„To my first and only love
the first time when Our eyes met
It was a rainy day. I was late for school as usually and the slippery roads weren’t helping a lot. I didn’t have time to eat breakfast so I was grumpier than most of the days. Luckily the school was near to my house, so I only ended up missing my first lesson. I quickly went through the school’s door when someone ran into me. The person fell to the ground but I didn’t stop to help him. The only thing I saw was a black hoodie and a messy, black hair.
Apart of the morning’s incident (and the boys who were bullying me since first year) all day was boring and meaningless. Or so I thought. I started losing hope to make this day interesting when came the lunch break.
You were sitting alone in a corner and you were reading a book (Lord of the flies). Your hair was messy and black and you were wearing a black hoodie. And I knew that it was you from the morning. The boy who had fallen down because of me. I had time so I was checking you out (yes, like a stalker) and I noticed that your hoodie was way too big for you, and the jeans you were wearing were baggy on you.
I also noticed that you had your headphones on, which (as I learned) you were wearing every day. I watched you for a longer time than I would ever admit (it was 30 minutes). I was sitting far away from you, so you wouldn’t notice me (yes, it was creepy). As I was sitting there, watching you, I saw the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen. It was your smile. Your smile was shy and you had dimples. That was the first time I decided that I love dimples (especially yours). After that smile came the most gorgeous sound I’ve ever heard. It was your laugh. It felt like you were brightening up the room with that laugh.
Some time later you looked up and started looking around the room, as you knew that someone is watching you. It was in that second when our eyes met for the very first. They were brown and all I was thinking about was that I want to watch these eyes for the rest of my life. Although as I was thinking this, I could see a little hurtfulness in your glance.
The moment only lasted for seconds but for me it felt hours and your eyes quickly ran through the rest of the people around us before you continued your book.
After that day I’d never laid my eyes on other boys. You were, and you forever will be, the most beautiful man I’ve ever seen.
The first time We talked
It was winter and the weather started to get colder by each day. I was wearing a sweater and a coat, and since it wasn’t that cold yet, i only put on a scarf (and will later put on gloves and hat too, cause, it was freakin cold and I was just being stupid). I was walking home from the grocery shopping, slowly not rushing to anywhere. My parents were out of town for the week so I was alone home.
I stopped at a river and I was watching the water. I missed this peace, not feeling anything (only the coldness), not doing anything… Just breathing. Sometimes it got hard to breathe tho, and those were the hard times to get through. Sometimes, but only sometimes I thought of giving up and just stop breathing. Everything would be teacupful forever, not feeling anything (not even the cold), getting away from the bullies and just not waking up ever again.
I didn’t hear the foot steps behind me getting louder and louder. Only when I wanted to turn around, everything went quiet. The sound of the foot steps disappeared. I quickly looked behind my back and saw someone laying unconscious on the ground. He was laying on his side, his back was facing me. I saw that he only wore a hoodie and… and then I realizes that it was you, who was laying in front of me. I didn’t know what to do. I didn’t know how long I was standing there, but when I could see some movement from you, was the moment I rushed to you and I saw you slowly opening your eyes.
I asked you if you were okay, and you (after hesitation) nodded your head a little bit. I was sure about that it wasn’t true, by just looking at you. You were shaking and you struggled to keep your eyes open. I gave you my scarf and asked if it was okay if we went to my place. I saw how you wanted to shake your head as a no, but when i told you that my parents won’t be home for the week, you nodded your head.
The way to my house was quick, and when we arrived you took a shower while I was preparing dinner.
You had fallen asleep before you could have eaten it.
the first time You told me about the Stars
It was the day after our first talk. You woke up with that messy hair, I saw every day in school (I hadn’t seen it in a week because of the break but, oh boy, how much I missed it) and you were pouting a little when I told you it’s dinner. You were quite confused and I told you, that you slept through the whole day.
I led you to the table where I put the soup I’d made for you. You were staring at it, but didn’t even dare to eat it. I was sitting next to you, finishing my own meal, when I noticed that yours was still untouched. I asked you if you weren’t hungry and you just shaked your head. I remember you being skinny but now you were unnaturally thin. I could see your hip bones and the bones in your hand.
I didn’t want to upset you so we went back to the couch, where you were sleeping, and we sat down. I turned on the TV and we were watching some kind of animation movie (yes, I remember what was it. The Lion King, which is still our movie). I couldn’t focus on movie tho, no matter how hard i tried to. I was constantly thinking of you (and your showing bones) and eventually asked you if you were okay. You were surprised at the sudden question and just said a fast yes. I asked you one more time, and after it you were staring at me, like I was some type of creepy person. You nodded your hand and that was the time I asked you why you were doing this. I don’t know how you knew what was I talking about (maybe it was because of shakiness in my voice or the low tone I was talking in) but you just sighed.
