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Anything You Can Do I Can Do Better

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"Why are we spending the day with Billy again?" Dustin asked whining, even though Steve had explained it to him multiple times already!

Steve sighed and finished packing up the boys stuff from the living room. The Party had spent the night over at his place, stans the girls, and Steve was trying to clean up before Billy arrived with Max and Eleven. He already had Lucas and Mike tidying the kitchen while Will gathered all the blankets and pillows from their sleepover. Dustin, who was supposed to be helping him with gathering their belongings, continued to badger Steve on why he was sending them off into the lions den!

"Dude, it's one day. Billy is gonna watch you guys while I watch Max and El, not that complicated to grasp Dustin."

Dustin groaned, tossing another item into his backpack, "So, what, just cause your ego got hurt that means you throw us all under the bus? What are we supposed to do with that asshole anyway?"

The sudden roar of the camero pulling into the driveway broke the conversation. Steve sent a silent thank you to whoever was listening as he made his way to the front door. Outside, Billy had just stepped out of the car followed by Max and El, bags tossed over their shoulders as they rushed up to the house, Billy following at a leisurely pace.

"Hi, Steve!" Max said dashing around Steve, Eleven hot on her heels after throwing out a quick hello.

Steve grinned and watched the girls fly into the living room to see the boys. The smell of cigarette smoke and leather made him turn to face Billy, standing just at the door, a vicious smirk gracing his lips.

"You sure you wanna do this, Harrington?" Billy asked casually, that damn smirk still in place.

It was stupid, and Steve knows it, but he was not one to back down from a bet, no matter how idiotic it may seem.

This defiantly qualified.

"Scared you'll lose, Hargrove?"

"We'll see how much sass you've got left by morning."

 

Now, you're all probably confused as to what's going on, huh? It's simple really.

Steve was an idiot.

See, simple.

 

This whole thing started days earlier when Billy made an offhanded comment about how Steve was better with the boys than than the girls when it came to babysitting. Steve had taken offence to the low blow because he was a kick ass babysitter, fuck you very much! Sure, he knew that Max and Eleven preferred Billy, for whatever reason, just as the boys always preferred him, but seriously Billy made it sound like watching two girls was super crazy!

Come on, how hard could it be?

Of course, that's when Steve went and opened his big mouth and proposed a bet.

Because, what else do you do when your babysitting skills are put into question?

The bet was simple, 24 hour switch. Billy would take the boys for the day while Steve got the girls. Whoever gave in first would get to pick the losers fate.

Stupid, right?

Well, it didn't matter how stupid it was because it had officially started and Steve would be damned if he lost to Billy Hargrove! Steve Harrington was the ultimate babysitter, there could be only one!

"Boys! Let's go!" Steve called to the rugrats piling into the living room. He could still hear Dustin complaining about the whole thing. If Billy thought he would have trouble with two girls, Steve couldn't wait to see how he survived four boys.

His victory would be glorious.

As the boys trampled down the hall and out the door they called out their goodbyes, piling into the camero with their bags. The girls came up as well and Billy turned to Max to give her a few bills for her and El.

"Alright, you've got the house number, if something happens you call me. Got it?"

"Yep. It's just one night," Max smirked, pocketing the money for later. She and El gave Billy a quick hug before taking off for the living room giggling about what to do first.

After exchanging any numbers Billy might need for the boys, the two shook hands and let the bet begin. Billy walked back towards his car but not before throwing a quick taunt over his shoulder.

"You're not going to survive this war, Harrington!"

"Eat my ass, Hargrove!"

 

Billy got into his camero and turned to the four boys watching him hesitantly. Dustin was sitting shotgun with Mike, Lucas and Will piled in the back. Billy thought about his options for a second before he got an idea.

"All the pizza you guys want if you play Dungeons and Dragons all day, deal?" he asked seriously, already adding up how much food he scrounge up to keep the little shitheads occupied.

Dustin turned to the back and the boys all shared a silent talk. Mike and Lucas nodded, Will shrugged and Dustin seemed to agree. Together they turned back to Billy and said, "Deal."

 


 

 

Steve slammed the front door shut with a huff, already feeling his annoyance rising at Billy's teasing. He was not going to lose this!

