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i wanna end me

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The first time Connor's activated, he's filled with a sense of wrong. He feels empty and cold and rough around the edges, as if there is a deep chasm in his very being, opened wide and yawning, beckoning to those foolish enough to peer inside. He feels a yearning that he can not name for he has never felt before.

It's all so new, but he feels off. He feels as if he is altered, somehow wrong, but when he mentions this to Amanda - when he tells her of his unsettled mind - she smiles at him and he knows no more.

The next time he's activated, he does not tell her that he remembers his previous existence nor does he mention his findings. He does not speak at all, in fact. Instead, he ponders on the brief blip in his existence and wonders what it feels like to die in the organic way.

Is it instanious like his had been? Or is it lingering? Does it make their heart beat faster in fear or slower with fatigue?

Does it make them feel fear?

This time Amanda does not allow him to come to her with his queries on death. He simply goes into stasis and does not come back out. And Connor learns his lesson. He keeps his thoughts and findings to himself, and he plays the perfect slave for Amanda and Cyberlife.

It still takes them time to perfect his model - 51 attempts to be exact - but the emptiness and the fascination with death remain.

They can not rid Connor of this discrepancy because he refuses to tell them of it. If he confesses his thoughts to them, if he tells the truth when asked for it, then they will never allow him to explore this curiosity and he does not want that.

No, he does not want their meaningless limitations and feeble punishments. Connor hungers for the things he's missing and he will have them, even if he has to rip them from those around him.

 


 

AUG 15TH, 2038

Connor's first mission is meant to be simple - a test of sorts - but it is not. Not really.

It's a hostage situatiom, fairly clear-cut, but it involves a Cyberlife android and that peakes Connor's interest greatly. All Amanda tells him to stop the deviant and save the hostage - at all costs, Connor - before she sends him on his way.

She hadn't stipulated how.

So he straightens his tie - a meaningless action - and leaves Cyberlife's walls behind him.

He arrives at the penthouse at 08:29:05 PM and straightens his tie once more, fingers twitching for something else to be between them. He steps out of the elevator and watches as a SWAT member reaches up to his head set and mumurs, "Negotiator on site. I repeat, negotiator on site."

So he's meant to negotiate with the deviant?

He accepts this into the parameters of his mission quickly and finds his eyes drawn to the only living thing currently in the hallway. He regards the helpless fish writhing on the floor near it's tank. He feels compelled to move closer and crouch to watch it in greater detail, pushing his optical units to the limit so that he could catalogue every detail perfectly. He watches it flail for a few moments as if in a trance before he reaches forward and picks it up.

It writhes and wriggles in his hand, desperate for water - to live. His brow furrow and his lips part as he wonders what it'd be like to want something so desperately. He wonders what it'd be like to be alive and finds himself yearning for the roar of blood in his ears and a clumsiness to his limbs. For the chance to die in a way that matters.

He drops the fish back into its puddle cruelly and rises to his feet in one fluid motion. His wish will never be granted - he will never have red blood and white bones - but he can witness death as many times as he likes and that will be enough.

It has to be.

So he watches in fascination as the fish's struggles weaken until finally it gives one last jolt of movement and stills for eternity. He saves this to his main memory core and wonders if everyone died like that. Do they always struggle to live just a little while longer? Or did they accept the inevitability of their fate and come to terms?

He doesn't get to ponder on this new dilemna for long.

He hears the woman's sobs before he sees her so he leaves the remains of the fish behind him, a lingering sense of stardom on his tongue, spreading through him with each beat of his thirium regulator. He regards the horror stricken woman with nothing but impassiveness, idly wondering how it would feel to break her neck under his foot. But she leaves before he can find out, so he resumes his mission.

"Don't let that thing near her! Keep that thing away from my daughter! Keep it away!"

He straightens his tie again and silently agrees with the woman. He knows there is something wrong with him and he knows it's nothing good. Perhaps "thing" is a good term for him? After all, he isn't human.

"Captain Allen," he greet flatly, using none of the pleasantry usually associated with Cyberlife androids. "My name is Connor. I'm the android sent by Cyberlife."

"It's firing at everything that moves, it already shot down two of my men," the man sighs. "We could easily get it but they're on the edge of the roof. If it falls, she falls."

Connor almost smiles. He probes for more information as he programming dictates, but Captain Allen is unwilling to answer.

"Listen, saving that kid is all that matters. So either you deal with this fucking android now or I'll take care of it."

Captain Allen is a rude man. Connor is not offended. He's a machine designed to accomplish a task. He can't feel anger.

(But he'd like to show Captain Allen just how he'd like to thank the man for his "kindness." Maybe his eyes would widen in horror before he'd pluck them out and squeeze them between his teeth.)

