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So Near yet so Far

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Chapter 1

Heechul is bored out of his mind while seating in his drum throne. He was staring at his members who are arguing back and forth, screaming at the top of their lungs. He remained quiet as he reached his phone from his pocket.

Are you free later? – Sunghee

It’s been a while since he received a text from his close friend. He met him in an audition held by an agency because they are planning to replace one member who suddenly left before debuting as a band. It was pretty casual when they met, a simple hi turned into a long conversation. Even after their audition they hang out like they’ve known each other for ages. When Sunghee offered the spot to be in the band called Buzz, Heechul still supported and spend time with him. As Sunghee’s band is getting popular than ever, he got busier in promoting and performing in different places in the country.

I thought you went to Busan? – Heechul

Day off.. sooo? – Sunghee

Heechul stood and wore his jacket. Leeteuk, the leader of the band, draw his attention to him.

“Where the fuck are you going? We still have a practice.”

Heechul stared at him with his cold eyes. Leeteuk left speechless, he was kind of intimidated by his stare so he let him leave. Then he went to a café in Myeongdong where they are supposedly meet. He saw Sunghee sitting in front of the café’s window. He has a new hairstyle which suits him and fashionable designer clothes. Heechul greeted him and teased him for his new look, Sunghee laughed as a reply. They talked for hours, catching up with each other’s’ lives.

“Even my bandmates is a fan of your band, even my sister who isn’t into rock bands singing your songs in the karaoke.” Heechul said. Sunghee laughed and sipped some coffee.

“Well if I’m going to be honest, it’s kinda exhausting but fun. I’m even shocked when people recognize me even if I’m just a guitarist because usually lead singers are the only who are tend to be noticed. It’s – it’s amazing.”

Heechul pouts and jokingly said, “Now I envy you. I hope my band will be popular as yours.”

“How is it? I heard that you’re debuting.” Heechul rolled his eyes and Sunghee can see how frustrated and pissed Heechul is.

“Yeah, our agency is already promoting us. We are booked to perform in music shows.” He sighed.

“They’re okay but our leader keeps on asking us to practice all day without any breaks and I’m not even exaggerating, he wanted everything to be perfect. My other bandmates are starting to get annoyed and complain to the leader which is the reason why they end up arguing. I don’t know, it this continues, I think before we’re going to debut, we’ll end up disbanding.” He added. Sunghee chuckled and pat his shoulders.

“You’re here. Let’s not think about our bands for a second and enjoy our day off.” Sunghee said as he stood up and wore his designer jacket.

They went to music retail store. Strolling and discussing their favorite old bands. Sunghee went to the other aisle to search for the first album of his favorite band when he came back, he saw Heechul surrounded by three girls flirting with him.

“My friend really likes you, and she’s wondering if she can get your number?” a girl with ponytail said while touching her friend’s shoulder. Heechul stared at them especially the girl who is asking for the number. She is looking down while smiling. He raised his eyebrows with cold reaction on his face then he turned his back and pretending he was looking for a cd.

“I’m not interested especially when a girl can’t even stand up for herself.” He said calmly. The girl with ponytail smirked and said with sarcastic voice, “I’m thankful that you didn’t give your number because she dodged a bullet of dating an arrogant ass.” He turned around and then reached his ball pen and receipt from his packet.

“I’m sorry for how I act. I’m just having a rough day.” He wrote his number in the back of the receipt and gave it to the shy girl. When she’s going to reach it, Heechul suddenly moved his hand towards to the girl with ponytail.

“I like you and I want to date you.”

Her face turned red and she doesn’t know what to say. He then slowly walk towards to the girl and move closely whispered to her face and said, “You’re beautiful and I want to kiss your red lips.” He slipped his number to side pocket of her coat. He smiled and approached Sunghee. They went outside and walked away.

“You haven’t change aren’t you? I thought you’re dating someone?” Sunghee chuckled.

“We broke up weeks ago.” Heechul replied.

“What? You only date her 2 weeks?”

“Oh. You’re talking about the other one.” Sunghee was shocked and lightly punched him in the arm.

“You never stayed in a relationship, when was the last time you date someone for a long time?!”  Heechul took a long time to answer.

“It’s just that it didn’t work out easy as that.” Sunghee smiled.

“That’s exactly what Kyunghoon used to say.”

“Kyunghoon, your lead singer?”

“Yeah, he exactly said that. If it’s over then it’s over, even if he really likes that person and that person said that it’s not working out and they need to move on from each other  then he respect her decision. You know even if he’s younger than us, he’s wiser than us. But the difference with the both of you, he stays longer in a relationship.” He said while laughing. Heechul sighed and stared him blankly.

“Come to think of it, he actually reminds me of you. He’s silent but deadly.” He added.

”All I’m saying is that, if you both don’t feel the same anymore and you keep insisting to work it out, then it's going to be tiring for the both of you. For me, just end it. If I feel like I don’t feel continuing our relationship anymore then I’m going to break up with you first.”

“So you’re saying you’re the one who’s dumping them?!” He shrugged, Sunghee again laughed.

“You’re really an arrogant ass aren’t you?” Sunghee exclaimed. Heechul felt his cellphone vibrating so he opened it and received a text message from anonymous number.

“It took a while for her to reply. But I guess this arrogant ass have another date.” He said while showing the text message to Sunghee.

I’m the girl with ponytail earlier.. when are you free for coffee?

***

 “This is our first performance; we need to make sure that everything is perfect. Understand?” Leeteuk demanded as he handled everyone the paper that is filled with their schedule for the whole month.

“Buzz? We’re performing after them? Why? They’re popular!” Donghae exclaimed. Everyone in the band was shocked and immediately turned their heads to their leader.

“Isn’t it a bit weird if we’re going to perform after them? People might lose their interest after we perform.” Eunhyuk added.

“So that’s why we need to make sure that we won’t suck.” Leeteuk replied as he tuned his guitar.

“I don’t know, for me it wasn’t a wise decision. It’s our first performance after all.” Kyuhyun replied.

“We don’t have a choice okay?! It has been decided so if you wanted to complain then complain to our manager.”

Three days later, the day has finally come. Heechul’s band went early to prepare and practice in the studio. It’s their first time as a group to be in the backstage of a studio. Some singers are vocalizing; some are casually talking like they’re used to perform in large crowd and some are setting up their instruments. Heechul took a deep breath and he focused his attention to do well in their performance but suddenly he felt someone put his arms to his shoulders; when he turned around, he saw his friend Sunghee with make up on. Heechul smiled.

“You’re finally performing!” Sunghee said excitingly.

“I’m nervous.”

“It’s natural to be nervous okay? Just have fun. Anyway after this show, I’m inviting you guys to my housewarming party! Please come okay?”

“Sunghee, we need to prepare now!” Junki called him. He said his goodbyes and went to their own dressing room.

Few hours later, Buzz is next in performing in the stage. They looked relax when they went on the stage and the people started cheering them and screaming their names. Heechul’s bandmates are starting to felt uneasy because of their nervousness. Leeteuk started to pace while Donghae and Eunhyuk are sitting down while their hands are in praying position. Heechul does feel nervous but once he heard the guitar playing, he went closer to the stage and watched his friend playing bass. He smiled and remembered that it’s his first time to see him perform live. But then he turned his head to the lead vocalist in the center when he started to sing. His voice is powerful and his charisma on the stage undeniably great. Heechul’s eyes only focused on him like he was carried away by his voice and as soon as he smiled to the fans, he doesn’t know why but his heart beats faster than it should be. After their performance, Buzz members went to backstage and Heechul was still speechless and star struck as soon as he saw Kyunghoon but he snapped out of it and said, “You did great.” Heechul’s bandmates jaw dropped including Sunghee. It was their first time hearing Heechul giving complements to someone.

Kyunghoon looked at him, he bowed and said with a soft voice, “Thank you. Good luck to your performance.”

Heechul was silent as he watched him leave. Eunhyuk pulled his hands and said that they’re next. They went on the stage and people are silent. No one actually cheered but as soon as they perform, it seems like the audience slowly likes it. It was a success.

After their performance, Heechul said to his group that they are invited to Buzz’s party. Everyone who performed in the show was invited. They all agreed to go except Kyuhyun because he was tired and wanted to go home early. When they arrived to Sunghee’s home and as expected his house is pretty big. Everyone is having fun but Heechul felt like part of himself wanting to meet Kyunghoon in the party. He went to the kitchen and opened a bottle of beer.

“Is there any beer left?” said by a familiar voice. Heechul turned around and saw Kyunghoon standing in the open door.

“U-uhm, I-I think I  drank the last of it.” Heechul stuttered, Kyunghoon sighed.

“Classic Sunghee. He’s having a party but there are not enough drinks for his guests.” He said jokingly. Heechul chuckled.

“I just wanted to say that I like your voice.” Kyunghoon blushed and thanked him.

“And… it might sound weird but I really wanted your autograph.” He hesitated but he still said it. Kyunghoon was shocked and he doesn’t know what to say; suddenly Leeteuk interrupted them asked Heechul to come with him because Lee Soo Man’s assistant is looking for all of them. After that, he immediately went to the kitchen but Kyunghoon isn’t there anymore but when he went to the kitchen counter, he saw a guitar pick with small signature in it. He picked it and approached Sunghee.

“Where’s Kyunghoon?” he asked.

“Kyunghoon? He always leaves early. Why?” Sunghee saw the guitar pick that Heechul’s carrying.

“Is that my guitar pick? That son of a bitch, just because I told him I don’t have paper, doesn’t mean he should take my guitar pick to write his autograph… wait, you’re the one who’s asking him an autograph?” Heechul smiled and Sunghee’s face started to get confused.

“You’re creeping me out, first of all, you complemented him which by the way I haven’t heard you doing that and second you’re asking him an autograph? What the hell is going on?”

“He’s a good singer, that’s all.”

