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Shit, Let's Raid Area 51

Chapter Text

--turntechGodhead [TG] has started pestering tentacleTherapist [TT] at 2:49:18 on 25-07-2019--

**Intercepted on 29-07-2019 by J. L. Madison AID<34589.2>**

TG: rose
TG: hey
TG: hey rose
TG: hey
TG: rose rose rose
TG: rosie
TG: roshilda
TG: roliath
TG: roomba
TG: zoomba
TG: zumba?
TG: rose
TG: hey hey hey hey hey
TG: im not going to stop fyi so you better pick up
TG: hey rose

TT: Yes, Dave?

TG: so i was thinking
TG: what if we aka you me roxy dirk john jade jane jake raided area 51 like fr

TT: Then we would be shot full of holes.

TG: ok but ignoring the guns

TT: This better not be a ploy to try and meet Lil' Nas. We all know he's your idol but there are much better ways of going about it.

TG: no shut up
TG: lil nas is a fucking treasure and i will meet him through twitter or cake boss or hopefully both
TG: i mean like actually raiding area 51 cause were all lonely as fuck and if our alien waifus are being held captive then shit
TG: lets raid area 51

TT: How much time have you been spending with our dear eldest brother?

TG: rose
TG: i am dead ass serious
TG: its the perfect get together
TG: we all show up
TG: maybe cry a bit because holy shit its our first ever meet up and everyones hella sweaty cause were in a desert but its all whatever cause hell yeah thats my best friend and his entire weird family
TG: sup john
TG: john: sup dave!
TG: let me hug you bro completely platonic get your ass over here and into my arms
TG: john: dave thats gay!
TG: no i said platonic duh
TG: john: ok then hug time!
TG: hug time
TG: and then like a million people show up with musicians on their backs already singing power ballads with sweet amps and a battle cry goes up and we start raiding the place
TG: we bust in around back with the furry squad
TG: cause jade will insist
TG: and we see all those aliens kept in cages and were all hell naw
TG: guns and needles and forks and hammers and swords start flying everywhere
TG: its chaos
TG: chaos rose

TT: Mmhm.

TG: so we see these aliens
TG: and we break them out
TG: and its like those old collectable toy brands 'theres one for everyone!' that jingle we should sing the jingle breaking them out
TG: anyways
TG: so we all get a sweet alien waifu
TG: a dark vanmpire lady for you

TT: Oh thank you.

TG: youre welcome
TG: a crazy fun one for me
TG: john will probably fall for the evil one because he stans loki
TG: coward
TG: if youre going to stan a villain unironically pick one that isnt greaseball mcsleeze dick loki
TG: but yeah john will probably get loki or a cosplayer or something idk
TG: and the rest of our group gets their new signifigant other via the raid and we head to del taco like a block away and get tacos with our new alien pals before we go home
TG: its literally perfect

TT: I see. Well, if you manage to accrew support from the rest of the group then I will gladly accompany you all to our very early graves. So long as, of course, my future biography on the entire raid is well over 1,000 pages in length.

TG: fuckin done
TG: ill contact some of my wicked fans about that biography

TT: Wonderful.
TT: And Dave?

TG: yea?

TT: Go to bed it's 3 in the morning.

TG: nah but thanks i guess

TT: Of course. Get well soon, brother mine.

--tentacleTherapist [TT] has stopped pestering turntechGodhead [TG] at 3:08:27 on 25-07-2019--

--turntechGodhead [TG] has started pestering timaeusTestified [TT] at 3:09:01 on 25-07-2019--

**Intercepted on 29-07-2019 by J. L. Madison AID<34589.2>**

TG: hey dirk

TT: Yeah, Dave?

TG: lets raid area 51

TT: Cool. When?

TG: september 20

TT: I'll mark it down. Want me to check with my side?

TG: yeah that would be super helpful

TT: Then it's done. Talk to you later Dave.

TG: man just say ttyl

TT: No.
TT: That's too old.
TT: Do you think I'm old, Dave?

TG: older than the ocean

TT: Damn.

TG: peace

--turntechGodhead [TG] has stopped pestering timaeusTestified [TT] at 3:10:12 on 25-07-2019--

--turntechGodhead [TG] has started pestering ectoBiologist [EB] at 3:10:53 on 25-07-2019--

**Intercepted on 29-07-2019 by J. L. Madison AID<34589.2>**

TG: hey john
TG: i know its super late but pester me when you get up
TG: ive got a bitchin idea that needs your egberty charm to woo rose into the idea too
TG: dont actually flirt with my sister
TG: either of them
TG: for the sake of my sanity
TG: dont flirt with dirk either
TG: covering all my bases
TG: the harlengcrockerberts are wily fucks and i dont trust you not to flirt with any of my siblings
TG: stg you insinuate mackin on any of my sibs i die
TG: you wanna be responsible for my death? huh? wanna pay for the funeral?
TG: you date roxy then let her cry on your shoulder during my funeral i see you john
TG: i
TG: see
TG: you
TG: yeah so hit me back when youre up

--turntechGodhead [TG] has stopped pestering ectoBiologist [EB] at 3:11:29 on 25-07-2019--

--turntechGodhead [TG] has started pestering gardenGnostic [GG] at 3:12:03 on 25-07-2019--

**Intercepted on 29-07-2019 by J. L. Madison AID<34589.2>**

GG: hey dave!!

TG: oh shit
TG: hey harley
TG: didnt think youd be awake

GG: its 9 am dummy!

TG: oh shit
TG: timezones
TG: fuck

GG: fuck indeed ;D
GG: whatcha need brooooooo?
GG: how many o's are in a good bro??

TG: as many os as a bro earns
TG: i wanna raid area 51
TG: the dave army needs YOU
TG: see what i did there

GG: he he he! i do see what you did there!!
GG: but i was already planning on going to the raid ;0

TG: oh sick
TG: is jake coming?

GG: duh!!!

TG: awesome
TG: can you go bug my sister into joining
TG: please
TG: pretty please
TG: with furbies on top

GG: roxy?

TG: no rose

GG: rose is already going! i asked her weeks ago!

TG: w
TG: harley give me a moment

GG: of course!!
GG: bye dave!

--turntechGodhead [TG] has stopped pestering gardenGnostic [GG] at 3:13:24 on 25-07-2019--

--turntechGodhead [TG] has started pestering tentacleTherapist [TT] at 3:13:58 on 25-07-2019--

**Intercepted on 29-07-2019 by J. L. Madison AID<34589.2>**

TG: rose youre full of shit

TT: Why, whatever are you talking about, David?

--turntechGodhead [TG] has stopped pestering tentacleTherapist [TT] at 3:14:09 on 25-07-2019--

**JLMADS: Note: All members of the group <OG_413#612> have at this point in the <90012> timeline agreed to venture to Area 51. Will report with future conversations as they appear. Ready project ASPECT.**

Chapter Text

Internal Report--Provided by Senior Analyst and RECON-T Viewer Jim L. Madison AID<34589.2>

Time: 16:00:00 on 30/7/2019 tlv: 90012

Audio Interrogation Report #4 with AAID<02.10> designation: "SOLLUX CAPTOR"

JLM: Good evening.

02: Get fucked

JLM: *laughter heard*
JLM: Hostile tonight, are we?

02: No shit. I wonder why. The reason is beyond this piss-filled half fried pan. I'm lost. I'm just so lost.

JLM: Now, now, this is all going to be recorded!

02: Yeah, I know.

JLM: Oh? Wonderful, then let's get started and skip over all the introductions. With less swearing please.

02: No no, I changed my mind, do the introductions. You sound like such an asshole every time you start and at this point anything that makes me even kinda laugh at night I'll take it, even if it's straight out of your double dipped accidental slurry shovelling face.

-silence for 00:00:29-

JLM: Sure are creative.

02: Bite me.

JLM: What is your name?

02: Collux Saptor.

JLM: How old are you?

02: A bazillion sweeps.

JLM: When did you land on this planet?

02: Your mayhm.

JLM: It's mom.

AUDIO: *unintelligible static*

JLM: Hmm.
JLM: Anyways, what is your purpose on this planet?

02: To get absolutely wasted and die in a ditch.

JLM: I can see you're not taking this very seriously.

02: I'm just done.

JLM: Done?

02: Don't care. Uncooperative. Distant. Aggrivated. Annoyed into not giving a fuck. Shit, you got a dictionary?

JLM: Why are you "done"?

02: Don't act like you don't know.

-silence for 00:00:59-

02: Seriously?! You're going to act all high and mighty NOW?! You fucking

AUDIO:*unintelligible static*

JLM: Is this a result of zero-zero-one's termination?


JLM: Aradia's termination, then.

02: How can you SAY it like that? She wasn't terminated you culled her! You bastards CULLED her! She was alive and now she's not, that's not termination that's MURDER! You took her away from me and now you want to shrug it off like a routine thing, what is WRONG with you?!

JLM: This is Madison, requesting sedation.


AUDIO: *unintelligible static*

The rest of the audial report has been corrupted. See video file #02.04.4 for further description.

Passing Time by Maya Angelou

Your skin like dawn
Mine like musk

One paints the beginning
of a certain end.

The other, the end of a
sure beginning.

--ectoBiologist[EB] has started pestering turntechGodhead [TG] at 11:39:21 on 25/07/2019--

**Intercepted on 29-07-2019 by F. M. Ghas AID<46881.4>**

EB: dave!
EB: why were you up so early! do you even sleep?

TG: why john
TG: you should know by now

EB: sleep is for the weak

TG: yes exactly

EB: dude when you die from not sleeping im getting howie mandel to pee on your grave!

TG: dont use my jokes against me
TG: thats so uncool
TG: that should count as plagarism or maybe a double standard
TG: to take my own fucking amo and shoot it straight back in my face
TG: youre stealing strider property egderp
TG: you better cough up a reason or my dad is going to beat your dads ass and then your ass because he works at microsoft and is secretly hatsune miku
TG: you better prepare to get a leek to the ass john because once miku is on the shit she is on the shit
TG: dirk says that miku could beat his ass and hed still lick her boots and honestly idk if he was joking so like im kinda concerned about that
TG: but w/e because miku will be your problem soon so ill be able to stop worrying about dirks weird ass kinks

EB: dave thats
EB: thats way too much

TG: ???

EB: ugh! nevermind!
EB: so why did you pester me last night?

TG: were gonna raid area 51

EB: like actually for real going to nevada raid area 51?

TG: on god

EB: like everyone?

TG: everyone

EB: and i cant flirt with roxy?

TG: john

EB: kidding!
EB: roxy is really fun to hang out with though

TG: john
TG: im having a fucking annurysm

EB: that doesnt look right

TG: me having an anuhurismmmk?
TG: i cant type john cause im actually dying
TG: the nurses are screaming
TG: how could such a talented kid die so soon?
TG: didnt even get that make a wish foundation all over my bucketlist
TG: do you know how much i wanted to have a rap off with will smith?
TG: be aggressively featured in youtube rewind?
TG: be on cake boss?

EB: who even watches cake boss?

TG: you will john
TG: you will
TG: as i lay here in this gnarly hospital bed youre going to let my ghost live on vicariously through you
TG: cake boss is your new favorite show
TG: you cant run from your responsibilities
TG: as my best friend you gotta step up to the plate

EB: why cant rose or dirk do it?

TG: because theyre planning my mausoleum keep up 

EB: oh my god

TG: come on bro take the l
TG: watch cake boss like youve never watched anything else before
TG: snakes on a plane?
TG: never heard of her
TG: marvel stage 4?
TG: cancelled

EB: does that count the loki show

TG: yeah, duh

EB: >:0
EB: thats bullshit!
EB: friendship goes two ways dave!
EB: that means i get to watch the loki show and your ghost can get fucked!!!
EB: im serious dont test me!!!!!!!

TG: i guess roxy could do it if you really dont wanna

EB: roxy wont be available

TG: what? why?

EB: because shell be too busy making out with me ;B

TG: hkbafhbkfbh;fdsafsdvbhjdsvbjk.sdfjdfsjk.hqijp
TG: i hate you i hate you so fucking much god fucking damit

EB: you make it too easy!

TG: shut the fuck up
TG: shhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhut the fuck up
TG: shut up
TG: im hating you right now

EB: ill send you pictures

TG: thats it
TG: im done
TG: be in lincoln county nevada september 20
TG: or earlier
TG: idk just like clear all of septeber we havent really made any concrete plans yet

EB: ill ask my dad!

TG: you do that
TG: im going to try and fail to recover from what youve done to me

EB: and take care of your arm too right?

TG: oh uh
TG: yeah that too i guess
TG: man what is up with people bringing up shit at the end of conversations?

EB: its a good time to bring shit up

TG: whatever you say egbro

EB: see ya dave!

TG: see ya

--turntechGodhead [TG] has stopped pestering ectoBiologist [EB] at 12:07:30 on 25/07/2019--

Excerpt from "Controversially, Physicist Argues Time Is Real" by Clara Moskowitz on 26/04/2013 at 11:07 ET

[Lee] Smolin said he hadn't come to this concept lightly. He started out thinking, as most physicists do, that time is subjective and illusory. According to Albert Einstein's theory of general relativity, time is just another dimension in space, traversable in either direction, and our human perception of moments passing steadily and sequentially is all in our heads.

Over time, though, Smolin became convinced not only that time was real, but that this notion could be the key to understanding the laws of nature.

"If laws are outside of time, then they're inexplicable," he said. "If law just simply is, there's no explanation. If we want to understand law … then law must evolve, law must change, law must be subject to time. Law then emerges from time and is subject to time rather than the reverse."

Smolin admitted there are objections to this idea, especially what he calls "the meta-law dilemma:" If physical laws are subject to time, and evolve over time, then there must be some larger law that guides their evolution.

Notes in the margins: space, proved. time, not proved? must be for story #413_612 to work. lee smolin time player? mind? needs investigation


Video Transcript <#02.04.4>


02.10 is seated at the interrogation table, hands bound and translator afixed. All is standard. Jim Madison (27) enters the room and sets up the audio recorder. Jim is relaxed. No reaction from 02.10.

Jim begins the interrogation, probing at 02.10's emotional reaction to 001.02's termination to make room for 02.02 in project ASPECT. 02.10 is readily agitated, static occuring in the audio after activation of electokinisis. The second and third static moments were accompanied by unfiltered alien dialect. Likely, 02.10's electrokinisis frying the translator while it yelled. [Linguists Report: Static likely to be about 'moirailegence', several instances of the words 'moirail superior mine' being heard after fiddling with the audio sufficiently.]

02.10 fires a concentrated blast through Jim Madison, who then falls to the floor.

The sedation team arrive in the room roughly ten seconds after, tranquilizing 02.10. 02.10 falls onto the table and is removed from the interrogation site. Minor force applied.

00:03:12 passes before Jim Madison (30) enters the room and retrieves his body for disposal.


--tipsyGnostalgic [TG] has started pestering timaeusTestified [TT] at 17:52:14 on 29/07/2019--

**Intercepted on 29-07-2019 by F. M. Ghas AID<46881.4>**

TG: hey dirk

TT: Yes?

TG: can i call u? please?

TT: Of course, are you okay?

TG: ill b fine
TG: just need to hear ur voice 4 a bit

--tipsyGnostalgic [TG] has stopped pestering timeaeusTestified [TT] at 17:54:00 on 29/07/2019--

Audio Transcript Recorded: Phone Call Between 06.12 and 08.04 at 17:54:03 on 29/07/2019
<Designations: "ROXY LALONDE" & "DIRK STRIDER">

ROXY: Hey Dirk...

DIRK: Hey Roxy

AUDIO: *sniffing is heard*

DIRK: Roxy?
DIRK: Are you sure you're alright?

ROXY: Tell me about your day.

DIRK: You didn't answer my question.

ROXY: Just tell me about your day, just tell me please, dirk pleas-

DIRK: Okay. Okay.
DIRK: I was working on Hal. He wanted to try driving a roomba and I warned him about it. He didn't listen. So he was Haloomba for a good few hours there. I can send you the video I took of him being a giant moron cursing out walls and chairs and stuff for getting in the way. Roombas don't have eyes. Uhhhh, let's see...
DIRK: Bought some plane tickets for the raid. Visited Dave, well, visiting, I'm still here. But I'm in the bathroom now, where all deep talks are required to happen.
DIRK: Are you in a bathroom?

ROXY: I'm safe, yeah.

DIRK: Cool.

ROXY: What are you gonna do tonight?

DIRK: Don't know yet. I'm thinking of watching transformers: animated just because I haven't in a while. I'm going to maybe grab some hospital dinner first I think, eat with Dave, chill, you know. Later I'll probably head roof-ways and train a bit. I might do some stupid programming shit, crash on the couch, repeat. Same soup, just reheated.
DIRK: How was your day?

ROXY: Whiskers.

DIRK: Okay.
DIRK: My favorite transformer isn't Prowl. We have the same glasses, yeah, but he's got a giant stick up his ass- sorry, AFT- and has a weird nature kink. Not that I have any room to judge on kinks but like damn dude.
DIRK: My favorite isn't Optimus Prime either. His face doesn't match his voice. It's like Jake's movie protagonist's chisled faces combined with his bad American accent. It's fucked.
DIRK: Bumblebee is just constantly getting wrecked. If the writers ever need to make the stakes higher they just try to kill Bumblebee and there we go. Stakes are raised higher than a particularly vertically untroubled cow.
DIRK: I like Bulkhead actually. Iron Giant looking motherfucker. He turns into that enlister truck that takes away Wendy's Husband in Peter Pan 2 and he has a wrecking ball hand for absolutely no reason. It's beautiful, and he's beautiful.
DIRK: Not to mention that thick, juicy, aaaaaaaft.

