The concert was over, their live was over but his heart, his heart was still under a tormenting pain. I could still feel his eyes getting blurry at every five minutes. It was getting hard to breath, to control my thoughts that were looming over my head, to stay calm and collected like an idol supposed to be but damn it I can’t!
The members spend some time with me, comforting me. Everyone, my fans, my family, my members, the crew, their staff, all of them made me feel comforted. I felt himself relaxing, only a bit but still better than before.
I was exhausted. Tired. Frustrated.
Hyungs were very kind to me. Jimin wouldn’t let me go until he made sure I was okay. Hoseok-hyung hugged me very tightly and whispered so many encouraging words. Jin-hyung gave me my favorite foods, that lightened me. Yoongi-hyung ruffled my hairs “You will be fine, you are strong, kid” he murmured softly. I protested of course, playfully glaring at him. Namjoon-hyung held my hands and promised to be always there whenever I needed him.
God knows what I did to deserve these angels. Finally I felt at peace. Yeah, the pain and anguish were still swimming over my head and I know once I go to my room, lay alone, staring blankly at the ceiling, the demons will come back- haunting me, giving me nightmares.
They asked me, if I wanted to sleep with them or if I needed them in my room, I waved them off. I don’t wanna burden them more than needed. But I really miss jungkook. He has been silent the whole trip, nodding and displaying small smile here and there. I couldn’t even approach him, being a mess myself, how could I scold him?
Nearing my room, I sighed. After moving in the new dorm we all had different rooms. I tried to calm myself as darkness enveloped me. My room seemed so empty, so hollow. The thoughts came back, swallowing me in darkness. I got scared. Nonetheless, I stepped inside, switching on the lights, changed into my favorite tee that belonged to none other than jungkook and shorts since it was too hot. Despite the atmosphere, I felt so cold inside.
I was about to get under my blankets when I heard the door opening, I straightened up to see who is there.
“Jungkook?” my voice coming out a bit raspy from all that crying and coughing.
“Can I come in?”
“S-sure, why are you even asking!” I exclaimed, silly boy.
“Well you seemed quite distant, I didn’t know if you were up for a company,” he said in a hesitant tone but slowly making his way towards my bed. I smiled weakly as I patted the empty place beside me. He gave me a worried look but sat anyways.
“I think I might need this company you are talking about” I teased, albeit it came out more humorless but I tried. He just shook his head, used to my antiques.
“It’s all yours then” he finally whispered.
“I-i… appreciate it b-but I think you can go- I can m-” before I could even finish my sentence, he hauled me back to the bed, my hands pinned above my heads, I stared at him in surprise.
“Shut up. I know you are not alright. Quit acting like its okay, like you are not scared, like you are not on the verge of crying, okay!?” I couldn’t veil the shock that covered my face, my eyes started tearing when I saw his eyes glistening “Do you know how much worried I am? Huh? You are supposed to be the worried one and I am supposed to be the crying guy. I should get your pain, I should be suffering! Y-you just started crying, it hurt me so badly, I wanted to grab you, hug you so tight, kiss your pain away, the only one to comfort you and protect you. How could you do this to me? You can’t torture me like this! Let it out all out… make me feel needed, make me feel like I am your cure!”
I was numbed, shocked, startled and so many things. I saw a tear of his falling down, I could see how much he was holding in. And then I couldn’t resist any longer, couldn’t resist the urge to cry, to cling to him like he is my lifeline, to vent out whatever’s eating me alive.
“K-kookie… I…I am scared so scared. I...” the moment I opened my mouth to speak, my lips trembled and my voice wavered, the eyes pouring all the anger and sadness, his one hand was now on my waist, and other caressing my back, his mouth leaving soft breathes over my ear… murmuring nothing but love and affection. I clutched his shirt, as I continued to cry, each sob harder the next moment. My head buried on his chest. “I d-donno h-how to d-deal with this... I also d-d-don't want t-to burd-”
Before I could decipher what was happening, I was feverishly kissed by the beast above, my whole face was wet and a dark wet patch formed over his shirt but I couldn’t even form a coherent word as he relentlessly abused my mouth, pouring everything he can into the kiss. Seconds which felt like forever ended and he broke the kiss.
“Hyung… I know you are in pain, and I know I cannot understand what you are feeling, how much you are suffering.... but… I-i… know I can be your light, your steps in the dark, your… your relief. I want to be your everything too. I know it’s hard for you right now but you can count on me to be what you need, to be what you want. I don’t wanna see you cry, ever, don’t wanna see those tears. I want that smile back on your face, hyung”