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The Wonders Of Government Jobs

Chapter Text

“Hey babe?” Peridot asked. Jasper didn’t look up from her book. “Babe?” Jasper only seemed to bury herself further into her armchair. Peridot pouted. “Babe?!” She tried louder.

Jasper let out a huff before snapping her novel closed. She leveled an aggravated look at Peridot. “What?” She bit out.

“We still on to raid Area 51?” Peridot asked, a smirk clear on her face.

Jasper frowned. A pit sprouted in the depths of her stomach. “What?” She repeated, hoping she heard wrong.

“You gonna take me storm Area 51, right babe?”

Jasper’s eyes went wide. “How did you know?”

Peridot frowned. “Know what?” She watched as Jasper to their apartment’s windows and peeked through the curtains as if she was spying on someone. “....What are you doing?”

“Shhh.” Jasper turned from the window and went about scanning their living room. She ran her hands down the corners of the room, around the edges of their couches, and beneath the coffee table in a determined search. It’s when Jasper looked up at the ceiling light with dread clears across her face that Peridot really grew worried.

“Oh no. Oh no no no.” Jasper stood up. She snapped off the ceiling light before unscrewing the light bulb. Peridot frowned at it, curious at what Jasper was upset over.

“They bugged us.” Jasper held out her hand to Peridot. At least, a dozen, tiny cameras dotted her broad hand. Peridot gasped.

“Is that a Hunter mic?” Peridot snatched one from her palm. She looked it over with a wild gleeful look on her face. “I’ve only seen these in passing on the deep web. I thought they were a myth!” She brought the audio bug closer to her eyes. “It really is tiny!”

“Peridot, shut up! They can hear you!” Jasper hissed. She took the camera back and crushed it in her hand. The bugs crunched in her hand before Jasper let go, letting the broken pieces fall into the living room carpet.

“Jasper! You just destroyed millions of dollars!” Peridot whined.

“Focus! We have to move quick.” Jasper barked out as she marched down the hall. Peridot followed behind her into their bedroom. She watched as Jasper pulled out two suitcases from under their bed, one of which was Peridot’s novelty flying saucer backpack she swore she lost months ago. Before Peridot could complain, Jasper tossed it at her. Peridot caught it, surprised to find it packed to the brim.

“I already packed us the essentials. Let’s go.”

“Go where?” Peridot asked, but Jasper ignored her, choosing to push past Peridot. “Jasper, what the hell is going on?”

“I wasn’t careful enough! That’s what!” Jasper cried out, knocking a fist into the thin hall wall. Pictures that dotted the wall rattled and fell loose from their nails. Peridot dropped her bag in order to save one from crashing into the floor with the others.

It was a picture from their first date, back when they had both just moved to Beach City. The date was a spur of the moment decision on Peridot’s part. They had met maybe once or twice through mutual friends, but Peridot was captivated by her. She had to know more.

Still, it was a challenge trying to navigate their relationship back then. Between Peridot’s social awkwardness and Jasper’s stoic air, the date seemed to flounder on and on as the night waned on through the standard dinner date. Neither had much to say nor much experience in dating to draw on.

But, they worked through it together. Whether it be through genuine interest or a bullheaded determination to have something go right, they hung around each other after the right time to call it a night. They wandered the boardwalk and then the beach, trying to pick each other’s brains. It was still awkward as hell, but it was a sweet memory nevertheless.

That’s how she got the photo. Peridot had just dropped a corny pun, just to break the ice. To her surprise, Jasper burst out laughing. Her tiger striped face looked more relaxed than it had all evening, her long white hair bouncing carelessly with each hearty laugh.

Peridot has quickly snapped a picture of the moment as she did with all things she found precious and within range of her phone camera. But when she looked up at the real Jasper and she saw the same face filled with regret, it filled her with a painful sorrow.

“It wasn’t supposed be like this.” Jasper said as if she was trying to convince Peridot. She looked down at the picture in Peridot’s hands, and she seemed to give. She slunk to the floor and pulled her knees to her chest. “It wasn’t supposed to be like this.

Jasper gestured both her hands at the floor. “I was just supposed to come do my job. I was just supposed to stay undercover, and I could live a normal life outside work.” Jasper’s breathing picked up its pace to a worrying amount. “Now, the government going to come after us!” She slammed her fists into the floor with a dull thud. “I’ve ruined everything!”

“Jasper...” Peridot carefully approached her. When she didn’t seem ready to go off again, Peridot laid a hand on her back. “Calm down. Please.” Peridot awkwardly patted Jasper’s back.

