Work Header

Batteries Not Included

Chapter Text

Some Assembly Required

Steve Rogers (cappuccino)

Tony Stark (irony-man)

Natasha Romanoff (nat-attack)

Clint Barton (hawkguy)

Bruce Banner (not-a-doctor)

Thor Odinson (god-tier)

Bucky Barnes (bucket)


Sunday, 1:17 p.m.


hawkguy: GUYS I LOST TONY  

hawkguy: he’s not answering me cOde rEd

nat-attack: We sent you 2 away 4 minutes ago .

nat-attack: How do you lose a whole ass teenager in four minutes at a Walmart?



bucket: and you’re stupid like a goldfish.

hawkguy: i detest that

nat-attack: I don’t.

hawkguy: nat  w h y ?

cappuccino: That’s enough you two. We need to find Tony before he gets himself into trouble.

bucket: why don’t we just call for him over the intercom? seems like the reasonable thing to do

cappuccino: Yes, I agree with Bucky.

hawkguy: u always agree with bucky.

nat-attack: That’s because Bucky’s his voice of reason.

hawkguy: then what am i?

nat-attack: An idiot.

hawkguy: understandable, have a nice day.

not-a-doctor: Knowing Tony, he won’t acknowledge it. 

not-a-doctor: It embarrases him.

god-tier: Let us split ways and search for friend Stark!

cappuccino: Alright. Bucky, you and I will check the grocery aisles. Nat and Clint, electronics. Thor, Bruce, search around clothing.

hawkguy: oh wow we have a buddy system.

hawkguy: alright fred, ready to split up and look for clues?

cappuccino: Clint.

hawkguy: Steve.

cappuccino: Clint.

hawkguy: sorry.

hawkguy: let’s go. 


Sunday, 2:24 p.m.


hawkguy: where the fuck is he?!?!  

cappuccino: Language.

hawkguy: not the time grandpa

cappuccino: Clint.

hawkguy: sorry.

not-a-doctor: Uh, guys?

not-a-doctor: We found him.

bucket: where?

not-a-doctor: Hold on.

hawkguy: okay i’m interested

not-a-doctor: whatdoido.jpg 

hawkguy: oh, i’m very interested

nat-attack: Is he asleep?

nat-attack: Inside a clothing rack?

hawkguy: hes a goddamn gremlin

bucket: is he cuddling a wrench?

hawkguy: oh my god

cappuccino: Tony… really doesn’t sleep enough, does he?

hawkguy: this is my new lockscreen

bucket: that’s… kind of weird.

hawkguy: no its not

cappuccino: Yes it is.

nat-attack: Yes it is.

not-a-doctor: Yes it is.

hawkguy: no one asked u

bucket: god bruce, just wake him up. I want to leave already.

bucket: blease.

nat-attack: Yeah, me too. We’ve been here for like, two hours.

nat-attack: We literally just came here for snacks.

hawkguy: did we get bean dip

god-tier: Indeed.

hawkguy: noice

hawkguy: wake the gremlin i want bean dip

not-a-doctor: We’ll meet you guys by customer service.

cappuccino: Alright everyone. Let’s regroup.

bucket: finally. 


Sunday, 11:49 p.m.


hawkguy: a fucking clothing rack 

irony-man: hey clint?

hawkguy: yea wrench boi?

irony-man: fuck off

cappuccino: Language.

bucket: hey stevie?

cappuccino: Yes?

bucket: shut up.

cappuccino: Okay.

hawkguy: oh come on-

Chapter Text

Some Assembly Required

Steve Rogers (cappuccino)

Tony Stark (irony-man)

Natasha Romanoff (nat-attack)

Clint Barton (hawkguy)

Bruce Banner (not-a-doctor)

Thor Odinson (god-tier)

Bucky Barnes (bucket)


Monday, 2:36 a.m.


irony-man: do you ever just like

irony-man: want to lay on the ground outside and look at the stars?

cappuccino: It is two in the morning.

cappuccino: Go to bed.

bucket: why are u even up?

irony-man: I may or may not have been locked outside my house.

bucket: how-

irony-man: i got home too late and howard’s not going to let me in.

irony-man: he’s kinda strict with curfew.

nat-attack: What time is your curfew?

irony-man: 9:30

cappuccino: You’ve been locked outside for five hours?!

cappuccino: Why are you just now saying anything?!

irony-man: eh

irony-man: I didn't want to be a bother.

nat-attack: You wouldn’t be a bother.

cappuccino: Especially with something like this.

bucket: if you have nowhere to go you can come over to my place for the night.

bucket: my parents won’t mind.

irony-man: bless.

irony-man: i could literally kiss you right now

bucket: that’s tempting

irony-man: i’m stealing your mans stebe

irony-man: *steve

hawkguy: STEBE

cappuccino: Clint.

