG has been removed from WEN OFFICIAL GENOCIDE BRAINSTORM]
            [JIN ZIXUAN has been removed from WEN OFFICIAL GENOCIDE BRAINSTORM]
            [LAN WANGJI has removed from WEN OFFICIAL GENOCIDE BRAINSTORM]

---

            [LAN WANGJI has entered WEI WUXIAN PERSONAL CHAT]

LAN WANGJI:….
LAN WANGJI: I
LAN WANGJI: that was

WEI WUXIAN: You don’t have to say anything ^.^b

LAN WANGJI: You are good.

            [LAN WANGJI left WEI WUXIAN PERSONAL CHAT]
---
            [WEI WUXIAN entered JIANG CHENG PERSONAL CHAT]

WEI WUXIAN: LAN ZHAN LIKES ME
WEI WUXIAN: HE SAID I AM GOOD

JIANG CHENG: that’s just 1 step up from not good
JIANG CHENG: Like an ant is one layer of dirt up from a worm
JIANG CHENG: also good luck with being arrested

WEI WUXIAN: wat
WEI WUXIAN: oh no

            [WEI WUXIAN has left JIANG CHENG PERSONAL CHAT]

---

            [NIE HUAISANG created GENERAL CHATROOM #5]
            [NIE HUAISANG added JIANG CHENG]
            [NIE HUAISANG added LAN WANGJI]
            [NIE HUAISANG added JIN ZIXUAN]
            [NIE HUAISANG added WEI WUXIAN]

WEI WUXIAN: [automated message: This user is incarcerated and is offline until further notice]

            [JIANG CHENG changed chat name to WEI WUXIAN IS IN GAY BABY JAIL]

NIE HUAISANG: so guys what do
NIE HUAISANG: I can’t learn the wen doctrines
NIE HUAISANG: I can’t even remember the Nie doctrines and half of it is just screaming at the sky so hard that you either pass out or throw up

JIN ZIXUAN: I will not learn the rules that govern these barbarians.

LAN WANGJI: ^

JIANG CHENG: Senior sister is very worried about wei wuxian

NIE HUAISANG: how are you talking to her?? I can’t contact anyone outside of Nevernight!

JIANG CHENG: uh

JIANG CHENG: my mistake, nobody is very worried about wei wuxian lol haha

LAN WANGJI:….

NIE HUAISANG: im worried about Bro Wei
NIE HUAISANG: but im also worried about tripping up and accidentally flying into one of those random volcano pits the wens just have in the middle of their courtyards
NIE HUAISANG: I’m also worried about bees, but that’s like, a constant thing

            [LAN WANGJI has left WEI WUXIAN IS IN GAY BABY JAIL]

JIN ZIXUAN: Wei Wuxian is too annoying to let jail bother him. I would not worry too much.

            [JIN ZIXUAN has left WEI WUXIAN IS IN GAY BABY JAIL]

NIE HUAISANG: that actually sounds about right! I feel better already.

            [NIE HUAISANG has left WEI WUXIAN IS IN GAY BABY JAIL]

JIANG CHENG:…sigh.

--

            [WEI WUXIAN entered WEI WUXIAN IS IN GAY BABY JAIL]

WEI WUXIAN: What the heck guys

            [WEI WUXIAN changed chat name to TOADFACE WEN CHAO]

NIE HUAISANG:

            [WEI WUXIAN has violated Lan Clan rule #3451 trigger word h***. A disciple will be at your
            quarters shortly to discipline you. – Lan QirenBOT]

WEI WUXIAN: oh nooo
WEI WUXIAN: @LAN WANGJI looks like your TLC is needed

            [LAN WANGJI entered TOADFACE WEN CHAO]
            [JIANG CHENG changed chat name to PUT WEI WUXIAN BACK IN GAY BABY JAIL]

NIE HUAISANG: Does anyone want to buy some porn? I brought heaps.

            [LAN WANGJI has left PUT WEI WUXIAN BACK IN GAY BABY JAIL]

JIANG CHENG: Why?!?!

NIE HUAISANG: gotta make dough to rebuild my hometown if the wens really did destroy it
NIE HUAISANG: 15% goes to rebuilding Cloud Recesses too
NIE HUAISANG: Cum for a cause

WEI WUXIAN: I’ll take 5

JIANG CHENG: CAN YOU NOT DO THIS IN PUBLIC

            [MIANMIAN entered PUT WEI WUXIAN BACK IN GAY BABY JAIL]

MIANMIAN: can I take 2 please?

JIN ZIXUAN: Mianmian!

MIANMIAN: It’s a good cause!

WEI WUXIAN: @JIN ZIXUAN if you buy 10 we can rename you JIZZ ZIXUAN. Jizzy for short.
WEI WUXIAN: oh wait that’s your father

            [JIN ZIXUAN has left PUT WEI WUXIAN BACK IN GAY BABY JAIL]

NIE HUAISANG: I’m gonna go hit up Wen Qing, she’s probably here, queer, and buys porn without fear

            [WEN QING was added to PUT WEI WUXIAN BACK IN GAY BABY JAIL]

WEN QING:….
WEN QING:…..
WEN QING: sure, give me 3

JIANG CHENG: why can’t we ever have a normal day

WEN QING: also you guys had better pack for the Suicide Fieldtrip

WEI WUXIAN: the wat

WEN QING: ah, I mean The Official Wen Outing with the New Disciples

NIE HUAISANG: I would prefer not to
NIE HUAISANG: but I fear authority too much to say no
NIE HUAISANG: i guess i will just die

MIANMIAN: im gonna hit that with a solid OK

NIE HUAISANG: fair
NIE HUAISANG: goodbye cruel world

            [NIE HUAISANG has left PUT WEI WUXIAN BACK IN GAY BABY JAIL]

WEI WUXIAN:…. I’ll fight you for his porn stash

WEN QING: you’re on

            [WEI WUXIAN has left PUT WEI WUXIAN BACK IN GAY BABY JAIL]
            [WEN QING has left PUT WEI WUXIAN BACK IN GAY BABY JAIL]