Panic had engulfed her body like a fire in a dry forest and showed sign of release. No matter the multitude of thoughts coursing through her brain the anxiety wouldn't subside. It didn't help that no one would tell her anything, but then again no one knew anything. So she sat; she sat and she sat and she sat. What seemed like days was merely hours that kept ticking away on the clock. People came in and out, some left with good news and others with bad, but she remained. She remained in the uncomfortably straight chair connected to a whole row lining the wall that was a mocking shade of light blue. She watched people rushing in just as she had many hours earlier then leaving while she sat in the same chair, in the same position. She didn't want to leave her chair for any reason, it didn't matter that she had to pee really bad or that she was really quite hungry, she wanted to be there if the doctors called for her.
"Miss Luthor?...Miss Luthor, are you alright?" a voice pulled her from her thoughts and back to reality.
"Oh uh...yes," she answered looking up at a tall man in his 50s.
"I can't believe you're still here didn't my intern come tell you that your uh...girlfriend was transferred?" he asked.
"Umm...no," she answered in confusion.
"Oh my, I'm so sorry but she was taken to a federal hospital, whatever that is, but they had the right credentials so I had to let her go. Here's her personal items that they left behind," he said producing a plastic bag from what seemed like no where.
"Oh, ok thank you," she said connecting dots in her head and taking the bag from his hands.
"Are you sure you're alright, Miss Luthor?" he asked one final time.
"Yes," she replied. He nodded seeming convinced then turned and left her alone in the waiting room.
She gathered her purse and coat and left the hospital. She drove to the DEO to find Alex and rip her a new asshole for not telling her where her girlfriend was and basically kidnapping her from a hospital. When she got into the DEO and found Alex she expected to feel angry and to start yelling but all she could do was watch as she desperately tried to revive Kara. She watched through the window like walls, tears running down her cheeks in some sort of silent prayer that Kara would make it. Never in her life did she think that she'd be right here, right now. She never thought that she'd be able to openly love Kara and get it back. She never thought that she'd ever meet someone like Kara, who was so perfect in every single way. She never thought that she'd ever have a bond with someone as strong as the one they shared. She didn't deserve it. She'd done too many awful things, been part of too many awful things. Things Kara would never understand and never know.
"You can't die on me now," she whispered partly to herself but partly to her girlfriend laying unconscious on a table hooked up to a multitude of machines. Everyone took a sigh of relief when Kara's vitals stabilized. Lena felt as if she could breathe again. Alex walked out of the room wiping sweat from her brow.
"You should have called, texted, come got me...something," Lena told her quietly.
"You know as well as I do...," Alex trailed off but didn't have to finish the sentence anyway.
"I know," Lena sighed.
"You can go in, if you'd like. Just let her rest," Alex offered. Lena nodded as moved forward her heels making the infamous clicking noise with every step she took on the cold concrete floor. She looked down at Kara who was normally the strong one but now looked frail.
She moved the reclining chair that was in the room closer to the bed and sat down. She stared at the bruising and blood on her girlfriends body, something she never thought she'd see. She intertwined her fingers with Kara's and pulled out her phone. She texted Eve to tell her she needed to cancel her meetings for the day and schedule conference calls in their place. She was relieved that the most urgent projects were in an in-between phase at the moment and wouldn't need her attention for a while.
As the night wore down doctors came in and out to check on Kara. Alex walked past the room seeing Lena still sitting with her sister, holding her hand. Tears filled her eyes but she didn't allow them to fall. At least not here in front of everyone, a director shouldn't cry in front of her subordinates. She went to the locker room and sat on one of the benches facing away from the door. Silence filled the room until she heard the door open. She looked over her shoulder to see J'onn, he sat down next to her.
"Alex," J'onn started. Alex couldn't hold back the tears anymore and J'onn pulled her into a tight hug as she sobbed into his shoulder. When she was done she stood and walked over to a sink in the room. She turned on the water and splashed the cold liquid on her face. She dried her face with paper towels from the dispenser closest to her.
"I hate feeling like this," Alex confided. J'onn stayed seated and rested hands on his knees.
