The moment her cryo pod opened Clarke felt the weight of emotions she felt before falling asleep. She remembered thinking about staying awake while everyone else silently slumbered for years without her. If she would have let everyone go and silently age while they lay frozen it would have felt better, maybe she wouldn’t feel this way now. Maybe all those years alone would have broken her demons and she would be able to live without the pain of the past. Looking down at Madi sleeping soundly, a soft pang against her chest shifted, she should have had a better childhood. All of the what ifs race through her mind until she hears the soft click of another cryo pod opening. Bellamy. They looked at each other, then looked at the rest of the cryo pods.
“Why is it just us?”
“That’s the way mom and dad wanted it.”
Surprised by the stranger, Clarke and Bellamy glanced at each other confused.
“Oh, sorry..I’m new at this, I’m Jordan, Monty and Harper’s son.” Jordan said noting the confusion on their faces.
“Son..?” A hint of recognition hit her eyes, she continued, “They didn’t go to sleep..”
“No, they wanted to get back the way it was on the ring..”
She remembers them talking about how peaceful it was on the ring, finally being away from war and heartbreak. Clarke looked down at her feet, knowing she’s never known peace, so she was glad Monty and Harper got it and she understood why they didn’t go into the chambers. They deserved it. She could have had that with them, wishing so deeply that she got that chance. Remembering the deep and painful ache in her heart. Who knows if she will ever get it.
Jordan showed them a video showcasing Monty and Harper’s life on the ship, including his birth, the realization that earth was gone, Harpers death, and the new planet. It was heartbreaking, and once the new planet was shown Bellamy and Clarke couldn’t do anything but stare at the new planet and hold each other. Deep down, Clarke knew this could be a great thing for her family, she just had to make sure she couldn’t screw it up with her mistakes.
You won’t screw this up for everyone, you can do this.
It took them a day or so to figure out who to wake up and who to keep asleep. Clarke decided to let Bellamy handle most of that, knowing he would make the good choices. Of course, he decided to wake up the rest of Spacekru, his family. And so far, they had only woken up seven people; Echo, Emori, Raven, and Murphy, then Clarke decided to wake up Miller and Jackson. It was Raven who decided to wake up Shaw, since he had extensive knowledge of the ships tech. Smart idea, but then again Raven is brilliant.
But, Clarke knew after waking up Spacekru that things would be different. The atmosphere was different, the way she silently moved around everybody, not speaking up or choosing her words wisely. They were a family, and she wasn’t apart of that family. She was a traitor to them and she was sure nothing would change their minds. That was clearly set in stone when she walked into the mess hall and Emori and Murphy said some snide comments about her, something about handing their people over to be tortured and it being called “just a Tuesday for Clarke,” she just walked away. She tried to push it to the back of her mind, but after years of difficult decisions and the loss of so many people, she just didn’t have the strength to push it all away. It didn’t exactly help that they were targeting her for the things she had to do to save them. Her demons reminded her of those choices daily as well, her mind being as much of a traitor as they say she is.
You can do this Clarke, just take it day by day.
She thought it would get easier each day, but it only got harder. The second day everyone was awake they all gathered to talk about what to do and what the game plan would be. It was decided that they would wait a week or so before sending anybody down to the new planet so more research could be done. Each person was tasked with something to research, whether that be the oxygen levels or radiation levels of the new planet, these things needed to be figured out. It wasn’t horrible, that first day, but she could tell she wasn’t wanted. Nobody really acknowledged her presence. She barely managed to get a small smile from Bellamy, probably the only person that could save her. Yet, he was far too busy being their leader. There was nothing wrong with that, she knew his strength was within the power of his leadership and his heart.
Clarke managed to get paired with Jordan to figure out the food supply on the ship, and apparently he had already taken care of that situation before he even woke them up. So she didn’t have to worry about actually doing any work, which was nice.
