Chapter 1: Crowley and Animals
Crowley decides that as much as he likes his plants, that maybe he’d like a pet. Not like a dog, or a cat, or a crocodile (all of which he had considered at length), but something smaller and slightly less needy.
Crowley finds himself in a pet store and spends a lot of time browsing the different tanks and cages (he got rather disappointed that this particular pet shop didn’t have many reptiles or any snakes).
He decides he doesn’t like the rabbits much, they’re too… shaky (they’re terrified of his snake eyes) or the guinea pigs (ditto). The hamsters just slept.
As he’s about to give up on the idea of pets, he sees a set of tanks at the far end of the store, full of ...rats. So many rats. In one tank that catches his eye, is a grey roan and a cremello play-fighting. He watches, fascinated and decides he must take them home, they’re perfect. So he collects the largest cage he finds in the store, and as many toys, chew things, hammocks and treats as he can fit in the cage.
He gets them home, and gets them set up and settled in. Crowley allows them a run around his apartment everyday and spends a lot of time making sure they’re well groomed and clean and healthy. He buys a pair of dungarees to wear at home just so the two rats can sit in the pouch (that is miraculously the perfect size for both of them).
One day, Aziraphale comes over unannounced, as he occasionally has done ever since armageddon’t, and notices the rats in a smaller cage without many toys, and a small bowl of food. He’s unaware that Crowley is currently washing the main cage and everything in it just as he does every wednesday morning (bonus: he’s wearing the dungarees). Aziraphale loves his spouse, but he is a demon after all, and snakes do eat rats. Aziraphale is talking in his usual soft and kind way to the two rats who are strangely calm around him, and taking them out of the cage when Crowley appears from around the bathroom.
“Hello angel! Oh, you’ve met them! I’ve told them all about you!”
Crowley very excitedly tells Aziraphale all about them and Aziraphale doesn’t have the heart to tell him that rats don’t live very long (however, they actually live for a very long time by rat standards, almost very old by horse standards), but Aziraphale is so happy that Crowley has embraced his softer side and that he’s having such a good time and he looks after them if Crowley can’t.
Extra: The grey one is named Raphael and the cremello one is called Angel (Crowley likes easy to remember names)
Chapter 2: Aziraphale vs Nightmares
Aziraphale has nightmares.
Aziraphale doesn’t sleep. Angels don’t need to. But he doesn’t sleep because he remembers having very vivid nightmares millennia ago. He’s never managed to forget them. After the Trials, and after him and Crowley start spending a lot more time together, he starts trying out sleep a lot more - Crowley loves to sleep, so Zira tries it too. The nightmares come back, as vivid and as paralyzing as he remembers. Only this time, they’re about Crowley, about the trials, about what might happen to them. Crowley starts to notice that Aziraphale spends all night in his bookshop, or watching the TV in Crowley’s apartment (he still prefers books, though) and to the point where he won’t even come up to cuddle with Crowley for fear of falling asleep and experiencing the night terrors. Crowley manages to get this out of him, and sets about finding any and all ways to help. Lavender oil, camomile tea: hell, Crowley even sings him to sleep and stays awake until he’s satisfied that the nightmares aren’t paying a visit that night, then curls around his husband and falls asleep himself. After this, after all Crowley does, Aziraphale finds he never has another nightmare or bad dream ever again. . Bonus point - Crowley gets a ‘herbalist’ or 'spiritual healer’ (read as Anathema) to make potions or cast protection spells on Aziraphale and they vow never to tell him.
Chapter 3: Aziraphale and Oscar Wilde
a little brain vomit, run with it.
Whilst Crowley was napping for almost a century, Aziraphale had to socialise with humans and became very very good friends with Oscar Wilde (take that however you wish) and Crowley missed the whole thing (probably a good job, I don’t imagine jealous demons are fun to be around). Zira and Wilde went to a lot of parties together and Wilde probably wrote something for him (let’s go with Dorian Grey: Zira never ages, gets grouchy and more corrupt as time goes on bc 1- he misses Crowley and 2- God is starting to piss him off). Aziraphale later turns Oscar down bc obviously him and Crowley, but it’s a lasting friendship anyway. Crowley doesn’t find out until years later and vows never to leave his angel on his own for that long again just in case (he’s mildly jealous).
