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Forget What Hurt You (But Never Forget What It Taught You)

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Taehyung’s sitting in class, 8AM sharp on a Wednesday. He taps on the table restlessly, and his leg shakes under him. He’s jittery, eyes locked on the clock while he counts the seconds until he can escape. He hears the professor remind them of their test next class before bidding them a farewell. Taehyung doesn’t let him finish that sentence and grabs his backpack, throwing it over his shoulder and racing out the door. He takes the steps two at a time, briskly walking down the stairs until he’s finally out of the building. The walk across campus isn’t long, only 15 minutes to reach their apartment.

 

He plays with his engagement ring, a silver band tight on his ring finger. He runs his thumb over it, mindlessly messing with it until he’s in the safety and comfort of his home. It’s been a year since he got engaged, and the two lovebirds have moved into a condo in the eastern part of city, near campus. Taehyung had started school a year later than his friends, but he didn’t mind being behind. Life wasn’t a race. Plus, his friends were already used to the campus, and gave him the grand tour, showing him the dining hall and the buildings of their respective majors.

 

Jimin and Hoseok are dance majors, spending most of their afternoons in the liberal arts building. They also roomed together. Jungkook has a dorm room to himself, not wanting to take his chances on being put together in a room with a stranger. He had decided on majoring in photography, and cooped himself up in the confines of the darkroom located within the depths of the fine arts and visual design building.

 

College doesn’t feel much different from high school, although he’s glad he’s escaped that hellhole, he still dreads going to his college classes. The one thing he did appreciate with college: the flexibility. He had classes Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays, but only in the mornings. This left his afternoons open for shifts at the vet clinic. With how much he’s been working lately, he hasn’t had the time to see his friends. He makes a mental note to text them soon.

 

Bogum got promoted to General Manager of that pizza place they met at, proving himself to be a capable leader when he was still an assistant. He’s one of the youngest general managers the chain has ever had. Taehyung had quit that job shortly after Bogum had been offered the position, since a relationship between a manager and their subordinate was against company policy. Taehyung was eager to leave, eager for a chance to try something new. He was able to get a job as a receptionist at the vet clinic.

 

When he arrives to their home, he rushes into his room and flings off his clothes, pushing his pants down his legs while he shuffles to the closet. He trips over his feet and hits the ground hard, his pants wrapped around his ankles.

 

“Oh fuck, that hurt!” he whines. He dresses into his work scrubs and runs into the kitchen, slamming the refrigerator open to look for food, something he can snack on during the drive to work. He only has 30 minutes until his shift starts. With a turkey sandwich hanging between his lips, he grabs the car keys hanging from the hooks next to the front door and heads out.

 

 

 

 

 

He’s glad he changed his major out of veterinary medicine. He originally thought his love for animals growing up was a sign for him to dedicate his life to helping them. Boy was he wrong. Working at the vet clinic has opened his eyes, and it’s not as cupcakes and rainbows as he was led to believe. The profession requires at least 8 years of school, and even then its highly technical. Running diagnostics, lab testing, and surgeries is not what he imagines he’d want to dedicate his life doing. It’s just not for him. He doesn’t even consider being a vet technician, because they’re overworked and underpaid for the shit they have to put up with, literally. But as a receptionist, Taehyung’s job is pretty easy in comparison. He’s a people- person, and he gets to see different dogs and cats every day. It’s like the best of both worlds.

 

The only downside is when patients visit for other reasons aside from normal health exams, like sick exams and euthanasia appointments. He had to keep himself from crying the first twenty or so times he had to lead a family to the grieving room, their appointment for a euthanasia booked prior. Nothing is more heartbreaking than having to be in a room with a family crying their eyes out as the vet injects the medication that will steal their loved one from them. Watching the life dim in the animal’s eyes is haunting, and there have been a few times where tears did escape down his cheeks. He sniffled discreetly, and took the family’s payment as fast as possible, letting the families grieve in peace. He did desensitize eventually, and although those moments were still sad, he accepted it as a natural part of life.

 

He’s seen some pretty grotesque things too, aside from cleaning up any diarrhea, or bloody urine. Throw up is common too. Cleaning messes like that had him gagging, but he’s learned to avoid breathing when he wipes and disinfects those areas. One of the most interesting things he’s had the pleasure of seeing is watching the vet saw off a dog’s head. It had been an aggressive dog that bit a child. When dogs attack people, they have to be euthanized and their heads have to be sent to animal control for rabies testing. It’s fucked up, but those are precautions set in place for safety and health concerns. He couldn’t turn his eyes away from the vet twisting the dog’s head around until the spine snapped. He heard the echo of breaking bones in his ear for a week. Like he said, it's chilling and fascinating at the same time.

 

When Taehyung arrives at his job, his day is fast-paced and flies by. It’s appointment after appointment, with very few breaks in between checking in their patients, collecting payments, and answering phone calls.  He’s exhausted once he gets home, not from sitting in a chair doing administrative tasks all afternoon but from the physical exertion of holding 90lb dogs down to help the vet techs administer vaccines or take blood samples. They were short on techs, leaving him running back and forth between the front desk and the back to assist with what he could. He smells a bit like anal glands too (dogs secrete pheromones from glands sitting inside their rectum. Dogs usually lick and empty themselves but some dogs have trouble and need it manually done by someone, which is a lot like milking a grape. It’s uncomfortable for both parties.  

 

As someone who knows what it feels like to have fingers shoved up their ass, he sympathizes.

 

He manages to get home before Bogum, like usual, showers, and sets on making dinner. When Bogum gets back at 9pm, he throws himself on the living room couch and groans. Taehyung pokes his head out of the kitchen and smiles, hopping over to give him kisses.

 

“How was work?”

 

Bogum groans loader and rests his arm over his eyes, “Exhausting. I swear my assistants are lazy. I keep trying to motivate them with bonuses for keeping our labor percentage down and our pizza load times low, but they just don’t seem to care. We were #1 in all areas for the first quarter of the year, but we’ve dropped three ranks. It’s stressing me out.” There are purple bags under his eyes, and he reeks of pizza and sweat.

 

Taehyung licks his dry lips and pecks him on the forehead. “I’m sorry, hopefully you can find a solution to that. But enough of work, let yourself relax now.  Go shower so we can eat. I’m almost done with dinner, I made pasta.”

 

Bogum hums and lifts himself off the couch, dragging his body to the bathroom. Taehyung puts the finishing touches on their dinner and puts two large spoonfuls on a large plate, setting it aside for Bogum. He gives himself half a scoop with a small side salad. He gets a bigger bowl out for Bogum’s salad. The man is obsessed with them, so a small salad won’t cut it. When Bogum steps out of the bedroom dressed in his pajamas, his face lights up when Taehyung sets his plate on the dining room table. He comes up behind him and wraps his arms around his waist, pecking Taehyung on the side of his neck before nuzzling his nose against his pulse point and inhaling deeply.

