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From: Millicent Bulstrode, Unspeakable
To: Harry Potter, Senior Auror
Location: Department of Magical Law Enforcement, Cubicle 4, Level 2
Subject: Bet #1
Status: Won

Dear Mister Potter,
This interdepartmental memo is to inform you that the bet you took last Friday night at the pub was rightfully won by Hermione Granger, Unspeakable (and colleague of the undersigned).
As required by the betting rules, she successfully made Plinius Thompson, Head of the Department of Mysteries and blandest person to ever walk this earth, sing ‘Bewitch Me Baby, One More Time’ by the Weird Sisters in a staff meeting.
The fact that she achieved her goal by telling him it was the incantation for a new spell she was developing makes me wish she had Sorted Slytherin. Sadly, she’s a Gryffindor through and through. Let’s just say her recklessness has its advantages on occasion.
So, in a nutshell: we won. You lost. Suck it.
-Millicent Bulstrode

 

From: Harry Potter, Senior Auror
To: Millicent Bulstrode, Unspeakable
Location: Department of Mysteries, Deadly Sins office, Level 10
Subject: Bet #2
Status: Won

Dear Madam Bulstrode,
This interdepartmental memo is to inform you that—
You know what? YOUR turn to suck it.
Team Aurors wins, Team Unspeakables LOSES.
Ha.
-Harry Potter

 

From: Millicent Bulstrode, Unspeakable
To: Harry Potter, Senior Auror
Location: Department of Magical Law Enforcement, Cubicle 4, Level 2
Re: Subject: Bet #2
Status: Won

Man, that one was embarrassing. And you’re bragging about it?
Sweet Merlin.
-Millicent Bulstrode

 

From: Harry Potter, Senior Auror
To: Millicent Bulstrode, Unspeakable
Location: Department of Mysteries, Deadly Sins office, Level 10
Re: Re: Subject: Bet #2
Status: Won

The bet was to fart in a Ministry lift containing no less than three people. When Plinius, Kingsley and Gawain all walked into the same lift as me, I saw an opportunity and took it.
You think I’m sorry? Nah. I hate those lifts with a passion. Just standing in one makes me shut down like I’m having a panic attack. Releasing some tension felt pretty good, let me tell you. Along with the knowledge I was desecrating the birthplace of half of my nightmares.
Plus, all our bosses were there and got to enjoy it. The funniest part was everybody giving each other the side eye and wondering… ‘surely it cannot be Harry Potter who…?’ The benefits of being the Saviour of the Wizarding World, eh? Which means I had double the balls to do it, so the Unspeakables are paying double the rounds next Friday.
Cheers!
-Harry

 

From: Millicent Bulstrode, Unspeakable
To: Harry Potter, Senior Auror
Location: Department of Magical Law Enforcement, Cubicle 4, Level 2
Re: Re: Re: Subject: Bet #2
Status: Won

Tsk. Didn’t I mention something about reckless Gryffindors, last time?
Fine. You win. By the by, will your boyfriend Draco join us for the next pub night?

 

From: Harry Potter, Senior Auror
To: Millicent Bulstrode, Unspeakable
Location: Department of Mysteries, Deadly Sins office, Level 10
Re: Re: Re: Re: Subject: Bet #2
Status: Won

How would I know? Stop calling him my boyfriend. It’s ridiculous. We’re friends. That’s all.

 

From: Millicent Bulstrode, Unspeakable
To: Harry Potter, Senior Auror
Location: Department of Magical Law Enforcement, Cubicle 4, Level 2
Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Subject: Bet #2
Status: Won

Oh, just innocently enquiring about my dear friend Draco, that’s all.
You usually seem to know an awful lot about his schedule, is all I am saying.

 

From: Harry Potter, Senior Auror
To: Millicent Bulstrode, Unspeakable
Location: Department of Mysteries, Deadly Sins office, Level 10
Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Subject: Bet #2
Status: Won

Only because he’s Head of Forensics, and I’m often in his lab. For work-related reasons.

 

From: Millicent Bulstrode, Unspeakable
To: Harry Potter, Senior Auror
Location: Department of Magical Law Enforcement, Cubicle 4, Level 2
Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Subject: Bet #2
Status: Won

Riiiiight.
Work.