Chapter Text

Chapter 2 

The sun is going down and lanterns hanging from above starts to brighten the street. Couples are seen to be holding each other’s hands as they wander around as the children playfully running while enjoying the view of colorful lights around them; they are all accompanied by someone who is close to them but Kyunghoon isn’t one of them. He prefers to be alone in appreciating the stunning place. As he walks by, he saw his one and only friend, Soeun, chatting and laughing with their classmates. She is an extroverted, fun, witty and easy to get along with which is the reason why she’s popular with everyone. They are different from each other but somehow they understand each other – like they are the one’s missing piece. Soeun is the first one and the only one who approached him so Kyunghoon cherishes her more than anyone and slowly developing feelings for her but he knows his limit. He knows that Soeun only thinks of him as a friend and he knows that she is better without him. As soon as he saw Soeun stared him back, he avoided her and walked away from her but he didn’t know that Soeun followed him. He lifted his scarf to cover his lips and sat on the bench where only few people are there.

“Hey, are you avoiding me?” said by a familiar voice. Kyunghoon turned around and saw Soeun standing behind him.

“What makes you say that?” he replied quietly. Soeun rolled her eyes and sat beside him.

“Lately you don’t talk that much.” Kyunghoon smiled.

“I don’t talk much.”

“Well, when you’re with me, you’re yapping nonsense and singing whenever you feel like it but now? You’re making excuses to not go with me. Did I do something wrong? If so, I’m sorry.” she asked. Kyunghoon looked at her and he can tell that she’s worried but he scared to answer. He scared that if he confessed, it might affect their friendship so he holds his tongue then suddenly, Soeun moved a little closer and kissed him on the lips.

“I-I like you. I really do. And I know that you don’t like-“she stopped as soon as Kyunghoon kissed her back and the first snow starts to fall.

Soeun looked at herself in the mirror as she flattens her dress. She fixed her makeup and she makes sure that her hair is perfect. When she’s done, she immediately went to the music festival where her current boyfriend is performing. It’s been four years since they started having relationship and when Kyunghoon decided that he wanted to be a singer, she supports him. But because his band is becoming popular, he’s busier than ever with TV and commercial offers; as for Soeun, she’s also busy with her studies especially she’s a graduating student. So for her, attending his concerts is the closest way to see and spend time with each other. Kyunghoon is private with his personal life, he rarely seen spending his time with his old friends and family but the only thing that he’s open about is that he’s currently dating Soeun. He ignores the stereotype of idols hiding their relationship to public because for him, it’s unnecessary. He loves his girlfriend no matter what happens and he’s proud to introduce her to public.

She wanted to surprise him so she didn’t tell him that she’s going. When she got there, as expected, there are many girls in there desperately to see Kyunghoon in personal wearing Buzz t-shirts and other merchandises. But then, she slowly noticed and recognized by some fans. Some of them are glad that they met her in personal but some can’t hide their jealous faces.

“That’s Soeun? I expected much.” A fan whispered to her friend.

“Me too, I imagined her differently. I didn’t know that Kyunghoon lowered his standard.” Her friend replied. They didn’t know that Soeun heard their conversation but she kept it to herself. After the concert, she immediately went near backstage exit door so she surprise Kyunghoon with her self-made banner saying, “What if I love you Kyunghoon?” with the face from the Matrix. It’s their inside joke, she made him watch the Matrix and he can’t help but referencing it to his girlfriend. When she will finally call him, the fans ran towards her and pushed her back so she accidentally dropped her banner. She couldn’t reach it because the fans are already stepping her banner. Kyunghoon waved to his fans and didn’t notice Soeun standing in the corner. As soon as he sat down, Junki informed him that he saw someone that looks like Soeun. Kyunghoon got curious so he lowered the level of the car’s window to look at the girl that Junki’s referring to and he saw his girlfriend staring back at him, unhappy.

When she got back in her dorm, the whole room is pitched black. She dropped her filthy banner on the floor and she turned on the lights. She picked up the mails which are from his fans, she got used to it, receiving hate messages from them saying that she should leave Kyunghoon because she’s not right for him. She never tells it to him because she knows that he’ll just get worry and it might affect and ruin their band’s career so she ignores it and she straightaway throws the mail in the garbage can.  She sat down and checked her phone. She received few text messages from Kyunghoon and when she opened each one of it, her tears start to drop. She can’t control her tears, she always wanted to cry in front of him but she never does. She miss him so much, she miss his hands, his hugs and his kisses; even how much she hopes for their relationship to continue; that hope slowly starts to fade.

Soeun woke up from the knock on the door. She got up and opened the door. It was Kyunghoon. He immediately hugged her and kissed her cheeks.

“I got worried, you didn’t even answer my texts.” She didn’t answer. Kyunghoon then looked at her room and its huge mess. Her clothes are all over the floor, her mails were torn to pieces and her dishes are piling up in the sink.

“Are you okay? You don’t reply on my messages or e-mails. I haven’t heard of you since you came to our concert?” he asked but then he can’t help but noticed a letter with his name written on it. He read death threat messages from his fans.

“Why didn’t you tell me?”

“You’re busy.” She said with sarcastic voice.

“What? You’re receiving death threats. Is this why you don’t want to talk to me anymore? I can handle-“

“No because I’m done with you!” she angrily shouted as her eyes wet with tears.

“Y-you’re done? After all these years and you will suddenly give up?”

“You know why?” she then snatched the mails from Kyunghoon’s hand and she slowly moves it closely to his face.

“I don’t give a damn with these hate messages. I got used to it; I am used to hearing words that I’m not right for you  I could bear with it but you know what I couldn’t bear? Losing you. I just – I feel like I’m losing you. We barely see each other; we barely talk with each other and I’m getting tired of it.” She throws the torn mails as she wiped her tears. He hugged her tightly and consoled her, “I’m sorry… I don’t want to lose you either.”

  ***

“Are you okay Kyunghoon?” Sunghee asked. Kyunghoon smiled and then he nodded.

“Kyunghoon, what’s the problem? You can tell me anything.” He added. He hesitated at first but when Sunghee is going to leave, Kyunghoon replied, “Soeun and I had a fight. Every time I’m with her, it looks like I’m just hurting her even more. I don’t know.”

Sunghee sighed.

“Love is indeed complicated but one thing I know, if you really love someone then you’re going to do everything for her. Just ask yourself, what’s best for her? What’s best for the both of you?” Kyunghoon looked down on his feet.

“Listen, I am having a housewarming party later. You should come and just have fun. You’re still young, you shouldn’t worry too much.” Sunghee smiled.

“Buzz, you’re up.” Stage manager called.

After their performance, they went to Sunghee’s house. Kyunghoon is a bit quiet than usual. Most of his members are socializing with other celebrities, but Kyunghoon rather want to be alone. He then thirsts for a beer so he went to the kitchen. He saw a tall, pale guy standing in front of the kitchen counter.

“Is there any beer left?” he asked and then the guy turned around. He looks familiar and then he remembered he’s one of the bands who played after them. As he stared at him, he somehow reminds him of Soeun.

“I-I think I drank the last of it.”

“Classic Sunghee. He’s having a party but there are not enough drinks for his guests.” He said jokingly. The guy chuckled.

“I just wanted to say that I like your voice.” Kyunghoon blushed and thanked him.

“And… it might sound weird but I really wanted your autograph.” Kyunghoon was shocked and he doesn’t know what to say; this guy does remind him of Soeun.  

Buzz is having a fan meeting and Soeun surprised him asking for Kyunghoon’s autograph on her guitar pick. Kyunghoon was shocked and laughed at her girlfriend.

“I just wanted to say that I like your voice.” Kyunghoon blushed. It was refreshing to hear from someone he loves.

“I really wanted your autograph.” She joked, Kyunghoon laughed and gave the signed pick.

Suddenly the guy’s bandmate approached them and asking to come with him. When he leaves, he saw the snow slowly falls to the ground. That’s when he realized that he truly loves her and wanted to spend his whole life with her. He immediately leaves the party and called her to come out and if she could meet her now. Soeun agreed.

She was standing in the park waiting for Kyunghoon to come.

“Soeun, for this past few days… I know that I hurt you. I know that you suffer because of me but I want you to know that I love you and I am willing to do everything for you. I am willing to spend my whole life with you and I am willing… to turn down this celebrity thing for you.” Kyunghoon said. He then bend his knee and reached for the ring from his pocket.

“Will you marry me?” Soeun stared at him and took a deep breath.

“I’m sorry but I won’t accept it, Kyunghoon. I think we both know that our relationship isn’t working even how much we wanted to deny it. I don’t want to ruin your career or give up your career because I know how important it is to you. I think it’s for the better.”

Kyunghoon left speechless as he watched Soeun walking away; knowing that it will be the last time seeing her.

                                                                                            ***

Buzz went to a temporary hiatus until they announced that they’re disbanding. Four of the members are enlisting in the army so Kyunghoon will be the only one who will be active. He went solo and released his first solo album but sadly, it wasn’t successful. Everything didn’t end well for him, he wasn’t popular as he used to be and top it all up; he heard that his ex-girlfriend is happy with her new boyfriend.  He has no one. He began to suffer severe depression. He didn’t talk to anyone including his bandmates. He didn’t left his house for a year and even stopped listening to music.

2012, he began his military service. While serving, he didn’t expect a lot of praise from his fellow armies. They supported him and wanted him to perform military band performances and concerts. When he finished his army, the band plans to comeback. But because they are desperate to promote their band, Kyunghoon was asked if he could join a variety show called Knowing Brothers. He doubted himself at first because he’s not great as MC and he couldn’t handle the stress in being in a variety show but then he tried.

He was invited to be in the press conference for the new variety show. This is the first time he’ll meet other cast members. They are all looked familiar to him but there is one person who stands out from the rest. He’s pale as white and beautiful for a guy. He thinks that he knows the guy for imitating him in comedy shows. He gazed at him once again as he heard the MC of the press conference introducing him, “His band is also popular in and outside Korea. Please welcome, Kim Heechul.”

