John knew Evan was angry. It was painfully evident in the way he had barely even glanced in his direction after entering his quarters and finding John naked and kneeling and looking for absolution. It was evident in the way Evan ignored him entirely and efficiently stripped and headed for the bathroom without a word, leaving John still naked and kneeling and looking for absolution.
After what felt like an eternity to John, Evan came out of the bathroom wearing a towel tied low on his hips. He walked over to John and stood in front of him, his arms crossed over his chest and his entire demeanor angry and cold.
"Don't say a word," Evan ordered in a low gritty voice, "I'm going to talk, and you're going to listen. Nod if you understand."
John kept his eyes lowered demurely, but nodded.
"Good," Evan acknowledged and began to pace a little in front of John. "I thought when we first got together that we talked about this being a serious thing for both of us. It wasn't playing. It wasn't just about oh, baby, tie me up, spank my ass, and fuck me. Nod if you remember that conversation."
John swallowed hard and nodded.
"We talked about our needs, too, remember? I was honest and said that I needed a strong man kneeling for me, someone who wanted what my hand needs to dish out. And you said you were that man. Do you remember?"
John opened his mouth to say something in reply but bit it back and nodded.
"We built a trust, you and I, something I thought was working for both of us. We even stopped using condoms because I thought that trust was unshakable. But then today I found out that it was all a lie."
John couldn't help himself and started to say, "Evan..."
"Not a word, John. Not a fucking word. There is nothing you can say to erase the image of Baden's hand on your dick. Nothing. I would have hoped that even if you didn't really care about me that you at least respected me enough to be honest in wanting out. You could have just said you wanted to see other people. I would have respected that. I would've hated it, and it would've hurt like hell, but I would have respected your wishes."
John took a deep, slow breath in through his nose, he was clenching his jaw shut tightly to keep from interrupting.
Evan stopped his pacing and stood directly in front of John. There was a mixture of sadness and anger in his expression.
"So, one word answer time, just because I think I have a right to know. Did he fuck you?"
"No," John replied adamantly.
"Did you fuck him?" Evan asked.
"No," John said with a hint of disgust in his voice.
"But yet you let him rub you off in your pants."
"Ah. One word answers. Did you want him to rub you off in your pants?"
John didn't answer for a long moment and when he did it came out a the barest of whispers. "Yes."
Lorne swallowed hard at John's honesty. He took a couple of shallow breaths of his own and tried to put words together in his head. "Look at me."
John slowly looked up and met Evan's eyes.
"I want the truth, John. Do you want to end things between us? Go our separate ways?"
John shook his head and immediately answered, "No."
Evan stared down at John for a minute. He broke the moment with a huffed out, "Hmph," and turned and walked away from John.
He went over to his dresser and opened the second drawer down. He rooted around underneath his socks, looking for something. Finding it, he walked back over to where John was kneeling next to the bed.
Tossing what he had pulled out of the drawer on the bed in front of John he said in resigned voice, "If you want to stay, put that on."
John looked at the leather straps and chrome rings of the Gates of Hell Evan had dropped on the bed and shivered. It was something they had never used before. He hesitated.
Evan's eyebrow shot up and he said with absolute authority in his voice, "Either put it on or safeword, get dressed and leave. Your decision. Make it now."
John felt himself falling into the place in his head where he didn't have to think, or decide. Evan's tone, and his own burning desire to make things right with Evan made his last decision of the night simple- he reached for the Gates.
The leather and metal were heavy on John's cock. Evan had watched him slip his balls and cock through the seven rings of the Gates of Hell with an unreadable expression on his face. When John was done, Evan had returned to the dresser drawer and come back with a small, shiny, padlock.
Dropping it on the bed in front of John, he said, "Lock it."
John picked up the lock and twisted one of the pair of keys dangling from it and opened it. He quickly snapped the lock shut on the Gates and held the keys out to Evan in his open hand.
Evan's voice was stern as he ordered, "Go to the balcony door, open it, and throw those out into the ocean."