 

“You smell so good,” he mumbles, rubbing his nose up the side of Taehyung’s neck until he reaches his ear, nibbling on it gently. Taehyung flinches at the action, and elbows him in the ribs, urging him to cut out the funny business and to sit down and eat. Bogum chuckles and sits down in his seat and scarfs down his meal like he’s been starved for a week.

 

“Did you not eat lunch today?” Taehyung asks mid-chew.

 

“Nope, didn’t have time. The lunch rush was crazy busy; we made over $1200 in sales in two hours. We got behind on food prep too and spent a majority of the day catching up and immediately preparing for dinner rush so I haven’t had time to eat anything all day.”

 

This was one of the most frustrating things about Bogum. He was so hardworking and dedicated, yet he prioritized his job over his health. He never made time to eat, only eating dinner when he got home. And if Taehyung hadn’t cooked, the other too tired to make anything himself, he would settle for eating fast food. He’d gained a lot of weight from this bad habit, and Taehyung encouraged him time and time again to make time to eat, even if it was small bites as he worked. Taehyung was starting to get tired of nagging him all the time about his unhealthy eating habits.  It was not his job to fret and worry that the other was eating enough or getting enough vegetables. He didn’t want to feel like a mom, but the past few months have been grinding his nerves thin.

 

“You can’t keep doing this, you have to take better care of yourself. I’ll start prepping meals for you to take to work ok? Just make sure you actually eat them.”

 

“Yeah, yeah, sure. That would be great.”

 

Taehyung eyes him warily, but he sighs and finishes his salad.

 

 

 

 

 

On a rare day off together, the two decide to go on a date.

 

They head to an amusement park, the crisp autumn air a bit chilly, but the sun shining down on them in the midst of a cloudless sky leaves them warm enough to leave their jackets in the car. Taehyung’s eyes widen in excitement when he sees an employee dressed up in a bunny costume. He tugs on Bogum’s arm, leading him over to take a picture with the bunny from his childhood. Taehyung has his boxy smile on display, his cheeks scrunching with happiness. He is giving the camera a peace sign, with his other arm wrapped around the bunny’s waist. Bogum snaps a photo of the two, unwilling to take part in the picture. He’s not as photogenic as Taehyung, and enjoys seeing the smile on his fiancé’s face from behind the camera.

 

When Taehyung approaches him to see how the photo came out, Bogum takes a moment to appreciate the beauty he has the pleasure of loving. Taehyung’s golden skin almost twinkles under the sun, his blonde hair rivaling the brightness of his smile. He’s absolutely stunning, and Bogum wastes no time in vocalizing his awe. “You’re gorgeous. I can’t believe you’re mine.” Bogum leans in and presses a kiss to Taehyung’s cheek. Taehyung’s smiles again, his cheeks a light pink, eyes glittering with mirth.  He wraps his arms around him, and the two spend a moment basking in each other’s presence, ignoring the crowd walking around them.

 

The two head towards the tallest rollercoaster in the park when Taehyung mentions Jungkook’s new boyfriend.

 

“Kookie got himself a boyfriend ey?” Bogum smirks at the news.

 

“He texted me gushing over his new relationship and how perfect Namjoon is. I wasn’t even aware he was crushing on anyone!” Taehyung pouts. “I feel so betrayed. I should have been the first to know but nope! I find out after they’re already together.” Taehyung kicks a rock, watching it bounce off the pavement and roll off the sidewalk.

 

“How’d they meet?”

 

The two have reached the ride named “Death Trap”, and Taehyung gulps nervously, craning his neck up to see how tall the roller-coaster is. “Apparently Jimin introduced them. I haven’t heard the details yet. Jungkook wants us all to go on a double-date.” The line moves quickly, and they reach the front within minutes.

 

“I’d be down,” Bogum drawls. “We should check out that new arcade that opened up on the other side of town. Kookie would love that. It opens up sometime next week. “ The park attendant ushers the next set of people to get into the now empty cars after the previous guests have left. Taehyung feels his hands start to shake when Bogum pulls down the metal bars to lock them into place.

 

“Y-yeah, that’d be perfect, I’ll text him so we can figure out a time and day to meet up.”

 

Bogum had chosen for them to sit in the very first car, and once the car jolts forward, Taehyung clenches the handles on the bars across his chest. “Oh god I can’t believe I let you talk me into this, I hate roller-coasters.”

 

Bogum nudges Taehyung with his foot, and he tears his eyes away from their steady ascent up the hill. He looks Bogum in the eyes, fear written all over his face. Bogum’s gaze softens as he holds his hand out. Taehyung intertwines their fingers together, clenching his shaking palm against his. When the car halts at the very top of the hill, Taehyung clenches his eyes shut.

 

“I hate you, I hate you, I hate you, I hate-“ Taehyung is cut off by his own shrieking when the car descends down the rails rapidly. He’s screaming bloody murder, and he can hear Bogum’s airy laughter next to him, one of his favorite sounds in the whole world.

 

Maybe he'll forgive him after all.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

The two return home in the evening, happiness and love radiating from their hearts.

 

They reach the bedroom and eagerly disrobe, their mouths meeting in a hot passionate kiss. Their hands wander down their bodies, exploring skin they’ve become well acquainted with. Taehyung presses a kiss to the corner of his mouth and giggles when Bogum starts pressing kisses all over his face, first his eyelids, his chin, and then the tip of his nose.

 

“Um, I don’t really feel like having sex, can we just lay here and cuddle?” Taehyung has his head resting on Bogum’s chest, feeling all tension in his body leave as he listens to the soothing rhythm of his beating heart. Bogum pulls Taehyung closer and his thumb caresses his shoulder. Taehyung sighs, his heart swelling with love and happiness.

 

He is half-asleep when he feels a hand slither between his legs, trying to coax him into arousal. Taehyung is groggy, and he turns his head to glance at Bogum, who’s eyes are heavy-lidded, pupils dilated with lust. He glances down and notices Bogum is hard, his other hand stroking his shaft lazily. He runs his eyes back up to Bogum’s and slurs, “I don’t feel like it right now, I just want to sleep.”

 

Bogum’s eyes are pleading, “Please? I want you so bad.”

 

Taehyung nods his head in refusal, “I’m so tired, I just want to sleep.”

 

“Please? You don’t have to do anything, I’ll do all the work.”

 

Taehyung sighs. He’s reluctant, and secretly hopes if he pretends to fall back asleep that Bogum will leave him alone and take care of himself instead. When he feels a lubbed finger slide between his cheeks, that hope vanishes. He lets himself be fucked like a doll, lets himself be used until the other finishes inside him, his hot breath fanning the back of Taehyung’s neck.

 

“Thank you babe,” Bogum says as he wipes down the mess leaking out of Taehyung’s gaping hole.

