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The (Several) Convenient Kidnappings of the Chief Cultivator by the Yiling Patriarch

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The (Several) Convenient Kidnappings of the Chief Cultivator by the Yiling Patriarch
by misscam


Noble. Righteous. Protective of those in need. Dedicated. A good ‘friend’ of the Yiling Patriarch, a sure benefit if a crisis should occur. Admired by all spare a few, and begrudgingly respected even by them.

Thus, when Hanguang Jun was made Chief Cultivator, the cultivation world thought it a rather good idea, actually.

They changed their minds very, very quickly.


Good qualities are good qualities, Nie Huaisang knows. Unfortunately, they can also be inconvenient qualities, especially when dealing with sects and the cultivation world, which is why he personally embraced more convenient qualities to get things done.

Hanguang Jun is… Hanguang Jun, however, and Hanguag Jun is driving the cultivation world to despair.

“Stubborn,” Jiang Cheng hisses, and a chorus of voices immediately agrees.

“Unreasonable,” a Jin disciple chimes in.

Utterly unreasonable,” Jiang Cheng amends, unwilling to be topped by anyone when it comes to outrage.

Everyone immediately agrees.

“I told him it was unreasonable,” a Nie disciple adds, and everyone looks impressed by the courage of talking back to Hanguang Jun. “He told me it did not matter as it was the right thing to do.”

Everyone gasps.

The problem, Nie Huaisang knows, is that they all know that Hanguang Jun is noble and righteous and that yes, his proposals and suggestions and guidance of the clans are actually noble and righteous efforts, yes, but… That’s not actually what they want.

What they want is to mostly mind their own sect business, to have someone agreeable to lead them, to have someone capable of smoothing things over when sect business conflicts with another sect’s business, to have pleasant sect gatherings where they can show off to each other and preen.

Hanguang Jun does not mind his business when his conscience is bothered. Hanguang Jun is not agreeable. Hanguang Jun does not smooth over. Hanguang Jun does not encouraging preening. Hanguag Jun is forthright, undiplomatic, and very, very inconvenient – especially because he is undeniably noble and righteous, which just makes things even more irritating.

“Clan Leader Nie, what should we do?” one disciple asks as the group continues to get worked up over Hanguang Jun’s latest decision.

“I don’t know,” Nie Huaisang says.

Of course, he does know, but it is more convenient to pretend he does not.


“Wei Ying,” Lan Zhan says in surprise, immediately rising. His eyes light up at seeing Wei Wuxian, which Wei Wuxian allows himself to enjoy that for a few seconds. It is good to see Lan Zhan again, good to hear Lan Zhan again.

It will be even better away from this stuffy office and chief cultivator nonsense.

“Yiling Patriarch,” he corrects, and Lan Wangji’s eyebrows rise just slightly. “The fearsome Yiling Patriarch is here on nefarious purpose.”

“Wei Ying,” Lan Wangji says sternly. “Do not joke.”

“No joke,” Wei Wuxian says, giving him a dazzling smile. A moment later, a familiar talisman wraps itself around Lan Wangji’s wrists, and he finds himself yanked towards Wei Wuxian.

“I still haven’t decided if I should call it binding or bonding,” Wei Wuxian says thoughtfully. “What do you think, Lan Zhan?”


Lan Wangji just stares at him, lightly pressed against him, wrists tied loosely together and to one of Wei Wuxian’s wrists, looking completely confused rather than scared, intimidated or annoyed.

It is an incredibly arousing sight, Wei Wuxian has to admit. Of course, Lan Wangji could probably find a way to escape if he so desired, but he doesn’t seem to desire to, which makes it all the more arousing.

“Right, right, right,” Wei Wuxian says, trying to remain focused on his mission, and smiles dazzlingly again. “I am kidnapping you.”


“For your protection, of course!” he continues. “I have uncovered a planned coup against you and I’m here to save you by kidnapping you, since you’re far too stubborn to not remain in danger!”


“Do not try to resist!” Wei Wuxian continues dramatically. “I am fully prepared to silence you if you should attempt to call for help.”

“…” Lan Wangji’s lips move, but it takes a few moments before he manages to get words out. “You learned Gusu Lan silence charm?”

“No,” Wei Wuxian says, waving his hand dismissively and realizing too late it is the hand Lan Wangji is tied to, and thus pulling one very, very confused Chief Cultivator even closer.

Lan Wangji stares at Wei Wuxian, and Wei Wuxian stares at Lan Wangji.

“Wei Yi…” Lan Wangji begins, and Wei Wuxian kisses him hotly, silencing him just as effectively as a silencing charm, but crucially, silencing him far more enjoyably.


