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This is how I disappear

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It started for peter when he put on his spidey-suit and snuck on that spaceship to rescue the wizard against mr Stark’s best wishes. It ended with peter dressed in a black suit, another attendant at mr Stark’s funeral. It had been an excruciating journey and while half the population was brought back, some of the most important ones were taken away.

He got to see captain America as an old man. That was strange for him. His mind wandered back to sophomore year when his PE coach played videos of captain America giving advice to adolescents.

Peter also got to see other heroes he had looked up to since he was a little kid- thor, Bruce banner, captain marvel- but he didn’t have the heart to actually speak to them, too filled with grief, much like everyone else there that day. He spoke to Pepper and Happy but a weak “I’m sorry” was about all he could get out.

the funeral progressed and the crowd of superheroes become smaller and smaller, until the message became clear that it was over. Peter and aunt may traveled back home in solemn silence.

When peter made it to his bedroom in queens, clad in Star Wars posters and web shooters he’d been tinkering on, he collapsed onto the bottom bunk of his twin sized bunk bed and let out a sigh.

After a second of lying there, peter decided he’d rather wallow in something other than silence, so he grabbed his phone and put on some music. Famous Last words by my chemical romance came on and he couldn’t help but let out a choked sob at the irony of that title, remembering a certain someone’s famous last words. Sleep didn’t come easily that night.


The next few weeks were tough. Peter would barely get out of bed, only to use the bathroom or to assure aunt may he wasn’t dead. He stopped patrolling at night. Life for him sucked.

After an entire month of peter being depressed in his darkened room, aunt may had enough. She was worried for her boy.

She didn’t bother knocking, instead choosing to let herself in and flicking the lights on for the first time in weeks.

“Aghh, May! Turn it off!” Peter moaned. He looked awful, like he’d been crying-he probably had- his eyes were puffy and red which looked nothing like his figure. He was pale and skinny, much more skinny than before. He looked absolutely sickly and it broke aunt May’s heart to see her baby this way.

“I will not mister. You need to get up sweetie, need to do something other than sitting in the dark.” Aunt May spoke, taking a seat at the end of Peter’s bed.

“I’m fine may.” Peter’s tried to say but his voice and physique disagreed.

“You aren’t though. You can’t keep living like this. Hey! Why don’t you patrol tonight? Get out of the house, get some fresh air? It’ll do you some good to move around and see the city again.”

Peter wanted to pass, in favor of more wallowing in his own depression but he knew it was pointless to argue with may. He knew she wouldn’t change her mind and it was easier to do what she said. She was usually right in the end.


“Great! I ironed your suit, it’s hanging in the laundry room. Oh, and before you go anywhere, you are going to eat something, get some meat on those bones.”

“Yes May.”

After a big serving of Mac’n’cheese, accompanied by May fretting over how absolutely thin peter looked, he put on his suit and exited through his bedroom window.

He shot his web slinger at the nearest building and jumped forward into a swinging motion. This continued for some time, just taking in the New York scenery. May was right, he needed this. It felt nice to breathe some fresh air and move his body around. He stopped in Brooklyn to buy a churro and search for anybody in trouble.

There was a glint that hit his eye and when peter looked up at an old apartment building, he saw someone standing on the edge. Quickly, he webbed himself up to the top of the building to stop this person from doing something they’ll regret later.

“Hey, uh-hey, what are you doing up here? That ledge may seem interesting but there’s loads of other views in New York. Why don’t you take a step back.” Spiderman spoke quickly.

“I’m not gonna jump if that’s what you think.” The person spoke.

Peter recognized that voice.

The stranger turned around to face the masked hero and that’s when it clicked in Peter’s brain.

“Winter soldier? Mr Bucky, what are you doing up here? It’s me, spiderman!” Peter was actually quite happy to see another superhero and was quite relieved it wasn’t someone about to commit suicide.

“Yeah I recognize you. Being stuck in that damn soul stone with you for five years makes it kinda hard to forget. What are you doing in Brooklyn, kid?” Bucky spoke, giving the spider boy a look that peter couldn’t quite place.

“Oh um, I’m just patrolling New York. Keeping an eye on crime ya know.”

“Pretty noble.”

“Uh thanks, it beats sitting in the dark, being depressed. Anyway, what are you doing on top of a building in Brooklyn?”

“Sitting in the dark being depressed.”

“Oh-uh, I’m sorry.” The lenses on Peter’s mask squinted a bit before he spoke again. “You’re standing though, not sitting.”

“Fair point. This is the old apartment Stevie and I lived in. 2nd floor, room 2C. I remember patrolling the alleyways looking for him because I just knew he was getting his 5’4 ass into fights. The amount of times I had to drag him home and clean up the blood from his injuries,” Bucky trailed off, wistful smile on his face, thinking about his friend.

His friend who was now very old.

His friend who abandoned him to be with someone else.

Peter learned about Steve and Bucky in history class, he learned about their close friendship and even their “I’m with you until the end of the line” mantra. Peter could see that wistful smile turn into something much darker and sadder.

Taking a look at Bucky as a whole, Peter noticed how he was dressed. Baggy blue jeans, black T-shirt, and a light grey hoodie covered him. His metal arm was mostly hidden save for his hand, which was the glint he saw from earlier. He looked quite emo to the teen and that’s when he got an idea. Peter was never really good with words but he thought of something to say to the depressed man in front of him.

“Hey, you like music?” He asked, pulling his phone and earbuds out of a pocket in his suit.

After a pause, Bucky nodded.

“Great! I know this really old band that you might like. It’s called my chemical romance and this album is called welcome to the black parade.”

Peter handed an earbud to the winter soldier and decided to take his mask off so he could listen as well. Besides, it’s not like the man in front of him hasn’t seen him without it.

Still not speaking, Bucky took the earbud and held it up to his ear. This is how I disappear starts to play and both heroes let the lyrics flow through the tiny wire and into their brains.

3 minutes 59 seconds later, the song fades to an end and Bucky, rather forcefully, pulls the earbud away from his ear.

A beat of silence passes by and Bucky is standing incredibly still.


“That’s a good song, kid. What’s the band called again?”

“My chemical romance. And the album is welcome to the black parade.”

“What was the name of that song?”

“This is how I disappear.”

Bucky hummed. It really was a good song. But the lyrics. They hit quite a bit too close to home. He suddenly felt a sting urge to be alone right now. Bucky made his way to the fire exit before turning back to peter.

“It’s late. Go home kid.” And with that, in the blink of an eye, the winter soldier was gone.