He already knew what he would make Billy do when he lost the bet. It involved alcohol, a karaoke machine, Nancy's purple sequence prom dress and copious amounts of glitter.

Glorious!

"Steve!"

Max and El ran up to him with matching smiles, smiles that secretly promised mischief and god knows what else. Both girls had sunglasses on their heads and immediately started begging him to drive them to the mall.

Let the babysitting begin.

 

The first stop at the mall was of course ice cream, because who the hell needs a balanced breakfast first thing in the morning?

No one, that's who.

At least that's what Max claimed as she lead the way to Scoops Ahoy!

Good god, even on his day off Steve was back in that damn ice cream shop!

Robin was working by herself and smirked when she saw the trio walk in, the girls heading straight for the counter, Steve trailing behind.

"Well, well, well, if it isn't my favorite Captain. Can't stay away can you? The sea of flavor calls to you doesn't it?" Robin grinned, not at all bothered by Steve's mild glare.

"Laugh it up. I didn't plan on coming back on my day off but these shitheads dragged me here," Steve complained, already picturing the girls rushing around on sugar highs. Briefly he recalled Billy mentioning something about Max having a low tolerance for sugar.

Great.

Max and El scoped out the options and decided to get a double cone apiece as well as a float boat dream to split. Max went with a mixture of strawberry and cotton candy in a waffle cone, double-dipped in chocolate. Eleven went with chocolate and salted caramel, also double-dipped in chocolate, with nuts dribbled on top. The dream boat was piled high with mini marshmallows, chocolate syrup and an ungodly amount of whip cream-seriously, Robin that's way more than company policy allows!-...because Robin apparently wanted Steve to suffer...

Great...

Steve was beginning to wonder if he wasn't in over his head.

 


 

Billy was kicked back on the couch reading a magazine with his music playing from his room, listening to the argument between the boys in the bedroom over whether or not it was a good idea to continue on through the forest on their imaginary quest. Shaking his head in amusement, Billy wondered how the little shits could sit around a game for hours on end playing some weird role playing quest. He never understood role playing games. Then again, he spent most of his childhood on the beaches of Cali, soaking up the sun, learning to surf. He had never been interested in staying inside playing board games.

Honestly, he was still surprised Max was best friends with the group of nerd boys. She had never been one for hanging around inside like them. She always preferred to be outside in the sun, skateboarding around the park or tagging along behind him to the beach. 

Maybe Hawkins really had mellowed them out.

Sick. 

Flipping the page, Billy smirked when he heard the doorbell ring.

Time for some pizza!

 


 

 

"You wanna do a what?" Steve asked, clueless. What the hell were these girls trying to drag him into? He already regretted giving them ice cream!

Max rolled her eyes and pointed to the shop on the second level of the mall, "A photo-shoot! We've done one before and it was awesome!"

A photo-shoot.

Steve could already see the horrifying possibilities laid out before him. Each new thought was more grotesque than the last.

Skimpy outfits.

Make-up.

High heels.

Feather boas.

Shuddering, Steve looked from the photo shop to the two pouting children under his care. Eleven had broken out the puppy dog eyes and Max followed, folding their hands together in a silent plea.

God dammit.

He sighed, repeating his mantra over and over in his head as he lead the girls to the stairs.

You are the best babysitter. You are the best babysitter. You are the best babysitter. You are the best babysitter. You are the best babysitter. You are the best babysitter!

You're the best fucking babysitter in Hawkins!

"Alright, let's do this."

 

Inside the small shop, Steve could see a few stalls for changing along with a massive array of wardrobe. It didn't skip his notice that most of the clothes were feminine. What exactly did Max and El expect him to do here?

"Hello my lovelies! How are we today?" A dark haired man stepped out from around the desk, way too happy for that time of day. Max and El seemed to already know what they wanted so Steve let them take the lead, he was just along for the ride.

'Ugh, feather boas' Steve thought repulsively, eyeing the lime green and neon pink feathers staring him down from the clothes rack. He would never understand how people wore those things. He didn't even like ties, why would anyone want something so frilly and obnoxious bobbing about around their neck?

Gross.

"Steve! Come on!" Eleven called, waving him over.

Steve was so not falling for that.

"Come where?"

"Over here!"

"Why?"