 

When he hears the other shift in bed, snores filling the air shortly after, he realizes Bogum has already fallen asleep. Taehyung closes his eyes, finally able to rest like he wanted.

 

When he opens them a few minutes later, he realizes he isn’t sleepy anymore.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I hear something shattering

It suddenly wakes me up

I hear strange sounds

I try covering my ears but I can’t fall back asleep

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

“I wasn’t even sure if he liked me but as soon as he saw me he flushed bright red and tripped. He’s so clumsy and cute oh my gosh.”  Jungkook has been eagerly babbling about Namjoon, gushing over all his cute habits. Taehyung glances over his shoulder and sees Jimin and Hoseok laying on the bed, their feet kicking the air as they scroll through their phones, snickering quietly, probably laughing over memes. The four of them had texted earlier in the week about gathering at Jungkook’s dorm after classes. Instead of going straight home like he normally did after class, Taehyung decided to go to the library and spent the rest of the afternoon doing homework there. Once Jungkook got off class, he met up with the others and came here.

 

“Jungkook, you should be thanking me. I knew the moment I met him that you two would be perfect together.” Jimin’s smirking at Jungkook from over his phone. His eyes widen and he quickly rolls to the side to avoid the shoe thrown at him.

 

Hoseok quickly slides off the bed when he sees Jungkook lunge at Jimin, the two wrestling on the bed as they argue.

 

“I’m still lost. So Jimin didn’t introduce them?”

 

Jimin and Jungkook pause their fighting and yell at the same time—

 

“I did!

“He didn’t!”

 

The two glare at each other and continue their bickering and wrestling. Hoseok scoots himself across the floor to where Taehyung is seated, stealing a few chips from the bag he’s currently eating. In between mouthfuls, he explains, “Namjoon-hyung is a tutor in his free time. He tutored Jimin in sociology freshman year and helped him pass the class. He kept his number in case he needed help in another class, but gave it to Kookie when he mentioned he was struggling in that subject too.

 

Taehyung’s lips form an “O” at the revelation. After he takes a sip of his soda to wash down the rest of his chips, he belches loudly. “A student and his tutor get together. Why does this sound like the beginning of a bad porno.”

 

Jimin shoves Jungkook off the bed with his foot, and Jungkook yelps when he hits the ground. He rubs his elbow and gives Jimin a dirty glare. “Our love story is too pure to be a porno. Besides, we haven’t had sex yet. Unlike Taehyung, who had sex three months into his relationship with Bogum, we are taking things slow.”

 

Taehyung shrugs his shoulders. “I’m not ashamed. We both talked about it and we were already 18 anyways. We were curious what the fuss was about.”

 

Jimin repositions himself on the bed, and Jungkook climbs back on top of it, sitting against the wall. Hoseok had stood up and taken a seat in Jungkook’s rolling chair, propping his feet up on the desk and a opening a new bag of chips he stole from Jungkook’s secret snack stash. “How’s the sex going between you two anyways? Does it still hurt? You told us you were having trouble.”

 

Taehyung chews on his bottom lip absentmindedly, “I mean, I guess it’s okay? I honestly don’t see what the excitement is around it. I don’t think it’s all that great. I rather watch tv or read a book to be honest.”

 

“Maybe you guys aren’t doing it right? Have you tried sex toys or maybe watching porn together? It’s not supposed to hurt,” Jimin adds. “It was really uncomfortable the first few times until I learned how to prep myself properly, but I love it now. My ex and I could go at it like rabbits. It was fucking fantastic.”

 

“I know I haven’t had sex yet, so I can’t really give any helpful input, but I’ve read that emotions and mental stimulation can affect sex drive.” Jungkook taps on his chin and tilts his head to the side in thought. “Has anything changed between you two?”

 

Taehyung opens his mouth to reply but finds himself wordless. Have things changed? He doesn’t even remember the last time he and Bogum had sex, the two barely see each other with their opposite work schedules. By the time Bogum gets home from work, Taehyung is already fast asleep. He hadn’t realized how long he’s been without sex, but the most shocking of it all is how much he doesn’t care.

 

The thought didn’t occur to him until it was mentioned.

 

Taehyung purses his lips and tells them “No, everything is fine,” steering the conversation to Hoseok, who begins explaining the new choreography he and Jimin are creating. He’s quiet the rest of the night, only adding brief commentary here and there. He’s not ready to share his thoughts with them when he doesn’t understand them himself.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Bogum is currently laying between his legs, caressing the back of Taehyung’s thighs as he takes him into his mouth. He hallows his cheeks and bobs his head up and down, forcing a whimper from Taehyung’s lips mid-sentence. “

 

A-ah!” he pants, licking his lips before resuming his story. "So this customer is standing in the lobby, bitching about how long she’s been waiting, when she can clearly see I’m doing my best trying to juggle the phone calls and the influx of customers waiting to be checked out-“

 

Bogum slides a hand up to Taehyung’s chest, and pinches a nipple. Taehyung jerks at the feeling but continues talking. “There’s not any rooms available yet! So I have to tell her ‘ma’am, I’m waiting on a room to become available, I told you there would be a wait since you are a walk- in, the vet will see you as soon as they can' ”.

 

Bogum slurps loudly, and tries to bob his head faster, moving his hand down to cup Taehyung’s balls, but Taehyung remains unfazed by the feeling. “Then she-“

 

Bogum pulls Taehyung’s semi-hard dick out of his mouth and snaps, “Can you stop talking? This story isn’t a turn on, in fact it’s the opposite. You killed my boner as soon as you started talking about work.”

 

Taehyung flinches at the harsh attitude, guilt washing over him for ruining their moment together. “S-sorry, we haven’t spent a lot of time together lately and I wanted to tell you about my day like I listen to you tell me about yours.”

 

“Look, do you want to fuck or not? Cause if not, then I’m going to sleep.”

 

Taehyung drops his gaze to the side and mumbles sheepishly, “Sorry, I’ll shut up now.”

 

“Okay. Turn around, I want to fuck you doggy style.”

 

Taehyung nods his head and flips over. He closes his eyes and tries to enjoy the moment, but his mind ends up wandering to the errands he needs to get done later this week. He feels Bogum enter him with minimal prep time so the stretch burns despite the copious amounts of lube he feels dripping down his crack. Taehyung starts to stroke himself to ease his mind off the pain. He hears Bogum moaning in pleasure behind him, his name falling out of his mouth in between gasps of ‘you feel so good’, ‘so tight for me’ , ‘you like that yeh? You must love how I fuck you’.

 

Yet, the only thing on his mind is whether he remembered to finish his homework or not.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

The pain in my throat gets worse,

Try to cover it

I don’t have a voice,

Today I hear that sound again

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Taehyung is working on his history homework on the dining room table when Bogum wraps his arms around his shoulders, whispering seductively in his ear, “Babe, I want you.”

