Dean was staring at nothing in particular, just the trees and the clouds that seemed to stretch forever and on. His fingers were fumbling through his school bag, attempting to distract himself from the tingling feeling in his arm. His college professor was rambling on about something related to the Holocaust; he had learned about it in high school, the teachers then had just left out the parts that would be cruicial to know. Dean had never liked history, so he always found himself zoning out, ignoring the facts his professor was giving, and focusing on how the trees moved.
He had stayed up studying all night though, desperate to pass this test, even if it was just with a seventy. His arm was still tingling as he turned to look at the college professor. He didn’t know any of his professor’s names, only that they were supposed to teach him things while he was paying a profuse amount of money.
Dean turned his gaze back to the window, watching a few birds chase each other. Dean wasn’t one to watch animals for fun, but it calmed him down much more than a history exam did, so he dealt with it.
A moment later, he watched as the professor handed him a sheet of paper. Questions lined the paper, front and back, he held his breath as he skimmed over the ink.
The first question seemed rather easy, “ What was the Holocaust?” He lingered on each answer a tad longer than was really needed, then finally decided on the fourth choice, “a time in history when six million Jewish people were murdered by the German Nazis.”
All around him, people seemed to be finishing. It made Dean self-conscious, almost as if he thought people would be annoyed with him because he was taking longer than the others. This isn’t like high school, he reminded himself.
“What was the nationality of the man who helped saved many Jewish captives during WW2, Oskar Schindler?” Dean had to read the last question over and over again, each time just seeming more and more complex than it really was. He knew this question, he knew the answer. His mind was just distracted, unfocused. He finally pulled his thoughts into order, and circled the letter next to “German” .
Minutes later, the bell rang, and students piled into the hallway. He zig-zagged throughout the hallway, ignoring the other students. His dorm wasn’t too far away from his last class, his jitters already calming down as he saw his door.
Dean didn’t have a roommate; he didn’t want one. Dean trusted very few people, all of whom didn’t go to his college. His brother, Sam, or Sammy, as he liked to call him, seemed to be his best friend. Dean’s default mode wasn’t what most people enjoyed. He has been called it all, asshole, jerk, bitch, bastard, douchebag, dick. Even the professors seemed to enjoy calling him out on things that he had no way of controlling. Sam was different though, even if he was still in high school, Sam understood Dean more than anyone ever did; Sam knew that Dean tried hard. Sam had looked up to Dean since as long as he could remember, everything he learned was taught by Dean. Sam had also never judged Dean, not once, even when Dean messed up. It was one of Dean’s pride and joy, it was something that he could freely brag about if he wanted to.
He opened the door to his dorm, entering his safe space. His bed was pressed up against the wall, gray sheets covering it. He had a few posters hung up, not many though. Each poster had one of his favorite music artists on it. His favorite poster, a picture of Led Zeppelin, was hung above his bed. His dresser had just four drawers, which surprisingly enough held all of his clothes, which wasn’t much. The blinds of his windows were shut almost all the time in his room. Dean liked to stare outside the windows when he was bored, but not so much when he needed to be studying; plus, it would have been awkward if people saw him jacking off.
Dean knew he had one more class, but he also knew he was exhausted from sleep deprivation. He checked his watch, the time reading 4:13 pm. He would have two minutes before the class started, meaning he wouldn’t be able to sleep for another hour or so unless he stayed in his dorm.
Of course, Dean decided to stay in his room. He did the ten minutes of studying before finally passing out, letting his eyes close.
The ringing of Dean’s phone is what woke him up. Sam was calling, which brought a wave of relief to go through him; they hadn’t talked in several days, which wasn’t normal for them.
“Hey, Sammy!” Dean said, yawning while doing so. Dean was still exhausted, but he would stay up for his little brother.
“Hey, Dean. So there is someone I want you to meet, and I was wondering if you would come over either tonight or tomorrow night for dinner or something like that? If you’re busy or something, then you don’t have to.” Sam’s voice was heard through the other line.
Dean smiled, “yeah, of course! What time should I be there?”
“Any time after five works.”
There was a moment of complete silence, Dean attempting to find something to say.
“Okay, well, I will see you tomorrow then. Later, Sammy.”
“Yeah, later, Dean.”
Dean hung up the phone, letting his head hit the pillow again.
Dean loved his brother, he loved Sam dearly, but he didn’t love meeting new people. People who didn’t know Dean all that well assumed he was a jerk. They assumed that he didn’t care about anything, except for himself.
That’s not what bothered him though, because everyone judges people. It is just a natural thing, even if it isn’t a good thing. What did bother him was the fact that they didn’t even try to understand him. It was okay at first, mainly because they would leave him alone; it started to bother him when they called him names behind his back. He didn’t bother them, so why couldn;t they leave him alone.
Dean spent a few minutes trying to get more comfortable again. It didn’t work. He was already awake and wouldn’t be able to go back to sleep for a while. So, Dean decided to just sit up and do nothing. He stared at his wall for who knows how long, questioning just about everything. He wondered if things would ever be good again.
He wondered about who he would fall in love with. He wondered about who he could trust. He wondered about things that were so random, it turned into him wondering how he thought about that. He thought about a lot of things too. Like how his father would come home in a drunken state almost every night, yelling and screaming for no apparent reason, just because he was able to. He thought about how his favorite color only appeared at a certain time of day, in the sunset. It wasn’t a particular color, it was just how the colors blended together into clouds and blues, purples and pinks, reds and yellows. Dean wouldn’t admit it, but he loved watching the sunset. He longed to do it with someone who he loved, someone who he could be with for the rest of his life.
What had started as him thinking about whether things would ever be good again, had turned into him wondering about who he will fall in love with. Dean knew he wasn’t straight, he knew he liked boys, but he didn’t know if he really wanted to admit to it. Dean wasn’t ashamed of it, but he wasn’t ready to tell anyone about it, despite a few people’s suspicion.
He wanted to tell his brother about how he liked boys rather than girls. He had been with a girl once, but it didn’t feel right. He didn’t like how her lips tasted like strawberry lip gloss, he didn’t like how her hands were smaller than his, and he didn’t like how she had practically pounced on her. He had hated how it felt inside her. Most teenage boys would have been thrilled to have a one-night stand with a girl, but Dean hated every second of it.
Dean didn’t want to ever have sex with a girl again. But he was terrified to be with a boy. He was scared how his brother would react to him coming out, how people would react to him falling in love with a boy.
Dean would do anything to seem normal, even if it did mean pretending to love girls.
Castiel watched the moon outside of his window. He hadn’t slept in a few days, the insomnia starting to get impossible to handle at this point. He had tried everything- counting sheep, taking benadryl, drinking chamomile tea, rubbing lavender on his wrists. He had even gone to see a physiatrist, who had only recommended melatonin, a common medication to help people sleep. Of course, as Castiel had expected, it didn’t work.
So, Castiel turned to staring at the night sky. He had always loved the night more than the day, he just didn’t know why. The moon appealed to him, made him feel calm. And the stars had a way of just imitating the perfect twinkle, like the glint and sparkle in someone’s eyes when they were ecstatic.
Castiel did this often, staring out his window at nothing in particular, just watching the stars and the moon. It made him happy, it distracted him from the anxieties and nerves that never seemed to stay at bay with him. Castiel was especially anxious now, knowing that he had made plans to meet two people he didn’t even know.
Gabriel, his older brother and one of the few people who accepted him for liking boys, had called him while at a friend’s house. Gabriel had asked Castiel if he wanted to meet his friend and their brother. Castiel, of course, not able to decline, had said yes to Gabriel. He had instead wanted to say no, he didn’t want to go meet new people. Castiel already had to meet enough people every day as it is with being in college, a very well known college, at that. And now, Castiel had plans for tomorrow.
Castiel turned to his bed, the white duvet sheets clinging to it. He knew his room was bland, boring even, but he liked it like that. He had always liked the blandness of his room. There were no posters and hardly any color, but he kept it.
He laid down on the mattress, pulling the duvet up to his chin. His anxiety had gone down, which would probably help him sleep, or at least make it easier to fall asleep.
Castiel closed his eyes, trying to imagine home. He tried to imagine the way his father used to smile, lifting Castiel up onto his shoulders and running around. His mother would always scold them, saying that it isn’t safe to be doing that in the house. They wouldn’t listen, and would instead keep on laughing and playing around. Castiel’s mother had beauty like no other, beautiful blonde hair that was down to her shoulders, freckles that could barely be seen unless you were up close, eyes that were almost as blue as the ocean. Castiel’s father would always say, “your mother’s eyes are a beautiful blue, the type of blue that made people drop to their knees. But your eyes, Castiel? Your eyes are bluer than the most clean ocean on this planet. Your eyes are what’s going to change this world, son.”
Castiel missed his home. He missed how things used to be, how things were before his father became an abusive drunk. Castiel missed how when he came home from school, his mother would always have snacks out on the table. They would talk about his day, the things he had learned. Castiel missed how his brothers would argue over the smallest things; they always seemed to find something to bicker about. He missed how simple it used to be to fall asleep. He missed how easy his life used to be.
A bat swooped outside, making small squeaking noises in the night. Castiel turned onto his side, facing the wall. He heard the front door of his house open and then close. Gabriel was home.
Gabriel worked late most nights, and when he wasn’t working, he was at his friend’s house. Gabriel had never been one to judge, he was the only one who truly understood Castiel. Despite the teasing and bickering that they shared with each other, they were best friends. They may have argued about who’s turn it was to do the dishes, or who’s mess it was to clean up, but they always had each other’s backs. When Castiel started to have severe panic attacks, the type of panic attacks that ended with him trying to get air into his lungs, Gabriel took him under his wing. Gabriel had a house that was only fifteen minutes away from his college, and there were four rooms, so Castiel was able to stay.
“Stay as long as you need, man! It’s not issue, Cassie,” Gabriel said. “Cassie” was Castiel’s nickname, which he hated with a passion; it was what Gabriel had called him since as long as he could remember.
So, Castiel stayed. He moved in two weeks ago, not worrying about what the school said. Castiel was somewhere he felt comfortable, and he trusted Gabriel with his life, so why would he worry about what the school thought.
Dean was dreading going to his brother’s house. Not because he didn’t want to see Sam, but because he didn’t want to see his brother’s friends. Sam told him that it was nothing to worry about, but that did nothing to diminish the fear that crept into his stomach as he opened his car door.
Sam had turned eighteen a few months ago, and he was still in high school, but he owned a house. It used to be Dean’s house, but after he left for college, Sam got the house. The grass was a little taller than it used to be, and the driveway had one more car than there typically was.
Dean locked his Impala, Baby was what he named her. Baby was Dean’s pride and joy. He walked up the three steps that led to the front door. He could smell the barbeque cooking in the backyard, making his stomach growl.
Deep breath in, deep breath out, he reminded himself as he raised a fist to the door. Dean knocked three times, and took a step back. Ten seconds passed before Sam came running to the door and opened it.
“Dean!” Sam laughed, engulfing his brother in a quick hug.
Sam followed Dean into the living room, where two people sat talking.
Sam pointed to the first one, he had a boyish look still, with golden hair that reached just below his ears.
“That’s Gabriel. He is my, um, friend.” Sam expressed, moving his finger to the other guy. “And this is Castiel.”
Dean moved to shake their hands. Gabriel smiled and Dean smiled back.
When Dean shook Castiel’s head, Castiel stood up.
Dean wasn’t one to be awestruck. But he was. Dean could see all of the freckles that dotted across Castiel’s face, he saw the bright blue irises that captured him in, he could see how Castiel’s lips were chapped and pink and full and it distracted him.
Dean realized he was staring at Castiel’s lips for too long when he cleared his throat.
“Okay. Time to tell you why we asked you to come here.” Sam started. A nervous crack was in his voice, which is what showed Dean just how nervous he was. Sam walked closer to Gabriel, slowly grabbing his hand. “Me and Gabe, we are, um, we’re together.”
Dean was shocked. He knew Sam only had a few girlfriends, three at the most, but he wasn’t expecting him to have a boyfriend.
“Look at you, Sammy!” Dean chirped, a wide smile on his face.
If Sam had a liking for boys as well, then he would surely accept Dean.
It felt as if a huge weight had been lifted off of Dean’s chest. And it only got lighter as the night went on.
It was now midnight, and Dean was drunk. He was intoxicated with a little bit of everything at this point, but he felt good. Dean was high on happiness and the blue eyes that kept on meeting with his.
“Hey Cas- wait, can I call you Cas?” Dean gave Castiel a smile, hoping that he would be okay with it to spare him the embarrassment. Castiel laughed and nodded. “Okay, Cas, what college are you going to?”
Dean could see the look of surprise on Castiel’s face. He figured not many people asked Castiel that question, given the look he got.
“I, um, well, I go to a college not too far from here. It’s about twenty minutes away. What about you, Dean?” Castiel gave Dean the same innocent smile that Dean had given him.
Dean’s eyes widened. Surely he would have seen Castiel around, so there was no way that they went to the same school.
“Huh, is it super big, lots of people, bland and ugly?” Dean questioned, bringing the bottle of beer up to his lips, taking a swig of the burning yet addictive beverage. Castiel’s eyes widened, nodding.
“What? No way! I would have seen you around before, especially with eyes that blue!” Dean laughed out. He realized what he had said once it was too late, and he already regretted it. “Shit, um I don’t mean it like that, just that I have seen everyone in my school.”
Dean was typically okay with lying. He had to often considering all of the things he gets caught up into. But right now? Dean wanted nothing more than to say that he thought this man in front of him was beautiful.
Castiel laughed while Dean fumbled with his fingers, trying to make it less awkward.
Sam stood up, rolling his eyes towards Dean. Gabriel yawned, stretching his arms while doing so. Sam pressed a quick kiss onto Gabriel’s cheek.
“I’m going to bed, later you drunks,” Sam laughed.
“G’night, Sammy.” Dean paused, watching Gabriel follow him up the stairs. He watched as they laughed and gripped ahold of each other’s hands. Dean forced a laugh mixed with a cough; he was happy for his brother, but he wanted something like what they have. Gabriel pressed a kiss onto Sam’s neck, them both giggling like two drunk girls. “Hey! Use protection!”
Castiel barked out a laugh at Dean’s remark. It was the type of laugh that people would find beautiful. It reminded Dean of his favorite song, but he couldn’t press why.
Dean wanted to take Castiel on a date. He wanted to dance in the rain with this man. He wanted to wake up every morning next to him. Dean wanted to know every single inch and crevice of this piece of art, and he wanted to make Castiel feel more than they had ever before.
But like every great love story, the first date had to come first.
Dean stared at Castiel’s chapped lips, beginning to find the courage that he needed to do what he wanted to do. Castiel was looking outside the window, still sitting on the couch with Dean, his legs crossed. Dean could see the reflection of the moon in Castiel’s eyes, it made him want to take a picture and keep it forever, it was so beautiful. That was all that he needed
Castiel didn’t know if he was nervous or excited, but he felt something different. He would feel butterflies in his stomach one minute and then the next he would feel his heart lurching in his throat; needless to say, he was feeling a lot all at once.
Castiel kept on subconsciously staring at Dean’s lips, but he didn’t feel too horrible about it because Dean stared at his lips as well. Dean’s lips were what Castiel would call beautiful. He wanted to hold Dean’s hand, he wanted to kiss Dean’s lips, he wanted to wake up next to Dean every morning, he wanted to show Dean just how much he could appreciate him.
“Cas?” Dean’s voice pulled him out of his train of thoughts. Castiel turned his focus from the window back to Dean, who appeared slightly nervous, almost as if he was as anxious as Castiel was. “Hey, you wanna maybe go see a movie? Or we could go to a diner, I know a really good one. Oh! There is also a new arcade that was built not too far from here, I heard it has a laser tag section.”
“Or we could just stay here, I just thought that it would be fun to go do something. I don’t know.” Dean’s smile and confidence seemed to diminish as Castiel laughed.
Castiel frowned slightly, realizing that he had embarrassed Dean. It was very uncommon for people to want to hang out with him, especially someone who was this attractive. He wanted to, God, he really wanted to go and do something with Dean. He hesitated a few seconds before answering.
“Yeah! I’d love to visit the arcade, and then we could go to the diner afterwards?” Castiel hadn’t meant for it to come out as a question, but even with how it came out, Dean seemed to be okay with it. Well, it was more than just okay, he seemed exhilarated. He seemed as excited and thrilled about this as Castiel was.
Dean smiled widely, his expression changing to happiness in less than a second. “Really?”
“Yeah, of course. I could use a break from college and all of this other shit.” Castiel expressed, standing up while raising his arms above his head, stretching.
“Awesome! I’ll get the car running,” Dean grinned, standing up. Castiel watched as Dean walked out of the front door. His heart was racing as he heard the car being unlocked.
Dean honked, telling Castiel that it was time to go. His stomach got filled with butterflies, his heart skipping beats.