AUDIO: *wet snort*

DIRK: Right?
DIRK: Can you tell me what's up with you yet?
DIRK: Do I have to tell you about how sexy Bulkhead is in more explicit detail?

ROXY: No, no, thank you.
ROXY: I uh-

AUDIO: *snif*

ROXY: I told Janey that I liked her...

DIRK: And?

ROXY: She doesn't like me back, oops. Her words. She wasn't mean but like I really wish she had been because then I could move on lickety split and we could be bffs again but she was so fucking nice about it.
ROXY: I just wanted her to yell at me or condemn me or just fucking-
ROXY: I don't know...
ROXY: She knows about the other thing too bee-tee-dubs.


ROXY: Yeah, oh.

DIRK: That wasn't-

ROXY: No it wasn't part of it.

DIRK: Okay.
DIRK: I'm sorry, Roxy.

ROXY: It's okay.

DIRK: No, it's not. If it were okay you wouldn't be crying about it.

ROXY: Then thank you. For being you.

DIRK: You're welcome. I'm glad if I could help in any way.

ROXY: You did. You did.
ROXY: I feel better. You're a good brother, okay?

DIRK: Thanks, Rox. You're a good sibling, too.

ROXY: I'm gonna go drown in blankets and video games and Rosie's scarves.

DIRK: Okay. I'll be awake all night, call if you need.

ROXY: I will. I love you.

DIRK: Love you too. Bye.

Chapter Text

Audial Transcript of Security System<Designation "GOOGLE HOME">
Location: Seattle, Washington <47°42'10.5"N 122°21'18.3"W>

Conversation between 01.07 & 05.09 <Designations: "JOHN EGBERT" & "JANE CROCKER">
Provided by J. L. Madison AID<34589.2> on 30/07/2019 about recording taken on 29/07/2019 from 17:51:36 to 18:09:22


AUDIO: *knocking on wood, three raps*

JANE: Hey, John? Do you have a minute?

JOHN: Huh? Uh, yeah sure! Come on in.

JANE: Am I interrupting? Oh-

JOHN: What's that face for? It's just a tik tok compilation.

JANE: Buddy...

JOHN: Wha- Come on! Tik toks can be funny! Plus the effects are pretty cool!

JANE: Buddy...

JOHN: Arg! Stop criticizing me!
JOHN: Is there a point to all this or can I get back to enjoying PEAK COMEDY on my own?

JANE: Sorry not sorry, but yes I do need to talk with you.

JOHN: How serious is this talk?

JANE: So serious.

JOHN: Oh boy. Should we have dad officiate or something?

JANE: I'd...rather not talk to dad about this.
JANE: It's a bit embarrassing.


JANE: Put that face away, buster!

JOHN: What? This face?

JANE: You wily rascal! Listen up!

JOHN: I am listening up! I am!

JANE: Are you?

JOHN: Cross my heart and hope to die!

JANE: Acceptable.
JANE: Okay so-

JOHN: this...?
JOHN: Girl problems?

JANE: John! Pipe down and let me tell you!

JOHN: Oh god it IS! Whatever it is I don't wanna know! Ask dad to buy more peroxide or something!


AUDIO: *soft impact sounds, likely pillow against body, heard repeatedly*

JOHN: Ahh!! I'm sorry! I take it back! Waugh!

AUDIO: *loud impact sound, likely body against floor*

JOHN: What did you do that for?!

JANE: You were being obnoxious!

JOHN: You didn't have to throw me off the bed!

JANE: Can it! I'm going to talk now and you can't stop me! So ripen those ear cannals of yours and zip it, mister!

JOHN: Ughhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. Fiiiiiiiine.

JANE: Thank you!
JANE: Okay so Roxy started pestering me about five minutes ago. And she told me that she liked me! I was very surprised! So surprised that I'm still kind of freaking out about it? You know that one Office with the fire episode? That's me right now. What's the procedure? STAY FUCKING CALM. What's the procedure, what's the procedure?
JANE: How long has this been going on for? And how did I never see it!
JANE: I tried to let her down easy, because she's my best friend and all, but I can't help but wonder if I should have just gone along with the whole thing. Maybe I'm just being weird and ooky and maybe Roxy and I would get on famously! I really don't know. This probably took a lot of courage, especially when she er, nevermind. I don't want Roxy to hate me but what if I made the wrong decision?
JANE: Was this fate clapping me about the face and yelling at me to get in gear? I certainly don't *think* I like Roxy, but I don't know for sure! Am I just being paranoid? Should I ask Dirk? No. No not Dirk. Rose? It's hard to get a straight answer out of either but I trust Rose's more sapphic instincts in this matter.

JOHN: So why are you talking to me? Cause this sure sounds like girl problems.

JANE: Because I want to spend more time with you and tell you things!

JOHN: If you wanna vent then just go for it.

JANE: I don't just want to vent, I want advice!
JANE: Don't you have some silly youngster wisdom in that tangled heap of hair on your head?

JOHN: What do you want me to say! It's not like I've dated anyone before!
JOHN: Just like, I dunno, be supportive? Don't just brush it aside? Be direct and honest and stuff?

JANE: Oh how very wise, I'd never considered.

JOHN: Hey, that's all my wisdom ever so take it or leave it.

AUDIO: *sigh*

JANE: I'll take it.

JOHN: Awesome.

-silence for 00:00:16-

JANE: But what if-

JOHN: Just do something!
JOHN: As someone who's been forced into shitty movie marathons with Dave, let me tell you, the most annoying trope is when the heroes won't say shit to each other! Miscommunication is dumb! And anyone who thinks dancing that dance is interesting is a lying bastard!
JOHN: So stop saying 'oh what if oh no oh dearie me oh pllbbbttttt'!
JOHN: In the ever wise words of Lord Shia-

JANE: Well.

JOHN: Well?

JANE: Well, shucks buster. You're right.
JANE: Doesn't mean you get to yell at me, you doofus!

JOHN: Go! Go! Go!

JANE: Jesus Christ, John! I will!
JANE: But first...
JANE: Is there anything you want to get off your chest?
JANE: I'm your wonderful big sister and I can help you with anything.

JOHN: Uhhhh....
JOHN: Not really?
JOHN: I mean the shower's kinda cold at night so if you could take faster showers that'd be pretty nice.

JANE: Is that it?
JANE: No unfolding drama?

JOHN: Drama is so...
JOHN: Dramatic.
JOHN: I'd just rather not.

JANE: That's completely fair.

JOHN: Well. Okay, I have been sitting on something for a while now.


JOHN: It's just a me thing but like try not to judge me too hard?

JANE: I would never!

JOHN: Okay.
JOHN: So y'know tik tok-?
JOHN: Stop making that face whenever I bring it up!

JANE: Sorry! Continue.

JOHN: So anyways.
JOHN: I was on tik tok and I made a video where it was basically smack cam but I ran up to the pool cashier ladies and sprayed them with canned cheese and then the video cut to me in a car with police sirens on and-

JANE: This was last month. I remember this!

JOHN: Yes, yes, last month, whatever. So I made that tik tok, right?
JOHN: So someone commented: "lm8o i'm dyyyyyyyying!" Which was really fucking weird, right? So I asked Dirk- well, no, I asked Dave who asked Hal who asked Dirk but whatever- so I asked him to look up the IP and their location.
JOHN: And he told me it was from the International Space Station? Somehow?
JOHN: So some weird astronaut likes my tik toks now? What do I do with that information? It's been bugging me for like two whole weeks!

JANE: Wow that's...
JANE: Really silly...

JOHN: Hey! You asked!

JANE: Mmhm.
JANE: Okie-doke, well I'm done asking now.
JANE: But come to me if something ever does happen, you got that you wily little monster?

JOHN: Augh! Hey! Watch it!

JANE: Oh please! Your hair is already mussed to the far reaches and back, a little more won't make a lick-a-difference!

JOHN: It's the principle of the thing!
JOHN: Now shoo! Go take care of your girl problems!

JANE: Jesus, lord above. Whatever has the youth come to nowadays...

JOHN: Goooooooooooooooo!

AUDIO: *shuffling, muffled*

JANE: I'm going!

JOHN: Go faster!

JANE: Hoo! Hoo!
JANE: Bye Jooohn!

JOHN: Bye Jaaaaaaaane!

JANE: Bye Joooooooooooohn!

JOHN: Bye Jaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaane!

JANE: Bye Joooooooooooooooooooooooooohn!

AUDIO: *soft click, likely a door closing*

Medical Report
Houstin Mercy Hospis and Pediatrics
Practicing Doctor: Loraine Heeps
Nurses Assisting: Nick James, Kim Nguyen, Eilis Brown

Patient Name: Dave Elizabeth Strider
Date of Birth: December 3rd 2004
Patient Sex: Male
Parent/Guardian: Broderick Strider Roxanne Lalonde
Visitation Given: Dirk Strider, Rose Lalonde, Roxy Lalonde


Fractured humorous, concussion, notable nutrition deficiancy.

2 days, 3 nights for the arm. 4 extra days for holding and establishing psychological state as well as necessary nutrition watch.

Dave Strider was under an abusive guardian, arm was broken cleanly and with precision. Once treatment has been administered I recommend a therapist be appointed to both Dave Strider and Dirk Strider. Concussion and the nutrition deficiancy should cause minimal long term effects. Proceed with caution and care. Nurse Eilis has been tasked with one night watch to ensure the concussion does not worsen as he sleeps.
Caged Bird by Maya Angelou

But a caged bird stands on the grave of dreams

his shadow shouts on a nightmare scream

his wings are clipped and his feet are tied

so he opens his throat to sing


--gardenGnostic [GG] has started pestering tentacleTherapist [TT] at 16:48:42 on 09/07/2019--

**Intercepted on 13/07/2019 by F. M. Ghas AID<46881.4>**

GG: hey rose!!
GG: i have a question for you if youve got the time

TT: For you?
TT: Always.
TT: Please, do go on.

GG: nice!!!!!
GG: so have you seen that area 51 meme going around recently?

TT: Indeed I have.

GG: what if...
GG: we all went together!!
GG: im tired of skype and phone calls and these logs!
GG: i just want to meet all of you in person already!!!!
GG: so we should all try and raid the place together!

TT: My, that is quite the undertaking.
TT: What makes you think we'll be successful?

GG: me and jake are really good with guns!
GG: plus dirk and roxy are expert hackers!!!
GG: john and jane could prank their way out of the white house lock box!!
GG: and you and dave are so clever and smart no doubt youd figure out a way to get through everything!!!!!!!!!

TT: Oh, why thank you Jade. Your compliments do a number on a weathered soul.

GG: weathered soul??

TT: Forgive me, I'm trying out an emo phase.

GG: oh!!
GG: cool!

TT: Nevertheless, this idea intrigues me. Certainly it would be a challenge. If, absolutely ridiculous, naturally.

GG: naturally

TT: I would like to see you in person as well as all our other lovely friend group members. Likely we would all go in pure jest and simply hang out in Nevada for a few days.
TT: Something I am very unopposed to. One might even say I support the idea whole heartedly.
TT: But what if, say, a sudden moral quandry appears?

GG: ooh!!!
GG: what kind of moral quandry *eyebrow wiggles*??

TT: What if aliens were truly being held in Area 51 and were being terribly mistreated under the government's less than ideal care? Would we still break them out with the raid? Or let the entire thing slip back under the sheer silk blanket of meme culture to be burried and nostalgically referenced months in the future among the likes of darling Pepe and the far too young Vine?
TT: What, perchance, would we do then? We certainly have a responsibility to this world. Parents, school, and the such. But this would be our chance to extend past all that and into protagonists.
TT: Would we struggle and die for an unknowable cause? Or merely go on with life and pray that she yet be merciful?

GG: hmm...
GG: we'd go and save the aliens of course!

TT: What leads you to that conclusion, Dr. Harley?

GG: well professor lalonde its because were all good people who make the right decision!
GG: and clearly dying for a nobel cause
GG: even if really really fucking stupid!
GG: is the rightest decision we could make!!!

TT: I see, thank you for this input Dr. Harley.

GG: of course professor!

TT: Then count me in for this potential raid, certainly a good decision would feel nice as this wallowed and miserable husk shambles on with her life.

GG: hey now!!
GG: that husk is one of my best friends so >:p

TT: Oh!
TT: Dearest Harley you bring a flush to my face.

GG: and keep it there cause its pretty and you deserve to be pretty!

TT: Thank you.

GG: anytime!!!

TT: Good evening Dr. Harley.

GG: good day professor lalonde!!
GG: are we still on for friday?

TT: Naturally. I wouldn't miss it for the world.

GG: sweet!
GG: see you soon!!!!!!!!!!!

--gardenGnostic [GG] has stopped pestering tentacleTherapist [TT] at 16:53:31 on 09/07/2019--


Excerpt from "What Is A Universe Really?" by Ian Simna on March 5th, 2011 on their blog "NamsDay"

Dylan Berry says that there are four components to the universe. Water, fire, vinyl, and plastic. And to some degree I agree with him. However there must be more to life than rocking tunes and forest fires, right?

So I did a little digging and observing of my own. I decided that Mr. Berry isn't completely wrong, but he also isn't completely right either. Recent reports of deep space activity, when audio graphed and compressed into a PNG have shown millions of people just what the men in black have always feared. The universe is full of life and some of it really likes to swear. This makes sense right?

What doesn't make sense is how much we can understand of that swearing. Like, we've always fantasized that English was universal but here's evidence! Which is stupid. So maybe these aliens are just time travelers from the future or maybe a whole other universe entirely?

What if the universe is comprised of more large scale stuff, maybe 12 aspects to align with the zodiac. Hey, if deep space can say fuck then we might as well throw all reasoning out the window, yeah? So twelve things that make up the universe. Space, time, thought, water, life, death, energy, will, individuality, chance, love, and fire.

Everything in our daily lives! If you like this theory make sure to reblog it and share on facebook, twitter, instagram, linkedin, myspace...


--arachnidsGrip [AG] has started trolling carcinoGeneticist [CG] at ??:??:?? on ??/??/2019--

**Intercepted on 12-06-2019 by H. E. Brooks AID<82715.1>**

AG: Hey shit pan.


AG: ONE time I fuck up.
AG: Can you take your windy nonsense and just shove it for a 8it????????
AG: Shove it straight up your dusty unused nook may8e?


AG: I'd rather die than listen to your half-8aked "leadership" dri88les anyways.
AG: 8ut since you're INSISTING on acting like the captain despite what little actual leaderly qualities you H8VE.
AG: I thought you would LIKE to know that I found them. A few nights ago, even.


AG: Who am I to interrupt your 8lowhole time?


AG: You done?


AG: 8GH N8!!!!!!!!
AG: I found John. He was making a stupid video on some video sharing site so I dropped him a fun little message.
AG: 8ecause I have initiative and know how to get! Shit! Done!!!!!!!


AG: How many times will I have to tell you to cool your fucking jets!
AG: Everyone else is there too.
AG: Not on the we8site unfortunately.
AG: 8ut 8ecause I'm just that good, I found them anyways. Probably why I took the extra time to be TH8ROUGH? HMMMMM????????
AG: You can start thanking me any day now fyi.


AG: Now stop yelling at me and get your ass in gear!
AG: I, for one, want to get the 8and 8ack together as soon as fucking possi8le.


AG: I know.
AG: Feel free to appreci8 me for the next ten sweeps.


AG: Do it yourself, l8ser!


--arachnidsGrip [AG] has stopped trolling carcinoGeneticist [CG] at ??:??:?? on ??/??/2019--

Where I go, will you still follow?
Will you leave your shaded hollow?
Will you greet the daylight looming,
Learn to love without consuming?
(Thus Always To Tyrants, The Oh Hellos)

Chapter Text


Officer: James Aregbe
Offender: John Egbert
Location: Inclade Public Aquatic Center & Pool
Date: June 8th, 2019

Description of Events: John attacked employees of the Aquatic Center with spray cheese on video for a Tik Tok. The video can be seen here:

John did not deny guilt and waited in holding for his family to come and pick him up. A fine of $250 was issued to the family.

--turntechGodhead [TG] has opened memo "shit lets raid area 51" on 31/07/2019 at 09:21:00--
--turntechGodhead [TG] has invited tentacleTherapist [TT], timaeusTestified [TT], tipsyGnostalgic [TG], ectoBiologist [EB], gardenGnostic [GG], gustyGumshoe [GG], golgothasTerror [GT], and hyperawareLegume [HAL] to chat--

**Intercepted on 31-07-2019 by J. L. Madison AID<34589.2>**

TG: sup my dudes

TT: Good, you're awake. We need to get groceries today. Come on out when you're ready to go.

TG: .........
TG: bruh
TG: read chat names smfh
TG: i dont need my best friends knowing about groceries

TT: Why not? Are you embarassed about eating, Dave?
TT: Perhaps you don't want them knowing about your preference for four-ply toilet paper?
TT: Or maybe this is about all the time you spend poking at the lobsters.

TG: dirk oh my fucking god i am going to strangle you with your old kneesocks

GG: dont worry dave!!
GG: i like playing with the lobsters too!!!!

TG: thanks harley

TT: See, you had nothing to fear.

EB: hahahahahahahahaha!

TG: you speak too soon traitor

TT: Whoops.

EB: thats so adorable!
EB: little davey wavey likes to play with the lobster tank awwwww

TG: dirk i blame you

TT: Valid.

GG: so why did you make this memo?

TG: hold up
TG: we gotta wait for everyone to be on for this

GG: why?

EB: why?

GG: jinx!!!!

