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Don't Kiss Me

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        Soulmates were stupid. That was what (Y/N) (L/N) thought, anyways. He could care less who the universe thought he should be with. So as a big 'fuck you' to the universe, he slept with as many people as possible. Okay, so maybe it wasn't a 'fuck you' instead of a 'let me fuck you', but to him it still counted. He never kissed anyone, either. Not on the lips, at least. He didn't want to allow the universe the satisfaction of him finding his soulmate. He figured he would just never kiss anyone properly and ignore that he was supposed to have a soulmate. 

        He had come to the conclusion that that was how he would live his life in sophomore year of high school and he was doing a good job of it until the first day of senior year. 

        Connor Murphy was troubled. He was angry, and depressed, and, quite honestly, a stoner. And (Y/N) liked him. The first day they had sex was the first day of senior year. It wasn't the best he had ever had, but it was memorable. Afterwards, Connor had paused at the door when he was about to leave and (Y/N) insisted he stayed the night, worried about the look in Connor's eyes. He couldn't quite put his finger on what emotion was showing in them, but it scared him, so he had Connor lay down with him, and let him wrap his arms around his body, reveling in the surprisingly comforting warmth of another human body. 

 

        He hadn't kissed him that night. In fact, it took him two months to rake up the courage to do it. 

        They were in Connor's room, on his bed when he decided to try. It had been a long day at school and they'd been at Connor's house for an hour now without doing anything. 

        (Y/N) turned to lean over Connor, their faces inches apart. He let his lips travel to Connor's throat, licking and sucking at the skin there. Connor let out a shivering breath, arching his back up off of the mattress to try to press their bodies together. 

        It took a few minutes for (Y/N) to open his mouth and ask, but he did. He leaned away and looked Connor in the eye. 

        "Can I kiss you?"

        Connor blinked, surprised. "I, oh- are you...sure? Yes. Yeah," he stuttered, running a hand through his hair before letting it fall to the mattress. 

        (Y/N) leaned forward, one hand cupping Connor's cheek, while Connor lifted his hand again, and let it rest on the small of (Y/N)'s back. They both let their eyes slip closed a moment before their lips touched.

        The kiss was good. It was soft, and sweet, and everything (Y/N) figured a first kiss should feel like. He felt a swelling in his chest and he was suddenly elated and terrified at the same time, because he was sure that when he opened his eyes his world would finally be different. But that was fine, he thought, because if it was Connor, it was fine.

        When they let their lips part (Y/N) waited a second before opening his eyes. His heartbeat pounded in his ears. When he opened his eyes his breath hitched and he suddenly felt tears pricking at his eyes because the world wasn't different. There were no colors. (Y/N) felt panic rise in him, and he thought for a split second that the entire thing was a joke. There were no such things as soulmates or colors. They were a cruel joke that he'd been told as a kid and now he was finally experiencing the humiliation of it. 

        (Y/N) jolted back, sitting at the other end of the bed, fingers touching his lips, his face contorted into a look of despaired shock. Connor sat up, looking unbearably sad, then panicked as he scooted closer to the other boy. 

        "You're bleeding."

        And it was only then that (Y/N) tasted the blood in his mouth. Only then realized that he was biting his bottom lip so hard that he had broken into the skin.

        "I was just..." (Y/N) looked down at the quilt covering Connor's bed, tears beginning to roll down his face. "I was so sure."

        "Hey. Hey," Connor said, pulling (Y/N)'s hands into his lap. "Fuck the universe. It can't stop us from-" he gestured between the two of them "-this."

        (Y/N) let himself fold against Connor's body, pressing his face into the other boy's neck and wrapping his arms around Connor's shoulders. He let out a shaking sigh. "The universe is bullshit," he mumbled. 

 

        The universe, however, seemed to get it right. For Connor, at least. About a month after their kiss, Connor ended up kissing some kid named Evan. 

        "You what?" (Y/N) asked, feeling pieces of his heart fall down to his stomach with each passing moment. 

        Connor sat awkwardly across from him on the couch. "It just sort of...happened." 

        "We were - you said - what happened...what happened to 'fuck the universe'?" 

        "He's my soulmate."

        (Y/N) felt his anger flare. "Fuck you," he said, standing and grabbing his bag, the beginnings of tears blurring his vision.

