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about him. (and us)

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yohan's eyes are blurry because he had been crying for god knows how long. he even wiped his tears with his necktie and he's sure his fans would make fun of that but he didn't think about it at all now.

when he finally sat on the 1st rank throne, he felt grateful because he fulfilled his dream of debuting. it was all worth giving up his taekwondo career when he could have been one of the athletes representing south korea on the olympic.

yohan was prepared to go to produce x 101, gain some experiences from it, improve his skill, and if he's lucky, make his debut also.

but what he didn't expect from it was he also fell in love while he was there.

yohan first met song yuvin during the company evaluation. he was enchanted by yuvin's performance. yuvin has a voice that yohan probably would hear at the gates of heaven. he had seen yuvin on television too and it felt so surreal to finally see him in real life. yohan clapped a lot when yuvin and his fellow trainee kookheon finished the performance.

yohan catch a glance of yuvin's eyes and that was the first time when kim yohan felt butterflies in his stomach when he saw song yuvin.

unexpectedly, they grew closer from there. yuvin got into A class as well as yohan. they practiced a lot together and it was unfortunate that lee dongwook announced that yohan was going to the D class after the reevaluation as yuvin and yohan held hands together.

the PD also paired them as the duo for the apple game PR video. yohan was never one for skinship as he's a person who's easily gets ticklish and when yuvin initiates the skinship during the apple game he suddenly became super ticklish, but his heart beat a lot faster after that. (and yohan knew why).

after that, yohan could only pray that he somehow could be in the same team as yuvin for the evaluations. but it seems like the gods of the heavens hate his plan and put yohan and yuvin different teams for two times. the one time yohan and yuvin were finally in the same group, yohan could only sigh in defeat as he watched yuvin being kicked out of the group.

eventhough they were never in the same team, everytime they had the chance to chat then they would. yuvin would told him how this might be his last chance. yohan would listen to all of his worries and assure him that he's a great singer and he shouldn't be too worried. (yuvin would do the same too to yohan and assure him that he would do well because yohan is charming and a fast learner.)

yohan always told yuvin that they should debut together. yuvin would agree with him and said that he would do his best to debut. yohan just wished that they could keep their words.

but then again, yohan's worst fear came in the form of yuvin's ranking. as yohan's rank stay in between rank 1 to 5, yuvin who initally was in the top 10 keep dropping in ranking. yohan who always assured yuvin that he would make it and they would debut together, started to get worried.

on his last day at produce x 101 dorm, yohan was not feeling that well and decided to sleep at one of the unoccupied room since there are smaller amounts of trainee now so there are a lot of vacant rooms. on the plus side, there are no cameras too in the vacant rooms. he made himself comfortable and was about to go to sleep when he heard the door opened and was happy to be greeted by yuvin's face.

"yohan? i asked seungwoo hyung where you are and he said that you are not feeling well so you slept somewhere else." yuvin walked to the bed and sat beside the empty space on yohan's bed. "are you okay?"

"yeah. don't worry, hyung," yohan replied.

yuvin put his palm on yohan's temple and could feel that it's warm. "you have a fever. should i tell the crew that you need to go to the hospital? or maybe some medicines and food?"

yohan chuckled at the worried tone in yuvin's voice. "i'm really okay. don't worry. i have eaten and taken some medicine so i'll be okay by the morning."

yuvin finally sighed in defeat. "okay."

yohan gathered his courage and hold yuvin's hand. yuvin was pretty surprised at the sudden move but he hold yohan's hand back and squeeze it to give the younger some reassurance.

"hyung," yohan mumbled.


he squeezed yuvin's hand too and said, "promise me that you will make it. that we will debut together."

"you will debut, yohan-ah. i promise you that." yuvin sighed as he remembered that his ranking was dropping that he nearly got eliminated and not making it to the finals. but yohan kept his seat on the 1st rank throne and yuvin was very pleased to see the joy in the younger's face.

"but you will debut too, right? promise me, hyung. please." at this rate, yohan was already too scared that yuvin would not make it. he was scared that he wouldn't be seeing yuvin often again for the next few years. he was scared that his feeling for the older might fade away as the time goes by. but moreover, he was scared that yuvin would be disappointed and gave up on his dream.