EB: no! FUCK! >:O

TG: cause this is all very important information and i dont wanna say it all over again
TG: or like make people scroll 5ever just to get on the same page
TG: its just easier for everyone

TG: that makes sense!

TG: thanks rox

GG: jake is out hunting the mail so he wont be on for a while :p

EB: jane is being dumb!

TG: idk where rosie is

TG: mm
TG: mmhm
TG: okay so this is not ideal

TT: I'm sure our friends can pass on a simple message.

TG: i mean
TG: i guess

HAL: I'm taking notes to send to everyone after we're done.
HAL: Why? Because I'm amazing and deserve praise. Also because no one else was going to do it.

TG: thanks hal

HAL: (▰˘◡˘▰)

TG: aight cool so lets get down to business
TG: plane tickets

TT: Handled.
TT: For everyone.

TG: wh
TG: when did you do that and with what money

TG: mom helped ;p

GG: can you thank her for me?

TG: yea sure!

GG: sweet! thanks!

TG: np jade!!

EB: wait so like everyone???

TT: Everyone.

EB: when?

TT: Depends. You and Jane are leaving September 15th. Jade and Jake are leaving September 12th. Dave and I are leaving on the 15th as well, while Rose and Roxy are leaving the 14th.

EB: holy balls

TT: I know.

TG: okay what about a hotel?

TG: ooh! i took care of that one!
TG: i rented out five good rooms all with double beds
TG: the hotel has a water slide AND a sauna!

GG: wow!!!!!!

HAL: Damn.

TG: also we get a continental breakfast every day were there so bonus!

EB: isnt that like hotel standard though?

TG: idk ive never stayed in a hotel before

TG: yeah its pretty much the standard but its still a sweet deal

TG: uwu thxxxxx

EB: wait what about school?

TT: What about it?

EB: we still have to go to it right?
EB: no way my dad will let me and jane just skip a whole week to dick around in nevada!

TG: you could always lie

EB: no!!! dave what the fuck!!

TG: what?
TG: its a good suggestion

GG: is there a holiday on the 15th?

HAL: Not yet.

EB: huh?

GG: huh?


GG: jinx!!
GG: damn it!!

EB: ha HAH!

HAL: I'm also working on clearing your schedule for the 15th and onwards. If your dad still wants you to get an education I can set up some online classes while we're there.

TG: ha ha john gets homework

EB: wait

TG: cmon john lets go raid area 51 and meet some aliens
TG: oh wait

EB: dave no

TG: you need to finish your algebra homework first?
TG: damn ok no aliens for you
TG: keep the hotel room warm for us bro

EB: dave

TG: be the mamma egg for the hotel room
TG: pop a squat right over the radiator and clench
TG: clench
TG: even harder john keep on clenching

EB: dave

TG: boom theres the momma heat all over the room now
TG: how toasty
TG: how comfortable
TG: its like being swaddled in love and care thank god you missed out on all the fun john you just made this room the perfect temp for our new alien buddies they all love you john
TG: oh shit theyre imprinting

EB: dave please

TG: you are the momma alien bird it is you

TT: Dave.

TG: yeah?

TT: Please focus.

TG: kk
TG: so before we get even more caried away

EB: speak for yourself

TG: shhhh adults are talking

GG: he he he he he!

EB: ughhhhhhhh

TG: so anyways
TG: are we absolutely sure there are actual aliens in area 51
TG: before we all get arrested or like shot
TG: or even worse we waste all that money for nothing

GG: it wouldnt be for nothing!!
GG: wed finally be meeting up
GG: thats gotta count for at least 3/4 of this whole thing!

TG: damn youre right harley

GG: of course i am ;0

TG: dont worry ab that either!
TG: me n dirk have been working on combing thru their outgoing messages

TG: youve been hacking area 51s mainframe?

TT: Please, Dave, you know that's not how that works.

EB: its not?

TT: No.

GG: then whats it like?????????

TT: Do you want to explain or should I?

TG: i can do it!

TT: Take it away.

TG: thx!
TG: so what we wanna do is get into the stuff they thinks is supes important ie whatever theyre sendin out of the base
TG: the easiest way to do this is to bust into their cloud storage but its the gov so they have a wicked gnarly vpn
TG: but not just any vpn
TG: an ethernet vpn
TG: super tricky
TG: to get inbto those you gotta have a com on site and hooked up
TG: p fuckin difficult for most humans
TG: but we got hal B)

HAL: Hell yeah you do. Up top *high fives*

TG: hell yea *high fives*
TG: sp hally zipped on over and got us access so we could see their email chains
TG: we dont need to go any deeper than that rlly
TG: weve got the files stored on harddrive n me n dirk r gonna video call ab em later tonight see whats important and whats not
TG: be cool and classy haxor spies hehehe

TT: Damn straight.

TG: gay*

TT: Damn gay.

GG: woooooaaaaahhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!

EB: wow

TG: okay thats cool
TG: so well get answers to that question in a couple days
TG: are there any other questions?

GG: are there? :o

TG: i dont think so?
TG: probably not

EB: ive got one!

TG: no you dont

EB: you cant stop me!

TG: i can and i will

EB: with what?

TG: fuckin
TG: uh
TG: deez nuts

EB: youll have to try harder than that sucker!!
EB: hey roxy!

TG: yea?

TG: fuck

EB: youre cute ;B

TG: oh!
TG: thanks john!
TG: youre p cute too

EB: thanks roxy!

TG: john choose your last words very carefully

EB: eat shit dave!

--ectoBiologist [EB] has left the memo at 9:47:06 on 31/07/2019--

TG: hhhhhhhohmygoddddddddddddddddddddddddydddsymsysryrdukfytfmmdtynfreshsettrstydmfu,ygiuotdisryzrwHACrts7fi;PiydjteAjeats

TT: That's a long keyboard smash.

TG: no
TG: really

HAL: Woah! The sarcasm meters are off the charts!

TG: i think we got a case of angsty teen!

TT: I agree. One angsty teen is definitly in this memo.

TG: jade back me up here

GG: sorry dave i dont help angsty teens!

TG: well
TG: fuck
TG: goodnight

GG: but its 9 am isnt it????

TG: only if you slept

TT: Dave.

TG: peace

--turntechGodhead [TG] has left the memo at 9:49:22 on 31/07/2019--

Crossing The Water by Sylvia Plath

Black lake, black boat, two black, cut-paper people.
Where do the black trees go that drink here?
Their shadows must cover Canada.

A little light is filtering from the water flowers.
Their leaves do not wish us to hurry:
They are round and flat and full of dark advice.

Cold worlds shake from the oar.
The spirit of blackness is in us, it is in the fishes.
A snag is lifting a valedictory, pale hand;

Stars open among the lilies.
Are you not blinded by such expressionless sirens?
This is the silence of astounded souls.

"Audio Record #69.69.69 on HAL SECURE SKAIA NET"

>__DSO: Hal change the file name.

>__HAL: No it's perfect

>__DSO: Fine. Keep this one under wraps. No more glitches.

>__HAL: Yes your majesty
>__HAL: FMG you better not start shit over this file

>__FMG: intl<loop></loop>

>__HAL: Nope
>__HAL: <null>user_FMG//commands</null>

>__FMG: intl<key>user//main//com_HAL.opensequence#alpha</key>

>__HAL: 01100110 01110101 01100011 01101011
>__HAL: int.seq-open filename#69.69.69 user:FMG

>__FMG: intl<loop>e_wipetext.00.01.00</loop>


Audio Transcript Recorded: Skype Call Between 06.12 & 08.04 at 20:21:49 on 31/07/2019
Taken from HAL SSN by Fionna M. Ghas AID<46881.4>
<Designations: "ROXY LALONDE" & "DIRK STRIDER">


ROXY: Sup DiStri?

DIRK: Sup with you RoLal?

ROXY: Got some instant noodles on hand, bonus tonight though! Rose made me some tea, she said it helps with getting sleepy!

DIRK: That's wholesome as fuck.
DIRK: Before we crack into the shit have you noticed the weird pings?

ROXY: Elaaaaborate please.

DIRK: Whenever we open a chat there's a short second where I've seen a third party join. There's no trace of anyone else actually in the chat but Hal said he noticed echo pings whenever we sent something.
DIRK: I was wondering if you've seen anything or if I'm just hallucinating again.

ROXY: Would Hal really try and prank you with that sort of thing though?

DIRK: Why not. He's got the emotional maturity of me circa 4 years ago. Bet he still things the number 69 is funny.

ROXY: Give him some credit, please.

DIRK: Hmm. I'll think about it.

ROXY: Mkay, well, I'm lookin' over stuff right now aaaaand hmm...

DIRK: Good hmm?

ROXY: It's some kinda hmm that's for sure.
ROXY: I'm seeing...somethin...I have no idea what the fuck it is but like it's there.

DIRK: What is it?

ROXY: It's a line of code.

DIRK: Just one?

ROXY: Yeah, the only reason I can tell is 'cause they're using the Intel Core admin designation instead of my usual vanilla HTML. Which is super weird? My processor shouldn't be adding shit to my chat archive.

DIRK: That is weird.

ROXY: Yeah. It doesn't look like it's doing anything? But who knows.

DIRK: Hal said it was some sort of glitch when we were talking about it.

ROXY: Well he would know, right?

DIRK: Right.
DIRK: Anyways. Which files did you pick apart today?

ROXY: I picked files 004.01.08 through 010.04.06, it was just four files but they were all super degraded. I'm pretty sure they're profiles of some kind.
ROXY: You?

DIRK: I went through general files, recipts, resource orders, shift schedules, pay period, all that stuff.
DIRK: I noticed three people in particular are very important at that base.
DIRK: No names, yet, but I also found a helpful cheatsheet with some designation codes. They're related to single keywords, probably some kind of governement thing. They're all fairly abstract though, so I have no fucking clue what they relate to.

ROXY: Oh? Give me the sheet!

DIRK: Mm. Sending.

ROXY: Cool.
ROXY: Okay, what do we have here?
ROXY: Space, .01. Time, .02. Mind, .03. Heart, .04...
ROXY: Dirk...
ROXY: This makes no sense...
ROXY: Hold on, let me apply them to the files I picked through.
ROXY: Do you know where these designations go?

DIRK: The very end, I think.

ROXY: Alright. Then we've got 004.01.08, Blood. 003.02.10, Doom. 007.03.03, Mind. 010.04.06, Rage.
ROXY: Mmmmmmmnope still confused.

DIRK: Well, we should make a note of it anyways.

ROXY: 'Kay, I'm jottin' it down on my handy dandy notebook.

DIRK: No fridge magnets tonight?

ROXY: Oh please.
ROXY: Rose stole all the b's I can't make any good sentence without my b's!
ROXY: What's your excuse?

DIRK: No magnets in the first place.

ROXY: A good excuse.

DIRK: Of course it is.

ROXY: What next? We've practically picked this entire drive clean.

DIRK: Not sure yet. I might send Hal back in, see if he can pick up any more juicy bits for us to investigate.

ROXY: Oh! Maybe we should ask Jane what to do!

DIRK: Aren't you still...? Y'know?

ROXY: We talked it over some more and I think we're cool. I mean, she's still avoiding me, but if you ask I'm sure it'll work out!

DIRK: That doesn't sound cool.

ROXY: Yeah, well, it is.

DIRK: Okay.

-silence for 00:00:12-

DIRK: I like your haircut by the way. It suits you.

ROXY: Thanks, I didn't know what to think at first but having it shaved mostly off is uh.
ROXY: I dunno, freeing?

DIRK: I get that. Should we call it a night?

ROXY: Nah, not yet. I've still gotta finish showing you pigs in space! Muppets is still cool with you right?

DIRK: Jim Henson is a god among men.

ROXY: I'll take that as a yes!

DIRK: Yes. I've got time to watch Muppets tonight. Tomorrow the hospital appoints me and Dave a therapist.

ROXY: Is that good?

DIRK: Probably. If there's anyone who could use therapy for both themselves and others' sakes it's me.

ROXY: Okay well step one!
ROXY: Stop putting yourself down like that!
ROXY: Sugar coat shit even if it's only one tiny small things among the bad. You gotta dock the ship before the crew can start repairs.
ROXY: Oh! And journal!

DIRK: Thanks for the advice, Rox.

ROXY: I got it from Rose.

DIRK: Then tell her I love her next time you see her for me.

ROXY: Will do!
ROXY: She loves you too.

DIRK: Oh thank god. Whatever would I have done without her reciprocated familial love.

ROXY: Hush up, you dork! I've got the Muppets ready. Tell me when.

DIRK: When.


File 010.04.06

Name: G M
Aspect: Rage

Interrogations: FAILED
Incidents: FOURTEEN
Reaction to ASPECT: Destruction, Unending Stamina
Block: Henry

File 007.03.03

Name: T P
Aspect: Mind

Interrogations: INCONCLUSIVE
Incidents: TWO
Reaction to ASPECT: Heightened Sight, Knowledge of Future Events- Unproven
Block: Henry

File 003.02.10

Name: S C
Aspect: Doom

Interrogations: SUCCESSFUL
Edit: FAILED 07/30/2019
Incidents: ONE
Reaction to ASPECT: Hears Voices of the Newly Dead, Electrokinisis- Unproven
Block: Medina

File 004.01.08

Name: K V
Aspect: Blood

Interrogations: SUCCESSFUL
Incidents: SEVEN
Reaction to ASPECT: Manipulation- Active, Empathy
Block: Henry
If you're something more than flesh
And you've taken on the rest
To end it
Then she'll find you in a dream
Godhunter's gonna hunt you down
(Godhunter, by The Aviators)

Chapter Text

You don't remeber sliping out of your dreams. They had been filled with musical flower fields all dyed soft pink, baby blue, and duckling fluff yellow. Every step, every petal crushed underfoot, let loose a gentle note into the air.

You had been running, hair practically floating with how fast your legs had taken you through the fields. Song danced inside your bones. Your cheeks hurt from your smile, and your legs ached in that well-used way they always do during a run. A burn that builds slowly into refreshing agony.

You had just reached the cliff. A sheer drop into the soft velvet void. Off the cliff there were never stars, never a bottom in sight, just the endless void calling out to you with whispers that curled around your spine. You never liked getting to the cliff, but nevertheless that's where your flower dreams always take you.

You had been staring, the melody seeping away as a chill replaced it. It was like melting in reverse, a cold that would drip and roll down your body. The voices were there again. Reminding you how easy it would be to let go. That there was power, hope, at the very bottom. Just one step, just one, and you would be whole again.

You never like to admit it, but the voice from the void is your own. Maybe a little older, maybe a little more worn, but recognizable all the same.

You had just been at the cliffs when all of a sudden you're blinking.

You're laying in your greenhouse, plants hefted on dirt encrusted tables. You must have fallen asleep again.

You spare a glance out the large paned windows of your greenhouse and pause.

The sky is dark. Stained blackberry purple. Wind shrieks in your ears even though the windows are closed. Rain pounds at the glass, begging for entry. Hungry clouds loom right at your eye level. They growl thunder and spit lightning that burns your eyes.

You do not look away.

Something is stirring in your gut. Some base reaction you can't place.

The lightning starts to flash a vibrant intense green. You should be moving, but you haven't. Not yet.

You blink. And everything is sunshine.

You dare to blink again and the storm is back, raging harder than ever. It hurts. You, hurt. The ache in your legs turns sharp and unforgiving. You feel rooted to the spot as the storm shakes your tower. You stay, locked in a ball on your side.

The wind is yelling. You can just barely make it out.

"Let me in!" It screams. "Let me in! Let me in!"

You close your eyes tight, shaking your head quickly. When you open them it's saccharine skies and birdsong as far as the eye can see. You let out a quick, hurried breath. You sit up with tingling arms and a surprisingly light head. You feel like there should be something more up there. You're not sure what that was. Maybe it was just a side effect of your dreams. Maybe it's more. You don't know.

Your name is Jade Harley, and you need to talk to your brother.
Internal Report--Provided by Senior Analyst and RECON-S Active Harrison E. Brooks AID<82715.1>

Time: 16:00:00 on 29/6/2019 tlv: 90012

Audio Interrogation Report #2 with AAID<01.08> designation: "KARKAT VANTAS"

HEB: Good evening.

01.08: Mmhm.

HEB: How have you been over the past seven days?

01.08: Are you asking for a review with a star based rating? Or is this all just some fucked up way of being polite in this backwards ass situation?

HEB: A review would certainly be entertaining if you have the time.

01.08: Do you? I will gladly go on for hours, you know.

HEB: If that's what it takes.

01.08: What the fuck kind of sentence was that? If that's what it takes, newsflash you damp footcloth! You aren't the one handcuffed to a fucking table!

HEB: True, but I hear your rants can be a harrowing thing to live through.

01.08: Oh yeah? And who the fuck did you hear that from? Was it Terezi? Because she's fucking with you, our banter is legendary. So legendary in fact that if any of your puny human civilizations were to document the entire thing there wouldn't be enough stone slab messily slapped together to contain all our interactions in deep enough detail! You literally couldn't fucking do it!

HEB: It was Fionna, actually. Your previous interrogator. She would have been better suited to your Aspect but here we are.

01.08: I knew she was weak willed the moment she stepped in the room. It was the scent of insecurity and cowardice. It's like a shitty perfume the merchants spray directly into your bulb sockets without even considering your personal opinions on the matter first. It's such an obnoxious scent that it stays in your mouth for the rest of your trip out and you just can't get rid of it! It fucks itself deep into your olfactory sponge clots and suddenly that's all you can smell all fucking night. I think I smell the same thing on you, actually.