“The Yiling Patriarch did what?”

“Kidnapped the Chief Cultivator!”

Everyone erupts in confused chatter, then outrage, then… Then a strange thoughtfulness settles in among the clan leaders and cultivators.

“It is an outrage,” one says slowly. “But the Yiling Patriach is truly crafty and fearsome and it would be wise not to antagonize him.”

“Right, right,” another chimes in.

“His Excellency is good friends with the Yiling Patriarch,” one comments. “I am sure His Excellency will not be harmed.”

“Right, right.”

“Hanguang Jun is also the one most capable of handling the Yiling Patriarch. I am sure he will escape unharmed after some time.”

“After some time,” one says pointedly, and everyone nods.

“I am sure we can manage without the Chief Cultivator for some time,” one disciple offers, and everyone fails at looking very, very agreeable to that prospect. “It is truly outrageous that the Yiling Patriarch would dare, dare, to kidnap the esteemed Hanguang Jun, of course, but…”

“… but our esteem for Hanguang Jun is exactly why we should do nothing!” one concludes, and everyone nods at each other.

Nie Huaisang smiles and fans himself.

In the corner, Jiang Cheng grunts sourly and rubs his side absentmindedly. He thinks he might be developing an ulcer.


“Mmm,” Wei Wuxian murmurs as Lan Wangji strokes his cock again, his long, slender fingers making very enticing circles as they slide upwards. “Lan Er-gege, of all the cultivators, you are truly chief even in this.”

“Hn,” Lan Wangji says, the tip of his ears taking on a tint of red slightly, but he doesn’t stop his slow caress, and Wei Wuxian burrows his head into Lan Wangji’s shoulder and sighs happily. He feels rather wonderful, he decides. Wonderfully kissed, wonderfully touched, wonderfully fucked, wonderfully spent. Even wonderfully sore, really, as that was caused by Lan Wangji being wonderfully deep inside him.

In short, he feels wonderfully everything.

So does Lan Wangji, he is pretty sure. He’s behaving softer than Wei Wuxian can ever remember, his normal ice instead become like snow, and it makes Wei Wuxian fall all the more in love with him, or perhaps just realize just how in love with Lan Wangji he is.

“I will return tomorrow,” Lan Wangji says after a moment. Wei Wuxian burrows his face further into Lan Wangji’s shoulder and says nothing. “I have been away almost a week and I must honor my obligations as Chief Cultivator.”

Wei Wuxian still says nothing.

“Wei Ying,” Lan Wangji says softly after a moment.

“I know,” Wei Wuxian whispers, and feels Lan Wangji’s fingers move to his hips, tracing lines and curves lovingly. “I know, Lan Zhan.”

“Hn,” Lan Wangji says, voice strangely sad.


“It is very, very good to see Your Excellency again.”


“You look very well, Your Excellency.”


“We are all impressed you escaped the clutches of the Yiling Patriarch so completely and so unharmed, Your Excellency.”

“Hn.” Lan Wangji pauses, and manages to look almost irritated. “Wei Ying would never harm me.”

“Of course, of course, of course. I did not mean to imply otherwise, Your Excellency. In fact, knowing the Yiling Patriarch’s relationship to His Excellency is why we did not intervene.”


“We did uncover that the coup the Yiling Patriarch attempted to protect His Excellency from were merely a few disgruntled disciples of the Nie sect that spoke out of turn. They have been disciplined by Nie Huaisang personally!”

“Hn,” Lan Wangji says thoughtfully.


“Completely utterly unreasonable!”


Nie Huaisang fans himself, listening to the chatter around him. It has been relatively quiet for a while, really. Hanguang Jun has been most agreeable for weeks after escaping from the Yiling Patriach, astonishing all, but has slowly returned to his previous and more inconvenient disposition.

“Clan Leader Nie, what do you think?”

“I don’t know,” Nie Huaisang says. “His Excellency seemed far more reasonable last week. I don’t know why he would be so unreasonable now. I don’t know.”

“He’s been almost reasonable for weeks,” Jiang Cheng says irritably. “Ever since…”

Jiang Cheng trails off, clenches his jaw angrily and stomps off to find his herbal medicine. Nie Huaisang smiles faintly.

“Ever since he was kidnapped,” someone says pointedly, and several people nod. “Ah, but didn’t the Yiling Patriarch only kidnap the Chief Cultivator because he uncovered some evidence of a coup?”

“Just so,” someone replies, and meaningful nods are exchanged across the room.