"Just get over here!"

"Why!"

Steve didn't get an answer as he was forcefully dragged behind a curtain and ordered to change, Max shoving an outfit into his arms and closing the curtain. Standing there befuddled, Steve looked down at the strange outfit and suddenly realized what it was.

"I am not dressing in drag!"

 

For the record.

He made a kick-ass drag queen.

He also silently apologized to every woman that had to wear high heels, ever.

Sitting in front of the camera with the girls on either side, Steve stared at the flashing camera unamused. He'd been shoved into multiple outfits already, including a cowboy get-up, a horrifying rendition of Big Bird that made him look like a demented duck, a football player uniform with Max and El as his cheerleaders, a Whitesnake reject complete with a blond wig that put David Coverdale to shame, and now he was forced to pose in a obnoxiously flamboyant green dress that left nothing to the imagination!

"I have just the thing to complete this look!" the photographer gasped, bouncing over to the clothes rack and grabbed something bright green and furry. Steve cringed as that damn fashion fail was wrapped around his neck.

"Smile!"

Fucking feather boas...

Ugh!

 


 

 

Billy had finished off the last of the cheese pizza before looking in on the brats, seeing them in a heated discussion over battle plans. It had been five hours already and the boys were still buried head first into the game.

"I'm telling you assholes it's a trap!"

"It doesn't matter just roll the dice!"

"It does matter if you wanna live dickface!"

"Clocks ticking!"

Okay then. 

Shrugging, Billy returned to the couch and turned on the TV.

 

Wonder how Steve's doing...


 

 

"Absolutely not!"

"Pleaseeee!"

Steve groaned in mild frustration as he payed for their movie tickets. The girls had been adamant that after they finished their photo-shoot they wanted to see a movie at the theater. Steve had no problem with that, anything to get him away from that damn camera.

What was driving him crazy now was that they both wanted more sugar!

Their movie was starting soon and Steve wanted to go find seats before the theater piled up, but the girls had hightailed it straight to the food stand and were eyeing the candy.

"How are you guys even hungry?" he asked, recalling the ungodly amount of sugar they had eaten earlier. 

"Beauty takes a lot of effort, Steve. You should know," Max winked at him as she and Eleven broke down into giggles.

Steve rolled his eyes and ordered a large popcorn, three sodas, a small popcorn for himself, a package of red vines, a bag of skittles, a cotton candy and two pretzels with cheese...

Jesus, these two could pack away food worse than the boys.

Arms overloaded with junk food, the trio made their way into the crowded theater and found seats near the back. The movie was a science fiction action film, one that Steve wouldn't normally see himself but Max claimed Eleven had to experience the novelty of syfy culture.

Who could argue with that logic?

Actually, Steve would pay to watch someone argue with Max Mayfield. So long as he had a front row seat and popcorn to watch!

The theater was packed and still filling up, kids screaming for popcorn and parents rushing around to control their little ones, teens tossing kernels at each other, a few other adults sitting front row to avoid the chaos.

This movie had better be worth it...

Trying to relax, Steve listened to the girls gossip about something or other while munching on his popcorn. The movie would be starting soon and that would hopefully distract the girls for a couple hours.

 

It's just one day, Stevie. Just one. You can do this. You're the best babysitter.

You will win this war. 

No surrender, we die like men!

 



"Great Scott!"

El burst out laughing along with Max as they exited the theater, Steve trailing behind them with their trash and a headache from trying to follow the stupid movie.

How the hell was anyone supposed to follow that movie? It made no sense! And who the fuck turns a DeLorean into a time machine? And what was this 88 miles an hour nonsense? He was so confused and hoped to god they never a made another Back to the Future movie.

One was enough.

"Steve, we should get ice cream!"

Seriously?

Dragging his feet, Steve followed the sugar monsters back down to Scoops Ahoy!

"When will this day end?" he grumbled, wondering how Billy dealt with this crap constantly. Surely these two weren't like this all the time? How did they have this much energy?

A pound of sugary sweetness a piece, that's how!

Checking his watch, Steve figured they should probably head back home soon. They'd been at the mall for almost 7 hours now.

"Steve!"

Who needed cardio when you had these shitheads to chase after?

"I'm coming!"

