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Bunker Shenanigans Presents:

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“He’s been locked in there all day. What do you think he’s doing?” Jiya whispers to Lucy as they sit on the couch at ten o’clock at night, watching black and white reruns of I Love Lucy on TV.

Lucy glances behind them in the direction of Garcia’s bunk. She shrugs her shoulders.

“Why do you think I would know?” She asks.

“Are you kidding me?” Jiya laughs.

Lucy looks at her expectantly. No. She really has no idea what her friend is talking about.

Jiya shakes her head in disbelief, “You and Flynn…”

“Flynn and I, what?”

Rufus enters the room wearing one of Jiya’s flamingo pink bath robes and his blue flip-flops, he carries in his hand a yellow rubber ducky and a bottle of bubble bath soap.

“I look ridiculous.” He states.

Jiya and Lucy look at him and despite how ridiculous he looks, they don’t even crack a smile.

“I’m like one-hundred percent sure that Flynn either threw away my regular bathrobe, or he hid it on me somewhere in this bunker. Probably someplace up high where none of us, except him, can see it.”

“That doesn’t prevent you from enjoying the garden bath he installed in the bathroom last week.” Lucy says, eyeing her friend from head to toe. Her lips curl into a smile and she giggles.

“No. It doesn’t. We live in a confined space with Flynn. A terrorist and murderer.” He pauses and squeezes the rubber ducky so it squeaks to emphasize the seriousness of their living conditions. “A man needs a nice, warm bubble bath at least three times a week to de-stress.”

Lucy and Jiya watch Rufus as he heads toward the restroom. Once he’s out of view – but not out of hearing range – they burst out laughing. They turn their attention back to the television and their previous conversation.

“Connor said he heard Flynn laughing to himself in his bunk early this morning.” Jiya says as she reaches for a bowl of popcorn on the coffee table in front of them.

“Flynn laughs when he’s not being a sarcastic ass?” Lucy asks. "Who knew?"

“Lucy… just stop it.” Jiya shoves a handful of popcorn into her mouth.

“Stop what?”

“Pretending that you and Flynn don’t hang out behind all our backs.”

“We don’t-”

Wyatt swaggers into the room and plops down next to Lucy on the couch, throwing his dirty shoes up on the table in front of them.

“Hey, Luce.” He nods his head as if he’s all that.

“Lucy, Wyatt. Please just call me Lucy.”

“Sure thing, Luce.” He leans forward and picks up the bowl of popcorn and places it in his lap and proceeds to scarf a couple handfuls down. Several half-gnawed-on pieces of popcorn fall back into the bowl.

Gross.

Lucy stands up.

“I don’t know about you two, but I’m exhausted and I’m going to bed.” She tells her friends as Jiya regards Wyatt with an air of disgust as more popcorn falls from his mouth back into the popcorn bowl.

“Luce! Don’t you sleep out here on the couch?!” Wyatt shouts after her as Lucy picks up her pace and hurries around the corner and down the hall toward Garcia’s room.

She’s practically running by the time she gets to Garcia’s bunk door. She doesn’t knock as she usually does because she’s afraid Mr. Wyatt “Calls Me Luce and I Hate It” Logan is chasing after her. She throws the door open and slams it shut, pressing her back against it. She blinks her eyes when she looks and sees Garcia Flynn standing in only his black boxer briefs, rubbing coconut oil on his chest. Lucy takes in that tall glass of water and inhales the pleasant scent of coconut as she steps toward him.

“Hey.” She says in a tone that unintentionally sounds seductive.

“Hey?” He replies. “Everything ok?”

Lucy looks around his room and sees that he has managed to acquire a laptop computer which is open on his desk against the back wall. She takes the jar of coconut oil from Garcia’s hands and dips her fingers into it, handing the jar back to him.

“Turn around.” She tells him and he does as he’s told.

Lucy melts the oil in her hands and starts rubbing it all over Garcia’s back. The entire time she stares at the laptop monitor. It looks like… she squints her eyes.

“Did you install surveillance cameras in the bunker?” She asks as she glides her slick hands across his strong shoulders.