What was happening to him?
Dean watched as Castiel walked out the door. He seemed to move with grace, knowing how to step with beauty. Dean stared at him, giving him a smile as he opened the door. Castiel sat in the passenger’s seat, moving his arms to get the seatbelt over and around him.
“This is a really nice car, Dean.” Castiel said, turning his head to look out the window. Dean could see the reflection of the luminous night sky bright in his eyes. It was beautiful, just as it was when they were back in the house.
“She was my father’s, but I have her now. I was obsessed with this 1967 Chevy Impala when I was younger, but I had never seen myself driving her,” Dean paused. He wondered if he was boring Castiel with what he was saying, but when he glanced at him from the corner of his eye, he could see Castiel’s face lit up with a smile. “She didn’t have a name until I got her; my father never really thought of cars as something that deserves a name. So, I named her Baby.”
“Baby?” Castiel laughed, his eyes crinkling in the corners.
Dean laughed as well, joining Castiel. “Hey, I was sixteen when he gave her to me. Don’t judge.”
Castiel turned to look at Dean, his eyes shining a bright blue. “I wasn’t judging. I think it’s a cute name. Suits the both of you.
A soft pink blush came over Dean’s cheeks and he hoped Castiel wouldn’t notice. Dean’s hands gripped the steering wheel tighter, wishing that the heat that had come over his neck and ears would just go away; but it didn’t. It only got worse as they continued talking on the way to the arcade.
“So, Dean, you got a girlfriend?” Castiel asked, not looking Dean’s way.
Dean practically choked. What kind of question was that? “Um, not at the moment. What about you? Any luck girls?”
Castiel waited a moment before answering, each second making Dean more and more nervous. “Nope.”
There was an awkward silence for another few moments. Castiel would turn to look at Dean, and Dean would turn to look at Castiel, but each time, the other wasn’t watching.
Dean took a left, turning into the arcade. There were only three other cars there, so it wouldn’t be crowded, which left a tinge of hope in Dean; maybe he could get to know more about this man who had caught is attention after just a few hours.
“I haven’t been here before, is it any good?” Castiel questioned, unbuckling his seat belt, turning to look at Dean. Dean grinned, nodding his head eagerly.
“Yeah! It’s great here, the popcorn tastes like heaven, the AC is amazing, they have lots and lots of different games, and the prices are super low, which is surprising considering how awesome it is here!” Dean realized he sounded like a seven year old on Christmas day, but Castiel still smiled. “I come here quite often, in case you couldn’t tell.”
They both got out of the Impala at the same time, a grin on Dean’s face. Castiel chuckled.
“Really? I couldn’t tell at all,” Castiel laughed sarcastically.
Dean rolled his eyes and opened the arcade door, letting Castiel go in first. There was some music playing in the background, a song that neither of them recognized. They walked up to the front counter, paying for two tickets to do the laser tag, a wide smile on both of their faces.
“Ready?” Castiel asked, his eyes twinkling in the neon lit room.
They sprinted to the first game that caught their eyes. Dean inserted two quarters, one for each of them to play. They each grabbed one of the play guns, watching the video that told them how to play. They both knew how to play though, it was obvious; kill the zombies, beat level twenty. Every few shots, Dean would turn his head to glance at Castiel, smiling at himself, attempting to not make it obvious he was staring.
“I think you’re losing, Winchester.” Castiel smirked. He shot a few more times before the game declared he was the winner.
“Oh yeah?” Dean put two more quarters into the machine, determined to beat Castiel this time. “I will kick your ass, Novak!”
They laughed, sending playful insults to each other, unable to stop smiling.
People were staring at them, but Dean didn’t care, he was having too much fun to really care about anything else.
Castiel beat Dean only one time out of the four times they played.
“Laser tag?” Dean questioned, the spark in his eyes brighter than ever. The neon lights made his face lit up with all the colors of the rainbow.
Castiel nodded, excited to do laser tagging for the first time in a long time. “Yes!”
They ran to the entrance for laser tag, Castiel wanting nothing more than to be in a dark room, most likely alone, and with Dean. He was excited, and maybe it was because he hadn’t played at an arcade in a while, or maybe it was because he was just happy to be out of school and doing something for once. But he knew that the reason was most likely because he was going to be alone with Dean, in a dark room at that. He hated to admit it, but he was slightly turned on at the sight of Dean’s ruffled up hair, the smile that has been on Dean’s face for the past hour, and the glint of mischief in his eyes.
Castiel strapped into the vest, the laser gun attached to it. He watched as Dean struggled slightly with getting it to tighten. He moved his hands to help Dean, accidentally brushing his fingers against his back.
“You are so gonna lose, Cas!” Dean laughed.
“Oh yeah? Bite me!”
“Hey, that’s my line,” Dean smirked, opening the door that leads into the dark room.
“How unfortunate.” Castiel replied, running in the opposite direction of where Dean had gone.
It had been at least two minutes before Castiel had a glimpse of Dean. He knew it was just a game, but his heart was racing. He was nervous, yet excited at the same time.
Castiel turned another corner, hoping to spot Dean. He saw a tall figure moving quickly about ten feet away from him. Castiel’s heart skipped a few beats as he saw the familiar smile; it was Dean.
He took cautious steps, not wanting to be seen by Dean. He knew that Dean had been hunting before, which made it more difficult, but he was having too much fun to worry about losing.
Castiel waited a moment before following where Dean went. His eyes had completely adjusted to the dark and dim lighting, but Dean was nowhere in sight. He turned another corner, expecting to see Dean.
Dean was still nowhere in sight.
A gasp got pulled out of Castiel’s mouth as a hand pulled him back. His heart started to beat a million miles an hour, and then even quicker when he realized it was just Dean.
“Dean! What the fuck was that for? I could have hurt you, I was so scared!” Castiel whispered, unable to conceal the smile that had snuck onto his face.
Castiel’s back was now pressed up against the wall, his stomach swirled with butterflies and his heart beating quicker than it ever had before. Dean had a smirk on his lips. Oh, those lips. Those pink, flush lips that distracted Castiel from Dean’s
“Hmm, I do remember you saying earlier to ‘bite you’. Remember that?”
Castiel’s face turned beet red. He had just been joking around at that point, but now? Now he was considering pressing his pining lips against Dean’s. Dean gripped onto Castiel’s hand, his eyes traveling from his eyes to his lips, not even trying to be subtle anymore.
Castiel was too flustered to even say the words, “kiss me,” so he just did it.
As soon as their lips connected, Dean took control. He opened Castiel’s lips with his own, his tongue pressed against Castiel’s bottom lip. Dean was warm, his warmth radiating onto Castiel. Dean lifted his hands onto Castiel’s body, traveling up and down his torso.
“I have been wanting to do that all night,” Castiel murmured against Dean’s lips, a smile covering both of their lips.
“Me too,” Dean pressed his lips onto Castiel’s again. Castiel parted his lips slightly, wanting to feel Dean’s mouth closer against his; he wanted to feel all of Dean.
Every nook and cranny. Every inch of this beautiful body was what he wanted to explore, even if it took a lifetime before he got the chance to.
“Want to go,” Castiel paused to kiss Dean again. “Back to my house?”
Dean traveled his kisses from the corner of his lips down to his neck. “Fuck yes.”
Dean’s hand was on Castiel’s thigh, squeezing gently every few minutes as he was driving to Castiel’s house. Dean could see the slight dent in Castiel’s pants, and he could feel the one in his own. It was a little awkward at first, both of them knowing that they had boners from each other, seeing their lips that were swollen and red, knowing what was to come at first.
It should have been even more awkward considering they didn’t know each other, but it was surprisingly calm in the car, despite the sexual tension and the constant eye contact.
As soon as they pulled up to where Castiel lived, Dean felt a bubble of excitement rise inside of him. He was really about to do this. He was really about to have sex with Castiel. And he couldn’t believe it.
“Gabe is still at Sam’s, so we should be alone for tonight.” Castiel rushed out, moving to open the front door. Dean didn’t say anything, just followed Castiel in and nodded his head rapidly.
Dean shut the door behind him, Castiel watching as they both kicked off their shoes. Dean got pushed onto the door, Castiel slamming his lips onto Dean’s. They tasted just as sweet as they did not too long ago, maybe even more sweet. Dean trailed his hands to Castiel’s hair, tangling his fingers in the softness of his hair.
Dean twisted his body, pressing Castiel against the wall. They were closer to his bedroom, but not close enough. Dean wanted to take his time, he wanted to make sure they both felt this. Castiel tugged on the bottom of Dean’s shirt, moving his lips to Dean’s neck. His lips were soft against the skin just above his collar bone, pulling a quiet noise that was formed from pure joy as Castiel nipped his skin gently. Dean gripped his shirt tightly, tugging it off in one swift move. He shivered slightly as the cold air slammed against his skin.
Dean’s heart was racing, each beat becoming quicker and quicker. It sent small sparks of electricity through his body each time Castiel pressed his lips against his skin. His lips. Oh God, those lips could work wonders. They were swollen and flushed a deep red. Dean could see each layer of blue in Castiel’s eyes, the color captivating him. It was beautiful, more beautiful than any other pair of eyes Dean had ever seen. He wanted a picture, he wanted to remember the exact color of his eyes. He knew he never wanted to forget this color.
Dean lifted Castiel, feeling a slight burn in his calf considering he hadn’t worked out in a while. He didn’t care though, he wanted to carry Castiel to the bedroom, lay him down gently on the bed, and show just how gentle he was going to be. Castiel’s legs were wrapped around Dean’s waist, making it easier to walk towards the bedroom.
“That way,” Castiel murmured against Dean’s lips, pointing to the hallway that was past the kitchen. He carried Castiel to the room, opening the door swiftly.
“Gonna make you feel so good, baby. So fucking good.” Dean whispered.
Dean tripped, Castiel still attached onto his body. They both fell on the bed, not as carefully as they had anticipated. Laughter erupted from Dean as he realized that carrying Castiel didn’t work. Castiel laughed, a smile covering his lips.
“Mm, that worked.” Castiel rebuked.
“Shut up and take off your clothes.” Dean smirked, slipping his jeans off. His member was fully hard now, straining against the thin fabric of his boxers. Castiel smiled, taking his shirt off and throwing it over to the right, not caring where it landed. The light wasn’t on, but Dean could still see the outline of his chest and abdomen in the darkness. He traced the skin, rubbing his fingers over the softness of him.
Dean saw faint scars trailed all along his shoulders, and as he lifted Castiel up ever so slightly, he could see even more marks and scars all along his back. Swirls of reds and purples and pinks were covering the skin, making Dean wonder what had happened to this beautiful boy that lay under him. He made a promise to be ginger and take care of him tonight, or however long Castiel let him. He promised to find out what happened to him.
“Dean…” Castiel whispered, rubbing his lips together, seeming to marvel at the sight in front of him. Dean nodded, egging him to go on. “I’m… I’m a virgin.”
“Baby, I’m gonna be careful, and if it gets to be too much, I swear I’ll stop.” Dean pulled away from Castiel’s neck. Castiel nodded, smiling softly. Dean pushed his lips onto Castiel’s, kissing him gently. “Do you have any lube?”
Dean watched as Castiel shifted around, trying to sit up so he could grab the lube. He pointed to the night stand next to the bed, the bottom drawer. Dean reached over, rummaging through the stash of random nothings. He had a collection of playing cards, it seemed, the lube being buried under several decks of cards.
Dean situated himself back into a comfortable position, pumping lube into his hands.
Castiel’s eyes widened at the sight of Dean. Castiel was nervous, but even more so now that he saw just how large Dean was. Dean was beautiful, his toned abdomen, soft and tanned skin, freckles dotted all over, mused hair sticking in all directions from Castiel running his fingers through it constantly. Dean really was a sight right in front of him.
Castiel had watched as Dean pulled down his boxers, the hardened member flinging to his stomach. Dean had some lube squirting in his hand, rubbing some onto his fingers and cock.
“Cas, I need to know that you want this. Okay, baby?” Dean’s voice was a million miles away it seemed. He heard Dean whisper sweet nothings into his ear. Castiel was far away. He was scared. Terrified. Humiliated.
“Cas?” Dean’s voice rang in his ears. “Cas! Hey, look at me!”
Castiel stared at Dean, his body trembling. He wasn’t ready for this. He couldn’t do this.
Castiel pushed Dean off of him, running to the bathroom. Tears were free falling down his cheeks, his eyesight blurry. His hands were shaking as he slid down the bathroom door. He could hear Dean asking if he was okay outside the door, but he wasn’t going to open it. Not yet anyway.
“I shouldn’t have started anything. Oh god, I am so sorry, Cas.” Dean strained. Castiel could hear his voice cracking on the other side of the door.
Castiel sat there for several hours, crying for the most part, but then he turned to watching the stars in the dark sky. He looked at his phone, reading four-fifty AM. The guilt caught up with him, but he remained in the bathroom.
All he could think of was of what happened. Sometimes he thought about what else could have happened during his time at his family’s house. Most of the time, he thought about what did happen.
Castiel was only thirteen when it happened. Him and his family had spent the entire day at the beach with their neighbors, Metatron. Everyone called him Marv though. Castiel didn’t like the way Marv kept looking at him.
“Hey Dad?” Castiel questioned, getting his father’s attention. “I’m gonna go wait at the condo, is that cool with you?”
“Yeah, just watch for cars.”
“I’ll take him back, make sure he gets there safely.” Marv had said. Castiel’s father had agreed, trusting Marv completely.
Castiel walked a few feet ahead of Marv, not wanting to be close to him at all. With each step, it seemed as if Marv was just getting closer and closer to him.
Marv followed him into the condo room, his hands too close to Castiel for comfort.
One thing had lead to another, and it ended with Castiel pinned under Marv. He was trapped as Marv had forced himself into Castiel. Each thrust Marv made left Castiel screaming and crying, begging Marv to stop. He didn’t stop, it only fueled him to hurt Castiel even more.
By the time everyone had come back to the condo, Castiel was bruised and bloodied. The skin on his back was covered in bruises and deep cuts. Castiel had to get 157 stitches in his back, each cut leaving a different scar and mark.
Surprisingly, when Castiel and his family tried to press charges, they lost the case. The judges had clarified it was because they didn’t have enough proof. As if the marks and scars littering his back wasn’t enough.
Castiel hated looking in the mirror for years after that incident. All he saw was someone who had barely survived the rape.
When Castiel opened the door he tripped and fell over something. Well, someone.
“Dean? What are you doing?” Castiel whispered not so quietly.
Dean jolted up, his hair mussed up to one side. “Cas? Hey, are you okay?”
Castiel’s eyes were wide, he hadn’t expected Dean to stay.
Dean didn’t know why he stayed for so long. Maybe it was because he didn’t want to go home yet. Maybe it was because he barely knew this guy but he wanted to stay and help him with whatever he needed.
He had fallen asleep after about an hour of sitting with his back against the cold and hard door. His hair was messed up, sticking in all sorts of directions, his clothes were sticking to his skin, which was coated in a thin layer of sweat, and his eyes still hadn’t adjusted to the light from the bathroom when Castiel asked him why he was still here.
“Well,” Castiel started. “Why haven’t you left yet?”
Dean fumbled for words. Why didn’t he leave? He didn’t have an answer to that, so he shrugged his shoulders and avoided Castiel’s curious stare.
“Okay, well you can go home now. I’m fine.” Castiel muttered, walking into the living room. Dean stood up, following him. He didn’t want to go, not until he knew Castiel was okay.
“You’re not okay.”
Castiel turned to stare at Dean. “Really? Who are you to say?”
Dean studied Castiel for a moment. There were a lot of things that gave it away. “Well, for starters, you eyes are dilated, so you probably either had a nightmare or thought of something that you don’t like thinking about. Second, you look like you’re sick.. Third, when you ran into the bathroom, you had this look of like pure terror or something. Which, by the way, I’m not mad, I seriously just stayed to make sure you were okay. I promise.”
Castiel’s mouth went slack. Dean immediately regretted what he had said.
“Sorry, I just-” Dean paused. “I don’t know how to explain it. I am just really good at reading people and their emotions and shit like that.”
Castiel didn’t say anything, only nodded.
There was an awkward silence that lingered in the air around them. Dean hated it. All that he could think about was the fact that he probably blew his chance at dating Castiel. Not just hooking up every now and then, but actually dating. Showing up at each other’s house with a bouquet of flowers, cooking together and then having a food fight, sleeping curled up next to each other every night. That was what he wanted with this man.
If there was such a thing as falling in love, that’s what Dean wanted to do with Castiel.
Hi lovelies!! How was this chapter?
“Do you wanna talk about it?” Dean questioned Castiel. Silence. “You don’t have to, I just thought maybe you might want to. I don’t know. Sorry for bringing it up again.”
