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Not An Angel

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Aziraphale had a fitful night of rest, if one could even consider what he was doing resting. He couldn't stop thinking about what he'd almost done, how close he was to overstepping so many of his own rules and morals he'd made. But he hadn't missed a meal in so long, his body didn't know how to react!

 

In the "morning" he found himself settled downstairs in his shop. He was tired, both mentally and emotionally. To play with a human's emotions so cruelly… to allow himself to slip so deeply into a disillusion, that he might be happy with this man.

 

It was a mistake. A horrid, disgusting mistake fueled by hunger and his own deep desires. 

 

He had learned long ago his body still responded to certain stimuli and coffee, well, it wasn't that bad. Did nothing for his hunger when he had it, but for getting some energy it was alright. 

 

He tensed when he heard his phone buzz, an upgrade he was forced into due to The Organization. He had grown fond of the odd thing though a solid 48 hours of playing a mindless little game had him limiting what he did on it. Only calls, texts, and research here and there. 

 

And he had been looking into a card reader…

 

He sighed and picked his phone from a table. Why did he leave it down here? And then he was regretting ever picking it up. There were four messages from Crowley. Oh… the poor dear…

 

[Good morning Angel, sorry for running last night. Completely forgot about my medicine.] 8:15

 

[Was it too soon to say I love you?] 8:45

 

[Ignore that text.] 8:45

 

[Do you want me to come over today?] 10:37

 

Aziraphale read through the messages, a soft frown on his face. Wait. The last one was- he did not sleep that long. He glanced at the time on the top left of his screen and hissed through his teeth. Really? A quarter past 1? What a fitful sleep. 

 

{I slept in today and I would enjoy your company.} 1:16

 

He left out "we need to talk". 

 

[When can I come over?] 1:16

 

Aziraphale pursed his lips at seeing the lightning response. Oh, someone had been very worried indeed. He didn't want to break both their hearts but it needed to be done. Crowley was not turning into an abomination. He couldn't bring himself to put this curse on anyone.

 

{Anytime. Message before you get here.} 1:18

 

[I'll be over in a few.] 1:18

 

Aziraphale shut his eyes and set the phone down beside himself. He rubbed his face with a free hand, leaning back in his seat. He didn't want to do this. He wanted so badly to keep this lie going, to indulge, to finally be happy again. But of course his curse wouldn't allow that. What good was a curse if it didn't cause pain?

 

__________

 

Crowley was nervous as he stood in front of the shop's door. He knew it was horrible he left, he knew he probably looked like ass from how little he rested after "taking his medicine", but he needed to do this. He just hoped Aziraphale wouldn't be too angry. 

 

A deep inhale and he was knocking on the door. He slowly let it out at hearing footsteps, and then the door opened a crack. 

 

Crowley felt his blood run cold at the expression on Aziraphale's face. 

 

"Come in."

 

Crowley remained frozen at the door for a few seconds as it opened all the way. And then he stepped inside, moving to cup Aziraphale's cheek. His hand hovered before touching his boyfriend (?), his eyes searching for permission to even touch. Aziraphale giving the slightest shift towards the hand was enough and he caressed his boyfriend(?)'s cheek. 

 

"I'm so sorry, I didn't- I had to leave. Medical condition and all."

 

Aziraphale sighed into the touch, gently taking Crowley's wrist and moving it down. He didn't seem any better. Honestly he looked worse after that apology.

 

Aziraphale reached behind him and shut the door before looking up into those glasses. To wipe his memory… to rewrite and make everything back to the way it was- no. Crowley would still seek him out. He had to destroy everything. Maybe even make Crowley hate him. 

 

"Stop looking at me like that, Angel. I had to…"

 

Crowley's voice was soft, pained. Aziraphale looked like he hadn't gotten any rest either. He'd even sounded tired. 

 

"I can't… I'm sorry, Crowley. I can't do this."

 

Crowley blinked. 