 

Chapter Text

Chapter 3

“You know, Heechul is popular in imitating singers including Kyunghoon.” Hodong, one of the cast members of Knowing Brothers, said it proudly as he looked at their other cast mates. Heechul look back to his older cast member as soon as he heard that. Everyone was excited to see it even though they have seen it for a thousand times. They stared at him with anticipation.

“Oh come on. You never been this shy whenever you wanted to imitate him!” he added. They all laughed even harder. Heechul hesitated as he gazed at Kyunghoon for a second.

“Okay, the real Kyunghoon should judge me whether I imitated him well or not.” Heechul replied. Kyunghoon smiled quietly. It’s his first time to see Heechul imitating him personally. Kyunghoon doesn’t like people imitating him because they made fun of how he sings. He also thinks that they exaggerated it too much. Heechul always teases him. Whenever Kyunghoon will sing, Heechul will interrupt him and then imitate him – it’s like his punchline. Even how much he dislikes it, he got used to it.

He lowered his voice and then exaggerated his vibrato. He put his hand above his head pretending that it’s his microphone. Everyone stopped walking as they laughed hysterically, they always love to see it and it never fails to amaze them.

“Kyunghoon did I do great?” Kyunghoon nodded while smiling.

Heechul admired him in his early years in the entertainment industry. When he heard him for the first time singing live, he immediately bought Buzz’s albums. And every night, he’ll play their songs until he’ll fall asleep. They are in the same entertainment industry, both of their bands will perform in the same program or music festival but somehow they never had a chance to meet formally. Either Kyunghoon will leave early or Heechul isn’t available because of his other schedule. He only met him once in Sunghee’s housewarming party but he never had a chance to have longer conversation with him and it seems like Kyunghoon doesn’t remember it all.

When his band is becoming popular outside the country, he experience what Sunghee’s telling him before. He got busier. They will perform all around the world and they’re going to stop in Korea every three months. He was also discovered to be a talented MC, a witty comedian and an actor, so he received a lot of offers from different networks. When he’s in Korea, he’ll do TV shows and then immediately flew to their next destination for their concert. So he was late to receive news that Buzz is disbanding. His chances in meeting him went even lower when Kyunghoon went on hiatus so he was glad that they end up in the same show.

They’re walking for a few minutes now and they finally arrived in the small house. They were given a short break before resuming the rest of the segment. Youngchul, Sangmin and Janghoon stayed inside the house while chatting and others went outside. Soogeun called his wife to ask how her day was, Hodong also called his wife and his son; meanwhile Heechul is sitting on a bench in the back of the house while searching for signal. He needs to text his manager about his next day’s schedule. Kyunghoon moves toward him while holding two hot chocolates. He sat beside him and gave the other one to Heechul.

“Thank you.“ Heechul replied as he smiled at him.

“You should get inside, it’s getting cold.” Heechul sighed.

“There’s no reception inside the house and I need it because I’m waiting for my manager’s reply.”

“You look exhausted.” Heechul chuckled and drank his hot chocolate.

“I was in a fan meeting yesterday and it ended late. I only slept for five hours and immediately went here for our shoot.”

“You shouldn’t overdo it.” Heechul looked at his phone again but there’s no message at all.

“You should go inside, I’ll handle it. I’ll wait it for you.” Kyunghoon added.

“No, it’s okay. It’s fine!”

“I insist. You should go inside and take a break. Besides, I wanted to stay here.” Heechul gave his phone to Kyunghoon and went inside.

An hour later, they needed to go inside and resume their shooting. Kyunghoon went inside as well and saw Heechul quietly sleeping.

“Heechul, wake up.” Janghoon, one of the cast member, said it gently. Heechul woke up and saw Kyunghoon. He gave his phone and said, “He already responded.” Heechul thanked him as he rubbed his right eye.

For this segment, each cast was asked what they wanted to do. One said that he wanted to experience to be in a military because he was excused not to be enlisted because of an accident, other one suggested that he wanted to try different cuisine and lastly, Heechul said, “nothing.” The producer did invite a military officer; he trained Janghoon, Hodong and Soogeun. Every time someone will make a mistake, Soogeun will be punished. Then after that, they ate their favorite cuisine inside the house except Janghoon and Hodong because Hodong suggested that he wanted to eat on a boat. The staff set a ball pit outside with a small boat on it. Then because of Heechul’s suggestion, they didn’t do anything for an hour. It was boring so they just talked about random things.

“Let’s talk about reactions – your reaction when you heard someone will join in this variety show.” Youngchul suggested as he pointed his finger to Soogeun.

“My first reaction when I heard Soogeun will join I was shocked because I thought that he's still on hiatus because of his controversy.” Heechul said it jokingly and then everyone laughed.

“What is this? Are we going to roast each other?" Soogeun asked while lauging.

“To be honest when I saw Heechul, I really thought  that he’s a girl. He’s really beautiful.” Janghoon said. Heechul laughed hysterically while others chuckled and agreed with him.

"I never met Heechul in person. I only hear his name and his band so when I saw him in person - I was like, there's a woman as cast member?" Soogeun added. They continued to laugh.

"My reaction when I heard Heechul joining, I was kinda nervous. I always hear rumors that he knows everything. A celebrity who has a sharp tongue, he'll say whatever come to his mind. And they're right!" Hodong said.

"He's savage." Youngchul also replied. 

"How about you Kyunghoon?" Sangmin asked. Heechul quickly looked at Kyunghoon and he somehow curious on what he's going to say.

"Well, I agree with Janghoon. I find him really pretty. My first impression? I really thought that he's cold and we won't get along but actually he's one of the nicest person I've ever met. He knows that I'm a rookie when it comes to variety shows but he took care and motivated me to do well." Heechul was flattered and he smiled throughout the shoot.

After the shoot, the producer made them choose whether they wanted to stay and sleep there or leave. Heechul choose to leave as well as Kyunghoon. They both waited outside to fetch them up.

"Are you waiting for someone?" Heechul asked when he moved closer to Kyunghoon.

"My manager. You?"

"My assistant. I need to go back in Seoul tomorrow because apparently I was scheduled for a photoshoot." He then took a deep breath then checked his phone if he received a text message.

"By the way, I really appreciate what you've said earlier." He continued. Kyunghoon stared at him with confused face.

"That I'm the nicest person you've ever met! It's been a long time since I heard that compliment so thank you." Kyunghoon laughed. 

"You are." Heechul then raised his eyebrow when he heard it from him.

"I'm complimenting you because it's true. I'm thankful that you supported me. You know how I feel when it comes to variety shows; it's not my forté until now, I feel uncomfortable. I still doubt if I'm funny to be in a variety-" Kyunghoon paused as Heechul put his hand to his shoulder.

"Kyunghoon. Believe me, you're funny without even trying." Heechul laughed.

"See? You're good at motivating me." Heechul heard a ringtone from his phone. He opened the text message from his manager saying that he already there.

"My assistant is here. See you next week." Heechul smiled. He moved closer to Kyunghoon and suddenly kissed him on the cheek. Heechul immediately went on the back of the driver's seat.

"I told you, don't exhaust yourself." Hankyung said while he walked toward him. Heechul appeared to be paler than usual and eyes sunken. He tried to move his head to see Hankyung sat beside him.

"Kyungie, I'm getting tired of going in and out here in the hospital." Heechul replied with a weak voice.

"Well I keep on reminding you to not overwork."

"You know I don't have a choice.. Hankyung, I'm tired. I'm getting sick of doing this. And, I'm not even sure if I could make it." Heechul cried. Hankyung hold his hand and said,

"Heechul, you're one of the braviest person I've ever met. Not because you aren't afraid with other's opinion but because you still smile even when you're already hurt and I admire you for that. Heechul if it wasn't for you, I wouldn't be here. You guided me and you cared for me - so please, I don't want to hear those words from you okay? Whatever happens, I'll be here for you."

                                             ***

All of the cast members were called for a meeting. They all gathered in JTBC building to discuss their variety show. Apparently, it wasn't successful as they wanted to be. As the show progresses, the ratings start to decline so they asked the cast members if they wanted to continue the program or not.

"We should at least give it a chance." Hodong argued. The staff throws different suggestions to save the show but other cast members remained quiet. Heechul felt his phone vibrated so he quietly read the text under the desk.

Heechul, I'm currently here in Korea. Donghae and I bumped into each other in the café and he gave me your number.. so I'm just wondering if you wanted to hang out? I hope you'll reply soon. - Hankyung

His heart dropped. It's been years since he last saw him. He was spaced out. Suddenly Hodong snapped him out by repeatedly calling his name.

"You should pay attention-"

"I'm sorry, somthing came out and I just need to call someone." Heechul excused himself and he went outside to call Donghae.

"What the hell? Why did you gave my number? Now he's asking me to hang out with him. It's been years-" Heechul exclaimed but he tried to lower his voice.

"Exactly. It's been years. You should at least talk to him before he goes back to China. I thought that you already moved on?" 

"I am but, I don't even know what to say if I'm going to meet him." Donghae sighed.

"Closure." Donghae immediately hang up the phone. He took a deep breath and he gathered all his strength to reply Hankyung's text.

I have a hectic sched for the whole week. I'm only free later. Is that okay? - Heechul

Sure. - Hankyung

He went back to the meeting.

"So it's decided then? One last format change then if it's still not working, we're going to cancel it?" The producer asked and everyone agreed. Some casts decided to go home but Janghoon insisted that they should eat before going home. He asked Kyunghoon to come and he agreed. 

"How about you Heechul?" Janghoon asked.  Heechul didn't answer, he was spaced out while walking. 

"You sure you're okay? You're not your usual self." He added.

"I'm fine." He answered softly. He said as he walked faster to exit the building.

