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Aziraphale on Trial

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Gabriel sat down in an open board room somewhere between the Heavenly kingdom and the abode of God. As the Angel of Revelation, Gabriel had threaded a fine line with Prophets and God's Children on Earth and has disclosed to many humans. Technically, he's the Angel of plot development. Gabriel was there to tell Zacharias that his wife, Elizabeth, was going to have John the Baptist and has infamously told Mary she was to have Jesus Christ.

So it wasn't that surprising when God called upon Gabriel and said onto him "Something something... destroy the children of the watchers amongst men: send them one against the other that they might destroy each other in battle: for the length of days shall they not have... Something.". Naturally, the Archangel considered this as a prophecy for all conflict. That the Adversary and the Champion of Heaven on Earth would expire in turmoil or uses human rivals to fight each other. Whatever. As far as revelations go, it wasn't something he hadn't heard before so it wasn't in his department. Sure, Gabriel had done some war in his career. He was supposed to bring Jerusalem to its knees and become the Angel of Isreal but that wasn't really destroying the children of the watchers, was it? Gabriel considered this as something that Aziraphale should do. It was Aziraphale who did all the unnatural things with humans, like eat and dress up, so Gabriel thought it was the other angel's job to do whatever God's words meant. 

Here, Gabriel was sitting in the Heavenly board room, holy water in one hand and the other clenched into a tight fist as he deliberated how he was going to tell Aziraphale what God had told him. He took a sip from his water and shrugged. 

"Aziraphale, bro, alright, I brought you in here today because God has revealed something to me." He looked across the table to the fluffy angel and narrowed his eyes, "Micheal and I don't know what to make of it so, we thought, maybe we need a fresh set of eyes on the problem. Maybe a new perspective will help us figure it out." Gabriel pointed at Aziraphale and realized he might have to bullshit his way through this if he was going to sound even slightly interesting. "That's where you come in."

"Okay." Aziraphale nodded. Confusion lit his face like a fire attached itself to alcohol. "What did she say?"

"That's the thing." Gabriel loosened his shoulders. "She said 'Destroy the children of the watchers amongst men, make them fight, their days are numbered'. You see the bit of a twister it is? As far as everyone in the great big office in the sky knows, humans have been at odds for millennia and you have defeated the advances of the Adversary, right?" Aziraphale began to visibly sweat. Beads of moisture appeared on his forehead and dampened his shirt's collar.

"Yep. I and the demon Crowley have been-," Aziraphale gulped audibly, "-have been at odds for thousands of years."

"Right? Ya'll've got this down pat. So, who do you think the watchers are?" Gabriel plastered a fake smile onto his face like they both didn't know what he was getting at.

"I and the Adversary."

"Yep..." The Archangel twirled a hand dramatically, "So I have to ask, who do you think the children of the watchers are?" The two angels eyes met in the center of the table. Aziraphale failed to respond and Gabriel was forced to continue. "Micheal and I think that the 'children of the watchers' are some sort of symbolic term. Like how everyone is God's child while we all know that there kind of not. So, what do you think your child is?"

"I, I don't know. Maybe the evil seeded between us is our child and we need to relinquish it in order to form peace on Earth?" Aziraphale cocked his face, showing a flat frown that suddenly escaped him. 

"Are you dense, Aziraphale?" Gabriel shot at him. "Can you seriously be that dense? Drop the whole peace on Earth thing for two minutes and listen to yourself. Why would God be concerned with you and the Adversary if she wanted to make peace? You're enemies, for crying out loud." Sandalaphon stepped into the room and Gabriel lowered his voice. Not because he wanted to appear better before the Choirmaster, but because he was ready to start the revelations."We think you're hiding something, Aziraphale. We need you to disclose everything you've done on Earth with the Adversary. We need to take your 'children' and put them into battle. It's God's plan."

"I haven't the slightest idea." Said Aziraphale sternly. Sandalaphon raised his hand and Gabriel nodded at him. He couldn't wait to hear what this box of rocks had to say about this. 

"I think you've had a child with him." Both Aziraphale and Gabriel looked at him in sheer terror. "Maybe God was being literal."

"NO, Sandalaphon, I don't think our buddy has had children with the demon Crowley. That's absurd." Gabriel knew God could be literal at times but the thought of something as pure as an Angel being in love with something as sinister as a Demon made his skin crawl. He hated what Sandalaphon was implying too. The sex part. That was a sin. Gabriel remembered fooling around but only the brass tacks of contact. All Angels have to follow the code of absence even though God can go around impregnating whoever she saw fit. The Archangel didn't even want to think about how two celestial beings could do it, either. That was never something he had wanted to know. "We do need to know, Aziraphale, so thoughts like this won't occur. We need you to tell us everything. Could there be something that you're not telling us?"