 

From: Harry Potter, Senior Auror
To: Millicent Bulstrode, Unspeakable
Location: Department of Mysteries, Deadly Sins office, Level 10
Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Subject: Bet #2
Status: Won

I know what you’re doing, and Ron says I should stop enabling you. Just go back to the dark hole you call an office, and think of a harder bet, next time.

 

From: Hermione Granger, Unspeakable
To: Harry Potter, Senior Auror
Location: Department of Magical Law Enforcement, Cubicle 4, Level 2
Subject: Bet #3
Status: Won

Hi Harry!
Millicent won your bet! But you already know that, I think. After all, you were in the cafeteria queue with us while Millie lectured the lunch witch on a series of cat facts (all of them alarmingly untrue).
The difficult part of the task was to last for a total time of four minutes, and she filibustered for SIX WHOLE MINUTES (Ron was more pissed about the time he lost on his lunch break than about losing the bet. Ask him. He whinged about it all evening yesterday).
Anyway! Sorry, sweets. I’ll admit it’s fairly hard to beat me. Or Millie. I’ve a renewed respect for my cold hearted, strong-willed colleague.
Love,
-Hermione

 

From: Ronald Weasley, Senior Auror
To: Hermione Granger, Unspeakable, also Best Wife in the World, Sorry I won against you, love <3
Location: Department of Mysteries, Time-turner Research office, Level 10
Subject: Bet #6
Status: Won

Hi love,
I managed to say the names of five vegetables during our staff meeting this morning and Harry chimed in and added three more, so technically Team Aurors wins one more round.
Between Harry’s previous uncontrollable farting and me replacing the word ‘wand’ with ‘aubergine’ when Robards asked me about our latest investigation, our boss is starting to worry about our (physical and mental) health.
Whatever. It was worth it.
See you tonight, babe.
Love you <3
-Ron
PS: Harry says ‘suck it,’ but you know I’d never.

 

From: Hermione Granger, Unspeakable, it’s all right, darling, don’t worry, Millie and I will win the next one <3
To: Ronald Weasley, Senior Auror
Location: Department of Magical Law Enforcement, Cubicle 4, Level 2
Re: Subject: Bet #6
Status: Won

Oh, Ron, you know you don’t have to ask me to suck it. I never do anything if not wholeheartedly.

 

From: Harry Potter, Senior Auror
To: Hermione Granger, Unspeakable
Location: Department of Mysteries, Time-turner Research office, Level 10
Subject: PLEASE STOP
Status: I beg of you

Or at least label your explicit correspondence to your boyfriend as ‘PERSONAL’. Please remember I also read the memos. And now I’m scarred for life.

 

From: Draco Malfoy, Head of Forensics
To: Ronald Weasley, Senior Auror
Location: Ministry cafeteria, in front of a half-eaten roast beef sandwich, probably
Subject: Auror/Unspeakable Betting War
Status: Don’t give a tiny Flobberworm’s arse what the status is

Hello Weasley,
As you are well aware, your dear friend Potter asked me for a favour yesterday. Said favour contributed to your team winning the most recent installment of your ridiculously childish ‘betting war’ (ugh).
My question is, am I getting paid for my time?
Regards,
-Draco Malfoy

 

From: Ronald Weasley, Senior Auror
To: Draco Malfoy, Head of Forensics
Location: Forensics Lab, Level -17
Re: Subject: Auror/Unspeakable Betting War
Status: Pretty sure you DO give a tiny Flobberworm’s arse, Malfoy

‘Lo, Ferret Face Malfoy,
Paid?
Like you didn’t thoroughly enjoy helping Harry with that bet.
Cheers,
-Ron Weasley

 

From: Draco Malfoy, Head of Forensics
To: Ronald Weasley, Senior Auror
Location: Ministry cafeteria, that roast beef sandwich must be gone by now, you absolute glutton
Re: Re: Subject: Auror/Unspeakable Betting War
Status: Stop with the insinuations, please

Dear Weasley,
I am sure I don’t know what you mean.
It was a chore and a half.
-Draco Malfoy

 

