Forty people. You killed forty people.
It’s been two days.
You both haven’t slept.
You’ve remained balled up in a corner, trembling.
There is a bowl next to you, in case you puke again.
You haven’t eaten anything in the last forty-eight hours so you have nothing to puke.
But that doesn’t stop you from dry heaving and throwing up saliva and bile.
You feel the tears roll down your eyes, but you don’t sob.
Intense pain covers your entire body.
Whether it be from starving yourself, being incredibly tense, or heartbroken, you don't know.
But it makes you feel immensely guilty.
How dare you feel anything, how dare you feel sorry for yourself that your body aches.
How could you after what happened to those poor, innocent people?
How can you just let yourself feel the pain when those people can’t even feel anything anymore.
There were kids. Teens. Young adults. Elders.
All looking on you with beloved eyes. They trusted you.
And you killed them.
You robbed them of their lives and from their families.
Children are without parents now.
The young will never get to live their life.
People who loved those you poisoned will never get to say goodbye.
And you just ran.
You couldn’t think.
After the first few people fell, you froze. A deep fear taking over you.
You were in disbelief.
Sazed ran into the kitchen and was able to snap you out of it, barely.
You didn’t know what to do, so you just helped him gather the things when he said it was time to go.
The two of you left a few things behind in a hurry, but you were gone in ten minutes.
Now you’re on the run.
You wish you had just tasted the food.
You wish you were the one to die.
Your pathetic and useless soul was spared in contrast to the lives of literal children.
How can you live with yourself?
How can you just go on with your life when all these innocent people have been robbed of that right because of you?
You continue to tremble in the corner of the kitchen.
Your lifeless eyes stare at the wall in front of you.
But you feel the stagecoach comes to a stop.
It hasn’t stopped for two days.
You hope there aren’t any civilizations nearby.
The only light is coming from the windows to the bedroom, which connects to the driving area, and the window outside of the coach.
Otherwise, you're in a stuffy, dark room, on a cold tile floor.
You’re still bundled up in a ball.
Sazed comes into the room, and for the first time in two days, you have company.
He’s pale, also with large bags under his eyes.
“What happened, Taako?” he asks quietly.
You open your mouth but nothing comes out for two minutes.
Finally, you manage to say something.
“I-I t-think I t-transmuted s-something w-wrong.”
Your shaking uncontrollably.
Their death rattles echo in your mind.
“Why didn’t you taste the food before handing it out?” Sazed asks emotionlessly.
“...I-I d-don’t know. I w-wish I did. I wish it was me.” you manage, tears continuing to spill.
He slams his hand on the counter.
“You don’t know?! Taako! We’re criminals. Forty people are dead because of you!” he screams.
You feel like your going to choke.
You begin to sob.
You wish it was you.
“I-I’m sorry... I would have…” you try.
You feel a large foot give a sharp kick to your chest, losing your breath for almost a minute.
Your ribs feel like their bleeding internally.
You pray you’re dying.
“You’ve ruined my life, Taako. Do you understand that?"
You sob, the pain in your chest growing immensely as you do.
You can’t breathe, you hope you pass out.
God, your so pathetic, hoping to fall unconscious or die to escape your problems.
“I-I’m sorry… Sazed, I’m so sorry I-”
Sazed slams your head against the cabinet.
A blinding white-light fills your senses.
A sharp pain shoots through your head.
“Do you know how pathetic you are? Do you know how worthless you are, Taako?”
You nod, barely.
You don’t process what happens next very well.
The pain from your ribs and head are intense and overpowering, but you do notice Sazed picking you up and placing you on the bed.
He grabs a belt and ties your hands to the bed frame above you.
You scream and try to fight as he does so.
But you know he’s stronger.
You know you deserve this.
He tells you so over and over again.
And you believe him.
It’s so unbelievably painful.
He doesn’t prepare you at all.
You scream and try to fight, but deep down you know that this is what you deserve.
You deserve to be hurt like this and to suffer.
You feel yourself start to lose consciousness multiple times but you don’t pass out.
When it’s over, you lay there trembling.
The brute unties your hands and throws his belt to the side.