Dean looked down at his feet, staring at the tile beneath him. He barely knew Castiel, yet all he wanted to do was make him feel comfortable and happy and safe. But for whatever reason, Castiel was adamant on not telling him anything. Dean didn’t mind the fact that Castiel didn’t want to tell him, that was sort of expected, he just didn’t like the silence. It made him think about everything a lot more than needed.
“I barely know you.” Castiel paused, looking at Dean with wide eyes. “And you barely know me. Why are you still here?”
Dean questioned why he was still here. Hell, he didn’t know himself. It just felt wrong to leave Castiel feeling like that. Dean couldn’t have cared less if they didn’t go back into the bedroom to get frisky again. He didn’t care if they never saw each other again after today, although that would be nice, Dean thought to himself.
“I guess I just want to make sure you are okay. I can leave if you want me to, Cas.” Dean stood up, grabbing his jacket off of the couch beside him. He didn’t want to leave, but if that’s what Castiel wanted, then he would.
Castiel turned to look at Dean, he looked like he was thinking long and hard about this. Dean hoped he would be able to stay, even if it was just for ten more minutes.
Dean waited. And waited. And waited. It was five minutes later when Castiel finally said, “Okay. You can stay, but let’s just-” Castiel hesitated. “Let’s just stay friends for the time being, if that’s okay.”
A smile warmed onto Dean’s face. “Yeah, of course! I would love to be just friends!”
“Okie dokie…” Castiel said, hesitating a little. “So, friend, wanna watch some tv?”
Dean grinned, plopping onto the couch, making sure to not sit too close to Castiel, just in case he got the wrong idea. “Yeah, you pick.”
Dean watched as Castiel skimmed through the list of tv shows and movies that were on. He finally settled for a movie that was supposed to be horror, but they both knew it was going to be cheesy. Castiel got up and went into the kitchen to make some popcorn for the two of them. Dean grabbed two blankets from off the couch that they weren’t occupying and wrapped one of them around himself. Castiel’s and Gabriel’s house was a lot colder during the day than it was at night.
“Soda?” Castiel questioned from the kitchen.
“Yeah, thanks!” Dean replied back.
Castiel came back into the living room, arms filled with a bowl of popcorn, two bottles of Coca-Cola, and a few napkins for the two of them. Dean thanked him, immediately taking a long swig of the Coca-Cola. He hadn’t had anything to drink since the night before, so he was extremely thirsty, and while it wasn’t exactly water, it was something. Castiel sat down a foot away from Dean, placing the bowl of popcorn in between them.
“Ya know, that ‘horror’ movie, is nowhere near as scary as that one movie that everyone has been talking about.” Castiel mentioned after they had finished the movie. Dean was helping him clean up in the kitchen. “Maybe we could go, like with Sam and Gabe or something. If you want, of course.”
“Yeah, we’ll have to talk with Sammy and Gabe about it sometime.” Dean said, drying the bowl that Castiel had just finished washing. He placed it in the cupboard above him and turned to face Castiel. “Now what?”
Castiel thought about what they could do next. He wanted so badly to tell Dean about why he panicked, but he barely knew Dean, it only felt as if they had known each other for years with how well they got along with each other.
“I was thirteen when it happened,” Castiel blurted out without thinking twice about it. Dean gave him a confused look, but didn’t question him. Castiel continued, avoiding Dean’s gaze. “Me and my family were on a family vacation with my neighbor, Marv. I had never trusted Marv, but my dad and him were practically best friends. They did everything together, despite our complaints.”
Dean sat at the kitchen table, still listening to Castiel explain what happened. Castiel was hesitant about telling him about this, but continued anyway.
“We were at the beach pretty much all day, and Marv kept staring at me weirdly. At some point, I had told my dad that I was going to go back to the Condo we were staying at, but Marv decided he would walk me there. My dad agreed, so Marv went with me. I remember he didn’t say anything until we got back to the Condo, which is when things started to get really bad. He had forced me to-” Castiel paused, his voice starting to break. Dean gave him a comforting smile. “Sorry, it’s just… it’s just hard to talk about, even after it was years ago.”
“No, I understand. He, um, he forced you to do things, right?”
Castiel nodded. “I kept on trying to get away, but he held me down. After a few minutes of my fighting to get away, he started hitting me. Then he held me at knife point. By the time my family got back, I was bruised and bloody. There were gashes and cuts littering my body.”
“I am so sorry, Cas. I had no idea. I can’t even imagine what that must have felt like.” Dean whispered, reaching over to grab Castiel’s hand. Castiel gave him a small smile.
“Yeah, but it was a long time ago. It doesn’t really bother me unless I’m, well, unless things like what happened last night happen.” Castiel let out a dry laugh. He didn’t even sound the least convincing about it not bothering him. Because it did, it bothered him almost every night; he just refused to admit to it.
“He’s in prison now, right?” Dean questioned, still holding Castiel’s hand. Castiel didn’t want to let go, but did anyway. Just friends, he reminded himself.
Castiel sighed, “yeah, you’d think so. But, they didn’t believe me. I mean, my family did, they helped me, but the judge? It seemed like they couldn’t have cared less. When it got more known, some other men even said that I should have enjoyed it. I guess I have just learned to accept the fact that no matter what I say, it won’t matter to some people.”
Tears brimmed in Castiel’s eyes, but he didn’t even realize it until Dean reached over and handed him a tissue.
“Sorry, you probably think I’m pathetic or something.” Castiel muttered after wiping his face.
“What? Oh my god, no! If anything, I think you are really strong for being able to talk about it. I have a friend, Jo, she was always getting harassed and assaulted back in high school by these perverted boys, so me and Sammy always scared ‘em off. Our family friend, Ellen, taught us to never touch a girls without their consent. I guess you could call it ‘feminism’ or whatever, but it’s always bothered me when people say that men don’t get, um, taken advantage of. And anytime Jo reported this one guy to the police because he wouldn’t stop touching her, they said that because she doesn’t have any proof, other than the bruises, but that ‘could’ve been from anything,’ they had told her. That’s when I started to take more notice to all of the things that’s fucked up with this world, especially with sexism and all of the other issues that revolve around men and how perverted and revolting some men are.” Dean rambled, causing a smile to grow onto Castiel’s face.
“So, you’re a feminist too?” Castiel asked, his tone sounding a lot happier than before. Dean nodded, a slight blush on his face. “I thought I was the only one who thought that this world is more fucked up than it seems.”
Dean shook his head. “Nope! I don’t agree with a lot of things though, like how our president is a jackass, racism, hell, I don’t even understand what the whole deal with homophobia is!”
“Me too!” Castiel laughed out. They smiled towards each other, and Castiel felt calmer. He knew he could trust Dean, even if they have only known each other for a short period of time.
Castiel relaxed into the chair, not caring about anything else in the world but the fact that he could finally talk about it without being told that it was a long time ago; he could talk about it without feeling embarrassed.
Dean was shocked. He knew something must have happened to Castiel to make him scared to do certain things, but he wasn’t expecting it to be that bad. When Jo had gone through those things, she had always seemed so strong, but Dean knew it was an act. They were best friends, and trusted each other with everything. Jo was the first one to suspect Dean being gay, which she tried to coax him into coming out to his family, but that didn’t work. Dean was the only one who didn’t judge Jo when she got scared because of a guy that stood too close to her, or when a guy catcalled her. Just about everyone else got tired of her panicking from the small things that would trigger her past, but Sam and Dean were always there for her, no matter what.
Castiel looked so much more happier, Dean noticed. His eyes seemed to be smiling, a slight glint in them. Dean noticed the very few caramel highlights in his hair that could only be seen at an angle. He noticed the way that Castiel’s lips curved up slightly when he was talking. He noticed that if you looked close enough, Castiel’s eyes had several different hues of blue stacked on top of each other in his orbs.
Dean realized he was staring when Castiel looked away with a tinge of pink shadowing his cheeks. Embarrassment flowed through Dean as he also looked away.
“In a sense, I’m glad that you panicked last night, otherwise I never would’ve known about your past.” Dean blurted out, attempting to end the deafening silence. He immediately regretted what he said. “That, um… that came out wrong. I didn’t mean it like I’m glad you panicked, I am just glad that-”
Castiel interrupted him, “Dean, I know what you meant. And I guess in a way, I am glad I panicked. I was never really able to talk about it with anyone other than Gabe, but even then, he didn’t understand.”
Dean couldn’t help but give Castiel a smile. There wasn’t a particular reason behind the smile, it just felt right.
Dean could feel the tension in the air. It was different, not just sexual tension like it was the night before. It was an understanding between the two of them that they could sit in silence all day long and still be able to have a conversation. They could ignore each other all they want, but at the end of the day, they would end up back in the same room.
Dean had left Castiel’s house hours ago, but it felt as if he was still there with Castiel. It seemed as if Dean had left a permanent scent in Castiel’s house, making him want Dean to come back. All it would take is a phone call and he would be on the way, but Castiel didn’t want to seem clingy and obsessive.
It felt lonely now that Dean was gone and Castiel did everything to distract himself. He watched TV, read a bit of a book, cooked something he had been craving, and even attempted to take a nap. Nothing worked. All he could think about was how soft Dean’s lips were against his, how sweet Dean’s lips tasted, how warm his skin felt against his, how kind Dean was to him. Everything.
A knock on the door pulled Castiel out of his thoughts. He walked to the front door, opening the door to reveal a sweat covered Gabriel.
“Cassie, thank God!” Gabriel burst in, shoving Castiel out of the way. Castiel rolled his eyes at the nickname.
“It’s Castiel, or Cas.” He replied dryly, closing the door behind him.
Gabriel ignored him, searching frantically around the room. “Nevermind that! Where’s Dean? Have you heard from him anytime lately?”
A blush shadowed Castiel’s cheeks. “Ah, well, he left a few hours ago. Why? Did something happen?”
Gabriel’s eyes darkened. “Wait, he was… he was here?”
Castiel nodded. “Why, did something happen?”
Castiel felt an odd sense of panic deep in his gut. If something happened to Dean, he wouldn’t know what to do. He barely knew the guy, but he didn’t want to rid of this newfound relationship.
“Okay, you said he left a few hours ago?” Gabriel questioned, turning to face Castiel. Gabriel was pacing the living room at this point, making Castiel more nervous than before. Gabriel hardly ever paced, unless it was bad. Castiel nodded his head, encouraging Gabriel to continue. “Sam told me he never came home.”
Castiel pulled out his phone, scrolling through his contacts until he saw Dean’s. He pressed the call button for Dean’s number, raising the phone to his ear. Not even a full ring had sounded before Dean answered.
“Hey, Cas! What’s up?” Dean’s voice instantly calmed Castiel. He was okay, probably just at a friends house or out to eat or something.
“Oh, nothing. Gabriel sorta just said that you had never gone home. I guess Sam got worried or something.” Castiel replied.
“I don’t live with Sam,” Dean’s tone darkened.
“Oh.” Castiel realized what was going on. “I’m gonna call you back later, okay?”
“Yeah, sure!” Dean said before hanging up.
Castiel turned to look at Gabriel. There was a huge grin on Gabriel’s face, which is what solidified his suspicions. It was a fucking prank.
“This is why I have trust issues!” Castiel yelled, stomping into his room.
“Did you sleep with him?”
“Gabe!” Castiel couldn’t believe this. That’s what Gabriel was worried about? Not the fact that he had scared Castiel half to death?
“Well?” Gabriel pressed. Castiel knew that he wouldn’t drop it until he knew the answer.
“No, you assbutt!” Castiel snapped. “What’s it to you?”
Gabriel smirked. “I knew you and him were flirting with each other practically the whole time, I wasn’t expecting him to come over here though. I’m proud of you though, finally being able to trust someone. Who knows? Maybe you and him will actually get together?”
Castiel blushed, and while he didn’t want to admit it, the thought was nice.
“Oh, and it was all Sam’s idea to prank you, so you can get mad at him, not me.” Gabriel said sing-songy.
“I’m still pissed.”
Gabriel laughed. “Oh, shut it, dickbag.”
Sam had called Dean, slamming him with loads of unneeded questions.
“Dean!” Sam’s voice yelled through the phone.
“Oh my god, what?” Dean expressed, annoyed at all of the questions being thrown towards him.
Sam laughed. “You never answered my question- did you and him bang?”
Dean wanted to laugh. He wish he could have said yes. “No, we did not. Can I go back to my homework now?”
“Homework? You doing homework? I must be in the wrong universe!” Sam laughed loudly, ignoring what Dean had said. “Okay, fine. I’ll call you later.”
“Okay, bye… jerk.” Sam said, and Dean could imagine the smile on Sam’s face.
Dean turned off his phone, attempting to focus on his homework, which was due in three days. He was tired, wanting nothing more than to crawl into bed and go to sleep, but it was obvious that wouldn’t happen. At least not with how often his mind kept on shifting to Castiel.
His head hurt from how much he was trying to focus on one sentence. His mind wouldn’t let him. All he could think about was how soft Castiel’s lips were against his, how blue his eyes were, how silky smooth his skin felt against Dean’s calloused hands, how his hair felt between his fingers, how gravelly and sexy his voice was.
Dean hadn’t realized his hands were palming the raging boner that was rutting out against his jeans. His breaths were coming out raggedly, his mind wandering to Castiel and all of the things they could do together.
Castiel grumbled, trudging his feet down the hallway. He had to get a schedule change, all because of some issue with the professors. Of course, it had to be Castiel who was needed to get new classes, as if there weren’t any other students in this college.
The hallway seemed to be closing in on Castiel, his breaths becoming more shallow. His chest heaved with each breath, and his lungs began burning. Castiel turned his eyes from left to right, trying to find the nearest bathroom. When he saw one, he burst through the door. To his surprise, there wasn’t anyone in there with him, at least what he could see of.
Castiel knew he was having a panic attack, he just didn’t know why. He knew it could be because of the schedule change, but that would have been a stupid reason to have an attack over, he told himself. Tears brimmed his eyes as he slammed into the nearest stall door. The bathroom’s air was stale and cold, the cool air burning more than it had before he came here.
“Fuck… breathe Castiel. Breathe!” Castiel whispered between ragged breaths. Tears were already streaming down his face and landing onto his hoodie.
Castiel heard the restroom door open. He wanted someone to help him, but he wouldn’t let anyone see him, at least not until he stopped crying. He muttered a string of cuss words under his breath, attempting to stop the tears by holding his face in his hands.
“Fuck. Fuck. Fuck.” He whispered to himself.
“Um, if you’re whacking off in here I can go, man.” A voice sounded.
“Dean?” Castiel questioned. He hadn’t seen him in two and a half weeks.
Dean slowly opened the stall door. “Cas?”
“Cas?” Dean questioned, his eyes widening at what he saw.
Dean knew that Castiel had anxiety from his past and what happened, but he had no idea it would be this bad. He couldn’t count all of the tears that were streaming down Castiel’s face, and it seemed that each time he tried to breathe, it hurt, given how he winced at each breath.
“Cas? Hey, what’s wrong?” Dean immediately dropped to a crouching position to get to Castiel’s height. Castiel peered up at him with his bright blue eyes that seemed to be even more vivid with the tears that pooled his eyes. “Hey, talk to me. You’re gonna be okay, Cas.”
“I… I can’t breathe.” Castiel sputtered out. Dean grabbed his hands tightly, holding them in an attempt to calm Castiel down.
“What do I need to do?” Dean asked, becoming slightly nervous himself. He could feel the harsh breaths from Castiel brushing against his arms. Dean moved his hands to Castiel’s face, placing one palm on each cheek gently. “Hey, breathe. Breathe. You’re gonna be okay. It’s gonna be okay.”
Castiel didn’t answer, just continued to sob into Dean’s hands. Dean inched closer to Castiel, pulling his small and fragile body into his arms. Castiel let himself fall into Dean’s arms. They both knew that the class had already started, but it didn’t matter. Dean wasn’t going to leave until he knew Castiel was okay.
It was ten minutes later when Dean’s arms finally began to ache. He moved his arms out from under Castiel, and shifted his legs so that Castiel could still lean against him.
It was odd, seeing Castiel like this when just a few weeks ago they were making out hardcore. Castiel’s body was soft and warm and flush against Dean’s chest. His eyes were closed, but Dean knew he was still awake given how uneven his breathing was. Castiel’s chest wasn’t heaving like it had been before, but his breathing wasn’t quite back to normal. Dean wasn’t ready to let Castiel go, and Castiel wasn’t ready to let Dean go. Not yet anyway
“Hey, you okay?” Dean whispered. He didn’t want Castiel to feel like he had to get up, so he kept his voice soft and quiet. To his surprise, nobody had come in the restroom, but that could change any minute now that some classes will be ending soon.
Castiel nodded his head weakly, his eyes still closed. Dean lifted Castiel up gently, being careful to not move too quickly and trying not to scare him.
Castiel sighed, “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to just break down like I did. I haven’t had a panic attack like that in several years.”