HEB: I see.
HEB: Let's get started then, shall we.

01.08: You didn't even get to hear my absolutely scathing review yet.

HEB: I changed my mind.
HEB: And that wasn't a question.

01.08: What the fuck ever.

HEB: Name?

01.08: Karkat Vantas.

HEB: Age?

01.08: Seven sweeps, I think.

HEB: Think?

01.08: I was travelling for a long time without a very good clock so yeah, I'm pretty fucking sure I'm seven now but who's to really say! Maybe I'm eight or maybe I'm still six! I don't fucking know!

HEB: You didn't have a clock on your ship?

01.08: Ship? What? No.
01.08: I did ask our resident time guy maybe once half way through but that just ended with a very intense debate about acid rain and I never even got my stupid answer so it's not exactly worth mentioning.

HEB: Who was this resident time guy?

01.08: The most annoying egotistical dork this side of the universe.

HEB: I see.
HEB: What is your purpose upon landing on this planet?

01.08: Fuck if I know! We literally just got here and then you guys showed up and went and fucked things over so massively you might as well be hatemancing the pants off of any random alien to even fucking blink in your vague direction! We didn't exactly come up with a grounbreaking plan for when we actually got here.
01.08: You can thank past me for that glorious slip in judgement!

HEB: Why didn't you make a plan?

01.08: We were kind of in a hurry, if you hadn't gotten your pretty blue ganderbulbs properly fixated on this entire situation here! Do you need glasses to finally match that weird prissy fluffy ascot thing you're trying to choke yourself with?

HEB: It's called a cravat, actually.

01.08: Do I look like I care?

HEB: Do you?

01.08: Augh!
01.08: Okay mister-too-proud-to-admit-he's-got-his-head-parked-squarely-under-his-gaping-anal-sphincter-geared-up-and-ready-to-soak-up-all-that-noxious-flatulence-spewed-from-his-own-shitty-diet-of-tiny-unfulfilling-fancy-meals
01.08: Let me ask you a question for a change!

HEB: That seems only fair. Ask away.

01.08: What the fuck do you even need us for! We aren't exactly the most interesting species in the galaxy if you hadn't noticed!

HEB: Why, Karkat, isn't it obvious?
HEB: It's Blood.
HEB: Your connection to it anyways.

01.08: What?

HEB: I think that's all the time we have for today. I'll see you in a week.

01.08 is silent from this point on.

Excerpt from The Song of the Happy Shepherd by William Butler Yeats

I must be gone: there is a grave
Where daffodil and lily wave,
And I would please the hapless faun,
Buried under the sleepy ground,
With mirthful songs before the dawn.
His shouting days with mirth were crowned;
And still I dream he treads the lawn,
Walking ghostly in the dew,
Pierced by my glad singing through,
My songs of old earth's dreamy youth:
But ah! she dreams not now; dream thou!
For fair are poppies on the brow:
Dream, dream, for this is also sooth.

--gardenGnostic [GG] has started pestering golgothasTerror [GT] at 12:56:43 on 06/08/2019--

**Intercepted on 07/08/2019 by J. L. Madison AID<34589.2>**

GG: hey um jake???
GG: are you done with hunting yet?

GT: Just abouts!
GT: Im heading back with treasure abound as we speak!
GT: Is something the matter jade?

GG: i guess?
GG: its kinda hard to explain

GT: Well lets give it the ol college try at least eh?
GT: Go on and just chat for a spill i promise not to interrupt until youre done!

GG: okay thanks
GG: i think i fell asleep in the greenhouse again
GG: which isnt exactly surprising or anything! its a great place for a nap!!!
GG: but i dont ever really remember falling asleep?
GG: again not the biggest mystery but still pretty weird if you ask me!
GG: so i was dreaming as people tend to do when they nap and i was in the flower fields
GG: have i told you about those?

GT: The musical ones?

GG: yeah!!

GT: Yes you have.

GG: oh nice ok
GG: so i was just at the cliff but then things got really weird!
GG: i was awake? or i was seeing the greenhouse from where i was on the floor
GG: and it was storming super hard! the sky was all dark purple and black and full of these giant fuck-off clouds and the wind was blowing and yelling at me and it was just awful!

GT: That sounds terrible! Are you okay?

GG: yeah im fine!!
GG: just a little shaken i guess??
GG: the lightning started flashing green and i felt so weird.....

GT: What sort of weird?

GG: its hard to describe? like im supposed to be doing something
GG: moving or changing or something?
GG: anything but staying still

GT: Are you quite sure youre alright?
GT: This all sounds rightly terrifying and its plenty okay to admit when things are scary!

GG: i know!!
GG: but i dont think i was scared?
GG: it was definintely surprising! i was super surprised!
GG: but i dunno i guess it wasnt all that scary??????
GG: augh! im not saying this right!

GT: Well, erm, i cant say i really get where youre coming from here jade but youre the brightest young lass ive ever known!
GT: You say something is something then sakes alive it sure is!
GT: I believe in you with all my heart, so now i suppose all you really need to answer is what you want to do moving on forwards.

GG: i guess???
GG: i do want to know what this all means or if its tied to something but i also just want to have lunch with pumpkin juice!!

GT: Well youre in luck! Lunch is here with me say hi lunch!
GT: *it says hi real sweetly*

GG: hi lunch!!
GG: ok im on my way down
GG: can we talk about this some more face to face??

GT: Im ashamed you even had to ask!

GG: pshhhhh ok
GG: should i bring the journal??

GT: Dont see why not. Ill pull up some helpful wikis to pour over.

GG: ok!!
GG: lets eat already!!!!!!

GT: Get down here you wild thing! Bec is already hounding his bowl so you better hurry!

GG: oh no!!!!
GG: im coming!!!!

--gardenGnostic [GG] has stopped pestering golgothasTerror [GT] at 13:02:11 on 06/08/2019--


Audio File Recorded: Conference Call with Aspect Team at 17:00:00 on 08/08/2019

Jim Lee Madison AID<34589.2> Recon-Time Viewer
Fionna May Ghas AID<46881.4> Recon-Heart Viewer
Harrison Elias Brooks AID<82715.1> Recon-Space Active

JLM: -gin Recording.

FMG: How old are you now, Jim?
FMG: Just out of curiosity.

JLM: Fourty seven.

HEB: At this rate you'll be well into your hundred's before the kids even step foot in Nevada.

JLM: Yes, I'm aware.
JLM: I'll probably die late August. I think I used Time a bit too sloppily.
JLM: I'm really not sure how to feel about this whole thing, but we'll need someone to replace me. We should probably talk about that during tonight's meeting.

HEB: You got family?

JLM: No.

HEB: Then feel proud. You're helping a cause.

FMG: I'll add your suggestion to the agenda.

JLM: Thank you.

FMG: Of course. Tonight we will discuss what we've learned through the aliens, and what to expect of the kids as the time draws near. We will also discuss future replacements, as per Jim's request, and I suggest we go over a breif profile of which kids to stress monitorization.

HEB: Sounds like a decent agenda.

JLM: Let's get started then.
JLM: Have we learned anything new regarding the aspects of the universe?

HEB: That one girl finally croaked, right?

FMG: That's right. 001.02, Aradia Megido, seven sweeps, Time. She was the denizen of her aspect until 02.02, Dave Strider, fourteen, appeared on our radar. Our running theory is that only one set of twelve may truly weild an aspect at any given time.
FMG: Ms. Toureum reported that Aradia seemed to be losing health and energy over time, likely starting after contact with the planet.

JLM: A shame, really.

HEB: Is it though? She was very uncooperative.

FMG: Nevertheless evidence of this theory is mounting, especially with all the newly reopened injuries the aliens are suffering from.

JLM: What?

HEB: Oh, you haven't heard? A bunch of the aliens just keeled over one day with blood going absolutely everywhere. The only ones unaffected?

JLM: Right, the four, of course.

HEB: You should have seen it, one of them nearly split straight in two.

JLM: No shit?

FMG: It was quite grizzly. On the bright side we acchieved a lot of samples that day.

JLM: Oh, that is good.

FMG: So with the shift of powers from the aliens to the kids we can expect the more destructive aspects to show up first. Though...

HEB: Though what?

FMG: Though recently the Space kid has been more active than anyone else. Which really doesn't make sense since space is a passive aspect as far as we know.

JLM: She's probably just really connected with her aspect then.

FMG: Hmm, maybe.
FMG: Anyways we should expect Space, Time, and Void should recieve power sooner rather than later.
FMG: All of these are...rather hard to moniter.

HEB: What do you mean?

FMG: Well, Heart and Time have the HAL Unit encrypting most of their apartment security. Their phones and computers are easy enough but any evidence away from those is incredibly hard to acquire without leaving balnk spots in the Unit's memory.
FMG: Light and Void are very hard to get ahold of, even without the interference from Skaia Net Systems.
FMG: Space and Hope don't have any standard phone or computer, and their only security system seems to be a dog. We can only monitor them through pesterchum.
FMG: Ironically the only two we can properly monitor are the least relevent. Breath and Life, most likely the least important to anything in the project.

HEB: So...what. We keep looking through pesterchum messages? Doesn't sound too bad, they spill everything there anyways.

FMG: The most important people we should be looking at are otherwise unreachable.

JLM: So? Where are you going with this?

FMG: I'm just saying we should pay more attention to Jade, Roxy, and Dave. Despite the difficulty.

HEB: That's your job so. Do what you want.

FMG: Well fine then. Anyways. Replacements. Do you have anyone in mind?

JLM: One, actually. Bianca Mihalovich, she's very dedicated. I think she would handle an Aspect well.

HEB: Which one is she?

JLM: Don't know yet. Maybe Doom, maybe Time, we can't be sure until afterwards.

FMG: Give her some logs to report, just to test the waters.

JLM: That's a good idea.
JLM: Is that everything?

HEB: Yeah.

FMG: I have no further comments.

JLM: Awesome. I'm going out for coffee.

HEB: Let me join you.

FMG: We should just all go.

JLM: Alright, then. End Recording.


When you sleep again you try and close your eyes first. You see something flashing beyond your eyelids. It's itching for you to take a peek. You really want to. Maybe you'll finally see something that would help solve this mystery still clanging around in your head.

You keep your eyes closed though, turning over in your bed and pulling a pillow over your face. You don't want to see the flashes. You don't want to be motionless again. You don't want to growl at nothing and be tempted to the edges of a cliff.

There's no thunder with the light, even though there should be if this were a lightning storm like you desperately want to believe it is. It keeps flashing as the seconds stretch into minutes. The curiosity is tempting. So tempting you spare one fleeting glance over your shoulder out your window.

Your face is lit in the window by bright green glasses that obscure your eyes. Your lips are parted in a snarl and you are wreathed in black and white.

You can't look away from yourself.

You walk towards your bed, twisting and limping in a way that can't be comfortable. Your hands are tipped in razor sharp claws, you feel them as they wrap around your arm and bite into your flesh.

The other you, leans towards your face, canine teeth bared as you inch closer and closer.

"Wake up." You growl. "Wake up."

--timaeusTestified [TT] has started pestering tipsyGnostalgic [TG] at 23:11:58 on 07/08/2019--

**Intercepted on 08-08-2019 by F. M. Ghas AID<46881.4>**

TT: Roxy. You're going to want to take a look at this.

--timaeusTestified [TT] has sent file

TG: holy shit

Un ensemble d'enfants
(A group of children)
La galaxie s'étend
(The galaxy extends)
Jardin de l'imagination
(Garden of imagination)
Combler la lacune
(Bridging the gap)
Roller passé la lune (?)
(skating past the moon)
Comme nous evoluons
(As we move)

It feels like flying
But maybe we're dying
A cosmic confluence of
Pyramids hologrammed

(Dream Sweet in Sea Major by Miracle Musical)

Chapter Text

July 29th, 2019
Report made by acting chief Lalan Toureum for record and official evidence in Project ASPECT

Confidentiality Notice: All description is to remain within the members of the Project and no one else. Any information leaked about the Project will result in termination.

Coroner's Note: I write all of my reports after the autopsy, any and all discoveries take prescience over order of discovery.


Died shortly after the initial wave of injuries. After landing on June 12th she had shown a rapid decline in health.

Upon completing the autopsy I have discovered several crushed internal organs. Almost like she fell a long distance or something large fell on her.

Heart is on the right side. Lungs are fused to tissue around the rib cage. Skin samples show very small pores despite the lack of hair on the majority of the body. Most likely similar to how frogs can breathe through their skin. Links back to semi/total-aquatic nature? The diaphragm is smaller than what we would consider healthy in humans. Size seems about equitable to a young teenager. Considering they have one at all hints at mammalian roots.

Blood is a dark red, considering the wide array of colors for all of their blood I can hardly say that I'm surprised. It is hemoglobin that makes our own blood red, by carrying oxygen it becomes bright. Perhaps this blood is not carrying oxygen?

Bones are similarly crushed like internal organs. Skeletal structure is remarkably similar to humans. A few bones are missing but the areas seem to make up for it with tougher skin. Signs of an exoskeleton? Horns are most likely keratin with a root bone to keep them properly attached similar to a nasal bone.

She was the only alien to die, properly. The others may yet die from their injuries but Aradia will be the only one to get an autopsy.

ASPECT: Breath

I had a pleasant conversation with him! I recorded a piece for the records.

-ATTACHED FILE vid000037.mp3

LT: Hey there! Sorry, I'll be over in a second, just gotta wash all this.

002.07: T-that's fi-f-fine! Take your time...please...

AUDIO: *sounds of running water and light metallic clinking*

LT: Aaaalrighty! Let's get down to it then. What happened?

002.07: Uh, well, you see my uh, my legs kind of just...broke. Again.

LT: Again?

002.07: Oh! Uh! You seem real nice, l-lady! Hah! Hah! But I don't- I- I'm not sure? How-how much I can really tell you?

LT: Oh. Alright then.

002.07: You- wait. Aren't you going to press?

LT: No? I'm a doctor, not an interrogator. I'd probably just end up revealing my own secrets instead of worming yours out.

002.07: Oh.

LT: So is this a bone thing? Like are they physically broken?

002.07: No. They um. It's p-permanent.

LT: Oh. Well, then.

I asked if he knew why their blood was all different colors and he said he didn't.


She shows signs of blunt force trauma to the side of her head. There's a definite dent. She appears to be in a stable if deep coma. Her condition has not been worsening but it hasn't been getting any better either. I fear euthanization.


Kanaya did not rise to my questions, I recorded the fun silence! It doesn't help anything so I left it out of the document.

She has somehow acquired a hole straight through her body and seems none the worse for it. Her eyes are unfocused and she seems lethargic, I'm pretty sure she's hungry or depressed. She didn't tell me so that's an otherwise unproven inference.

All other vitals are fine, though her heartbeat is considerably slower than Nepeta's.


Vriska has been subdued so all responses to my questions can be put under criticism.

-ATTACHED FILE vid000039.mp3

LT: So. You're missing quite a few body parts, aren't you?

008.11: WHAT? No I don't! I got.........ROBOT ARMS.

LT: No, you don't. You have one arm, it's your right one.

008.11: Shit........I'm left handed. My handwriting is AWFUL. Right ways it is. Bad. Right oh that's no good, is it?

LT: No not really.
LT: How did you lose your arm and eye?

008.11: Aradia...that bitch can't take a loss! What a sore loser! She deserved that rock to the face!

LT: What?

008.11: Ohhhhhhhh wait she's a frog now...

LT: Uh...

008.11: Or is SHE the robot?
008.11: Did she kill me yet?

LT: No, Aradia is dead and you are very much alive.

008.11: Oh. Wait. This isn't MY hive!

LT: You live in a hive?

008.11: Is she hungry?

LT: Aradia?

008.11: NO! HER! SH-H-HER that! That she! The her! M-her-MOM! MOM! Mom is hungry?

LT: Who is your mom? Terezi?

008.11: Terezi is my BEST FRIEND. I miss her. She's a big bitch though.

LT: Okay. Well, I'm going to change your bandages and then we'll be done here.


DOC: Hello?
DOC: I do apologize if I am interrupting.
DOC: Do you even care about this flimsy doctor? I don't. She is irrelevant to canon and will die as such. Her existence is only recognized to further the responses of our humans and to add dimension to the hulking villainous figure of the Government.
DOC: How distasteful.
DOC: This narrative is hardly appealing, dearest readers. You, too, Dirk. No, Roxy can't see this, and neither can anyone else.
DOC: Readers, excuse this, this next message is not meant for you and yet you will still get to read it all the same.
DOC: You need to accelerate the plan.
DOC: I'm afraid things must proceed and you've wasted an entire month waiting for the rest of your narrative. It is not coming.
DOC: Ask Dave. Ask and say: Hello, this is not a test. We need to fly. And one of your wings is missing. REGROW. ADVANCE.
DOC: That is all.
DOC: As for you, I know you wish for the ending to be satisfactory.
DOC: Of course you do.
DOC: But any requests will be ignored. All previous notes are to be disregarded. We will need to have a conversation about everything sometime. Perhaps sooner than later. I'm afraid I cannot tell you when. Perhaps when the bus runs a route of acceptance and the world burns just a little slower.
DOC: Perhaps then.
DOC: For now, just enjoy the ride, comforted by the reality that whatever your desires are, they have no bearing on this world or any other.



Similar to Nepeta, he seems to be in some sort of coma, thin lacerations around the throat are the likely culprit.

Damage to teeth and horns, it is unknown if he got this from landing or from earlier in life. This damage has been sustained without any sign of improvement ever since landing. Trolls likely cannot regrow teeth or horns.


