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Something Spideypool This Way Comes

Summary:

Deadpool is hired to steal a spider from the labs of Oscorp and clashes with an adorable young lab assistant who is adamant about putting a stop to the criminal activity. While this bespectacled wallflower is tougher than he looks, Wade triumphs. But, the victory is hollow. Wade decides he wants to take another of the company's assets... And there has to be a joke in there somewhere...

Chapter Text

Wade honestly doesn't give a shit about spiders. They live in corners, poop out homes, and squish pretty nicely. That's about it. But when someone pays him half a million to scoop one up from Oscorp, he has to rethink their importance. So, just before creeping back out of the lab with his newly acquired buddy, he studies the thing. Eight pinprick black eyes gleam back at him.

“I guess you are what they mean when they say it's “for science”.”

The spider does not answer.

[Good.]

{What the heck, that would be so scary!}

“Now, now. We owe a lot to science. Mainly, this overwhelming sex appeal.” The novelty of his returned good looks had not yet worn off and there were many shiny surfaces in the lab in which to see Wade's nearly perfect face reflected. He admires each one as he walks toward the door. 

“Nearly perfect, my above average ass. Do you think I could sneak in here wearing a slutty nurse uniform if I still looked like Frankenstein’s rejected body parts pile?”

An unfamiliar voice stops him. 

“Where are you going with that?”

Wade purses his lips, plasters on his best innocent expression, and spins on his heel to address the person who will hereafter and forever be known as The Cutest Person Who Ever Came Out Of God's Creative Sperm Bank.

{A lengthy title.}

[But well deserved.]

Standing a surfboard length away and coming closer- [What an odd unit of measurement.] - is a young man who appears to be in his early twenties. 

{Or, he could be a reaaaally healthy thirty year old.}

[Nah. They don't look this good unless they're legit young.] 

With brown hair, a white lab coat, and dorky glasses on his sweet face, he is a walking cliche. Wade is honestly surprised to have missed the nerd alert on the PA system. Still, he is insanely cute and the merc has always been attracted to the shy bookworm type. It must be that opposites thing again. But, as tempting as it is to clap hands on his cheeks and squeal about exchanging numbers, Wade is not about to trade his sterling reputation of non-professionalism for a meaningful first impression. 

This is business, not pleasure. 

Okay, it's always a little of both ideally, but in this case, half a million dollars can buy him a lot of pretty faces. 

{Dakimakura aren't that expensive.}

[Just say “anime body pillow”, you pretentious fuck.]

{No quarreling on missions, remember?}

Wade smiles. “It's a spidernapping. Oh, and coincidentally,” He says, holding the container up to his face, “A spider napping. Isn't it cute?”

The young man looks at it and back at him. The perplexity in his large brown eyes is adorable. Since his mouth isn't rising to the occasion, Wade takes it on himself to be a gentleman and continue his usual babbling. “It's less furry than a cat nap and equally as illegal as a kid nap. So, I'll be taking my complimentary pet and leaving before security arrives. Unless, there is a booth where they hand out snacks. Because if there is, we'll be stopping there first.” 

As he moves, the other man reaches out and grabs his arm. It takes a lot for Wade to suppress his reflexes and remain still.

“No.”

“No?” Wade blinks back and corrects him, “Yes.”

A shaking head accompanies the stressed repeat of, “ No. I can't let you leave and I especially can't let you take J.B.”

Sharp eyes track down the small scientist's frame and linger on his name tag before shooting back up to meet his gaze. 

“Okay, I'll be straight here, Parker, as un-fun as that is. I haven't asked for permission to do anything since I was five and wrecked my tricycle in front of the ice cream truck to trade my silence for freebies. And it's against my nature to blindly take orders, that's why I would make a terrible su- Wait…” 

Wade abruptly tilts his head, something tugging at his heartstrings. He says, “This little guy has a name?”

He could swear there is a tint of pink in those apple cheeks.

“That's… Forget that. Just give me the specimen and I won't tell anyone you were in here.”

Why is he trying to negotiate? Clearly, Wade is larger and scarier. Just how important is this tiny eight-legged lab rat that this guy would try to stand up to him?

“I'm gonna go with the “Make me” option, which means I'll have to regretfully kick your likely delicious ass. Or, you can let go.”

