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Sense of Longing

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Chuuya dragged himself as well as his blanket to the nearest corner as his eyes rolled from Akutagawa to Dazai frantically. His mind told him that he was probably being kidnapped right now. This young man partnered up with Dazai to abduct him right from the start. Dazai played the part of a romanticist who missed his friend so much that he couldn’t let go of the memories they made on Chuuya’s place and Akutagawa teaming up with Atsushi played as his neighbors to watch his every move in case Dazai’s plan fall flat. Right now, to Chuuya, this was the most logical explanation of why he ended up meeting Dazai again. When they found him out on a vulnerable state, they must’ve had thought that it would be the best time for them to execute the abduction.

“What are you doing?” Akutagawa frowned as he caught Chuuya trembling in the corner while looking at both of him and Dazai with anger but also fear. He looked like a threatened and cornered animal protecting the piece of land he reigned from other animals. Which was weird for him and also Dazai because they didn’t want to do anything to him. At least Akutagawa wouldn’t do anything to him. A pair of dark orbs rolled aside to see whether Dazai was as confused as he was, yet contrast to him, Dazai seemed to be amused by Chuuya’s reaction. His lips crooked a mischievous grin as his gaze fixated to Chuuya.

The fiery orange-haired shrieked when Dazai leaned forward, “If you come any closer, I’m going to break your fucking skull!!”

Dazai laughed as he leaned back and put both hands up in the air, “Chuuya, you don’t remember me?”

Chuuya gritted his teeth, “Of course I remember you, you fucking liar!”

His eyelashes fluttered in confusion then turn on to Akutagawa, seeking for an explanation. When Akutagawa shrugged, he turned his gaze back to Chuuya and asked, “What do you mean by that?”

“If this is a lover’s spat, I’ll give you time…” Akutagawa said, uninterested to see this drama any longer. He just came because Atsushi had told him to wake them up for breakfast before he left.

“W, what?! What lover?!!”

Akutagawa scoffed, “Aren’t both of you lovers?”

Both of them responded at the same time, yet their reactions were different. While Dazai hummed in delight, Chuuya screamed out his opposition with a repulsive look in his eyes as his face muscles tensed. Akutagawa’s eyebrows twitched in displease. Who would’ve thought the fiery-haired man was this loud?

Before Akutagawa could say anything, Chuuya strike him with a series of questions, “Why are you saying such disgusting shit? Aren’t you the one who knows him all along? Both of you targeted me the moment you found out I moved to this place, right? You guys wanted to kidnap me and whether sell my body or my organs, don’t you?!”

Silence lingered in the air for a few seconds before Dazai bursted out laughing while he holding his belly, all of his body was shaking because of the outburst and tears were also seeping out from the corner of his eyes. As much as he found Chuuya’s accusation was too ridiculous to not be responded in a dramatic way, Dazai’s laughter was doubtlessly genuine. On the other hand, Akutagawa looked very distressed and two times more tired than he was earlier. Sleeping on the floor with only a blanket and pillow were indeed not a fun thing to experience. All the more, he had to face this on his day off.

“Nakahara-san… Are you perhaps still drunk?”

“No! I’m sober enough!”

“Chuuya, oh, Chuuya… You really just made my day.” Dazai wiped his tears as his laughter gradually receded.

A huge blow of embarrassment struck Chuuya down after he witnessed their reactions upon his senseless incriminations. He didn’t want to admit that sometimes he was dumb, but today became the day he couldn’t deny it anymore.

“So… no?”

Akutagawa sighed loudly, “What do you take me for?”

“Then why is he here?!”

“If both of you are sober enough to walk, please get out of this room and have breakfast here. Atsushi had prepared something for us before he left. I know Dazai-san wouldn’t refuse since he had already become our frequent guest for more than a week, but you…” The emo boy pierced Chuuya with his sharp gaze as he continued, “I hope you’re not shameless enough to refuse the offer.”


Chuuya felt like this man, despite his formal way of speaking, had an attitude Chuuya couldn’t stand. Not as worst as Dazai, though. Both Chuuya and Dazai made another scene just after they stepped out of the room. Chuuya wanted to wash his face off and fulfill his lavatory needs, so he asked Akutagawa where the bathroom was.

“I wanna come too.” As he wrapped his arms around Chuuya, what was he said had pissed him off, again.

“What are you? A pervert?!”

“Chuuya.” Dazai gasped dramatically, putting his left hand on his chest. It riled up Chuuya more as he glared from the corner of his eyes. His body was struggling and squirming in order to let himself go from Dazai’s clutch, but for some reason, the man didn’t budge at all. He didn’t want to.

Dazai continued, “It will be less time-consuming if we go together. That’s all.”

Chuuya’s lips twitched before he spat in a higher tone, “IT’S NOT LIKE I TAKE FOREVER TO PISS.”

They kept bickering and forgot that they were in someone’s place and that someone was there, witnessing their childish fight. Akutagawa massaged his temple in agony, folds in his forehead were thickened as his eyebrows furrowed in an irksome manner. If it was not for Atsushi, he would’ve kicked them out by now.

It was hard for him to meditate between them, since Dazai wouldn’t stop teasing him while Chuuya kept responding to him, sometimes verbally, sometimes physically. After he pulled Dazai away from Chuuya and dragged him to the living room, the noise would finally recede.

Dazai kept on giggling until he threw himself in the chair while folding one leg over the other. He couldn’t hide his delight and humming a few tones while letting Akutagawa poured him a cup of coffee. After his coffee was served, a small thank you left his lips and he took a sip.

“Is it true?”

“What is?”

“Both of you are not… ‘that’?”