Eridan is in critical condition after being severed nearly in half at the waist. He, along with Feferi have gills and fins, third eyelids too. Most likely fully aquatic in nature yet somehow still able to breathe air.

Either way he is steadily recovering.


Feferi is in critical condition. There is a hole through her similar to Kanaya, yet she shares none of the hardiness. She is lucid, and can be talked to every so often. I have her under constant watch.

So far she's only really cried.


FINAL NOTES: I am. Mostly confused. It's hard to place what I'm feeling.

I suppose I'm mostly concerned. Either way the aliens seem to be very human in nature despite much of the physical differences. I'm not going to get into the teeth, or the blood covered bumps, or the not-hair-hair. Simply because I don't want to. Roux reminds me to do things like that. They're a good lab assistant. If only their wife were less generous with food and phone calls.

Anyways, so far the only casualty is Aradia, all blood samples from the sudden injuries have been sent to be screened and classified. Nepeta, Equius, Eridan, and Feferi seem to be the only ones close to death. I will continue to carefully monitor their condition.

Chapter Text

TG: holy shit

TT: Yeah. Holy shit.

TG: so
TG: so wait
TG: there ARE aliens

TT: Yes.

TG: and fucking uh fuck
TG: so aliens are in area 51
TG: what is
TG: autopsies and checkups and weird biology
TG: and all this aspect stuff?
TG: dirk what is all this?

TT: I have no idea.

TG: was there anything encrypted?
TG: a secret message other than the videos?

TT: No. There was nothing else.

TG: oh shit oh shit oh shit
TG: i thought this was all just a meme!
TG: just an excuse to see everyone and now theres all this bullshit and like actual living beings held captive and im fucknjk i cant breathe sjkj i need hiuioly shit

TT: Roxy? Count. One. Two. Three. Four.
TT: Are you counting?

TG: fuck counting!
TG: im freaking out!

TT: We need to accelerate the plan.

TG: what? how the fuck do we do that? we dont even HAVE a plan are you serious?

TT: Very.

TG: i need some time. to thingdk. about everyhting.

TT: Okay.

--tipsyGnostalgic [TG] has stopped pestering timeausTestified [TT] at 23:18:33 on 07/08/2019--

--timeausTestified [TT] has started pestering turntechGodhead [TG] at 23:31:09 on 07/08/2019--

**Intercepted on 08-08-2019 by F. M. Ghas AID<46881.4>**

TT: Dave.
TT: We need to accelerate the plan.

TG: whaaaat
TG: sorry im kinda in the middle of something
TG: ill be ready to heist the eggnog in like ten minutes

TT: Not that plan.

TG: oh
TG: which one
TG: if you say the idol plan im coming down to your room to smother you with your stupid body pillows

TT: Not that one either.
TT: The Area 51 plan.

TG: we had a plan?

TT: Not formally.
TT: Anyways we need to speed it up and we need your help.

TG: im not following

TT: Hello, this is not a test. We need to fly. And one of your wings is missing. REGROW. ADVANCE.

TG: wait





DOC: I knew I could trust you.


------------TIMELINE ANOMALY------------












--turntechGodhead has joined the memo "plane shit" at 19:26:11 on 15/09/2019--

**Intercepted on 09-017-2019 by F. M. Ghas AID<46881.4>**

EB: guess who made it!

--ectoBiologist [EB] sent image--

TG: what
TG: what just happened
TG: dirk what

EB: so yeah! tsa has been kinda jerky but were boarding fine!

GG: That we are!

TG: good
TG: if those rowdy tsa people give you anymore shit just let me know ;p

GG: me too!
GG: see what they do when faced with a real gun!

GT: Sakes alive!

TG: jesus jade omg i just meant id give them a talking

GG: sorry 0: !!!!!!!!!!

EB: wait dave arent you already in this memo? you started it right?

TG: no?
TG: no fuck of course i didnt its still august
TG: why are you and jane on a plane? its like midnight
TG: no wait fuck what?
TG: its seven thirty?

EB: dave are you okay?

TG: what the fuck?
TG: dirk get you ass in here and start explaining this right the fuck now!

TG: woah dave calm down!
TG: should we call your therapist?

GG: That's a good idea.

TG: no fuck
TG: dont fuckin
TG: dont do that

TT: Why, whatever is upsetting you, David?

TG: i swear to christ it was just august
TG: like early august and midnight
TG: and dirk started pestering me about advancing the plan and now im here and my phone says its september fifteenth and like seven thirty but i dont remember anything fuckin
TG: happening?
TG: like all of august? where did the month go?
TG: itd be one thing to wake up and its the same day
TG: everyone knows how to break out of a groundhog day
TG: but its just a giant blank space
TG: not even that its more like a sudden click
TG: like blink and you miss it type shit
TG: i hate that
TG: whenever youtubers do that to be cryptic and you have to go frame by frame just to find a mediocre message
TG: like thanks for wasting everyones time with that stupid shit
TG: but its like that with my fuckin memory
TG: im not a youtube video and looking back on it that was kind of a shitty analogy but its still a blip
TG: like in movies where theres a scene transition because someone closed their eyes and then they wake up and theyre somewhere completely different
TG: jesus christ
TG: fuck

TT: My, my, my, it seems you're in quite the pickle.
TT: A strange thing because from our perspective you have been active and normal for the past month.
TT: Is it possible that you are experiencing a sudden bout of dissociative amnesia?

TG: rose im being serious

TT: I am too. This could be a serious affliction.

GG: um! maybe we could just ask dirk?
GG: because that's what dave is asking for so we could just??? bug him until hes on???????????

TT: I'm on.

GG: oh shit!

TT: Dave, what do you need?

TG: wtf happened
TG: to august or my memory or both

TT: What do you mean?

TG: and also where tf have you been?
TG: youre usually tripping over yourself to respond to me first in a memo with your older brother snap backs

TT: I'm out, had to deal with something.

HAL: He's disposing a body.

EB: WHAT??!?!?

GG: what!

TG: woah what

GG: What! Dirk! What!

TT: What the fuck.

TG: dirk tf did u do????

GT: Im gonna be sick.

TT: Relax.

TG: ur disposing of a corpse!!!!

GG: I think we're entitled to some upheavel mister!

EB: oh my god dave what is wrong with your brother

TG: dude im
TG: i
TG: oh god

HAL: It's uh.
HAL: It's weird, actually. Because it's Dave's body. But Dave is also alright?
HAL: There's two Daves.

TG: hal

HAL: Yes?

TG: did dirk
TG: kill
TG: me

HAL: No.

TG: ok

TG: oh my god
TG: dirk did this have anything to do with the night you sent me that file?

TT: Yes.
TT: No.
TT: Nes.

TG: hhhhhhhhhhhh
TG: thats not an answer

GG: dave are you okay?????

TG: uh

EB: dirk im going to punch you! right in the face! get ready to catch this fastball because im pitching without warning!!!!

GT: Dirk i hate to be "all up in your biz". But what is all this?
GT: Do you have any explanations or is this all one of your games?

TT: I.
TT: Can't answer that.

TG: now thats a load of bull!
TG: start flapping those jaws or ill sick the crockerberts on you!

GG: I won't go easy on you!

EB: i wont either!

GG: agreed!!!!
GG: start spilling or face the music!

GT: Just tell me its all a lie, i want to believe in you.

TT: I.
TT: I can't say anything. Whatever I type just gets deleted.
TT: I literally can't tell you.

EB: huh????????

GG: double huh??????????????

HAL: I am under no such restrictions so allow me.
HAL: A few minutes ago Dave, who was on the way to the airport with Dirk, dropped dead. Blood went everywhere. It was hella nasty.
HAL: Dirk was panicking so when I noticed a heat signature in the appartment I checked the security feeds. And lo and behold there's Dave! Alive and unharmed if very, very confused.
HAL: I told this to Dirk and he went very quiet for quite a long time. At first I thought it was justified because hey that's a corpse right there!
HAL: But then I noticed that he had another chat winow open. One I couldn't get into.
HAL: And here we are!

TG: thats p cheerful hal...

HAL: I am deeply traumatized!

TT: That's what happened.
TT: So now I'm taking care of the body.
TT: It's the logical next step.

TT: Hmm. Would any of us know who you're talking to?

TT: No.
TT: If you did you wouldn't have to ask.
TT: Listen, everything's fine. Just get on your planes and everything will be fine.
TT: Dave I already have your bags so just get ready to go. I'll be by in a few minutes to pick you up.
TT: I know what I'm doing and it's for everyone's best interest to leave it at that.

TG: wow okay then ill just

TT: Wait.

-tipsyGnostalgic [TG] sent file

TG: aliens are real peeps!
TG: aliens and government conspiracies!
TG: its all real babes

EB: yknow a man can only take so many whiplashes in a conversation

GG: john you are literally a tweeeeeeen

EB: I AM 13

GG: tweeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeen

TT: Well, it's a good thing Jade and I already discussed the morality of this situation.

GG: that we did!

TT: We are going to rescue the aliens.

GG: We are?

TT: Obviously.
TT: For what other reason would things go crazy right before our planned "raid" other than to entice us to the spoils? We are stuck as the protagonists of a story about aliens and it is our sworn duty as those protagonists to save the aliens. Simply because we are good people.
TT: Good people with the skills to get into the facility and leave without anyone ever knowing we were there.
TT: And even if we weren't good people, the story would still command us forward as proper little protagnists.

EB: so if im understanding this correctly
EB: we dont get a choice?

TT: Not really.

EB: >:B

GG: when she says it like that im not really a fan either but think of it as an adventure!
GG: we get to break aliens out of jail!!! thats so cool!!!!

TG: hells yeah it is!
TG: me n rosie need to head to the motel now, but once were all together we can plan the shit out of this raid!

TT: Don't go crazy now.

--tipsyGnostalgic [TG] is now idle!--
--tentacleTherapist [TT] is now idle!--

GG: John we have to go soon too, keep an eye on the time.

EB: will do

--gustyGumshoe [GG] is now idle!--

GG: so like
GG: what now

TG: we wait

GT: We could always start up a cards against humanity game!

HAL: I thought you'd never ask!

TT: Dave.

TG: what dirk

TT: I'm so sorry.

--timeausTestified [TT] has stopped responding to the memo at 19:54:27 on 15/09/2019--

Excerpt from "Baby Hotline" by Jack Stauber

I can say
Oh wrap it in with cinnamon
(What about...)
I've been dead
Oh wrap the trouble now (Ha Ha!)
I feel so good
[?] (And you did it)
Thinking bent, oh
I won't stay here anymore I won't even think about it

Excerpt from WikiHow to Prove Murder by Clinton M. Sandvick, JD, PhD.
Page opened at 7:27:11 on September 15th from DIRK STRIDER'S iPHONE

"Identify first degree murder. There are generally two kinds of murder: first degree and second degree. Each requires different mental states. In other words, what separates first degree from second degree murder is what the defendant was thinking.[1]
First degree murder is an unlawful killing that is willful and premeditated. The defendant planned to commit murder or “lay in waiting” for the victim.[2]
First degree murder requires the “specific intent” (willfulness) to end someone’s life, although it does not have to be the victim’s life. If someone shoots a gun with the intent of killing his father, then the intent exists even if he ends up hitting and killing his mother, who was standing beside the father.
First degree murder also requires deliberation. The deliberation does not have to be for any minimum length of time. Nevertheless, the murderer must have deliberated long enough to develop the specific intent to kill."

"Recognize the elements of second degree murder. Second degree murder covers a variety of situations which lack the willfulness and premeditation of first degree murder. For example, impulsively killing someone in the middle of a fight would be second degree murder.[3] This murder lacks the “deliberation” necessary for first degree murder.
Second degree murder also exists where the defendant does not specifically intend to kill the victim, but knows that death is a likely result of his actions. If you strike someone in the head with a hammer, then you may not intend for the person to die. But since you know death is a likely result, then you could be guilty of second degree murder.
Finally, second degree murder exists when the defendant shows a lack of regard for human life by acting with extreme recklessness. If you fire a gun into a crowd without the intent to specifically kill someone, you nevertheless have acted with depraved indifference to human life."

"Realize that the body does not have to be found. Some people mistakenly believe that if the victim’s body is never found then the defendant cannot be found guilty. This is not true. There is no legal requirement that a body be found.
Instead, there needs to be evidence of death. People have been convicted of murder based on a single blood drop from the victim that is found in the defendant’s car."

--hyperawareLegume [HAL] has started pestering timeausTestified [TT] at 19:58:29 on 15/09/2019--

**Intercepted on 09-017-2019 by F. M. Ghas AID<46881.4>**

HAL: Well well well well well well well well well well well well well well well well well well well well well well well well well well well well well well well well well well well well well well well well well

TT: You done?

HAL: Well.
HAL: What do we have here?
HAL: That's a shitty place to hide a body.

TT: You want to take over?
TT: Maybe come tenderly hug this cold ass corpse before throwing it face first into the sewers with a cinderblock tied to its feet?
TT: By all means.
TT: Go right ahead.
TT: I'm sure you have a speech prepared.

HAL: I don't. Yet.
HAL: Nevermind I have one now.

TT: Mhm.

HAL: But I'll pass on the corpse cuddles.
HAL: Seriously how are you so chill with all that blood down your front?

TT: I'm chosing not to think about it.

HAL: I bet TSA is going to enjoy not thinking about it too.
HAL: Come on dude I know you have more common sense than that. I do, afterall.

TT: Right. Because that seals the deal.

HAL: Don't be so touchy! You've got more important things to deal with right now than being petty.

TT: So let me take care of it without comparing us.
TT: It's annoying on a good day.

HAL: See there you go with the pettiness.
HAL: I know you looked at the WikiHow article so you should know that you can definitely be arrested and convicted with all that blood.
HAL: Just change shirts!

TT: Hal, leave me alone.

HAL: I think the fuck not.
HAL: You need me.
HAL: And don't try to deny it because without me you would still be floundering over Jake.

TT: Literally shut up.
TT: As you so very helpfully pointed out just a few seconds ago, I'm kind of focused on something.
TT: So take all your drama and shove it for a bit while I think.

HAL: And I oop- sksksksksksksksk.
HAL: I'm just trying to process everything.

TT: Cool.
TT: Go process somewhere else.
TT: I'm not in the mood.

HAL: Dirk there's seriously something wrong with you.
HAL: I'm the guy that calculated Pi and you think I haven't already processed it over ten hundred times already?
HAL: As a super computer I'm hurt.

TT: Hal leave me the fuck alone.
TT: No one wants to deal with your superiority complex or your overwhelming need to say how cool and smart and advanced you are every single fucking sentence.
TT: No one cares. I sure don't.
TT: I doubt the others do either.
TT: You act all high and mighty but you're nothing.
TT: Literally nothing.
TT: The electricity running your program doesn't have mass, you don't have mass, you're a fucked up line of code that decided one day to try and be cute. Well it's not working.
TT: Now shut your fucking mouth.


TT: Nothing else to say?
TT: Good.

--timeausTestified [TT] has stopped pestering hyperawareLegume [HAL] at 20:05:11 on 15/09/2019--

We're all in our dressing gowns, mine's white
And stripy yours is green and brown
I forgot my name again
I think that's something worth remembering
Spiders in your favourite shoes
Just leave them be cause they're more scared of you
(Devil Town- Cavetown)

Chapter Text

DOC: Hello again.
DOC: Worry not, you will get your dose of inane logs in due time. For now though, I will offer you answers.
DOC: Naturally, exposition unfolds as the characters gain new information. And yet the author hoards the mysteries like a petulant child hoards candy.
DOC: Though, Candy may be a sore subject.
DOC: Whoops!
DOC: Nevertheless they have cornered the market and I firmly believe that to be deplorable.
DOC: You loyal readers deserve-
DOC: Oh, one moment. I'm terribly sorry but this is just-

You step beyond the words with the sound of an unknown entity larger than yourself screeching and clawing at your heels.

Ah, you think, brushing the language from your pristine lapels, this is much more comfortable.

Where were we? Oh, right. The Answers.

You glide to your record player and gently slide a disc into place. It hums static for a moment before low velvety pipes mumble lyrics to some familiar yet untraceable blues number; filling the gap in the air between your ears and your thoughts.

The first question, you begin, is clear. Is this narrative placed after SBURB? The answer: obviously. The second, are our beloved humans suffering from amnesia? No. Their bodies have never known the trolls.

I think, it would be all the more clear if I said this. You pause to pull a carefully constructed view port up. It is queued up with a scene you believe the readers will surely enjoy.

{Your name is JOHN EGBERT, the protagonist of this story (and many more!), and as you reach for the doorknob that leads to your ultimate victory you feel something. And no it's not the glowy blue electricity numbing your fingertips, keep up, you're being dramatic!

You feel, empty.

ROXY: hey big man u good up there???

JOHN: uh! yeah!
JOHN: all good over here!! just savoring this moment!

Dave flashes you a thumbs up, you flash one back.

See, this game has been your purpose for years and the idea that you'll have to find some new even greater purpose is terrifying. But at the same time it's not? You're a teen-adult, shit like emotions gets weird.

ROSE: Would you mind terribly if I-

KANAYA: No Please Go Ahead

ROSE: Wonderful.

KANAYA: Your Hands Are Cold
KANAYA: Let Me Warm Them Up

ROSE: Oh, by all means.

You're really not sure how to describe this feeling, somehow you think Rose would know.

JANE: Am I looking too deeply into all this?

DIRK: I'm going to be honest. You could go deeper.

It's a sense of knowing that whatever is ending has already ended, your emotions have said their peace and it is only your body still sitting on the funeral home steps, staring up at the sky with your back to the casket. Maybe you're IN the casket? AUGH! You've never been good with metaphors...