 

“Not now, I have to finish this, it’s due tomorrow.”  The lie slips out easily without Taehyung noticing it. The report isn’t due for another two weeks.

 

“You said we could have sex tonight,” Bogum nuzzles his chin into Taehyung’s shoulder. “It’s been a stressful week, and I want to unwind.”

 

Taehyung sighs and tears his eyes from his laptop. “I’ll help you when I’m done, promise.”

 

Bogum slumps his body in defeat mumbling something under his breath that Taehyung doesn’t catch. “What did you say?”

 

Bogum rolls his eyes and heads to the bedroom, “Nothing.”

 

Taehyung focuses back on his laptop, ignoring the attitude Bogum gave him. He spends the next hour adding the finishing touch on his book report, a review he had to do for the book they were assigned to read in class. He glances at the time, 11PM. He looks over his shoulder towards the bedroom and sees the light off. He breathes a sigh of relief. He shuts his laptop and turns off the dining room light, tip toeing to the bedroom. He tries to be quiet as he slips into the bathroom to wash his face and brush his teeth. When he slips under the covers, he holds his breath and listens to his partner’s even breathing.

 

Good, he’s asleep. Taehyung lets himself relax, loosening all the tense muscles in his body and letting himself drift off to sleep.

 

“So I guess we’re not having sex again? Not like this is the first time you’ve promised something and fell through with it.”

 

Taehyung freezes, but tries to relax his body again to play it off like he’s fallen asleep. Bogum sighs loudly, and flips onto his side, back facing Taehyung as he aggressively pulls the blankets toward him. Taehyung doesn’t fight it and continues to pretend he’s already asleep.

 

Guilt starts to simmer in his belly.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

The fall semester is finally over, and although it’s been two months since Jungkook and Taehyung had initially agreed to have a double-date, working around all four of their schedules has been a headache. Luckily for them, the winter break was easier to mediate a day and time that worked for everyone.

 

“You never want to do anything anymore! It’s been MONTHS since we last had sex!”

 

“I gave you a hand job two weeks ago! And I even tried giving you a blowjob last week!”

 

“I didn’t even get to finish! You stuck my dick in your mouth and you just sucked on it for a few minutes and then told me you were bored and left me hard! If you’re not going to let me finish why bother at all?! Stop being such a tease!”

 

“Because when I tell you I don’t want to, you complain. And when I try but don’t do good enough, you still complain! What the fuck do you want from me!?”

 

“I want you to want me the way I want you!”

 

There is only silence between them, their heavy breathing from their heated argument filling the car with tension.

 

“I’m sorry…..I-I’ll try to do better. I don’t know what’s wrong with me, I promise I’ll do better.” Taehyung’s apology sits on his tongue like acid.

 

They had arrived at the arcade and have been waiting in the car for Jungkook to text them that they arrived. Bogum runs a hand over his face, irritation marring his features. “We’ll talk about this later.” He steps out of the car and slams the door.

 

Taehyung sits in the car patiently, but after a full minute passes, he gets out of the car and walks up to Bogum’s side. He questions when Bogum had stopped opening the car door for him. He’d been doing it since they first started dating, and they’ve recently celebrated their 4th anniversary. Taehyung bites his lip and mindlessly fumbles with the stainless-steel ring on his ring finger. He feels his phone vibrate in his pocket with what he assumes to be a text from Jungkook, but he doesn’t bother pulling it out to check because he sees Jungkook and an unfamiliar face walking towards them. Bogum clears his throat and greets the stranger, introducing himself and then greeting Jungkook. Taehyung introduces himself as well, taking in the dark brown locks of the stranger, his gentle eyes and aweing at the two dimples that appear at the edges of his smile. Taehyung decides he likes him already.

 

“I’m Namjoon, it’s a pleasure to make your acquaintance.” His voice is warm like caramel, sweet and deliciously rich.

 

“I’m Taehyung, nice to meet you. I’ve heard a lot about you!” Taehyung smirks at Jungkook, who glares at him. Jungkook mouths back ‘don’t embarrass me’. Taehyung rolls his eyes. He’s going to have so much fun teasing the other. The couples decide to grab some food and drinks first, and then challenge each other to arcade battles after.

 

The group is munching on burgers and fries, and Taehyung completely forgets about the tense atmosphere between him and Bogum as he throws himself over his fiancé’s lap, laughing at the jokes and puns Namjoon smoothly transitions in when the timing is appropriate. Apparently Namjoon’s roommate takes pride in the amount of dad jokes he knows, and Taehyung begged for him to introduce them, knowing they’d get along perfectly. Namjoon chuckles and agrees to introduce Taehyung to his roommate, maybe sometime over their winter break.

 

Bogum hits it off really well with Namjoon, the two engaging in a deep conversation concerning the Jungian model of the psyche. Taehyung doesn’t know how they reached this topic, but he tunes them out in favor of talking to Kookie. He glances to make sure the two aren’t paying attention to him and leans over the table, covering his mouth with the side of his hand in case Namjoon knows how to read lips. “I really like him Kookie. You guys are so cute together. You should see the way he looks at you when you aren’t paying attention.”

 

Jungkook flushes and wiggles in his seat, the tips of his ears burning red. Taehyung coos and reaches his hand out to pinch one of his cheeks. Jungkook slaps his hand away, his eyes crinkling and nose scrunching up when he laughs. As his laughter chimes through the air he fails to notice Namjoon pause mid-conversation to glance at him, an endearing smile on his lips. Taehyung notices though, and his heart softens to see the affection Namjoon show’s his best friend.

 

Later on in the night, while Bogum and Jungkook are double-teaming a mission to kill zombies on one of the arcade games, Taehyung spends more time getting to know Namjoon. Namjoon is in the middle of playing pac-man but he answers Taehyung’s questions without hesitation. “I’m a psychology major, but I am minoring in music composition.” Namjoon successfully beats the level he’s on and the game moves on to the next level, the ghosts even faster than before.

 

“That seems like two very distinct subjects though.” Taehyung furrows his eyebrows, trying to figure out a connection between the two.

 

“I think enriching myself with knowledge of human emotion and behavior will help me with my writing. Words hold power, and I want to use those words to properly express topics and issues that are normally taboo to discuss. A fundamental foundation in psychology will help me approach sensitive subjects with care and delicacy”. He gets too absorbed in the conversation and loses focus, accidentally corning himself with the yellow and red ghosts hot on his ass. Namjoon frowns when the game blinks ‘GAME OVER’. He turns to look at Taehyung, a sweet smile returning to his lips.

 

“What about you? Kook told me you were undecided. Have you found something that interests you now that your first semester is over?”

 

Taehyung tries to hide the small smile when he hears the nickname Namjoon has given his best friend. They really are too cute. “I think I want to major in vocal performance. I’ve always loved singing, but I looked at the classes available for the spring semester and I’m really limited on what classes I can take because of my current part- time job,” he says dejectedly.

