It was one of these days. When your head was so fucked up and playing tricks on you. And you are so tired. So fucking tired.
Mentally and physically.
You just returned from a fucked up mission. Well, it was supposed to be an easy one. But no. No. You had to fuck everything up. You couldn't even had to look at the others to see their disappointed faces. You could feel them on you. Through the whole flight home you kept your head down. Not wanting to talk to anyone.
Not even Bucky.
Poor guy, tried desperately to talk to you and calm you down, but you refused to even look at him. He understood. From first hand knew that feeling. But he heard you. He heard your struggling heart beat. The little trembles and the small sobs, that were escaping your mouth.
When the quinjet landed, you run outside like there was no tomorrow. You needed to be at your room, immediately.
Bucky tried to come after you, Natasha and Steve stopping him from doing so, saying it was better to give you time. He didn't want to leave you alone on your dark times. He knew that you needed something, someone, to hold on. He had to find you. Be with you. Hold you.
You were on the floor, on the edge of the bed. Crying. Knees on your chest and hands hugging them tightly. Your room was so dark. So small. So lonely. You felt your breath cutting from your lungs when the voices came.
You hated them.
You couldn't think straight when they were talking so loud. Saying; you'll never be enough. You'll never be like them. They are gods. You are a nothing. You are just a pathetic stray that was peeked from the road. You. Are. Nothing.
"God, please stop." You tried to say between your sobs. It was pointless.
You will die alone. Don't expect them keeping you. They'll kick you out the next time you do something wrong. They'll leave you without even thinking about it. He would be with a burden less. He will be free from your petty ass. He will never love you. 'Cause who's looking at someone so broken? Who will give you a second glance. You. Are. A. NOTHING.
"Please. Oh god. Please stop" you silently cried again, keeping your head between your knees.
You believed them. Them voices were so convincing. You believed every word they said. You couldn't get them out of your mind. You couldn't let the team see you weak, so you couldn't tell them about it.
Only Bucky knew. He've seen you. In one really stressful mission that was too far from home. He had hold you, after you told him a thousand times no, he had hold you. He didn't judged you. He just held you until you fell asleep. Oh, it was the most peaceful sleep you've ever had. In his arms, you felt safe.
The knock at your door scared you and you shot your head up.
"Doll, can I please come in?" Bucky. Ohh Buck. I wish I could let you in. You thought to your self.
He'll pity you. Don't let him in.
"Go away!" You shouted, half hearted.
"Sweetheart, you know I won't leave if you don't open the door." He said, tapping slightly the door.
"Buck, please leave." Your voice was so weak. He thanked god that he had enchanted hearing, to hear your small and tired voice.
"Doll, please I need to know you'll alright. And I'm pretty sure you're not. Please. Let me help you." You could hear the worry in his voice.
Those damn voices told you to stay were you are. But you didn't want to. You wanted him. You needed him.
Slow steps opened his eyes wide. A little hope hiding behind them. And then you opened the door and his heart stopped. You were still on your bloodstained suit. Hair still dirty. And your eyes... Oh those pretty eyes, that he so loved were full of pain. And your pretty face tearstained, lips and eyes puffy from crying.
He immediately pulled you in his arms. He had taken a bath. You smelled his shampoo and the fresh washed T-shirt. Steve had to push him in the bathroom so he would take a bath. When he just wanted to be with you.
A metal arm on your back and one on your head, keeping it close to his heart. He kissed multiple times the top of your head, saying soothing words to calm you down. Your hands were around his waist holding him close, not wanting to let go, crying.
You couldn't keep yourself on your feet and you fell on your knees. He followed you. Keeping you close.
"I'm right here sweetheart. I'm not letting you go." He whispered in your ear.
You don't know how much time had passed, but you stopped crying and you rose your head to face him. He smiled down at you softly.
"Do you want to take a bath and then go to bed? I know you don't want to talk about it yet. We can talk in the morning. Take a walk or just stay here. Whatever you want. Just please, let me help you bath and take you to bed." He quietly said, pushing some hair out of your face.
You wanted to cry again. He was so sweet and kind. You thought you didn't deserve his kindness. But you couldn't deny him. So you just nodded.
He took your hand in his and guide you to the bathroom. He filled the tub with hot water, just how you like it. He put your favorite bath bomb and let you undress your self. Your movements were really slow. You didn't had the strength to do it more quickly.
He heard you struggling to get in the bath. He turned and gave you a hand to hold on, his gaze never leaving your eyes. You settled in and he started washing your hair.
You felt so numb. You couldn't even lift your gaze to see the loving emotions his eyes hid when he washed your hair. He then started washing your body. Taking his time on all the places you got hurt. From small scratches on your hand, to the big wound on your stomach. He took his time on your scars from old battles. He took his time at your numb hands, that were hanging on each side of your body. He took his time at your tired legs, that were so bruised from the fighting. He took his time at the curves of your body, that you always said how you so hated them.
He did this to show you how much he loved you. How much every single thing on your body was perfect.