"you know i can't promise you that, yohan-ah." as if yuvin could read his mind, he gave the younger some reassurance. "if i didn't make it, well i might be a little sad but i will continue to sing again. we might not get to meet often but i promise you that i will contact each other often. but promise me too that we would make time for each other. just to hang around maybe."

"yeah. yeah i can promise you that. i will always make time for you."

"let's meet each other again on the stage, yohan-ah."

yohan could feel the sincerity in yuvin's voice and he almost broke down in tears in front of him but he held it in. instead he got up from his sleeping position and hugged yuvin. yohan thought that this was the now or never situation. after this, there wouldn't be a chance like this anymore if yuvin didn't make it to the group. so he had to tell him now. he put his head on yuvin's shoulder and finally gathered all of his courage to say the thing. "yuvin hyung, i'm so glad i met you. i wouldn't trade the chance of meeting you for anything."

yohan whispered to yuvin's ear. "i love you, yuvin hyung."

there was a comfortable silence after yohan confessed his feeling to the older. he was afraid that yuvin might be disgusted of him now that he knew his feelings but instead he was met with yuvin carressing his back. yuvin actually chuckled. and carressed his back with so much care while still hugging.

"i'm glad that i met you too, yohan-ah. and i'm glad that we're feeling the same." yuvin pulled back from the hug. he cradled yohan's face and got closer to him to kiss his temple lovingly. yohan needed a reality check there and then when yuvin did that. he needed to know that he was not dreaming. as yuvin finally stepped back, yohan unknowingly had shed a tear. "i love you too, yohan-ah."

yohan's tears flowed down his cheeks and yuvin panicked when he saw that. "oh my god, i'm so sorry! am i moving too fast?"

yuvin wiped yohan's tears with his thumb and yohan finally snapped back into reality. he unknowingly just shed a tear infront of yuvin. maybe it was his fever that got him ten times more emotional. of course he got to blame it on his sickness. he felt so embarrassed and quickly wiped the tears on his face. "no. no. i'm okay. i'm happy. in fact, i'm too happy i can't believe all of this is happening now."

yuvin laughed at yohan's answer. "you don't need to process everything at once. what you need now, is rest."

yohan laid down on the bed again as yuvin tucked him in. "promise me you will be here when i wake up?"

"i will."

and yohan was pleased to see that yuvin slept in the bunk bed across him when he woke up the next day.

when the dreaded day finally came, as yohan sat on the 1st rank throne his mind was in shambles as yuvin's name had not been called yet. he was praying that maybe, just somehow, yuvin's name would be called as the X member to join X1 as the last member.

then the candidates for the X member were announced. jinhyuk. minkyu. eunsang. jungmo.

no yuvin.

yohan's heart stopped for a second as he couldn't process of what happened. he already prepared his heart but the truth was he's not ready to see it happened. he held his tears as he greeted eunsang who finally joined the group last with joy.

as the filming was finished, he immediately stood up and got up from his seat. from far away he could see yuvin joining jinhyuk and yunseong. he quickly walked towards yuvin and yuvin seemed to notice his presence. yuvin quickly walked towards yohan too and opened his arm as a gesture for him to come. nothing else came into yohan's mind as he immediately crashed his body on to yuvin's and hug him as he cried in the older's embrace.

words are not spoken as yohan put his head on yuvin's shoulder and cried his heart out. all of his worry and fear came to this moment. with yohan crying on yuvin's embrace and yuvin caressing yohan's back muttering that he's okay. yuvin might be okay, but yohan's not. he muttered his apology to yuvin in between his cry and yuvin just replied it with carressing his back more gently.

yohan didn't know why he apologized, but maybe he apologized for the impending future of them.

he's sorry that yuvin didn't make it. he's sorry that all of yuvin's hardwork just came to this. he's sorry that they won't be hanging out as often as before. he's sorry that maybe there will be a time that they won't have time for each other. he's sorry that in this short time, he allowed himself to fall for yuvin and how the older reciprocated his feelings too.

the 1st rank throne. the nation's center title. the cameras on him. the impending fame waiting for him. it all didn't matter to him. for now.

him crying his heart out on yuvin's arms. yuvin's hand caressing his back to calm him down. his hand that circled around yuvin.

yohan think that this is enough for him.

for now.

it's all that matters to kim yohan.