Lan Wangji wakes up to find himself riding on a donkey. Not just any donkey, though – Lil’ Apple, braying as noisily as ever. Lil’ Apple is being lead by Wei Wuxian, who is whistling very merrily a tune Lan Wangji knows all too well.

Glancing down, he notices that his hands are tied together with Wei Wuxian’s red ribbon. Gently tied, though, and he knows very well he could easily break free, especially because Wei Wuxian has even brought Bichen along, strapping it to Lil’ Apple’s saddle.

He does not break free.

“Wei Ying,” he says, and Wei Wuxian twirls around to grin at him.

“Lan Zhan! You’re awake. I’m afraid I had to kidnap you again!”


“It’s true! I discovered another planned coup. Jin clan this time. I won’t return you until I am certain it has been dealt with.”


Wei Wuxian steps closer. “I may have to keep you kidnapped longer this time, Lan Zhan. I cannot risk your safety. You won’t attempt to escape until I am convinced the danger has passed, will you?”

“No,” Lan Wangji says, looking at Wei Wuxian through lowered eyelids. “I am in your hands, Wei Ying.”

As Wei Wuxian pulls him off Lil’ Apple and into the grass, kissing him greedily, Lan Wangji soon finds himself in Wei Ying’s hands literally too.


“How shameless.”

“Most shameless.”

“Right, right, right. The Yiling Patriarch truly has no shame. Kidnapping the Chief Cultivator again.”


“Most shameless.”

There is a brief silence.

“However, regrettably, it is best if we do nothing.”

“Quite, quite.”

“Our most esteemed Hanguang Jun proved himself capable of escaping on his own last time. I am certain he will again.”

“Most certainly. Though perhaps it…. It may take slightly longer this time.”

At that suggestion, everyone perks up - except Jiang Cheng, who balls his fists so hard his knuckles turn white while a vein on his forehead seems ready to pop.

Nie Huaisang hides a smirk behind his fan and says absolutely nothing.


Nestled against his back, Wei Wuxian is kissing each of Lan Wangji’s scars slowly and lovingly while Lan Wangji holds his hand and caresses it gently. Inside him, Wei Wuxian is still hard, every now and then making a slight thrust, but mostly holding still inside, as if savoring the sensation and wanting to make it last.

“Lan Zhan,” Wei Wuxian murmurs softly.


“You should return tomorrow.”


Wei Wuxian sighs, his voice reluctant and sad. “You have your duties and I kept you even longer this time.”

Lan Wangji says nothing. He watches their linked hands thoughtfully, feeling Wei Ying return to kissing his scars, hearing Wei Ying’s soft moan as he presses back and draws Wei Ying in even deeper, losing himself in the sensation of Wei Ying, losing himself to Wei Ying.


“Your Excellency! We did not hear you return last night.”


“Jin clan has sent its sincerest apologies for the misbehavior of their disciples and promises they will be properly punished for their behavior.”


“We could hardly believe the Yiling Patriarch dared to kidnap His Excellency again! Though he means well, Your Excellency, the Yiling Patriarch is truly unorthodox in his methods.”


“I hope Your Excellency is not bothered by it.”

“Not bothered,” Lan Wangji says firmly.


This time, Hanguang Jun remains agreeable for over a month. The clans are thrilled, some even beginning to speak the name of the Yiling Patriarch with reverence rather than disapproval.

Jiang Cheng shouts at everyone who does, and then goes to sit quietly in a dark room for an hour afterwards.

It doesn’t help much.

Among the cultivators, the phenomenon – Hanguang Jun being agreeable – even gets a name. ‘The Wei Ying effect’, they say, and nod knowingly.

Nie Huaisang very knowingly avoids noticing the sects drawing lots to decide who among them shall cause a reason for the Yiling Patriarch to kidnap His Excellency this time.

It is more convenient to avoid noticing, after all.


“Lan Zhan,” Wei Wuxian says cheerfully, perched on the window still as Lan Wangji enters his room.

“Wei Ying.”

They just look at each other for a few moments, Wei Wuxian feeling as if warmth is returning to him at last, Lan Wangji softening visibly with every moment in his presence.

“You’re being kidnapped again,” Wei Wuxian finally says, jumping down. “Most dire news, I’m afraid! I’ve uncovered yet another planned coup. Who knew Hanguang Jun would inspire such rebellion within the cultivation world?”

“Hn,” Lan Wangji says all too knowingly, and moves his hand from his back. For a moment, Wei Wuxian wonders if he’s actually going to resist this time. Then he realizes Lan Wangji is pressing his wrists together and holding his hands out, and fuck, he finds himself immediately hard.

