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It's alright

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I got a baseball bat beside my bed
To fight off what's inside my head
To fight off what's behind my meds
I'm lonely, lost in pain
It's alright, it's okay, it's alright, it's okay
You're not a monster, just a human
And you made a few mistakes
---
I don't wanna know who I am
Cause heaven only knows what I'll find
I don't wanna know I'm not capable
Of coming out alive
I don't wanna see what's inside
I think that I would rather be blind
I don't wanna know I'm not capable

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=G5-KJgVsoUM

 

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Ian opened the door and was welcomed by a silent house.

It was five in the morning. He should have been home over an hour ago, but he’d had so much energy after his shift at the club. Hours dancing under the hot lights and he still felt ready to take on the world. He had walked, and walked, not ready to go back to Mickey’s and be still. He rode the high of life as he walked in circles along busy streets, soaking in the fact that Chicago never really slept.

As Ian shut the front door quietly, his mind drifted to the multiple men who had propositioned him to leave with them earlier that night. He had declined despite his body's willingness to fuck anything that moved. He felt a small pang of guilt thinking of the half dozen dicks he had sucked for extra cash only hours earlier. But that guilt slid off him easily when he considered that he was coming home to Mickey after all that. Lately it had been easy to convince himself that his actions were logical and acceptable and not cheating. He was working… for them… and he always came home to Mickey… even if there were other dicks and mouths on the path home.

The redhead walked to the kitchen to drain a cup of water before heading to their bedroom. He took off his jacket as he admired the curves of his boyfriend's back and ass under the sheet. Mickey was asleep and lately Ian had spent a lot of time watching him sleep. The thug looked peaceful and it helped Ian fight his constant jitteriness and insomnia.

Ian removed all his clothes and ran his hand over his half hard dick. It didn't take much to get him to that state lately. He slipped under the sheels next to his lover and ran his hand over his lower back.

“Mick… hey.” Ian leaned into the other man's neck and nuzzled it.

Mickey stirred slightly but didn't respond.

Ian pressed his hardening cock against Mickey’s hip and traced his crack with long fingers. “I'm home.”

This time Mickey turned his head to blearily look at him. His voice cracked with sleep. “Hey… what time is it?”

Ian kissed his neck as he rocked against him. “It's late. I walked home.”

“Hmm.” was the brunet’s reply as he arched slightly into Ian's fingers on his ass.

The younger man took that as a good sign and dove deeper to press against Mickey's pucker.

“Mmm… really, it's late. I'm asleep.” Mickey's half companint was overcome by a moan as Ian pressed one finger in knuckle deep and kissed his shoulder.

“Right. Asleep.” Ian said cockily as he felt his lover's body shift to give him better access. He reached for the lube on their bedside table.

Mickey gave a sound of approval and spread his legs further. Ian quickly coated his fingers and slid one finger all the way in. There was minimal resistance so he added another. Mickey let out a sound that he had learned meant he was feeling stretched but could handle it. He smiled against the hot skin of Mickey’s neck. He’d been thanking the god he didn’t believe in over and over these last few weeks that Mickey seemed to almost always be able to keep up with his crazy libido. Ian was fully hard by now and he moved his fingers in and out quickly and efficiently. His lover let loose deep, happy sounds into the pillow as he was stretched and stimulated.

A few moments later and Ian’s body was basically jittering with the need to get inside something.

“You ready?” he whispered.

Mickey grunted. “Not gunna break.”

Ian gave one last scissor of his fingers and gripped Mickey’s hip to roll him until they were both on their right side. He molded himself against the shorter man’s back and grabbed the lube again. He spread some on his waiting dick and lined himself up. Mickey arched his back, sticking his ass out further and Ian gave a low growl. He loved seeing Mickey like this, so desperate to be filled.

He pushed forward and entered Mickey. He gave a few shallow thrusts until he was fully inside. Mickey’s hand reached back to grab Ian’s hipbone as he let out a groan.

“So good Mick.” Ian breathed into his hair as he felt the reassuring pressure of Mickey surrounding him.

“I-Ian…” Mickey moaned as he started moving.

The redhead sucked in a breath as he thrust in and out steadily. Mickey only ever used his first name when they were in bed alone. Ian loved hearing it. As he moved, the brunet in front of him shifted his hips until they were at the perfect angle. He gave a grunt of pleasure as Ian began hitting his sweet spot with every thrust. Ian sped up a bit, breathing heavily through his arousal. Mickey let go of his hip to use his arms for better leverage on the bed in front of him. Ever deep thrust was met hungrily by Mickey’s body.

“Fuck.” Ian sucked on Mickey’s shoulder.

As they moved together, Ian’s brain began to slow down and just be in the moment. He always seemed to be going at 100% and being with Mickey was always calming. He forgot all his indiscretions and crazed thoughts. He simply held onto the man he loved.

“Ian… shit… not gunna last…”

Ian knew from their many late night fucks that Mickey never lasted long when he was woken up.. He sped up his hips and made sure the angle was perfect for brushing Mickey’s bundle of nerves each time. Ian focused on the sensation of slipping in and out of his lover and felt the familiar tingle starting in his spine.

He heard Mickey give short grunts as he panted his way through his orgasm. The feeling of Mickey clenching on him drove Ian closer to the edge. He gave a dozen more long, hard stroked until he felt himself explode. His mind was blissfully blank for a few moments.

Mickey grabbed his hand and brought it to his mouth for a kiss and turned his head to give him a fond smile. Ian smiled back and joined their lips. Mickey chased after his tongue and Ian loved it. When they broke apart Ian gave a sigh as Mickey got comfy again. He knew tonight would be like every other night. Mickey would fall back asleep momentarily and he would be stuck with his racing mind.

True to his prediction, Mickey began breathing slowly and deeply within ten minutes. Ian carefully slipped out of bed. His thoughts were bouncing around the many reasons he should feel guilty; the other men, not being home often, but mostly not being able to enjoy their stress free time together. Only a few months ago, Ian would have given anything to be able to fuck Mickey until they fell asleep in each other’s arms. And waking up together without fear of violence or judgement… that had been his dream. But he couldn’t seem to enjoy living it like he should.

Ian walked, naked, into the living room of the Milkovich house. Was something wrong with him? He wasn’t good enough for Mickey’s affection.

The dark, dreary living room slowly morphed into a white room. Ian felt himself smile as he saw an image of Mickey holding Yev. They were clean and healthy and happy. Everything Ian wanted. He joined them and felt a feeling of pure, rare peace wash over him. This was the real dream, he just hadn’t realized it until now. Him and his loves.

Ian took a step forward and suddenly the white room burst into nothing. The shadowy, messy reality hit him like a boot to the face. This house and neighborhood where they would never really be accepted for who they were. His mistakes and actions that would break his lover if he knew.

He gasped in a breath. This was his reality.