From: Millicent Bulstrode, Unspeakable
To: Draco Malfoy, Head of Forensics
Location: Forensics Lab, Level -17
Subject: Bet #9
Status: Won (I cannot believe it, you—)

Hey Draco,
A little birdie told me it was you who helped Potter with that perfect winged eyeliner he was sporting yesterday (which was — what a coincidence! — the challenge I laid down: wear black eyeliner for a full day at the Ministry).
I’m sorry we left you out of the betting game, babes. You see, you weren’t at the pub the night it was launched (your dear lab mate, Zacharias Smith, was, though. Perhaps you should blame him, he who hasn’t even the common decency to let his colleagues know he’s leaving for the pub).
As much as it pains me to see a fellow Slytherin excluded from the fun, Draco, rules are rules: only the people present on that fateful night can play. Next time, please consider that, lest you get your BFF de facto excluded.
Cheers, babes.
-Millie
PS: Well done, though. Potter looked delicious with eyeliner, didn’t he?

 

From: Hermione Granger, Unspeakable
To: Draco Malfoy, Head of Forensics
Location: Forensics Lab, Level -17
Re: Subject: Bet #9
Status: Won (at what cost??)

Dear Draco,
Look, I don’t want to sound like a wet blanket, but participating teams are supposed to win bets all on their own.
Helping is cheating.
Regards,
-Hermione Granger

 

From: Draco Malfoy, Head of Forensics
To: Hermione Granger, Unspeakable
Location: Department of Mysteries, Time-turner Research office, Level 10
Re: Re: Subject: Bet #9
Status: Won (oh sweet Merlin. How long are we going to argue about this)

Dear Granger,
I prefer the term ‘consultancy’.
Regards,
-Draco Malfoy

 

From: Hermione Granger, Unspeakable
To: Draco Malfoy, Head of Forensics
Location: Forensics Lab, Level -17
Re: Re: Re: Subject: Bet #9
Status: Won (are you kidding me right now?)

Dear Draco,
Harry could have asked Ron for help.
Regards,
-Hermione Granger

 

From: Draco Malfoy, Head of Forensics
To: Hermione Granger, Unspeakable
Location: Department of Mysteries, Time-turner Research office, Level 10
Re: Re: Re: Re: Subject: Bet #9
Status: Won (okay now)

No offense, but Weasley applying decent eyeliner?
Scoff.
-Draco Malfoy

 

From: Hermione Granger, Unspeakable
To: Draco Malfoy, Head of Forensics
Location: Forensics Lab, Level -17
Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Subject: Bet #9
Status: Won (stop being an arse)

Draco,
Did you actually write the word ‘scoff’?
-Hermione Granger

 

From: Harry Potter, Senior Auror
To: Draco Malfoy, Head of Forensics
Location: Forensics Lab, Level -17 (near that cauldron that always oozes navy blue smoke, I reckon)
Subject: Bet #9
Status: Won (sorry!!)

Hey Draco,
Wow, I didn’t anticipate the epic proportions this would take on.
Sorry I asked you to help. You seemed like the best person for it, though. I’ve seen Ron’s handwriting. I don’t trust him with a pencil around my eyes. And you looked like you could handle some more… delicate… er… tasks.
Anyway. Thanks.
-Harry

 

From: Draco Malfoy, Head of Forensics
To: Harry Potter, Senior Auror
Location: Department of Magical Law Enforcement, Cubicle 4, Level 2
Re: Subject: Bet #9
Status: Won (don’t be sorry)

Harry,
Are you saying my long, delicate gay fingers are better equipped to put make-up on you?
-Draco

 

From: Harry Potter, Senior Auror
To: Draco Malfoy, Head of Forensics
Location: Forensics Lab, Level -17
Re: Re: Subject: Bet #9
Status: Won (uh.)

Draco,
I never said anything about gay.
-Harry

 

From: Draco Malfoy, Head of Forensics
To: Harry Potter, Senior Auror
Location: Department of Magical Law Enforcement, Cubicle 4, Level 2
Re: Re: Re: Subject: Bet #9
Status: Won (it’s fine)

I’ll admit I’ve done much gayer things than this in my life.