“Lan Zhan is most obliging,” he offers, the talisman shining brightly before becoming a string and tying Lan Wangji’s wrists together. Immediately, Lan Wangji steps closer.

“With Wei Ying, always willing,” Lan Wangji says simply, and even with his hands tied, he somehow manages to pull Wei Wuxian into a searing kiss.

Wei Wuxian is beginning to wonder if this is really qualifying as kidnapping anymore.



“Yes, Clan Leader Jiang.”


“Yes, Clan Leader Jiang. It is most regrettable, but the Yiling Patriarch has once again kidnapped His Excellency. However, we have every confidence in His Excellency’s safe eventual return.”

“Of course you do,” Jiang Cheng says bitterly. “You get a more agreeable Chief Cultivator, and everyone is happy, right? You are all so happy the Yiling Patriarch kidnaps the Chief Cultivator on a regular basis. How can you not delight in the fact that Wei Wuxian has no shame and is revered for it? Aren’t you all thrilled, thrilled, that Lan Wangji is such good friends with Wei Wuxian that they spend so many friendly nights together and His Excellency returns like a lovesick fool afterwards and is so conveniently more agreeable?”


“I hate you all,” Jiang Cheng declares and stomps off.


“Wei Ying,” Lan Zhan whispers, thrusting again, and Wei Wuxian can barely breathe, every exhale a ragged moan.

Lan Zhan, he wants to say, wants to plead, wanting more, wanting everything, wanting Lan Zhan.

“Wei Ying,” Lan Zhan whispers again, thrusting again. His eyes are bright, so bright, never looking away.

I love you, Wei Wuxian thinks, arching into the thrust, feeling Lan Zhan’s arms and body steady him. In his head, he dares voice what he doesn’t dare say. I love you, I love you, I love you. Lan Zhan, I love you.

“Wei Ying,” Lan Zhan breathes, shuddering as he comes, and Wei Wuxian feels himself come apart in his arms too, the pleasure as bright as Lan Zhan’s eyes. “Wei Ying.”

“Lan Zhan, I love you,” Wei Wuxian murmurs without thinking, and drifts off.


“What do you mean His Excellency has returned already? It’s only been a day!”

“I don’t know,” Nie Huaisang says. The others stare at him in panic.

“What if they had a falling out?” someone asks, looking horrified by the prospect.

“No,” another replies, trying to sound confident. “Hanguang Jun has never wavered in his support and friendship with Wei Wuxian after he returned. Surely nothing can come between them.”

“Then why would he return? We planned... I mean, we thought that His Excellency would stay… eh…. Kidnapped… for at least a week, probably two.”

The cultivator that broke the news holds up a hand. “There is more. His Excellency did return, but he did not return alone.”

Ah, Nie Huaisang thinks faintly. Took them long enough.


Wei Wuxian is used to waking up in different ways. He’s been kissed awake many times, even fucked awake one memorable time, woken up with Lan Zhan just holding him, waking up to Lan Zhan playing his guquin, waking up to breakfast, waking up to being given a bath.

Waking up to find himself in Lan Zhan’s lap in Lan Zhan’s office is new. As is waking up with his hands tied together with Lan Zhan’s forehead ribbon. Lan Zhan must have carried him here from the cottage during the night, he realizes, but everything else he isn’t sure how to make sense of.

“Eh,” he says. “Lan Zhan?”


“What?” he says, not sure how to formulate the question beyond that.

“I am no longer being kidnapped,” Lan Wangji says, and Wei Wuxian swallows. Ah. He always knew it couldn’t last. He just hoped it might last longer than this.

“I see,” he says, voice low. “You figured out the sects were setting all this up to keep you distracted for a while.”


“I’m sorry,” Wei Wuxian whispers. “I figured it out too. I know I shouldn’t have gone along with it. I just… I just missed being with you. Are you mad?”

“No,” Lan Wangji says firmly, and Wei Wuxian takes comfort in that, at least. “Knew from the start.”

“Oh,” Wei Wuxian says. He glances down at his wrists, frowning. Why is he tied up exactly? “Lan Zhan?”

“I am no longer being kidnapped,” Lan Wangji says softly. “Wei Ying is.”

“…” Wei Wuxian just stares up at him. He tries to wrap his head around that. “Lan Zhan?”

Lan Wangji leans down and kisses him, kisses him long and hard and breathless, caressing his wrists all the while. It makes Wei Wuxian’s head swim, and does nothing to reduce his confusion.

There is a knock on the door. Softly, Lan Wangji breaks the kiss and straightens, but he doesn’t let go of Wei Wuxian.

“Enter,” he says formally, and Jiang Cheng steps into the room.

