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They were perfectly ordinary pieces of paper lying on the floor of the dangerously over-fabulous office. A moment ago it had been part of a set, stored safely inside a folder in the filing cabinet behind the black and gold desk with several autographed pictures of the same metallic figure. But less than a moment ago, a cat had snuck into the office, taken out the "Screenplays and Manuscripts - For Consideration" Folder and shoved his own magnum opus into it, not noticing the displacement of one of the two other works the boss had considered giving his blessing to. It would be a few hours before the owner of the office discovered it, and for the consequences to fall down on the intruder, so for now the pages lay, face up, with no audience save someone who happened to be describing them from across time and space. Or white dogs. Whichever one spies on this empty scene, the pages are recounted in the order they lay on the floor.


MTT™ Entertainment: Confidential. All rights reserved.

Work Name: Me, Myself and Mew! A History

Format: Stage play, optional musical (Lyrics available on request)

(Handwritten note): Exploratory casting to be carried out ASAP, darlings!


ACT I, SCENE III

(MAD stands silently amid the brackish water. To the untrained eye they are still, at peace. To those who truly understand, they are pulsating with intensity, looking totally dramatic. AARON floats along.)

AARON: Hey, dude! How's it going?

MAD: (Levitating out of the water) Buzz off, you jerk!"

AARON: Woah, woah, chill out bro!

MAD: I'll chill out when I'm dead!

(MAD sends an angry missile towards AARON, who deflects it with a flex. De-flexes it?)

AARON: So you don't wanna talk about it, then?"

MAD: Gee, ya think?!

AARON: Not too hard, it counters my gains.

(AARON stares at MAD in reverent silence. MAD suddenly throws a knife at a submerged picnic hamper.)

MAD: Useless, useless, useless!


(AARON reaches out with an overmuscled arm, but knows not to touch his friend.)

AARON: Yeah, that human made me look dumb too. But that music, man! I just... I didn't know they could ever make such a noise without magic.

MAD: Shuddup! It's not about that! It's not just about that I mean, I mean- Shuddup!

(AARON obliges the request. MAD continues to brood, glowering at the audience to convey their sensitive side. Eventually they give up and continue.)

MAD: It's not that I lost. It's that I lost! It's no big deal to you, you got your body to fall back on if you don't earn fame and glory! What do I have? My witty repertoire of comebacks and a dummy of a body that doesn't even do what I tell it to properly! I needed a win to... To matter! To have matter!

AARON: (Meaning well, but not yet understanding) Well if your body ain't ripped enough, you could join me at the free weights room and do some lifting.

MAD: (Serene) Oh, sure, I'll just get a sweat band and float in there and lift (Suddenly passionate) WITH WHAT ARMS, YOU IDIOT?! And magic doesn't count!

(The stabbed hamper, assorted garbage and AARON's tail all suddenly rise into the air, before falling back down with a multitude of splashes)


ACT IV, SCENE I

(The SHRINE is in ruins. MEW is standing in a quiet recess tunnelled into the building. To the untrained eye she is still, at peace. To those who truly understand, she is pulsating with wonder at her new situation. AARON scrambles in.)

AARON: Bro! Or, wait, is it "bro-ette"? I dunno anymore.

MEW: "Bro" is fine, Aaron! What's up, mew?

AARON: The human! Word is they reached Asgore, but turned back for some reason! I hear they're headed this way!

(MEW looks surprised, but not alarmed at this news. AARON stares uncertainly. Suddenly, MEW leaps straight over AARON and lands on all fours, hissing menacingly, her tail pointed skyward.)

MEW: This is perfect! I shall have my round two!

AARON: (Worried) You sure? What if they whip you again?

MEW: That'll never happen! I have five times as many limbs now! That's five times the opportunity to defeat them, mew! I will triumph, triumph, triumph!

(AARON looks in wonder.)

AARON: Bro... you're more inspiring than when I had to order a custom dumbbell because the heaviest was too light for me!

MEW: I know I am, Aaron! Now, will you join forces with me? This is clearly a chance for you too, mew. We can both reclaim our honour!

AARON: ...no way lady, I'm not ready for more creepy music.

(MEW raises a fist to the sky.)

MEW: Very well, mew! The glory shall be mine!


MAD: I just thought it'd be poetic, you know? When Strathclyde told me about what the human did, I figured a dummy taking revenge for a dummy would be proper justice. And maybe in my righteous triumph I'd... I'd finally be able to grab the mortal coil. I'd... fit in.

AARON: Bro...

(MAD drifts forlornly to the edge of the stage. AARON grabs a large boulder and deadlifts it, just because he can. It's how he processes difficult thoughts.)

AARON: Well- Hnh!- If your- Hnh!- current body- Hnh!- isn't enough- Hnh!- to beat the human- Hnh!- maybe you should- Hnh!- change it!

MAD: What do you mean?