When he entered the restaurant where they were supposed to meet, it slowly brings back memories he spent with Hankyung back in the day. Hankyung always insists to eat there because it reminds him of his hometown - the atmosphere and the smell of noodles coming from the kitchen. After work, they even separate with their other band members to eat there. It was their special place. He saw Hankyung sitting in the corner while looking at the restaurant's menu.

"It-it's been a while." Heechul greeted him. Hankyung quickly stood up and hugged him. 

"How are you?" He added and then he sat in front of him.

"I got piled up with projects in China. I'm here in Korea to shoot a scene. Luckily I sneaked out to find you."

"Hankyung, I'm going to tell you straight to the point why I agreed to meet you." Hankyung nodded.

"This is a bit awkward for me. I haven't heard you for years and you know how hard I tried to contact you? Because we never had a chance to finish our conversation before you left." Heechul controlled his voice then bit his lip.

"I know, it's been years and I believe that both of us already moved on but we should at least make some closure." He continued.

Heechul loudly knocked on Hankyung's door, he opened it up and Heechul immediately went inside his room.

"You're leaving the band and you didn't even fucking tell me?" Heechul said angrily. He saw his clothes on the floor with his luggage right beside it. Hankyung didn't answer and rushed to put the clothes on the luggage.

"Where the fuck are you going?"

"Going home because I don't want to be in this band anymore." Heechul was puzzled because he knows that he's lying. 

"I know you love our band. And I was the one who wanted to leave remember? But you stopped me because you said that you'll be here for me no matter what."

Hankyung rolled his eyes and rushly zipped his luggage.

"Well I lied." Heechul frowned as he moved closely to him.

"Is there something wrong? Because it feels like you're hiding something from me."

No respond.

"How about your bandmates? You told us that we're your family and all we've through? You're going to throw that all away? How about me? Everything you said to me were all bullshit?"

"You know it's wrong." He paused. Heechul's eyes slowly wet with tears.

"And we should stop it before everyone finds out. You know what will happen if we continue this." He added with a cold voice.

"And you're okay with that? Leaving everything behind? Leaving without even telling me is the only solution?"

Hankyung hesitated.

"We should forget whatever happened between us... we should forget how we feel for each other."

 

Chapter Text

Chapter 4

"This time, I want you to be honest with me. Please, tell me what really happened because I know that you're lying when you told me you wanted to break up with me." Heechul said.

Hankyung hesitated.

"What do you want to know?" He asked.

"Everything." 

Hankyung quietly staring at their manager, Hyunseok who he is also glaring him back. He sighed as he slowly put the newspaper in front of him. In the right side of an article; it is a picture of a comedian named Seokcheon.

"Do you know him?" His manager calmly asked him. Hankyung looks at him with confusion in his face.

"Seokcheon, one of the greatest comedian in this country. He has countless appearance in variety shows, sitcoms and dramas. Everything went well for him until he said something that made his career went downhill. Do you know what he said?" 

"Why are you telling me this?" 

"Do you know what he said?" Hyunseok repeated his question but this time, with a tone of anger. Hankyung shook his head.

"He proudly announced that he's gay. His career was killed off by the media." 

"How does that have anything to do with me?" Hyunseok hit his hand to the table and he quickly point his finger to Hankyung's face.

"Don't fuck with me. I know everything and I know it's going on for years now!" He shouted.

"You two are fucking disgusting. You didn't even try to think about the consequences? What were you thinking?! The rumor about you and especially Heechul is already spreading like a fucking wildfire. If this shit continues, everything you've worked for? Will simply vanished." Hyunseok added as he lit a cigarette.

"What do you want me to do?" He quietly asked.  Hyunseok immediately stared at him with smug smile in his face.

"Heechul is a rising star in the industry. Everyone even TV producers love his witty and charismatic personality. Compared to you? I could see his potential to be a great entertainer in this country. He isn't useless unlike you - people won't bat an eye if you leave." Hankyung glared at him. Hyunseok sat in front of him and handled a contract.

"Fine. I will let you choose whether you wanted Heechul to grow and succeed or both of your career will sink to the ground and people will remember you as disgrace in the entertainment industry. Is that what you want? If you really love Heechul then, you are willing to give up everything for him." He added, Hankyung finally burst out crying as he stared the contract.

"I'm sorry if I didn't tell you.. and I'm sorry I broke my promise." Hankyung said softly. 

"I didn't regret it. I made the right choice. Your band is doing fine and you? You became one of the in-demand celebrities out there and you're more famous than before." He added.

"And as for you; you can finally do what you really wanted. Our agency is against it but now.. you're doing well." Hankyung nodded.

"I also met someone. I met her in a TV show and she's cheerful, kind and overall great personality probably that's the reason why I fall for her." Heechul looked at him and his face brightened as he mentioned her. 

"You must really love her." Heechul forced to smile.

"We're dating for two years now and I'm planning to marry her. How about you?" 

"I'm still single. I tried to date someone two years ago but as expected, it didn't end well." He paused.

"You always wanted to have a family on your own and now look at you, things went well for you." Heechul continued.

                                             ***

When Knowing Brothers' format changed, their ratings went up. The chemistry within the casts changed and they became closer than ever. The producers also putting effort to invite famous guests to appear in their show. One time, they invited Sunny, one of Heechul's closest friend, and she revealed a lot about him which of course he denied. The shoot went well and everyone is currently having fun. While on break, Sunny caught Kyunghoon staring back at Heechul but when he noticed her, he immediately avoid her eyes and pretended that he was doing something. Sunny laughed and said,

"Kyunghoon is looking at you. So cute, is there something going on?"

"What the fuck are you saying?" He responded jokingly.

"I don't know, the way he looks at you? I can't believe after fanboying him, you finally met him and got close with him. Lucky." She teased him, Heechul rolled his eyes and he immediately dismissed whatever she's implying.

"I like his voice. Nothing's going on." 

After the break, they're going to shoot for the next segment. Sunny will act as a DJ and they will all pretended to be interviewed by her. She called Heechul and as usual, Heechul played as an arrogant and disrespectful celebrity. He acted rudely as he pretended to ignore Sunny's commentary but then she struck back and said,

"So Heechul, you recently told the public that you came out from the closet and confirmed that you're currently dating Kyunghoon." His eyes widened and forcely laughed.

"What?"

"I let you remember. You're the lovebirds in the industry. You and Kyunghoon. What do you find adobrable about him?" Heechul sighed and he looked at Sunny grining at him.

"Uhm, my Hoonie, he complains a lot but he's actually kind. When we're alone, he would tease me and poke me in my side and stuff."

"We have a surprise for you, Kyunghoon is here to support you." Kyunghoon laughed when he entered the room and sat beside him.

"I heard the way Kyunghoon proposed to Heechul is by rapping his feelings for him. I think it's sweet, could you re-enact it?" Sunny teased Heechul. Kyunghoon jokingly rapped how he "feels" for him.

"Okay so I'm and even our viewers are glad that you came here in our station and agreed to get interviewed so thank you!" Kyunghoon and Heechul stood up. Kyunghoon asked to shake hands with Sunny and he jokingly said, "No feelings."

Sunny laughed and he immediately hug Heechul.

After the shoot, they all went home because Heechul doesn't have any schedule other than the shoot of Knowing Brothers; he decided to play his favorite game, League of Legends. While he's playing, there is a pop up stating that Kyunghoon is online. He smiled and invited to play with him. He agreed. They've been playing for seven hours now and both of them are still enjoying the game then suddenly Heechul received a message from Kyunghoon.

Heechul-ah, just wondering if you're okay? - Kyunghoon

Yeah, I'm fine why? - Heechul

You seem off earlier. You're not your usual self. Sorry for being nosy. - Kyunghoon

And you always tease me whenever you see me so I thought that you're not okay. Hahahaha.- Kyunghoon

I'm sorry - Kyunghoon

Stop saying you're sorry, at least you cared for me. - Heechul and sent a cute emoji.

I'm just tired. - Heechul

I thought I already told you, don't overdo it! Look at me, I'm chill. Hahaha. - Kyunghoon

Yes. Thank you, my ssamja! - Heechul

After months of deliberation, the agency announced the winner of the contest named Hankyung. They said that he's from China and the reason why he was selected because he's musically gifted. The winner of the contest will immediately become a member of Heechul's band which will be the reason why he was hated; he didn't undergo in harsh training and sleepless nights like them so he received bad treatment from his other members. At first, it wasn't easy for Hankyung especially he's still bad at Korean so he always feel left out by them. 

Everyone went out to eat, Hankyung is the only one who left in the dorm. He's eating all by himself while watching television when suddenly Heechul came out from his room and immediately find his band members. 

"Where are they?" He asked. He's not close with Heechul but he's the only one who treated him fairly. He seem cold but he's the only one who took care of him.

"They said that they'll eat outside." He replied awkwardly. He sighed as he sat right beside him.

"Then why are you here?" Hankyung didn't respond.

"I see, aren't you tired of eating noodles all the time?" Hankyung smiled awkwardly as he ate more noodles.

"You know what, let go outside. I'll treat you." Hankyung's eyes widened as Heechul grabbed his wrist and quickly pulled him and ran to the door. 

"Where do you want to go?" Heechul asked. 

"Uhm, I miss Chinese fo-" he replied shyly.

"Chinese food it is." They went on a restaurant and it is Heechul's first time to see Hankyung happy for months. He's the one who ordered and he excitingly ate the dumplings. He told Heechul to try it and surprisingly likes it. 

"Hankyung, you should ignore our band mates. They're just jealous of you but trust me, they're eventually get over it." Hankyung nodded.

"Thank you Heechul, hyung."

After that, they both becoming close to each other. Hankyung got used to him - his sarcastic replies and distant personality with other people. He slowly memorized everything about him - his likes and dislikes. For years, Hankyung got used to cooking for him everytime he'll come home from work and he'll do anything for him which made Heechul dependable on him. 