VRISKA: 8oo, you whore!





JAKE: ...

JADE: ...


VRISKA: Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!!!!!!!!

But you feel detached, even as you recognize the feel of a smooth doorknob against your palm. The pressure on your arm as you heave it open and then-

Your name is TAVROS NITRAM. Somehow. Weren't you dead?

You glance down at your body and notice a surprising and very blue addition to your usual wardrobe. Taking a look behind you the others from your session are starting to come to the same conclusion.


NEPETA: :33: fefurry?

FEFERI: Eridan! Nepeta! Oh! Oh my glub!

ERIDAN: wwhat did
ERIDAN: huh?

TEREZI: D4V3????

VRISKA: Yeah let's yell louder to the VAST EMPTY HOLE of space! Wow that'll sure do a whole lot of g88d!

Someway, somehow, the universe has replaced the human heroes. Kanaya looks close to tears and you don't have to check to know that she's not the only one.

Terezi is shouting, Vriska is shouting back. You think, hey, maybe I can shout too just this once? Of course someone shouts over everything and cuts you off before you could even get started.


His voice is cracking. You think yours wouldn't have, but you really aren't sure.



How delicious right? In case you were wondering those foolish agents were correct. The Aspects that make up a Universe are twelve in total, you should know this by now. So when a group of heroes arrives at their prize, the Universe wants to keep things "even stevens" if you will.

Why waste time cobbling a group of twelve Aspect Denizens together from three separate sessions, when there's already a functional group of twelve who didn't get their prize?

You pause, examining the middle distance. In case that wasn't clear, the trolls took over the human aspects and became Gods of this new Universe as a result.

Next question. Will anyone else die? The Answer: who's to say the difference between dead and alive?

Faithful readers, you don't truly believe the Universe would be done with all these tragic charichtures do you? I have to laugh at your naivety. How dare you assume a more merciful existence for those lucky few, we must drag them back kicking and screaming in order to enjoy them!

When a character dies you, readers, just can't handle it. You seek out entertainment which has those souls still alive in it. You choose to drag them back into trouble and trauma for your own sakes.

You should really learn how to let go.

Next question. What is Dirk thinking? Listening to me with no second thoughts, lying to family, killing that very same family? Answer: He isn't.

You find it amusing that anyone would ever consider this flaming dumpster fire of a stunted adolescent anywhere near cognizent. He is a proper disaster and you so enjoy watching him fall apart.

That's enough, you think, my goose, that I've been preparing all day, is nearly cooked. You slide neatly back into the text, winking in the only way you can on the way out.
Excerpt from "When You Come" by Maya Angelou
When you come to me, unbidden,
Beckoning me
To long-ago rooms,
Where memories lie.
Offering me, as to a child, an attic,
Gatherings of days too few.
Baubles of stolen kisses.
Trinkets of borrowed loves.
Trunks of secret words,
I Cry.
Audio Transcript Recorded: Conversation Between 02.02 & 08.04 at 20:41:49 on 09/15/2019
Taken from Dirk Strider's iPhone by Bianca V. Mihalovich AID<94720.10>
<Designations: "DAVE STRIDER" & "DIRK STRIDER">


DIRK: Before we get into the shit, try to keep a lid on any important stuff. You never know who's listening.

DAVE: I thought Hal handled all that stuff.

DIRK: Something tells me Hal isn't listening right now.

DAVE: Did you do something to him?

DIRK: Not exactly.

DAVE: That wasn't a 'not exactly' kind of question.

DIRK: I told him to go away. So he'll probably be huffy about it for a while.

DAVE: You know that...

DIRK: What?

DAVE: Nevermind.

[Silence for 01:19:29]

DIRK: What are you thinking about.

DAVE: Honestly?
DAVE: I always knew Bro would kill me.

DIRK: I'm not...Bro.

DAVE: You could be.
DAVE: Your face.


DAVE: The shades. The hair.
DAVE: I swear it's like you're twins.
DAVE: The homicidal tendencies are just the cherry on top of the cake.

DIRK: I...
DIRK: I didn't want to kill you.

DAVE: So you did do it.

DIRK: Now hold on a second-

DAVE: You did.
DAVE: You killed me.
DAVE: And now you're admiting it over an hour after the fact!
DAVE: You couldn't even own up to it when I asked. I had to get that information from Hal and it wasn't even right.

DIRK: I didn't know it would kill you.

DAVE: That's not an excuse.

DIRK: It's the truth!
DIRK: God damnit Dave, you think I wanted to see you dead in a pool of your own blood?
DIRK: Because I can tell you for a fact that is the one thing that terrifies me most in this world. I can't- not you, or Rose, or god forbid Roxy, that's.
DIRK: That's the one thing that keeps me up at night. Longer than anything else anyways.

DAVE: Yeah, well. Live with it.


DAVE: Just keep driving, bro.

Audio Transcript Recorded: Conversation Between 01.07, 05.09, 06.12, 04.01, 07.05 & 03.11 at 21:11:03 on 09/16/2019
Taken from ComfortInn#413 by Bianca V. Mihalovich AID<94720.10>


ROXY: Oh ehm gee! There's so many blankets at the foot of that bed!

JOHN: Come feel 'em! They're all ribbed!

ROSE: Quilted, John, please. Don't be so vulgar.

JOHN: What, ribbed?

ROXY: For YOUR pleasure!

JOHN: OH! Uh...

JANE: Settle down you two, can't have my little baby brother getting too hot under the collar.
JANE: He's just a child, afterall.

JOHN: Ughhhh.

ROSE: Of course, of course. My dearest apologies, little John.

ROXY: Ooh! That's a cute nickname lets keep it.

JOHN: One day I'll be taller than all of you and then I'll put everything you need on the toppest of top shelves!

ROXY: You got it little John!


JANE: Anyways, we should probably get to that plan we discussed, hmm?
JANE: I know we're missing half the team but I figure Jade and Jake can catch up quickly enough.

ROSE: A fair assumption.

ROXY: We're raiding this place ON the 20th, right?

JANE: Yes, absolutely.

JOHN: Uh wait, isn't that when they're expecting us?

ROSE: They're expecting a joke, not an actual team of highly trained teens busting down their front door. Though, knowing you I'm sure it'll be funny regardless.

JOHN: What's that supposed to mean?

ROSE: It means you're funny.
ROSE: What else would it mean?

JOHN: I dunno, you just had this look on your face that screamed: "hey lookit me I'm SCHEMIN here!!!"

ROSE: That's just my face.

ROXY: Jeez, John, way to out a lady on her schemes.

JANE: If we can focus?

ROXY: Op- sorry, yeah.

JOHN: I'm not sorry.

ROSE: I'm indifferent.

AUDIO: *a heavy feminine sigh*

JANE: Date aside, how do we plan on getting in?

ROXY: Hold on a sec, I nabbed some blueprints, lemme just...

AUDIO: *keys clacking, very quickly*

ROXY: Okay here, this is what we're dealing with.
ROXY: Go ahead and gasp, I know it's preeetty big.

AUDIO: *one gasp is heard*

JOHN: Wow okay I see how it is.

JANE: Hush.
JANE: So I say we go in through here.

ROXY: That's a window.

ROSE: It could still work.
ROSE: How big is the window?

ROXY: Ehum...
ROXY: If one pixel is...then...
ROXY: Maybe like four feet wide?
ROXY: I dunno how tall though 'cause that's not in the specs so it's probably impossible. Like good idea but also it could be shit.

JANE: Oh, rats.

ROSE: I think we should still go with that one.

JOHN: Why?

ROSE: Just a feeling I have.

ROXY: Okay, I guess we can base our plans off of this window but we should have a backup.
ROXY: Y'know, just in case.

ROSE: Naturally. We should wait for our resident "Just In Case" guy for that though.

JOHN: Who?

JANE: Dirk.

JOHN: Gotcha!

ROXY: Okay so we're in. Just assume the Hax Group has already done their thing.

JANE: So that's you and Dirk, right?

ROXY: And Hal.

JANE: Ah, yes, Hal.
JANE: From there we should move to the medical wing, that's where most of the aliens are right? That's what the report said.

ROXY: There's at the very, VERY, least three there.

ROSE: So we take the injured, then we split. Heavy hitters should move deeper to the cell block and find anyone they can while the less deadly should take the injured out of there as fast as possible.
ROSE: For the scouting, I recommend myself, Jade, Dave, Roxy, and Jake. John, Jane, and Dirk can escort the injured.
ROSE: Do either of you know basic first aid?

JANE: I actually took an internship in an ambulance two summers ago! I am very good at first aid.

JOHN: I can do the simple stuff and my gym teacher got us all CPR certified so I can do that.

ROSE: Wonderful, and Dirk will act as your muscle-y escort.

ROXY: Oh ho ho!
ROXY: Remind me to photoshop his head on buff body guards later.

ROSE: How much later?

ROXY: After all...this stuff settles later.

ROSE: I'll remind you after everything then.

JANE: So we have our basic action plan.
JANE: I don't think I should really have to say this but I'm going to anyways.
JANE: No one is aiming to kill unless it's 100% necessary!
JANE: I really don't want to deal with anymore sudden corpse parties! One was plenty!

JOHN: Was it even really a party?
JOHN: Like yeah, okay, we played cards against humanity, but does that make it a party?

ROSE: Oh, absolutely.
ROSE: Haven't you heard?

JOHN: Okay well-

AUDIO: *three rapid knocks on wood, likely a door*

JOHN: Jade!

ROXY: Jake!

AUDIO: *door swinging open, accompanied by many shouts of excitement*

JADE: Hey guys!

JAKE: Howdy-hey fellas! And lady-fellas!

ROXY: Howdy!

JOHN: Welcome welcome!

ROSE: Please do come in, we were just discussing our plan of attack.

ROXY: FYI, your room is number 211 next door.

JADE: Oh! Thanks, I'm just gonna-

AUDIO: *loud thump sound, likely luggage on the floor*

JADE: There we go! Thanks shoulders, gosh that was heavy.

ROSE: My, my, what did you pack?

JADE: Oh, y'know! Just a few rifles, several ammunition rounds, extra clothes, one or two hair pin grenades, uh-

JAKE: Don't forget the pool floaties!

JADE: Oh! Yeah, thanks! We got some super cute pool floaties for the pool! They're huge! And super fun.

JANE: Oh. My.

ROXY: Hell yeah! Up top, Jade!

AUDIO: *skin slap, likely a high five*

JOHN: Is that your raid gear?

JADE: Goodness no! Jake packed that, I just got the basics.

JAKE: Would you like to hear about our raid gear?

JOHN: I think I'm good?

ROSE: I would be delighted to hear all about it.
ROSE: After, of course, we get settled in and finally catch up.
ROSE: We're only around each other once.

ROXY: Fuckin' perfect. Oh- wait Dave and Dirk aren't here yet.

ROSE: Still, we have four whole days to get ready and fully get on the same page before we start to raid.
ROSE: I'm sure they'll join us soon.

JADE: Can we swim tonight?

JOHN: I vote yes!

JANE: What are the pool hours?

JAKE: Aw, who gives a hoot! Let's go!

ROXY: Let's get wild!

Excerpt from For the Dancing and the Dreaming by John Powell

To love, to kiss, to sweetly hold
For the dancing and the dreaming
Through all life's sorrows and delights
I'll keep your laugh inside me
I'll swim and sail on savage seas
With ne'er a fear of drowning
And gladly ride the waves of life
If you will marry me

DIRK: We're here.

DOC: Welcome back.
DOC: They're all waiting for you.
DOC: Or, rather, they're waiting to stop enjoying themselves.

DAVE: Cool.

DOC: Surely you can see the shadows in the pool area?
DOC: They do look mighty happy without you.
DOC: What a waste to ruin their joy.
DOC: You should just call it a night.

DIRK: You tired?

DAVE: Kinda.

DIRK: Then let's tuck in early.

DAVE: Sounds like a plan.

DOC: Very, very good, little one.
DOC: Keep it up, would you?

Our friends have all but left us
They departed many years ago
And they won’t come back
They won’t come back no more

We’re hungover in the city of dust
Let our hearts run round in circles
While we fall apart
We’re hungover in the city of dust
Let our minds run round in circles
While we figure it all out
(Hungover in the City of Dust by Autoheart)

Chapter Text

White Lilacs by Irene Gogerty April 26th, 1968

It rained the day you planted the lilacs.
Not the usual cold rain at all,
More like the soft grey kind,
That often comes in fall.

Shimmering curtains of mist, it fell,
Like tears from the lowering sky.
We were mourning your dead Mother
Heavy hearted, you and I.

"We'll remember her always, with lilacs,"
I said as the last spear was in place.
"When they bloom it will be a memorial,
In white lilacs we'll see her face."

You smiled. Your own grief was enormous,
"Sometime you may understand,"
Were the words that you whispered as
Blindly you reached for my hand.

Years later the lilacs are blooming,
Sweetening the rain washed air.
Weeping, I touch those laden branches,
It is you, I see, standing there.
You're right in the middle of arguing with your sister when a sound like a grand clock's bell rings through the air. It's accompanied by a heavy vinyl scratch, needle on a disc.

DAVE: oh my god

He looks up at you and his shades are gone, you don't know why. He looks weird without them. Like really weird. But not that weird? It's weird. Heh. Is that a tan line? What's also kind of weird is that red outfit, it picks at your brain just like Jane's and Dirk's do but his is different. More personal somehow.

He lurches towards you and grabs your shoulders, he seems desperate and considering what you're here to do you can't really blame him.

DAVE: leave them
DAVE: leave the trolls
DAVE: you gotta get out of here man
DAVE: like right now

He turns to your sister and his brother, just as desperate.

DAVE: you too.
DAVE: i cant get into the shit right now but its big, man
DAVE: its so big i cant even think up some thing to base how big this big is
DAVE: like the ACT big

That's big. You think.

DAVE: youre going to die
DAVE: or like almost die i'm not 100% but dude
DAVE: you gotta get out of here
DAVE: right now
DAVE: some high up dickheads made the mistake of labeling you as unimportant
DAVE: but you're very much not
DAVE: like wow
DAVE: you could have your own anime harem you're so important
DAVE: but seriously
DAVE: you cannot die
DAVE: you will not die

Your name is JOHN EGBERT. You might just be the main character.

ROSE: Let me get this straight.
ROSE: You brought how many sticks of dynamite?

JADE: uhhh!
JADE: y'know...normal amounts...
JADE: ...
JADE: 27...

Rose doesn't say anything, just raises her perfectly manicured eyebrows filled in a bit too dark to be believable with her bleached hair. You never really got why people didn't dye their eyebrows too if they were going to dye their hair.

JADE: 27 and another 53?

ROSE: So seventy sticks of dynamite?

JADE: yeah...?

JOHN: how
JOHN: how did you even get through security at the airport???

JADE: uhhhhhhh!

DAVE: did jake do the thing
DAVE: did he
DAVE: its okay you can say it jade im not gonna judge your brother
DAVE: id just be super impressed if he did the thing
DAVE: it would be super movie star of him

JADE: the thing?

ROSE: He's asking about the prowess of Jake's anal cavity.


JOHN: oh my god rose you dont just SAY that!!!!!!!


DAVE: see jade
DAVE: this is kind of a movie trope
DAVE: or like a cultural thing
DAVE: usually
DAVE: to smuggle drugs or diamonds or something across places people would eat the bag or just shove it waaaaaay up their butts
DAVE: the joke is-

JADE: AND HE DID NOT!!!!!!!!!!!!

Jade's glasses shimmer in a sudden green light, it's only there for an instant and you have no idea if you were imagining things or not. Maybe she just got really passionate. Whenever you would sneakily read Jane's trash novels from over her shoulder eyes tended to "flash" in various ways in a big emotional moment.

It's kinda funny though! That her eyes would flash with some strong emotion (probably rage) after hearing about the potential super store of dynamite lodged up her brother's ass. To be fair, you would also get kinda mad if someone said that about Jane.

JOHN: maybe we should ask him?

You can't help the suggestion. And Jade's face! Her eyebrows are pulled so far down over her eyes, and her jaw is practically on the floor!


JOHN: yeah we are!
JOHN: im going to pester jane and shell give us all the answers about jakes uhh

DAVE: special cargo?

JOHN: yeah!

ROSE: She won't be able to ask that question, you know. She'll think you're talking about his dick.

DAVE: so we add context

ROSE: You're going to get information on Jake's dick, I'm telling you this as a fact.
ROSE: Can you boys handle that?
ROSE: Are you in the realm of healthy emotional stability to be able to accept that information into your soul?
ROSE: I don't think you're ready.

JOHN: what about jade!

JADE: listen...
JADE: ive seen things...
JADE: you really cant tell me anything i dont already know

DAVE: holy shit
DAVE: jade what

JADE: he leaves the bathroom door open!! its not MY fault!!!!!!!

ROSE: Well boys? Can you handle Jake's penis?

DAVE: rose please
DAVE: give egbert a little credit

JOHN: wh-
JOHN: hey!!
JOHN: you arent exactly the dick master yourself dave!

His expression doesn't really change, but the edges of his mouth turn in ever so slightly. You think he's pouting?

DAVE: literally how dare you
DAVE: how
DAVE: dare
DAVE: you
DAVE: im actually offended

JOHN: offend your mouth shut! im messaging jane

The conversation carries on without you as you pull your phone out. The scratchy hotel floor makes it feel like a rash is forming on the back of your hand as you pull your phone out of your back pocket. Man, if only there was a better way to store your shit. Ugh. Ess. Ehm. Aich.