It wasn’t that Clarke didn’t care about the new planet, it was just that she had zero motivation to do anything, she started to lose interest in everyday conversations about “Planet Alpha” and no one really noticed that her effort had zeroed out. It was day 3 of research that she realized they didn’t even need her help. They had everything figured out, without her help. They had literally figured everything they needed to get to the ground safely without her input or suggestions. She didn’t even think they needed her at all.
So she decided that day, she decided they didn’t need her at all.
They didn’t need to know that, but like they would care anyway, all she has heard from them since day one was how she was the traitor. She had given up hope. Her demons had won.
The next couple of days went by in a blur. Clarke looked around the mess hall, taking in all of the faces of everyone. These people used to be her friends, but now Clarke sat on the outside looking in. She looked at the hope that radiated off of everyone, the hope that held excitement for the future. They needed that because after years of hardships, this was their future. A hopeful one. For them at least.
She seemed to disappear in the background and began to wonder if this would be the best thing for her and everyone around her. Then she saw Bellamy, and the way he looked talking to Skaikru, to Echo. She realized it was the best thing she could do. It would give them a better chance at a good life, it would give Madi a chance to be a child again. She began thinking about her and Madi’s life before Eligius came to earth, how she felt like she finally had a place to call home. She wanted Madi to have that feeling again. She was deep in her thoughts when a tear started to roll down her cheek.
“Hey.” Jordan spoke quietly but still jolted Clarke from the memories.
She quickly wiped her cheek and looked up to the cheery young man that stood in front of her. Oh he looked so much like Monty. It was heartbreaking really, but the happiness that radiated from him had her smiling. How could she be sad around him, this life is all he has known and he’s excited about going to the new planet.
“So, I was told this stuff isn’t actually good, but since its all i’ve ever eaten..” He handed her a bowl of Monty’s algae.
“Oh it’s the best.” she replied teasingly.
She gulped the algae down like it actually tasted good, but in reality this was really the first time she ate anything substantial. If you really looked at her you could tell. Her sunken eyes and boney structure was a sure sign of malnutrition. But, since no one really paid any attention to her, no one noticed. She looked up at Jordan smiling. She didn’t say another word and he got up to sit with the main group. She felt that pang against her chest again. He would be happy with them. She watched him sit down and caught a glance from Bellamy who smiled at her. She couldn’t force herself to smile back so she just stood up and walked to her room. She sat on her bed with her back against the wall and started to sketch out a picture of everyone together. They all looked happy in the portrait, she didn’t put herself in the picture. Why would they want to be reminded of what she has done to them. When she was done she folded it up neatly and wrote on the back.
I’m sorry for all the pain. I’m sorry for letting you down.
Please take care of Madi for me. Tell her to be strong.
May We Meet Again.
She pined it to the wall hoping someone would find it. She didn’t really want it to come to this, but after years and years of choices, regrets, and painful memories, she didn’t want to live a life like this. Clarke was done living.
Another couple of days went by without anyone talking to her, which was fine, but Clarke wanted to end things on a good note with everyone. So she wanted to make amends. Hopefully, some people would understand where she was coming from.
She walked over to a table that Emori, Murphy, Shaw and Raven were sitting at. This would be the place to start. The ones who hated her the most. She quietly sat down and looked at Raven.
Her saying that made all hell break loose. Literally. Shaw stood up aggressively and started yelling at her. Screaming.
“I just want some redemption..”
“You want redemption?!” Shaw screamed at her.
She stood there, still, she deserved this. She may have no expected it to go like this, but maybe having him let this all out will make way for forgiveness.
“You haven’t done a damn thing to even deserve a good life!”
Clarke heard Echo say something but her mind was focused on the hate spewing from Shaw’s mouth.
“No! She deserves to feel the pain she’s inflicted on everyone she supposedly cares about!”
She has felt the pain of her demons for years. Fear, anger, regret, and so many other emotions boiled under her skin. She started to walk away.
“I wasn’t done Clarke!”
She turned around,
“Well, I am.”
It’s over isn’t it..