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Worth the Effort (?)

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"Have you ever, you know, made an effort?" Crowley asked, halfway between leering and tenderhooks. 

"I haven't really bothered," admitted Aziraphale. "It always seemed like far too much work." 

Crowley raised an eyebrow at that. "Not even for Wil-" 

"Far too much work." Repeated Aziraphale, looking into his wine glass as though it contained the answer to The Question he hadn't yet been asked. He took a sip to steady himself, and put one hand on Crowley's thigh. "Of course, you would be worth it." He murmured, trying to ignore Crowley's stiffening and, er, stiffening

"Bedroom?" Crowley asked, voice hoarse. With a thought, they were there. There was a moment as they readjusted to the bed. Aziraphale put his wine glass on the side table, and began to undo his bowtie with trembling hands. Crowley just snapped, and he was naked as a newborn babe, though thankfully without any of the fluids that tended to be involved. He was very, very eager, and Aziraphale had to fight back a blush as he looked upon Crowley's entire being. "Can't you go any faster?" Crowley asked, staring at Aziraphale hungrily. 

Aziraphale sighed, and miracled his clothing off. "Don't say anything." He muttered, searching his memories for where he'd put the latest copy of Your Corporation And You. While he had technically had the same corporation since The Beginning, aside from that dreadful business with the apocalypse, Heaven liked to send out the corporation equivalent of software updates that were dreadfully inconvenient. 

"You're a blessed Ken doll." Crowley said, ignoring Aziraphale's request, and wiggling around to get a close up look. 

"Yes, well." Aziraphale said with a sniff and a snap, and a golden manual showed up. "You should take it as a compliment, really. I haven't bothered to do this until now." 

"Oh I most definitely will," Crowley muttered, hissing a little as he rubbed against the sheets. 

"We can take care of you first, if you'd like." Aziraphale said, glancing down with some concern. "As you're already ready." 

"Sssssokay Angel, I can wait." There was a lascivious grin on his face as Crowley looked up at Aziraphale. "I've waited sssssssix thoussssssand years for you, a couple of minutessssss isssss nothing to worry about." 

"Er, well, this might take a while." Aziraphale admitted, scanning the page for Manifesting Desired Genitalia - Human Male. 


"I mean," Aziraphale began, before showing the page to Crowley. Crowley scanned the page, eyebrows raising and other bits lowering as he went further through the instructions. "It might take some time." 

Crowley blinked for affect, and his jaw dropped. He dropped his head into his hands for moment, and when his eyes finally met Aziraphale's again, the lustful need had fled, leaving only mirth. "I sssuppose we'd better get started."

"We?" Aziraphale asked, eyes wide. "Oh, I'm sure I can take care of this on my end, there's no need for you to bother." 

"Oh, I'm bothered, Angel." Crowley said, "It wasn't that hard when I did it." 

"Was that pre- or post- nephilim?" Aziraphale asked, head tilted. 

"Ngk," Crowley acknowledged. "What's the first step."


"Read me out the first step, and we'll get you sorted." 

"Er, right. Step One: Stroke finger between legs for at least five seconds. This should be down in a motion starting from the head, lest you want the genitals to manifest upside-down. Crowley, don't you even think about it." 

Crowley, who was thinking about it but more in terms of "how would that even work...?" placed two fingers on the angel's pubic region and stroked down for a count of five. 

"N-ext," Aziraphale said, cheeks flushed, "Use your finger to stroke a circle west to east taking at least eight seconds to do so.

Crowley dragged his fingers around in a circle, manifesting a bit of fingernail to help with the sensation. He was, after all, only trying to help. "Done." 

"Hold your finger in place at the bottom of the circle for a count of two, before stroking it up in an eight count and holding it again for a count of two." 

Crowley followed the instructions dutifully, enjoying Aziraphale's reaction as he did so. If this was how he reacted to just plain touch... He smiled, and imagined how Aziraphale might react when there was something to touch. "Is that it." 

"No, I'm afraid." Aziraphale said with a grimace. "Now we have to do that twice more." 

"The holy trinity." Crowley whispered into Aziraphale's pubic area. 

"Don't bring work into this..." Aziraphale griped, but he read the instructions out again. 

Crowley wondered if using two fingers instead of the one would cause anything special to happen, but he shrugged. He was a demon, causing trouble was part of his job description. Dutifully he followed the instructions, enjoying the unnatural stillness with which Aziraphale held himself. There was a moment of silence after the third round, and then it manifested. Thick and plump like the rest of Aziraphale, with a mound of white hair around the base. He suspected it was larger than it was supposed to be, given it's overall size, and he grinned. He was a snake, after all, he was used to swallowing large things whole. 

"Well, there you go." Aziraphale said, blush staining his whole face crimson, and trickling down his neck. 

"It'sssss beautiful." Crowley said, "I can't wait to play with it." 

"About that," Aziraphale said, tapping his fingers against the bedspread. "Apparently there are more instructions on how to 'turn it on', as it were." 

"For.... Sssssssomone's sake." Crowley said, dropping his head in hands. 

"Yes, well, hopefully this will be more agreeable?" Aziraphale said, showing the page to Crowley. 

Crowley read it. Step One: Stroke hand down shaft for eight seconds, than hold for two. He could live with that. He continued reading down the list until - 

You will know that your Human Genitalia - Male is fully operational when it flashes light on and off three times. 

"What the fuck."