        Connor stood to follow him, blocking his path from the door. "(Y/N) wait, I, l-"

        "You could've at least had the decency to break it of with me before kissing someone else." (Y/N) shoved Connor away from him and left.

        When (Y/N) got into his car he tossed his bag into the passenger seat and gripped the steering-wheel tightly, not putting the key in the ignition. He took in a few panicked, heaving breaths before leaning his forehead against the steering-wheel and letting out a string of desperate sobs. He felt alone. 

 

        He had met him the week afterwards.

        Connor kept trying to talk to him, and now, for some reason, the Evan kid kept trying to come up to him with an apologetic look in his eyes. But he always ran the other way or coldly told them to fuck off. He let out his aggravation through sex. He had found a partner who liked it a bit more rough than the average person might and put all his efforts into pounding the guy into the mattress whenever they were together.

        His name was Jared Kleinman, and, to be honest, (Y/N) hadn't really thought of him as a guy he'd really be into until he was actually making out with him in the back seat of his car. It had been Jared's idea to begin with. He had propositioned him one day when he was at his locker. He said he had noticed the tension between him, Connor, and Evan, and wanted to help out. (Y/N) had looked him up and down and pursed his lips before going along with it, because this guy was so not Connor, and (Y/N) figured he needed to try to move on. 

        He never kissed him. He had learned his lesson. Never again. But that doesn't mean that Jared didn't try to kiss him. 

 

        The first time was during the third time they had sex. Jared had his arms wrapped around (Y/N)'s shoulders and was letting out the most obscene noises (Y/N) had ever heard during sex before. Connor had never been this vocal, and while they would never be able to discreetly do anything while there were parents in the house, it was a nice change. 

        "Fu-CK!" Jared moaned. He let out a long string of noises, each one more intense than the last, as (Y/N) rammed into him, angled to hit the perfect spot every time. Jared tightened his grip on (Y/N)'s shoulders, pulling him closer. "Kiss me!" 

        (Y/N)'s hips sputtered to a stop. "What?"

        "Fuck, (Y/N). Just kiss me."

        "I...no."

        Jared let out a slightly strangled sound. "Please."

        "I can't," (Y/N) said, then rolled his hips in an attempt to distract him.

        "Aaah-ng. Fuck. (Y/N). Please. I just-nn! Stop moving for a second!" Jared panted out, trying his best to frown. (Y/N) reluctantly let his hips stop. "What do you mean, you can't?"

        "I just...I don't, uhm...I don't want to."

        Jared looked confused for a second before a hurt look of realization flooded his face. "You don't want me to be your soulmate."

        "No, Jared, that's not-" in his haste to correct Jared, (Y/N)'s hips shifted uncomfortably and Jared's face scrunched up in discomfort. "Fuck." 

        "Just - fuck - get off me." 

        (Y/N) hastened to untangle himself from Jared and sat awkwardly at the edge of the bed. 

        "I'm sorry," he said quietly. Jared got off of the bed and slipped on his boxers, his erection already falling. (Y/N) opened his mouth, "I should go."

        "No," Jared said. He got back into the bed, laying down and pulling the covers over himself. "You're going to stay here, and you're going to hold me. So that I can pretend."

        So while (Y/N) held Jared in his arms and Jared tried to pretend they might be soulmates, (Y/N) pretended not to feel Jared's body shaking with silent cries.

 

        The second time Jared tried to kiss him was at (Y/N)'s little cousin's birthday party. (Y/N)'s family had decided to hold it at their house and (Y/N) had been given permission to invite a friend over for company. Since he had clarified everything with Jared they were still strong friends and Jared had agreed to come brave the waters of a six year old's birthday party with him. 

        (Y/N) was sat on his desk chair, facing Jared, who sat across the room on (Y/N)'s bed, and was peeling the paper off of his cupcake.

        "I just think it's kind of sad. Like, look at him out there. He has this big fucking smile on his face and then high school is gonna hit and he'll be sad," (Y/N) said, tearing off a piece of cupcake and shoving it into his mouth. 

        "You only think it's sad because you have this intense notion that the world is bullshit and is out to get you," Jared replied, tossing the rolled up liner paper at (Y/N)'s head.

        (Y/N) flailed his hand around, failing at swatting the projectile away. "That's because it is." 