Every four months, Heechul will date another girl and they would only end up for two weeks up to two months.

"Three weeks. Wow, that's very unexpected of you." Hankyung jokingly said as he pack his clothes. It's more than a year since he saw his family back in China so he asked the agency if he could spend his vacation there. They agreed and requested to go back after two weeks.

"Me either; I really think that that she's the one. We both like each other." Hankyung laughed and replied,

"You already said that to your last girlfriend." Heechul tied his shoelace and looked at Hankyung who is still busy folding his clothes in the living room. He shook his head and said, he believes that this time, it's different.

He saw his one-year-older girlfriend waiting for him in the corner. She's wearing white top shirt and a flowy skirt - she looks amazing. Heechul greeted her and proceeds to kiss her cheeks. The girl blushed as Heechul sat beside her. She told him that she already ordered and he didn't mind it. While waiting; as expected, Heechul started to flirt with her - whispering sweet and cheesy pick up lines to her ears. When they received their food, the girl flirtingly fed him Bokchoy with carrots on it. Heechul is shocked and tried not to retch his food. 

Two hours later, Hankyung was surprised because Heechul went home early. He suspected that something happened with their date. Hankyung just finished cooking for dinner.

"We broke up." Hankyung called it.

"You broke up with her? I thought she's different from other girls you've dated?"
"It's her fau-" he stopped as Hankyung handled him the food to make him feel better. He noticed that he doesn't have carrots on his plate.
"You don't put any carrots?"
"Well yeah, you hated them right? I'm pissed when you put it all aside and never eat it. It's kinda wasteful."
Heechul smiled and happily ate it.
"You're done packing? Promise me that you will bring some chinese instant noodles when you come back here. Okay?" Hankyung nodded as he went to the kitchen and gave a tea set to him.
"What's this? You know I'm not a fan of tea."
"Yeah but I heard, tea can reduce stress. I don't want to see you end up in the hospital again. You should drink it to calm yourself." He said jokingly.

 Heechul didn't respond.
"Hey promise me." He looked at him and replied, "Yes." Heechul sighed as he stared Hankyung packing his clothes.
"I'll miss you."
"Me too." As he stared at his eyes, his heart raced. He then looked at his lips and his mind went blank. Something urges to kiss him so he did. He opened his eyes and immediatly moved away from him.

It was awkward.

"I'm sorry. I-I really am. I don't know what made me do this and... and - this is wrong." He stuttered.
"I know." Hankyung moved closer to him and murmured as he kissed him back.

Heechul sighed. He's having a dilemma whether he wanted to ask if wanted to go out and hang out with him. There's nothing wrong with it, he knows that he only wants to get him know better. 

Hey, Kyunghoon? - Heechul

Yeah? - Kyunghoon

We should hang out sometime. - Heechul

Hm. - Kyunghoon

You know, you should at least go out once in a while! Hahahaha. - Heechul

I am, but I'm not free this weekend. - Kyunghoon

Why? You have a date? Our Kyunghoonie is in love! - Heechul

Yes. - Kyunghoon, followed by a cute emoticon.

Chapter Text

Chapter 5

He never fails to miss a day without singing the song, Tree. Every time Heechul and I will meet each other; he'll say,

"Probably Tree is one of your underrated songs. I really like it so much! "

Even we first met in Knowing Brothers? The first thing that he said to me,

"Tree is my favorite. I love the genre." He giggled.

It wasn't popular as Cowards. It wasn't as successful as You Don't Know Men. It wasn't as well-received as Thorn. A lot of people criticized it saying, "It's not our genre" or "Buzz isn't great than they were used to be." so it flopped - it never reached to charts.

How do I put this? It's not... it's not that I dislike our song - I mean it's still OUR song but whenever I hear the word, it reminds me the harsh reality of being an idol. There will be a time where you'll be on top and be loved by everyone but as time passes, expect the changes. You will grow up and they will move on.

That's my first impression of him that left long lasting impression on me. 

Heechul and I are different. Just like Soeun, everybody likes him and everybody wants to get close with him. I get why he's popular. Despite of his sharp-tongue and straightforward personality; he is caring and fun to be with. Because of his wittiness, he never fails to make everyone - to make me laugh. Unlike me, I'm okay being friends with few people that I know that I can trust. He's also a clingy guy. He always hug me from my back, he always ask me to kiss him on his cheeks and he frequently hold my hand. For me, I'll be fine with it as long as I'm close with him but we're not! Not going to lie; at first, he made me feel awkward whenever I see him but why? Why the hell I'm starting to feel longing from it? Why do I feel glad whenever I see him? Do I mistaken his friendly teasing into flirting?

"Kyunghoon. Believe me, you're funny without even trying." Heechul laughed.

"See? You're good at motivating me." Heechul heard a ringtone from his phone. He opened the text message from his assistant saying that he was already there.

"My assistant is here. See you next week." Heechul smiled. He moved closer to me and suddenly kissed me on the cheek. As he went to his car, I walked away while smiling.

Why do I feel this way? He clearly doesn't like me. I know he only treat me as his friend. 

Heechul is staring blankly like he's flustered. I looked at him, something's definitely wrong. Hodong snapped him out by repeatedly calling his name.

"You should pay attention-"

"I'm sorry, something came up and I just need to call someone." Heechul excused himself my eyes were fixed on him while going outside and looks like he's going to call someone. Ten minutes later, he went back to our meeting.

When it's finally over, Janghoon approached me and asked if I wanted to go and eat with them. I glance at the direction where Heechul's standing and replied,

"How about Heechul?" Janghoon laughed.

"Knowing him? He's always in."

Well everyone is coming and this might be the last time we'll see each other and eat with them so why not? Plus... he's there. I agreed but when Janghoon asked him, Heechul looks like he's in a hurry and said that he's busy.

"That's a first." Janghoon added.

I am a guy. I am- I.. I've always seen him flirting with another guy and he clearly stated that he does it to poke fun of his rumors. I've always seen him flirting with different girls who he genuinely likes. So I should expect that I will never hear the words that I always wanted and longing to hear. Should I keep it to myself? I should probably ignore it.. it'll go away. It'll go away. It'll go away.

Hey, do you want to go out somewhere? - Kyunghoon

Sure. - Solbi

Solbi is an amazing girl, no doubt. I- she's charming, witty and funny. She's pretty as well. She was guest on Knowing Brothers, we were paired up by my cast members. And I don't know why I did it but I asked her to exchange our numbers. I-I am having second thoughts. I mean after a year, she was invited as a guest on my other show so probably that's a sign? But something's wrong.. I'll just try it maybe in this way, it'll go away.. right?

Solbi was one of the guest again in Knowing Brothers and as expected everyone teased us. I think they were already suspicious that something's going on between us. Saying that "we're too close". They're not wrong, we've been in a relationship for months and somehow..the way how I feel with Heechul? It's slowly fading. After the first segment, we took a break and suddenly Heechul approached me and asked,

"So you are dating Solbi?" 

I already said that it slowly fading but there's a part of me wanting to see his jealous face. I looked at his eyes and I nodded. He smiled and he congratulated me.

"I'm happy for you! I mean you two really look good together." His voice didn't crack and it did sound enthusiastic and sincere. I was disappointed. As soon as Solbi entered our room; and of course, my pathetic self gazed at him while leaving the room.

Second segment, the casts and guests were paired up and pretended that we were their "husbands". So we played a game where we will find our "wives". We will wear blindfolds and guess whether it was our "wives" by touching their hand. When it's my turn, second and sixth hand seems familiar. Solbi and I are always hold hands so I should know this. 

"I think I get more vibe from number two but number seven felt special!" I said.

I'll choose number two. I feel connection to this person...

"So who will you choose?"

"Number two!" I hold that person's hand.

"I love you my wife!" As I opened my eyes, I hear laughter. Heechul was in front of me while I hold his hand. I can't believe it. It was him. I laughed and lightly slapped him.

"Why are you even there?!" He hugged me and someone pointed out that my ears are getting red.

After the show, I went to Solbi's dressing room and asked her if she wanted to go out and went for dinner but as we leave, I saw Heechul standing from afar while looking at us. 

                                                ***

Heechul and I are invited in a TV show called Taxi and it's our first time to hang out outside Knowing Brothers. We were interviewed inside the taxi about our personal lives. Heechul told them about his injured legs and it still hurts and as for me, I told them about my band. The hosts asked us where we wanted to go and Heechul suggested his house. That's odd.. the last time we went there, he was furious. But I get it, it was a surprise visit. He made a scene; he absolutely hate it. And then suddenly the hosts asked about our relationships.

"I never stayed in a relationship.. probably we only lasted for two weeks to a month. I think the longest will be two months?" Everyone is shocked including me.

"How about you Kyunghoon?"

"I don't know, I think six to seven years? Something like that." The MCs were amazed.

"Heechul.. you should learn from Kyunghoon." One host teased him. We all laughed.

When we finally arrived at his house. Everything looks the same. Everything is in red - his sofa, table and even his gaming chair. There's not enough furnitures. There's nothing on the fridge and there's no cooking equipment at all - it felt empty. He toured us around his house and we went to a room where it has a cabinet that displays album of his favorite bands and gifts from his fans too but something catched my attention.. a guitar pick in the corner. It felt familiar.. when I looked closer, it has my signature on it. Sunghee's party? After the shoot, the MCs thanked us and left. 

"I'm curious.. the guitar pick? You're the one who asked for my autograph?" I asked. Heechul laughed while staring at me.

"You honestly forgot? We talked for a brief moment and suddenly you left the party." 

I'm still confused. He giggled as he opened the cabinet and pulled out a cute box. He gave to me and gesturing that I should open it. Buzz's album. From our first single to our recent one.

"If I'm going to be honest, when I heard you live.. I started to admire your band especially your voice."

