Mission Log – Day 1
Agent in Charge: Will Brandt
Following repeated conferences, Agents Brandt and Stickell have decided to take direct action to combat what has been referred to in previous log entries simply as “The Problem.”
Lovestruck Fool #1, Ethan Hunt (henceforth referred to as Subject H), and Lovestruck Fool #2, Benji Dunn (henceforth referred to as Subject D), have given us no choice but to intervene. I fear extreme measures may have to be taken.
Operational financing extracted from the Coffee Fund (note: I launch official objection, am overruled by Luther. Revenge to be taken at a later date), not subject to overview or taxation.
Mission goal: Induce concrete admission of mutual romantic desire between subjects. No PDA required to confirm, however, it is expected (note: Agent Brandt will receive $20 from Agent Stickell as per their bet if Subjects H and D are making out mid-mission by the end of the month.)
Mission Log – Day 2
Agent in Charge: Brandt
Status: Active, Surveillance Mode
Subject D takes call from his mother. Subject H smiles at Subject D during this period, like he hung the damn moon. Agents Stickell and Brandt could start hula-dancing on the table during this time, and we suspect neither subject would notice.
Subject H’s levels of smitten-ness are becoming lethal to anyone within a thirty-foot radius. Except, of course, to Subject D, whose obliviousness is so powerful, it should be weaponized.
Secondary observation: Subject D’s ringtone is “Toxic” by Britney Spears (embarrassing).
>> Log note: Song still stuck in head four hours later. Dispense appropriate retribution through repeated plays of “Never Gonna Give You Up.”
Surveillance period of op cancelled, due to extremely hazardous conditions—at any given time, the levels of pining are capable of inducing toxic shock in nearby observers. As such, Agents Stickell and Brandt have been trading off time with the subjects in order to reduce exposure levels.
Mission Log – Day 3
Agent in Charge: Will
Status: Active (regrettably)
Today’s attempt (Plan C) unsuccessful. Significant amount of operating budget now rotting in the garbage, in the form of a dozen red roses which were carefully placed on Subject D’s desk with a highly-skilled forgery of Subject H’s handwriting on the note. Pollen allergies were not predicted.
Mission Log – Day 4
Operation: Cannot Confirm Nor Deny The Absurdity of This Whole Endeavor, previously known as Nightingale
Agent in Charge: Howdy Doody
Plan D: Subjects H and D were conveniently trapped in an elevator, to be freed after a suitable amount of time had passed (and ideally, heavy petting had occurred). Subject H apparently found this unacceptable. Subject H performed a series of gymnastic acts to escape the well-sealed elevator, then displayed an admittedly impressive show of strength in scaling the elevator shaft. He shortly thereafter freed Subject D.
We briefly hoped that this act of heroism would be sufficient to throw Subject D into Subject H’s arms—this hope was thwarted when they shook hands and parted ways, with so much sexual tension in the air you could’ve cut it with a knife.
Luther would be pulling his hair out if he had any, I am considering committing acts of grave violence. We are running out of schemes.
>> Log note: would it be more efficient to simply drop one or both of the subjects down an elevator shaft and let god sort it out? Perhaps….
Mission Log – Day 7
Operation: Kill Them Before They Kill You, previously known as Cannot Confirm Nor Deny The Absurdity of This Whole Endeavor
Agent in Charge: local idiot named Will
Status: A bitch is TIRED
Plan F was a COMPLETE FAILURE.
Agent Brandt sustained injury (black eye and bruised ego). Agent Stickell suspects that Subject H is cottoning on. Cottoning on to what, however, is up for debate: we believe he suspects this has something to do with our actual jobs (re: statecraft, because in theory, we are actual spies) rather than a Conspiracy to Bring About True Love Between Idiots.
>> Official log note: Agents Brandt and Stickell are NOT working for the Syndicate or any covert agency other than the one we’re legally employed by. We’re just really fucking annoyed.