        Jared let out a breath of a laugh.

        "It's true, Jared."

        The room was silent for a few minutes as the two ate their cupcakes. Jared eventually stood and wiped off the crumbs on his hands into the garbage can by the desk before moving to stand right in front of (Y/N). He cupped his face in his hand and ran his thumb across (Y/N)'s bottom lip, wiping some chocolate frosting off of them. His eyes lingered a moment more on (Y/N)'s lips before he leaned down. 

        "Jared, wait," (Y/N) said, panicked, back and shoulders going rigid.

        Jared sighed, shoulders slumping. "Fine," he breathed, and backed off, falling ungracefully onto the bed.

        (Y/N) let his shoulders slump when Jared hit the bed.

        "I just think that not everything in the world is bullshit, and I like to believe that soulmates are one of the few things that are supposed to be pure and real."

        "I know, I just...I don't know." 

        Jared rolled his eyes and laid back on the quilt on (Y/N)'s bed. "Come lay down with me."

        So he did; he laid himself down next to Jared and let the other boy curl up against his side. 

        "Connor Murphy likes to stare at you. Have you noticed?"

        "Yeah. His little soulmate does too."

        Jared leaned up on his elbow. "He found his soulmate?"

        "Didn't Evan tell you? They're soulmates."

        Jared blinked before laying back down. He was silent for a moment before he answered. "No. He didn't."

 

        Jared didn't try to kiss him for another month. (Y/N) noticed that he had stopped talking to Evan and was now avoiding him in the hallways. (Y/N) was actually thinking that Jared had given up on trying to kiss him until he was sitting with him in his own car, parked in the school's parking lot, eating their fast-food in silence.

        "Kiss me?" 

        (Y/N) sighed. "Jared-"

        "I know you don't want to, but I've been obsessed with finding my soulmate since I was five and I just want to be able to rip off the band aid if you're not my soulmate and move on. But I can't because you don't want to, so I'm obsessing over it, and I'm tired of paying it so much attention."

        (Y/N) took in a deep, shuddering breath before setting down the remains of his burger and leaning over to Jared in the passenger seat. Jared gripped on to his bicep, running his thumb along the fabric of (Y/N)'s shirt. (Y/N) paused for a second, hand moving to rest on Jared's cheek. Jared sent a quick glance to (Y/N)'s lips before letting his eyelids fall close. (Y/N) sucked in another breath before closing his own eyes and pressing his lips to Jared's.

        They stayed like that for about ten seconds, lips moving together, mostly because (Y/N) was scared to end it and open his eyes. So he moved his lips gently against Jared's and eventually pulled away, eyes remaining closed. Jared's grip on his arm suddenly tightened and he began frantically tapping his hand against his arm. 

        (Y/N)'s eyes shot open, and Jared was off. Talking a mile a minutes, grinning madly. 

        (Y/N) took in none of what the other was saying. He sat there, mouth hanging slightly open, as he stared into Jared's eyes. They were so animated. They moved around almost frantically, like he was trying to take in everything around him. Every couple seconds it would land on (Y/N) again, and his grin would get bigger. He didn't know what color his eyes were, but it was so calming to look into them. It was like the colors were swimming together. There were so many different shade confined to just the iris. 

        (Y/N) felt his lips turn up into a grin. He tuned in to what Jared was saying when his eyes were turned towards him for longer. 

        "And your outfit hurts my eyes!" Jared exclaimed, the smile never leaving his face. 

        (Y/N) let out a laugh, then ran his thumb over Jared's cheek.         

        "Your eyes are beautiful," (Y/N) said, and he is suddenly obsessed with the color that rushed to Jared's cheeks when he said that. "You're beautiful." 

        "Kiss me again!" Jared laughed. His hands snatched on to the front of (Y/N)'s shirt and pulled him forward, pressing their lips together. 

        (Y/N) grinned against Jared's lips. 

        When they pulled away, Jared was talking again. (Y/N) looked at the color that had spread to Jared's nose now. It must be red. It was so sensual. 

        "I don't know what color that is," Jared said, pointing to (Y/N)'s shirt, "but it's my favorite color." 

        "You're my favorite color."

        "(Y/N), shut up!" But Jared laughed anyways. "You're so cheesy, It's embarrassing!"