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Published:
2019-07-03
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2020-02-16
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2/2
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so I think it's best we both forget

Summary:


Two sincere confessions given in the dark.

Notes:

Russian translation/Русский перевод by DarkLordEsti here

(See the end of the work for more notes.)

Chapter 1: the way you held me so tight

Chapter Text

Jiang Cheng was certain that he'd never been more drunk in his entire life. He shouldn't have challenged Wei Wuxian to a drinking contest. That much had been clear. His brother had an inhuman tolerance for things—alcohol, spiciness, all of it. Halfway through, Jiang Cheng had known that he’d made a mistake, but by then it was far too late.

 

At least he didn't have to say that he lost, if only because they'd both lost count of how many jars of Emperor's Smile surrounded them. Then Wei Wuxian had gotten pulled away by a group of admirers, and maybe Jiang Cheng would have felt more bitterly about that had he not been granted the reprieve of stumbling back to his own dorm alone, with no one to see how affected he really was.

 

He walked with one hand against the wall to support himself. The silvery moon above him shifted in and out of focus, sometimes blurring into two as he teetered along. The syrupy perfume of honeysuckle enveloped him. Despite the effort he put into staying steady, he tripped over his own feet and fell forward, planting face-first into the chest of an oncoming passerby.

 

"Wanyin-xiong," came a soft voice.

 

The night air had cleared his mind just enough to recognize who he'd fallen onto. Immediately, he relaxed.

 

"Huaisang," he slurred, arms coming up around Nie Huaisang's back, cheek nuzzling into the crook of his neck. He thought that he’d never been so happy to see someone in his life. He hadn’t expected the way he’d grown fond of Huaisang’s presence, the way he’d light up when Huaisang grinned mischievously at him, how Huaisang had so seamlessly woven himself into Jiang Cheng’s heart.

 

"How drunk are you?" Huaisang laughed, taken aback. He pulled away and held Jiang Cheng's face up with both hands. His touch felt blissfully cool, and Jiang Cheng found himself leaning into it.

 

"Couldn't lettim win," came Jiang Cheng's reply. Just the thought made him sulk a little. Although, privately, he was beginning to understand why the Lan sect prohibited alcohol. The wooden boards beneath his feet were starting to look wavy.

 

"I see," Huaisang laughed again, as if he understood everything. There was no mockery in his voice, only mild amusement. "I'll walk back with you."

 

"M'kay." Jiang Cheng could vaguely recall having seen Huaisang earlier that night, standing at the edge of the crowd, eyes alert and observing. He didn't remember whether Huaisang had been drinking or not. Maybe one jar at the most. That would explain why Huaisang was able to stand, and he wasn’t.

 

He let himself be guided along, one arm slung across Huaisang's shoulders, Huaisang's hand around his middle. Jiang Cheng closed his eyes. Despite his slight figure, Huaisang supported him steadily and kept him upright.

 

"We're here," Huaisang said once they reached Jiang Cheng's room. A few more steps, and Jiang Cheng felt himself deposited on his bed. A moment later, a cup was pressed against his lips.

 

"You'll thank me tomorrow," came Huaisang's reply to Jiang Cheng's grumbling about having to sit up. Jiang Cheng emptied the cup twice, and Huaisang filled it up again, waiting as he slowly sipped. He flopped onto his back while Huaisang placed the cup and the water pitcher on his nightstand.

 

"I'm going to go back now," Huaisang told him. "Unless…” Concern pulled his brows together. “Will you be alright?"

 

Hearing this made Jiang Cheng frown. "Stay with me," he said, reaching for Huaisang's waist and pulling them both down onto the bed. His only thought was that he didn’t want Huaisang to leave. He couldn’t quite put together why just yet. Lately, he wanted to be around Huaisang more. In his current state, he saw nothing stopping himself from indulging in that.

 

"Oh," Huaisang pushed away gently, trying to free himself and get up. "Wanyin-xiong, surely you won't remember any of this tomorrow. What will you think if you wake up with me in your bed?"

 

"I don't care," Jiang Cheng insisted petulantly, holding tightly onto Huaisang's waist. His voice came out muffled, face buried in the fabric of Huaisang's robes. "I want you here. I'll remember."