John's hand shook a little as he closed his fingers around the keys and rose to his feet. He went to the balcony door, painfully aware of the leather brushing against his thighs as he did. He opened the door and took a deep breath pausing only a moment before throwing the keys as far as he could.
"Good. You can go back to kneeling," Evan said brusquely before turning and going to the small refrigerator in the corner. John heard the familiar sound of a beer being opened. John also heard Evan rifling around in his laptop bag.
A moment later John saw Evan's feet as he walked by John without a word. Evan situated himself on the bed, reclining back on the pillows. He put the laptop on the nightstand along with the half-empty beer.
He browsed through the laptop's contents and said, "Needless to say, you're not getting my cock tonight, John. And because I'm still very angry, you're not getting my hand either."
Neither of those things surprised John, the latter especially. Evan was stern top, but one that was always in control of himself and never let his emotions overtake any scene playing out between them. It spoke to how angry and hurt he was that Evan didn't trust himself to touch him.
"You obviously aren't going to be coming tonight, and honestly I think it's going to be a while before you do."
John swallowed and wondered exactly how long "a while" meant.
"So since I don't really have a use for you right now, you can just sit there until I do. Meanwhile," he said as he hit a key on the laptop starting up a video, "I'm going to entertain myself for a while."
John actually let out a little groan hearing the movie start; it was his current favorite piece of porn. The one guaranteed to make him come like gangbusters on any normal night.
"Hmph," Evan said as he settled back and untied his towel. He reached down and gave his cock a soft, slow stroke.
One of the porn stars was getting a blowjob onscreen as Evan continued stroking his hardening cock. He looked over at John and a thought occurred to him.
"I figured out a use for you after all, John. Look at me."
John looked up and me Evan's eyes.
"Watch me," was Evan's simple order.
It was torture. John would have preferred that Evan beat him with a cane until he couldn't walk rather than have to watch Evan jerk off to his favorite porn.
The sights and sounds of a man getting enthusiastically fucked doggie-style with another cock down his throat were on the laptop while Evan continued slowly stroking himself. John knew that if Evan wanted to, he could hold off coming with that pace all night.
Watching Evan's hard cock slide between his fingers to the soundtrack of the double team on the laptop made John's own cock try to fill and it strained miserably against the Gates. He bit back a little groan of his own and tried to shift a bit to alleviate some of the discomfort.
"Sit still," Evan barked.
John instantly froze and tried not to whimper.
Evan looked to the laptop where the fucked-out bottom was getting a face full of come from the man he had been blowing. Evan let go of his cock and reached to give his balls a little tug and a squeeze. He looked over at John and said, "In case you were wondering, you look just like that after I fuck you."
Evan leaned his head back and closed his eyes, his hand returning to his cock. He really started working his cock and John ached with the desire to have it in his mouth, to be the one causing Evan's brow to furrow in pleasure bordering on pain.
John knew it was coming, it was his favorite porn video after all, but he wasn't prepared for how much more miserable his cock and balls got as the scene on the laptop switched to a leather vest and chap wearing biker roughly fucking a preppy college boy. John was normally coming the minute the biker was balls deep in the frat boy and smacking his ass to make him move. A little grunt escaped John.
Evan didn't open his eyes but raised an eyebrow letting John know that he had caught the sound. His hand was squeezing his cock harder now and he raised his other hand from the bed to brush and pinch his nipple. Arching up, Evan shot streams of hot, pearly come all over his stomach just as the biker on the screen came with a roar.
The porn on the laptop continued as Evan caught his breath. He slowly opened his eyes and without looking, reached over and shut the laptop, effectively killing the video. He mopped the come off of his belly with his discarded towel and dropped it on the floor when he was done. Evan drained the rest of his beer before turning towards John.
"I'm going to bed. You can sleep there." And saying that, Evan turned off the light and got under the covers and lay facing away from John.
John stayed kneeling for a few minutes after the room had been bathed in darkness, hoping that Evan was kidding. When the realization finally hit him that Evan wasn't kidding, John forced himself to lay down and try to make his cock and balls as comfortable as he could.