I took our first album out from the box and the CD looks like it has been played for many times based on the scratches.

"I thought you were joking.." I murmured.

"No! I already told you, I am a fan. I used to play your album every night 'till my bandmates hated me." He laughed.

"But I never had a chance to go in your concerts because I'm also busy promoting our band." He added. I looked at him.. he's genuinely smiling back at me. Then he pulled out our latest album, Memorize.

"But this one.. this one is my favorite. I maybe biased but.. Tree is in this album." He's doing a cute face while holding it..

It left long lasting impression on me.. Tree.. that word sounds different now. 

Heechul.. I should stop denying it now. I'll admit.. I do like you.

                                               ***

2017. Months passed, I became more confident in variety shows. Everything seems okay, my band is doing fine - we do some gigs and I have some offers of new shows. One time Hodong invited the casts to eat in one of his restaurants for Knowing Brother's anniversary.

"I can't believe that we're still going!" Soogeun said and he laughed.

"Yeah, we're in the edge of desperation." Hodong joked.

"Hey something's different about you Kyunghoon! You rarely go outside but now? You stay late. I'm actually proud." Janghoon said. Everyone agreed and laughed.

"I see you two are getting close. Is that Heechul's influence?" Sangmin added. I saw Heechul glanced at me but I pretended I didn't see it.

"Yeah, he's getting productive. He has lot of shows now! Actually, he's getting better in variety shows! He's funny!" Youngchul said.

"Kyunghoon is funny." Heechul replied and smiled at me so I smiled back at him. Hours later, Hodong, Soogeun, Sangmin and Youngchul went home. Janghoon, Heechul and I stayed for more hours and  we talked a lot but then Janghoon saw his classmate from middle school and asked us if he could hang out with him, of course we agreed. We decided to go home and call it a night. My manager isn't available so I'll drive my own car as well as Heechul's. We parked at the basement so we went together.

"Are you going home or.. you're going to meet your girlfriend?" Heechul asked. I smiled and looked down.

"We broke up a month ago." Heechul is shocked as he stared at me.

"You and Solbi are cute together! Why?"

"It's a mutual dumping." I said while laughing but Heechul seems down and disappointed. He didn't even smile.

"We both agree that we should end it.. throughout our relationship, it felt like we're only friends who are just hanging out. Yes, we go out, hold hands and kiss each other but nothing really happened. I'm shocked that we both feel the same way but we're still friends so.." 

"I'm sorry, Kyunghoon." 

"Don't be. It's also my fault. One of the reasons why we broke up is that.. I told her that I like someone else. I keep those feelings for a long time but she understands it." 

"You liked someone else? Do I know her?" He seems eager to know who it is.

"You know that person pretty well." I smirked.

"Why do you keep it to yourself? Your feelings?"

"Because I know I'll be rejected. I can sense that person doesn't feel the same way." Heechul's brows knitted.

"Rejected? You? You're the greatest and kindest guy I've ever met. I doubt that. Besides, you will never know unless you're going to tell her." He smiled. 

I just stayed quiet.

"They said that the more you resist your feelings, the more you fall for that person." He added.

I stopped walking while I watch Heechul walking ahead of me.

"Then I like you." I said it softly. Heechul is still walking while replying, "There you go! Tell that to her!" 

"I like you, Kim Heechul." I repeat it but this time with a louder voice. He stopped as he turned around and stared at me with a confused look.

"W-what?" He stuttered.

"I tried to stop it. I tried to deny it but I failed. I failed to stop myself in falling in love with another guy. But I just can't.. you're right.. the more I resist it, the more I fall for you." My eyes welled up. I keep this feelings for years.

"I just love how you make me laugh. I like how you hold my hands and hug me from behind. I-I like how you take care of me for all these years. You're sweet and- and-"  I added.

"Kyunghoon, you're just confused. I- you just broke up with your girlfriend. This is just-" He does sound frustrated.

"We broke up because I can't stop thinking about you. I know you only see me as your friend or even as your younger-" I stopped as he mentioned my name.

"Kyunghoon, I don't feel the same way." He said, emontionless.

Chapter Text

September 6

Janghoon is patiently sitting while waiting for his castmate, Heechul, in a Korean Barbeque Restaurant. The waiter started serving shot glasses and side dishes on their table. He can't resist to notice the tissue beside him so he immediately wiped his shot glass. He examined the glass if it's spotly clean or not. Soon after, he heard a familiar laugh from afar. Heechul has finally arrived.

"I've been here for an hour!" Janghoon exclaimed.

"Traffic.. plus, our shoot extended for two hours." He replied with an exhausted voice.

"At least, tomorrow is your day off. Here have some drink." Janghoon put soju on Heechul's shot glass.

"Eventhough you're exhausted, you are still looking great." He added. Heechul blushed and puzzled at the same time.

"Out of nowhere?" Heechul joked and added, "Honey, I always look beautiful." Janghoon rolled his eyes while laughing.

"Seriously, I am your friend right? Tell me something; be honest. Are you currently dating someone? These past few months, you seemed happy." Heechul's eyes widened and his eyebrows furrowed.

"Just because I'm happy doesn't mean I'm dating someone. Is it wrong that I'm happy because I have shows and our group is having a comeback?" Janghoon giggled as he ate the meat.

"You don't have to be so defensive. You're not the only one who seems active and cheerful lately."

"Who?"

"Kyunghoon. Looks like he's dating someone too." Heechul was drinking when he suddenly choked when he heard it from Janghoon.

"He's not that desperate anymore. He also doesn't flirt with anyone. Do you know who it is?" He added. Janghoon observed Heechul's actions, it seemed like he's avoiding and uncomfortable with the topic. He laughed it off and said,

"How should I know? Ask him." Janghoon started to become suspicious on how Heechul acted. He called his name and confronted him about it. 

"Listen, for these past few months.. you two are a bit suspicious.. like there's something going on." Heechul laughed and looked at him in the eyes.

"Hyung, there's nothing going on between us." He answered with serious tone.

"What happened in New Year's eve? You two went home together, right?"

Heechul sighed.

 

December 31

It turns out Kyunghoon is right.

Heechul rejected him. 

December 15 was their last shooting for Knowing Brothers as for this year. He thought that it will be awkward between them but it wasn't - like nothing happened. Kyunghoon was cheerful as usual. As for Heechul, he kept looking at him and part of him wanting to tell he's sorry for what happened but he stopped himself. If Kyunghoon already moved on then he should too. 

It is exactly twenty-six days since Kyunghoon confessed to Heechul and it's been twenty-six days since he can't stop thinking about it. They don't talk after the shoot and he isn't that active in League of Legends nor in their group chat. If he'll be online, Heechul is scared to invite him.

To celebrate the end of the year, Youngchul invited the cast members of Knowing Brothers in his house. Hodong wasn't there because he left the country for his vacation. Everyone is there except Heechul because as expected, he's late. Again. While they're waiting for him, Kyunghoon distributed his gifts for them.

"Sorry if I only gave your gifts just now. I worked hard to choose what's suitable for each one of you." He joked. Everyone was in awe. They didn't expect it from Kyunghoon. Janghoon got a designer polo shirt, Sangmin got an expensive watch, Youngchul got an expensive accessory as well as for Soogeun. The doorbell rang. Youngchul opened the door and greeted Heechul.

"You won't believe what Kyunghoon got for us! Looks really expensive." Youngchul said with an excitement. As he went inside the house, everyone greeted him.

"Kyunghoon thank you!" Soogeun said as he wore the accessory that Kyunghoon gave to him. Heechul sat a bit far from Kyunghoon so he could avoid the awkward tension between them but suddenly, Kyunghoon approached him and gave a red box.

"That's your gift? A lunch box?" Sangmin asked. Heechul awkwardly received it and thanked him.

"I thought he is your favorite and closest hyung?" Youngchul joked. Heechul smiled as he slowly opened it. Inside of it was all of his favorite foods.

"Still looks expensive to me. I won't even give my children that expensive lunch box." Soogeun also joked.

"Remember when we went to your house? You don't have any food in your fridge so I made you some especially it's New Year's Eve. Sorry if it's not that good.. I'm not a great cook though." He said sincerely. Heechul find it sweet and thoughtful. They spend hours talking nonsense until Soogeun talked about relationships. He's they only one in the group who is currently married.

"It's exhausting to get married again." Janghoon said while Sangmin is agreeing with him. Everybody laughed.

"I think Kyunghoon and Solbi are doing fine. There's a hope that there will be a couple in the group that will last long." Soogeun interrupted. Heechul glanced at Kyunghoon who is awkwardly smiling.

"We broke up months ago." Everyone was shocked.

"I can't believe it! I thought you guys were happy!" Soogeun added.

"Well it didn't work out."

Heechul remained quiet.

"Solbi looks perfect for you. I can't believe that you let go a person like her." Youngchul replied.

"You're still young and handsome. For sure, you can find someone better." Soogeun said.

"Fate will find you someone better." Janghoon emphasized and gazed at Heechul's direction.

"How about Soohyang? I can sense that she likes you too." Sangmin added. Kyunghoon quickly dismissed it because he knows that she's way out of his league; besides, he knows that a lot of actors are already asking her out.

Heechul quietly stood up and went to the kitchen.  He sighed while washing and rubbing his hands. He gather himself and went back to them.

"Ey, even if Heechul will date someone, he won't last a month. For God's sake, he's a playboy." Soogeun joked.

"What about me?" He asked while smiling.

"Be honest, are you seeing someone?" Janghoon asked. Heechul glanced at Kyunghoon and his reaction immediately changed.

"No." He replied quietly.

"I thought you're desperatety wanting to get married? Why are you still single?" Sangmin joked. Heechul answered with a shrug.

After an hour, they decided to go home. They all separated ways until Kyunghoon noticed that Heechul is too drunk. He was standing in front of Youngchul's complex building while waiting for his assistant to pick him up.