hawkguy: yea stebe?

cappuccino: Clint. 

hawkguy: sorry

irony-man: that literally never gets old.

irony-man: oh and i’m at your doorstep bucky.

irony-man: please let me in sir.

bucket: i’m going

irony-man: tonks.

irony-man: many tonks.

cappuccino: Tony please go to sleep.

irony-man: no.

irony-man: I have been told by bucky to go to bed.

irony-man: so i will. maybe.

irony-man: but that doesn’t mean i’m happy about it.

bucket: if i come back and you are not in bed asleep in the next 15 minutes i will personally knock you out

bucket: so stop being a dumbass

bucket: that’s clint’s job

irony-man: yes mom right way.

hawkguy: jdhfhdkskls

hawkguy: whipped

hawkguy: wait- 

irony-man: well goodnight -

bucket: goodnight

hawkguy: you come back online you bitch

cappuccino: Language.

hawkguy: oh my god

irony-man: ha

irony-man: classic

cappuccino: Bed.

irony-man: yes sir. 


Monday, 11:19 a.m. 


nat-attack: This is the first time I’ve seen Tony awake all through Calculus.

nat-attack: I’m impressed.

irony-man: bucky scares me

cappuccino: So let me get this straight.

hawkguy: u cant even get yourself straight

cappuccino: Ignoring that.

cappuccino: Tony falls asleep every day during calculus .

cappuccino: And still understands everything?

cappuccino: How ?

irony-man: iq of 186 man

irony-man: i can do anything

bucket: the 186 clearly doesn’t account for common sense

irony-man: ...

irony-man: maybe so.

hawkguy: BURN

cappuccino: Pay attention in class.

hawkguy: hypocrite 

cappuccino: Clint.

hawkguy: sorry

irony-man: cLaSsiC

Chapter Text

Some Assembly Required

Steve Rogers (cappuccino)

Tony Stark (irony-man)

Natasha Romanoff (nat-attack)

Clint Barton (hawkguy)

Bruce Banner (not-a-doctor)

Thor Odinson (god-tier)

Bucky Barnes (bucket)


Tuesday, 12:58 p.m.


hawkguy: so tony

hawkguy: whos that girl I saw you talking to at lunch?

irony-man: uh

irony-man: who’s tony?

bucket: wow.

bucket: you take act dumb to a whole new level

hawkguy: ooohhhh

hawkguy: tonys got a crush

irony-man: i will hurt you

hawkguy: no u cant youre like three feet tall

irony-man: i will kick your kneecaps in then

irony-man: and i’m not that short

hawkguy: yes u r

bucket: yes you are.

cappuccino: Yes you are.

nat-attack: Yes you are.

god-tier: I am afraid you are.

not-a-doctor: Yes, you are.

irony-man: did everyone seriously log on JUST TO AGREE WITH CLINT

irony-man: brucie bear! 

irony-man: my science bro!

irony-man: my knight in bleached white lab coat! 

irony-man: you’re supposed to be on my side!

not-a-doctor: I always say that I can never argue with facts.

hawkguy: oh my god

hawkguy: hes got jokes

irony-man: the betrayal

irony-man: also fuck you clint.

hawkguy: cussing?

hawkguy: in my good christian server?

hawkguy: its more likely than you think.

hawkguy: -steve, probably

bucket: pffffft

bucket: facts.

cappuccino: Clint.

hawkguy: no dont do this

hawkguy: pls

irony-man: you know the drill clinton

hawkguy: …

hawkguy: sorry.

nat-attack: So Tony has a girlfriend?

irony-man: she’s not my girlfriend.

hawkguy: yet

hawkguy: we will find her

nat-attack: I found her.

hawkguy: wHaT

irony-man: you can prove nothing

nat-attack: Virginia Potts, right? From our government class?

irony-man: you can prove one thing.

hawkguy: tony has a girlfriend

irony-man: fuck off

cappuccino: Language.

bucket: oh yeah, i know her.

bucket: cute, redhead, tall

bucket: way out of tony’s league?

irony-man: HEY

nat-attack: Yep.

hawkguy: come one tony

hawkguy: ask her out

hawkguy: dont be a weenie

hawkguy: be a man

irony-man: alright fine now please leave me alone

nat-attack: Sure thing.

nat-attack: But remember this Tony.

nat-attack: Don’t be a dumbass.

hawkguy: impossible

irony-man: yes ma’am.

irony-man: and clint?

hawkguy: hmmm?

irony-man: i will hit you with my car

hawkguy: u cant even reach the gas pedal

irony-man: you can’t even drive.

hawkguy: touche

hawkguy: oh and can you take me home after school?