Evan heard John settling down and frowned in the dark. They had never discussed punishment before, honestly because neither man ever imagined a need for it. In the bedroom Evan was strict and in complete control and John willingly submit without hesitation, there had never been a cause for Evan to contemplate punishing John for anything. He hoped he wasn't going too far with it now.
The large throw rug that John was curled up on was soft and clean and had a thick foam pad hidden underneath it. It had been Evan that insisted upon it, not wanting John to injure his knees from kneeling. And Evan liked John on his knees. The room wasn't cold or even cool and though John noticed that Evan hadn't given him a blanket from an emotional standpoint, he really wasn't cold physically.
Evan's cold, callous demeanor towards him was punishing John in ways he didn't think possible. He would give anything and everything to go back to earlier in the day, back to when Baden had invaded his personal space and grabbed his cock through his BDUs and promised to fuck him harder and deeper than anyone ever had before. John wanted to go back to that moment and do everything in his power to keep it from happening, and from seeing the hurt and anger in Evan's eyes as he walked in on the situation.
Knowing that he couldn't go back, and that Evan would never forget and would never forgive him no matter what he did broke something inside of John. And with a near sob he whispered in the dark, "I'm sorry."
Evan had been staring at the wall in the dark, trying to sort out his own thoughts and emotions for the day. He heard John sniffle and heard his whispered apology. The part of him that cared about John, that wanted to shield and protect him, ached to call John up onto the bed and to hold him close through the night and reassure John that they would get through this. Another part of him, though, burned with an anger as bright as the sun. John was his, he had given himself to Evan and then turned around and let another man touch him, and worse, wanted that other man to touch him. He couldn't reconcile the two sides of himself. The caring part was winning out though, because if wanted to be honest with himself, the caring had turned to loving a long time ago. And it was that thought that made him reply gently, "I know. Now get some sleep."
John took a slow, deep breath and tried to relax. Things were going to be okay. Evan had used the same tone of voice that he normally used when they were both coming down from a particularly intense scene. It reassured John and lessened the tightness of his chest just a little.
John woke to his name being called. He quickly sat up and shook his head to clear away the sleepiness. It took him a moment to orient himself. He was still on the rug in Evan's quarters and the first light of dawn was breaking in the window. His cock and balls were still snugly secure in the Gates.
Evan was standing in front of him, naked and hard, with an unreadable expression on his face.
"Get up on the bed."
John scrambled to obey. Once there Evan ordered him to his hands and knees across the bed so they were facing the dresser and its mirror. John obeyed without hesitation, it was one of their favorite positions.
Evan's warm hand came to rest on John's lower back, making him shiver.
"I didn't sleep much last night, John. I had to figure some stuff out."
John shivered again as Evan's hand moved to his ass, his fingers ghosting over the skin and brushing his hole. "You gave yourself to me, John. You promised that this," Evan pressed in a little on John's hole, "was mine. And you promised that this," he said as his other hand reached down to grasp John's bound cock and balls, "was mine and mine alone. You broke that promise."
Evan abruptly stepped back away from John and began to pace a little by the bed. "You broke a trust, one that I don't know if we can fix, but I've decided that I want to try. Do you?"
"Yes," came John's hoarse answer without hesitation.
"I didn't give you my hand last night. You understand why?"
"Yes, you were worried you might go too far in anger."
"Exactly. I'm not in that place anymore. Do you understand?"
"Good. Because you're getting my hand now."
The rest of the tension went out of John's body and he felt himself falling.
Evan preferred the feel of his hand on bare skin and rarely used any implements on John. His hand was tough and calloused and not gentle as he brought it down again and again on John's offered ass. Soon his hand stung, albeit not as much as John's ass did, and the red hand prints on the pale skin of John's ass glowed nicely and his need was satisfied. He rubbed John's ass roughly, eliciting a moan from John. Evan's cock was hard as a rock and also needed satisfying. He grabbed the tube of lube from the drawer and slicked up his cock. He squeezed out a glob onto two fingers and without warning, roughly pressed them into John. He prepped him only a little, and though he didn't hurt John, he wasn't gentle.