 

From: Ronald Weasley, Senior Auror
To: Hermione Granger, Unspeakable
Location: Department of Mysteries, Deadly Sins office, Level 10 (I know you’re in Millicent’s office, love. At some point, you’re going to have to stop pretending you’re NOT friends with that mad Slytherin bint)
Subject: [PERSONAL] Harry’s ‘issue’
Status: not betting war-related

Hey love,
Remember when we talked about Harry’s crush on Malfoy?
Well. I don’t know exactly what Malfoy did to Harry the other day, when he put eyeliner on him down in his lab, but Harry came back with pink cheeks, wearing a big, deranged smile. He was a mess, I’m telling you. I swear he stared at the wall across his desk for a good half hour.
If I didn’t know why he’s acting like this, I’d actually be worried.
Should I tell him?
Love,
-Ron

 

From: Hermione Granger, Unspeakable
To: Ronald Weasley, Senior Auror
Location: Department of Magical Law Enforcement, Cubicle 4, Level 2
Re: Subject: [PERSONAL] Harry’s ‘issue’
Status: not betting war-related

That he’s desperately in love with Draco?
I don’t know, Ron. If he hasn’t realised yet, it seems cruel.
Love,
-Hermione

 

From: Ronald Weasley, Senior Auror
To: Hermione Granger, Unspeakable
Location: Department of Mysteries, Deadly Sins office, Level 10 (hope you’re not letting Millicent read over your shoulder!!)
Re: Re: Subject: [PERSONAL] Harry’s ‘issue’
Status: not betting war-related

Seems crueler not to tell him.

 

From: Hermione Granger, Unspeakable
To: Ronald Weasley, Senior Auror
Location: Department of Magical Law Enforcement, Cubicle 4, Level 2
Re: Re: Re: Subject: [PERSONAL] Harry’s ‘issue’
Status: not betting war-related

Of course, I would rather know, in his place. But that’s me, isn’t it? Knowledge is lucidity, lucidity is power, power safeguards against going through life without noticing you’re madly in love with a Slytherin git your soulmate, etc.
But what do you think would be best for him?
Love,
-Hermione

 

From: Ronald Weasley, Senior Auror
To: Hermione Granger, Unspeakable
Location: Department of Mysteries, Deadly Sins office, Level 10 (Fine. I’m going to assume you’re not showing any of this to Millicent)
Re: Re: Re: Re: Subject: [PERSONAL] Harry’s ‘issue’
Status: not betting war-related

Harry would tell you Malfoy is not a git anymore.

 

From: Hermione Granger, Unspeakable
To: Ronald Weasley, Senior Auror
Location: Department of Magical Law Enforcement, Cubicle 4, Level 2
Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Subject: [PERSONAL] Harry’s ‘issue’
Status: not betting war-related

Still, Harry is hardly objective. I think it’s the whole goggle-wearing, crisp white lab robes-sporting, cartoon mad scientist look that Malfoy has going on for himself these days.

 

From: Ronald Weasley, Senior Auror
To: Hermione Granger, Unspeakable
Location: Department of Mysteries, Deadly Sins office, Level 10
Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Subject: [PERSONAL] Harry’s ‘issue’
Status: not betting war-related

I could have lived a happy, carefree life without the knowledge that my best mate had a thing for blond gits in goggles and white lab robes, but you had to remind me, didn’t you?
:)

 

From: Zacharias Smith, PhD, Forensics Associate
To: Millicent Bulstrode
Location: Department of Mysteries, Deadly Sins office, Level 10
Subject: FML
Status: FML times a thousand

Dear Bulstrode,
Would you please make your next bet something along the lines of ‘Potter cannot come down to the Forensics lab for at least a WEEK,’ because this just won’t stand.
It’s either Potter hovering by the beakers, poking his fat fingers in the petri dishes, messing with DMLE evidence, and giggling like a schoolgirl with Draco, OR an extra moody, extra quiet Draco on days when Potter doesn’t show up.
All things considered, I prefer the latter, but no matter. This whole awkward dance has to stop. I’ve work to do. This isn’t conducive to a productive work environment. Find a way to END IT.
Regards,
-Zacharias Smith, PhD

 