irony-man: i guess

hawkguy: noiCe

irony-man: sigh

hawkguy: wHy diD yOu tYpE tHaT

irony-man: because i know it would bother you. 

bucket: god you two fight like an old married couple

irony-man: i’m the hot one

hawkguy: uh think again buckarop

irony-man: says the one that’s never been on a date

hawkguy: thats cause im not a thot

irony-man: don’t you dare slut shame me

nat-attack: You’re both pretty, now shut up.

hawkguy: …

hawkguy: okay fine

irony-man: truce

hawkguy: truce

irony-man: but i’m still prettier.

hawkguy: biTcH

Chapter Text

Some Assembly Required

Steve Rogers (cappuccino)

Tony Stark (irony-man)

Natasha Romanoff (nat-attack)

Clint Barton (hawkguy)

Bruce Banner (not-a-doctor)

Thor Odinson (god-tier)

Bucky Barnes (bucket)


Thursday, 1:03 p.m.


hawkguy: i just caught steve and bucky mackin’ in the hallway

hawkguy: i need bleach for my eyes now

nat-attack: Clint they’ve been dating for two years.

nat-attack: Literally everyone has seen them at one point.

irony-man: yeah birdbrain you’re not special.

not-a-doctor: At least you guys only caught them making out.

not-a-doctor: Some of us aren’t that lucky.

irony-man: oh Brucie

irony-man: please tell me it isn’t so

irony-man: you poor child

bucket: you’re overreacting bruce

hawkguy: how dare you buck

hawkguy: he witnessed this defiling first hand

not-a-doctor: Yes, in your bathroom.

hawkguy: yeah in my bathroom

irony-man: wait for it.

irony-man: wait for it.

hawkguy: waiT WHAT DO YOU MEAN IN MY BATHROOM?!?!?!?

hawkguy: when were you even in my bathroom?!?!?

bucket: uh

bucket: game night two weeks ago?

hawkguy: you mean this was recent?!?

hawkguy: god i need to go bleach my bathroom now

irony-man: lmao

irony-man: he actually logged off

cappuccino: Wait, what did I miss? 


Thursday, 6:33 p.m.


irony-man: i have a minecraft

irony-man: *migraine

hawk-guy: play minecraft with me

irony-man: don’t you have a bathroom to scrub?

hawkguy: dont you have advil to swallow?

irony-man: I can’t find any.

hawkguy: give me ur minecraft handle and i will sprint to ur place and give you some

irony-man: I guess .

hawkguy: niCe

irony-man: *sigh*

hawkguy: stOp dOinG tHaT

irony-man: better start sprinting Clinton.

Chapter Text

Some Assembly Required

Steve Rogers (cappuccino)

Tony Stark (irony-man)

Natasha Romanoff (nat-attack)

Clint Barton (hawkguy)

Bruce Banner (not-a-doctor)

Thor Odinson (god-tier)

Bucky Barnes (bucket)


Friday, 3:16 a.m.


irony-man: all odd numbers have the letter ‘e’ in them.

cappuccino: Tony, it’s three in the morning.

irony-man: t-h-r-E-E

cappuccino: GO TO SLEEP!

irony-man: alright fine.

irony-man: but just so you know, I’m sleeping because I want to.

irony-man: not because you told me to.

cappuccino: Sleep.

cappuccino: Now.

irony-man: yes sir. 

hawkguy: ha you just got scolded

cappuccino: Clint.

hawkguy: sorry

irony-man: c l a s s i c . 


Friday: 9:02 a.m.


hawkguy: life is hard id like a refund

irony-man: felt

bucket: also felt

nat-attack: Also felt.

cappuccino: Felt that.

not-a-doctor: Yes.

god-tier: Yes I relate to that.

irony-man: glad we’re all in agreement

hawkguy: im so done with today

cappuccino: It’s barely 9 in the morning.

nat-attack: Who do I have to kill?

bucket: ^

irony-man: ^^

hawkguy: im no longer a human. i now identify as a chicken nugget

bucket: weird flex but okay.

cappuccino: As much as I love where this conversation is going, what’s with the sudden identity crisis?

irony-man: ah.

irony-man: Coulson?

hawkguy: coulson.

bucket: i am confusion.

irony-man: coulson’s giving a pop quiz today.

cappuccino: Guys please don't kill Mr. Coulson.

hawkguy: u couldnt have given me a warning?!?!

irony-man: hey Clint, Coulson’s giving a pop quiz today.

hawkguy: wow thanks for the heads up

hawkguy: my hero

irony-man: ha

irony-man: you’re welcome birdbrain

hawkguy: thats it im telling pepper that ur being mean to me

irony-man: eh whatever, she’ll probably make fun of you too.

irony-man: loser.

hawkguy: bLoCkeD

irony-man: wait unblock me I have something to tell you.

hawkguy: uNbLocKeD

irony-man: LOsEr

hawkguy: nat save me

hawkguy: u know i dont have to take this abuse

nat-attack: Yes you do.

hawkguy: nat WHY

nat-attack: Stop eating my leftovers.

nat-attack: Maybe then I’d consider saving you.

bucket: get rekt.

cappuccino: Don’t you all have class?

bucket: don’t you have a pop quiz?

irony-man: he just sassed the captain.

irony-man: steve your mans just sassed you.

bucket: i will sass whoever i damn well please

irony-man: felt.