“It’s okay, really. I’m not mad, I promise.” Dean soothed, rubbing Castiel’s back in an attempt to help him relax again. He could feel the tension that had built up over time in his shoulders and back, but he fought the urge to massage his fingers into the muscle.
Castiel jerked up, the top of his head butting into Dean’s chin. Dean bit down hard on his bottom lip.
“Ah, fuck!” Dean cursed, lifting his hands to his chin. He could taste blood on his lip, beginning to overpower his mouth with a metallic taste.
Castiel twisted around to face Dean. “Oh god, I’m so sorry! I didn’t mean to hit you. Are you okay?”
Castiel raised a hand, gingerly touching the cut on Dean’s bottom lip from where his teeth bit into. Dean winced, causing Castiel to draw back, as if it hurt him as well. Castiel grabbed some of the toilet paper, bunching it up and placing it gently against Dean’s busted lip.
“I don’t mean to be an ass, but why’d you jump up so suddenly?” Dean questioned, letting Castiel examine the cut that was still bleeding. It obviously wasn’t a big cut, but Dean liked Castiel nursing it. It was something that he wouldn’t admit, but he thought was extremely sweet and caring, given how he was shaking and sobbing not too long ago. It seemed absurd just how quickly he changed into someone so protective but nurturing in just one small movement. It made Dean’s heart flutter.
Dean chuckled. “Oh, and this isn’t?”
A slight blush clouded over Castiel’s cheeks, making Dean grin. He quickly stopped smiling when his lip began to sting from the small stretch of the smile.
“Okay. Fine. I guess it surprised me because it felt really good.” Castiel mumbled. “Assbutt.”
“What the hell is an ‘assbutt’? Are we making up words now?” Dean laughed out. He watched Castiel’s lips curve into a small smile. “Okay… hm… waddletwit! Yeah. Waddletwit. That’s what you are.”
“What the hell is a ‘waddletwit’?” Castiel burst into laughter.
“You. You’re a waddletwit.” Dean blushed, but he didn’t know why. He wanted to kiss Castiel, but he didn’t know why. He wanted to make Castiel feel all of the happiness in the world, that’s what he wanted to do. Dean barely knew the guy, but he wanted Castiel to feel loved.
“Can I kiss you?” Dean blurted out.
Castiel blinked. Did Dean ask what he think he just asked? He couldn’t fight the smile that warmed onto his lips.
“Your lip still has blood on it,” Castiel smirked. He wanted to kiss Dean so badly, especially now that he knew he could trust Dean considering how soft and gentle he was during his panic attack.
“Mm, yeah.” Dean whispered. He moved closer to Castiel, his breath fanning Castiel’s lips, making him shiver with delight. It was something so small. So simple. And then it happened.
It was soft and chaste at first, the kiss that Castiel ignited. It happened so quickly, he could tell that it took Dean by surprise. Even with his eyes closed, he somehow knew that Dean had his stupidly cute smile on his stupidly plump and perfect lips. It took them both by surprise when Castiel shifted his weight so that he was practically on top of Dean again.
Dean’s lips were soft. God, they were so soft. And they tasted sweet, like vanilla. Dean’s hands travelled up and down Castiel’s leg, but he refused to go past his mid-thigh. He knew Dean was being cautious, which made it all the more better for Castiel; he knew Dean was being extra careful, which made him want this even more.
With their mouths intertwined, hands searching each other’s bodies, travelling with admiration. Dean slid his tongue into Castiel’s warm mouth, and Castiel moved his hands onto Dean’s soft but firm chest. Castiel could feel Dean’s calloused hands caressing his neck gingerly, drawing him closer. He could feel Dean’s heart thumping, quivering quickly under Castiel’s fingertips. Castiel wanted to press his lips against his chest, he wanted to feel Dean’s heart fluttering against his lips. He wanted to feel how human they were.
“Cas, should we… should we go to my dorm room?” Dean mumbled against Castiel’s neck. Castiel wanted to say yes. He wanted to just lay in bed with his head laying on Dean’s chest. “I mean, if you want to, of course. We don’t have to do anything, or we could watch a movie or something?”
Castiel watched how he trailed his fingers away from where they were tangled in his hair. He fought the urge to grab Dean’s hands and place them back where they were. He didn’t know how to answer, so he just stood up.
Dean jumped up onto his feet, a confused look covering his handsome features. Castiel intertwined their fingers, gently pulling Dean behind him. When he opened the restroom door, he paused.
“I don’t know where your room is…” Castiel whispered, a faint smile warming onto his lips.
“Okay, that’s okay. Obviously you wouldn’t know where it is. That would be weird; well, not just weird, but also creepy and stalkerish.” Dean rambled. He was nervous. Castiel laughed, bringing one finger and pressing it against Dean's lips, encouraging him to stop rambling. “Sorry. I don't know why I'm so nervous.”
Dean watched Castiel. He saw the layers upon layers of blue in his orbs, the messy hair that sort of looked like sex hair, the plump and pink chapped lips that look so kissable, the soft hands that were enclosed in and around Dean’s own hands. Dean saw just how beautiful Castiel is for what seemed like the millionth time.
“It’s okay, Dean. Lead the way, my charming prince.” Castiel whispered in Dean’s ear, having to stand on his tip-toes to be able to reach.
“Should I go get a horse? A sword maybe?” Dean chuckled, leading the way to his dorm room. They passed a few people, each one not caring about what they were doing. It calmed Dean, and he could feel Castiel physically relax as well.
There was no answer as Dean opened the door, his room feeling like a home away from home. It was calming to see the bed that was pressed up against the wall, his sheets and blanket thrown on the bed carelessly, the window shut tightly and not letting any light in the room. Yeah, it was dimly lit, and it didn’t have a lot of color, but it was Dean’s. And Dean loved his small and cozy room where he felt like he could be himself.
“I like your room.”
Dean turned to look at Castiel. “Oh, uh, thanks Cas.”
It was slightly awkward at first, having Castiel in his room, but it didn’t matter. Dean knew that this was probably nerve racking for Castiel, so he didn’t push. He would have loved to throw him on the bed, kissing all over Castiel’s beautiful body, ravishing in his calming scent, making Castiel feel loved and safe and happy. But he wouldn’t do that, not until he knew for sure that Castiel wanted that as well.
“Movie?” Dean questioned, plopping down on the bed, turning on the small TV. He turned his gaze to Castiel, who smiled, sitting down next to Dean. Castiel laid down, grabbing Dean’s hand and pulling him down next to him.
“Yeah, I’m cool with a movie. Netflix?” Castiel grinned, laying his head on top of Dean’s shoulder. Dean pulled the blanket up, covering their bodies and letting the softness and warmth cover him.
Castiel drew small circles on Dean’s chest, each touch of his fingertips sending small chills throughout Dean’s body.
It wasn’t hard, being with Dean. It was quite easy actually. He didn’t ask Castiel unneeded questions, and Castiel didn’t push him away. Of course, there was still the whole issue with being “just friends”, or so they claimed they were.
Castiel wanted to say, “are we together… or just friends?” He kept his lips sealed though, that is, when he and Dean weren’t kissing and having their lips locked with each other. God, it was so easy being in the same room as him, not afraid to lean into him, trusting him with what seemed like everything. It was so easy.
And yet, Castiel refused to trust himself with words. He knew that if he were to ask or say something, it would just come out in rambles and little slurs of words. So, he just watched. He watched every movement of Dean’s, from the sharp intakes of breath he would breathe in, to the soft and gentle kisses leading from Castiel’s lips to his collarbone. Castiel found it calming, seeing the emerald green orbs that met his stormy blue ones.
“Cas?” Dean whispered. Castiel looked up, meeting the eyes he was just thinking about. He nodded his head and raised an eyebrow, encouraging Dean to continue. “Hey. Assuming we aren’t going to classes today, wanna take a nap?”
Castiel laughed, “Yeah, I suppose we probably won’t be attending classes today. And, a nap actually does sound really good.”
“Geez, Cas. You’re making me sound like some kid with all of your sophistication!” Dean barked out, tickling Castiel’s side.
“Hey! I thought we were taking a nap?” Castiel murmured, hiding his face in Dean’s pillow in a weak attempt to cover his smile. He hated being tickled on the sides of his stomach, but for some odd reason, it didn’t bother him when Dean tickled him. Dean grinned, reminding Castiel of a seven year old on Christmas morning, and flopped onto the pillow beside Castiel.
Dean kissed Castiel’s temple, scooting closer towards him. Castiel sighed into Dean’s chest, letting Dean’s arms embrace him.
Castiel closed his eyes, allowing himself to fully relax. His body went slack as Dean tucked them both in, covered with the blanket around their bodies. Their legs were entangled together and Dean's arms were wrapped around Castiel's body.
They both knew that they weren't just friends, but neither would say anything.
Dean woke up to see Castiel on the floor, shaking. As far as he could tell, he didn’t see any tears on Castiel’s cheeks.
“Cas?” Dean whispered softly. Castiel peered up, catching Dean’s soft gaze. “Hey, you okay?”
Castiel didn’t answer. Dean looked around the room, the fact that it was dark finally settling into his clouded mind that was still waking up. He stood up, opening the curtains to see the pitch blackness outside, everything seeming to be dark except for the dimly lit moon, which was barely peeking out from behind the clouds. It was going to rain. Thunder clouds were on the way.
Dean turned around, to see Castiel still sitting on the floor with his back to the wall and his knees to his chest. He was no longer crying or shaking, but there was no telling what was going through his mind. Dean sat on the edge of the bed, the two of them staring at each other. Green meeting blue.
“I just had a nightmare and needed to breathe for just a second. Sorry.” Castiel murmured, standing up to his full height. It was silent for another few seconds, just the sounds of their breathing filling the night air. “Scoot over?”
Dean obliged, scooting over just so that there was just enough space for the two of them in the tight-fitting space of the bed. Castiel crawled in, laying next to him, placing his head against Dean’s chest, allowing the blanket to be pulled over them.
“Ya know, this isn’t exactly what ‘friends’ do,” Dean suggested, chuckling. Castiel smiled against his chest, the small gesture making pride swell in his chest. He got him to smile- even if it was a small one, lasting for just a few seconds- after crying and shaking from a nightmare. Castiel placed a soft kiss on Dean’s chest, slightly tickling the skin.
“Hm, I suppose you’re right,” Castiel paused. Dean could tell he was smirking from how his lips turned up, brushing against Dean’s skin. “But then maybe we aren’t friends, are we?”
Dean fell asleep before he could answer, not knowing Castiel had said something. Castiel sighed, allowing himself to close his eyes as well, hesitantly welcoming the sleep that he so badly needed.
A week later, Castiel was still thinking about Dean. About how soft his lips were. About how they had agreed on being just friends. About how that had worked out so greatly.
He was sitting in the shower, the hot water streaming down his back like a cascading waterfall. It was comforting, the steam surrounding him, the warm air that he breathed in and breathed out carefully, the soapy scent surrounding him. The only thing that was off was the fact that he couldn’t get Dean out of his thoughts.
Castiel sighed, exhaling dramatically, blowing his cheeks out. He grabbed the conditioner, watching the creamy substance flow through his fingers. He brought his hands to his hair, lathering the conditioner through his short, raven black hair. Another breath in. Another breath out.
He had another panic attack, only this time, Dean didn’t come and be Castiel’s night and shiny armour. Nobody came this time. Castiel was left with his thoughts. His memories. The memories that he had tried so hard to forget and out past him.
But he knew that was near impossible.
Castiel stepped into the rinse of the water, lifting his head up gingerly, allowing the cascading water to wash out the conditioner. He lifted both of his hands, running his fingers to help with the rinse.
It was easy. It was so fucking easy to think about what had happened to him. But he didn’t enjoy it, nobody enjoyed it, but there wasn’t a way for him to forget it, not now at least. So, he dealt with it.
While Castiel turned, letting the water his face with a gentle pressure, he let the tears that had already built up in his eyes fall. It burned, the mixture of the pressure and the heat with the salty tears. It had been a while since he could really let himself go, even just for a second, and it felt good; being able to cry, letting out harsh breaths from the day before, everything that had built up just being forced and hashed out of him.
Castiel reached for the body wash, the bottle being a forest green color, holding the clear and soapy substance. It reminded him of the color that Dean’s orbs held. Oddly enough, it eased more of the anxiety that he had been penting up inside of him. Deep breath in, deep breath out, Castiel told himself while squeezing some of the soap into his hand.
He lathered soap all over his body, massaging his skin softly while doing so. He looked down at himself, frowning at what he saw. It didn’t matter that he was soft and toned. It didn’t matter that he could be told “you look great today”, he would still think otherwise, constantly being convinced he looked horrible and ugly. It didn’t matter that he did his best to take care of his body, he would never see himself the way others do, and he knew that.
Castiel stepped in the stream of hot water again, letting it flow down his body and washing all of the soap off. He wished it would wash off all of the sadness he felt inside of him, but there would be no such thing.
When Castiel was finished with his shower, he felt even more at ease. His bones and muscles felt relaxed, all of his previous worries seeming to be so insignificant. He threw on a pair of sweatpants and a hoodie that was way too big for him, which was to be expected, considering it was Dean’s. Castiel hadn’t meant to take it, but when he left Dean’s dorm, he was still wearing the hoodie. It still smelled like Dean, so Castiel continued to wear it every chance he got.
“Hey Cassie, pizza?” Gabriel’s voice sounded from the other room. Castiel loved pizza, so of course he yelled back a yes, a hint of excitement ringing in his voice. He could hear Gabriel’s laugh from the kitchen. “Okay, I’ll order!”
Castiel nodded, even though he knew Gabriel wouldn’t be able to hear. “Just let me know when the pizza is here!”
Castiel laid down on his bed, sinking into the mattress, pulling the blanket up to his chin. He reached over and grabbed his phone from off of the nightstand. Should he call Dean, or would he seem to clingy? While yes, it was just a week ago when Castiel saw Dean, but he was already pining. Hell, he was pining for Dean’s arms to be wrapped tight around him while he was in the car and on the way back to his house.
Castiel had tried everything ranging from trying to imagine the exact color of Dean’s eyes, to attempting to jack off. He was always too scared to finish, so he never did. Maybe it was because he just was never in the mood, or maybe it was because he was terrified of the idea of having pleasure from his body after what had happened. Castiel knew it wasn’t normal for a guy his age to be scared of having sex, but then again, most guys his age weren’t groped and abused and fucking raped at age thirteen. Sure, some guys, but not most.
That’s what confused him most- wanting to be with Dean, but still being scared of what would come. It was one thing for them to kiss and cuddle, but a whole different dimension if they start getting more intimate all of a sudden. Castiel wanted to, he would admit to that in a heartbeat, but he also wanted to take things slow, even if that meant him and Dean getting that intimate years from now. He knew Dean would understand, he knew he could trust Dean.
Ten minutes later, Castiel was being shaken awake. He furrowed his brows when he saw Gabriel peering above him, hanging a slice of cheese pizza above Castiel’s face.
“Gabe! Really?” Castiel shouted, forcing Gabriel to get off of him. Gabriel only laughed, pushing Castiel into the kitchen. The smell of grease, cheese, bread, and meat instantly filled his nostrils, making his stomach growl loudly.
“Ah, the prince has awoken!” A familiar voice said.
“Oh, hey Sam. How are you?” Castiel questioned, not even turning to look at Sam before grabbing a piece of greasy pizza. He took one large bite, then he turned to face Sam. The first thing he noticed was the huge grin plastered on his face. “You seem happy, did Gabriel trip or something?”
A hand hit the back of Castiel’s head with a loud thunk , making Castiel wince and raise his hand to the back of his head, massaging his scalp gently. Gabriel playfully glared at Castiel and Sam, trying- and then poorly failing- to not smile at how idiotic the grins on their faces were. Sam barked out laughing as Gabriel started to mock Castiel’s movements dramatically.
“Haha, so very funny. Can’t you tell how hard I’m laughing?” Castiel remarked dryly, grabbing two more slices of the pizza that seemed so heavenly in his mouth.
It was slightly awkward at first for Castiel, being in the same room as Sam and Gabriel, practically being forced to watch them make lovey faces toward each other and send flirty remarks back and forth. It was cute, Castiel thought, but god it was annoying. Throughout the entire movie, all he could hear were the making out noises in the couch next to him.
Castiel wished Dean was there. He wanted Dean to be there so that they could make Sam and Gabriel feel uncomfortable. He wanted to be able to lean into Dean’s side, letting Dean’s arms wrap around Castiel’s body, as if Dean was a blanket himself.
Dean knocked on Sam’s front door, his heart racing out of his chest. It seemed odd being here again, but he came nevertheless. Dean knew that it was a small gather up, but he was still nervous, even though the possibility of Castiel was greater if there was going to be other people as well.
Sam appeared, opening the front door and immediately handing Dean a beer.
