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i'm really trying, i really am

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hyunjin shoves his face into his hands. this is the fourth time this week the thought has entered his head. and it's only tuesday.

he really shouldn't think this way, he really shouldn't- there's no way it can be real. no absolutely-freaking way it can ever come true, because the other party could never cooperate. all of hyunjin's innocent fantasies will just stay that. fantasies. so why does he still torture himself so?

kim seungmin is straight. he's even said it himself. hyunjin feels like laughing and crying at the same time. how funny life is, a gay awakening being a straight guy. classic slapstick.

(hyunjin hates every second of it.)

it's not like hyunjin doesn't like girls anymore; he still gets a tiny infatuation over a really pretty one every now and then, but he finds himself looking at them less and less in favour of sneaking glances at seungmin, seeing whether he's doing the same, hoping, praying-

it never comes true.

but it's not like his crush is not completely founded on pillars of salt and sand. seungmin, in fact, does show especial affection to hyunjin. whenever they walk together seungmin casually slides his hand in hyunjin's, sometimes swings them as the two chat. when hyunjin lies his head on seungmin's thighs, the younger will glide his fingers through the older's hair. the first time it happened, hyunjin nearly purred with bliss. and sometimes, when hyunjin does something really stupid or extra, seungmin will give him an exasperated expression and say, "hyunjinnie, i love you, but you need to shut up."

(it's not healthy for hyunjin's heart.)

he's been having intrusive thoughts lately, about this. seungmin hugging him tight, seungmin stroking his cheek, seungmin kissing his lips-

he stops himself yet again. the tally strikes through. fifth time.

good lord, hyunjin really wants to punch himself. but no amount of brute force can possibly eke out all these stupid, stupid thoughts of the very much not stupid seungmin.

he can only hope they fade away with time. because there is no way he's making a move. he can only sate himself with the small acts of affection they give each other everyday, mybe watch seungmin fall in love with a beautiful girl he deserves, while hyunjin is left behind to watch seungmin from an ever increasing distance.

it's what fate planned.

Chapter Text

on off weekends, it's common to see hyunjin out of his house. being a social creature, he was almost always out with his friends, whether it be going to a movie, a park, or just a meal. but this weekend, hyunjin's not doing any of that. instead, he's comfortably wrapped up in blankets, curled up on his bed, happily watching netflix, head resting on seungmin's shoulder. the younger boy is just as engrossed with what's on screen, eyes not missing a moment. hyunjin's trying to concentrate too, but the dialogue's only so important when what's really registering in hyunjin's head is seungmin's warmth, seungmin's softness, seungmin's sweetness-

he tries to stop the butterflies starting to flutter in his stomach, he really does.

so far, it seems to be working, because seungmin doesn't seem to be reacting to any of hyunjin's affections. honestly, he doesn't have any reason to react; this part of their friendship was established long ago.

the episode ends and seungmin doesn't move to skip the end credits. instead, he shifts, making hyunjin move along with him. "that was an interesting episode," he comments, and hyunjin turns his head to show he's paying attention. ah- seungmin's face is only inches away from hyunjin's, it's too close, but hyunjin stays still, because seungmin is comfortable and he doesn't want to move. "the plot took such a dramatic turn and honestly, i think the scriptwriters could have written the character interactions a little better..."

as hyunjin listens, he really tries to understand what seungmin's saying, he really does, but as he stares into seungmin's deep brown eyes, he can feel his head start to swim from dizziness. he's really in too deep, he realises. he should really stop looking before it gets creepy, but he can't rip his eyes away from such a pretty sight when it's so close to him. he doesn't feel his loss of awareness, doesn't know when he started drifting closer to seungmin, doesn't see when his eyes flitter shut. all he remembers next is his lips barely brushing another's, head one big blank of white, before his eyes fly open again and he scrambles back as fast as humanly possible. he stares, bug-eyed, as seungmin, who looks just as shell-shocked, jaw slack from hyunjin's sudden advance.

hyunjin doesn't know what to say. "i-i-" he stammers, i'm sorry? does that cut it? oh god, how will he ever apologise for kissing a straight guy without his consent, god, seungmin's gonna hate him-

"i'm sorry," he says anyway, because his brain's instantly programmed to say that in any case of emergency. which this definitely is. he draws the blanket tighter around himself. "i-i'm sorry, i really don't know what came over me-" he licks his lips, and fuck, that's probably really creepy. he buries his face in his hands. "- i- you can leave if you want-"

"hold up," seungmin says. hyunjin's heart skips a beat. what will he say? that he's disgusted with hyunjin? that he never wants to be within five feet of hyunjin? that he will never talk to hyunjin for the rest of his life? that-

"was that on purpose?" oh god, now he knows for sure that hyunjin has a dumb crush on him, he's trying to let hyunjin down slowly, hyunjin's doomed-

"hyunjin?" seungmin gently prompted. rustling sounds; he's moving closer. hyunjin doesn't respond, too afraid of seungmin's reaction. aircon-cooled fingers clasp at his own, pulling them down so hyunjin finally meets seungmin's eyes.

they don't look mad, there isn't a hint of revulsion in there anywhere. if anything, they're full of concern and care, as seungmin lowers hyunjin's hands to interlock their fingers in his lap. "are you okay?" he asks.

hyunjin bites his lip, and slowly shakes his head no. "i-" he starts, "i'm sorry..."

seungmin's eyes flick to the bed. "there isn't anything to be sorry about," he murmurs, what looks like a fond smile tugging at his lips.

in an instant, hyunjin can't believe his luck. hope blooms in his chest like a hyper spring day, filling his senses and sending his head into a rush. "really?" he breathes.

seungmin smiles, really smiles, as he looks back at hyunjin. "really," he echoes. "i... i've wanted to do that for ages."

"you- you what?" hyunjin splutters. there is no way that seungmin reciprocates his feelings-

"wanted to kiss you." seungmin looks away bashfully. "it's probably really creepy, i can't remember when i first started feeling this way-"

"no!" hyunjin scrambles into a more upright position. "no, i've- i've always wanted to do it too. kiss you, i mean." without thinking his gaze flits to seungmin's pretty lips.

seungmin's keen eyes don't miss the movement. a small smirk plays at his lips. "wanna do it again?" he asks playfully.

a flush spreads on hyunjin's cheeks in an instant. "maybe?" he replies weakly.

seungmin draws closer, smirk still on his lips. "then what are you waiting for?"

hyunjin lets his eyes slide close, and lets his instincts take the lead.

the kiss is incredibly soft, and definitely better than the first bare brush of lips they shared. hyunjin is instantly enchanted by how soft seungmin's lips are, lightheaded from how slowly they move, a heat gathering in his stomach as he seeks more, craves more-

they separate, then kiss, separate, kiss again. hyunjin's practically on cloud nine, he can't get enough of seungmin, every kiss seems more blissful than the last and god, this is absolute heaven.

eventually, though they have to stop for a break, and hyunjin lets out a long breath as they both recover from the intensity of the past few moments. "wow," he whispers onto seungmin's lips. "we- we gotta do that more often."

seungmin hums, which drives hyunjin crazier than it probably should. "yeah. sounds good."

---

(hyunjin can't get the taste of seungmin off his lips for a few days after, feeling phantom sensations every time he closes his eyes for more than a second, feeling his heart beat faster every time it happens. of course, seungmin doesn't make those phantom sensations phantom anymore, nor does he intend to, for a very long time.)