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Deans Letter To Sam

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Since day one, I knew I was gonna love you and cherish you with everything I have, when you finally opened up those hazel eyes and looked straight into mine when I first held you in my arms I felt a spark and a warmth in my body that I couldn't quite explain at the time, I had already become attached to you and you were just born 5 minutes after I held you


When I first called you sammy you smiled up at me, not mom, not dad




I was the reason you had your first smile, when you did…. I felt special as if I instantly became your favorite person in the whole world, was I your favorite? I remember when you were four and you chased me I remember the first time I came home with bruises on my face, you wouldn't shut up you wouldn't leave me alone, you didn't let me fall asleep since you were afraid that I probably had a concussion I can still feel the burning pain when you put alcohol on my cuts, I could still see the bandages scattered on my face when I woke up the next morning looking in the mirror I swear I thought I looked stupid but the look you gave me. The look of pure joy, you were so happy that your eyes were a brighter shade of hazel than ever before you were so proud of yourself you even asked “ did I do good De? do they still hurt? ” the bruises still stung but that smile, that innocent sweet smile makes the pain go away any day Sammy


I remember the first time you wanted to go on a hunt, you were only nine and I argued with dad to not let you go, I didn't want you to go, me not wanting you to get hurt were one of the reasons but I also wanted you to enjoy your childhood a little while longer it wasn't perfect like our lives, but it was still something though


You started regret that you wanted to go on hunts when you hit fifteen, you hated it you would catch an attitude but you still did the research, then dad got worse….. er? With his drinking and his attitude, started to swing more, stood out longer while I watched after you trying to understand my baby brother all over again since I thought we lost whatever connection we had


Some days I thought you hated me, despised me not wanting me around probably wanting to leave and never come back


I could still hear you yelling at me for something, it probably hurt since I can’t remember whatever the hell you said. I was never able to tell if you hated me or not couldn't tell if it was you snapping at me or puberty. I would go out for a drive whenever you would, just to blow off steam so I won’t snap at you or on a hunt which would end with me bloody and bruised


You'd try to stitch me up but i'd push you away


Cause’ at those moments when your mad at me or im mad at you I wouldn't want you to be near me or me to be near you. You’d try to apologize to me after you being pissy or me just strictly ignoring you, sometimes it was like as if you forgot I had feelings, emotions, a heart. Sure dad would snap at me, insult me even


But when you did it…. Your words cut deeper than his words ever did


I know I wasn't the best brother hell I couldn't even get you a damn cake on your birthday, but I tried Sammy I really did, I tried to give you a normal life the best way I can but I couldn't I failed you in that department


Guess that's why you left me and went to stanford when you hit 18 for a normal life while I stayed home and kept on with the family business




Family Business…


How can I even call it that if your not here?






But your happy over there… right Sammy? Your smile seems to be twice as big as it was when you were here with me and dad….. And that girl, y’know with the blonde hair….. She seems to make you happy you're always smiling and laughing with her like you used to with me… does she know about me? About us? it's been two years you know… since you left me with dad


Your twenty now… so happy late birthday, I still have those nightmares, how about you?


I wake up each morning hoping when I open my eyes, your laying in the other bed still asleep your hair and bangs messy from you tossing and turning, but that's only a dream right? As i'm living through a nightmare each day of my life?. Every waking moment? Every hour every second every minute?


You were my everything Sammy and you still are, my life is incomplete without you in it, without you I don't exist, Dean Winchester don't exist just a pile of flesh walking the world alone trying to look for itself and figure out what it is. Without you I guess i'm nobody cause there ain't no me if there ain't no you


I Love You little brother, more than you'll ever understand……


Hope your doing well in stanford, I Miss You


-Your Brother Dean


The letter never got to Sam, instead it was put away in an old looking box with the rest of the fifty plus letters he wrote to Sam.