“Getting the party started, I see. Me likey!” Dean laughed, he pushed past the door and patted Sam on the shoulder. He searched all around, trying to find those blue eyes he couldn’t stop thinking about.
“Your lover boy is in the kitchen, I knew you would want him to be here.” Sam smirked, placing a chaste kiss on Gabriel’s cheek. Dean blushed, thanking Sam for the information.
Dean pushed past a few people, eager to see Castiel. As soon as he entered the kitchen, he saw the blue eyes and dark hair, and his stomach did a flip-flop, butterflies beginning to swarm.
Dean made his way towards Castiel, a wide smile evident on his lips. Castiel's heart fluttered, the palpation sending chills down his spine.
“Dean, hey!” Castiel smiled, not caring about anything else in the world except for the fact that he was now here. “How are you?”
Dean grinned, pulling Castiel into a tight embrace. Castiel could feel Dean’s sporadic heartbeat fluttering against him. Dean placed a chaste kiss on Castiel’s temple. Castiel didn’t care that people could see them, and maybe it was because he was slightly intoxicated by the beer that Gabriel had continuously been handing him, but Castiel figured it was most likely because he felt even more intoxicated by Dean. Which was definitely okay in his books.
“I’m better now that I’m here with you.” Dean murmured, not even attempting to hide his emotion. Castiel’s heart raced a million miles, the sound of Dean’s soft but deep voice sending gentle and tickling chills down his spine. In the span of less than two minutes, he has gotten chills twice.
“Hm, that sounds a little sappy Dean. Are you feeling alright?” Castiel joked, trying to hide his smile, but of course, he failed at hiding the happiness on his lips. Dean scoffed, a smirk raiding his lips. He pressed his lips gently onto Castiel’s, taking Castiel completely by surprise. He wasn’t expecting it, but he was definitely not complaining. Dean pulled away, leaving Castiel wanting more. A wide, toothy grin was making its way onto both of their lips.
“How’s that for ‘sappy’” Dean chuckled, using air quotes. Castiel’s cheeks turned a light pink, the heat rising to his face.
Castiel shrugged. “I don’t know, you may have to do better than just a kiss,” Castiel’s voice was teasing, like he knew something that Dean didn’t. Of course, Castiel wasn’t hiding anything, he was just in a risk-taking mood tonight, which he could tell Dean gladly accepted.
“Wanna dance?” Dean questioned, holding his hand out for Castiel to take. Castiel smiled and gripped his hand tightly, letting Dean pull him onto the “dance floor”. It was really just a wide span of space due to the fact that Sam and Gabriel had moved the sofas back. Castiel wasn’t paying attention when Dean stopped, causing him to crash into his back. Dean laughed, turning around and asked if Castiel was okay. Castiel nodded, not trusting himself to answer- the “dance floor” seemed to be really crowded, bodies gyrating onto each other, hands touching other hands, the smell of sweat and perspiration filling the air around them.
Sam walked up to them, Gabriel close behind. Two solo cups filled his hands, most likely filled with beer.
“Hey! How you liken’ it so far, Sassy Cassie?” Gabriel shouted above the loud music. Castiel furrowed his brows. Since when has Gabriel ever called him that?
“Sassy Cassy, really babe?” Sam rolled his eyes, handing both Dean and Castiel one of the cups that he was holding. Castiel brought the rim up to his nose and sniffed, and he was correct- it was definitely some sort of beer. He took a sip, scrunching his nose up at the taste. Sam laughed at something, Castiel didn’t catch what it was, but when he looked back up, Gabriel was doing a dance involving moving his arms up and down and wiggling his hips.
“Nice dance, Gabe!” Someone shouted from behind Castiel, making him jump. Dean grinned, pulling Castiel closer towards him, wrapping his arm around Castiel’s shoulders.
“May I have this dance?” Dean murmured into Castiel’s ear. Castiel shivered at how close Dean was.
“Yes you may, kind sir.” He grabbed the cup out his Dean’s hands and gave his own cup and Dean’s cup to Sam, ignoring the questioning look Sam gave them.
It was easy enough dancing with Dean. They somehow knew how to move just right around each other, and with the alcohol already getting to Castiel’s mind and impairing his thoughts, he didn’t care that he was grinding up against Dean’s body, he didn’t care that girls were glaring at Castiel because they wanted to dance with Dean, and he definitely didn’t care when Dean started a kiss between them.
Their lips were molded into one as Castiel pressed himself onto Dean, feeling the slight bulge in Dean’s jeans. He still didn’t care. All that mattered was the fact that he and Dean were kissing. And it felt good.
Castiel was leaning onto Dean’s chest, the two of them sitting on the floor, Sam and Gabriel sitting opposite sides of them. Everyone had left already, considering it was four in the morning and they would all have hangovers when they woke up. Majority of them called other friends or walked to the campus, which wasn’t too far. It was just the four of them sitting in a circle, playing a game that Castiel had never heard of before.
“Okay, am I… human?” Sam asked. Gabriel nodded his head, looking up at the post-it note that was sticking to Sam’s forehead. “Am I a male?”
“Nope! My turn… okay, am I an animal?” Gabriel asked, a smile wide on his face. Sam shook his head no, grinning at the post-it note on Gabriel’s forehead. “Fuck. Can I have another turn? Please babe?”
“Nope! Rules are rules, Gabe!” Sam chirped.
Castiel felt his phone vibrate. His hands dug into the pocket of his jeans and he pulled his phone out. Castiel furrowed his eyebrows when he saw that he had a message from someone unknown.
Dean peered over Castiel’s shoulder as he opened the message.
Unknown number: hey Cas! It’s Charlie, and I was sorta wondering if you wanted to meet up. Haven’t seen you in a while. Let me know if that’ll work or not!
Castiel grinned. His old best friend.
Castiel: Yeah, I’d love to meet up for lunch or something like that tomorrow. How’s one work?
Castiel saw that she was typing, and leaned back into Dean’s embrace, the warmth feeling like a blanket wrapped around him.
Unknown: okay, sounds good! I’ll see you tomorrow, Cas.
Castiel smiled, changing the contact name to “Charles” and then put his phone back into his pocket. Dean ran his fingers up and down Castiel’s thigh, the tingles distracting him from the competitive game going on in front of them between Sam and Gabriel.
“Who was that?” Dean whispered so that only he could hear.
“My old best friend.” Castiel paused, a smirk raiding his lips. “Why? Are you jealous?”
“Me? Jealous? You wish, lover boy!” Dean laughed, his chest vibrating from the movement, making Castiel want to lean into Dean’s chest even more. Dean grabbed Castiel’s hands, intertwining their fingers. “Wanna go outside and watch the stars?”
Castiel grinned and jumped up. He pulled Dean up and gave Sam and Gabriel a brief explanation of where they were going.
“We can sit on the roof if you want,” Dean said, pointing to the stairs that lead to the rooms he hadn’t seen yet. Castiel nodded enthusiastically, just wanting to be outside and stare at the stars with someone he enjoys being around. Dean smiled, leading him up the stairs, hand in hand.
When Dean opened the door that lead to his room, Castiel was slightly shocked to see everything in order and seemingly clean. He looked at a few of the books and magazines on the bookshelves. He spotted a brightly colored neon magazine that had a naked woman on the front cover. He rolled his eyes.
“You don’t even try to hide your porn collection?” Castiel raised an eyebrow, a smirk growing on his lips. Dean’s cheeks turned a bright shade of red.
“It wasn’t an issue when I lived here. Nobody ever came into my room.” Dean muttered while opening the window and climbing through it. Castiel grabbed one of the blankets off of Dean’s old bed and carried it with him out onto the roof.
“Nice out here, huh?” Dean smiled, spreading the blanket for them to lay on. Castiel sat down, stretching his legs out in front of him as Dean wrapped his arms around Castiel’s body. “I’m glad I met you, Cas.”
“Mm, yeah, me too.” Castiel whispered, staring up at the stars. He could see a few constellations just from the few seconds he was looking. Dean sighed, laying his head on top of Castiel’s.
A few minutes of silence passed, the only sounds being their breathing.
“Hey Cas?” Dean questioned, his hands rubbing circles into Castiel’s thigh. It brought little tingles up Castiel’s spine at the feeling of Dean’s hands on him. Castiel nodded, encouraging Dean to continue. “What are we?”
Castiel froze at the question, he knew it was bound to come sooner or later, he was just hoping it would be later. He didn’t know how to answer Dean, so he just turned to face him.
“I… I don’t know, Dean.” Castiel whispered, pressing his forehead against Dean’s. “I don’t know what this is, but I don’t want it to end.”
Dean nodded, a soft smile forming on his lips. “I don’t know if this is a good time to ask or not, but do you think we could maybe… I don’t know… be something more than whatever we are now? Like maybe a couple? If not, I completely understand, I wouldn’t want to date me either. I mean, I talk a lot and I can be a jerk at times, and it’s totally cool if you’d rather just stay friends. I wouldn’t be mad or anythi-” Castiel cut him off with his lips.
Dean visibly relaxed at the kiss, Castiel’s lips seeming to do magic in one swift move. Castiel moved onto Dean’s lap, wrapping his legs around his waist, not breaking the kiss. Dean’s hands were set on Castiel’s waist, pulling him impossibly closer to his body. It felt as if there was too much space between them even though all the space was occupied.
Castiel pushed his tongue into Dean’s mouth, he began exploring every crevice in his mouth, tasting the sweetness. Dean’s hands travelled up to Castiel’s hair, tugging slightly, pulling soft and quiet groans from Castiel’s lips. Dean took the shot and pressed his tongue in Castiel’s mouth, lifting Castiel higher onto his lap. Castiel moved his hands to be behind Dean’s neck, caressing the soft skin there.
It could have been seconds, minutes, or even hours before they finally pulled away. Castiel didn’t know how long it was, nor did he really care. Dean’s eyes held so much in them, the green being illuminated by the moon and the stars shining above them. Castiel could see the freckles dotted all along his face, he ran his thumb across Dean’s cheeks, the skin being flushed pink. He could see all of the layers in Dean’s eyes, the plumpness of his lips, the scruff beginning to show along Dean’s jaw, the redness of his lips. Castiel could see every little detail on Dean, and he absolutely adored it.
“I take that as a yes?” Dean questioned, a smile growing on his lips. Castiel smiled back.
“Yes. I’d love to be your boyfriend.”
Light was beginning to peek through the blinds, and although Dean knew he should probably wake Castiel up so that they could head back to their own houses, or in Dean’s case- his dorm room. Dean couldn’t will himself to wake up Castiel, not yet anyway. He looked too beautiful asleep. It wouldn’t hurt to just relax for a little longer.
Castiel mumbled incoherently, his lips tickling Dean’s chest. Dean rubbed his back, gently pulling Castiel back. A soft sigh escaped Castiel’s lips, the breath of air brushing against Dean’s chest. It was comforting to see Castiel so at ease and calm, his eyes shut gently, hair swept across his forehead, his cheeks had a tinge of pink. Dean could almost taste the sweet smelling shampoo Castiel uses. Every detail seemed to be so much more larger and beautiful up close. Dean didn’t want the moment to end.
For the first time in a long time, it felt as if Dean could breathe. He realized just how refreshing the air was, each intake of breath seeming so clean and pure around Castiel.
It was then that Dean knew. It would have to take a thousand bullets before Dean stopped caring for Castiel, and even then, he would find a way to get back to him. It was a feeling he hadn’t felt in a long time, and it scared him.
It wasn’t just happiness. It wasn’t just lust. It wasn’t just a crush. No, it was a lot more than anything that he thought he could ever experience again. Why it was with Castiel, Dean had no idea. It was unexplainable just how hard and fast and deep he had fallen for this one man.
He knew he was falling in love with Castiel more and more with each passing second. And he didn’t want it to end.
Castiel sat up, his breathing steady and calm for once. Realization hit him and he felt the soft and warm arms wrapped around his body, enclosing him into a gentle embrace.
Dean stayed. Of course, it would have been awkward if Castiel were to wake up in Dean’s old room by himself, especially considering the fact that they just confessed their feelings for each other the night before. The more Castiel thought about it, the more he realized that it was stupid of him to think that Dean would have left him.
Castiel smiled, leaning back into Dean’s welcoming arms, the warmth instantly fighting off the coldness of the room. Dean’s face pressed into Castiel’s neck, his soft and steady breaths tickling the skin. Castiel twisted around so that he could face Dean.
Even in the dimly lit room, Castiel could see the constellation of freckles dotted all over Dean’s face, each little pinprick looking just as beautiful as the ones surrounding it. Castiel could see the flushed tone of pink skin on Dean’s cheeks. He could see the furrow of his brows every once in a while. He could see the rise of his chest every few seconds with each breath he took.
He could see all of the beauty encaptured in this one person he had the luck of dating.
“Mm, staring is quite the stalker type, Cassie,” Dean inquired, his voice raspy. Castiel felt his insides become buttery, he wanted to hear that every morning when he woke up. Dean peered through half-opened eyelids, his smirk showing that he had been awake the entire time Castiel was admiring him.
“Haha, very funny Dean. Although, how would you have known unless you were pretending to be asleep. Therefore, you are also a stalker.” Castiel retorted, a smirk covering his lips. Dean opened his eyes fully, drawing Castiel in with the emerald green orbs.
“That makes no sense,” Dean said, sitting up and crossing his legs. Castiel rolled his eyes, not wanting to sit up just yet
“Of course it does. You’re just too simple minded to process it.” Castiel quirked. Dean grinned, moving his fingers along Castiel’s leg. Tiny little chills were sent up and down Castiel’s back at Dean’s soft touch.
Dean leant down, pressing his lips against Castiel’s forehead. “Mhmm, yep, ‘cause you’re just so smart.”
“Yep!” Castiel smiled widely. Castiel’s stomach gurgled loudly, causing the two of them to meet eyes. “I guess I’m hungry.”
Dean stood up, pulling Castiel up with him. A groan escaped Castiel’s lips at the thought of having to walk. He was too tired to do anything.
“Careful, or I’ll give you a reason to be groaning…” Dean smirked, leaving Castiel’s mouth agape. When Dean turned to look back at Castiel, a grin covered his lips at seeing him all flustered. “I, um, I’m sorry. I didn’t think. I completely forgot that I probably shouldn’t be joking about stuff like that considering your past. Please don’t be mad at me, it won’t happen again, I promi-”
Castiel cut him off by closing the gap between them. He crushed Dean’s lips with his own. It was a short kiss, only lasting for a few seconds before they pulled away.
“Like I said before, you talk to much Dean.” Castiel smiled softly, kissing Dean’s flushed pink cheek. He turned around, walking in front of Dean. “Besides, if you keep rambling so much, I may just have to find a way to keep you quiet.”
Dean’s mouth went slack and his eyes widened. He wanted so badly to keep rambling to see if Castiel would actually do something about it, but he knew that the chances were slim. Even if there was to be something like that to happen between the two of them, Dean would make sure it was worth it. Not over rambles.
When they went downstairs, Dean heard the sound of a blender and the TV on in the background. Sam and Gabriel were up.
“Mornin’ you two!” Sam chirped. The first thing Dean noticed was the dark purple hickey placed just above his collarbone. It stuck out above everything else. “How did you guys sleep?”
Castiel smiled, the small gesture distracting Dean. “We slept great, right Dean?” Castiel questioned, elbowing Dean in the ribs.
“Yeah. My room was great.” Dean grabbed Castiel’s hand and dragged him to the barstools. “Whatcha got for breakfast, Sammy?”
Sam pointed to the fridge and Dean groaned. He knew Sam, there would be nothing but healthy food in there. Dean wanted something sweet, something like pancakes.
“Wanna go out for breakfast, Cas?” Dean whispered in Castiel’s ear. Castiel nodded eagerly, reminding Dean of a little kid on Christmas morning. Dean kissed Castiel’s cheek, standing up to go grab his keys. “Okay, me and Cas are going to go get some breakfast for us two. See you losers later!”
Gabriel snorted. “Can you get me something?”
“Nope!” Castiel remarked, a wide grin overtaking his features. He looks beautiful, Dean thought to himself as he opened the front door and held it open for Castiel.
The outside air seemed a bit more chilly compared to the inside of Sam’s house. The leaves were rustling and the air felt crisp. Dean saw Castiel wrap his arms around himself.
“I have a jacket inside the car.”
“Okay, thanks,” Castiel said, opening the passenger door and climbing in. Dean climbed in on his side, watching Castiel grab his leather jacket sitting in the backseat. Dean started the Impala, the low rumble of the engine vibrating through him.
Castiel put on his seatbelt, staring at Dean, most likely waiting for Dean to put his on. Dean leaned his arm over and brought the seatbelt over his body, the leather pressing into his neck. He had never liked seatbelts.
The whole way to the diner, Dean kept thinking about what it would be like if they had a place of their own. Going home after a long day of their classes, waking up together each morning, cooking together, taking showers together if Castiel allowed it, watching cheesy scary movies together. Just doing everything together.