 

Namjoon is quiet for a moment, the silence stretching between them, but its not noticeable with the yelling and screaming of the people around them who are over- dramatic with their wins or losses. “I’m actually pretty close to the administrative staff in the music building, and I know here in the next few weeks they’ll be looking for a new desk clerk.” Namjoon rubs his chin in thought, “I’m sure they’d be more than willing to accommodate your class schedule. The pay will be pretty good too.”

 

Taehyung’s eyes widen at the possible job prospect, and he feels excitement bubble inside him, his fingers tingling with energy. “If I officially declare my major, I’ll already be in that building anyways! T-that would be amazing Namjoon-ssi!”

 

“I can text you once the job is officially posted, so you can send your application in. And call me hyung, we’ll be seeing a lot more of each other after all,” he winks.

 

The smile Taehyung gives him is radiant, full of appreciation and gratitude. But that smile slips off his lips later that night--

 

Bogum brings up the argument they had in the car andTaehyung’s mood sours, knowing he shouldn’t have to do something he doesn’t want to do. Simple as that.

 

He tucks himself into bed and reads some fanfiction over an anime he recently finished watching. He's accompanied by Bogum an hour later, who had been in the living room watching tv until now. When he hears the bedroom door creak open, Taehyung shuts off his phone as quickly as he can. His heart is racing in his chest as he closes his eyes to feign sleep. He hears the rustle of clothing, probably Bogum undressing, and then hears him peel back the covers and slip underneath them into bed. It's quiet for a few seconds, until Taehyung starts to hear the familiar sound of skin slapping on skin. When Bogum goes at it for 30 minutes without a release, he hears him groan in frustration. Taehyung doesn’t move and focuses on trying to regulate his breathing to keep up his act. He hears Bogum sigh loudly, but makes no move to help him.

 

The guilt builds up again in his belly, and he curls in on himself in shame.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

“You told me you would try! So why aren’t you trying? I miss you.”

 

“No, you don’t miss me, I’m right here. You just miss my body. And I have been trying. But it hurts! Sex doesn’t feel good! I’ve gotten toys, we’ve tried so many things but I just- I don’t know. I don’t like to. It hurts.”

 

“We used to do it all the time! It’s because we haven’t been doing it often enough that it hurts. If we start doing it more often it will get better.”

 

“But I don't want to. You have a fucking hand! You’ve used it for years up until this point, so why not use it now?”

 

“It doesn’t feel the same!”

 

Taehyung doesn’t respond. He’s laying on his side of the bed, facing the wall. He turns around to look at Bogum’s back and sighs, scooting closer to him. “Hey, I’m sorry.”

 

Bogum doesn’t reply, so Taehyung tries again. “I’m sorry, I promise I’ll try harder.” Bogum still doesn’t respond, even when Taehyung starts shaking his shoulder, even when tears start to prickle his eyes at being blatantly ignored like this. “Please, please, I’m sorry, Bogum please. Please look at me please! I’m sorry, I’m sorry. I promise I’ll try! I promise! Just please don’t hate me.”

 

Bogum does not reply, even when Taehyung starts to frantically shake him, begging for him to respond; even when the tears fall down his cheeks, even when his voice cracks on his last plea. "Please don't hate me-"

 

Taehyung gives up, and scoots back to his side of the bed and clutches at his shirt desperately, sobs wrecking their way through his chest as his tears soak into his pillow.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

The arguments never end.

 

Taehyung gives in to the other’s wishes and pleas, so he’s not hated, so he doesn't disappoint him.

 

But each time he gives himself, he feels himself cracking inside.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

That sound is ringing again

Another crack forms on this frozen lake

I left myself behind on that lake

My voice was buried for you

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Taehyung is standing in the kitchen, a large over-sized shirt covering his broad frame, his thighs flexing with each step as he cleans the counters and washes the dishes. Bogum is staring at him hungrily from the couch, as if Taehyung were purposely trying to seduce him. He's just trying to clean their messy house.

 

Bogum comes up behind him, and starts caressing Taehyung’s chest, his fingers brushing over his nipples. Taehyung shivers, and Bogum thinks he likes it, but Taehyung had not expected the feather light touch and he’s ticklish. He doesn’t have the heart to voice out the truth, to start another fight. He gives into Bogum, and lets himself be whisked off to the bedroom, swallowing the dread in the back of his throat.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Taehyung decides not to enroll in classes for the spring semester. When Namjoon texts him that the position is up on the university’s job listings, he responds saying that he decided to stay at the vet clinic for a little longer. Namjoon replies saying that he’ll let him know if another position like that opens up again sometime in the future. Taehyung is thankful he has someone to call a hyung now.

 

Taehyung picks up more shifts at the clinic, telling them he can work full-time hours for the time being. When he gets off work, he either lounges in Jungkook’s dorm room or spends time watching Jimin and Hoseok practice in the dance hall. He tries to occupy himself, especially on the days he knows Bogum has off. He heads straight to bed when he gets home.

 

Sometimes on a closing shift, Bogum will wake him up when he gets home. Taehyung sits up, flinging the blanket off his legs aggressively. He’s fucking tired, and he wants to go to sleep because its 2AM and he has to be up at the ass crack of dawn for work; but the faster he gets this over with the faster he can go back to sleep. He isn’t aroused at all, because he really doesn’t want to do this with how tired he is, but he throws his thigh over Bogum’s lap to straddle him. He smashes his mouth against Bogum’s and Bogum growls, his hands gripping at Taehyung’s waist. He starts to grind up into Taehyung, and Taehyung begins to harden, not because he’s aroused, but because its his bodies natural reaction to the blood flowing more liberally through his body. Taehyung tangles his fingers in the other’s hair and tugs, pulling a hearty groan from the other’s lips. Taehyung trails sloppy kisses down his neck, releasing his grip on the other’s hair and snaking his hand between them until he reaches Bogum’s cock.

 

He gives him a few pumps, and Bogum peels his boxer briefs down, freeing his hardened member from the confines of his underwear. He moans as he feels the chilly hair nip at his cock. Taehyung grimaces but wraps his warm hand around him, stroking him softly. Taehyung presses kisses onto Bogum’s chest as he fists him, thumbing the head until he hears Bogum whine. He picks up his pace, Bogum thrusting into his hand as he approaches his climax.

 

When strings of white paint over his knuckles in sticky ribbons, Taehyung pulls his hand away and gets up from the bed, grabbing a dirty shirt off the floor and cleaning the residue off Bogum’s stomach. He takes himself to the bathroom to wash the cum off his hands, and when he tucks himself back into bed, he realizes he’s now wide awake again, the drowsiness from earlier completely gone. His blankets are scattered by his feet, and the snores coming from the body sleeping soundly next to him is ringing in his ears.

