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Parenting 101

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Sam stared in horror at what was happening in front of him. 


Dean, Cas and he had been on a hunt. What they thought was one pagan turned into five. All five were women and were from different cultures. Sam identified two Japanese, one Hindu, one Irish and one Native American. 


Dean and Cas were tied up in a circle made of fire. Somehow these goddesses had gotten their hands on holy oil. Sam was tied to a post with spelled handcuffs. Nothing he did could get him out of it. He couldn’t even get them over the top of the post like Tom Cruz in that one movie. The post was capped with a block of cement. Sam’s head just fit under it. 


“Dean!” Sam yelled. “Cas!” 


“Quiet Human. We are doing you a favor.” The Irish goddess spoke. She had flaming red hair tied back in a knot on her head. 


“Favor? What favor?” Sam tugged helplessly on the handcuffs. 


“Shhh!” the Native American goddess hushed. The five goddesses went back to arguing quietly. 


“Enough.” One of the Japanese goddesses spoke. “It is simple. Three and five months.” 


As one the goddesses turned and stared at Dean and Cas. 


The holy fire circle was barely enough for two people to stand inside. The flames roared too high for Dean to jump over. Dean was left standing so close to Cas that their bodies were pressed together from hip to nose. Dean had a fistful of Cas’ jacket to keep from toppling over into the fire. 


“Fine.” The Hindu goddess spoke up. “I still say five and two. But the rest of you want three and five months.” 


Sam didn’t know why they were arguing numbers. 


“Let’s begin.” The other Japanese one spoke up. 


The five women stood around the circle of holy fire and began chanting. Each spoke their own language. 


“No! Dean!” Sam renewed his struggles with the handcuffs. He tried everything, dislocating his thumb to get out, squeezing his hands through, everything he could think of. Nothing worked. Sam watched helpless as his brother and the angel was engulfed in a bright colorful light. 


Sam sagged as the light died down to reveal a pile of clothes. Dean and Cas were nowhere to be found. “What did you do?!” he roared. “Where are they?! If they are dead I swear I will-” 


A loud baby wail stopped Sam from making any threats. The cry sounded panicked and desperate. Sam watched as Cas’ pile moved. A small head topped with messy dark curls popped out of the mess of trench coat and suit. 


“Sam?” Cas’ voice was adorable. It was high for Cas and slightly slurred like he had a lisp. 


“Cas?” Sam’s jaw dropped. 


Cas climbed fully from the pile. He was stark naked. He looked like he only came up to Sam’s knee. 


The baby kept crying in the background. 


“It is finished.” The Japanese goddess who seemed to be in charge spoke. One by one the goddesses teleported out. The handcuffs unclicked when the last one left. The fire died down.


“Sam?” Cas’ lower lip trembled. He began speaking in Enochian. 


“Cas? I can’t speak that. Can you try English?” Sam knelt by the pile of Dean’s clothes. The baby’s cries seemed like it came from there. Sam sorted through the flannel and jeans to find a small infant bawling. 


The baby had green eyes and soft blond hair. Tears ran down his face and his eyes were red rimmed. 


Sam nearly jumped as small fingers grabbed his side. 


“Sam?” that seemed to be all Cas could say in English. 


Sam swaddled Dean as best as he could in the flannel shirt. Baby Dean made coos and grabbed at something Sam couldn’t see. 


“Castiel?” Sam held out Dean’s undershirt. “Can you put this on?” 


Cas nodded and grabbed the shirt. His blue eyes watered as he slipped it over his head. It draped like a dress on him. 


Cas began speaking Enochian again. “ Gabriel I oaia. Gabriel ol qus. ” (Where is Gabriel? I want Gabriel)

Sam could only understand one word. “Gabriel? You want Gabriel?” Sam looked down at the baby angel. He scooped up Dean from the floor. 


Cas’ dark curls bobbed as he nodded his head. 


“Let’s get home first before we see Gabriel.” Sam thought of the archangel that stood up to Lucifer and was never seen again. Sam didn’t know if he was dead or alive. Dean wouldn’t let him go back to check. 


“Home?” Cas spoke in English. 


“Yes Cas. Home.” Sam held out his hand. Cas lifted his arms like he expected to be carried. 


It took some finesse but Sam had Cas held on his hip and Dean tucked in his arm. Sam froze as he realized something. How was he gonna drive the impala with a baby that looked less than seven months old and a four year old with no booster seats? 


To make matters worse, Cas started squirming when he saw the car and started screaming for something in Enochian.