 

"Mm," Huaisang hummed agreeably. "I'll wait until you fall asleep, then." He brushed Jiang Cheng’s bangs away from his face.

 

"It's too warm to sleep.” It was only June. Summer had barely begun, and the hottest days were still ahead of them, but the humidity of Gusu was already unbearable. Nights were better, but the stickiness still settled like a haze, blanketing the Cloud Recesses in a tranquil nonchalance. The strict atmosphere suddenly relaxed a little, and everything relaxed with it. Disciples laughed more, their postures loose. Daydreaming became more frequent. Words slipped out when they weren’t supposed to.

 

"Maybe you would cool down if you weren't hanging onto me," Huaisang replied, but he made no motion to move away. He reached for his fan, unfolded it, and waved it in Jiang Cheng's direction.

 

"Nn. That feels nice." Jiang Cheng burrowed even closer. The soft exhales he made against Huaisang's skin made Huaisang shiver.

 

They fell into silence. Eventually, Huaisang put the fan down. He ghosted his fingers over Jiang Cheng’s features so lightly as if he were afraid to really touch him, as if at any moment, Jiang Cheng’s eyes would fly open and he’d demand to know what Huaisang was doing. When no such thing happened, Huaisang grew bolder, brushing over Jiang Cheng’s cheeks before sliding to trace over the line of his collarbones.

 

Jiang Cheng didn’t think he’d ever been regarded with such tenderness in his life. He sank into it easily. Wouldn’t it be nice if every night could be like this? The thought nestled in his ear. He was almost asleep when Huaisang spoke again.

 

"You know, Wanyin-xiong..." Huaisang began hesitantly. "Since you'll forget by tomorrow, this is the only time I can tell you... I’m not brave enough, otherwise...”

 

He paused, taking a moment to consider what to say before continuing. "I think you're really amazing, Jiang Wanyin... Since the time we've met, I've always admired you… I think...” Another pause. “No, I’m sure,” he amended. “I’m sure that I've fallen for you."

 

Jiang Cheng cracked open an eye. One by one, the words made their way to him. "What about Wei Wuxian?" He asked, suddenly feeling very defenseless. "You hang around him a lot." Between him and his brother, it seemed too good to be true that Huaisang wouldn’t be even more dazzled by the latter.

 

"No,” Huaisang said simply. “For me, it's always been you." He smiled, but Jiang Cheng couldn't read his expression. He felt his heart constrict. Huaisang was saying the words he’d thought he’d never hear, never dared to hope for. To have someone pick him.

 

"Me too, though," he whispered. "It could only ever be you." Perhaps it was pathetic of him to latch onto the first person who showed him that kind of attention. He briefly wondered if he was just responding to being cared for, but the burning in his chest he felt when Huaisang was near couldn’t be feigned.

 

"Don't say that," Huaisang scolded him gently. "You'll end up with someone much more remarkable than I am."

 

"But I only want you!" Jiang Cheng protested.

 

Huaisang let out a breathless sort of sound. "Wanyin-xiong, you..."

 

Nie Huaisang, with his clever mouth and long eyelashes, who could get Jiang Cheng to laugh at the most unexpected of times, who made hanging around Wei Wuxian somehow more bearable…

 

Jiang Cheng had fallen for him, too. He realized that now, with shocking clarity.

 

“You’re drunk,” Huaisang whispered. “You don’t know what you’re saying.”

 

“I mean every word.” Jiang Cheng seemed almost lucid as he spoke. "Huaisang, I'll remember tomorrow. I'll remember, and then you'll see... then we can... we can…" His tongue felt heavy in his mouth. He couldn’t finish his sentence.

 

“Wouldn’t that be nice?” Huaisang smiled sadly, allowing himself to indulge the idea for just a second. He could never resist dreaming about the impossible. He always had a propensity, it seemed, for people and things far out of his reach. Jiang Cheng was an exceptional cultivator who would one day spearhead the Yunmeng Jiang Sect. Huaisang technically had a claim to being sect leader as well, but he wholeheartedly hoped that that day would never come. It wouldn’t suit him, he knew. He couldn’t come close to the likes of Jiang Cheng.

 

They were decidedly not meant to be, fate already forewritten in the stars. Huaisang was an idealist, but he wasn’t a fool. Whoever Jiang Cheng ended up with, it wouldn’t be Huaisang.