 

He turns his head to the side, and he has to swallow the resentment that bubbles in his throat as he glances at his fiancé.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Taehyung finds himself subconsciously pulling away from his partner’s touch. He doesn’t realize he’s doing it, but he stops greeting Bogum with kisses, and stops snuggling into his arms when he was once so eager for skin to skin contact. Sometimes when Taehyung fakes a yawn and tells the other he’s going to bed, he pretends he doesn’t notice the sad look on his fiancé’s face.

 

He’s fine, he really is.

 

He doesn’t tell his friends what’s happening when they meet up and catch up on their lives. He soaks up the joy he feels when he’s with them, and forces down the sadness that threatens to consume him.

 

“How’s it going for you and Bogum Tae?” Jimin asks, Jungkook and Hoseok turning to look at him.

 

He had invited them over to his condo today. It was spring break, so the other three were free from classes, and he had decided to call in sick to work. He wasn't in the mood to deal with a bunch of people. Taehyung smiles, but it doesn’t reach his eyes. “We set the date for the wedding next year. Exactly a year from now, in April.”

 

Jimin gasps, his eyes glittering with the gold eye shadow he put on them and plump lips covered in gloss. “Oh my god, are we going to be your groomsmen? Am I going to be the best man?!”

 

Taehyung rubs the back of his head nervously, “Er, actually, no groomsmen for either of us. We want to do something small, a destination wedding, just family and a few friends.”

 

Jimin’s smile falters a bit, “Oh.”

 

“But you guys will still be there! Um, I originally wanted to elope and have it be only the two of us, but Bogum wanted his family there, said they would be heartbroken if they didn’t get to be there with us on our special day.”

 

“Oh we definitely would have killed you if you got married without us,” Hoseok adds in.

 

“Yup, literally murdered you,” Jungkook says.

 

Taehyung chuckles softly.

 

He doesn’t mention that he wouldn’t mind dying anyways.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Bogum has been working 9 days straight, having to stay later to make up for the absence of his assistants who are out on vacation. His work has been stressing him more so than usual, and although Taehyung feels overwhelmed, he tries his best to accommodate Bogum has much as he can. He cooks and cleans, or at least tries too. He feels like he’s been lacking energy these days, and the house increasingly gets more filthy as time passes.

 

Bogum has just gotten home, slipping off his shoes and trudging to the bedroom to shower the sweat and grime off his body. When Taehyung feels the couch dip next to him, he lays his head on Bogum’s shoulder, who presses a kiss to Taehyung’s temple. Taehyung intertwines his fingers with his, and brings his hands up to his lips to press a chaste kiss to his knuckle. His nose crinkles at the smell of cheese and black olives still stuck to his beloved’s skin. The down side of working with pizza all day. He doesn't miss the way his hands would smell like that too.

 

“How was your day?”

 

Taehyung perks up at the question, feeling a little emotionally neglected lately with Bogum’s entire focus on his job. “My day was good! I got to see a bunch of puppies at work today. They were so cute! There was a furry german shepherd puppy that was to die for. He was so adorable I almost cried.”

 

Bogum laughs softly as Taehyung goes on a rant about how cute things make him feel like breaking down a wall, or setting something on fire. His voice is full of so much enthusiasm and he finds it to be the most endearing quality of his partner. Silence falls over the two, but it’s not uncomfortable. It’s moments like this Taehyung enjoys the most.

 

“I love you,” Bogum says.

 

Taehyung stares at him a with a stoic expression. He turns away to look somewhere else when he responds, not wanting to look Bogum in the eyes.

 

“I love you too.”

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Above the winter lake where I’m left alone

There’s a thick sheet of ice

Even in my momentary dreams

The illusions that torture me are still the same

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Taehyung snaps and raises his voice, the heat simmering beneath his skin finally boiling over. “All you care about is sex, sex, sex. I’m more than some piece of meat you get to fuck! I have feelings and I understand you have needs but you have a fucking hand! You can masturbate, you can stick a dildo up your ass if you wanted to, hell, you could even get a fucking fleshlight! Why do I have to keep forcing myself like this for you?!” His voice cracks, and he wishes he didn’t cry whenever he gets frustrated or angry, but the tears start to spill over beyond his control. “I’m trying so hard for you, and I’m sorry I keep promising you things I never end up giving you, but I just can’t anymore. I can’t.

 

Bogum stares at him, jaw slacked in shock as he watches the love of his life fall apart in front of him. He wraps his arms around Taehyung and whispers apology after apology, begging him to stop crying, giving him words of affirmation and promises to back off, that he’ll try to stop bothering him about it.

 

Taehyung keeps on crying, his hands fisting Bogum’s shirt. Because he knows. He knows Bogum will back off, but it will only last a few weeks until he returns to begging and guilting Taehyung into sex. He wishes those words whispered in his ear held truth, but he knows by now they don’t. Taehyung lets himself cry until the sobs leave him breathless and exhausted. He lets Bogum re-adjust him so his head is snuggled into the crook of his neck, and he’s running his hands up and down his back in a soothing manner. His tears have stopped, but his eyes don’t leave the ugly stain he notices on the beige wall of their bedroom.

 

He doesn’t remember it being there when they moved in.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Taehyung feels those hands he once loved on him, but instead of warm caresses it feels as though those fingers burn every inch of skin they touch. He is laying on his back, completely bare, the warm air of the room enveloping his body. He’s been dreading this. He has been dreading this all week, but he has put it off for too long. He knows if he just gives in and gives him what he wants he won’t have to do this again for at least another few weeks. When Bogum returns from the bathroom, a brand new bottle of lube in his hand and a wide smile on his face, Taehyung shivers. He gulps and lays his head back down against the mattress.

 

Bogum notices his expression and halts, “Are you sure you want to do this?”

 

Taehyung eagerly nods because he wants to get it over with already. Bogum hovers over his body, already nude himself, and presses his lips against Taehyung’s. He kisses back, pressing his lips firmly against the other. He feels a wet tongue swipe his bottom lip, asking permission to slip into his mouth. Taehyung obliges, and their tongues spend minutes exploring their mouths.

 

It feels wrong. He doesn’t know when these kisses he used to love so much became so foreign to him. Bogum kisses passionately, trying to excite him. Taehyung can only try and go along with it, to pretend he’s into it. When their kisses become languid, Bogum starts to nip at Taehyung’s jawline, and he works his way down his neck and over his chest. He focuses all his attention on his nipples, rolling the nub around with his tongue, and he pinches the other one in between his fingers. Taehyung’s back arches off the bed, and a groan escapes his lips.

 

“Please don’t pinch or suck too hard” he pleads.

 

Bogum leans back, a trail of saliva connecting his lip to the hardened bud. Bogum trails kisses down his soft stomach, stopping at the happy trail of hair that leads to his soft cock. Taehyung breathes a sigh of relief now that his nipples are free from the abuse. They have desensitized by now, no longer giving him the shocks of pleasure they used to when played with.