Chapter Text

Some Assembly Required

Steve Rogers (cappuccino)

Tony Stark (irony-man)

Natasha Romanoff (nat-attack)

Clint Barton (hawkguy)

Bruce Banner (not-a-doctor)

Thor Odinson (god-tier)

Bucky Barnes (bucket)


Saturday, 12:47 p.m.


bucket: who wants to see a video of Steve doing a flip? 

hawkguy: nah I'm good

bucket: but he broke his arm because of it

irony-man: well then next time lead with that. 

irony-man: show me pls

not-a-doctor: Did you get him to a hospital?

hawkguy: i mean

hawkguy: thats not the pont here

bucket: pont

irony-man: pont

nat-attack: pont

hawkguy: fuck off

cappuccino: Language Clint.

hawkguy: ok whatever cripple

cappuccino: Clint.

hawkguy: sorry

cappuccino: Thank you.

hawkguy: ur welcome …

hawkguy: cripple

cappuccino: CLINT-

irony-man: so does that mean we can’t see the video?

bucket: yeah i’ll send it to everyone

hawkguy: yEs

bucket: except clint

hawkguy: nO

not-a-doctor: But seriously, is he okay?

irony-man: he’s steve.

irony-man: he’s probably doing cartwheels by now.

bucket: you right

irony-man: i’m always right

not-a-doctor: I distinctly remember the Halloween party incident of 2016.

irony-man: i’m mostly right.

nat-attack: You got a knife stuck in your arm.

irony-man: it was just a flesh wound.

nat-attack: It almost went completely through.

irony-man: uh, it was a wound.

irony-man: on my flesh.

irony-man: therefore, it counts as a flesh wound.

hawkguy: cant mess with that logic

bucket: you really can’t.

cappuccino: Yes you can.

hawkguy: bet.

bucket: bet.

irony-man: bEt

cappuccino: I will bet.

hawkguy: uhh

hawkguy: wait.

irony-man: he just pulled the uno reverse card on us.

bucket: just skip his turn

irony-man: genius.

hawkguy: brilliant

irony-man: he truly is the brain of the group.

hawkguy: and the brawn

irony-man: he is beauty

hawkguy: he is grace

bucket: i will punch you in the face

cappuccino: I’m begging you to stop.

hawkguy: cant stop wont stop

bucket: well at least they give me attention


hawkguy: join us buck

irony-man: we’ll treat you better

bucket: did you just quote shawn mendes to me?

irony-man: so what if i did?

bucket: i’m sold.

hawkguy: stealing steves mans

cappuccino: I-

irony-man: we’ll pick you up at 6 bby

hawkguy: dress nice

bucket: alright

bucket: i guess i’ll see you guys later

hawkguy: well be waiting 😘

cappuccino: Wait-

cappuccino: And they’re all offline.

cappuccino: What just happened?

nat-attack: Clint and Tony just stole your mans Steve.

god-tier: Young love is truly a beautiful thing.

cappuccino: No- 


Saturday, 9:52 p.m.


irony-man: uhhh

irony-man: Howard locked me out again.

irony-man: pls help.

hawkguy: ah man

hawkguy: we kept you out too late

bucket: you can come over again

irony-man: bless

irony-man: i’ll be there in 10

cappuccino: You guys actually went out?

hawkguy: of course we did

irony-man: out to a lovely diner 

irony-man: with candles

bucket: it was great.

bucket: i felt loved and appreciated.

hawkguy: we will always love and appreciate you buck

irony-man: always

hawkguy: unlike someone

cappuccino: I feel attacked.

hawkguy: good

irony-man: very good

bucket: very good.

cappuccino: How does Pepper feel about this?

irony-man: she’s very supportive

irony-man: because she knows i’m treating someone right

hawkguy: BURN

bucket: BURNNNN

irony-man: and i’m outside bucky

irony-man: let me in and cuddle me please

bucket: alrighty then

hawkguy: you guys are cuddling

hawkguy: without me?

irony-man: you can join us next time

hawkguy: i will

bucket: i love our new relationship

irony-man: bucky

irony-man: cuddle

irony-man: now.

bucket: yes sir

cappuccino: And they logged off again.

nat-attack: Your mans has officially been stolen Rogers.