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No More Ugly Naked Guy

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The first time they noticed the absence of Ugly Naked Guy, Monica and Rachel were watching Bridget Jones' Diary together (thus driving the men out), and so were in the dark when the lights in Ugly Naked Guy's apartment went on.

Monica, frustrated by Bridget Jones' inability to cook and the way she kept ignoring Colin Firth, took the opportunity to jump up and look out.

"Hey!" she said. "Ugly Naked Guy is...not ugly. Rachel! It's a new Naked Guy. And he's--" she swallowed. "Very attractive."

Rachel, depressed beyond belief at the striking resemblances between Hugh Grant's character and at least ten of the jerks she'd dated, was on her feet and peering out seconds later.

"Oohh my God," she said. "His--"

"I know," said Monica.

"And his--"


They never did finish Bridget Jones' Diary.


The second time they saw Hot Naked Guy, Phoebe was over, serenading Monica and Rachel with the song she'd just written, entitled "Ducks are Deadly" about the duck that had attacked her in the park. She was sitting with her back to the window, and it took her two choruses to realize that her audience was distractedly looking around her.

"Your beak is full of eeeevil, and you probably have parasites. I just want to walk through the park without any duck-- Hey, guys, are you even listening to me?"

"Yeah," said Monica. "Its beak is full of evil. Did we tell you that Ugly Naked Guy moved out?"

"What? No!" She put down her guitar and started to turn around. "Who moved in?"

"Hot Naked Guy," supplied Rachel, and the all three stood to watch. "With a guest."

"Wow," said Phoebe.

"Yeah," said Rachel.

"I didn't know dildos came in that color," said Monica.

"Or that size. Hey, are those handcuffs?"

"I don't think they're for hands," said Rachel.

The next day, Phoebe composed a song called "Please Never Get Dressed".


The fourth time they saw Hot Naked Guy, the guys were there, though Phoebe was not. Rachel was engaged in cleaning out her closet. When she walked into the livingroom with her next armload of discarded jeans, she said, "Oh my God, guys, it's Hot Naked Guy!" and dropped her jeans to go look out the window. Monica was not far behind her.

"Sweet Jesus," said Rachel.

"What?" asked Joey.

"Since when is Ugly Naked Guy 'hot' in any way, shape, or form?" asked Chandler. But all three men scrambled over to see.

"Wow," said Joey, "Ugly Naked Guy turned hot! And he's got a hot blond chick with him. Way to go Ugly Naked Guy!"

"That's not Ugly Naked Guy." said Rachel. "And the blond isn't a woman."

"Oh," said Joey. And then, "OH. JESUS. I thought that kind of thing only happened in gay porn!"

"And you would know that because?" asked Chandler.

"Hey, sometimes my agent sends me to audition for things that are a little..." He waved a hand and made the universal face for 'sketchy'. "You see things in this industry."

"Even that?" asked Ross. All three guys winced.

"Christ, no." Joey squinted out the window in disbelief. "I didn't know anybody could get their legs up that far."

"Wow," said Chandler. "In a completely literal sense, that is the gayest thing I've ever seen."


The fifth through the tenth times were all variations on the fourth. Mostly it was Rachel and Monica who saw.

"It's kind of sweet," said Monica. "How they hang out naked. Oooo, look! The blond guy is even cooking naked! I wonder what he's making."


"Hey, Monica, Hot Naked Guy is doing handstands!"


"Do you think we should take notes?" said Monica, after about five minutes of fascinated silence.

"I don't think notes would make my mouth big enough to do that."


"Aww, look, Rachel. They're making out!"

"That man is the best kisser I have ever seen. It's a damn shame he's gay."


The eleventh time, it was Chandler, reading in the chair near the window, who sounded the alert. "Hey! Look guys, Hot Naked Guy is doing someone who isn't the blond guy and I can't believe I just said that."

Seconds later, the whole gang was in front of the window. "Do you think he's cheating on Hot Blond Guy?" said Phoebe.

"Oh, nooo, I like Hot Blond Guy," said Monica.

"I do too!" said Joey. Ross and Chandler gave him a look.

"What? I do! He reminds me of my cousin Vince. God, Hot Naked Guy is such a scumbag." Joey shook his head in disgust over such behavior.

But, as they were watching, they saw Hot Blond Guy enter the picture and take in exactly what was going on.

"Ohhh. I'm so sorry, honey," muttered Rachel. "But your boyfriend, Hot Naked Guy, is a cheating bastard."

They all held their breath, riveted, as they waited for the inevitable blow up. They were so invested at this point, that it didn't even occur to them to look away.

Hot Blond Guy stared for a moment, waiting, and they could see Hot Naked Guy look up from his activities and smile, a rakish, inviting smile, and suddenly Hot Blond Guy was throwing off his messenger bag along with the rest of his clothes. Then he climbed right into the fray, did something obscene to Hot Naked Guy's mouth. And--

"I feel naive," said Rachel.

"I feel dirty," said Phoebe, in obvious delight.

"This is better than porn," said Monica.

"This is so not the threesome I was praying for, God," said Chandler, looking briefly up at the sky in reproach.

"At least Hot Naked Guy isn't cheating," said Joey.

"Is it warm in here, or is it just me?" asked Ross, his voice a little unnaturally high.


The twelfth time, it was Phoebe who saw them. It was after dinner, and Monica had fed them her newest and tastiest inventions, so everyone was stuffed so full they couldn't move.

"Oh, oh oh! You guys!" she said, jumping up with amazing agility and pressing her face to the window. "Oh my God, oh my God! Come look!" She flapped her hand wildly behind her without looking away.

"They're clothed," said Ross.

"They're tuxedoed!" Rachel clapped her hands in glee. "Look, look! With little white flowers at their lapels. You know what this means, right?"

"I'm going to make a huge intuitive leap and say it means they'll be naked in about thirty seconds," said Chandler.

"No," said Rachel giving him a shove. "It means they just got married!"

"Can anybody see rings?" asked Monica. There was a short silence as everybody squinted and tried to discern whether they were, in fact, wearing rings.

"Does anyone have binoculars?" asked Monica.


"Those weird people across the street are looking at us again."

"So?" said Brian.

"So, nothing. I was just saying."

"So, strip," said Brian, reaching a hand out to help in that endeavor.

"Hey, don't I get champagne on my wedding night?" Justin asked, dodging back a step, and grinning flirtatiously. "Strawberries dipped in chocolate? Sappy music?"

"Wouldn't you rather have my tongue in your ass?" Brian moved in deceptively slow, and then he jerked Justin against him, and his smile had Intentions with a capital 'I'. Justin squirmed a little until he could get his arms around Brian's neck.

"Yes," said Justin. "And wedding cake for breakfast."