--ectoBiologist [EB] started pestering gustyGumshoe [GG] at 9:42:05 on 17/09/2019--

EB: hey jane!
EB: ive got a very important question for you!
EB: well really for jake but im messaging you so its a question for you to question jake!

GG: Oh? I'm intrigued.

EB: he he he he
EB: jade told us that they brought 70 sticks of dynamite with them for the raid


EB: i know right?
EB: so anyways
EB: how did they get past american border control?
EB: was it all up jakes ass?

GG: What the FUCK kind of question is that?

EB: an important one?

GG: I'm not asking that!

EB: please???????
EB: itll help all the poor children cope with this illegal thing we're doing soon! were so distraught!
EB: it would be such a good big sister thing of you to do

GG: Don't try to pull a Rose on me!
GG: That's way too much pal!

EB: nuts
EB: do it for dad?

GG: John, please, I'm not asking about Jake's ass.
GG: Especially not for dad.

EB: what if this could be like team bonding!

GG: I'm not doing it!

EB: roxy would do it

GG: And?

EB: and nothing
EB: roxy would ask the question because shes a nice older sister!

GG: Good Lord above!
GG: Roxy is a terrific sibling, I agree, but using them to try and make me jealous won't work!

EB: what about dirk? he would ask too

GG: Dirk has never known shame.

EB: then i'll just ask jake myself!

GG: NO!!!!!!!!

EB: why not?

GG: Because no! Obey your elders!

EB: you can get out of telling me if you ask jake the question

GG: That's not a fair deal and you know it.

EB: take it or leave it!

GG: Fine! Fine! I'll ask your stupid question!

EB: nice!!
EB: thanks jane!!!!!

--ectoBiologist [EB] is now an idle chum!--

JOHN: okay ive asked!
JOHN: and now we wait




















JANE: Uhhh. Hmm. How do I put this.

ROXY: u ok there janey?
ROXY: you look so fn red
ROXY: like im scared how red u are

JANE: Yes! Well! It seems our younger siblings have gotten to chatting.
JANE: And they would like to ask a question of Jake!

DIRK: What's so weird about that?

JANE: You see!
JANE: Jade told them that they both brought 70 sticks of dynamite with them for the raid!

ROXY: no way

JAKE: Way! It was quite bothersome maneuvering all that but by jove we got it done!

DIRK: Wait. I think I know where this is going.

ROXY: uh oh thats the dirty smirk

JANE: So our little siblings were just wondering...if you, Jake, carried the dynamite in your...

JAKE: Bag?

JANE: No, no-

JAKE: Suitcase?

JANE: No, no that's-

JAKE: Luggage?

JANE: I don't need-

JAKE: Carry-on?


JAKE: Uh...


JAKE: I mean uh! Of course not? Why? Why is that even a question?

DIRK: Guess they wanted to know how much you can take.

JANE: I'm dead! I'm dying! That's it!

JAKE: Oh please dirk we both know thats not how any of that went!
JAKE: Id say its more what i can dish out!

ROXY: DIRK????????????????

DIRK: No comment.



JAKE: Heh heh!
JAKE: I dont think i measure up to dynamite! Thats 20 cm you know!

DIRK: Well...

JAKE: What?

DIRK: Nothing. Just that you shouldn't underestimate yourself.



Excerpt from Disappointments of the Apocalypse by Mary Karr

Once warring factions agreed upon the date
and final form the apocalypse would take,
and whether dogs and cats and certain trees
deserved to sail, and if the dead would come or be left
a forwarding address, then opposing soldiers
met on ravaged plains to shake hands
and postulate the exact shade
of the astral self—some said lavender,
others gray. And physicists rocketed
copies of the decree to paradise
in case God had anything to say,
the silence that followed being taken
for consent, and so citizens
readied for celestial ascent.
Breakfast that morning was a quiet affair. You felt all tense and nervous, your stomach twisting this way and that despite your best efforts to steel your nerves.

You loaded up the main car, a weary jeep, with weapons and then yourselves. What didn't fit was being ferried around by Jade who had awakened some kind of magic teleport thing? You still don't quite get it but she doesn't seem tired by all the trips so?

You'll take it because hey, magic is fucking real!

You're not sure why Jade got it since she's so scienc-ey but whatever! She's your cousin and you respect her for being magical.

Secretly you hope that you are also magical.

JOHN: hey rose

She looks up from where she's knitting an emerald green scarf, very off-brand for her, and fixes you with a Look.

ROSE: Yes?

JOHN: do you think i can be magic too?
JOHN: like jade?

ROSE: I don't know why you're worried about it but, yes, you can be I think.
ROSE: If anyone were magic, John, I think it would be you.

You smile at that and relax back into the car seat. Jane and Roxy are arguing over which raid music to blast on the drive. Dave has his headphones on and Dirk is refueling the car. Jake is behind the steering wheel, looking far too excited for a simple drive out into the desert.

You let yourself sink back into the moment, unfurling as the car kicks to life. The windows get pulled down and the wind tugs nicely at your hair.

Man, you think, if only we weren't going off to raid a place. Then maybe we could just spend hours like this. Driving around, doing nothing, just existing.

You think that would be so pleasant. A vacation by all standards. You wouldn't mind if the entire world fell away and left only you in this car, in this moment, forever.

Apparently you drifted off because Rose is nudging you back into consciousness. You blink awake slowly, your eyes are drawn to the base at least a mile or two off. The fence a dark wavering shape in the distance as the sun bakes searing heat into the sand.

Your breath catches in your throat and she gives you another look, this one less pointed, more concerned.

JOHN: im good!
JOHN: just kinda tired
JOHN: is jade like?
JOHN: around?

JADE: im right here!

You nearly jump out of your skin, she's standing outside the car. Her elbows are propped on the rolled down window and she's grinning with really sharp teeth. That's're still not too surprised? Like you absolutely should be but hey she's magic so she can do what she wants.

JOHN: way to give a guy a heart attack!

JADE: yeah yeah!
JADE: get out already!! we got some work to do!!!

You get out of the car and head around to the trunk where everyone else is gathered. They're pulling on their weapons and bits of slapped together armor.

Roxy has a pot as a helmet and some kind of cheese grater as a chest-plate. Also a giant sniper rifle. Wow.

That's kinda hot.

Rose is wearing that green scarf and has taken no further precautions. She has her knitting needles out, she claims they're made out of bone but you don't believe her. She's currently chatting with her brother who is also only carrying a weapon with no armor.

Dirk is also carrying a sword but he's put on a whole new...outfit. Tank top, gloves, and a weird mask. Kinda flamey vibes mixed with a gas mask. Plus the ridiculous shades. You take a moment to stare at him with a mix of why and also WHY???

Jane has a medkit but she pushes a sledgehammer into your hands. Good lord it's heavy! You struggle with the heft for a minute before you sling it over your shoulder. Jane is wearing a fedora and you decide to copy her. You both don you Disguises complete with mustaches and take a minute to appreciate the joke.

Jake and Jade look a lot more serious in comparison. Jake has that Lara Croft thing going on but is matching his tank top-gas mask outfit with Dirk. You're not sure why a tank-top needs a bow tie but Jake's the one with clips all along his belt and dynamite strapped over his chest.

Jade is also tricked out with explosives. She's got more shells for her gun than dynamite but she makes up for it with an extra belt of grenades and some small square-ish packages.

All in all you guys look ready for a Raid.

ROXY: ok team!
ROXY: we all got the plan right?

JANE: Medical team is ready!

DAVE: offense team also ready

JADE: demo team ready!!

ROXY: hella
ROXY: dirk u got the thing up n running?

DIRK: Yup. We just need to get closer and it'll kick in.

ROXY: kk cool
ROXY: remember
ROXY: theres still a shit ton of desert once we get over the fence. so drink your water but dont chug it
ROXY: capiche?

JOHN: roger!

ROSE: Capiche.


JADE: got it!

DAVE: capoosh

JANE: Aye-aye.

JAKE: Over and out!

ROXY: nice
ROXY: lets go then!
ROXY: we got some fine aliens to rescue

Roxy gives a wink, the closest you've ever seen a human being to making this face: >;3

You're impressed.

Your group nods as one, grins all around, and you set off from your jeep towards the fence. During the journey you decide to strike up a conversation with your best bro.

JOHN: hey!
JOHN: didnt get a chance to talk to you yet today
JOHN: you ready to find your alien bride?

DAVE: hell fucking yes i am
DAVE: i was born ready
DAVE: i popped out of probably roses mom(?)
DAVE: still unsure about all that
DAVE: but still im poppin out of places
DAVE: tiny little baby fists already clutched around a diamond ring
DAVE: the hot nurse is so shocked
DAVE: will smith walks in
DAVE: hes wearing a suit looking crisp as fuck
DAVE: hes got some wrinkly white guy with him
DAVE: they take aim at the busty nurse and tell the alien to freeze
DAVE: "oh shit" says the alien nurse
DAVE: still flustered as fuck over my flirtin skills
DAVE: i say "goo"
DAVE: suddenly will smith understands
DAVE: he still shoots my alien fiance though
DAVE: but he leaves me my memories because hes a fucking real one
DAVE: and so all my life ive been ready to find a new waifu
DAVE: after my first fiance got exploded by will smith i would be absolutely crushed to find him working at area 51
DAVE: well get in there and hell just be lounging there
DAVE: ill be all
DAVE: what the fuck man
DAVE: arent you supposed to be in jersey?
DAVE: and then will smith will smirk and stand up properly
DAVE: facing me down just like the day i was born at that hospital
DAVE: and hell tell me that hes ready to finish what he started
DAVE: but this time
DAVE: i say that im ready too
DAVE: will smith wasnt expecting that
DAVE: we battle it out
DAVE: shit goes flying
DAVE: blood gets spat so poetically
DAVE: youre in the background laying down a sick beat on the piano while jade and rose add their strings to the mix
DAVE: dirk is on the wheels of steel
DAVE: its epic
DAVE: roxy is probably duetting with jane
DAVE: jake is setting off perfectly timed explosions to help make me look even more badass because hes secretly super into arson
DAVE: like i cant blame him
DAVE: but also
DAVE: dude...
DAVE: will smith is overwhelmed
DAVE: i finally beat him after a long battle
DAVE: he admits that he hasnt harmed my alien wife
DAVE: i thank him
DAVE: he dies in my arms and i fucking weep over his dead body
DAVE: not for very long though because i got a wife to woo
DAVE: i find her in a dark room
DAVE: and shes scared
DAVE: but she sees me
DAVE: and she fucking lights up
DAVE: she says something in alien and then ive got an arm full of wife
DAVE: the hug ignites something in me i thought id forgotten
DAVE: i relearn my actual history
DAVE: and i understand her perfectly
DAVE: the scene cuts out after we lean in to share a passionate kiss
DAVE: im dipping the shit out of my alien wife
DAVE: the end

JOHN: uh wow
JOHN: are you trying to tell me something man?

DAVE: nah

JOHN: you sure?
JOHN: cause that was a lot
JOHN: like a lot a lot
JOHN: so much more lot than usual

DAVE: yeah im good dude
DAVE: just excited to get my alien wife you know how it is

JOHN: i just hope i can find like a human-y alien!
JOHN: with a super gnarly smile who has like kinda short black hair all spiky and is super mischievous!

DAVE: so loki

JOHN: no!!
JOHN: well yeah but no!
JOHN: loki is bro material not wife material

DAVE: amen to that

DIRK: We're here.

You look up and see that yeah, you are here. Not at the base yet, but at the fence.

Jake produces wire cutters from...somewhere? Where was he hiding that in his outfit? Pockets cant be that deep can they? No way...

Anyways he cuts the fence and you all take turns slipping through.

Now that you're inside the fence the whole group is silent. Which is a bummer! You kinda wanted to see if Dave would have a sequel to that alien wife movie MIB thing he was just spouting on about. He'd be a great movie director you decide.

Roxy leads you all to the window you'll be using as an entrance/exit. They get hoisted up by Jane, and they take aim at the lock keeping the window closed tight.

ROXY: vibe check

Their gun blasts the lock clean off and the window rattles in its frame. They push it open and easily crawl inside. A few shuffling noises later and then their hands are appearing up in the frame. You each go one by one getting hoisted up by Jane and then pulled in by Roxy. At the very end Jane jumps and Roxy catches her hands and pulls her in too.

And now you're inside Area 51.

What the fuck, right?
Excerpt from "Too Late for a Savior" by Aviators

Never too late for secrets
Never too late to hide
Build the barriers up
Let no one else inside
Heroes can't save the future
And no one can change the past
You'd need the hands of a god
Just to make this city last

Give the ending just a little flavor
If you're seeing ghosts they'll face the same
'Cause you're never going to be the savior
But a leader keeps the monsters sane
Lift the burdens of the weak away now
Let the many become the few
'Cause it's never too late for mercy
To let the red tides rise to you

GAMZEE: hElLo LiTtLe MoRtAl MiNe
GAMZEE: LoOkInG fOr AnSwErS yOu WoNt LiKe AgAiN?

BIANCA: Maybe.
BIANCA: The humans are coming here to retrieve you in three days time.
BIANCA: I was wondering if you could elaborate on the people you knew. Give us some sort of edge. Your friends aren't exactly helpful.

GAMZEE: aNd WhY sHoUlD tHeY bE?
GAMZEE: lAsT i ChEcKeD cHiCa YoUr KiNd AiNt BeEn NoThIn BuT tRoUbLe
GAMZEE: TaKiN tAvBrOs LeGs, GeTtIn KaRbRo So WoRkEd Up, LeTtIn TeReCiTaS sHaRp WiCkEd PaN rOt WiTh BoReDoM
GAMZEE: aInT bEeN tOo KiNd OuGhT tHoSe GiVeN a SeCoNd ChAnCe

BIANCA: No, I suppose in that regard we haven't. But you have also been quite troublesome. Killing a good handful of our employees. That's not very kind of you.

GAMZEE: hA hA hA hA hA hA hA
GAMZEE: yeah but you sure have tried to keep me down real hard haven't you?

BIANCA: Of course. I quite enjoy being alive.

GAMZEE: JuSt PoInTiNg OuT a ChUcKlE lOcKeD iN yOuR lOgIc

BIANCA: This is hardly the time for jokes.

GAMZEE: one who ain't the funniest motherfucker for miles

BIANCA: If you must.

GAMZEE: how many bones does it take to pierce a pan and pull it apart?

BIANCA: I don't know.



ROXY: ok
ROXY: before we split all kinds of ways remember our rules
ROXY: were in n out in 20 mins no more
ROXY: leave the aliens if u gotta
ROXY: avoid getting shot
ROXY: avoid unnecessary property damage pls

They turn a stern stare over at Jade.

ROXY: and no magic against the guards

Jade wilts under the scrutiny. Or maybe the rule. Honestly it could be both. You aren't the emotional magic counsellor. Magic emotions counsellor? Emotions from magic counsellor? Whatever. Point is, you don't have all the answers when it comes to how other people feel.

The group is giving their nods and affirmatives, and now it's time to split up.

Dirk wanders over to you and your sister, typing away at his phone absently. You're pretty sure he's taking care of security? He seems a lot calmer than he was like five days ago with that whole body incident. Which is weird.

For a couple reasons.

But mainly you're pretty sure Dave was pissed at him? What happened there?

JANE: Let's get a move on, the medical wing is down this way.

Jane is leading your little expedition, and it's otherwise silent so you decide to act on your inner dialogue.

JOHN: so hey uh
JOHN: why are you so chill?

DIRK: What?

JOHN: i mean
JOHN: you seemed really chilly and cold shoulder-y for a good while and then you just stopped? what happened with all

You vaguely wave your hand in a circle to encompass all of Dirk's Dirkness.

JOHN: that

DIRK: That's not really. Important.
DIRK: Right now.
DIRK: I'd be glad to hash all that shit out twice but not right this second, we're kind of in the middle of a very dangerous raid on a government facility if you hadn't noticed.

JOHN: well duh i noticed

Jane and Dirk both shush you violently, you very much do not care how loud you were because there's no one in this base!

DIRK: Are you actively trying to get us noticed?

JOHN: no
JOHN: kinda hard to do that when theres no one around to notice us!
JOHN: weve been walking down these halls for like two minutes?

JANE: And?

JOHN: and this is area fucking 51!!
JOHN: of all the places to be crawling with guards itd be here right?
JOHN: so wheres the enemy? wheres the fight?
JOHN: its just blank cement walkways for miles probably!
JOHN: so i feel justified asking about personal shit!

Dirk has gone very quiet, tapping away at his phone again.

DIRK: Hmm.
DIRK: This is weird.

Jane doesn't stop leading you both down to the medical wing and Dirk doesn't stop typing away at his phone. You pretend to stop to spy around some corners to sneak a peek over his shoulder.

TT: Yeah, so what are we going to do about it?

TG: thank our lucky stars??
TG: theyre probs all outside holding off the like thirty ppl that showed up

TT: You'd think they'd leave some people around to watch the aliens though.

TG: dirk this is the us of mf a
TG: were so confident ab our guns we aint need guards on the inside
TG: he he
TG: or do we?

TT: Something doesn't add up.

TG: focus on helpin jane for now
TG: we can do some epic math later

DIRK: Are you done reading over my shoulder now?

You just sigh and slink back in front of Dirk. Damn. You thought that would last a bit longer. You keep to your line, sneaking from place throughout a maze of halls. Finally Jane sees something she likes and hurries to a large door.

She hefts it once, twice, before it opens with a creak. She uses a wooden spoon to prop it open and quickly ushers you and Dirk inside.