Was that too much to ask for?
The little bell that hung above Castiel’s head as they walked through the door rang loudly, the piercing sound echoing throughout the small building. Nostalgia. That was what this reminded Castiel of. With the stale stench of cleaning supplies blinded by the overwhelming smell of sizzling bacon, the alternating colors all along the walls, the small booths perfect for the two of them, the couples scattered here and there drinking from a milkshake with two straws. Yeah, Castiel could come here more often if it meant he could experience this feeling every time.
“Just for us two, please,” Dean’s voice sounded, pulling Castiel out of his thoughts. Castiel darted his eyes from booth to booth, making sure he didn’t see anyone he knew. It’s not that he was ashamed to be with Dean, it’s that he didn’t want to cause problems for Dean and his reputation; even the slightest tinge would make Castiel feel guilty for an eternity. Dean gently pulled Castiel to a booth covered in a fading yellow. As Castiel sat opposite of Dean, he could feel how the seat sunk just the slightest and the small cracks of the worn down booth was already beginning to press into his legs.
“Mm, whatcha thinkin’ about, Cas?” Dean questioned, flipping through the menu he was holding loosely in his hands. Castiel shrugged, not really knowing how to answer. Dean frowned slightly. “Are you okay?”
“Yeah, I guess just lost in my own thoughts. Sorry,” Castiel mumbled sheepishly.
“No, you’re good. I just didn’t know if I had done something, or if you were beginning to regret your choice of dating me.” Dean said, fingering around with a napkin. Castiel watched as the napkin effortlessly floated out of Dean’s hands when he twisted it a certain way.
A smile encased Castiel’s lips as he moved his hands across the worn down table with stains splashed here and there. His fingers intertwined with Dean’s, the warmth of Dean’s hands radiating off of him.
“No, I don’t regret it, Dean. I promise.” Castiel brought their hands up to his lips and pressed a soft and gently kiss onto Dean’s hand. A light pink covered Dean’s cheeks.
Castiel felt his phone vibrate in his pocket and he frowned. Of course, now that he and Dean were on a real date, someone was going to interrupt. Dean furrowed his eyebrows, most likely also questioning who it was. Castiel put in his password, clicking to his messages.
“Oh, it’s from Charlie!” Castiel said, a small smile beginning to showcase onto his lips.
Charlie- Heya, Cas! I just wanted to make sure we were still planning to meet up?
Castiel- Yep! How’s the cafe on 12th street?
While Charlie was typing, Castiel couldn’t help but think about how he just wanted to stay with Dean all day, even if it was to just take a long nap or watch a movie. But, because he had made plans with her, he would go through with them.
Charlie- yeah! I’ll see you there.
Castiel- Okay, great. See you there.
“At about one I’ll be at that small cafe on 12th street, so afterwards if you wanna do something, I’m willing to.” Castiel smiled, looking up at Dean.
“How about a movie?” Dean questioned, a smirk slowly making its way onto his gorgeous face. “That new horror movie seems good. Wanna see that?”
Castiel let out a dramatic breath, “you’re just wanting to get me to piss my pants, huh?” Dean let out a melodic laugh. It turned Castiel’s insides all to mush.
“Yep!” Dean gave Castiel a cheeky grin.
Castiel looked at his watch and saw it was a little past one already. He hoped a few minutes wouldn’t be too late, and knowing Charlie, it wouldn’t be a huge issue with her. She was probably late herself, Castiel chuckled to himself.
It had been a few years since he had seen her, so the idea of getting to see her today made him excited. Almost as excited as he was to get to see Dean again today, but not quite enough.
Castiel opened the cafe door, the instant smell of coffee hitting him. It filled his nostrils, the scent overpowering everything else. Castiel liked coffee, but it had to be black with a little bit of sweetner. Nothing more. Nothing less. He looked around the room for the red- headed girl, which wouldn’t be hard to spot, but naturally, he wasn’t able to find her.
Did he get the address correct, he questioned himself, looking out the window and seeing the “12th Street” sign hanging next to a stop light. Yeah, he got it right, so then Charlie was just late, no biggie, Castiel told himself.
“Hey Castiel. Long time no see.”
Castiel froze. No. It can’t be.
He slowly turned around, becoming face to face with him.
Dean stared at his phone, it was a little past one-fifteen, and the cafe meeting between Castiel and his friend Charlie wouldn’t take but about an hour long, at least that’s what Castiel told him. It had been only a minute before he had last looked at his phone; he was already missing Castiel. How sad was that? Just the idea of missing someone after they have only been gone for less than an hour made Dean cringe. He should be able to handle being separated from Castiel for a little bit.
And yet, the feeling that something wasn’t right would shake off of Dean. He tried taking a short shower, eating some food, watching some tv; he tried several things, and each time the feeling of something bad about to happen wouldn’t leave him.
It felt like an unsteady weight sitting on his chest, the anxiety that kept his mind reeling at every possible outcome that could happen while Castiel is meeting someone. What if he gets hurt? Or lost? What if the girl he is meeting tries to steal Castiel away from Dean? What if he gets into trouble? What if he’s not meeting who he thought he was meeting? What if he needs Dean when Dean’s not available? What if this. What if that. Every single outcome was running through Dean’s mind, and it made him wonder if this is what Castiel constantly feels like because of anxiety. Even the thought of Castiel experiencing anxiety like this made Dean’s stomach churn. Nobody should have to go through anxiety this bad, Dean thought to himself.
Dean checked his phone, one- twenty-two. Only forty minutes left to go. A sigh escaped Dean’s lips as he laid his head back against the couch. Forty minutes would feel like an eternity.
He was being too clingy and he knew it. Did he care? No.
Dean made a promise to himself to protect Castiel from anything and everything, so if something were to happen to him, he wouldn’t forgive himself anytime soon.
Castiel stared at the monster standing in front of him. No. This isn’t possible, he told himself. But it was. He pinched his side, counted each finger, and blinked hard. This wasn’t a nightmare he could wake up from.
The man he tried so hard to avoid all of his life was standing right in front of him. But how? How had he found him? How had he so effortlessly twisted Castiel around and tied those puppeteer strings back onto him? It shouldn’t have been possible, but it somehow was.
“Hi Castiel.” Metatron’s voice reminded Castiel of nails on a chalkboard, the noise making him want to steer away from all of this. “Did you miss me?”
Castiel froze again, refusing to look Metatron straight in the eyes. It wouldn’t have been any different than looking into a wolf’s eyes, the black and beady part of it making him nauseous. Don’t make eye contact, Castiel thought to himself.
“Don’t fret, Castiel, I just want to talk.” Metatron muttered, moving his hands to grab Castiel’s arm. Castiel still couldn’t move, being too terrified to even breathe loudly in his presence. Metatron dragged Castiel to the nearest table, acting nonchalant about the whole situation. As if he hadn’t abused or raped Castiel. As if he hadn’t fucked up Castiel’s entire life in just a single day. As if he had no responsibility in Castiel’s constant anxiety and fear of being touched. As if he wasn’t a monster.
“Oh, and don’t even try to scream for help- if you do, I have several people in here who know where your little Dean lives on campus. So, if I were you, I would just comply with me. Deal?” Metatron said, staring at Castiel with his black eyes that seemed so soulless. Castiel didn’t answer, didn’t nod his head, didn’t do anything, just stared at his hands, counting his fingers over and over again, trying to get pulled out of this hellish nightmare.
Only, he knew this wasn’t a nightmare he could wake up from. And that was the terrifying part.
“Let’s see here, how can I convince you to not scream?” Metatron questioned, bringing the rim of his cup to his mouth. Castiel didn’t answer, he refused to even look in Metatron’s direction. “Oh Cassie, I would look me in the eye if you want Dean to remain as safe and sound as he is right now.”
Castiel’s heart sunk to his stomach. He was going to have to look at Metatron, whether he liked it or not. With a sickening feeling rising in his throat, he turned slowly to look in Metatron’s beady eyes.
“Ah, there’s those pretty eyes!”
“Fuck off,” Castiel snarled, his voice seeming more deep and threatening than he felt. Even with his furrowed brows and darkened blue orbs, he was still terrified.
The worst part of all of this was the fact that nobody else knew that he wasn’t okay. Nobody in that cafe knew that his rapist was sitting right in front of him, and if Castiel were to cause a scene, Dean would be hurt. Castiel would have complied for just a random person on the street if it meant he would prevent them from getting hurt, so the idea of Metatron using Dean in this way made Castiel feel nauseous.
“Now, now, Castiel, I thought we talked about this. You play nice and Dean is safe and you get to walk out of here untouched. Are we clear?”
Castiel glared at Metatron, and if looks could kill, Metatron would have been six feet under by now. But that wasn’t the case. “Crystal.” Crystal fucking clear you major fucking douche, Castiel thought to himself.
“Okay! Great, now that we have that cleared up, shall we continue?” Metatron clasped his hands together, the slap of his palms making Castiel jump. “Perfect. Alright, so the reason I got you to come here is simple- I want to apologize.”
Castiel fought the urge to burst into laughter. Apologize? Metatron could apologize day and night, until his face is fucking blue- it wouldn’t change a thing. His entire life he felt as if he was stabbed continuous times in the back, and each time he had to stitch the wound back up on his own. He never had any help with what he went through. Apologies were out of the question. Nothing would ever replace the pain and fear that Castiel went through for all those years.
Castiel knew he had to play along with Metatron’s sickening game though. “Apologize?”
“Yes, well, apologize and other things.” Metatron said. “I actually need your help.”
“Out of the question.” Castiel fired, not even thinking twice about it. “I won’t help you with anything. In fact, I should report you right now.”
“Okay. Then don’t be surprised if Dean isn’t breathing once you go back to him…” Metatron smirked, the expression making him seem like a predator about to pounce on his prey.
Castiel didn’t answer. He knew he couldn’t hurt Dean.
“Castiel. You are running out of time. Will you help me and keep your precious Dean alive? Or will you disobey me and get him killed?”
“Okay…” Castiel wanted to throw up. “As long as you swear to keep Dean out of this, then I’ll… I’ll agree to help you.”
“It’s a deal then.”
At four in the afternoon, Dean had already called Castiel three times and texted five messages. Something didn’t feel right. Something was out of place, Dean just didn’t know what.
Sam. Sam would know what to do, Dean thought to himself. He pulled his phone out of his back pocket and called Sam.
It rang twice before Sam answered.
“Dean, hey, I thought you and Cas were coming back. What happened?”
“Something is wrong. I don’t know what yet, but something feels off.” Dean’s voice was wavering slightly, cracking at the end.
“Woah, okay. It’s okay. We’ll figure it out, just like we always do. I’m sure Cas is okay, maybe he just lost track of time. I mean, he did say he hadn’t seen his friend in a long time, so I wouldn’t worry about it.” Sam answered, his voice seeming overly calm compared to Dean’s. It still did nothing to reassure him though.
“Yeah, okay. Sorry to bother you, Sammy.” Dean mumbled weakly. Sam sighed on the other line.
“Okay, look. Trust your gut. Every time you have ever trusted your gut, you were always right. So, if you really think something is wrong, go to the cafe where they said they were meeting.” Sam said. That calmed Dean down, the idea of going to see if Castiel really was okay or not. “Just… don’t do anything stupid, okay?”
“Okay. Thanks, bitch.” Dean cracked a small smile.
Dean hung up, his hands slightly less shaky and his breaths seeming more steady. Castiel would be okay, and if he wasn’t, then Dean would make sure he was.
It didn’t matter that they only just started dating, it didn’t matter that they had only just met a while back ago, and it definitely didn’t matter that Dean was probably going to have to do something stupid.
If Castiel was hurt or not okay in anyway, Dean would make sure to fix it.
It felt strange to Castiel that he was being stared down by this man. A man he didn’t even know. But, it was part of the deal- don’t question Metatron’s motives, don’t disobey Metatron’s orders, and don’t tell Dean about Metatron’s big plan.
Castiel absolutely despised keeping this away from Dean, but he wouldn’t dare defy Metatron or the man in front of him. Not if it kept Dean safe. It felt like every breath Castiel took he was lying- it didn’t matter if he was just breathing in or if he was telling Dean he was going to the campus to study with a friend when in reality he was going to meet up with Metatron and do his dirty work, Castiel felt bad doing just about everything now.
“Walk.” The man’s voice snapped Castiel out of his thoughts, his heart thudding quickly against his ribcage. He could hear the loud pounding in his ears. Each step brought on a new wave of dread. A new wave of regret. A new wave of fear.
For the past two weeks, it has been like this- lying to Dean, being forced into things such as “pleasuring” Metatron, being Metatron’s personal maid (or slave, as Castiel liked to think of it), and hating himself. Don’t ask questions. Don’t do this. Don’t do that. There were now so many rules revolving around Castiel, it was beginning to get difficult to keep up.
The man yanked on Castiel’s collar, pulling him back. Castiel’s breath came out ragged and short, the fear beginning to show in his eyes, pupils dilated and eyes widened. He hoped it wasn’t obvious, Metatron wouldn’t enjoy seeing fear in Castiel’s eyes; it would lead to another beating, which would lead to more bruises, and then more lies to Dean.
Out of all the people Castiel has ever had to lie to, he found that Dean was the most difficult. It wasn’t that Dean was exceptionally good at telling when people are lying, it was that Castiel hated the fact that he was ruining their relationship by hiding all of the truths behind everything. He hated the fact that he could barely look in Dean’s eyes without feeling a sense of guilt overwhelm him. It didn’t stop there though; oh no, anytime Dean saw one of Castiel’s bruises, which wasn’t often, moreso when Castiel was just changing or getting ready for school in Dean’s dorm, Dean would always fire ten questions all at once towards Castiel as to why there are bruises on his body. “Oh, I just bumped into the door on the way out of one of my classes,” Castiel would lie. Or, “Gabe and I were playing around.” And Dean’s favorite lie, which he somehow believed, was when Castiel “fell off the bed in the middle of the night.”
Castiel had realized pretty quickly that it was fairly easy to get away with most of the lies, mainly because Dean trusted Castiel so much to the point where Castiel could say he was pregnant and Dean would take it serious on some levels. Castiel had also realized that at some point, his relationship would be terminated because of the whole situation. It didn’t stop Castiel though. He was determined to do whatever it takes to protect Dean, at whatever costs, at whatever outcomes. If it stopped Dean from getting hurt, he would do it. Castiel couldn’t have cared less if Metatron wanted him to steal a million dollars, he would do it in a heartbeat just because he knew that if he didn’t obey, Dean would be in danger.
It was then that Castiel realized that he was falling fast and hard for Dean. Just the idea of him robbing a bank to protect Dean made him scared. Scared of the fact that he would do anything for Dean’s benefit.
It was then that Castiel realized that this had to be stopped, because he can’t lose Dean. To lose Dean would mean losing everything he has. Castiel loved the man that was sleeping in his bed back at Castiel and Gabe’s house. He loved the man who seemed to only own flannels and hoodies and a leather jacket. He loved the man who had an unhealthy addiction to pie and burgers. He loved the man named Dean Winchester.
So Castiel did the unspeakable. The thing he had sworn to not do if it were to protect Dean. The thing that Metatron warned would get Dean hurt. But Castiel knew how to save someone’s life, he knew where the nearest hospital was if it was needed, and he knew that whatever the outcome, he would find a way to be with Dean.
Because Castiel knew that what he was being forced to do was just going to get worse.
So he turned around quickly, quick enough so that the man behind him didn’t see the fist that connected with his jaw. He didn’t see the kick that came to his knees and his gut. He didn’t see the knife that Castiel grabbed out of his hand and jabbed into his shoulder. He saw none of it coming, and it worked to Castiel’s advantage.
Bruises. That’s all that was coming to mind when Dean thought of Castiel. Not the blue-eyed boy with sex hair that seemed to stay fixed messily no matter how hard Castiel tried. Dean only thought of the bruises that seemed to always be littered across Castiel’s body.
At first he thought it may be Gabriel, but that wouldn’t be right- Gabriel was one of Castiel’s most trusted people (other than Dean, of course), and Gabriel absolutely adored Castiel. So no, it wasn’t Gabriel. Yeah, Dean may have left a hickey here or there while they made-out, but never anything more than a small little love bite. So the fact that bruises covered Castiel’s body scared Dean. Someone could be beating him. Or he could be cheating. Or he could just be extremely sensitive to the point where even the slightest bump of a wall leaves an enormous bruise.
Dean tried so hard to ignore the fact that Castiel was obviously lying, but it had become more and more difficult. He tried so hard to remember the blue eyes that seemed to always hold his attention effortlessly, but all he could think about was the blue and purple color of those damned bruises.