"As I said, I haven't the slightest idea. Now, if you excuse me, gentlemen, I'd like to leave." Aziraphale got up from his chair at the table and strode towards the door, stopping inches from the frame as he looked back at his excuser with annoyance. "I don't have children with the Demon Crowley and I am sure as Heaven not lying to you when I say there is nothing between us. I'd put my hand on the Bible and swear it." His wings unfurled at the end and Gabriel unfurled his own in response. Holy brilliance rivaled holy brilliance and the room was cloaked in a heavenly aura. They stared at each other for a second before Gabriel cooled down and visibly wiped the frown off his own face. 

"Alright." Sandalaphon slipped a Bible out of his suit pocket and placed it onto the surface in front of him. Gabriel was about to ask why Sandalaphon would have such a worldly possession when Aziraphale slammed his hand on it and began to chant:

"I swear by Almighty God, to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth."

Suddenly holy light spilled out of the text and the Angel looked up at Gabriel with fear in his eyes. The truth started to come out of Aziraphale like water out of a well. "I'm madly in love." He crowed. Everyone was in shock. "I never liked the Sound of Music. I secretly adore your outfit, Gabriel. I followed this guy around in a mall cause I thought he was Crowley and when I found out it wasn't him I cried for an hour in a Cinnabon. I'm a gardener in Tadfield." Aziraphale forced his mouth shut.

Gabriel was very intrigued by the revelations. Then the book beamed a couple of last columns of lights and stopped. Aziraphale's face went flush with relief and his wing went invisible once again. Gabriel held his feathers out prominently and took a quick sip of water before examining the angel's words further. So he was madly in love, but the who was the big kicker. 

"Who, exactly, are you 'madly' in love with, bro?" 

"I've spilled my truths. If you don't mind, I'd like to go now." Embarrassed, the Angel walked back to the door and without Gabriel's conformation, left. Sandalaphon looked at the Archangel and back at the book. 

"That went down like a lead balloon. That left us with more questions than answers. Who do you think he is in love with? Do you think that's symbolic too?" An awkward silence fell over them. Maybe Aziraphale wasn't the only dense angel to exist after all. Gabriel thought about it for a moment. Angels could love something or someone despite the rule of absence. It was in there construction to love all of God's creations though they could personally dislike or like things. For example, Gabriel loved the Sound of Music and would play it every Easter in the Heavenly break room and he also disliked Aziraphale for his opinions. He'd show Aziraphale. He'd play it every day to punish the Angel for whatever tomfoolery he was up to this time. 

"I don't know, Sandalaphon. Maybe we just got to listen in and see." Gabriel was already hating himself for not taking advantage of the situation. He hated himself for being such a dunce under pressure and the anger coursing through his veins was gonna make him explode. The Archangel took his cup and threw it across the table. Maybe mildly explode was a better way to put it. The pair looked onto the cup with great dissatisfaction.

"Sir, are you alright?"

"No. I'm an Archangel. I am the one in charge. Aziraphale makes me want to damn him every time we meet. I feel futile and, dear lord, my wraith is getting to me." 

"Would you like me to pray with you, sir?" Sandalaphon placed a hand on his shoulder. Gabriel nodded sheepishly and they both gathered in prayer. "Oh lord, I beg and implore in the name of Jesus that for this moment and for always that you cure Gabriel of his jealousy towards the angel Aziraphale and that he can steep his wraith -"

"I never said I was jealous of Aziraphale. Take that back. I don't want Metatron or Micheal hearing that." Sandalaphon rolled his eyes and continued.

"- Though your son is of a golden heart and solid mind he is lost in his 'anger'  and needs your solace, my lord. I pray that you relinquish Gabriel of earthly rage so we can clean up the mess he has made on the table and so that I can go back to my harp solo, yada yada, amen." The choirmaster took his hand from Gabriel, grabbed his Bible, and exited the room. Gabriel sighed and got a bunch of heavenly paper towels from the holy break room so he could get started on the cleaning. He wasn't Jealous. Why would Sandalaphon paint him to be jealous? The prayer didn't seem to eliminate his wraith cause his wings tossed in the air and felt like he was going to scream. Never in a million years would Gabriel ever consider being jealous of another Angel for loving something. On the other hand, it was great to finally get that into the open air. If six thousand years of holy rage led to only a water bottle getting tossed across the room then that was peaches and cream.

"We just got to listen and see." The Archangel repeated to himself.