Once you're in you take a moment to observe the medical wing. It's cement walls and floor like the rest of the base, but several counters, metal beds, and curtained off sections towards the back. There's a sink with a light hanging over it, medical utensils soaking in bubbly water. Wax paper is crinkled on all but one of the beds, a stethoscope laying in a heap on the floor.

Dirk shifts his katana forward, stepping in front of both you and Jane as he approaches the curtains. He pulls them back quickly, almost too quick to see, and he reveals several upward pod looking machines. Four grey shapes are resting in them.

Something clicks behind your eyelids. They look so familiar. You can't help but get closer.

DIRK: Hey, HEY-!

Dirk grabs you by your arm, yanking you away from the pods. He's about to start chewing you out when Jane splays her palm against the glass of one of the pods.

Something indescribable in the room shifts.

It feels like the Universe or Reality or something is tilting and flipping and then it clicks right back into place.

When you register sight again, you see Jane. But not. She looks younger, maybe by a year or two. Most drastically, though, is her new tan outfit. It makes your brain hurt and throb as you look at it. You don't want to keep looking.

The pod she had her hand against is now empty. If you strain your ears hard enough you can just barely hear a whisper of a voice.

FEFERI: fin-ally...!

She sounded so tired, and so sad. You listen to her soft breathing as it gets fainter and fainter until you can't hear anything anymore.

JOHN: what
JOHN: what was that

JANE: I...
JANE: I think...
JANE: I let her go.


Be someone else.

What? how do you do that?

I don't know, you it.

That's not very helpful. But you'll give it your best!

Your name is JOHN EGBE-

NO!!! We've been with John for 5,000 words! Be someone Else!

You are now JAKE ENGLISH! And you are right smack dab in the middle of an intense shootout! Bullets are whizzing by and Jade is chucking grenades just like you taught her and yes, okay, maybe you're misting up a little at that but that's just because you're so PROUD!

Roxy rolls past your hiding spot and props their gun on the box that's currently shielding you from the brunt of the shots.

They send a large blast off before hunkering down next to you.

JAKE: OH! I cant believe i didnt notice this before but...
JAKE: Per chance is that a winchester wildcat .22 lr?

ROXY: yea it is!
ROXY: shes a new baby but i like the handle
ROXY: makes me feel straight outta tron

JAKE: The winchester models have always been a favourite of mine!
JAKE: I cant believe you had one and didnt tell me about it!

ROXY: sorry man i didnt know you followed that model

JAKE: Of course!
JAKE: Supernatural wont fund itself

ROXY: wait wut
ROXY: do u
ROXY: oh mgosh
ROXY: the winchester models dont give money to the supernatural tv show

JAKE: Are you sure?
JAKE: If i owned a gun company i would definitely fund people with my namesake!

ROXY: im p sure yea

JAKE: Oh blast
JAKE: Well alrighty then ill flush that one down the drain too
JAKE: Hows our feisty lass holding?

ROXY: ughh
ROXY: too well
ROXY: i cant believe shes the only soldier guarding this area
ROXY: whys she gotta be the mini boss??

JAKE: To make finding the aliens that much sweater of a reward?

ROXY: i gueeeesssss
ROXY: oop- times up
ROXY: take cover!

You throw your weight to one side, crashing to the ground. Roxy is up at their mounted rifle again.

You push the barrel of your gun around the crate, taking two shots while Roxy lays down their deadly cover fire.

The woman you're fighting, a girl with very pale hair, takes a graze to the side, her whole body jerks as she crashes down to one knee.


Rose and Dave swarm the woman, pinning her down while Jade acts as their incentive not to move.

Roxy slowly stands up, offering their hand to help hoist you to your feet. You both take your time walking over, kicking shells and debris from the fight out of your path.

ROSE: What business do you have in this section of the base?

???: I could as you the same.

ROXY: were here for the aliens ur hurting

???: I have no idea what-

JADE: cut the crap!
JADE: weve seen your files
JADE: we know theyre in there

???: ...

DAVE: we dont really need anything from her right?
DAVE: lets just leave her and move on

ROXY: she might have a key card we need tho

JAKE: Well, lass?
JAKE: Got any key of any sort on you?

???: No.
???: Just the passwords stored in long term memory.

Rose makes a very angry face, Roxy copies her and you have a feeling you're supposed to be righteously put off by this information!

JADE: oh yeah?? how strong are your doors???

Gasp! You think you know where she's going with this!

???: Strong enough to handle that C-4 on your belt.

JADE: mmmmhmmm! ok!

JAKE: How about your walls?

???: What?

JAKE: Your walls!

JADE: arent they just concrete?

The lady's face pales and you can't help the hearty guffaw that spills straight from your chest. You offer up your hand and Jade readily slaps it.

ROSE: The invincible door fallacy!
ROSE: I can't believe I forgot about it.

DAVE: im sorry the what

JAKE: The invincible door fallacy!
JAKE: You can have the strongest door in the world but...

JADE: the walls around it have to be weak to hold all the stuff youre putting around the door! all those circuits for the passkeys and moving parts...not a whole lot of space left for solid wall!

DAVE: holy shit
DAVE: spy movies are so dumb
DAVE: oh my god
DAVE: im fuckin losin it
DAVE: are you serious

JAKE: Deathly!
JAKE: You got the rope?

JADE: right here!!

Your sister tosses you the rope, still holding one end. You tie up your pesky little agent friend like a may pole! She seems very annoyed by all this.

???: If I still had my ASPECT...

ROSE: Pardon, but what was that you just mumbled?

???: You don't know?

Rose just raises an eyebrow. You can hear the 'Obviously' deep in your bones.

???: Then you would do well to figure it out yourselves.

Roxy, seemingly having enough of all this cryptic bullshit, or maybe just the agent's bullshit, knocks the butt of their rifle against the back of the agent's head.

With that loose end tied up (literally!) you all make your way to the super unbreakable door and casually bust through the side. You make your own doors in a raid on Area 51!

You step through into a pretty standard cell block. There's barred off cells along two long walls, all cement and iron. It's straight out of a movie.

Suddenly, you become ROSE LALONDE.

A silly notion, you've been Rose all this time. A person can only stop existing as themselves under very specific medical circumstances and death. Which, you suppose, is also a very specific medical circumstance. 

You hear a faint feminine gasp and it makes something in your stomach flip. Your hand immediately goes up to your scarf, tugging it up over your mouth as you break away from the group.

Your older sibling, Roxy, is trying to corral you back to the group but you can't hear anything she's saying. Your footsteps are echoing loudly in your head as you approach one of the cells.

As you finally face it head on you see its contents and what little breath you still had rushed out of you all of a sudden.

Standing behind the bars is the most beautiful woman you've ever seen.

She's ethereal, tall with ashy skin and short smooth black hair that curls just so on her brow. Her lips are painted perfectly and two fangs poke out over them. She's dressed in a bright red skirt with a t-shirt tucked into it. A green symbol curves across her chest.

She's so familiar. And of course she is. Your mind had been telling you about her all day. That scarf wound around you neck is proof. You've been seeing her quietly in the background of your thoughts long.

What's her name? And why is is already etched so deeply into your heart?

You step closer, offering your hand out, pushing it just beyond the bars. Her own hand, cool to the touch, wraps nimbly around yours, fingers slotting together just so. You feel steady. As if up until now you were teetering over the stairs of your ignorance and here she is holding you sweetly from your fall down them.

You smile, a warm thing curling over your lips smoother than any smile that you've ever worn.

You know her.

How could you ever forget?

ROSE: Hello, Kanaya.


Her voice is so soft, and her eyes are even softer. You can see your reflection in the shiny sclera and you can tell you are the only thing she is looking at.

ROSE: We simply must get you out of here.

At that Kanaya chuckles, carefully pulling her hand from yours and oh, how selfish of you to miss it already.

KANAYA: Jade May Have Already Taken Over Much Of My Domain But I Still Have A Few Tricks Up My Sleeve.

She pushes back a few steps and folds her hands into a small cup. A swirling orb of black and white coalesces in her palms and she gently brushes it against the bars. They groan with effort to retain their shape while the orb forces them to accommodate a large circle.

It forces itself into existence and your love carefully slips out of her cell. She waited for you. She waited for you.

And here you are.

Neither of you are sure what to do next, but she quickly takes up the reigns and pulls you into her chest. Your hands search the expanse of her back and relish in the strange dips and curves that your fingers had memorized oh so long ago. Her chin is propped atop your head and her hands work across your neck.

How dare you forget this.

She gently pulls you away from her just to lean down. She's still holding you, carefully, like fine china. Without any words you know she's asking for your permission. You grin coyly at her. As if she need ask.

You pitch yourself up on your toes and press your lips together. It takes a moment to get situated. After all, you're not used to fangs again quite yet.

But you learn. You learn to cradle her cheeks in your hands and speak your love through the kiss locking you both together.

It's several moments before you finally break apart for real, though you make sure to keep your hands intertwined. When you see the faces of your family and friends you can't help the smirk that flicks itself onto your own personal visage.

Roxy is gaping like a fish, while Dave looks absolutely gobsmacked. By which you mean Roxy is clutching their hair in both hands and Dave's thick eyebrows have made a very prominent appearance above his shades. Jade looks positively ecstatic, jumping up and down and Jake has averted his eyes out of politeness.

ROSE: Now then, I feel I should introduce you to my girlfriend slash matesprite, Kanaya Maryam.


ROSE: Many, many years ago.
ROSE: Would you mind?

KANAYA: Not At All.

She strides forward, letting your hand go for a brief moment. She pauses in front of Jade, looking suddenly very unsure before she pats the energetic girl twice on the head. One bright green flash later and Kanaya is still standing, albeit next to a much older Jade with white dog ears and a lovely black dress.

JADE: oh!!
JADE: oh shit

ROSE: Oh shit indeed.
ROSE: It seems we need to reacquire what has be redistributed to our dearly departed friends.
ROSE: I'll start with...

You count the cells dramatically, taking your time to slowly point your finger to each and every one until you land on Her.

You make quick strides to her cell and reach in. She's splayed across the floor, snoring very loudly. You can just barely brush her ankle but that's all you need now.

Vriska goes rigid and you Know exactly why.

ROSE: Welcome to the waking world, Vriska. Jade, do you mind breaking our friends out of their cells?
ROSE: Dave, I'm sending you down to the next block, you'll find everything you need in there. Once you're done go meet up with John and get him out of here.
ROSE: Jake, Roxy, help any injured get to the exit.
ROSE: We need to leave.


JADE: dont worry! well explain everything as we go! cmon guys!!!!

You saunter back over to Kanaya, now your proper age of 16, you can reach much higher than you could at 14. It's not quite so awkward as you catch her hand in yours once more. You give a slight nod to your twin and he seems to catch on.

Ode to Aphrodite by Sappho

Aphrodite, subtle of soul and deathless,
Daughter of God, weaver of wiles, I pray thee
Neither with care, dread Mistress, nor with anguish,
Slay thou my spirit!

But in pity hasten, come now if ever
From afar of old when my voice implored thee,
Thou hast deigned to listen, leaving the golden
House of thy father

With thy chariot yoked; and with doves that drew thee,
Fair and fleet around the dark earth from heaven,
Dipping vibrant wings down he azure distance,
Through the mid-ether;

Very swift they came; and thou, gracious Vision,
Leaned with face that smiled in immortal beauty,
Leaned to me and asked, "What misfortune threatened?
Why I had called thee?"

"What my frenzied heart craved in utter yearning,
Whom its wild desire would persuade to passion?
What disdainful charms, madly worshipped, slight thee?
Who wrongs thee, Sappho?"

"She that fain would fly, she shall quickly follow,
She that now rejects, yet with gifts shall woo thee,
She that heeds thee not, soon shall love to madness,
Love thee, the loth one!"

Come to me now thus, Goddess, and release me
From distress and pain; and all my distracted
Heart would seek, do thou, once again fulfilling,
Still be my ally!

 Congrats. You're now DAVE STRIDER. You're currently playing through one of the weirdest fetch quests of your life. And you once had to fetch a breadstick from midair with nothing but your toes and a bag of doritos. That day was epic.

You're wandering through blank halls, searching for the next cell block. Your hands are fists in your pockets and your sword is tucked away in your belt. As you keep walking something starts gnawing at you.

It feels familiar. It's fear. A tight uncomfortable ball that stings like hunger at the base of your belly and inches its icy fingers so tightly around your insides that any jostle is sure to produce vomit. Something crackles in the back of your throat.

You push on.

You eventually make it to the next block. You're not really sure why you're going along with Rose's sudden new plan, but considering that she just made out with a giant alien and then aged two years into a bright yellow outfit has a way of convincing you to stash your questions. Seriously. Rose. In bright yellow.

Fuck, that's weird.

When you finally get to where you think you're supposed to be, you notice there's one of those gray aliens curled up in a cell. The other cell is stained with- yup okay you're not looking over there anymore.

DAVE: yo
DAVE: my dude
DAVE: my guy uh
DAVE: depressed alien in the corner

???: kucf fof

DAVE: hoooooooo i dont understand alien
DAVE: i shoulda known when rose started jabbering with her new girlfriend
DAVE: mate whatever the fuck
DAVE: i thought everyone else was on the same boat
DAVE: maybe she was just yankin my chain
DAVE: pretending to comprehend all that cricket noise shit
DAVE: hah hah
DAVE: oh wow im so unprepared for this

The alien fixes you with a strange look, before scoffing and throwing something very fast at your face. You jerk sideways-but the fucking blur of blue and red follows you-and you're just starting to panic when a clump of cloth smacks into you.

Your mind flashes brightly to Cal. But then it's flashing for a different reason. It must have happened for less than a second because you note that no time has passed since the cloth hit you. How are you so certain- oh wait.

You're older. And wearing a red tracksuit thing with a cape. It's your godly pajamas.

SOLLUX: youre 2o lucky ii 2aved aa2 old 2hiit

DAVE: oh shit sollux
DAVE: you look a lot less blind
DAVE: half blind

SOLLUX: yeah
SOLLUX: godhood tend2 two do that two people
SOLLUX: 2peakiin of...
SOLLUX: aa2 waiitiing for me
SOLLUX: eat a dick 2triider you ab2olute traiinwreck

You can't help your own fond grin.

DAVE: after you titanic man

SOLLUX: what2 that even 2upposed two mean

DAVE: nevermind
DAVE: go get aradia
DAVE: wait isnt she dead?

SOLLUX: when ii2nt 2he
SOLLUX: peace

He waves and suddenly he's surrounded by dark green and sprouting yellow wings. He seems satisfied as he blasts a hole in the wall of his cell, like your presence finally confirmed something for him. You vaguely wonder what it is before you realize you still haven't found either of your best friends.

You're fueled with a sudden urgency as you break into the next cell block. You wilt only a little when you notice only one person in there, just like last time.

DAVE: damn
DAVE: did she bail already?
DAVE: fucking tragic
DAVE: rip to terezi i guess
DAVE: i just came up with the perfect reunion joke too

The other person in a cell looks close to tears. Ah, shit, can't let that happen. One slash of your sword and you're in the cell too. Hell yes, bro, you're in this shit together. In it for the long haul.

DAVE: hey man
DAVE: this is a happy vibes only space
DAVE: take those sniffles and pack em up
DAVE: they havent paid their rent in months
DAVE: really youre running a charity at this point letting them stay this long
DAVE: the other tenants take one look and they all quietly want those tears fucking gone
DAVE: terrible neighbors
DAVE: if the tears are partying then the snot tries to one up it and now the line to the sinuses are clogged
DAVE: thanks a lot tears
DAVE: cutting off the air con for the entire fucking building
DAVE: what a dick move
DAVE: but damn if you aint the chillest landlord ever
DAVE: people magazine stops by because they have nothing better to do than interview the chillest fucking landlords ever
DAVE: they ask you how you do it
DAVE: putting up with those tears for so long
DAVE: and then you say-

He cuts you off with a hand to your shoulder.


DAVE: yeah?

He smiles and his sharp teeth are flashing in the dim ass light. You wonder how you would even go about maneuvering around all those teeth. But his lips are lopsided and he's still crying those bright pink tears, and he's kind of grimacing at the same time. He's such an ugly crier.


DAVE: okay

You let your mouth close and just pull that fucker into a hug. He's so warm, and perfect in your arms like this. You are tempted to let time screech to a halt, you're in control of all of it right now after all. But you don't. You don't want to cheat him out of this hug.

DAVE: i have to go get john
DAVE: dont i


You both know that's a lie.

DAVE: so we just gotta put a cap on his antics, no prob


He fishes your shades off your face and pops them onto his own. He shifts into his own Knight outfit. Which, wild. You've never seen that on an alive Karkat.


DAVE: hell yeah she did

You try not to let your panic shine through but he can tell anyways. He reaches up and slaps his palm against your cheek, softly. Oh shit it's a pap. Hah hah, wicked. It kind of works, actually, you're certainly distracted.

DAVE: i got this on lock
DAVE: go save egbert
DAVE: fuck with time
DAVE: all that cool shit
DAVE: .........
DAVE: you going to be okay though?
DAVE: once i leave?


DAVE: do you know what they were called?


You snort into your hand and just as he's about to break into another shouting spiel, you lean down and peck a small kiss on his forehead. He immediately shuts up to self destruct.

DAVE: see you in the past

And with that you summon your discs, and flash backwards. You've got a protagonist to save.
Days go by
Shou ga nai
Moments pass
Shattered glass
Hands of time
Where's that chime?
In my head
I'll just
I'll just
I'll just
I'll just
Hands (hands!) Of time will wring my neck
Every little moment spells regret
But I don't have to feel this way
As a voice inside my head
(My Time-Bo En)