"Heechul.. do you want me to drive you home? It's already late and looks like it will snow." Kyunghoon asked and Heechul hesitated but later on he agreed. He immediately texted his assistant that his co-worker will drive him home.

Throughout the trip, they both can feel the awkward tension. Heechul kept looking at Kyunghoon when he finally had enough and broke the silence.

"They're right. You should probably ask Soohyang out. It looks like she likes you." Kyunghoon smiled.

"I thought you like her too?"

"Nah, she prefers someone who is the opposite of me.. which is you."

"Why? You made me fall for you." He jokingly replied.

"She deserves more."

"Why do you always do that? You're always doubting yourself."

"Why not? My relationship doesn't even last for a month. I'll just end up making her cry." Kyunghoon smiled as he gazed at him.

"I probably told you this when I confessed but I'll say it again, despite of your sarcastic and carefree personality, I fall for you because you're thoughtful and fun to be with. I like you because you're you. You shouldn't doubt yourself, people already like you because you're you. Hey, I thought you're confident that no one will reject you?" 

Heechul laughed.

"I am a type of person who is as much as possible doesn't want to be attached with a person.. because I know that there's a possibility that the person will eventually leave me. But as time comes, I became more desperate - more scared that I might regret that decision in the future."

"I think that's the reason why your relationship doesn't last long. You overthink too much. Isn't it enough that the person already loves you?" Heechul looked at Kyunghoon for a long time and smiled. 

"That reminds me of someone."

Heechul rest his head right beside of the car's window while looking down. 

"Sounds like that person knows you pretty well." 

"Which is why I fall for him." He smiled. Kyunghoon glanced at him and he quickly focused his eyes on the road.

"H-him?"

Heechul giggled.

"Probably the longest relationship I ever had."

"H-him? I thought you're straight?" Heechul laughed loudly.

"I'm complicated.. but, he's exactly like you. Quiet and cute. I'm not usually like this - you know? Friendly with other people. I had a cold personality; no one dared to approach me because they were scared. But he was the one who encouraged me to be more approachable. Even after we broke up, he made me realize to be independent."

"You broke up with him because?"

"Do you know why I rejected you? Because I got scared. I got scared that you might do something like he did. I know it's cheesy but.. he sacrificed to quit the band because of me. He knows that if everybody will discover our relationship then we're gone in the industry.. But at least, he's happy now."

"He's getting married for fuck sake."  He added. Kyunghoon remained quiet as he stared at Heechul.

"I'm sorry that I rejected you. I'm sorry that I got scared." Kyunghoon stopped his car and pulled it over.

"Do you really think that I'll do that?" He asked.

A long silence filled inside the car.

"Do.. you.. like me?" He added.

 

September 6

Janghoon stared at Heechul's watch.

"You two are becoming so close lately.. Hell! You even kissed him in front of the camera."

"He kissed me." He emphasized.

"Besides, it's for the camera. It's for fanservice. The producers encouraged us to do a 'lovey-dovey' shit on camera." He added. Janghoon still insisted that there's going on between them so he hold Heechul's arms and asked about the watch.

"How about this? Kyunghoon also have this watch! You started wearing this after your birthday!" Heechul laughed.

"So you're implying that he gave me this watch on my birthday? You're ridiculous, hyung. You're only good at guessing inside the show! Please stop assuming everything.. nothing's going on."

"Are you sure? Are you being honest?" Heechul looked to his left side and immediately ate a meat.

"Yes. I am." Janghoon sighed.

"Listen, I shouldn't be the one who should say this but I like Kyunghoon.. he's like a son to me. And.. he obviously likes you." Heechul chuckled as he looked at his hyung.

"What? He likes you too. I like him too as a FRIEND." 

"N-no.. he LIKES you. He acts different when he's with you. He's soft and seriously.. even if he doesn't watch TV shows? He'll watch it because you're in it! Anyway, even if you probably don't feel the same way? I hope you will take care of him. Please? Just be nice to him." He said genuinely. Heechul smiled and answered,

"Yes.. I will."

After hours of drinking, they decided to go home. Heechul said that he'll wait for his assistant to pick him up in the parking lot. As for Janghoon, he said that his manager is already waiting for him at the back of the restaurant. Heechul said his goodbye and immediately went to the parking lot. A minute later, Janghoon received a text message saying that his manager is in the parking lot because the security said that waiting in the back or in front of the restaurant is strictly prohibited. He sighed and proceeds to go to there. Then, he saw Heechul smiling as he sat right beside of the driver's seat. When the car was going ahead to the exit, Janghoon supposedly going to approach him and say hi but he stopped as soon as he saw the driver's window lowered down.

It was Kyunghoon.

After the car exited, Kyunghoon immediately closed the window.

Janghoon smiled and went happily to his manager.

 

December 31

"I told you, I've always like you since I saw your live performance.. but I refused to admit it." Heechul answered.

"Like what I've said, you overthink too much. Just give me a chance - just give us a chance. If we won't last for a month then I'll admit to myself that we're not for each other.. whatever happened in your past and in my past should be left forgotten."

11:58.

Heechul remained quiet.

11:59.

 "It's new year after all right? New-" he stopped.

12:00.

The colorful fireworks filled the sky. Time stops between the two of them as Heechul kissed Kyunghoon for a whole minute.

"Happy new year."

 

Chapter Text

"Someone's busy." I teased.

Kyunghoon is sitting in a table at the back of the corner of the digital audio workstation. There are crumpled papers, empty bottles and coffee cups all over the place - it's a mess. He looked frustrated and exhausted but as soon as he saw me, his reaction changed. His face became brighter. His bandmates went home except him because he wanted to finish his song. 

"It's late.. I thought you have early schedule tomorrow morning?" He asked while I sat beside him.

I nodded and replied, "Yeah, but I want to check on my boyfriend before going home." 

He smiled.

"Because your bandmates told me that you haven't eaten yet so.. I brought you a burger. Midnight snack." I added while showing the take-away paper bag.

"But I am on diet." He pouted.

"I still find you cute even if you're chubby! Besides, I went to the other town to buy this for you."

"You went to other town to buy a burger? You could have just order in Burger King or Mcdonalds." He answered while giggling.

"Because I heard they make great burgers.. if you don't want then-" I said while sulking. He smiled and grabbed the paper bag on my hand then he pinched my cheek.

"You're cute when you're sulking." He joked then he kissed me on my cheek which made me smile.

"You're still working on your song?" I asked. He nodded as an answer. I tried reading some of it but he immediately snatched those papers from my hand.

"Don't.. I still can't think of what I want to write."

I rolled my eyes. I noticed that that there were instruments on the recording studio. Out of curiousity, I checked it out. It's been a while since our band released an album. I went to the isolation room and sat down in the piano bench. Kyunghoon followed me inside the room and he sat beside me.

"You can play piano?" He asked. I just smirked and started playing his song, Coward.

"Mianhamnida gojak naran sarami dangsineul michin deut saranghamnida." (I'm sorry. Just a small person like me, loves you insanely.) I sang. I can see Kyunghoon smiling in the corner of my eye. As he leaned his head in my shoulder, he closed his eyes while humming the song. In the chorus, he starts to sing with me. He has a charming and powerful voice - it was kinda embarassing to sing with him.

 "Geudaeman naneun gidarimnida" (Only for you I wait.) He opened his eyes soon as I hit the last key of the piano.

"You sounded beautiful." He said softly. I furrowed my eyebrows and laughed at him because I thought he was joking.

"I sounded bad, that's why I became a drummer.. just because we're dating, doesn't mean you have to lie to make me feel better." I joked. He shook his head and sighed.

"I mean it. You should have try singing in your band." He looked directly in my eyes and somehow he sounded genuine. I blushed and tried to look away to avoid his stare. He laughed as I hold his hand.

"Why?" He asked.

"I-It's my first time hearing a compliment about my voice.." I stuttered. He laughed louder and affectionately poked my nose.

"I meant everything I've said." He said. God, Kyunghoon. You know I hate being compliment but here you are. I tried to hide my blushed face so I stood up and went to the drum throne.

"Because you complimented me, I will play drums which I'm good at."

"Come to think of it, it's my first time seeing you playing drums!" He said excitedly while laughing.

I wanted to make him proud and amazed on what I'm good at so I tried playing the hardest song that I know. Even if I am focused on my beat, I can't help seeing his reaction - his eyes were fixed on me even his dimples were showing. When I'm done playing, I stood up and bowed. He clapped loudly while shouting my name.

"Did I do great?" I asked.

"You exceeded my expectation." He flirted.

"Let's go now, I'm starving." He added while doing an adorable voice. Kyunghoon carried the paper bag and sat on the floor. He gestured to sit down with him.

"Kyunghoon, you know I am a clean freak. I hate sitting down on the floor." But he tried to act cute by blinking and pouting at me. I sighed and sat with him so he grinned and happily ate his burger.

A long silence started to fill the room when suddenly he stared at me and said, "I know the actual reason why you came here." I just stared him back.

"Are you okay?" He questioned. I tried to smile but he knows me too well.

"I heard that he finally announced to the public that he's engaged and he's getting married next year." He added. I sighed as I moved closer to him and hugged him tightly.

"I. chose. you. We made a decision that we'll forget our past." I whispered. He smirked and kissed me for a minute.

I'll be lying if I told myself that I'm over with Hankyung. Sure; time to time.. I'm still thinking of him. Those what ifs still consistently pops into my head.. But I know that I made the right choice. Because when Kyunghoon came in to my life, I already considered it one of the best thing that ever happened to me. I never knew that the person that I once idolized is going to be my boyfriend someday. Like what I've heard from someone, "Fate moves in mysterious ways."