You couldn't understand him. You couldn't understand why he did it.
The water got cold and dirty. He helped you get out of the bath and gave you some underwear and one of his T-shirts. You raised your head, a questionable look on your face.
"I didn't want to dig on your clothes, and I brought you one of my shirts. The underwear were out of your closet. I hope you don't mind." He softly said and you shook your head.
He must had left when you were undressing, you thought and changed on his shirt.
He took one towel and dried your hair a little and then took your hand in his again. He took you to your bed and tackled you in.
"Goodnight, Doll" he whispered and kissed your forehead. He tried to leave, but you pulled his hand.
"Please, stay with me. I don't want to be alone." you said and his heart broke. He gently pushed you further in bed and laid beside you. He pulled you closer to him and putted your head on his chest. Flesh hand drawing circles on your back. Metal arm rubbing gently your hand, that was spread on his stomach. It felt like you were doing this for years. It felt normal. And you felt peaceful. Relaxed. Your eyes started to close, more and more and soon sleep found you curled up together.
The next morning he woke up first. He spent some time admiring you. Your beautiful face. He wanted to keep that picture forever. Your peaceful pretty face right next to his. Legs tangled together and hands holding each other close. He could get used to this. He wanted to wake up every day like this. With you by his side, hugging and kissing him the way you did on your sleep. You had kissed his neck while trying to get further on his hold and he swore it was the best thing that happened in his life and that his heart had left his body right then and there.
You slowly opened your eyes and saw him staring at you. "You're staring" you lightly laughed at him and his just shrugged "I guess I'm enjoying the view" he smirked down at you and you giggled, blushing like crazy.
"How are you feeling?" He asked stroking your cheek. "I think I'm good. Better than yesterday. Thank you."
"You don't need to thank me, doll."
"But I want to. And to thank you more actively, I'll make you breakfast. What do you say?" You smiled at him.
"Doll, you don't have to" he said already defeat in his voice.
"Yes, I do!" Yes you did. You needed distraction from last nights events, and baking was just perfect.
You stood up and dragged him with you in the kitchen. He groaned not wanting to leave bed, but your sweet laugh woke him up.
The kitchen was empty, a note on the fridge saying that half of the team was on a mission and other half didn't want to be woken up. Bucky took it as an opportunity to do something more to light up your mood and show you how much you mean to him.
You had started making the pancakes and you suddenly stopped to listen to the song that started playing.
"What would I do without your smart mouth. Drawing me in, and you kicking me out. Got my head spinning, no kidding, I can't pin you down."
All of me.
You turned around to see Bucky with an extended hand to you. You took it and he pulled you closer to him and started to sway both of you to the rhythm. You hugged him close, keeping your head on his chest. You hadn't realized that he had started to sing the lyrics quietly.
You rose your head and locked your eyes on his. Tears were already falling from your eyes. He meant it.
All of it.
"What's going on in that beautiful mind. I'm on your magical mystery ride. And I'm so dizzy, don't know what hit me, but I'll be alright."
You slightly smiled and didn't know what to do. He was meaning every single word he sang. You knew he meant it. You saw it in his eyes. Oh those beautiful grey-blue orbs said everything you wanted to know.
"Love your curves and all your edges. All your perfect imperfections."
He always said that to you. How your curves and stretch marks made you beautiful. You were just perfect to him. Even the smallest scar that you hated it, he loved it and made sure to show you that he did.
"How many times do I have to tell you.
Even when you're crying you're beautiful too. The world is beating you down, I'm around through every move."
He had told you before, while a movie night when you had started sobbing on an emotional scene "don't look at me, I don't want you to see me like that" you had told him hiding your face, "why? I think you look beautiful" and those god damn butterflies had a whole ass party on your belly.
"My head's under water. But I'm breathing fine. You're crazy and I'm out of my mind."
He couldn't imagine what he might thought, when you never answered him while you had your anxiety attacks or your breakdowns. He was out of his mind for believing in me you thought.
"Cards on the table, we're both showing hearts. Risking it all, though it's hard."
You where still swaying on the rhythm, when you looked up at him finding him staring at your eyes, and he broke the silence. "I love you doll, I love you so freaking much. I can't think of you dealing with this all alone. Knowing that I could help you. Be there for you. I don't want you to be alone. I want to be with you. Helping you. Holding you. Loving you. I love you."
Happy tears filled your eyes. your hands left his waist and went on his chest, standing on your tiptoes you brought your lips almost on his and whispered "I love you too". You had said it so quietly that he thought he imagined it, but when your lips met his, the whole ground got lost under his feet. His lips were soft and danced with yours perfectly, it was like you were doing this forever.
You smelt smoke and you broke away "Oh my god the pancakes" you shouted and pulled away from his embrace and turned to the stove. He laughed and you felt strong arms hugging you from behind, while you removed the burned pancakes, you smiled and bit your lip when you felt a kiss on your neck.
It felt so good. So normal. Like you meant to do this, every day. And you wanted to. You hoped to.