 

“You’re not hard.”

 

Taehyung who has had his eyes closed until now, snaps them open.“It’s fine, just- just keep going.”

 

“No, you’re not into it.”

 

 When was the last time he was into it? Taehyung feels tears well up in his eyes. If they stop now, he’ll just have to go through all this again in the next few days. They’ve gotten this far already, he only has to put up with a little more.

 

“Just, just keep going. Eat me, that always gets me hard.”

 

Bogum sighs and pats his right hip, signaling him to turn around on his stomach. Taehyung twists himself and perks his bottom up. He burrows his face into the blankets and after a few seconds he flinches when he feels that cold tongue rimming his entrance. Bogum kneads at the globes of his ass and moans as he sticks his tongue inside him. It’s messy, and he can feel saliva dripping down the inside of his thighs. Taehyung internally cringes. He used to love this so much, though the initial excitement had evaporated years ago. This doesn’t hurt. This feels okay. This feels nice.

 

Bogum's tongue dances around his hole, letting Taehyung's greedy hole suck him in. The sounds of slurping and sucking are jarring to his ears as Bogum devours him. Maybe it won't be so bad this time. It's the same lie he always tells himself. Taehyung feels all his muscles tense when a finger prods his entrance and enters him. He spoke too soon.

 

“Babe, you have to relax, you’re too tight.”

 

Taehyung tries to will mental images that used to get him off when he was younger into his head but nothing works. Nothing arouses him. He focuses on his breathing instead.

 

“There you go.”

 

When Taehyung feels a second and third finger enter him, he curses.“M-more lube, I need more lube!”

 

Bogum removes his fingers too fast and Taehyung squeaks, his hole clenching immediately. The fingers enter him again, and the pain lulls to discomfort with the added lubrication. Bogum pumps his fingers, scissoring them, and works Taehyung open. He can feel those fingers hooking inside him, desperately searching for the bundle of nerves that would send him keening into the sheets. He doesn't want these fingers inside him anymore. 

 

“I’m ready, just stick it in,” he says despairingly.

 

Bogum wastes no time in sliding into Taehyung. The stretch hurts, the fingers not wide enough to mimic the fullness Bogum’s cock gives him.

 

He doesn't want a dick inside him. 

 

“No wait, turn around instead. I want to see all of you.”

 

Taehyung flips over, and hooks his arms behind his knees, curling them into his chest to give Bogum easier access. When he feels the tip of his cock enter him again, Taehyung clenches his eyes as tight as he can.

 

“Oh fuck, you’re so tight,” he moans. “You feel so good babe.”

 

Taehyung has his hands fisted tightly around the sheets he’s laying on. His knuckles are almost white with the lack of blood because of how hard he is gripping it. His dick is soft as it rests on his stomach. Taehyung feels his pulse pounding loudly in his ears as Bogum keeps inching more of himself inside him. When their hips meet, Bogum stills to allow Taehyung to adjust. The blood rushing through his body from panic has finally reached his dick because it starts to rise and harden. Taehyung curses his body for betraying him. He lifts his head and peeks at Bogum, who has his eyes closed, lost in the warmth that Taehyung's tight hole gives him.

 

Taehyung curses inwardly and shuts his eyes again, throwing his head back onto the mattress. They’re almost done. Just a little longer. He can do this. He's survived this for months now. He can take it. 

 

“Ready?”

 

Taehyung nods silently, flinging his arm over his face in an attempt to hide the tears he knows will come. Bogum’s thrusts start deliberately slow, but he gradually picks up speed. By the time he’s pounding into him, there are moans and groans and curses of how good it feels to be inside him, fucking him with everything he has. Taehyung whimpers, and his chin quivers as the tears well in his eyes, spilling over onto his cheeks, trailing down to his chin.

 

A broken cry escapes his lips, and Bogum growls. He peeks at Bogum, and the two share eye contact for a brief moment. Bogum closes his eyes again, his lips in a silent “O” as a particular thrust has him seeing stars. Taehyung wonders if Bogum has noticed his body’s lack of a response, if he cares enough to see just how unwilling he is to continue this, or if he’s so lost in his own heaven that he doesn’t realize these broken whimpers and tears are of pain and not of pleasure.

 

Bogum doesn't look at him again.

 

Taehyung cries silently as Bogum keeps thrusting into him, wanting this to stop. He knows the other is close, and has to bear with it for just a little longer, just a little longer. His chest is heaving with the sobs he tries to quietly suppress, while the other’s chest heaves from physical exertion. He feels disgusting. He can’t begin to explain the wrongness of it, of why his body refuses to listen to his commands to relax. His body doesn't want this either, and it tenses to try to protect itself. This only makes it hurt worse. 

 

“I l-love you,” Bogum says, “I love you so fucking much.”

 

He leans in to peck Taehyung on the lips, but Taeyhung turns his head to the side at the last second. Bogum doesn’t notice he had purposely done so.

 

“I-I’m gonna cum, I’m gonna cum- I’m gonna-“

 

Taehyung feels his warm seed explode inside him, and with one final thrust, Bogum stills, filling him to the brim. His eyes are dazed, pupils dilated and chest heaving. There’s sweat beading on his forehead. He doesn’t ask why Taehyung is trembling, too absorbed in ecstasy. With a satisfied sigh he flops over onto the bed, not bothering to clean himself nor to wipe him down. He passes out instantly, lips parted and eyelashes fluttering, mellow snores that sound like nails on a chalkboard in Taehyung's ears. He lays there for a while, motionless, the tears drying on his cheeks now that he has pulled his arm away from his face. When he feels the tackiness of cum coating the inside of his cheeks as it spills out of his abused hole, he gets up and waddles to the bathroom. He sits on the toilet, letting gravity expel the fluid inside him. He wipes himself quickly and closes the bathroom door, returning to sit on the toilet seat and dropping his head in between his legs.

 

He cries for what feels like hours, voice hitching and cracking with the sobs tearing his throat apart.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Have I lost myself?

Or have I gained you?

I suddenly run to the lake

There’s my face in it

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Taehyung doesn’t realize he’s sinking until his lungs are almost filled with water. He wonders when he became a shell of what he used to be, when he had sunken into the familiar waters that once drowned him.

 

He hates himself.

 

He hates himself more than he has ever hated anyone in his life.

 

Each day he wishes death upon the person who stares back at him in the mirror. If he were normal they wouldn’t be fighting every week over this. If he were normal he wouldn’t cry himself to sleep after giving himself to the one he loves. If he were normal, he wouldn’t be suffering like he is now.

 

 

 

‘Why was I born broken?'

 

 

 

 

‘What is wrong with me?’

