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Darling Dearest

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Darling dearest, I am sorry.

From day one, I have been fed with gold. Mother's bosom was golden, and so were all my spoons. The food was well-cooked and cleaned and fruit was cut and peeled.


Darling dearest, I have been a fool.


I never knew that beauty did not have to be clear as cloudless skies, white as fields of Sparks Amidst Snow. I never knew beauty could spring from green and purple, from wild and flowing waters. I was blind to the way that only a few moves of a gentle but strong hand could reveal clear seeds from an oddly shaped, green pod.

Darling dearest, I have been unjust.

I was so determined to take life into my own hands, beyond anyone's control and prejudice. I was determined to pay respect where it was due, but through all of this never payed enough respect to you.

Darling dearest, my eyes were closed and my hands tied.

All I saw was black and all I felt was mud. I was not brave enough to feel beyond it, to feel up the stem, feel the vast, sheltering leaves and the gorgeous blossoms. I refused to believe that beyond, or even from the mud, a flower as radiant as a lotus could grow. Blind and not daring to feel around me, I remained in the dark, unable to know you.

Darling dearest, I've let you down.

Too many times my words were harsh, too many times they have humiliated and hurt you. I was blind then, I was loud then, I was choking on my pride. I did not know that my pride was you, and it had always been you.

Darling dearest, you teach me well.

Fates are not determined in the crib when there is true love that interferes and is our guide. Your way of loving, mud, or root, or seed or flower, it radiates right down to my core, illuminates it, makes it shine more golden than ever.

Darling dearest, you are oustanding.

Your sincere kindness opened my eyes and untied my hands. You helped me find and feel you in bloom like peonies in June. I will look up to you for the rest of my days, with nothing but pride and without shame. I did not see you then, but i see you now.

Darling dearest, I am willing.

For you, I am willing to lose face, if it only means I can protect you and our family. For as long as I live, I want to be at your side. I am willing to stand knee-deep in the mud to build you a Lotus Pier, I am willing to let your brothers into my heart so we can be one family.

Darling dearest, red suits you well.

I was aghast at the sight of you in such full bloom, unable to swallow all of my tears. Lifting your veil was like peeling a lotus seed to reveal nothing but clean and nourishing beauty. I wish it had remained the only time we would be bathed in red.

Darling dearest, look at our son.

Wrapped in gold, but fed with love. Look at all the colours he will be able to see, look at all that lies beyond Koi Tower's cleanliness. Can you spot the peony amidst the lotuses, can you see him like sparks amidst snow? Can you imagine his laughter when he finds he knows so much better than we ever did? Can you imagine he calls this one A-Die?

Darling Dearest, we're out of time.

I wish these had not been my last lines. There was so much I wanted to say to you, so many more hours and days for me to cherish you and to cherish A-Ling. I wish I could have seen him, the spark amidst snow, the speck of gold amidst the lotuses, the little boy with his mother's eyes.

A-Li... Are you still waiting?
Oh Darling dearest, I am not coming home.