 


 


"I'm telling you to use a fire spell!"

"A fire spell won't work against them, dumbass! You need to use an illusion to distract them so we can get around them!"

"Don't listen to him, Will!"

"Stop yelling so I can make a decision!"

"You're running out of time!"

Billy glanced over at the closed bedroom door, checking the clock to see when he should feed the little shits again. They had been playing their weird game for almost 8 hours straight, and that included their brief pizza break.

Those nerds were really dedicated to that game...

Shrugging, Billy grabbed the phone and dialed up the pizza parlor again. He did promise them all the pizza they wanted so long as they played their game all day.

Maybe he'd even throw in some cheesy bread sticks this time.

 


 

 

By the time Steve managed to round up the girls and drive them back to the house, it was almost dinner time. Dragging his feet along the walkway towards the door, both girls racing to house, Steve wondered if he could order take out and slip a few sleeping pills into their drinks.

Maybe a handful of Valium...

He never understood those so-called wine moms...he got it now.

A sudden urge to break open his dad's whiskey made him flinch, he wouldn't ever do that with the kids around, plus, Billy would kill him if he found out. But dear god he would kill for a glass of good wine right now!
Max and El had converged in the living room with their stuff spread out on the floor. A quick glance at the array of crap they brought made him swallow uncomfortably. Not only had they brought nail polish and a terrifying amount of hair supplies, but also a large bag of make-up and music.

Maybe he could just disappear into his room and lock the door.

Hold out until morning.

Not likely.

It wasn't even 5pm and he was already exhausted. Perhaps he should have consumed an insane amount of sugar too just to keep up with Max and El. They were still bright eyed and bushy tailed! How the fuck had they not crashed already!?

After being dragged around the mall for another hour looking at clothes and shoes, which he'd also been forced into trying on, Steve just wanted to spend the rest of the evening in peace and quiet. Watch a movie. Eat some dinner. Hit the sack.

Was that too much too ask?

Yes. Yes, it was. Because now we must continue to make Steve's life miserable!

"Steve, let me paint your nails!"

"I wanna braid your hair!"

Groaning, he silently begged Farrah Fawcett to forgive him and went to let his hair meet it's fate.

"When will this day end?"

 


 

 

"Dude, you're never supposed to eat pizza double slices at once, that's just sick."

"At least I'm not shoving bread sticks into my mouth and letting them hang to look like some cheap Dracula knock-off!"

"You laughed at that!"

"It was a pity laugh, Mike..."

"Screw you, dickhead!"

Billy checked the clock again. Another hour had passed without any problems. The kids were fed and had settled down to watch a horror movie in the living room cuddled up in a pile of blankets. So far, watching the boys argue over a board game and shove pizza down their throats was easy peasy.

Maybe he'd offer to switch with Steve more often.

Billy grabbed another slice of pizza and sat down to watch the movie, wondering how the girls were doing and if Steve was enjoying his night.

 


 


"Max put down the skateboard! No skating around the pool! Not without a helmet!"

Steve raced around the pool after the little red headed child, Max always just out of reach as she skated around the edge of the water like it was race track! Eleven stood at the door watching and laughing at Steve's poor attempts to catch Max. They had both gotten into the cookie jar and were back on sugar highs...again.

El was not helping the situation!

"Eleven, you stop encouraging her! Max! Off the skateboard!"

 

When will this nightmare end!

 


 

 

By the time the movie had ended, Mike and Will had clonked out on the floor, Lucas was curled up in the arm chair and Dustin was asleep across the couch.

Billy grabbed some spare blankets and covered each kid, turned off the TV and shut off all the lights. He made sure to leave the kitchen nightlight on for Will knowing the boy was scared of the dark, before heading off to bed himself.

Crashing down on his mattress, he briefly thought to call Steve's house to check on Max but figured if anything happened he would have gotten a call anyway. He'd head over first thing in the morning after dropping the boys off.

 


 

It was the blaring of an alarm that made Steve jolt awake like he'd been electrocuted! Swinging his head around to see what the noise was, he saw his alarm clock blaring just a few feet from his head. Then he remembered last night...