Mission Log – Day 12
Operation: A Goddamn Bitch of an Unsatisfactory Situation, previously known as Kill Them Before They Kill You
Agent in Charge: Taking the 5th
Status: Only God Can Save Us Now
Lines have been crossed. I went through another man’s underwear drawer, for the cause. I know things I should not. Where will this end? And at what cost?
Mission Log – Day 15
Operation: Continuing to Be a Goddamn Bitch of an Unsatisfactory Situation
Agent in Charge: Brandt Needs Some Brandy
Designation: Official(ly the reason I drink)
Status: seeking guidance from a higher power
We’ve called in the big guns. An outside consultant.
Consultant Ilsa Faust entered the firing range and approached the subjects. Her attempt (Plan J) neared success; only some truly spectacular last-minute stupidity from Subject H derailed the effort.
>> Log note: Agents in charge of op are considering abandoning ship. We survive the day only through plotting revenge. Merely inflicting grievous bodily harm on Subject H or Subject D for their sins would be insufficient at this point. Razing their homes would be more appropriate.
Mission Log – Day 16
Operation: Literally Why Have We Done This to Ourselves, previously known as A Goddamn Bitch of an Unsatisfactory Situation
Agent in Charge: The Agent Previously Known as Will
Designation: May God Have Mercy on Our Souls
Status: Seeking the Sweet Release of Death
At today’s meeting, I suggested simply holding a gun to their heads and demanding they admit their feelings for each other. Luther reminded me that the last time I tried to hold a gun to Ethan’s head I was quickly and efficiently ‘knocked on my ass’ (rude).
Ilsa has brought in further expert assistance, Agent Jane Carter (note for future reference: definitely some sapphic activity occurring there. Tell Luther ‘I told you so.’)
>> Log note: Is it that we, Agents Stickell and Brandt, are not fit to work for an organization that specializes in impossible missions….or is it that no mission has been truly impossible before this one?
Mission Log – Day 18
Agent in Charge: William “Gonna Sleep for a Year” Brandt
Designation: It’s OVER, it’s FINALLY OVER
Status: FUCK YEAH
SWEET, SWEET VICTORY
>>>>> Annotated Surveillance Transcript:
Location: Subject D’s office
Agent Carter: [knocks on door] Why, hello there, Benji...
Subject D: Um, hello, Jane. Er, Agent Carter. Can I help you with something?
C: Well, I sure hope so... [leans across desk to adjust Subject D’s tie]
D: Is it…is this a computer-related problem, that I can help you with. I hope.
C: Not exactly. [C sits on desk, crosses legs, and lets her high-heeled feet rest across Subject D’s lap.]
[Annotator’s note: If Subject D begins experiencing heart palpitations because of the unexpected proximity of Agent C’s shapely and highly trained legs, the IMF is NOT liable for damages.]
D: Um. Jane—er, Agent. I feel like there’s been some sort of miscommunication—
C: Let’s stop playing games. [C flattens both palms to Subject D’s chest.] You and I both know that we want the same thing.
[Subject H arrives, coming through door without knocking.] [Annotator’s note: where did he come from? Subject H isn’t visible on any other surveillance prior to arrival??]
H: What’s going on in here?
C: Nothing. It’s personal.
D: Personal? [Subject D tries to move away, Agent C follows.] [Annotator’s note: recommend Carter for citation of valor in the face of extreme danger, i.e. Subject H’s raging jealousy.]
D: Seriously, Ethan, I think she might’ve been drugged or something...
[H moves in and checks C’s pulse, moves a finger back and forth in front of her eyes]
H: I think she’s fine.
C: [pushes Ethan firmly away] I am fine. I’ve just finally realized what I want. [She links her arm with Subject D’s. Subject D appears to be having a near-death experience.]
[And staring. SO MUCH staring.]
C: Unless. Of course. There’s some reason that this bothers you. [Agent C stares so pointedly at Subject H it’s a wonder he’s not suffering from stab wounds.]
H: Why would it bother me? [Annotator’s note: frustrated yelling can be heard in playback here, accidentally picked up from observing agents.] If you’re happy, and Benji’s happy, then I’m happy.