You said you just wanted to be pretty. Feeling loved and feeling good in your own body. You said that you was fat and in need of losing weight. You said that it’s hard to eat or keep down foods. They were making you uncomfortable.
I didn’t know what to say, to not make things worse. I didn’t know how could I help. Because of my own health problems I knew the words „Just eat” or „You are beautiful” (even if that was true and I wanted you to believe it) wouldn’t help.
So I just held your hands as you were started shaking. I hugged you and we stayed like this for minutes (or hours, I couldn’t tell).
And when you weren’t crying you started talking.
You told me about your parents. You told me that they had died a year ago, because of a car accident. You told me that you are talking to the stars every night, because you believe that we reborn as stars. So we could shine on people at night, and be like the night’s sunshine. You told me that you want to reborn as a star (it hurt so much when u also said „as soon as possible” after the word reborn) so you could meet with your parents and be with them.
I told you that you couldn’t die just yet. There are people who needs you, to be led by your existence. I told you that the universe was made to be seen by your eyes and you can’t die until you haven’t seen everything.
the first time we kissed
It happened months after conversation about the stars. We were going out, but not on a real date. It was rather just hanging out but I was so sick of it. Of course I wasn’t sick of you. I loved and I still love being with you. I was sick of not being able to kiss you and hold your hand and hug you all the time.
So I collected my shit and asked you out. Perhaps this was one of the most difficult things I’ve ever done in my life. I can’t even bare the thought of not being with you and in the moment I asked you for a date and you weren’t answering after a moment I was scared that everything will be done now. I was scared of losing you.
But after a few seconds you smiled (the one with your dimples, my favorite one) and jumped into my arms.
As I was holding you I was so happy to feel that there were something else on you apart from the skin and bone. You were heavier than before and I was so proud of you, you was so strong. I’m still so proud of you, you are fighting every day with your demons and you are being stronger by each day.
Our first date was in a theme park. We were having such a good time. Laughing at every little stupid thing, playing with the games, going on rides, enjoying the other’s jokes and stories.
We were on a ferris wheel when the firework started. We were holding each other's hand and you were showing your dimples.
And the next second I kissed you. I felt you tense up a little only to relax afterward.
The best thing that had happened to me was that you kissed me back.
not the first time that You were there for Me
We were going out for a year now. Lots of things had happened. There were some good, like our dates, my graduation from school, me getting job or moving in with you.
But nothing can be forever happy. There were bad things as well: me not getting into college, my job was lame (but it was still a job), my parents divorce and telling me it was my fault.
As I remember our happy moments, I also remember our sad ones: when we argue, or your eating disorder relapse, where we fought about your health every day, and finally, I could got you to see a doctor again.
And also there was me. You were so good to me. Always looking after me, when I didn’t have enough energy to cook, eat, clean or even shower. You were so patient with me, helping me in everything. I can hear you now, saying that „I love you, and lovers does this to each other, that’t their task to do.” But I couldn’t help but feeling like a burden to you. You deserve better than me. Someone who could give you only and only the happiness, someone who could never make you cry.
I realized that I was selfish. I wanted you to be mine and mine. I made you face all of my problems, and you even fought my demons instead of me.
But my demons weren’t in my head. My demons were me. And I couldn’t fight with myself.
I want to thank you everything. Thank you for fighting with me FOR me, gicing me all the happiness (I couldn’t give to you), making me laugh or just smile when you stepped into the room.
You were, and you will forever be, the only boy I’ve ever loved.
I will shine for you every night, so please don’t forget to tell me stories every night.
The paper was wet as Namjoon hold it. He was sitting next to Jin’s hospital bed, holding the boy’s hand in one of his, and in the other holding the letter.
The only sound you could hear in the room was the heart monitor which showed that the sleeping boy was still alive. Barely, but breathing.
Namjoon felt small circles being drawn on his hand. When he looked down he saw a very tired, but weekly smiling Jin.
He wanted to say so many things to him. How he wasn’t a burden. How he made him happy just by being alive and the only time he had hurt him was yesterday’s action. He never ever wanted to see his love bleeding out on their bathroom floor, but he had seen it.
But instead of all these things he managed to whisper out one sentence.
„The universe was made to be seen by our eyes."