Jasper’s broad shoulder’s hitched under her hand. Jasper let out a deep, wheezing breath. “I’m sorry.” She whispered.

“Jasper, I’m going to need more information. You’re freaking me out.” Peridot deadpanned.

Jasper looked up at her with desperate golden eyes. “What do you mean? You found out.”

“Stop talking in riddles please.”

Jasper huffed, some of her annoyance returning to her face. At least, she wasn’t totally lost. “But, you know! You know I’m a government agent aligned with Area 51 and now, they know!”

“Wait, what?”

“What?” Jasper frowned.

“ do know I was talking about the meme, right?”


“Yeah! It’s all over the internet right now.” Peridot pulled out her phone and showed her one. Jasper took the phone, staring in disbelief.

“Are you kidding me?” Jasper groaned, tossing the phone back to Peridot. “You gave me a heart attack over nothing?”

“Well...” Peridot made a face. “Your employers now know I’m acquainted with the deep web so...” Peridot went retrieve her backpack from the ground. Jasper groaned, but she stood up.

“We’re moving to a safe house in Crystal Cove. No arguments.” Jasper said, going retrieve her own bag.

Chapter Text

Jasper stood still for a moment, the weight of a gun holstered away a heavy reminder of what she was about to do. She tightened her grip on the briefcase and watched as scientists walked in and out of the building. On reflex, she timed herself to fall a few steps behind one scientist before walking in herself. She held her breath as she did every time, waiting for someone to question her, but she managed to walk down the facility's entrance foyer without so much as a second glance.

Before her stretched a familiar network of sterile white doorways teeming with busy scientists. They milled about preoccupied with carrying presumably sensitive documents, transporting expensive equipment, or rushing across the hall to find another scientist. Still, Jasper kept her carefully cultivated excuse in mind as she weaved around them with practiced ease.

"Hey!" Someone yelled. Jasper froze in response, her face a careful neutral but her heart hammering in her ear. It's only when a well dressed man, one of the many federal agents that combed the place like herself, approached a distracted scientist that Jasper let her self relax just a little. Everyone's eyes were trained on the mystery agent thankfully. No one batted an eye as she continued on down the hall and turned right down a much more abandoned corridor. It was just business as usual.

A small metal door like an elevator's took up the corridor's ending wall. Towards the right wall, a small scanner cast a ghastly green glow. Jasper pulled out an ID badge that was clearly not her own and flashed it, praying that IT hadn't caught on to her yet. The scanner let out a little chime. Jasper sighed and watched the metal door slide open with a hiss.

Jasper walked in a huge, cluttered laboratory, it many computers and machines casting eerie blinking lights across the dark room. Even so, Jasper was able to make her way over to the Plexiglas tube set in the center of the room on a computerized pedestal. She gave its smooth glass a light knock.

A round face pressed against the glass where she knocked, her brilliant green skin looking a sickly teal in the weak light. Yellow eyes too big to be human glittered at her as an excited smile broke across her face. "Agent 45-X7! Boy, am I glad to see you!"

"Shhh!" Jasper felt her way around the tube until she found its control panel. She opened her briefcase and pulled out a list of passwords before getting to work. "I'm going to get you out of here, Peridot."

"Really? It's about time. Look where they stuck me!" Peridot banged her against the glass of her prison. The glass barely made a sound at her barrage much less any movement. "Much harder to escape than my last cell, X7. Let me tell you."

Jasper huffed. "I said be quiet. Unless you want the scientists to come back." Jasper said. That bought her a few seconds of precious seconds of silence. She managed to clear through security measures, allowing her to punch in the release button. The glass tube slowly raised into a metal casing over head.

"Woo, freedom!" Peridot cheered. That is until she careened forward, crashing down onto the tile floor with an echoing slap. Jasper flinched, the sound like a gunshot in the dead silence.

"What the hell is wrong with you?" Jasper bit out on instinct, running on years of directing her fellow agents around. Jasper hauled her up to her feet only to realize there was a thick plastic sort of mit enveloping her arms and legs. Peridot had to lean heavily on Jasper just to stay upright.

Peridot thrust her trapped arms at her pointedly. "Why do you think escape is harder now, ya clod?" Peridot thrashed against her bounds and subsequently Jasper. "Get them off of me!"