Jiang Cheng, Wei Wuxians thinks, and watches his brother’s face darken at the sight in front of him. Quite the sight, Wei Wuxian imagines. He’s on Lan Zhan’s lap, hands tied and if he looks even close to how kissed he feels, then… well. Quite the sight.

He can’t help the laugh that spills out of him, so he simply turns his head and laughs into Lan Zhan’s shoulder. He can practically hear his brother scowl.

“Clan Leader Jiang,” Lan Wangji says formally.

Jiang Cheng just groans.

“I have informed the others I will no longer serve as Chief Cultivator,” Lan Wangji says, and Wei Wuxian feels his laughter die in his throat. What? What? “They will ask you to fill the role in my absence.”

“What?” Jiang Cheng says dumbly.

“What?” Wei Wuxian says as well. “Lan Zhan, didn’t you do this to fulfill the promise we made? To do good?”

“Hn,” Lan Wangji says. “Done all I can here. Promise better fulfilled elsewhere.”

Ah, Wei Wuxian thinks. Lan Zhan is truly the best man he knows, good and decent and noble and kind – but he is not, and never will be, much of a people person and a Chief Cultivator really needs to be. Lan Wangji is… He is a Wei Ying-person, Wei Wuxian thinks fondly.

“Want to make a new promise now,” Lan Wangji goes on, and Wei Wuxian swallows. Does he mean…?

Jiang Cheng is still staring. “What?”

“Clan Leader, Jiang, I am leaving,” Lan Wangji says, every word clear and pronounced. “I am kidnapping Wei Ying and marrying him, if he is willing.”

Wei Wuxian swears he feels his heart stop for a moment. He is only vaguely aware of Jiang Cheng making some sort of despairing noise and then almost running in his hurry to get out and away. “… Lan Zhan?”

“If Wei Ying is willing,” Lan Wangji whispers. He stares straight ahead, waiting, and Wei Wuxian tries to remember to breathe. It is a question, he realizes, THE question, the question he never dared ask Lan Zhan himself, and certainly never dared hope Lan Zhan would ask.

“With Lan Zhan, always willing,” he manages to say, and leans up to press kisses against Lan Zhan’s jaw. “I love you. You’re… You’re so good and wonderful and you. I just want to be with you. Kidnap me forever, Lan Zhan. Never let me go.”

“Hn,” Lan Zhan says very softly. “Never.”

Wei Wuxian can feel himself beaming. He’s so happy he feels utterly silly. “The Yiling Patriarch in the hands of Hanguang Jun himself. How shameless! How scandalous!”

“Hn,” Lan Zhan says, slightly exasperated and mostly just happy. He tilts his head down and kisses Wei Ying tenderly, so very tenderly. “I love you, Wei Ying.”

Yes, Wei Wuxian thinks, and shifts on Lan Zhan’s lap to let himself be kissed more thoroughly. “Lan Zhan, you truly have kidnapped me as shamelessly as I did you.”


“Will you be ravishing me as shamelessly?”

“No,” Lan Zhan says, and Wei Wuxian has a moment to feel disappointed. “More so.”

Ah, Wei Wuxian thinks happily - very, very happily, in fact.


“It is truly a shame Hanguang Jun stepped away from being Chief Cultivator.”

“Oh, truly, truly.”

“However, we cannot fault such dedication as Hanguang Jun has to the Yiling Patriach. It is admirable.”

“Truly, truly.”

“Lan Wangji is such a noble and righteous man. Such a good example to all.”

“Truly, truly.”

Everyone nods happily. Nie Huaisang taps his fan.

“Now, he can be a good example elsewhere,” someone says, and everyone breathes a sigh of relief and feels like all is right in the cultivation world.

Nie Huaisang gives them a month.


It takes three weeks before the cultivation world is driven to despair again.

Chief Cultivator Jiang Cheng is an outright terror. His temper has always been short, yes, but the events of the last few months seem to have made him so irritable just breathing in his presence can be enough to earn his ire.

Nie Huaisang finds it privately rather amusing. This is revenge, he knows, Jiang Cheng’s petty revenge for the past few months. A very effective revenge, he has to admit, watching his fellow sect leaders and cultivators grow increasingly panicked that this might be a lasting state of affairs.

A few cultivators even talk loudly about missing Hanguang Jun. After all, to keep him agreeable, they would just need to keep Wei Wuxian close by. If only… If only.

Alas, too late now. Now, the cultivation world must live on, miserably ever after (or at least for a while), while Lan Wangji and Wei Wuxian lives happily and marriedly ever after.

Most inconvenient.