“I can’t do this anymore,” Dean muttered to himself, standing up and pulling his phone out of his back pocket. He scrolled through his contacts, finding Castiel’s name easily. Castiel had made Dean put a heart next to his name, and Dean made Castiel put a heart next to his; it was a cute gesture, so Dean allowed it, refusing to admit that it made his heart tingly and flutter. He pressed the call button next to Castiel’s name, his heart skipping beats at just the idea of talking to him.
This is crazy, Dean thought to himself, his heart shouldn’t be reacting to something that small so easily. In the span of less than several weeks, Dean had fallen so hard, so quickly, and even the thought of Castiel being hurt scared Dean to death. It seemed that every breath Castiel took made Dean love him even more, and while it sounded odd, Dean would continue to love Castiel more and more with every breath they took.
Dean leaned his head back against his shoulders, taking a deep breath in, a deep breath out. No matter what happened, Dean was going to do whatever he needed to make sure Castiel was safe.
Dean was now more worried than before, Castiel always answered by the second ring. It was sort of like a game between the two- whoever was to answer the phone when one of them called, they had to answer by the second ring. Whoever won, well they didn’t win anything except bragging rights, but it was still fun to the two of them.
Another deep breath in, deep breath out, Dean reminded himself. If something was wrong, Castiel would tell him.
Castiel ran… and ran… and ran. He thought that the pacer tests in elementary school were hellish, but this was pure torture. Every breath he took burned in his chest, his lungs stinging from the slight lack of air, his throat felt sore, and his mouth was dry. Maybe it was only a half mile, or maybe it was seven. Castiel didn’t know how long or how much he had been running, but it didn’t matter to him. As long as he was far away from the man and Metatron, he was okay with running. He wouldn’t care if he had to run forever, he couldn’t do it anymore.
Dean. Have to find Dean, Castiel reminded himself. Dean will know what to do, he’ll comfort Castiel and make everything okay, no matter how fucked up things were right now. So Castiel continued to run, even though his legs felt as if they were going to collapse and his heart felt like it was going to beat out of his chest.
One more mile, Castiel thought to himself, one more mile until he was the university. He knew Dean’s number like the back of his hand, but he had lost his phone somewhere along the way of his running, and he wasn’t worried about how he would get it back because he knew it was probably long gone by now.
He could see the university two minutes later, so he knew he was definitely a lot closer now. Just the university in sight made him sprint faster.
This was the fastest he had ever ran, and he had done cross country and track in middle school, so he knew how to run fast. But this? This seemed to be inhumane from how he wasn’t even focused on the pain jabbing in his side or the burning sensation throughout his entire body.
The only thought he was focused on was Dean. Dean. Dean. Dean.
Castiel was going to get to Dean. He had to.
He sprinted past groups of people holding papers and their bags, not even caring what they thought. Have to get to Dean, he told himself. It was like a chant inside his mind at this point.
Castiel opened the university doors, and ran to Dean’s room. He knew Dean wouldn’t be there, but there was a spare phone in there given to all of the students by the university. Castiel used the key Dean had given him for emergencies, and slammed the door open, not even bothering to close it.
People were staring at him from the hallway, but he didn’t care. Nothing else mattered except getting to Dean.
Castiel dialed Dean’s number on the spare phone, listened to it ring, and heard Dean pick up.
“Dean! I’m at the university, get here now!” Castiel yelled, not caring enough to lower his voice.
“Cas? Oh my fucking god. Where the hell have you been? I’ve been worried out of my mind. Are you okay?” Dean’s voice cracked at the end and Castiel knew he was crying. His heart still burned, but the thought of Dean crying because of Castiel made it sink.
Castiel let out a deep breath, “I’m so sorry, Dean, but there’s no time to explain. Just… just meet me here as soon as you’re able to.”
“Okay, I’m on my way.”
“I’m so fucking sorry Dean.” Castiel mumbled into the phone after Dean hung up. “I’m so sorry.”
It was then that Castiel sunk to his knees, feeling the pain from his run. But he mainly just felt the pain that he was about to cause Dean.
Dean had called the police as soon as he entered his dorm room. To his horror, Castiel was leaning against the wall, knees to his chin, crying and shaking. Dean didn’t hesitate to close the door and run to Castiel’s shattered body.
It took several minutes, but once Dean got Castiel to calm down, Castiel muttered something along the lines of “he’s coming,” which Dean had no idea what that meant. He wasn’t worried about whoever was coming at that moment, he was only worried about that Castiel had a bit of blood on his shirt and, knuckles were bruised and seemed to still be shaking slightly.
The dorm door opened, revealing two fully dressed policeman. Castiel started to hyperventilate again and Dean pulled Castiel into his lap, rubbing small circles on his back.
“Shh, it’s okay baby, they’re here to help. They’re not going to hurt you, I promise.” Dean whispered, not caring about the fact that Castiel was soaking his clothes with tears. He watched as one of the policeman with a name tag saying “Mason” walk over slowly. Even he didn’t want to upset Castiel even more than he already was, which Dean was grateful for.
“Hi, are you two Dean and Castiel?” Mason questioned. Dean nodded. “Okay, so what’s going on?”
Dean explained that he had gotten the phone call from Castiel to get here as quickly as possible, and that once he got to Castiel he could immediately tell that this wasn’t just one of his panic attacks and that it was much worse. He told them how he had seen the bruises and didn’t know where they kept coming from, how Castiel would be gone for a few hours each day and then come back with more bruises. He explained how they’ve been dating for a while now, and that they haven’t had sex yet, how Castiel was had a bad past with someone. He told them about how when Castiel somewhat came to his senses, he muttered “he’s coming”.
Castiel was still curled up in Dean’s lap, his legs wrapped around Dean’s waist while they were still sitting against the wall. Mason was taking notes on everything Dean said and seemed to be content on Castiel saying something, but Castiel wouldn’t budge.
“Castiel, baby, they’re here to help. I’ll be right here the whole time. They’re gonna fix all of this, okay, Cas?” Dean whispered to Castiel, tears brimming in his eyes at seeing him like this. It broke his heart.
“I’m sorry to say this, but you technically aren’t allowed to be in the room unless he gives verbal consent to it,” Mason said sheepishly, feeling bad about having to seperate them.
“Okay, um, Cas, I’m going to have to be outside in the hall for a little bit, okay, baby?” Dean said softly to Castiel as he gently lifted Castiel up and placed him next to Dean so that he would be able to go in the hallway.
“No!” Castiel whimpered loudly, gripping Dean’s hand as Dean stood up. Dean looked at Mason, a questioning glint in his eyes. “Please. Please, stay with me. Don’t leave.”
Mason nodded, allowing Dean to stay with Castiel. He sat back down on the floor, wrapping his arm around Castiel, pulling him closer in an attempt to calm Castiel down even the slightest bit.
“Okay, Castiel, do you feel up to telling us what happened?” Mason questioned gently.
Dean felt nauseous. He felt like he was actually about to throw up. Tears were streaming down both his and Castiel’s face at what Castiel was telling them.
He couldn’t take it anymore.
Dean stood up and ran into the bathroom, feeling the bile rise in his throat. He leaned over the toilet and felt his stomach lurch from throwing up.
Metatron was using Castiel. Castiel was being abused. He was forced to give Metatron blowjobs and handjobs. He was forced to do all of these things that no person should ever have to do. It was disgusting that Metatron was doing this.
Dean’s mind was reeling at all of the vile information he was given. His Castiel. His lover. His baby. His everything had been tortured and thrown in hell and Dean had no idea.
Castiel had calmed down a lot more in the past hour of him explaining everything, but Dean was anything but calm. He was pissed. Horrified. Terrified. If he was given the chance to, he would kill Metatron himself.
Dean looked in the mirror after he flushed the toilet, all he could see was a blurred version of himself. He was crying again, great. He wiped his mouth and washed his hands, splashing water on his face in a feeble attempt to stop the tears from flowing down his cheeks.
When he stepped out of the bathroom, Castiel peered up at him with those bright blue eyes and Dean broke down again.
It wasn’t fair that Castiel had to go through all of that. All of that to what? Protect Dean?
None of this was fair, and Dean was going to make sure Metatron got what he deserved.
It was now four in the morning and neither Castiel or Dean felt like sleeping. They sat in Dean’s bed and stared at nothing in particular, but they avoided the other’s eyes. Castiel had no intentions of talking about the entire situation, so he stayed silent. It seemed Dean didn’t want to talk either, which was most definitely fine with Castiel.
Castiel sighed, wanting to talk about something, anything but what needed to be talked about. The silence was deafening at this point.
Don’t do it, don’t say a word, Castiel told himself. It’s not worth it, he thought. Don’t do it.
“I’m sorry, Dean. I really am.” Castiel whispered, looking at Dean. Blue eyes met green.
“I know you are. I’m sorry too,” Dean whispered, taking Castiel’s hand gently.
“Dean, you have nothing to be sorry for, okay. You had no idea what was going on. I dragged you in, and I promise I’ll get you out of this hellish situation. God, I’m so fucking sorry, Dean.” Castiel felt tears brimmed in his eyes. He didn’t want to start crying again, but the tears came out anyway.
“Cas,” Dean mumbled, scooting over and pulling Castiel in his arms. “I’m not mad at you, Cas. I mean, obviously I wish you would have told me before it came to this, but I’m not mad.” Dean hesitated for a second, seeing the forlorn look in Castiel’s face made him hate himself even more for not knowing. “I think…”
Dean trailed off, not knowing how else to say it. It had already been a stressful night, and he didn’t want to stress Castiel out even more.
“You think we should break up, I understand. I should have seen this coming.” Castiel blurted out as Dean opened his mouth to tell Castiel what he needed to. Shock clouded Dean’s eyes as he stared at Castiel for what felt like forever. He fought the urge to laugh. Break up?
“Cas, no-” Dean started.
“No, I completely understand. I mean, I lied to you so many fucking times. I had to do those things for Met…” Castiel paused, and Dean knew why- he didn’t even want to think of the name, so obviously Castiel didn’t want to talk about it. “I was forced to do those things for him and I just… I don’t know. But I do know one thing, you deserve someone better than me Dean.”
“But I don’t want anyone else, Castiel.” It felt foreign to actually say Castiel’s full name, like a different language Dean was trying to speak. He knew Castiel realized he was being serious though, the blue irises widened as Castiel stared at Dean. Tears began to blur Dean’s eyesight. He hated crying, but it didn’t matter right now.
“Dean, I lied to you! I went behind your back! And no, I don’t want to break up with you, but I do think that we should talk about this!” Castiel’s voice sounded a lot louder than it typically was. He wasn’t yelling, but he was definitely trying to get a point across.
“Well, tough luck. Nothing has changed how I see you because I am in love with you, Cas!” Dean’s throat hurt, and he didn’t know if it was because he was yelling or because there was a lump that he couldn’t swallow down. Either way, it made him uncomfortable and he wanted this to all just stop. None of this was fair to either of them, and he knew it. “Cas, I fucking love you, and if you think something like this will change that, then I got news for you- nothing will! Okay? And yeah, maybe I am head over heels about you, and maybe it is a little too soon, but I don’t care. I realized I was in love with you and I was terrified but so fucking happy. I don’t care that he made you lie or that you had to do those things. You were forced to do it. You didn’t do it by will, and don’t even try and say that you had a choice because I know for a fact that you didn’t. I also know you, and I know that you wouldn’t do that if you had a choice.”
Castiel didn’t answer, his mouth agape at what Dean had just blurted out.
“I said it. I’m in love with you, Castiel,” Dean whispered, scared that he had gone too far and pushed Castiel even further away.
Castiel didn’t know how to respond. He knew he was in love with Dean. But he didn’t deserve Dean. Anybody but him deserved Dean.
And yet, somehow he found himself lunging on top of Dean.
Their lips collided with such force, Castiel was surprised he didn’t taste blood. All he tasted was the sweetness of Dean. It was obvious that Dean was taken by surprise, given the fact he didn’t respond until Castiel grabbed his hands and interlocked their fingers. Then he responded.
Dean’s hands felt soft against Castiel’s, which surprised him; someone like Dean wouldn’t have soft and feather like fingers. But he did.
Castiel opened his lips slightly, allowing Dean’s tongue to explore every crevice of his mouth. Dean unclasped their bound hands and travelled them down Castiel’s back, landing on his ass and pulling him onto his lap. It was comforting to be in the arms and lap of Dean, the warmth and firmness surrounding him. Castiel moved his hands to Dean’s hair, pulling and tugging in different places. Each tug and each pull got a groan from Dean. It was like pure Heaven to be able to touch and kiss Dean without the fear of someone hurting him. The police were going to take care of the entirety of the situation, so there was no reason to be scared.
And he wasn’t scared.
The person who raped him was going to be locked away in prison soon, the people who threatened to hurt him and Dean were going to be forced to leave them alone, and Castiel could finally breathe.
“Dean…” Castiel murmured against Dean’s neck, letting his lips move across the smooth skin. Dean tightened his grip on Castiel so that there was a soft pressure on his hips. “Dean, I want you to touch me.”
Castiel frowned as he felt Dean pull away from him, confused as to why he stopped. Castiel could see the uneasiness in Dean’s eyes, the green clouded not only with lust and admiration, but concern. Things were taken care of, so why is Dean hesitating?
“Dean, touch me, please. I want to feel you touch me…” Castiel whispered, squirming under Dean’s intense gaze. His hips brushed against Dean’s crotch, and the sharp intake of breath took both Castiel and Dean by surprise. Dean still did not move. “Dean?”
“Cas, baby, you know I want to. God, I really do fucking want to, but not tonight, okay? Once all of this clears up, I’ll touch you however you want me to, and if you don’t want me to then, I won’t. But I really think we should wait, at least for a few more days before… before we continue to that. Okay, baby?” Dean’s voice was calming to Castiel. It made sense as to why they should wait, but Castiel just wanted to feel loved. Was that too much to ask for?
Before Castiel could realize what was happening, Dean shifted into a less complex position and gently lulled Castiel into his arms. A drop of water slid into Castiel’s mouth, tasting slightly salty. Was he crying? Why is he crying? Dean wiped Castiel’s eyes, lifting his chin so that they were facing each other and Castiel couldn’t hide into Dean’s shirt like he so badly wanted to.
“I’m...I’m so sorry, Dean…” Castiel croaked out after a few minutes of crying. His voice was more scratchier than normal and his throat hurt, and no matter how many times he swallowed, he couldn’t get the lump in his throat to go away. He hated crying.
“Shh, it’s okay. I’m not mad at you, baby. Do I seem mad?” Dean whispered, rubbing Castiel’s back gently. His chin was now pressed on top of Castiel’s head. Castiel shook his head, sniffling, feeling more tears slide down his cheeks. “I swear to you, I’m not mad, nor am I upset, or disappointed, or anything. I’m just happy you’re okay, I promise.”
“Okay,” Castiel murmured, burying his face into Dean’s chest.
His eyes were beginning to feel heavy, the slight burning sensation from crying beginning to disappear as he closed his eyes. Deep breath in, deep breath out.
It was safe to fall asleep, and he knew that. So he let himself fall into a peaceful slumber, not hearing the soft words Dean had whispered.
“I love you, Cas.”
It was raining, and nobody knew it, but Dean despised the rain. It made him feel all muggy and sticky. The feeling of rain dripping down his back and into his eyes from his hair made him feel uncomfortable. And it would be impossibly wrong to ignore the fact that he felt anxious even at just the thought of rain.
So the fact that he and Castiel were dancing outside in the rain amazed him.
“Dean, please? I promise we won’t have to ever again… maybe… but please?” Castiel had begged and begged- and Dean had finally agreed. And now? They were swaying to some sappy love song that Dean had never heard of, but they were both smiling.
The rain seemed like nothing compared to the beautiful smile plastered onto Castiel’s face. His eyes were lit up like a thousand fireworks and Dean’s heart was pounding so hard he felt as if he could feel it in his head.
Dean knew the rain was going to either make him sick with a cold later or cause him to get nervous, but that was pushed all the way to the back of his mind as he twirled Castiel in his arms. Laughter poured from Castiel’s lips, the noise bringing a grin to Dean’s face.
Dean also knew that Castiel had no idea of what he had said the other night, that he had no idea Dean had confessed he was in love.
And Dean was okay with that. Was he ready to actually be saying those three little words as often as he knew he would have to? Hell no. Was he going to deny it until he felt that he was ready, even if that was months later? Hell yes. Will he regret it in the long run? Well, he didn’t know for sure, but given how awful his love life typically is, it would most likely be a yes.
Dean ignored the gnawing feeling in the pit of his stomach and pushed down those thoughts. Right now, he had this moment. This beautiful moment of getting to dance with Castiel, twirling and swaying around to the song that Castiel was determined to listen to and sing to Dean. “Chasing Cars” by Snow Patrol was apparently his favorite song, and Dean hated to admit it, but he was beginning to love it as well. The beat of the tempo, the soft melodies, the lyrics that spoke to him and seemed to remind him of Castiel, and the beauty of Castiel softly singing in Dean’s ear as they were flush together.