“Why are you helping me apply coconut oil?” He avoids her question.

Lucy blinks and looks at her hands. In his state of undress, she apparently has found herself in some kind of trance where she is in fact rubbing oil on his back. She quickly removes her hands from his body and steps away from him, unsure what to do with her oily hands.

“Do you have a towel?” She asks.

Garcia turns around and winks at her as he bends down and picks up a hand towel from his bed. She takes it and wipes her hands.

“Usually you knock before entering, Lucy.” He smiles. “Does this mean we’re taking our friendship to the next level?” His heart flutters. He’s flirting with her again. The first time that he flirted with Lucy since he moved in to this bunker, he stayed up all night playing his line over and over again in his head. Then when he heard his words come out of his mouth – you were a gentle and responsive lover – he had to laugh at how ridiculous it sounded. Thankfully, Lucy let him off the hook and ever since then the two of them have undoubtedly become closer.

“You’re avoiding my question.” She says, avoiding his question.

“Oh… about the surveillance cameras. Yeah… I found some in a box in the storage closet last week and I installed one in the bunker.”

“Just one? Why? And more important… which room did you install it in?” Lucy asks, kicking off her shoes and untucking her shirt. She eyes Garcia again from head to toe and decides if he’s comfortable enough around her in his underwear, that she might as well do the same. She unbuttons and unzips her jeans and takes them off. Now she's standing in front of him in only her white t-shirt and black panties.

“Wyatt’s room.” Garcia answers her, giving her a good head-to-toe, wetting his lips.

Lucy throws her jeans on the corner chair and turns to face him. She reaches behind her back and unhooks her bra and enjoys the grin on Garcia’s face as she manages to remove her bra without taking off her t-shirt. She throws her bra at him and he catches it.

“What are you grinning about?” She asks with a wink.

“Nothing.” He chuckles.

“So… Wyatt’s room?” She sits down on the edge of his bed and looks up at him.

Garcia’s grin turns into a wide smile and before she knows it, he’s laughing. She watches him pick up the laptop. He sits down next to her and hits the triangular play button on the media player.

“You gotta see this, Lucy.” He’s laughing so hard his shoulders are shaking which makes it hard to make out what exactly she’s supposed to be looking at on the laptop in his hands. So, she takes the laptop from him, and he falls down on the bed behind them, laughing so hard that she thinks she just heard him snort.

Lucy watches the video and sees Wyatt Logan staring out the window in front of him. He’s alone in his and Jessica’s bunk, his arms crossed in front of his chest. She leans closer to the monitor and watches as Wyatt checks his hair in the reflection of the window.

“You. are. THE. man.” Wyatt tells his reflection. “You are strong and you are buff.” Wyatt reaches forward and caresses (?!?!) his reflection. “Now go out there and walk as if you’ve got a ginormous eggplant between your legs. The ladies like the swagger, and you, Wyatt Sherwin Logan, have all the swagger. Swag, swag, swag, swag, swag. Now go out there and show Luce that she’s making a big mistake not being your piece on the side.”

At first, Lucy is horrified. Her jaw drops and she glances back at Garcia who is trying to catch his breath on the bed behind her. She rewinds the video.

“… ginormous eggplant between your legs.”

Lucy slams her finger on the pause button and bursts out laughing. “Oh. My. God. No! No! No!” She exclaims as she rewinds the video again. As bad as this is, and as horrible it is that you can’t unsee this, she has to watch it again.

“… ginormous eggplant…” She rewinds again, “… ginormous eggplant…” She rewinds again, “… ginormous eggplant between your legs. The ladies like the swagger, and you, Wyatt Sherwin Logan, have all the swagger. Swag, swag, swag, swag, swag.”

“Flynn!!!” She exclaims and slaps his shoulder as he finally has stopped laughing long enough to sit up. “What the hell?!”

“He thinks he has a ginormous eggplant.” Garcia giggles like a schoolboy as he says this, rewinding the video again. He covers his mouth and chuckles as…

“… ginormous eggplant between your legs.”