Surprisingly, the grip on his arm tightens and it's kind of ouchie. The action puts a deep slant in Wade's brow. He is used to stupid people but it never stops being annoying when they act on it. Maybe he shouldn't have expected more from this kid just because he's an egghead.

“Look, I really don't want to hurt you. I might even cry myself to sleep if I mess up such a pretty face.”

The scientist- [You know his name. Use it.] Parker seems to reach a determination as he looks down, gives a deep sigh, and glares up at Wade with new steel. 

“You're not giving me much of a choice here, man. I've spent months on this research and you're not going to walk out of here with it. Put the spider down or I'll be forced to resort to using force.”

“Say that five times fast.”

“What?”

There is a split second of confusion and Wade takes advantage of it by throwing the container in the air. When Parker gasps and lunges forward to catch it, Wade tangles his legs and uses an elbow to knock him to the floor.

He reaches out to palm the falling prize and contemplates setting it on the counter and spanking some sense into the boy gaping up at him. Hey, he never said he wouldn't fight dirty. 

There's no time for that, though.

“Sit. Stay. Good boy.”

{We already missed the start of the Golden Girls marathon!}

He turns to leave and absolutely does not see it coming when something small and unexpectedly solid tackles him from behind. 

They both hit the ground and the wind is knocked right of Wade, painful and sudden. The spider’s container slides across the tiles just out of reach, hitting the bottom of the door gently. 

Wade is fuming by the time he realizes that this fight isn't quite over and rolls, shoving the smaller body off him. 

He growls, “I tried to go easy on you, cupcake. Now, you're getting the knife.” 

Wade reaches back for his katanas and groans upon finding empty air. 

[I told you this costume wasn't combat efficient.]

Oh well. He doesn't need a weapon. 

Parker is kneeling a foot away, lips pulled tight, scowling at the merc. His glasses are crooked. Wade wants to knock them off his stupidly precious, flushed face. 

This time, Wade is ready for the attack and dodges the punches that are thrown at him. Parker isn't playing around.

A surprise kick sends him flying backwards into a shelf. Glass shatters on impact around him and goodness-knows-what oddly colored liquid blotches the pristine tiles. This stuff could be harmful and they are still on the floor, so Wade feels he has no choice but to launch himself forward at the kid. 

They kind of wrestle for a minute and he doesn't know how the other man can possibly be this strong, but Wade has the upper hand, having been trained for combat. He manages to get Parker down on his back, both panting and straining against the other. 

Wade can't help being impressed. Certain parts of his body are aching- not the fun places; but they're all fun places- and it's been too long since he had to put this much effort into a scuffle. It makes him feel rusty but good; like all his cogs are starting to work again. He relishes it while gazing into fiery hazel eyes. 

Damn, are they beautiful.

“You've got some skills, kid,” He says.

“Don’t call me that,” Parker grounds out, “I have an actual name.”

“So do I. I'll leave you my calling card.”

Again, a look of uncertainty crosses Parker's face. Wade wishes he didn't have to do this next part, but he's really cutting it close now.

[We're definitely going to miss the whole marathon, aren't we? Dammit. I knew we should have waited until after.]

{I'm closing my eyes! You know I can't stand the sight of blood!}

[That looked like it hurt. Poor kid.]

{He doesn't like being called that.}

[Don't care. I'll call him whatever I want. Still, maybe we should leave a note of apology?]

“I don't have any paper.”

{Write it on his face. Ooh, and draw a penis!}

“I’m not putting a penis on his face. Not without buying him dinner first.”

[How are you leaving a calling card without paper?]

“Huh… I didn't think about that.”

Wade taps his chin, staring thoughtfully down at the unconscious boy now propped against a cabinet. He really wouldn’t mind seeing him again under better circumstances. And get a closer look at everything under the lab coat. Not that he's a pervert or anything.

{*Wink wink*}

“Ah,” He sighs, shuffling over to the door and bending down to retrieve his prize. “Maybe we're star crossed lovers. Then, we will meet again and I won't have to do anything.”

Luckily, the spider is all right. It seems a bit rattled, but can you blame it? After witnessing that, anyone would have eight wobbly knees.

“Don't worry,” Wade coos at the small thing, “Your parents are just having an argument.”

[Do spiders have knees?]

{If they don't, this will be a very dull story.}