“Whoa! Cas? What?” Sam nearly dropped Dean. He dipped and set Cas on his feet. The baby angel scampered back into the warehouse, heedless of the glass and rocks scattered around the floor. Sam followed Cas to see him run right for his trench coat. He grabbed it in one tiny fist and began pulling. 


“Sam?” Cas said a word that Sam was pretty sure was help in Enochian. 


Sam draped the trench coat over his shoulder and scooped up the angel. “Ready to go now Cas?”


The small boy nodded his head into Sam’s shoulder. Sam headed back for the impala. Dean’s keys and wallet were in his pockets. 


Sam set down Cas and opened the impala doors. He was pretty sure Cas had to be in the back. “Get in Cas.” 


Cas crawled into the back without a word. Sam looked down at Dean. “What am I gonna do with you?” Sam sighed. 


In the end, Sam drove with Dean tucked on his lap as he headed for the nearest Walmart. It was probably highly illegal but then again so was pretending to be FBI. 


Sam was lucky the town the goddesses decided on doing this in was a fairly big one. No witnesses they talked to should be at this store. 


Sam pulled into the parking lot. “Okay Cas. We need to get some supplies. I need you to be good. I will get you a treat if you are.” 


Cas nodded. “Sam?” Cas spoke the word help again. 


Sam unlocked the back door and picked up Cas. He hoped that the false story of airsickness plus lost suitcases would work. Cas couldn’t wear Dean’s undershirt forever. 


Sam put Cas in the basket and strapped Dean in the child's seat of the shopping cart. He went straight for the baby section. He needed car seats, bottles, formula, clothes, diapers, maybe a stroller and a few other things. 


Sam felt lost. Dean was crying in the seat, Cas was whimpering in the cart and whispering in Enochian, and the stupid baby bottles had so many different kinds that he felt ready to scream. 


“Need help?” A blonde woman pushing a cart with a toddler buckled in the seat looked at him with pity. 


“Yeah. Thanks.” Sam breathed out. He had already told the story to the staff. Cas was allowed to wear a set of clothes. Sam had picked out dark pants and a white shirt. Cas seemed happy enough with it. 


“First off how old is this little cutie.” The woman smiled down at Dean. 


Dean, being the flirt he is smiled hugely at her. 


“Aw. You better watch out for that one. He’s gonna be a heartbreaker.” The woman grinned. 


Sam realized what the goddesses were arguing about. “Cas is three and Dean is five months.” Sam nodded to the dark haired little boy. 


“Oh? Then you want this one.” The woman handed Sam a package of bottles and nipples. “Also you want Enfamil formula. I know everyone says Gerber is better but really, Enfamil is the best. And for diapers you want Luvs. Huggies make most kids rash out and Pampers sort of do the same.” 


The woman led Sam off to the formula section while talking. She handed Sam a box of powdered formula. “How do you make it?” Sam read the back of the box. 


The woman smiled sympathetically. “It’s one scoop for every two ounces of water. Make sure the water is warm, not hot. You don’t want to burn this little cutie’s mouth.” 


“Thanks so much.” Sam handed the box to Cas. Cas frowned at it before setting it down. 


“You got it. Have a good day.” The woman went around the shelves and vanished. 


“Sam!” Cas reached for a display. He uttered the word Sam now knew to be coat. The smallest tan trench coat sat on a hanger in the store. It was the only one left. 


“I don’t know Cas. It might not be your size.” Sam took it off the rack. It was clearly marked in Cas’ size. Maybe a size too big. “Try it on.” Sam took it off the hanger and handed it to Cas. 


Small fingers eagerly snatched it and fumbled to put it on. Sam chuckled and helped Cas stick his arms into the sleeves. “There you go? What do you think?” 


Cas squinted at the fabric with his huge blue eyes. Little hands ran down the coat sides. Cas looked at Sam and gave a toothy grin. Cas spoke a new word in Enochian. Sam noted the tone seemed pleading. 


“Okay Cas. We’ll get it.” Sam took off the tags and added them to the small pile from the previous clothes. 


Sam headed for the car seats section. Dean was still crying. Sam knew he must be starving. The last time they ate was lunch and that was almost ten hours ago. 


“Shhh, Dean. We’ll eat as soon as I am done.” Sam put his hand on Dean’s tiny one. 


Dean babbled at Sam. His face screwed up when all that came from his mouth was gibberish. 


“What do you think of this one?” Sam pointed to a carseat with orange flames and black fabric. 


Dean studied it. He must have spotted something better because he screeched and tried reaching for a seat with tan and hunter green. 


“You want that one?” Sam pulled it down. 


