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Spider-Man is a Mistborn? Since When?!

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Alrighty. Let's go over this one last time. My name is Peter Parker. I got bit by a radioactive spider, and for the past year or so, I have been the one and only Spider-Man. To make a long story short, I fought Captain America and his pals Winter Soldier, Falcon, Scarlet Witch, Hawkeye, and Ant-Man in a German airport, I kinda sent my sophomore year homecoming date's dad - who happened to be an illegal alien weapons dealer - to federal prison, and I fought an oversized grape Jolly Rancher from space who somehow got his hands on these things called Infinity Stones and may or may not have erased half the population of my universe. Myself, my girlfriend, and my longtime rival included. And this is the story of how the three of us unlocked dormant abilities and helped the Tony Stark of the Mistborn Sector of the Multiverse overthrow a freaking empire.

I awoke to hear Tessa Stark - my girlfriend - and Flash Thompson - my rival - yelling for me to wake up. I saw how scared they were and leapt into action. I saw towering men with tattoos and gray robes brandishing swords slinking towards us. My Spidey-Senses were going haywire as I webbed the men - obligators, from Brandon Sanderson's Mistborn series - to the walls of a couple nearby buildings.

As I finished the job, I felt someone pull on my Iron Spidey suit, and I went flying, as did Tess and Flash. I internally swore and yelped to my friends, "Remind me to punch that oversized grape Jolly Rancher in the face when we get back!" If we ever got back at all. . . .