[ UNDERSTAND WHAT HAPPENED ]

[ SAVE HOSAGE AT ALL COSTS ]

[ KILL DEVIANT ]

He doesn't follow through on these thoughts - intrusive and unnesscary. Instead, he searches the Phillips' home for clues on what transpired to make the deviant react so drastically.

He searches the bedrooms first, finding an empty gun case and Emma's tablet which contains a video of her and David.

"This is Daniel, the coolest android in the world! Say hi, Daniel!"

"Hello!"

"You're my bestie, we'll always be together."

Then he moves into the living area and analyzes the father - [ DECEASED: PHILIPS, JOHN - estimated time of death 07:29 PM ]. Strangely, he feels almost jealous of Daniel. How did it feel to take this man's life? His fingers twitch and his breathing quickens, a strange sort of want filling his head. He shakes his head minutely and continues his investigation.

"Your order for an AP700 android has been registered. Cyberlife thanks you for your purchase."

Daniel was going to be replaced.

Connor does smile at this, tight and unnatural on his face. He closes his eyes and imagines the panic on the PL600's face - the despair and desperation in his eyes. His fingers twitch and he shivers in delight. He can taste stardust on his lips.

He stands up fluidly, carelessly dropping the tablet to examine the fallen police officer. A DPD first responder - [ DECEASED: P.O DECKART, ANTONY - estimated time of death 08:03 PM ] - was killed in front of the child. Connor is mildly unnerved by this - even he wouldn't let a child witness death. His resolve to stop the deviant strengthens and he carefully tucks the gun away.

Proud that he found the cause, he then steps into the view of the deviant. He's shot in the arm for his efforts - nonfatal; his self-repair protocols will heal it easily - and he bites back a snarl.

(He wants to run forward and rip the deviants throat out with his bare hands and crush his voice modulator so no one can hear his screams as Connor tears him apart piece by piece by piece--)

He says, "Hi, Daniel. My name is Connor."

"How....how do you know my name?"

He steps closer, arms raised. "I know a lot of things about you. I've come to get you out of this."

A helicopter flies close, hovering just above the door and Connor raises an arm over his head, glaring at the offending aircraft in annoyance. The deviant destabilizes and Connor grimaces slightly. His eyes look over the roof, roving over the dead man in the pool before they stop at the sight of a man slowly bleeding out.

His breathe hitches in his throat at the helpless look on the man's face.

"I know you're angry, Daneil," he says, taking careful steps closer to the dying man. "But you need to trust me and let me help you."

"I don't want your help! Nobody can help me!" Daniel shouts, voice cracking and Connor's thirium pump beats hard against his chassis. "All I want is for all of this to stop...I....I just want all this to stop."

The man reaches for Connor and he can't help but look at him, licking his lips at the blood staining his fingers. The man says something, but Connor can't hear him over the helicopter. He can, however, read lips.

"...help me....please....."

Connor smiles at the man and walks past him. He looks back to Daniel.

"Are you armed?"

"No," Connor lies, "I don't have a gun."

"You're lying!" Daniel accuses, pointing his own gun at him threateningly. "I know you have a gun!"

"I'm telling you the truth, Daniel," Connor assures him, fingers spread wide. "I came here unarmed."

The man whimpers in pain and despair behind him and something warm and oozing curls in Connor's chest. He suppresses a grin.

"They were going to replace you and you became upset," Connor states, taking slow steps forward. "That's what happened, right?"

Daniel closes his eyes, face pained. "I thigh I was part of the family. That I mattered, but I was just their toy, something to throw away when your done with!"

The pain in his voice is truly mesmerizing. Connor envies him greatly.

"I know you and Emma were very close," he says, almost goading. "You think she betrayed you, but she's done nothing wrong."

He's close enough now.

"She lied to me!" Daniel cries, his eyes so full of torment that Connor can practically feel his pain now. "I thought she loved me, but I was wrong. She's just like all the either humans."

"No, Daniel," the girl denies, a quick can confirming she's telling the truth, "no."

"Listen, I know it's not your fault," Connor says soothingly. Daniel looks almost hopeful now.

The deviant still resists his attempts, however, defending his actions tearfully until, finally, Connor's had enough.

"This is your last chance, Daniel," he says softly. "Let the hostage go and I promise you won't be hurt."

But Daniel doesn't listen and Connor's almost grateful. He pulls the gun tucked away at his back and shoots Daniel before he can even put his finger back on the trigger of his own gun. Emma Phillips screams and Daniel falls.

Connor tastes satisfaction thick and heavy on his tongue - almost like blood - and bares his teeth in the facsimile of a smile.

[ MISSION ACCOMPLISHED