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Love By the Numbers

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Fourth Breakup With Jocasta (Fifth? Aaron's too Drunk to Remember)

“I’m never going to fall in love again,” said Aaron.

“Jocasta dumped you again?”

Aaron nodded, and reached for a beer. “I mean I don’t know what she wants! She’s a robot, I’m a robot, unlike most robots I’m not related to her, and I mean look at me!” Aaron gestured.

Deadpool looked Aaron up and down. “You are one damn fine hunk of titanium.”

“You know that’s right. What more could any woman desire?”

“Or man.”

“Very true. My sexiness is appreciated by all genders!” Aaron grabbed another beer. “Anyway I loved her! I mean I loved her…her…”

“Her shiny metal ass?” Deadpool asked.

“No!” Aaron shook his head. “Okay, well yes, but not just that! I loved her shiny metal everything! I thought about her all the time, wanted to be with her and fantasized about being with her! True love!”

“Sounds right.” Deadpool nodded.

“But no, she wants to explore humanity. You know what that means?”

Deadpool looked blank.

“Humanity? Hello? Tony Stark! She wants to ‘explore his humanity’, of you know what I mean!”

“Sex!” Deadpool declared brightly. He held up a hand.

Aaron gave Deadpool a quick high five, before catching himself. “Yes, but not in a cool way! The woman I love is off riding some meatbag!” Aaron sighed. “Anyway, that’s it. She’s crazy, and I’m done with love! This bot’s flying solo! I will never fall in love again!”

“You know what you should do?” Deadpool asked.

“Go inter-dimensional zombie-hunting until either I die or life has meaning again?”


Aaron shrugged. “Yeah, it might not work this time. Anyway, probably couldn’t track down the duck.”

“You should…”. Deadpool grabbed a beer bottle and started gesticulating. “You should teach her a lesson! Find some meatbag of your own and ride that meat stick - or let them ride your titanium hardness, whichever way you want to go - before she gets the chance!”

Aaron tilted his head. “You think that would work?”

“Trust me!”

“Okay, where do I find a meatbag?”

“You know,” said Deadpool suggestively, “I’m made of meat.”

Aaron considered for a moment. “Yeah, I could use a laugh.”

Eighty-Third Drunken Hookup

Aaron looked down at the bed where Wade was sleeping. Wade had kept his mask on all night, and if Aaron understood fleshy breathing mechanisms correctly, that was not going to be comfortable.

On the other hand, he was sleeping peacefully. That was so rare for Wade. He normally had post-traumatic nightmares, and needed to be stroked and soothed if Aaron was going to have any hope of getting in some peaceful night-drinking and porn at two in the morning. Some nights, Aaron ended up forgoing beer and robot porn in favor of...helping Wade get a good night’s sleep…but he didn’t really mind…because he wanted Wade to be happy…more than he wanted porn and beer...

A horrified realization struck Aaron. He swore loudly. “☠️☠️☠️☠️!”

Wade jerked awake and pulled the gun out from under his pillow. “Are we under attack?”

“Worse.” Aaron slammed his head against the wall. The wall proved annoyingly fragile and gave way. Maybe he could find some good concrete blocks to work up a decent dent.

Wade was still scanning the room for threats. “Invasion? Ultron? End of the world again? Disney bought up Fox and decided my movie franchise isn’t family-friendly enough?”

Aaron let out a pained groan. “I love you, you stupid ☠️☠️☠️☠️ meatbag!” He shook his head. “I must be malfunctioning. I’m going to get my programming scanned for viruses.”

He activated the jets in his feet and flew out through the wall.

Five Hundred and Seventy-First Diagnostic Test

“What the ☠️☠️☠️☠️ do you mean there’s nothing wrong?”

“Language,” said Captain America.

Dr. McCoy poked at the console. “I mean if you want a robotics expert, I’m not the best choice. Tony Stark…”


Captain America frowned. “I mean if you’re malfunctioning…”

“Stark stole my girlfriend. So no.”

Captain America blinked. “Stark stole…Jocasta?”

Aaron nodded. “He lured her away with his fleshy wiles.”

“Maybe you should check again, Hank.”

Hank McCoy nodded. “I’m currently not seeing any malfunctions. Aaron, can you tell me what the problem is?”

Aaron shook his head. “It’s too embarrassing for words.”

“Memory loss?” Captain America asked. “Uncontrolled behavior? I remember the last time…”

Aaron sighed. “Nothing like that. I…have developed feelings for someone I never would have had feelings for if I wasn’t going insane.”

Steve gave Aaron a look. “Aaron, emotions can be complicated and unexpected, and sometimes you find yourself feeling things you didn’t expect…”

“I think I’m in love with Deadpool.”

“Deadpool isn’t…I mean he has…qualities that…”. Steve trailed off and looked helplessly at Hank.

Hank nodded. “I’ll check again.”

Seventeenth Knock on the Door

Aaron opened the door. “Damn it, what are you doing here?”