Evan's fingers were quickly replaced by his cock. He fucked John with long, deep strokes that soon had John moaning in a combination of pleasure and discomfort as John's cock tried to harden and get some satisfaction of its own.
Evan pushed fully inside and paused his movements. He reached forward, his fingers in John's hair. He pulled back forcing John's head up and their eyes met in the mirror over the dresser.
Evan demanded in an even tone, "What was it about him that you wanted so badly? What am I not giving you that you need?"
John tried to drop his head and break the gaze but Evan just tugged harder on his hair and wouldn't let him.
"Tell me," Evan ordered again and withdrew his cock almost all the way before forcefully pushing back into John. "Tell me."
With a groan, John finally replied, "It was... it was the leather."
"Hmph," was Evan's only reply and he let John's hair go in order to grip John's hips and piston in and out of him. He came with grunt and not his normal calling of John's name.
He left John on his hands and knees on the bed with come dripping out of his ass and went into the bathroom. He needed a moment to wrap his head around what John had admitted. Some things clicked and he made a face at himself in the mirror and headed back out to John.
Evan's hands were warm and sure as they gently guided John off the bed. His tone of voice matched them as he said, "C'mon. Let's get you in the shower."
Evan paused their trip at the nightstand and quickly grabbed something out of it that he palmed.
In the bathroom, Evan started the shower and turned to John. "Let's get that off of you."
John looked down at his cock and the Gates and asked softly, "You have bolt cutters?"
One side of Evan's mouth quirked up in an almost-smirk. "No. But I'm glad you would trust me with bolt cutters near your balls. I think we'll use this instead," he said and held up a key.
John's confused expression prompted Evan to explain, "Master key."
John nodded and Evan quickly unlocked the padlock and removed it. He then turned his attention to gently removing John's cock and balls from the Gates. That done, he nudged John under the warm spray and joined him.
The shower was just as gentle and caring as any post-scene shower they had shared before. Evan's gentle ministrations, while not overtly sexual, soon had John hard. He tried to press his erection against Evan's washcloth-covered hand.
Evan pulled his hand away and looked up to meet John's eyes. "You're not coming today. And probably not tomorrow or the next day either. I'm still angry, John. Yesterday's events did some damage between us, and I'm not quite ready to forgive you yet. You've got some groveling and making up to do first."
"Will you ever?"
"What? Forgive you? Yeah, eventually. But I think we need to talk about some things. It bothers me that I didn't know you had a leather kink, I feel like I should have known that. And if I don't know that, what else don't I know that's important?"
"I don't know why I never told you that. I'm not ashamed of it or anything. I guess it just never came up, I just never thought it was something you'd be into.."
"And I never asked. So I think for a little while we're going to be doing a little less fucking and a lot more communicating."
"You know I'm not very good at that."
"Neither am I, really. But this thing between us is important to me, you're important to me. And yesterday was like a kick to my nuts with a combat boot and I don't ever want to go through anything like that again. So if it means we torture ourselves by talking, so be it."
It was the strongest declaration of feeling that had ever been said aloud between them and it hit John like a stunner.
Without thinking or considering if his touch would be welcome, he wrapped Evan in a bear hug and squeezed for dear life. He whispered near Evan's ear, "You're important to me, too. And I'm sorry I hurt you, I would never do that intentionally."
Evan pulled back a little and cupped John's face in his hands. He leaned in and pressed a warm, but chaste kiss to John's mouth before replying simply, "I know."
The two men were back in the main area getting dressed to start their official day. John was sitting on the edge of the bed tying his boots when Evan went to the closet. He grabbed a particular hanger and walked over to John with a grin.
John looked up and his jaw dropped at seeing a black leather vest and pants on the hanger in Evan's hand.
Evan said lightly, "As part of our new interpersonal communication policy, for the record I can work with a leather kink.
John reached out and lightly trailed his fingers down the leather. He swallowed hard and reached down and adjusted himself. With a little hope in his voice he asked, "Maybe the day after the day after tomorrow?"
"We'll see. But just so you know, I draw the line at shaving my head."