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A Feeling For The Unfeeling

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Delta sat on the bed in the room he shared with York, it had been awhile since he had messed with mood chips, well more like a couple months but it felt like it had been longer. He knew that wasn’t a particularly good sign, however as long as he kept his use to a few times a year even once a month it would be fine, it’s not like he hadn’t lived most of his life without strong emotional responses. He didn’t mind the crashes from the mood chips much even if they could be quite drastic, York was often saddled with helping him through those if they were particularly bad. That typically only happened when he used Sunshine however, though any of the mood uppers could cause nasty depressive drops. This was one of the ones with that potential, he had already warned York ahead of time so he wouldn’t be surprised when he came back. He could also wait till York came back this particular chip had the RAS overridden so he would be able to be active during the use of the chip. He felt mood chips were better used that way, others could be much more dangerous to use in such a manner, mood chips however were a bit safer, so long as they weren’t ones that caused feelings of terror or paranoia during use. Those particular chips he ensured had the RAS enabled.

After a few more minutes of contemplating Delta decided to wait for York to arrive, allow him to enjoy the good mood as well, it was rare York saw Delta in that state but it was generally a good experience, well as long as the chip was a positive emotion anyways, crashes were the only bad part but that was to be expected when you flood your brain with too much of a particular combination of chemicals.

He didn’t have to wait terribly long for York to get back he knew when he would be getting home anyways and had initiated the chips sequence about five minutes before he would be coming through the door. The effects took hold almost immediately and he felt a heavy wave of endorphins hit him like a train and he shivered a little feeling that tingly buzz over his skin. God it felt good, he wished he could feel like this all the time, but he knew he couldn’t that wouldn’t be good and could cause a total burnout which he couldn’t have that, not with all the responsibilities he had. He could at least feel it for the hour or two it would last though.

York was running a few minutes late, while his partners BTL habit was mildly concerning to him at times thus far it hadn’t caused any problems, and so long as it stayed that way he figured he may as well leave it be and maybe enjoy the effects the chips had on Delta every once in awhile. Sure the crashes weren’t fun to deal with but Delta seemed to like those too to an extent. He didn’t quite understand it, well, scratch that he sort of understood, Delta didn’t have particularly strong emotional reactions to things for some reason, so once a month or so he would just overload on one, which wasn’t the healthiest thing especially since he could get much safer ones that maybe didn’t cause such intense crashes and responses as they had a cap out on the chemicals they triggered.

Okay so he was more than mildly concerned about what Delta was doing but still it didn't interfere with daily life so he didn't feel like it was his place to tell Delta what he could and could not do with his life. Anyways it was once or twice a month only, so whatever. It made him feel good so he would just let him have it for now.

He opened the door to their shared apartment and headed inside finding Delta stretched out on their bed staring at the ceiling with a grin on his face, that was nice to see honestly, even if it was cause of a chip, it was a rare sight and it made him feel a bit warm “looks like you’re flyin on something nice.” York said and sat down next to him.

Delta opened his eyes and looked over at him “you already know the answer to that York.” He said with a light laugh before sitting up and kissing his cheek softly.

“Y’know… your use of these chips worries me sometimes, but i gotta admit, it’s nice seeing you happy and affectionate like this.” He said to him and ran his fingers through Delta’s hair. Sure Delta was affectionate without the chips but he was more passive and less emotive.

“I know, that’s why i waited till you were home, I knew you would enjoy this one too.”

York smiled at him lightly and sighed a little bit “yeah thats honestly appreciated, cause as much as i don’t mind helping you through crashes it is a little tiring especially when i don’t get to see the nice side of these things.” he shrugged wrapping an arm around Delta’s shoulders. He was such a slight man he wondered sometimes how he managed not to break bones easier. Then again almost everyone nowadays had augmentations out the ass other than magic users.

“Yeah I know, sorry about that. I just don’t always know when you’ll be home so I often do not think about it. Just want to feel.” Delta replied leaning into York closing his eyes with a pleased hum. He just wanted to feel things, but he often forgot that York might want to be around for the more positive ones. Well at least today he had known when York would be home, so today he got to experience the good part too.

They didn’t do much mostly just sat and talked enjoying each others company and touching lightly. York often felt weird about anything going further than that while Delta was under the influence, it wasn’t that he doubted Delta would consent either way, just one of his things. Especially with the crashes, those could be bad, he knew sub drop was bad and he didn’t want to deal with that in an extreme.

Delta gripped York a bit tighter as the BTL chip finished it’s course and wiped itself clean of data. This was gonna be a rough one. He could feel the tightness in his chest starting as the crash hit him. He shivered and just clung to York as he started sobbing very suddenly in the middle of whatever they had been talking about.

York was only a little startled, Delta had been doing this long enough he knew the drill and knew he would be alright in about an hour give or take. He held him close and rubbed his back gently “you’ll be alright Delta, I know it feels like life is crumbling but thats just the crash, everything will be ok.” he said to him comfortingly as he held him.

Delta nodded against his shoulder hiccuping a bit “I-I know, I know…” he said quietly and reached up petting his hair a little bit and squeezed him. “I-I’m ok, I’m doing ok. This won’t last too long… just don’t let go… i feel like i’m gonna fall to pieces if you let go.”

“I know Dee I know. I’m not gonna let go of you.”

“Thank you.”