"Alright! Alright!" Jasper hauled Peridot over to a nearby observation desk and sat her on top. She felt around until she felt a familiar thin case brush her fingers. Inside it, she pulled out a scalpel and used it to hack at Peridot's bounds. It was slow work, the thick material inching apart as she threw her strength into sawing at it.

"Hurry up. My arms are cramping." Peridot whined. Jasper halted her work to point the scalpel in her face. Peridot's eyes crossed to look at it before they looked at Jasper's scowling face.

"You know I didn't have to risk my neck for you? I could've left you to the mercy of the government."

"Of which this government doesn't have any." Peridot deadpanned.

"Correct." Jasper gave her a final look before going back to cutting off Peridot's bounds. "I doubt you want to stay, so could you please stop being so difficult?" She managed to spilt them halfway before she forced her fingers into the split. She tugged and pulled on the material, finding that it stretched like rubber under her strength. Peridot was able to wiggle her arms out.

Peridot rubbed her wrists. "My apologies. I do appreciate your help, X7. Without you, I'd probably wind up on some clod's table."


"Hmm?" Peridot frowned.

"My name is Jasper. Quit calling me by my code, runt."

Peridot nodded. "Alright, Jasper. Do you have a plan to get us out of here?"

Jasper opened her mouth, but a familiar hiss sounded. The lights flicked on, causing the both to flinch and miss the government agents pouring into the room. They circled the two, training their guns on them. Jasper cursed, eyes darting around for an escape but found none. Reluctantly, she raised her arms above her arms.

Then suddenly all at once, their guns ripped from their hands and dropped to the floors.

"You clods think they can trap me. Well, how do you like me now?" Peridot cackled. She held her hands up and twisted her face in concentration. The guns sprang back up, this time the barrels pointed at their previous owners. Jasper took that chance to add her own to the fray.

"Any move and we shoot." Jasper barked out. "I want a clear path out of the compound. Any resistance-"

"I'll bring this whole place to its knees!" Peridot cackled.

"...Actually, I have very sensitive information that I have relayed to a discrete colleague of mine. If I don't report to them in an hour, they'll spill everything about Area 51 and its research on extraterrestrials to every newspaper in the country." Jasper threatened. "Now, I want a ride for us waiting outside. No one follow, and Area 51 stays covert for another day."

The unarmed agents argued amongst each other, but they seemed to come to an agreement quick. They allowed Jasper to throw Peridot over her shoulder and walk out armed to a waiting military jeep.

"We did it!" Peridot cheered. Jasper tossed her into the passenger seat. She barely got in herself before she threw the Jeep into drive and took off out of Area 51.

"Hardly. The government will be on our tail soon enough." Jasper said. "They'll put a call out for our jeep now, probably issue an arrest warrant. They might even send helicopters after us."

"...But, we made it out." Peridot smiled.

"That doesn't solve the fact that we're wanted criminals now. We just held up a military base!" Jasper snapped.

That caused Peridot's smile to drop. She seemed to take on a more thoughtful look. Jasper ignored it, choosing instead to merge onto the highway and put as much distance between the military base and them as possible. A hefty silence stretched on for a long minute until-

"Why?" Jasper blinked. "Why what?"

"Why would you go through all this trouble for me?" Peridot asked, her yellow eyes wide. "You could die, X7. Are you nuts?" She asked dead serious.

"I told you to quick calling me that." Jasper said, because she couldn't answer the first. She mulled over the question in her head, an unease weighing on her mind.

When she first got assigned to Area 51, she hadn't expected to be assigned to this. She hadn't expected to find a green woman strapped on a gurney like an asylum patient. She hadn't expected to be told to ignore every painful cry and plea for mercy as scientists stripped her of the mechanical appendage from her like they were destroying parts of her identity. She hadn't expected to be reprimanded every time Jasper was caught conversing with her. She hadn't expected an alien from another galaxy to be such a sarcastic firecracker fluent in English. She didn't expect her to have such a big personality for someone who stood as tall as a child.

She hadn't expected Peridot to make her first escape attempt, but god, was she rooting for her.

She hadn't expected it to fail and for the scientists to order an immediate autopsy in response.

But, god was she not about to let that happen.

"It doesn't matter. We're in this together now. Like it or not." Jasper answered. She turned off of the highway, sending them towards Empire City.

Chapter Text

Jasper grunted as she yanked against her chains around her ankles. The chains rattled as they pulled taunt from where they were latched to the wall. However, all of her efforts only resulted in a light groan from the walls just as usual. Jasper cried out in frustration, tossing down the chains and stalking around the short five foot enclosure she was allowed to walk around.