A soft giggle left his mouth when he heard the question. He put the cup back onto the table and answered while he rested his chin on his hand.

“No. He is more like… my source of fun? You couldn’t help but tease him just to get his exaggerated reaction.”

“You are terrible. Clearly, you annoy him.” Akutagawa commented while poured himself another cup of coffee and proceed to drink it afterward. A cheeky smile painted his gentle features upon Akutagawa’s straight-forward statement as if he agreed to it.

On the other hand, Chuuya had just finished washing his face. As he looked at his reflection in the mirror, he clicked his tongue in a displeased manner. He knew how much of a mess he was every time he wakes up from his drunken state.  And of all people, the person he didn’t want to see again and his neighbors were the witnesses of it. Chuuya just wanted to escape the house and curled inside the blanket and never go out anymore.

Slowly, some conversation he had before being dragged inside this house started resurfacing. The one who talked to him and also dragged him here instead of guiding to his own house was Akutagawa. He looked really cold and ignorant the first time they met, but who would’ve known he was quite meddlesome.

“It’s not as if I would forget the password to my house just because I’m drunk,” Chuuya grumbled in a low voice. He cupped his cheeks and gave them a little squeeze while watching his own reflection.

Amidst the conversation with himself, Chuuya, for some reason, remembered specific words said by Akutagawa last night.

“I have to deal with your boyfriend every night, now I have to deal with you too.”

Every night. The words repeating itself inside his head as Chuuya tried to conclude something. He was gifted with high curiosity and that wouldn’t let him leaving things as it is. He needed to solve it whether it was trivial or not.

“Akutagawa mistook Dazai and me as lovers, so the boyfriend he referred to is that bastard. And he had been dealing with him every night? While he drunk? Because he said that now he had to deal with me too… At one glance, I could say the boy named Atsushi was the most meddlesome between those two, that Akutagawa just came along with his request. So, the possibility of them knowing Dazai before me is possibly zero… That leaves one possibility in the table…”

Chuuya rushed out of the bathroom to the dining table and grabbed Dazai by the collar without he even able to finish his greetings to Chuuya.

“I told you not to come here again, yet you still come? Every night?!”

“I thought as long as I didn’t see you, it’ll be okay for me to come?” Dazai smiled as if nothing had happened. Akutagawa heaved a sigh but decided not to say anything as of yet.

“But now I see you, what would you do about that, huh?! Should I really call the police?! Bothering my neighbor of all people!”

“Are you concern about them? Or about me? Chuuya is so attentive despite the hot-headed he is as a midget.”

“You picking a fight with me, huh?!”

“Chuuya-san, please. Bring him to your house if you want to fight, but first, sit down and have breakfast here.”

Chuuya raised his tone, feeling irritated, as he faced Akutagawa, “Do I look like I need breakfast?! I’m in the middle of something here!”

“Oh, you’ll need it. So, sit down.” He depressed every syllable in an intimidating low voice that made Chuuya freeze for a second.

“My, Chuuya. As a guest, we need to be polite. What are you doing?” Dazai who couldn’t keep his mouth shut had annoyed Chuuya even more. However, he decided to let him go and sat beside Dazai’s chair because Akutagawa aura was still intimidating enough that being near him would make him uneasy. Dazai slouched down beside him and every time his hand reached to touch him, Chuuya would slap his hand away.

“I’ll kick you out the moment I wake up but since Atsushi had prepared this for you, I can’t let you go and trash his effort.” Akutagawa’s tone was back to normal as he got up and prepared the breakfast.

Are you his lover or his parent?

Dazai voiced his gratitude towards Akutagawa (and Atsushi) and asked Chuuya to do the same to respect them. He clicked his tongue before mumbling it out softly and Dazai teased him again by saying how shy Chuuya was.

The breakfast was kind of awkward and mostly filled with Dazai and Chuuya bickerings. After finishing their breakfast, Chuuya offered to wash the dishes as his gratitude for helping him last night and the breakfast. He just went collecting the plates before Akutagawa could voice out his refusal. Dazai said he would help too, but all he did was an attempt to piss Chuuya off.

“Ah, Akutagawa… Once again, thank you. And sorry.”

He raised an eyebrow before he understood the apology Chuuya said to him.

“It’s fine. Though, I found it troublesome to always drag him inside after drunk himself away in front of your house. But Atsushi always couldn’t stay still, that idiot is really a meddlesome fellow and I got pulled into it naturally since I cannot trust drunkard adult.”

Dazai responded with a laugh as if he did nothing wrong while patted Akutagawa’s shoulder, “You guys are good kids. Thank you for taking care of me. I probably will still trouble both of you.”

“You—!” Chuuya glared while hit him in the head for saying something shameless.

“It became a habit for both of us, but please, never come again.”

“Aw, don’t say it like that, Akutagawa! We’ve already become friends, right?!”

“This bum… Next time he did that, just fucking call the police, I’ll be on you guys’ side to imprison this shady jerk.”

“Chuuya, so mean~”

“I don’t know what your relationship might be, please resolve it soon. Instead of nonsense bickering, try to have a serious talk.”

To be told like that by a younger one had made Chuuya embarrassed also irritated because if Dazai wasn’t around in the first place, he wouldn’t show this kind of childish side to his neighbors.

Chuuya grabbed him by the collar as he dragged him to the door.

“Akutagawa, one thing about this guy, words are useless. He would never listen or respond seriously. He just needs a good beating.”

Akutagawa nodded as if he was taking a note in his mind on how to deal with Dazai in the future.

“I leave the rest to you, then, Chuuya-san.”

“Eh? Eh? Wait, Chuuya? We can still talk, you know? Chuuya? Chuu—”

And the door shut behind them as they left Akutagawa’s place.