 

"Is it because I-"

 

"It isn't because you left. I assure you, it isn't… I…"

 

Aziraphale sighed and lowered his gaze. Perhaps being honest?

 

"... This is wrong."

 

Crowley could only stare at him. His mind was suddenly running wild, so many thoughts and emotions and yes, this was seen as wrong to many, but they were clearly in love! And if that was a crime, well, he'd gladly pay for it.

 

"But we… Did it feel wrong last night?"

 

Aziraphale shut his eyes. 

 

"No, but-"

 

"Then who gives a damn what anyone else thinks! You like me and I love you so what's wrong with that? So what if we're both men?"

 

Aziraphale's eyes opened when he realized he'd said the wrong thing. Oh, that was a big miscommunication. Very big. But he could work with it?

 

"Crowley, it's… I have personal issues I must tend to. You are a wonderful person, but I… I don't think I can do this."

 

"Why not? Aziraphale, please, give this a chance?"

 

Aziraphale could feel a bit of wetness in his eyes and quickly tried blinking it away, turning from Crowley. 

 

"I don't want to be hurt again. I can't…"

 

"I won't hurt you. I Promise."

 

Crowley knew Aziraphale was an older gentleman, one set in his ways and with far too many quirks to count. What he didn't know was how much pain he'd been through. And if Aziraphale's ex was such a jackass as to hurt him this badly, well, that old guy probably deserved a shoe up their ass. 

 

"You will. They all do. Crowley, I want to. I want to so badly but-"

 

"Then why can't we? Angel, please. Tell me why."

 

Aziraphale rubbed at his face with a hand. Even after all this time emotions couldn't be controlled properly. He took in a deep breath, slowly letting it out. And then there was a hand on his shoulder, an arm slipping around his middle. He shut his eyes tightly when he was pulled back into a warm embrace. 

 

"Aziraphale… It's okay…" 

 

He gently turned Aziraphale around, pulling him in so he could hide in his jacket. Aziraphale buried his face in Crowley's chest, gripping at his coat with surprising gentleness. He knew how his body got, how his strength was, when emotions got involved. 

 

"Why do you think I'll hurt you?"

 

Aziraphale shook his head. He couldn't say. He wouldn't say. 

 

Crowley gently pet down Aziraphale's back, concern and a decent amount of guilt eating him alive. Was all of this because he left? Aziraphale said it wasn't. What was causing him so much pain? Why was he so scared? 

 

By the time Aziraphale had calmed down into sniffles, they'd settled on the couch. Crowley was still petting down his hair and back, doing his best to soothe. He just didn't understand. 

 

"I'm sorry…"

 

Crowley wiped away a few stray tears from Aziraphale's face. He was here sobbing and apologizing for it. Crowley's heart ached at the sight. 

 

"You've had bad relationships. Happens. I won't be a bad one, if you let me- give me a chance."

 

Aziraphale shut his eyes and let his head thud against Crowley's chest. Crowley went back to petting through his hair, idly playing with the curls. 

 

Crowley eventually guided Aziraphale down until his head was resting on his lap. He kept petting back those curls, his Angel not even opening his eyes. He seemed deep in thought, in pain. 

 

"... Do you believe in curses..?"

 

Crowley raised a brow at that. Well, that was out of the blue. 

 

"It depends on the curse, why?"

 

Aziraphale let out a long sigh, looking up into those dark shades. He'd figured out a way to translate part of it. 

 

"When I was younger I… I did something I really shouldn't have… and since then e-everyone I'm with… everyone I love…"

 

He swallowed thickly, looking into that concerned expression. And then he couldn't take it anymore and shut his eyes. 

 

"They die."

 

And that's when everything clicked into place. Crowley let out a long sigh, running a hand down the side of Aziraphale's face. He wiped away a few new tears with his thumb, a firm frown on his face. 

 

"Is that what happened to your ex?"

 

Aziraphale gave a small nod. 

 

"And the one before a-as well.."