Just then, the huge metal sliding door to the laboratory slid open. Jasper crouched low enough that the low walls bordering her enclosure hid most of her broad frame. She glared up, waiting for one of the human scientists to enter with another unpleasant test for her.

Instead, she got a short human running strangely into the room. She wasn’t a scientist that was clear from her strange uniform, a shirt proclaiming her apart of the meme team and shorts made of an odd blue material. She swiped her spiked platinum hair out of her face as her wide, green eyes took in all the computers behind her huge round glasses.

She looked non-threatening enough, so Jasper allowed herself to slowly stand. She coughed into her a hand, a gesture she picked up from her captors. It worked, drawing the short woman’s focus.

“Human, I must request your aid-“

“Holy shit! An alien!” The human screeched. She hurried to pull out her “cellphone” as humans call it and snapped the device in her direction.

Jasper let her face fall into a grimace. “Human, please.” She sighed. The human’s shock lasted a few more seconds before she acknowledge Jasper again, giving with a Huh?

“Your human brethren have ripped me away from my colony and held me prisoner for many days. You must free me, so that I can rejoin my own kind.”

“Wait.” The human’s face lit up yet again. “There’s more of you?!”

Jasper let out an annoyed huff. “Please. Just free my from my bonds.” She said, hoping the shorter phrasing would get her point across. Thankfully, the human nodded.

“I think I can pull that off. Not to brag, but I am the computer wizard behind the infamous meme team.” She chuckled, holding up the text on her shirt. Jasper only frowned in confusion.

“Anyway, which one of these did they use to put you in there?”

Jasper thought for a moment before pointing to a small console to her left. Peridot walked over and inspected it.

“This shouldn’t be too much of a problem. It’s a similar system to the one I use at home actually.” Peridot cracked her fibers before she let her fingers fly across the console’s keyboard. Keys clicked and clacked under her touch before she finished with one definite click. Jasper’s bounds let out a loud grinding sound and then clattered to the ground useless.

Jasper blinked, not believing what she saw. She walked forward and stepped over the enclosure’s wall. She made it past with no resistance. Jasper let out a hearty laugh.

“Well if that’s all- GAHH!” Jasper suddenly rushed Peridot, gathering the small human into her arms.

“Thank you, human! I am eternally grateful.” Jasper called out. Peridot made an odd sound. Jasper frowned down at the human buried in her chest. “Oh, sorry.” She set the human down.

Peridot was blushing fiercely, muttering incoherently as she stumbled on her own feet. It didn’t help that Jasper composed herself only to bow down on one knee. “W-What are you doing there?”

“By my honor as a proud soldier of the Pink Diamond Court, I am indebted to” Jasper frowned.


Jasper nodded. “Whatever I can do to repay you, just name it.”

“Really? Hmmm.” Peridot thought for a moment. “I know!” Peridot pulled out her “cellphone” again. She walked up to Jasper and posed. “Say cheese.”

“Cheese?” Jasper said confused.

“No, smile. Like this.” Peridot smiled at her. Jasper followed suit. “There you go.” Peridot snapped a photo. She giggled manically, sending the photo to Lapis.

“I found my new alien GF!” Peridot texted her, joking.

Little chat bubbles showed before a hearty “WHAT THE FUCK” graced her screen. “That was just meme, you walnut!” Lapis followed up with.

“I’m going to romance the crap out of her.” Peridot quickly shot back.

“She’ll crush you under all that muscle.”

“God, I hope so.” Peridot put back with a smirk before pocketing her phone.

“Is that all you need of me?” Jasper asked.

“Well, my crew will probably need help escaping now that we have you.” Jasper nodded at the request. Peridot smirked. “Good. Then maybe, we can stop and see some of the human sights. Say dinner and a movie?”

“What’s a dinner and a movie?” Jasper asked tilting her head.

“You’ll love it! It’s part of a human experience called a date!” Peridot assured her. Jasper smiled confidently.

“Very well, Peridot. Let’s go out to this date!” Jasper grabbed a hold of Peridot and set her on her broad shoulders. “Hold on tight. I’m sure we’ll have to bust out of here at some point.”

“O-ok!” Peridot stuttered, settling herself into a stable position. She directed Jasper out the sliding door and on their way to where the rest of the meme team had chosen to converge. While Jasper was busy making their way through a secured doors quite literally, Peridot sent off one last text to Lapis.

“She said yes :D.”

“You xenophilic Dorito.” Peridot laughed before shutting off her phone.