Chapter 4: It's Ineffable
OOH IT'S POETRY!!
I was gonna make this better than it is but hey, I am very very busy (I have no excuse I'm sorry). I posted this before I had queued it to post on tumblr because I live for chaos.
Soho nights, flames rising
eyes glow red, dogs whine
London is burning, the world
(you're my world, don't burn out)
apple-ripe hearts (pick me)
Angels and Queen
caught in the crossfire
pick our side
cast out or kept away:
keep me close, cast your spell
(we’ll be here to stay)
flames lick higher
(higher purpose, no more faith)
ineffable snake-charmed hearts
Check out my poetry blog on tumblr for better poetry - https://angelus-a13.tumblr.com/
I am made a good omens playlist, listen to it here: https://open.spotify.com/playlist/1MfiK3l4dHMwTC37QudxYa?si=hkyi2hIQRT-Mww3RTVT94w
Chapter 5: Crowley and children
so we’re aware that Crowley has strong morals surrounding children, but i raise you: Crowley taking children under his wing at various points throughout history.
Crowley finding children living on the streets as beggars in the 15th century and either finding them families through miracles or teaching them how to fend for themselves and giving them food every day.
Crowley finding an abandoned baby in a park and looking after them, and being very upset (but he won’t admit it) when he finds a home for them to go to.
Bonus points: Aziraphale watches these events and also helps the best he can and always offers to spend time with Crowley when he lets the kids go on their own way in life to cheer him up (but doesn’t mention that he knows the reason).
Crowley and Aziraphale go for dinner at the Ritz one night and Crowley gets very drunk in lieu of eating any actual dinner and upon arriving back at Aziraphale's bookshop, he announces that he forgot to propose and demands that they go back (it's very very late) so he can propose (bonus that Crowley is in A Femme Mood and wearing a dress and points out that really, Azirphale should be proposing but he's not allowed to because "I have the ring angel!! Oh, where did I put it??")
Aziraphale finds the whole thing endearing and has to fight back tears because he's so in Love with this absolute Fool™, and has to persuade Crowley to "please take those heels off dear, you're wobbling an awful lot" and get undressed and go to bed, and placates Crowley with the promise that they can go for lunch so he can propose.
Crowley is a pain to get to bed and talks complete shit when drunk. Gems include "but what if you say no? You wouldn't have said no tonight!" and "you're not allowed to propose now just because I said I'm going to!! That's cheating!! I said it first!!!"
Someone jab me with a pointy stick to remind me to actually write this one. I'd have done it at 11pm when I came up with it, but responsible adult with a job, blah blah.
How are y'all enjoying these premature brain babbies ?
Crowley is an absolute disaster at mario kart: chooses the bulkiest kart because ‘it looks cool!!!’ and so he always struggles to turn and ends up in 9th place consistently, can’t use items to save his life - trips over banana skins because he think they’re coins with his shitty-snake eyesight (poor baby), manages to trip over his own green shells, always manages to fall off the road if it’s possible etc. Aziraphale, on the other hand, is a complete menace - not only is he very good (too good, Crowley is suspicious), but he’s overly competitive and gets way too into it. Crowley finds him playing it at 3 in the morning and swearing profusely every time an item is used against him or he gets overtaken. Crowley ends up hiding the game to try and practice on his own time but Aziraphale gets very aggressive that he’s not allowed to play it (he later apologises when Crowley points out he’s being an absolute nightmare and ruined date night by throwing a wii remote through the TV).
for more terrible content, follow me on tumblr/twitter - @MyChemicalSeal, or for slightly better and more professional content on tumblr - @angelus-a13