 

 

 

 

 

‘I don’t want to be this way’

 

 

 

 

 

 

‘please, I want to be normal, please’

 

 

 

 

 

 

‘I don’t want to feel this pain anymore, please, please, please kill me’

 

 

 

 

 

 

‘please kill me’

 

 

 

 

 

 

please’

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Please, don’t say anything

I hold out my hand to cover your mouth

But in the end, spring will come some day

The ice will melt away

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Bogum is silent, refusing to look at Taehyung. He’s angry, frustrated that Taehyung won’t give him what he wants. He tries to be strong, tries to hold his ground. But guilt has almost finished consuming him, and he hates himself for resisting the pleasure he’s withholding from someone he loves. He’s supposed to do this. He has to. He doesn’t want Bogum to be mad at him. It hurts too much, it hurts too much to be ignored, and this is fair. Relationships are about sacrifice, and he’s willing to break himself into tiny pieces if it means Bogum will love him.

 

He’s too afraid to say ‘no’, to refuse Bogum’s insistence, because even though he tells him over and over how much he loves him, he knows deep down inside that Bogum will leave him if he doesn’t give him what he wants. Taehyung is too scared to be alone, and they’ve been together for too long for him to give up like this. So he pushes the bile back down his throat and presses against Bogum, smoothing his arms over his shirtless chest, grazing his fingers around his strong biceps and downwards until he reaches the expanse of his stomach. He hears Bogum take a sharp inhale and shudder.

 

Taehyung moves his hands lower to cup him, and he feels Bogum harden with every kiss he presses into the back of his neck.

 

“Can you blow me?” he whispers.

 

Taehyung pauses, relieved that he doesn’t have to have sex tonight, but the prospect of a blow job is just as unappealing. He’s quiet for a moment, the guilt wrapping around his heart and squeezing the life out of him. Taehyung drains of color, his lips a ghostly white, but it can’t be seen under the cover of night. He thought he outgrew his fear of the dark, but his monsters are not hiding under his bed anymore. They’re living inside him, clawing their way out of him each night, leaving him with deep gashes across his skin and blood pooling from his soul as he tries to hold himself together, weeping for the part of him that dies each night he forces himself to be loved like this.

 

He doesn’t know how he’s still alive with so many pieces of him gone.

 

“Y-yeah, I’ll blow you,” he squeaks. He inches himself down Bogum’s body until his face is eye level with his groin. His cock is completely hard for him, straining against the fabric of his boxers. With shaky fingers, he pushes his briefs down, cock springing out from its prison. The smell of musk assaults his senses, and he breathes though his mouth to keep himself from gagging. Bile rises again in his mouth, and he squeezes his hand around his own thumb to resist the urge to heave.

 

He doesn’t want to do this.

 

His hand envelops Bogum’s thick cock, the velvety skin now clammy with the sweat from his hands. He thumbs over the slit and strokes him once, then twice, and Bogum arches his back off the bed with a throaty groan. Taehyung’s mouth feels like cotton, but he licks his lips anyways, using whatever bit of moisture left to slick his lips with spit. He turns his head away to take a deep breath and then leans down to swallow him whole.

 

Taehyung has always had a bad gag reflex, so he pants around Bogum’s cock, trying to focus on not spilling his guts everywhere. He doesn’t try breathing through his nose, disgusted with the scent of sweat and natural odor. He only manages to fit half of the throbbing member in his mouth, using his other hand to squeeze the base. One hand is gently prodding his scrotum and he listens to Bogum’s whimpers and pleas, who suddenly thrusts into his mouth and chokes him. He retches and pulls his mouth away, wiping away the excess saliva pooling under his tongue. Tears prick at his eyes with the force of the retch.

 

“Sorry, sorry!”

 

Taehyung thinks if he was really sorry he wouldn’t have to do this in the first place.

 

Taehyung clenches his jaw shut when he feels the comforting blanket of despair fall over him, so accustomed to its presence he doesn’t bother fighting the tears that paint trails of sadness down his cheeks.

 

“Hey, are you okay?” Bogum sits up on his elbows, but he can’t make out the expression of the other in the dark. He reaches a hand to stroke his cheek gently, “why are you crying?”

 

He can tell when Taehyung cries by his uneven breathing. He knows him like the back of his hand.

 

 “I’m sorry, I’m sorry,” Taehyung whispers brokenly.

 

 He hates himself. He hates himself for hating the love he’s trying to give, he hates himself for being so selfish. He hates the disgust that suffocates him, the guilt that chokes him, and the love that’s tainted his very core.

 

Taehyung continues to cry when he puts his mouth back on him, squeezing his eyes close as hard as he can, hallowing his cheeks and bobbing his head faster. He feels the bitter taste of precum in the back of his throat, and he gags again. The sniffle he tries to hold in escapes from his lips, and he sobs loudly, “I’m sorry.” He chants it. “I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry,” he mumbles quietly to himself in between pants, desperately hoping Bogum’s approaching his orgasm. He can’t keep doing this for much longer, the ache in his jaw grows more uncomfortable. He squeezes the base of Bogum’s cock harder, begging it for its release, begging for it to finish, begging so he can stop doing this.

 

His cock does not respond with coats of white ribbon like he wants and he voices out a cry of frustration, covering his face as he weeps into his hands. Bogum is cooing, trying to comfort the other, but Taehyung can hear an underlying tone of frustration in his voice.

 

“Hey, its okay. I’ll do the rest.”

 

Taehyung continues to cry, and Bogum pays no heed as he vigorously edges himself to completion.

 

“Turn around, I want to cum on your ass,” he groans.

 

Taehyung sniffles and wipes away the stray tears before he slips out of his underwear and turns around. Bogum crawls up behind Taehyung, and he hears the warning a fraction of a second before he feels it, feels the strings of cum coat his backside. It’s only slightly warm, but it feels like it’s searing into his skin.

 

Bogum drawls out a thank you and flops onto his back.

 

Taehyung says nothing and slowly drags himself to the bathroom to clean up. When he gets back to bed, he feels Bogum wrap his arms around him and secure him against his chest. He waits until his breathing evens out to wiggle out of his embrace and move himself to the very edge of the bed.

 

He whimpers, letting himself finally break, feeling the tide of tears wash over him. He claws at his skin, leaving harsh indents that break skin. He pushes the palms of his hands so hard into his eyes that he sees galaxies. He wants to die, he wants to become one of the stars he sees behind his eyelids.

 

 

 

 

 

When you go out at night and gaze upon the sky, it seems eternal and unchanging. But the brightness you see is in the past, for many of those lights have burned out over the passage of time.

 

 

 

 

 

Taehyung stares at the ceiling and pretends he’s staring up at the night sky. He was once told he was a bright star among the bleak darkness.  The numbness coursing through his veins tells him otherwise.

 

His star died long ago.

 

Maybe he was never a star in the first pace.

 

He doesn't know what he is--

 

But he loathes who he’s become.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Tell me if my voice isn't real

If I shouldn’t have thrown myself away

Tell me if even this pain isn’t real

What I was supposed to do back then