[Agent Stickell leaves the observation booth. Agent Brandt does NOT abandon his post.]
[Agent S arrives on scene.]
S: I swear to god, Ethan, I regret every time I’ve ever saved your life.
D: Luther, when did you get here?
[Agent S grabs Subject H by the shirt front and shakes him, hard.]
S: STOP trying to be the better man, you absolute fool, and fight for him!
[Silence. Agent Brandt wishes he had popcorn to go with this show.]
D: Has. Has everyone been drugged.
[Consultant Faust arrives on the scene.] [Annotator’s note: again, Ilsa was nowhere on cams before now. How is this accomplished??? Does she even have clearance to be in this building??]
F: I think this has gone on long enough.
C: Oh, I agree.
[Agent S releases Subject H]
H: Does someone want to tell me what the hell’s going on, here?
D: PLEASE. I am very confused, and slightly afraid.
F: I’ll demonstrate. Jane, dear?
[Consultant F gestures towards Agent C with a fond ‘come hither’ sort of motion. Agent Brandt wishes he could be that smooth, and wonders if she’d considering tutoring him in the ways of women.]
[Agent C releases Subject D, moves to hold both of Consultant F’s hands]
F: Jane, I think you’re one of the loveliest people I’ve ever met. You have a brave soul, a kind heart, a wicked sense of humor, and a body to die for. [Consultant F does something with her hand and Agent C’s posterior that is definitely against IMF inter-agent behavioral protocols.]
C: Thank you, Ilsa, I feel the same. May I kiss you now?
F: Yes, I think you’d better.
[They’re still kissing.]
[Annotators note: Agent Brandt would like to state for the record that he averts his eyes at this juncture because he respects women.]
[Agent C and Consultant F break apart. Subject D looks relieved. Subject H hasn’t stopped looking at Subject D since Agent C & Consultant F’s, ahem, tactical maneuver.]
S: [Throws hands in the air] Do you get it now? I hope you do, because I will NOT be demonstrating it again for you.
D: Um...do you know what’s happening, Ethan?
H: I think...I think it probably has something to do with how I’m in love with you.
D: Oh. Well.
[Silence. All observing parties are on the edge of their respective and metaphorical seats.]
D: That’s rather convenient, actually, since I’m in love with you, too.
[Repressed squeal of delight from Agent C. Repressed, and very manly, squeal of delight from Agent Brandt in the observation booth.]
H: You. Uh. Could you...repeat that?
D: Er, yes. I am, have been for a while actually, pretty badly in love with you. Head over heels. So.
[They twiddle their thumbs for a minute. The other occupants of the room lock eyes with each other and know, in their souls, that if any of them broke and killed Subjects H or D in that moment, they would cover for one another.]
D: D’you think, maybe, um, if you have a moment, you could…you know, if it’s quite convenient, s’fine if it’s not, but um…could you maybe come over here and kiss me?
[Subject H blinks. Subject H vaults the desk and grabs Subject D’s face with an impressive amount of tenderness considering his velocity.]
S, C, and F: [in unison] FINALLY!
[High fives are exchanged, at least one wolf whistle splits the air.]
[The subjects kiss some more. Annotators note: Agent Brandt does not avert his eyes because he has EARNED this moment, dammit.]
[Onlookers begin to evacuate the area, realizing with dawning horror that this might be somehow worse than the pining.]
[They’re still kissing. Agent Brandt contemplates his own loneliness.]
S [directed at the surveillance camera in the hall]: Y’know what, Brandt, I think I’ll just pay up those twenty bucks right now, we’re clearly going to be living in hell for the foreseeable future. [Annotator’s note: Agent Brandt begins planning Agent Stickell’s murder.]
[Subjects finally break apart.]
D [sputtering, pointing at camera]: Is Will watching—wait, is he recording this?
[H pulls a small knife from his boot.]
[Agent Brandt leaves the observation booth and considers packing a bag and fleeing to Rio.]
Final Mission Status on Operation: Crazy, Stupid, Love