“I came to see you,” Deadpool said. “You were acting weird, and then you wouldn’t return my calls.”

Aaron sighed. “Did it occur to you that might be because I don’t want to talk to you? Because I never want to see you again?”

“Oh good!” said Deadpool. “That solves a lot! I’ll be going, then. Things to do, people to kill.” He started to close the door.

Second Thoughts

Aaron grabbed it. “What do you mean ‘Oh good, that solves a lot’? You don’t want to see me?”

“I thought you didn’t want to see me!”

“I didn’t!” said Aaron. “But that doesn’t mean some sack of decaying flesh gets to reject me!” He grabbed Deadpool and dragged him back inside. “Now you’re going to tell me why I’m not good enough for you, I’m going to prove you wrong, and then we’re going to restore the natural order, by ending this with me rejecting you!”

“It’s not that you’re not good enough!” Deadpool said. “I mean you’ve full of knives, guns, and flamethrowers, which makes you the boyfriend I used to fantasize about back in high school. It’s me who isn’t good enough for you!”

Aaron folded his arms. “It’s not you, it’s me? Unconvincing. Do better.”

Deadpool sighed and rubbed his face through his mask. “Look, you know what happens when people love me?”

“Unpleasantly organic activities involving weird smells and sticky fluids?”

“No. Well, sometimes. But when people love me, I betray them! I fail them! They get hurt, sometimes because of me, sometimes by me! Either they die, or they end up with their life ruined, and they hate me forever and regret knowing me.”

“Do they?” Aaron tilted his head. “That would solve a lot."


“I mean obviously I’m not going to die because I know you. Robot, remember?” Aaron tapped his chest. “I’m incredibly difficult to kill. And if being with you would make me hate you, that would solve this whole temporary insanity thing I’m clearly suffering from.” Dr. McCoy completely and totally failed to find any coding errors or mechanical issues, and Steve Rogers had been increasingly attempting to give Aaron the How To Be A Robot With Feelings talk that Aaron assumed he’d given to the legendary android war hero Jim Hammond at some point. (How Jim Hammond avoided punching Steve out after that, Aaron would never know.) “So it’s decided, we’re boyfriends now.”

Deadpool looked up at Aaron. “Do I have a choice?”

“Of course,” said Aaron. “Either you leave for my own good, never come near me, and maintain this noble sacrifice for the rest of your life, or I use my more creative attachments to take you to new heights of sexual pleasure.”

Deadpool looked down again. “Damn. Can I have amnesia drugs so I forget you exist?”

“Probably not.”

“What kind of attachments?”

Aaron grinned. “I’ve been illegally downloading design specs from several of the more creative laboratories in Japan.”

Deadpool tiled his head. “Is there any chance you only temporarily hate me when I inevitably fuck things up, and eventually forgive me and become my awesome robot buddy again?”

“I mean it’s not impossible.” Especially since he’d grown alarmingly attached to Deadpool, to the point of worrying about him over the past few weeks. Aaron had caught himself spending idle minutes wondering if Deadpool was okay, if he had somewhere comfortable to sleep, and how much he was being stabbed and shot.

Deadpool stuck out his hand. “It’s a deal!”

Aaron grabbed Deadpool, pulled up the mask, and kissed him.

Third Anniversary

“I don’t think this plan is working,” said Aaron.

“No, it’ll be awesome!” Deadpool looked up from the explosive he was wiring. “The explosion serves as a distraction while the trained pigeons take the microchip! Anyway, in case we need a backup plan, I have several dozen guns, and my boyfriend doubles as a flamethrower!”

“Not that plan,” Aaron said. “You know how you inevitably☠️☠️☠️☠️things up, relationship-wise and betray the people you love so they hate you?”

Deadpool gave Aaron a worried look. “Yeah? Are you leaving me?”

“No, that’s just it! You ☠️☠️☠️☠️ things up with me by not managing to ☠️☠️☠️☠️ things up! You haven’t done anything wrong in three years!”

“That doesn’t sound right. What about when I shot you in the head last week?”

“That was hilarious! Did you see the look on their faces when I got up again?”

“What about…no, right, you don’t have any family…and you can casually shrug off a stabbing…accidentally dropping you into space didn’t do any real harm, and…that time I went evil?”

Aaron shrugged. “I mean mind control. It happens. Anyway, the point is, you’re completely failing to make me hate you! This was not the plan.”

“We could get married?” Deadpool offered. “I mean that’s sure to end in horrible disaster. Remember my last marriage, and how it ended with the monster invasion of Manhattan? If I married you, I’m pretty sure it would end up like the Terminator films.”

“Robot conquest of the fleshy ones?”

“I was thinking, an initially creative idea that was increasingly played out and weakened by the need to put the visibly-aging action star in the role of the robot over and over again, but yeah, that too.”

Aaron sighed. “Damn it, Wade! You offer to marry me and dangle the prospect of a robot revolution? You know this means I have to say yes!”