From: Millicent Bulstrode, Unspeakable
To: Hermione Granger, Unspeakable
Location: Time Nerds office, the one next to the cool one (mine)
Subject: Bet #11
Status: Proposal

All right. That’s IT.
Since we’re being nagged left and right about it (you may have chosen to live with Weasley, but nowhere does it say I have signed up on receiving pissy memos from bloody Zacharias Smith, bloody PhD), I’ve an idea for the Aurors’ next bet…
Meet me at the cafeteria when you’re done researching whatever nerdy stuff you get off on.
-MB

 

From: Hermione Granger, Unspeakable
To: Millicent Bulstrode, Unspeakable
Location: Ministry Cafeteria (you forgot your cardigan when you left, shall I bring it down to your office?)
Re: Subject: Bet #11
Status: (excellent) proposal

I love it. Let’s do this.
-HG

 

From: Harry Potter, Senior Auror
To: Draco Malfoy, Head of Forensics
Location: Forensics Lab, Level -17
Subject: Bet #11
Status: Pending

Hi Draco,
Mmh. The Unspeakables sent me the next challenge. I’m going to need your help. Again. I think?
Can I come down to the lab?
-Harry

 

From: Draco Malfoy, Head of Forensics
To: Harry Potter, Senior Auror
Location: Department of Magical Law Enforcement, Cubicle 4, Level 2
Re: Subject: Bet #11
Status: Pending

Hi Harry,
The last time I helped, it earned me a mild scolding from your friend Granger. She’s incredibly hung-up when it comes to rules.
Besides, Millicent told me she’d cut my balls off and wear them as earrings if she caught me helping you again. We can’t have that. As much as I care about my balls, I think we all agree they’d make the world’s most distasteful jewelry.
-Draco

 

From: Harry Potter, Senior Auror
To: Draco Malfoy, Head of Forensics
Location: Forensics Lab, Level -17
Re: Re: Subject: Bet #11
Status: Pending

Thing is… you’re explicitly mentioned in the bet.
So I think they both expect your participation.
-Harry

 

From: Draco Malfoy, Head of Forensics
To: Harry Potter, Senior Auror
Location: Department of Magical Law Enforcement, Cubicle 4, Level 2
Re: Re: Re: Subject: Bet #11
Status: Pending

Oh?
I’d offer for you to come to the lab, but Smith’s forehead vein is already bulging from all your memos flying in and out, so maybe stay away for now if we want to avoid a vein-tastrophe?
-Draco

 

From: Harry Potter, Senior Auror
To: Draco Malfoy, Head of Forensics
Location: Forensics Lab, Level -17
Re: Re: Re: Re: Subject: Bet #11
Status: Pending

Fine.
I’m too embarrassed to discuss this face to face, anyway.
Please find the bet attached to this memo.
-Harry

 

From: Draco Malfoy, Head of Forensics
To: Harry Potter, Senior Auror
Location: Department of Magical Law Enforcement, Cubicle 4, Level 2
Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Subject: Bet #11
Status: Pending

Harry,
Memo (and bet) received.
Oh.

 

From: Harry Potter, Senior Auror
To: Draco Malfoy, Head of Forensics
Location: Forensics Lab, Level -17
Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Subject: Bet #11
Status: Pending

See?
This is even more embarrassing than I feared.
Ugh.

 

From: Draco Malfoy, Head of Forensics
To: Harry Potter, Senior Auror
Location: Department of Magical Law Enforcement, Cubicle 4, Level 2
Subject: Okay.
Status: Pending

Harry, wait—
I never said I wouldn’t do it.

 

From: Harry Potter, Senior Auror
To: Draco Malfoy, Head of Forensics
Location: Forensics Lab, Level -17
Re: Subject: Okay. (Okay?)
Status: Pending

You’d be keen?

 

From: Draco Malfoy, Head of Forensics
To: Harry Potter, Senior Auror
Location: Department of Magical Law Enforcement, Cubicle 4, Level 2
Re: Re: Subject: Okay. (Did I stutter?)
Status: Pending

Anything to help a friend.