Garcia hits pause again and looks at Lucy. They both laugh in tandem, tickled at this majestic and hilarious gem that Garcia has managed to uncover about their bunkmate.

“It gets better...” Garcia says and scrubs through the video to a later time. “This is from this morning.”

Lucy watches as Wyatt reenters his bunk wearing a bathrobe. His hair is wet and he's just come from the shower. He hugs Jessica and kisses her on the cheek as she leaves, closing the bunk door behind her. Everything is normal at first. Wyatt runs a comb through his hair and swishes (then swallows?) some wintergreen mouthwash. Then… he goes to the window again and winks at his reflection and points at it.

“Hi, we’re you’re Wyatt girls. Ah-huh. And have we got news for you. You better listen. Get ready, all you lonely girls. And leave those umbrellas at home! All right…” Wyatt twirls in place and picks up one of Jessica’s hairbrushes and uses it as a microphone as he sings his Wyatt rendition of It’s Raining Men, “Humidity is rising… barometer’s getting low… According to all the sources, the street’s the place to go… ‘cause tonight for the first time – FIRST TIME! – Just about half-past ten, for the first time in history, it’s gonna start raining Wyaaaaatt!”

Wyatt jump kicks into the air and his bathrobe falls to the ground. But does he care? No. He’s buck naked and dancing around, swinging his "ginormous eggplant" as if it were a tassle, and singing as if he were Izora Rhodes and Martha Wash all wrapped into his little five-foot ten package. Lucy nearly drops the laptop on the floor as she covers her mouth to keep herself from laughing too loud and drawing the attention of the others in the bunker.

“It’s raining Wyatt! Hallelujah, it’s raining Wyatt! Amen! I’m gonna go out to run and let myself get ABSOLUTELY SOAKING WET!!! It’s raining Wyatt!” Wyatt gyrates his hips Elvis-style then drops to one knee and pumps his fist as if he’s a bloody rockstar. “It’s raining Wyatt! Hallelujah, it’s raining Wyatt! Every specimen! Tall, blond, dark and lean! Rough and tough and strong and mean!”

Abruptly, Wyatt stops as if it never happened. He winks at his reflection in the window again and fixes his hair as he changes into his jeans.

“He goes commando?” Lucy asks through her tears of laughter, and all Garcia can do is nod his head and laugh with her.

They watch as Wyatt throws on a white t-shirt and a blue flannel shirt. He winks at himself again and steps closer to his reflection.

“So whaddaya think, Winnie? Think I’d look good if I dyed my hair blond?” Wyatt asks… the mirror

“Who’s Winnie?” Lucy asks Garcia, snorting as she laughs.

“I think he named the window!” Garcia howls, then quickly covers his mouth.

Lucy collapses in Garcia’s lap in a fit of laughter. This is too much.

Garcia closes the laptop and sets it down on the floor, and pushes it underneath his bed. They spend another couple of minutes laughing about their resident closeted-Weather Girl and his ginormous eggplant before settling down.

“You sleeping here tonight?” Garcia asks, standing up to allow Lucy his bed.

“You don’t mind, do you?” She asks, and chuckles again at what she saw on the surveillance video. “And…” Her eyes fall on his fine tight ass as he walks away from her toward the chair in the corner of the room, “… you don’t have to sleep in that chair. It gets cold in here and having a warm body next to me is… nice…”

Garcia turns around and smiles. And much to Lucy’s dismay, he slips it on over his head before turning off the light and crawling into bed with her. They are quiet for a moment, pretending that everything is back to normal after what they just watched, and then they both simultaneously burst into laughter.

"You just can't unsee it." Garcia whispers quietly, trying not to laugh too hard again.

“We have to keep this a secret between us, ok?” She says.

“I know. We can’t risk anyone finding out.” He chuckles. "Just between us... it's better entertainment than reruns of old TV shows, that's for sure."

Lucy rolls onto her side and looks at Garcia, his eyes are sparkling. She’s never seen him so happy and relaxed, and it suits him. And even though they’re just friends and there’s absolutely nothing going on between them, Lucy places a soft kiss on his cheek before settling into his body, closing her eyes and falling asleep.