To whom it may concern—
This is beyond fucking dumb. How is writing down my feelings supposed to help them go away? I mean, wouldn’t it just force me to acknowledge my emotions, resulting in more of them?
I don’t know. All I know is that one of the days we were on the run, Sam brought up journals, and how they can be a healthy coping mechanism. He hadn’t directed it to anyone specifically. If he did, I wouldn’t be able to ask him now.
So is everyone else.
Sam, Bucky, Wanda, T’Challa. Billions of people, gone in an instant.
It has been exactly two weeks since we failed to retrieve the stones from Thanos. Two weeks since we failed to bring everyone back. Since I once again failed everyone.
The ‘intergalactic’ avengers left first. Including, Thor, Carol, and the remaining Guardians of the Galaxy. The Raccoon left without picking up after himself. Luckily for me, Steve picked up the mess. Cursing, and questioning how something could leave such a terrible smell behind.
Bruce left soon after - it shocked no one. He had been distant since they arrived back on Earth. It still feels weird saying that. Back on Earth, because I actually left the planet’s atmosphere.
I can’t begin to imagine how little Natasha would have reacted to reading that sentence about herself.
It’s me and Steve now, Tony was out of here the moment he could stand. Most days are calm, and others have a great sadness stuffed in the air. It’s almost as though something is missing—
oh wait. Something is.
Half of the fucking planet’s and galaxy’s population.
Thanos has been dead two weeks, but his face is something that will always haunt my dreams. The very idea of people like him existing plagues me with nightmares. Only I wake up, and realize that the nightmares hold nowhere near the fear of what the actual world holds.
The media is covering everything. They’re talking about how Steve and I are sitting cozy in our Upstate Facility while the world is in a frenzy.
I had asked Steve if he wanted to take the lead of navigating point for the public relations of the situation - he stared at me like a fish out of water.
I did it. I bared the hurtful words that humanity has clung to the moment I released my truth to the world, and they hurled it back at me the moment they got the chance.
Even as I explained the events that transpired, they yelled that I was a traitor from the beginning. That I was a fugitive along with Rogers, Wilson, and Maximoff. That Steve and I belonged in prison, it doesn’t matter what effort we put in to stopping the Mad Titan.
Sometimes I wonder.. if the Accord situation never would have happened - if the team had been together when they came. Would we have had a stronger chance?
I know Steve thinks about it. I can see it on his face when he hears something about Thanos on the news. He gets this distant look in his eyes, and not the Cap look. The Steve look. The look of a man who has lost it all. I guess the world has an understanding of how he felt, waking up after several years on ice. The feeling of losing everything.
When I got home that day, I told Steve about it. He was furious. I had never seen him so angry. He cooled himself quickly when he saw my face. I remember the exact second that rage turned to sympathy, and he promised he would step up the next time.
I hate to admit it but maybe Sam was right, writing does help.
I miss him.