Kyunghoon and I are way different even he doesn't deny it. In the first few months that we've been together, we tried to adjust with each other's personalities - what he wants and what I want. I don't hear him complaining with my hectic schedules; in fact, he adjusts and tries to understand it. We spend our time by playing our favorite game. Yes, sometimes we go in a secret date but most of the time, we prefer to be at home and rest. It's a bit weird for some couples out there but, we both like it.

He is one of the few people who actually made me do something that I don't like and one of the few people who makes me do that I've never done before. He encourages me and makes sure that he's always there for me. 

                                                ***

"You're dating Kyunghoon aren't you?" Sunghee asked.

"Why does everyone assume that we're dating? Just because we're close doesn't mean we're in a relationship." I lied.

Sunghee smiled smugly.

"Oh please. It's obvious. Besides.. Kyunghoon admitted it." His voice sounds confident then he drank his beer. I furrowed my eyebrows with a shock on my face.

"He did what?! I told him not to tell anyone. Are we really that obvious?" He nodded.

"When we confronted him, he easily got nervous so he confessed. It was funny. But don't worry, we understand him. You really have an irresistable charm." He joked while laughing.

"We won't tell anyone. Our lips are sealed.. Hey! So that's why you gave us jackets, you wanted our approval. But for real, I'm happy for the both of you. Kyunghoon looks different than before. He's more cheerful and sociable; on the other hand, you became more confident and livelier. You two managed to bring out the best in each other. I think you two are indeed meant for each other." He added.

"We're not sure about that. We're still you know.. we're just dating." Sunghee once again smirked as he gulped 'til the last drop of beer.

"And you're also not sure if you aren't meant to be. Look at me and my wife; after all that we've been through, we're still together." I smiled and I toast my beer with his empty glass.

"I know. So congratulations for your anniversary." We both laughed.

"How about Kyunghoon? He's not coming?"

"He has schedule so I went here on behalf of him" I joked. 

A woman came. She looked stunning with an off-shoulder, tight, fitted dress. Sunghee choked soon as he saw the woman. She approached us with a bright smile.

"Is that your ex?" I teased. He cleared his throat and answered, "No. Kyunghoon's ex."

I froze.

She hugged Sunghee and congratulated him. Sunghee was surprised that she came to the party, it's been five years since he last saw her. But promise is a promise. She promised that she'll come if one of the members will celebrate their anniversary. Her attention shifted to me and shook my hand as her smile widened.

"Heechul? Oh my god. I am a fan of yours! I watch your shows and I just love how crazy you are. By the way, I'm Soeun." We both smiled at each other but then she excused herself to go to Sunghee's wife. 

"That was awkward." He replied with a soft laughter.

"You're still friends with her?" I asked.

"We met before Buzz debuted. She's really supportive. She watched every show that we had." He added.

"So that's why she looked familiar.."

"Kyunghoon almost marry her but she dumped him.."

Sunghee smirked and tapped my right shoulder. He probably saw that I was a bit distraught.

"Don't worry, she's married with two sons." Sunghee replied.

I couldn't believe that I spent my evening with Soeun and surprisingly, I enjoyed her company. Everybody in the party cheered for her stories and adored her witty humor. As the night deepened, the more I get to know her and how close she was with Buzz. I realized that she knows Kyunghoon more than I do... things that he changed just to make me happy. But what really struck me the most are these words, "I think Soeun and Heechul have similar personalities."

The next day, we finished shooting an episode for Knowing Brothers. Throughout the shoot, I tried to be funny as always but soon as the camera stops.. I'll return to my old self. Everyone was gone except Kyunghoon. He visited on my dressing room while still wearing the show's uniform. 

"You didn't reply to me last night. Did you have fun?" He asked while he leaned right beside the make-up table. I nodded as I stood up and fixed my things.

"I met Soeun." I said quietly then faced Kyunghoon. His eyebrows furrowed and replied, "Really? I didn't expect that she'll come.." 

"And I spent time with her and the funny thing is, she reminds me of myself." Kyunghoon slowly walked toward me, puzzled.

"Be honest with me?"

"Sure." He hesitated.

"Do you like me because you see me in her?" 

He didn't answer.

"Because our similarities are uncanny. It's like spending the female version of me but better. I felt insecure when she started telling stories. Fuck, who am I to compare and compete with her? You guys lasted for seven years. Of course she knows you well." I added. My voice started to crack as my eyes started to swell. 

"You're doubting?" He asked. I looked down, pressed my lips.

"Because.. I am sure how I feel about you. I love you just the way you are.. Probably there are similarities but you know what differs from you and Soeun? She's lesser complicated and she was confident on why I chose her." He tried to control his angered voice. 

The day ends with our first fight.

Kyunghoon reminds me of Hankyung and Kyunghoon sees me in Soeun. Did we fall for each other because we are stuck in our past? Are we just confused? Am I really in love with Kyunghoon for who he is or because I'm desperate to replace my past with someone who's the same as him?

I told my bandmates that I am dating Kyunghoon to ask for advice. They're not even surprised.

"Just break up with him." Kyuhyun said.

I've always done it. I break up with other people with petty things so why I shouldn't?

"You know why you can't do it? Because you're already attached to him. And I'll be frank, sometimes... it's hard to understand you. You overcomplicate something that you shouldn't. You already admit it, you love him and he loves you too. Isn't that enough? I think you should have give him more faith." He added.

We didn't talk for days. We shoot Knowing Brothers pretending that we're close and nothing happened. But I miss him.. his laugh, his hug and his kiss. It was midnight when the first snow falls. I immediately went inside the condominium to warm myself when suddenly the receptionist called me.

"We received your package because you weren't in your unit." The receptionist said.

Weird, a package?

"Who is it from?"

"It looks like it is a nickname.. 15." I thanked her and proceeded to my room. 15? Who will send a package whose name is a number? I guess whoever sent this is a troll. I looked at the package and saw that it was sent months ago. When I opened it,  there was a cd and a paper. It was written that it was from Kyunghoon.

 

Heechul,

I actually wanted to give you this on our first anniversary but because our album is releasing before our anniversary.. I want the first one who will hear the song that I composed, is you. The last time we released an album, it wasn't popular.. it was criticized and.. now we're given again a chance to release a new one.. we all wanted it to be a great single - you know, with memorable songs like your favorite Tree. So I got pressured and frustrated that I couldn't think of anything.. but then you came in the recording studio.. I got inspired.. so I dedicate this song for you. I know you hate cheesy things but I just wanted to thank you. Thank you for being with me, thank you that you made me feel that I am loved when you my hold hand. I promise to love you and I'll prove to you that I won't leave you no matter what. 

P.S I let somone credit as the composer because people might speculate things..

I played the cd. Looks like it was recorded in a cellphone recorder.

 

Interlocked Hands (Because it's You) 

by Min Kyunghoon

I tried to avoid you
Because I was severly lacking
They say that love that isn't blessed 
End painfully


Whenever I see you
I start smiling like a child
Because it's also my first time to experience
A day, with no fear


It's because it's you
That's right, I can only see you
Why would there be any reason
When it's you who I love
I know it will hurt more
I'm sorry for that
Even if I lose all else
I will never let go your hand


I'm not saying empty words
I miss you to death
I can't stop my feeling that
I can only live by hearing your voice at least


It's because it's you
That's right, I can only see you
Why would there be any reason
When it's you who I love
I know it will hurt more
I'm sorry for that
Even if I lose all else
I would never let go your hand


Whatever criticisms, it will be okay
I will take all of it. Please stay by my side
My love
It's because you're you
I like you because you are you
You are the love that I have nothing to fear


Even if it hurts, please endure it.
I will do better
Even if I lose all else
I will never let go of your hand
I will never let go of you who I love

 

Soon as the song stops, my tears start to fall. I couldn't stop crying. I quickly grabbed my phone and dialed his number. While waiting him to pick up, my mind filled with regrets. I was selfish... he's always the one who adjusts and understands my situation.

"Heechul? It's past midnight.. you're still awake?" I finally heard his voice.

"Where are you?" I asked with a shaky voice then I sniffed.

"I just finished work.. are you okay?"

As expected, he's the first one that will ask if I'm okay.

I received a message from Kyunghoon while playing League of Legends.

Heechul-ah, just wondering if you're okay? - Kyunghoon

Yeah, I'm fine why? - Heechul

You seem off earlier. You're not your usual self. Sorry for being nosy. - Kyunghoon

And you always tease me whenever you see me so I thought that you're not okay. Hahahaha.- Kyunghoon

He knows me well enough. He knows that there's definitely wrong with me...

“You shouldn’t overdo it.” Kyunghoon said as  I looked at my phone again but still no message.

“You should go inside, I’ll handle it. I’ll wait it for you.” Kyunghoon added.

“No, it’s okay. It’s fine!”

“I insist. You should go inside and take a break. Besides, I wanted to stay here.” I gave my phone to him and went inside.

I'm sorry, Kyunghoon if I didn't give you enough trust. I was too insecure why you chose me.

"Y-yeah.. I just want to hear your voice.." I replied. I miss hearing his chuckle. He took a deep breath and said, "So you received the package?" 

"Yeah.."

"Kyunghoon, I want to hear the song from your actual voice. Please?" I begged.

"You called me to hear me singing the song for you?" He laughed.

"Please?"

I'll manage to forget all my confusions.. but at night, this stupid thought will start to linger my mind. Doubts will form again telling me that it's too good to be true. That eventually, everything we have right now will fade and soon will be forgotten - that "us" won't last long. 

He starts to sing - his voice sounds soft but powerful at the same time.

"Even if it hurts, please endure it. I will do better. Even if I lose all else, I will never let go of your hand. I will never let go of you, who I love." 

But the funny thing is; when the morning comes, all of it will disappear. Because once I hear his voice? There's an assurance.. reminding me that he won't let go.

"Happy advanced anniversary, Heechul. I will always love you." He added with a sweet whisper.

"I love you too." I answered.

We're still in the present and in the present, I am with him and I'll cherish every moment with him.