 

“I promise,” Jiang Cheng tried again.

 

"Go to sleep." Huaisang loosened Jiang Cheng's hair, undoing his braids and running his fingers through the waves, moving down his back in slow, soothing motions.

 

"I'll remember..."

 

Huaisang pressed a kiss to his forehead. His lips were the softest thing Jiang Cheng had ever felt. Even through the fog of alcohol clouding his mind, Jiang Cheng knew he wanted more of that contact. He tipped his head up, but only managed to clumsily skim Huaisang's chin. His eyes were sliding shut against his will.

 

"Goodnight, Jiang Wanyin."

 

 


 

Jiang Cheng woke up the next morning at dawn. He was alone, curled under his blanket, holding a pillow to his chest. He blinked, trying to clear his head, wondering when he'd managed to get back to his room, and how he’d miraculously escaped having a hangover. He rubbed his eyes and went to go splash water on his face.

 

Class was the same as always. Wei Wuxian was his cheery self, enthusiastically flitting around Lan Wangji like a butterfly, determined to make a crack in his stone facade. Lan Wangji made a point to look away and ignore him. From the side, Jin Zixuan peered at them with a vaguely displeased expression.

 

Huaisang sat by the window, fan in his hand, eyes unfocused, not even trying to hide that his mind was blatantly elsewhere. Their gazes met for a second longer than usual. Jiang Cheng felt the pressing need to tell him something, but he didn't know what on earth he wanted to say. He was filled by the overwhelming sense that he was missing something important. He felt the residual traces of vulnerability, like he'd given something about himself away. But if he'd embarrassed himself last night, wouldn't Wei Wuxian be laughing at him right now, making sure that he'd never live it down?

 

"Hey," he elbowed his brother. "What happened last night?"

 

"We drank," Wuxian shrugged in reply. "Like we always do. Why?" A grin slowly spread across his face. "What did you do?"

 

"Nothing!" Jiang Cheng scowled defensively. Yet, the uneasy feeling in his stomach told him otherwise.

 

"You definitely did something!" Wei Wuxian crowed at him. “Otherwise, you wouldn’t have that look on your face!”

 

"I went to bed, that's what I did." That was the truth. Or at least, that was what he remembered of the truth. He turned away, wanting to end the conversation. Luckily, Wei Wuxian was much more enamored with pestering Lan Wangji, and let the subject drop.

He looked at Huaisang again. Huaisang smiled at him and looked away. Their moment, whatever it had been, had passed.

 

It hurts, Jiang Cheng thought. When I look at him, it hurts. Why...?

 

"Huaisang," the name bubbled out of him before he could think further. What was it that he wanted to say?

 

"Y-yes?" Huaisang blinked at him apprehensively. Somehow, he was regarding Jiang Cheng differently. He seemed—nervous—like he had when they’d first met. Jiang Cheng felt slighted. Weren’t they past that, now?

 

"Last night... for some reason, I…” he trailed off. “I have a strange feeling… did something happen?”

 

Huaisang visibly relaxed. "I don’t know,” he lied. “I wasn't feeling too well, so I stayed in my room all night. I think it was that last surprise exam... I'm still reeling..."

 

"Oh, is that so..." Jiang Cheng felt a wave of disappointment rush through him. "I see."

 

"Did you have fun at the party, Wanyin-xiong?"

 

"I—I can't remember,” he admitted. “I drank too much."

 

"Maybe that's for the best," Huaisang murmured so quietly behind his fan that Jiang Cheng couldn't hear. He lowered it before speaking again. "Ah, be careful in the future, okay?"

 

From anyone else, Jiang Cheng would have glared and told them not to look down on him, but from Huaisang it sounded so genuine and well-intentioned that all he could do was nod mutely before reluctantly returning to his seat.

 

The restless feeling he had only worsened as the day wore on. Perhaps this was an aftereffect of too much Emperor's Smile: A queasy stomach, an aching heart, lungs that felt like they couldn't take in enough air no matter how hard he inhaled. Each time he swore he was on the verge of remembering, his scattered memories of the previous night became a little more vague, the details a little more blurry.

 

Maybe in all other aspects, he would never stop trying to beat Wei Wuxian, but Jiang Cheng quietly vowed to never try and out-drink his brother ever again.