 

Crowley wiped away more tears, his other hand moving down to gently take Aziraphale's in his own. He gave a firm, reassuring squeeze, getting a weak one in return. Too weak.

 

"Well, do you love me?"

 

Aziraphale looked up at him, pain written all over his face. He gave a small nod before shutting them again, letting out a shuddering breath. 

 

"How long?" 

 

"Since…"

 

Aziraphale swallowed and took in another breath. 

 

"Since you st-started calling me…"

 

"Angel?"

 

That was about four, maybe five months ago. And all this time Aziraphale felt so strongly for him? Hell, Crowley had a crush the moment he met the guy some years ago. And it just blossomed until he couldn't help himself. Various outings, having long chats, but it died down slowly after that nickname… he knew it had been a risk and he could be driving Aziraphale away but something told him to keep calling him that and Aziraphale would smile and at first he was blushing over it. 

 

"Mm…"

 

Aziraphale sniffled and turned into Crowley, not wanting to talk anymore. 

 

"Well, I'm not dead yet."

 

Reddened eyes peeped open at that, Crowley giving him a soft smile. 

 

"Yet."

 

Aziraphale repeated, feeling his bottom lip waver. He couldn't imagine this poor sweet man succumbing to age, growing old, dying in front of him. But that was how things would happen. They always died… He did his best to keep them happy and healthy but human lives were just so short!

 

"I'm willing to risk it if you are."

 

"I'm not."

 

Crowley's smile faded and he let out a long sigh. 

 

"Alright… But even if we go back to being friends, I don't think I can stop loving you.. think you can stop loving me?"

 

Aziraphale's frown was only growing. This was not going to as he'd planned. Hell, he hadn't even planned for his own emotions going haywire. 

 

"I.. I don't know."

 

"Then why stop the inevitable? You love me, I love you, and if we're just friends I'll.. how did your ex's die- Nevermind I shouldn'thaveaskedthat."

 

Aziraphale looked away from him as he began panicking. He'd gotten over them some time ago. One after the other… lives fully spent. 

 

"You wouldn't believe me. And even then, I don't… feel comfortable talking about it."

 

Aziraphale wiped at his face, letting out a shuddering sigh. Alright, try to breathe. Try to compose yourself. 

 

"I believe you on that curse, what else wouldn't I believe?" 

 

Aziraphale looked up at him, lips pressed into a firm line now. Crowley really was dumbstruck with love. It was painful. His eyes shifted to red and Crowley slouched a bit in his spot. 

 

"You should forget me. Forget everything about me." 

 

Crowley's body went rigid and he quickly shook his head, brows furrowed. 

 

"No- why would you say that?!" 

 

Oh dear.

 

Aziraphale found himself being pulled up and basically crushed in an embrace. He hugged back lightly, entirely in awe. Crowley had refused his manipulations twice now. Twice

 

He thought it was the lack of blood, that his energy was low, but no. Crowley could just resist when he didn't like something. Incredible! But that also meant… 

 

His grip tightened on Crowley and he buried his face in the man's neck. A deep inhale and he found himself lost in that cologne again. He just couldn't describe it, but it was so pleasant… 

 

"- as wonderful as you, Aziraphale."

 

He hadn't even realized Crowley was basically pouring his heart out here. Tears slipping down his face, pooling up in those glasses, his voice broken and filled with so much pain and- 

 

"I'm sorry…"

 

And he was. Both for himself and what would inevitably happen to Crowley. But that was human nature…

 

"I'll…"

 

He swallowed, why was he doing this to himself.

 

"Will you still have me?"

 

His response was to be pulled into a deep, desperate kiss. Aziraphale's eyes shot wide before he allowed himself to melt into it. He pulled away after a bit, looking Crowley in the eyes. He looked so relieved but there was still pain in his expression.

 

"Yes- God yes. Please don't say that again. I'll be okay. I promise." 

 

I'll make sure you have a good life …