“Dean, if you wanna go inside, we can.” Castiel’s voice seemed quiet compared to the rain pitter-pattering on the sidewalk they were dancing on.
Dean didn’t answer, only pressed his lips onto Castiel’s, tasting the saltiness of the rain and the sweetness of Castiel. He pushed his tongue into Cas’ lips, running it along his bottom lip. Castiel moved his hand to Dean’s hair, tugging ever so slightly, softly enough so that it didn’t hurt at all, but hard enough so that it was firm and showed that Castiel wanted to continue. Well, at least that’s what Dean figured, and Dean knew that the second Castiel didn’t want to do something, he would immediately stop. Perhaps this would be a chance for them to get slightly more intimate.
And Dean knew that having sex was most definately off of the charts at least for another few months, or until Castiel felt ready to do that, and even then Dean would still be extremely careful to not overwhelm him and would be gentle enough so that it wouldn’t hurt the slightest bit.
But a warm shower or bath together, to be able to wash each other’s hair and kiss under warm water instead of the cold rain, to be able to caress each other and feel each other’s warmth. That’s what Dean wanted, so he was going to take a chance, even though he knew that the possibility of that actually happening was slim to none.
“You wanna go inside, maybe take a shower and get warmed up?” Dean questioned quietly, not wanting to pressure Castiel into doing anything he didn’t want to do.
Castiel smiled against Dean’s chest and nodded, pulling away from Dean rather quickly. Dean could physically feel the warmth of Castiel’s body being pulled away from him, but he knew that within a few minutes or so, they would be back in his dorm room, and possibly kissing under the steaming shower water.
A boy can dream though, Dean thought as he walked hand in hand with Castiel up to his room.
It was fairly simple to realize what Dean wanted, and as much as Castiel was scared to admit it, he wanted it as well. Shower or no shower, one way or another, they were going to end up swaddled up together in bed. It didn’t take a genius to realize that, but apparently it took a genius to be able to speak properly with Dean.
“Dean, are we...um… are we showering together?” Castiel murmured against Dean’s back while he was opening the door to his dorm room. Castiel could feel his heart pounding against his chest. Dean froze, not moving or breathing. Castiel didn’t know if that was a good sign or a bad sign.
“Cas, it’s, uh… it’s up to you.” Dean gently pulled Castiel into the room, switching the light on, momentarily blinding Castiel. “All of this? It’s up to you, Cas.”
Castiel turned around to close the door, trying to ignore the rapidly growing beat of his heart. If he chose to turn around and do this with Dean, things could spiral out of hand and he could freak out. Or things could work perfectly in their favor and everything would go beautifully. If.
But Castiel knew Dean wouldn’t do anything if he said to stop, so there were worries there. But was Castiel actually ready?
That was the million dollar question. If he had a million dollar answer, everything would be perfect.
Castiel breathed in deeply before turning around to face Dean. In the short time span of three seconds, it seemed that Dean had gotten immensely closer to where Castiel was standing, so close the air between them was limited. Castiel breathed out.
He could do this. And worse case scenario, they stop and talk about it. Best case scenario, he doesn’t break down or have another panic attack.
So Castiel stood on his toes and crashed his lips into Dean’s, clearly taking Dean by surprise. What if Dean didn’t want this?
Castiel pulled away, not wanting to push Dean into something if he didn’t want it.
“What?” Dean whispered quietly, as if speaking too loudly would ruin the moment. Castiel looked up to meet his eyes, blue meeting green. He could see the small golden flecks mixed with the emerald green color, creating the most beautiful pair of eyes Castiel had ever seen, and probably would ever see. When Dean’s bottom lip stuck out ever so slightly, Castiel knew why- Dean wanted this just as much as he did, if not more. Dean whispered again, “we can stop if you want.”
But Castiel didn’t want to stop. So he didn’t
Somehow, someway, Castiel pushed Dean into the bathroom that had barely enough space for the two of them, but he didn’t mind. When he closed the door, Dean was already moving to take off his shirt, revealing his tanned skin and toned stomach. It wasn’t a rock hard six pack, but it was definitely obvious Dean worked out. Normally, Castiel would have felt too shy to be undressed in front of someone, but he didn’t care. Not right now. He moved his hands to peel off his sopping wet t-shirt, the cool air air brushing over his skin. The look in Dean’s eyes gave it all away- he wasn’t disappointed with how Castiel looked, which did a large number in Castiel’s confidence.
Dean took a small step towards Castiel, seeming slightly timid, almost as if he didn’t want to scare Castiel, which he thought was stupid, because Castiel was sure he wanted this. Otherwise, he wouldn’t have gone this far.
Castiel lunged into Dean’s body, wrapping his arms around his torso, feeling the instant warmth wash over him from Dean’s soft and toned body. He could feel Dean’s member pressing up against his thigh, and he figured Dean could probably feel his own member as well. Dean leaned down, pressing his lips to Castiel’s, and the sweetness of his mouth overtook him. Every lick, every bite, every movement, everything just felt so good to Castiel.
Dean’s hands traveled down to Castiel’s ass, lifting him up ever so gently onto the counter so that he wouldn’t have to stand on his tippy-toes, which definitely made things easier. Even though Castiel’s eyes were closed, he felt as if he could see all of the colors. No, he felt as if he could practically hear the colors at this point, with all of the pure bliss streaming through his veins.
He trusted this man, and he knew he was in love with Dean, so why hide it anymore?
Castiel wrapped his legs around Dean’s waist, pulling Dean closer, closer than he thought possible at this point. If this is what it felt like to be intimate with someone, then he wanted this to last forever. Dean’s hands traveled all along Castiel’s torso, stopping at his waistband and lingering for a moment, and then going back to trailing his fingertips up and down the soft skin. Castiel’s heart was beating erratically fast, but he didn’t care.
“Cas, do you want this?” Dean whispered next to his ear, the voice sending chills down Castiel’s spine. “We can stop if you want to…”
“I want this, Dean.” Castiel couldn’t stop the smile from forming on his lips as he saw Dean’s face. It was a mixture of pure love and admiration. Well, that and shock. “I don’t want to wait anymore. I don’t want to let him control my life anymore. I want you, Dean. It’s been you this entire time.”
Dean didn’t respond, just turned around and turned on the water in the tub. Castiel stayed put on the counter, not knowing what to do. Should he get down and start undressing? Or should he wait until Dean undressed as well?
It became painfully obvious that Castiel had no idea how to do this, but Dean would know what to do, right?
Dean turned around and took a step towards Castiel, which was all he needed to take because of how small the bathroom was, but neither of them minded. Castiel blushed as he realized that he was going to be naked in front of Dean, but he also knew that if anyone were to judge him, it wouldn’t be Dean.
The room started to feel warm and steamy from the hot water streaming from the shower head. Dean unbuttoned his pants, and Castiel watched as he pulled them down and let them hit the floor. Oddly enough, it turned Castiel on even more. He stepped down from the counter and took his pants off as well, enjoying the longing looks he was getting from Dean. It made him feel more wanted than he had ever felt.
Hi lovelies, sorry this chapter is a little shorter than my other ones. Hope it wasn't too bad.
I love you guys!!!
Dean was appalled, and not at just the perfect view in front of him, but also at the fact that he was even allowed to see the perfect view. The body of a greek god was what Castiel had. No, the body of a fucking angel. An angel seemed more fit for Castiel.
And when Castiel said, “I want you, Dean. It’s been you this entire time.” The effect on Dean those two little sentences did, well, it did more than just prove he was turned on. It seemed his heart had decided to take the initiative and beat impossibly fast.
Badum. Badum. Badum.
His heart now had a mind of its own, not that he cared, but he wouldn’t be surprised if Castiel could hear the beating of it as well.
Dean could see every little scar, a few freckles dotted here and there, and the beauty and wholeness of Castiel standing in front of him. Those blue eyes pierced into his, making Dean feel dissected, as if he was being torn open and examined from the inside out by this man. He didn’t mind though. Oh no, the look that Castiel was giving him made everything more and more thrilling. Like going up a roller coaster, that’s what this entire moment reminded Dean of.
It didn’t take a genius to know that roller coasters and Dean went together like milk and cookies.
Castiel’s hands seemed to have a mind of their own, travelling all over Dean’s body. When Castiel’s hands got there? Dean didn’t know, but he most certainly didn’t mind. Every long and thin finger trailed a path of fire along Dean’s chest and stomach, and Dean wondered if it was possible to actually die from an increased heartbeat because of arousal. When Castiel stopped his trailing, Dean realized why- he didn’t know what to do, did he?
“We can, um, we can stop if you want us to…” Dean’s voice came out barely above a whisper. Castiel peered up at Dean through those long eyelashes, the innocence and peace swirled in those blue irises making it seemingly difficult for Dean to want to stop if Castiel said so, but he would if he had to. No matter how difficult it seemed. Castiel dropped to his knees.
“Maybe I don’t wanna stop,” Castiel smirked, placing one hand on each side of Dean’s waist. Castiel nuzzled Dean’s stomach, placing a soft stomach just below his belly button. Dean sucked in a breath. “Maybe I wanna do this with you. Maybe I wanna give you my everything without worrying about what’s to come.”
This is it. This is what kills Dean Winchester. Something so small and simple yet so powerful and complacid made Dean question if he deserved Castiel. He knew the answer to that question immediately. Nobody deserves Castiel. But Castiel deserves everything and more. And if that’s what Castiel wanted, Dean would give it to him.
Dean would kiss Castiel in all of the right places. He would hold him gently and be sure to not go too hard. He would let Castiel control everything in these moments. He would trail his fingers down Castiel’s back. He would map every freckle that Castiel had hidden on his body, even if it was only two or three. He would make sure that afterwards Castiel wasn’t in pain and that he still felt safe and okay. He would draw a bath and pour epsom salt in it if needed. He would trace shapes on Castiel’s stomach and back afterwards when they are both tired and out of breath or trying to sleep. He wouldn’t just have sex with Castiel.
He would make love with him.
Dean stared at the image in front of him- Castiel on his knees and beginning to tug Dean’s boxers down with his fucking teeth. If there was such thing as heaven, this would be it. The steam from the shower made the room foggy and slightly difficult to see around him. Castiel took his time with pulling Dean’s boxers down. And while Dean wasn’t complaining about it, he wanted to give Cas some pleasure before anything. Dean pulled Castiel up and back to his feet and stepped into the stream of water, gently pulling Castiel in with him.
The water splashed off of their skin, stinging slightly. It comforted him though, the soft burn of the cascading water. Castiel lifted his head and let the water slide from his hair down to his back. Dean wished he could take a picture of this to keep it forever.
Castiel turned to face Dean, his hair flopped across his forehead. Dean lifted a hand to swipe the hair out of Castiel’s eyes, and when he did, his hand lingered there. Dean could see the blush rising onto Castiel’s cheeks, the pink standing out against the soft skin. His eyes burned into Dean, the blue meeting green. The green meeting blue.
This is it, Dean thought as Castiel crashed their lips together.
No man has ever had the chance to meet, let alone have this moment, with some angel such as Castiel. No man has ever had the chance to meet someone this amazing and beautiful. No man has ever had the chance to fall in love like how Dean is with Castiel.
Castiel breathed in the scent of Dean, tasted the sweetness of him, saw the beautiful green eyes staring right back at him.
Yeah, he didn’t know what to do or how to do this, but it was easy to pretend he did. It was easy to just let himself go, to act as if he knew what he was doing. Dean was practically shaking with anticipation as Castiel dropped to his knees again.
Castiel could feel every single water droplet that skimmed across his back. While the little droplets stung slightly, Castiel was more focused on the flesh in front of him. He could practically taste the musky scent, Dean’s manhood hanging in front of his face distracting him from anything and everything else.
Dean sucked in a large breath, clearly not expecting Castiel to do what he did.
Castiel took Dean in his mouth, the plumpness of his dick a soft weight in Castiel’s mouth. He could taste a slight bit of salt. With every breath he took, he could only smell Dean’s musk. Castiel had no idea how to do this, but Dean seemed to be enjoying himself, so it eased his anxieties.
“Cas… oh god, fuck where did you learn how to do this?” Dean rambled, using the shower wall to hold him up. Castiel swirled his tongue over the head, not knowing himself how he knew to do this. Dean took in a harsh breath, canting his hips up slightly.
Castiel hummed slightly, the soft vibrations sending Dean into a frenzy. It was odd, seeing Dean this way- so exposed and open, showing his beauty and everything to Castiel. It was calming though, knowing that he effected Dean this way.
“Fuck baby, I didn’t think I’d cum this fast,” Dean’s voice sent ripples down Castiel’s spine. It was deep and strangely dark, sort of sounding husky. Either way, it urged Castiel to hum again, longer this time, in an attempt to get Dean in another frenzy. “Oh. Oh God!”
Castiel didn’t really know how to handle someone moaning because of him. He was definitely proud though. He got Dean to moan. Add that to the list of things he didn’t think he could ever do but did anyway. Hell, add that to the list of things to do again. And again. And again, and again, until there was nothing left but sharp intakes of breaths and whimpers. Castiel wanted to hear Dean moan again.
And so he stopped.
Dean opened his eyes, frowning slightly. Castiel couldn’t help the smirk that overcame his lips. He had Dean captured in his little plan. Dean’s eyes were still a dark emerald green, just as beautiful as always, but there was something else in his orbs. Castiel couldn’t decipher if it was lust or love.
Perhaps it was both.
“Cas?” Dean’s voice was no longer husky. Instead, it was now soft and gentle, it had a sense of concern in it, but Castiel ignored that. He was more focused on making Dean more turned on. “Should we… should we stop? Are you okay?”
“Yes Dean, I’m okay. I just, well, I had an idea.” Castiel’s voice sounded raw, even to him. His throat didn’t hurt, but it most likely would if he did what he wanted to do with Dean. “I just want to make sure you’re okay with it.”
A smile enveloped over Dean’s perfectly plump lips, sending Castiel’s heart into a fast-paced rhythm. “I’m all yours, baby.”
Castiel didn’t hesitate to go back to the unattended member hanging in front of him. He placed one hand behind Dean’s ass, cupping the soft skin there. His lips seemed to fit perfectly around Dean’s shaft, and each time he lifted his mouth from it, his lips popped into an “o” shape.
Dean’s hands went into Castiel’s hair, and Castiel could feel each tug and pull as if it was something he had never felt before- and it felt almost ethereal. He could feel the hot and heavy weight on his tongue, going dangerously close to the back of his throat. He could feel the water sliding down his back and plopping onto the shower floor. He could feel Dean’s desperate moans vibrating through them both. Each moan was soft and needy, but also powerful and uncontrolled. It seemed that almost every time Dean opened his mouth, anything but words would come out if Dean wasn’t focused on talking, which he wasn’t.
“Cas, I’m close. Fuck, I’m so close,” Dean strangled out, gripping onto Castiel’s shoulders for barings. Castiel could feel Dean tighten his grip within each passing second, and while it didn’t hurt, it also didn’t exactly feel pleasant.
Without warning, Dean came. A loud and unexpected groan came out of Dean, taking Castiel by surprise- he hadn’t known that noise was even possible to make. Hot spurts of cum shot down Castiel’s throat while Dean tugged gently on Castiel’s hair.
When Castiel shifted his gaze upwards, he was met with those bright green eyes. And Castiel knew- if they never said those three little words, they both knew they were so hopelessly in love with each other.
Dean’s had a good orgasm. Then he’s also had a great orgasm.
But he has never had one like the one he got from Castiel.
Two hours after the shower blow-job incident, Dean still couldn’t stop thinking about it. They were laying in bed together, legs tangled together and arms wrapped around each other. Castiel’s head was laying on Dean’s bare chest.
Dean kept thinking of how after he came undone, Castiel had stood up and crashed his lips against Dean’s If there was any trace of Dean on his lips, Dean couldn’t tell- all he could taste was Castiel. He kept thinking of how Castiel let Dean wash his hair, rubbing his scalp gently. He thought of how after Castiel rinsed his hair, Dean grabbed the bar of soap and started massaging the soap all over Castiel’s body. He thought about how when he accidentally brushed his hand against Castiel’s member, Castiel only blushed. He thought of how that pale skin turned a bright red, flushed with embarrassment. He thought of whatever reasons Castiel would be embarrassed.
He thought for hours and every conclusion led him back to- Castiel has nothing to feel insecure about. With his beautifully pale skin, bright blue eyes that seem to stare into the soul of whoever he makes eye contact with, those pink lips that are so fucking full and plump, the hands that are soft and perfect for holding, the chest that is toned and soft and gentle to lay on. And the mind that Castiel has is inexplicably beautiful, there were no words for Dean to use to describe that mind.
Now or never, Dean told himself.
“I love you…” Dean whispered into Castiel’s ear.
There was a seemingly long pause of silence. Everything stilled for what seemed like forever.
“I love you too.”