"I know you do but you've done all you can. That's all you can ask of yourself. You'll see in time, you're blinded by the fierce love you have for your sister. It's taken me a long time to understand what it meant to be blinded by love. You think that you could've done more, been there faster, but the reality is that you weren't and overthinking it and replaying hypothetical situations in your head ain't gonna help anyone. You have to accept what happened, happened and move on," he advised.
"Thanks, that actually helps a lot. I guess I have a lot to learn still," she said with an exhausted laugh. He nodded and left the room. Alex stood at the door taking a deep breath before going back to work. She strode through the DEO like she owned it and she more or less did.
Back in the infirmary where Kara lay sleeping still, Lena read through her multitude of emails on her phone fingers still intertwined with Kara's. She heard a faint moan escape Kara's lips as her eyes fluttered open.
"Lena?" Kara whispered.
"I'm here love," Lena answered. Kara turned her head and looked at her girlfriend.
"You gave us quite a scare there sweetheart," Lena told her smiling.
"Well, I'm not goin anywhere anytime soon," Kara promised smiling back weakly.
"We should probably get Alex in here. She'd want to know that you were awake," Lena said standing. Kara nodded as Lena went to get Alex. When Alex came into the room she started to check Kara's vitals which had improved significantly in the hours that had passed.
"I want to go home." Kara said in a tired voice.
"I don't know, you're vitals are good but I'd still like to keep you here for observation," Alex answered.
"I'll stay with her, at her apartment," Lena offered.
"Well in that case I guess I could let you go," Alex said with a smile that quickly faded and she looked at Lean sternly, "but if anything seems off in anyway I want you to call me immediately."
"You know I will," Lena promised. When they left the DEO it was late and even though Kara could walk on her own Lena kept her arm around her waist for support. She helped her injured girlfriend into the car gingerly. When they arrived at Kara's apartment they sat down on the couch to take in what had happened and to take a breather. Too exhausted to talk it was like Lena knew what she wanted without even having to ask. Lena helped Kara to the bathroom. When they reached the bathroom Lena had Kara sit on the closed toilet seat and turned on the water to fill the bathtub. Lena looked into Kara's eyes that were normally a very bright and vibrant blue but were now a dull and glassy gray.
"Okay let's start with the shoes, love," Lena half suggested, half told. Kara nodded in reply and cooperated with Lena as she undressed her. Water trickled down her body as Lena poured it over her head. Kara sat with her arms wrapped around her knees while Lena did her best to remove the blood and dirt from her body being as gently as she could.
Kara sat on the edge of the bed her feet resting on the top of the bed frame, her head in her hands. Tears silently streamed down her face. She had so much to feel and not enough energy to feel it. She was grateful for Lena and not just for taking her home but for staying and not forcing her to talk, not asking if she was okay every five seconds. Lena understood her in a way that not even Alex could. She took off her glasses and set them on the bedside table then laid down covering herself with the blankets. When Lena came out of the shower she heard the bathroom door open and Lena's footsteps into the bedroom. The second dresser drawer held a few articles of Lena's clothing which she put on and climbed into bed behind Kara. She wrapped her arms around Kara and pulled her close.
"I killed a man," Kara whispered.
"How can you love me still after that?"
"Kara, how could I leave you when you need me the most? I love you."
"I killed your brother."
"If you hadn't he would've killed you."
"I'm so selfish."
"Because I'm sitting here all depressed and needy after I killed your brother. I'm not allowing you to grieve."
"Lex and I had an odd relationship. He's hurt a lot of people. He hasn't been my brother for years, the real Lex died when the first civilian fell victim to his actions."
"I'm so sorry."
"I can't not feel this."
"Then feel it. Let it come. Let it be. Then let it go."
"That's what I say to you."
"Then you should practice what you preach, love. Roll over."
Kara rolled over to face Lena.
"Kara Zor-El Danvers, I love you and I promise that I will never leave your side no matter what we get ourselves into."
"I don't deserve this," Kara whispered.
"You do, always and forever," Lena reassured.
Lena kissed her girlfriend's forehead. Kara buried her face in Lena's neck and closed her eyes quickly falling asleep. Lena held her girlfriend tightly and couldn't think of a better place to be.