Dean squealed and tried reaching for it again. Sam studied it. It seemed sturdy and safe enough. Sam added it to the cart. 


“Your turn Cas. Do you see one you like?” Sam pushed the cart along the row of older kids seats. 


Cas studied each one in turn before pointing to a solid gold one. He shouted loudly in Enochian. “Okay Cas. Quiet voice please.” Sam winced. That was really vocal. Sam put the booster seat in the cart. “Okay. Almost done. Clothes for Dean and then we’re out of here.” 


Sam went along the rows of baby clothes. He picked out a few onesies with monkeys and giraffes on them. He found a couple footie sleepers with elephants and came across a couple pairs of baby jeans. 


Sam laughed and added a onesie with AC/DC on it to the cart. He got a pair of dark jeans to match. Sam grabbed two packages of socks and sighed. “Done.” 


Cas caught his eye. He only had that one outfit. 


Sam went through the baby clothes again. He picked out a footie sleeper for Cas, a few t-shirts and jeans, and some short style pj’s. 


“Let’s get out of here.” Sam pushed the cart, full of stuff to the front. 


They checked out the total coming to well over $150. Sam was grateful they recently got new credit cards. 


Sam fiddled with Dean’s car seat before managing to strap the baby in securely. Cas was slightly harder but he managed. 


Sam got behind the wheel with a sigh. That was a nightmare. 


“Sam? Food?” Cas sounded out the word carefully. 


Sam checked the time. It was almost ten in the evening. Sam decided to head for the bunker that night.


“Let’s get some food.” Sam pulled into a Mcdonalds. He ordered a cheeseburger happy meal for Cas and some water so he could make Dean’s bottle. 


Sam parked the impala in the parking lot after going through drive through. He made Dean’s bottle and gave Cas his bag. 


Dean cried and tried to grab Cas’ food. 


“No! Dee, no!” Cas pulled his food to the other side of him. 


Sam unbuckled Dean and put the nipple in his mouth. “Come on Dean. Drink it.” 


Dean screwed his face up and wailed. 


“Well, you aren’t getting anything else.” Sam told him when Dean tried reaching for Cas’ burger again. “Look, as soon as you have teeth again I will give you a damn cheeseburger. Until then you are stuck with this.” Sam shoved the bottle nipple back in Dean’s mouth. 


Dean took a tentative suck. Soon he was slurping down the bottle. 


“There you go.” Sam sighed. It was going to be a long night. He wanted to make it to the bunker by morning at least. They were in a town in Colorado. Fort something or other. The town names all ran together at times. 


When Dean was done Sam put him back in the car seat. Cas was about done too so Sam threw the trash away and got back behind the wheel. 


“We’re going home.” Sam stretched his fingers and started driving towards the east. 


Forty minutes down the road Dean began fussing. Sam frowned and turned on the radio to classic rock. He thought Dean didn’t like the soft rock Sam was playing. Soothing strains of Metallica flowed from the speakers. 


Dean wailed and made a gurgling sound that had Sam panicking. It reminded him of when he coughed up blood in the Mystery Spot and endless Tuesdays. 


Sam wrenched the wheel as softly as he could to the side of the road. He frantically got out and pulled open the back door. Dean was crying and staring at Sam with an accusing look in his shiny green eyes. 


“Dean?” Sam held back a wince and gag at the smell coming from the baby. Dean had soiled his diaper and had puke all over his new clothes. Sam remembered that he didn’t burp Dean after eating. It had completely slipped his mind. Sam had never taken care of a baby before. 


Cas was crying softly and cringing away from Dean. He spoke a word in Enochian and curled away with his face pressed to the window. 


Sam unbuckled Dean and laid a towel on the impala seat. Sam stripped him of his clothes and changed Dean’s diaper. He was holding back gags the whole time. “Dude, I have smelled corpses that smell better than you.” 


Dean gave a toothy grin and a “Serves you right” look. 


Sam put Dean into a blue sleeper with elephants on it. He tucked the baby back into the car seat and buckled him back in. “Cas? Do you want to put some pj’s on?” 


Cas shook his head. He clutched his old trench coat closer to him. He whispered a couple words. Sam could only pick out the word Gabriel. 


Sam stared sadly at the little angel. “We’ll get him when we get home.” Sam prayed that the archangel was still alive. It would break his and Cas’ heart if he had to tell him that Gabriel was dead. 


Sam pulled back on the road once more, headed east and to the bunker. Soft classic rock played on the speakers as first Dean then Cas slipped into sleep. 


Sam let the miles slip by under the impala’s wheels as the music played quietly. He hoped that by tomorrow, Dean and Cas would be back to normal.