Somehow, and he'd still not sure how, he managed to get the girls to build a blanket fort in the living room and settle in to watch movies. It had cost him cookies and 3 bags of popcorn as payment, but at least he'd corralled them into one room! After settling down, Steve had brought down his alarm clock as a wake up call for when Billy would show up. A quick look around the room, bleary eyed, Steve felt like he'd been on an all night drinking binge, complete with the sudden need to recall last nights events.

Aside from the pile of blankets that needed to be washed, everything seemed to be cleaned up? The girls were no where to be found though. Sitting up, Steve fought to keep his tired eyes open, no doubt bloodshot, and force his body to move off the floor. He wasn't sure how he ended up on the floor? Or why he smelled like cinnamon? Or why one side of his head felt tight while the other didn't?

The hell?

Reaching up, he felt the right side of his hair to find it still braided tightly against his head. Max's work. His nails looked like a unicorn had puked rainbows on them with all the different colors, not to mention the stupid glitter Eleven insisted on using.

And for god's sake, don't get him started on his face...

They must have used 20 different types of make-up on him last night. He could still feel the left over smudges of eye shadow every time he blinked! Or was that mascara? It felt like someone had dribbled honey over his eyes.

How did people wear this stuff?

Stumbling to his feet, Steve managed to pull himself up off the floor to find the room had been cleaned and tidied. Max and Eleven's bags were packed and ready to go by the couch. Said sadistic children were currently sitting at the kitchen island eating what Steve could only assume was Eggo's. They were both dressed and ready to go, like nothing had happened last night.

Huh.

Little demons the night before and suddenly they're perfect angels today?

"Morning Steve!" Both girls chirped happily, munching away at their waffles. Steve mumbled a quick good morning before heading straight to the coffee maker and brewing the strong stuff.

Might even go for an Irish coffee this morning after last night.

Pouring himself a cup, Steve had barely taken a sip before he heard Billy's camero rumble into the driveway.

Thank God! The Calvary has arrived! We're saved!

Rushing to the door, Steve threw it open just as Billy came walking up the steps. By the look on his face and the short snort of laughter, Steve knew he probably looked about as good as he felt.

Billy grinned and ran his tongue across his teeth, enjoying the sight before him. Reaching up he tapped his own lips while giving Steve a teasing smile.

"That cherry red lipstick looks great on you, in fact I am loving this whole new you," he gestured up and down to Steve's whole body, taking in the smeared make-up that put the walk-of-shame to shame!

"Suck a cock, Hargrove."

"I would but from the look of your face I don't think you showered after your street corner shift last night."

"Fuck you!"

"Did you get payed in dirty, crumpled bills?"

"You're the biggest dick I've ever seen."

"That's what she said!"

Billy almost hit his knees laughing so hard at the look on Steve's face! The guy looked like a whore after a full night out on the town mixed with a pissed off wet kitten!

Steve was unamused.

He wiped at his face to try and get some of the damn make-up off, but all he managed to do was get his hands covered in pink blush and blue shadow. Any nasty comeback Steve could think to say caught in his throat when Max and Eleven raced down the hall right by him and out the door, both throwing a quick goodbye over their shoulder as they ran to the camero.

"Bye Steve! We should do this again soon!"

Steve waved at them with a fake plastered on smile before grabbing Billy's jacket and shaking him violently, pleading, "Do not ever leave me alone with those two shitheads ever again!"

"Are you saying you yield, pretty boy?"

"Do you want me to bow down or something?"

"Wouldn't mind seeing you on your knees," Billy smirked, loving the hot blush creeping up Steve's neck. It was always so fun to tease Harrington.

"You win, asshole. Now what do you want?"

"Oh, I've got a few ideas in mind."

Oh, boy, did he. His first choice involved a pair of Daisy Duke jean shorts, a water hose and his camero that needed a good washing. That was just the first idea.

"Be sure to wash behind your ears Harrington, no tellin' how often they clean those no-tell motels'!"

Leaving a sputtering, blushing Steve Harrington at the door, Billy walked to the camero laughing. He couldn't resist messing with Steve.

The guy made it too damn easy.

Sliding into the car, he quickly reached into his pocket and pulled out two fresh $50 bills, handing one to Max and the other to Eleven. They both grin devilishly and pocket their money, bursting out into giggles.

 

Who said anything about it being a fair bet?

 

Fin