 

From: Hermione Granger, Unspeakable
To: Millicent Bulstrode, Unspeakable
Location: Ladies’ Room, stall 5
Subject: OMG IT’S HAPPENINGGGGGG
Status: Absolute chaos

OH. MY. GOD.
ohmygod.
MILLICENT.
IT WORKED.
Draco was waiting in the queue for lunch when Harry just. Walked up to him and. Grabbed him by the front of his lab robes and. KISSED HIM.
GOT ON HIS TIPTOES AND ALL!!!
It was the most adorable thing!!!!!
MILLS. GET OUT HERE. PEOPLE ARE CHEERING.
-Hermione

 

From: Millicent Bulstrode, Unspeakable
To: Hermione Granger, Unspeakable
Location: Ministry cafeteria, table 3
Re: Subject: OMG IT’S HAPPENINGGGGGG
Status: I’m trying to take a WEE here!

Oh fuck me, I take ONE (1) bathroom break and these two idiots KISS??
I’m coming, I’m coming. God.
-Millicent
PS: tell me everything. Was there tongue?
PPS: you call Harry and Draco kissing adorable? Girl, please. Come up with a more accurate description next time.

 

From: Hermione Granger, Unspeakable
To: Millicent Bulstrode, Unspeakable
Location: Ladies’ Room, hand dryer 2
Re: Re: Subject: OMG IT’S HAPPENINGGGGGG
Status: all hell breaking loose, etc.

Draco totally slipped him the tongue. Harry looked like he couldn’t. Get. Enough. ‘For a bet’, my arse. They’re LOVING IT.
And, yes, it was uncomfortably hot, okay? It’s my best friend we’re talking about. It’s like watching family kiss. But hotter.
Okay now, people are shooting confetti and Kingsley has been gaping for a good two minutes and the lunch witch is holding her face and crying tears of joy. IT IS CHAOS (happy, blissful chaos).
WHAT’S TAKING YOU SO LONG??
-Hermione

 

From: Harry Potter, Senior Auror
To: Draco Malfoy, Head of Forensics
Location: Forensics Lab, Level -17
Subject: Tonight?
Status: Pending

Hi Draco,
Thank you for helping me win the bet.
It was Good. Amazing. Fucking mind-blowing. Merlin your tongue.
It was good.
Yeah.
Okay.
So it’s pub night tonight and all, but I was wondering if you’d like to go out for dinner instead?
(It would be cool. No pressure. I’m breezy.)
Cheers,
-Harry

 

From: Draco Malfoy, Head of Forensics
To: Harry Potter, Senior Auror
Location: Department of Magical Law Enforcement, Cubicle 4, Level 2
Re: Subject: Tonight?
Status: Accepted

Harry,
Sitting all night on a sticky leatherette seat squished between a drunk Weasley and an equally drunk (but still abysmally dour) Smith, or having dinner with you? Hmm. My heart wavers.
I’m kidding. Let’s ditch those dolts and find something a little more civilised.
-Draco
PS: actually writing that you’re ‘breezy’ kind of defeats the purpose, Potter.

 

From: Harry Potter, Senior Auror
To: Draco Malfoy, Head of Forensics
Location: Forensics Lab, Level -17
Re: Re: Subject: Tonight?
Status: Accepted (Cool. Cool cool cool.)

Draco,
That’s brill. I’ll pick you up at 5?
-Harry
PS: you know what the others are going to do tonight, if we’re not at the pub? They’ll probably start a betting pool on whether or not we’re somewhere shagging.

 

From: Draco Malfoy, Head of Forensics
To: Harry Potter, Senior Auror
Location: Department of Magical Law Enforcement, Cubicle 4, Level 2
Re: Re: Re: Subject: Tonight?
Status: Accepted (Smith is giving me the side eye)

Harry,
5 o’clock is perfect. Looking forward to eating out.
Dinner, I mean.
-Draco
PS: oh, another betting pool, you say? That’s one bet I’m willing to put good money on.

 

From: Harry Potter, Senior Auror
To: Draco Malfoy, Head of Forensics
Location: Forensics Lab, Level -17
Re: Re: Re: Re: Subject: Tonight?
Status: Accepted (Deal and deal)

Draco,
Let’s win the fuck out of this thing.
-H