AARON: Hnh!- You're cloth and cotton, right? Hnh!- try sewing some add ons. Like- Hnh!- a rope with- Hnh!- a knife on the end so- Hnh!- you don't lose it.

MAD: (Angry) That's a terrible idea! Haunting several things at once is really hard, and I'd never fuse with it! Plus I'll probably look stupid!

AARON: Oh, sorry- Hnh!- Never knew- Hnh!- How it works.

MAD: You opaques never do. It's what I like about you!


ACT V, SCENE II

(ASGORE sits in the throne room, surrounded by lots of monsters. He gets to his feet.)

ASGORE: Lady Mew Mew, step forward.

(MEW emerges from the crowd. Everyone applauds. AARON starts weeping with joy. WOSHUA looks up at him with a bemused smile. The HUMAN stands by ASGORE with begrudging admiration. MEW reaches the center of the room and does a curtsy, then stands upright. To the untrained eye she is still, at peace. To those who truly understand, she is pulsating with triumph at her accomplishment.)

ASGORE: We are gathered here today to recognise the crucial role you played in recent events. The barrier is gone, and it could never have happened without your help!

HUMAN: That's right, Mew Mew. We would all still be trapped if you didn't have the determination to figure everything out.

MEW: Well that's mighty swell of you, mew, but it was really a team effort. If it weren't for-

ASGORE: Here is the Laudriel Crest, the highest accolade the Kingdom has for individual service to the realm.

MEW: Pin it right here, mew!

(MEW sticks out her chest as ASGORE pins the beautiful but tasteful golden medal to her chest. The HUMAN starts clapping, leading everyone else to shower MEW in applause. The orchestra plays a suitably triumphant tune to honour the clear hero of the day, see JW-ANH-Final for example.)

ASGORE: It has been so long since I have felt personal pride in anyone, Lady Mew Mew. Honestly, you feel like the daughter I never had.

CAPTAIN UNDYNE: Hell yeah! If anyone can be that, it's Mew Mew!

MEW: Sire, I am honoured! I know I can never truly replace what you have lost and sacrificed for us all, mew, but if I can help heal that wound, then a small monthly stipend should cover my expenses in that avenue!

ASGORE: (Overjoyed) Agreed!

METTATON: Congratulations, darling! You are almost as successful as I am, now!<

(Everyone starts applauding again. Suddenly, the doors burst open, and


(MAD kicks rocks around with their base to vent off some of their infinite supply of steam. AARON puts the boulder down. The weight of his friend's problem is, for the moment, too much. Instead he flexes, hoping the right pose will allow the answer to flow into him. Despite everything, it does.)

AARON: Well I wouldn't normally suggest this, because body improvement is more my bag, but if you're that certain your current body is useless, maybe you should just get a new one?

(MAD's eyes remain still. Mainly because they're sewed into position. If MAD could move them, they would be rolling.)

MAD: (Sarcastic) Great idea, "Bro". And what should I haunt? That rock? Just leap on top of the human after seven seconds warning and try to squish them? Then I go hang out with those weirdos in the Ruins?

AARON: Nah, bro. It's lift or be lifted, don't be someone that gets lifted. There's bound to be a body you feel more comfortable in.

MAD: (Clearly skeptical) Sure, right. Like someone's gonna just come along with that very thing...

(Splashing water catches both MAD and AARON's attention. They look off stage, and ALPHYS scurries on, carrying a large box.)

ALPHYS: ...can't b-believe what they throw away, and in s-such good condition. I can't w-wait to show-

AARON: Hey, what's up, doc?

(ALPHYS squeaks in shock, moves the box out of AARON's sight. MAD watches it keenly, eyeing a white gloved hand and a pink tail sticking out over the top.)

ALPHYS: Eek! Oh h-hello, Aaron. I was j-just...



AARON: What's in the box?

ALPHYS: Oh, just some human artifacts. I t-thought I could g-gather some intelligence from them.

AARON: (Shrugging) Alright, whatever. Hey, you gonna reconsider joining my exercise club?

ALPHYS: Oh, I'd l-love to, but the K-king's counting on me.

AARON: Right, right, breaking the barrier. Well good luck with that!

ALPHYS: T-thanks...

(ALPHYS picks up her box just as MAD was about to look inside, and exits, looking agitated. AARON looks on with a benign smile.)

AARON: You ever think Doctor Alphys looks more stressed these days? Wonder what's up? Hey, bro...?

(MAD is completely still. The trained eye knows they are formulating a plan.)

MAD: You know what, Aaron? Maybe I will try a new body.

AARON: Really? Cool! What do you have in mind.

MAD: I'm not sure, but I need to... look into it.

AARON: Well glad I could help you out!

MAD: Yeah, yeah, YEAH! Thanks Aaron!

(Exit, pursued by a bear.)

BEAR: And another thing about politics is...


END SCENE


END ACT