Sazed kisses you, roughly and turns over to lay next to you.
“Nobody will ever love you. Never again."
He holds you close.
Despite your body being in pain nearly everywhere you feel yourself drift off into sleep.
When you wake up, Sazed is gone.
He left no food or money behind and he left the place a huge mess.
You’re alone again.
When you find out the truth through the chalice.
You can’t process it.
Your first thought is “Hey! Not my fault after all!”
So you stick with that. For some reason, you’re able to put your brain on pause to save Refuge.
And you do.
But you keep running from it.
Hours become days, days become nearly three weeks.
Until you break.
He tried to kill you.
And when it didn’t work, he raped you and told you that you deserved it.
How could you let that happen to yourself?
You let him hit you. You let him hurt you.
You barely put up a fight.
You never questioned him. You just believed that it was your fault.
When you finally allow yourself to process what happened with Glamour Springs, you cry and cry.
You stay in your room for two days straight.
Magnus and Merle are concerned.
They could assume you were running from something you saw in the chalice, so when it finally caught up to you, they were ready.
But you didn’t let them help.
You sulked in your room.
The only two people you saw were Kravitz and Angus.
You called Kravitz about halfway through the first day.
You told him that you were going through an emergency and you needed some support, so he came to you.
He held you as you cried and cried.
He laid with you for hours, holding your hand and stroking your hair.
Whispering soft promises and reassuring you that everything was going to be okay.
You didn’t tell him what you saw, you didn’t tell him anything.
You asked him not to press you.
He wanted to know, but he reluctantly respected your wish.
Kravitz only stayed with you for about three hours.
He was relaxed for most of your time together, but eventually, he said he had to get back to work.
You kissed him goodbye and cried when he left.
On the second day, Magnus and Merle tried to wake you up for training in the morning.
You said you weren’t feeling up to it and they didn’t argue with you.
You fell back asleep but were woken by a knock on your door at around noon.
The knock was from Angus McDonald.
He had heard you weren’t doing well and he had come to visit you.
Also, you missed the wizard training the day before.
Another wave of guilt passed over you when you heard you forgot.
So you let him in your room.
The two of you read his favorite books together.
Angus tries to play therapist with you, but you refuse.
You’re not going to dump all that emotional baggage onto a ten-year-old.
Your time with Angus was the best you’d felt in the two days.
Talking to the kid was therapeutic for you.
You start to do stuff the day after.
You slowly get back to normal.
The shock and trauma of learning something that awful still affected you after, obviously, but you’re able to live with it.
When you save the world and reunite with your sister.
Within the first few days of you being together again, you tell her everything.
You tell her about the timid half-elf who sweet-talked you into trusting him.
You told her about how he abused you repeatedly during the two years the two of you were together.
You told her about Glamour Springs and what Sazed did to you.
You told her about how you couldn’t cook.
How the mere mention of poison was triggering for you and how you went out of your way to buy a salt shaker to detect it.
You told her about the liches that stole the one thing you believed you would always have, your beauty.
You knew she had seen the latter stuff, but you just wanted to tell her how much it affected you.
And she seethed with anger as you told her what happened to you while the two of you were separated.
She vowed to destroy Sazed.
She promised you that she would protect you, just like she did when you were young.
You were always the one that was afraid.
Always the weak and delicate one.
You always were the one to get yourself into trouble.
Lup saved and protected you many times during your childhood.
She kicked the ass of anyone who threatened the two of you.
So when you forgot about her, it was debilitating.
But you also forgot how to defend yourself, too.
It was also Lucretia’s fault.
She made you forget your heart.
She made you forget how to protect yourself.
If Lucretia hadn’t wiped your memory, you would have protected yourself.
You would never have been beaten and raped by that monster.
You wouldn’t have even needed him around.
You wish there was something you could do.
But it’s okay, right?
You have your sister.
You saved the world.
You’re with your best friends.
You have a wonderful boyfriend who loves you and a darling apprentice who looks up to everything you do.
And your a rich, talented superstar.
But you know the things that plagued your childhood are going to haunt you forever.
The things that damaged you during the time without your sister are going to hurt you forever.