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Out of the chaos of Saichi trying to argue his case to Asirpa for punching a bear, came the low monotone of Ogata saying,

"I roll to seduce my sniper nemesis.  My new rifle and cloak combined give me plus 4 charisma."

Everyone was speechless for a brief moment, before Asirpa narrowed her eyes over her DM Zone (a cardboard box separating her papers from everyone else at the dining table) and declared,

"Uh, they most certainly do not, my guy.  They give you higher attack and constitution stats."

"Is seduction not a method of attack?  It should count.  I'd think a fellow dedicated sniper would be swayed by those kinds of things." Ogata was openly smirking now, resting his cheek on his palm and blinking smugly at her. 

"Uh, no.  End of discussion.  And Saichi you are NOT punching that bear; its attack class is like 14 and you can barely shoot a gun with all your current stat subtractions as it is.  You think this'll go better?  I've had to resurrect you 10 times so far and I'm going to keep it at that."

Shiraishi cut in from where he had been eating donuts and making a tower with his dice,

"Could I like, try to pickpocket the bear?  Does it have any loot?"

"You won't know that until you KILL IT, dummy."

“Booooo, you’re no fun, I wanna try out my new stealthy crime skills.”

“We are in the MIDDLE of a COMBAT SITUATION.”

“That’s still a time for sneaking!”

“NO, SHIRAISHI.  THE BEAR DOESN’T HAVE POCKETS TO PICK.  And you all still have to deal with the Russian soldiers that are incoming, so hurry up, decide who’s acting first.”

Her cousin Inkarmat’s new husband Tanigaki looked up nervously from his character sheet and mumbled,

“I don’t have any more of the bullets for my gun left, I spent the last ones shooting that deer.”

Sugimoto scoffed and waved a hand at him,

“It’s fi~ne!  Just find a store and restock before we start the fight, dude.”

“SAICHI.  THE FIGHT HAS ALREADY STARTED, DUMMY.”  Asirpa was going to lose her mind by the time this campaign was finished, that was a guarantee.  Why in all realms of the earth did she decide that being the DM for a family-and-friends game would be a good idea?

“All the more reason for me to finish my sniper standoff via seduction so I can rejoin the main party, don’t you think?”  Ogata was leaning back and speaking to the ceiling, as if Asirpa wasn’t the true kamuy of this scenario with the power over his fate.  She glared at him and snapped,

“Ogata. No.  Give it a rest already.”  She swivelled her glare to her uncle to badger him instead, “Uncle Kiro, are you going to do anything, or what?”

“Of course, darling niece, I’m just deciding what weapon is best in this situation.”  He’d been deciding for FIVE ENTIRE MINUTES and Asirpa was just about running out of patience for the convoluted reasoning her uncle needed to put into Every. Single. Action. just because it all led back to his convoluted secret backstory. 

"If I seduce my nemesis that's one less thing to worry about in this fight, I’m just playing the most logical strategy, here.”

“OGATA.  CAN IT.” She didn’t even grace him with a glance as she shut him down this time. 

“I wanna punch the bear!  It’ll work this time, I promise!  My knuckles are taped and everything!  C’mon Asiriiiiiiiiiii-“  the longer Saichi drew out her name, the longer he was going to stay dead before she undoubtedly ended up resurrecting his stupid folk-hero ass, that’s what she was going to do,  “-pa!”  8 rounds for the next death her brother brought upon himself.

“Can I look for loot in the forest nearby?”  Shiraishi was trying to balance his pencil on his nose while licking the sugar from a donut off his finger.  Thankfully Saichi cut in to correct his best friend-slash-sometimes-roommate,  

“Aww C’mon Shiraishi, this is Meiji Hokkaido, you don’t have like, a metal detector to look for stuff with.”

“UGH, damn, you’re right.  Why do ya have to be so smart, Sugimoto?”

“See, Asirpa?!? Shiraishi agrees with my smart ideas, lemme punch the bear!”

“NO.  I ALREADY TOLD YOU.  Find another way to engage with it, like I dunno, a spear?? Or an arrow? A rifle used as a blunt weapon since you’re a big berserker baby?!?”

Saichi just gave an exaggerated groan while he flopped his head onto the table.  Tanigaki piped up once more,

“Is Cikapasi playable here, could he try anything?”

“No, cousin Genjirou, he’s nine.”

Asirpa had spent the better part of her entire college reading week break planning out this campaign.  She had been so excited about it.  Really.  And now it had devolved into this.  Why did she even bother?

The treasonous voice in the back of her mind spoke in tandem with Saichi’s awful neighbour to drive her into insanity,
“If you let me try and seduce the sniper then you won’t have to listen to this nonsense anymore.”  Something in her resolve broke at that and she seethed,

"FINE.  I DON'T CARE ANYMORE.  HAVE YOUR STUPID SEDUCTION ROLL, YOU EVIL LITTLE CAT MAN."

Ogata pouted insincerely, "Hey now, you of all people should know I'm a lynx hybrid, not a cat," then snapped back into neutral as quick as ever to state, "And also I already took the roll while you were arguing and it was a 19, so, 23 final with my charisma bonuses."

"Oh!  M-my gOD!!" Shiraishi was cackling while trying not to choke on his donuts, while the others tried in vain to keep from yelling at Ogata.  Sugimoto cracked first, as always,

"NO!  We're in an open area!  Are you just going to fuck him on the grass in front of us??  What the FUCK Ogata!" Sugimoto burst out while slamming his hands on the table, scattering his dice on the floor, again.

"Of course not, you brute, I'm going to have him take me to his base camp and THEN let him rail me into the ground.  Obviously.  And I was a good 500 metres away from your bear MMA match anyways, so you wouldn’t have seen it to begin with."

Kiroranke brought a hand up to his forehead and gave a pained grumble, "PLEASE say this is for a chance to spy on his stuff and get intel about the maps or the gold or SOMETHING."

Ogata's smirk just kept getting bigger and bigger,

"Kiro, you know me.  Of course not.  He's just tall and you're all ugly as sin.  Gotta get some when I can out here."

Sugimoto’s outraged shout cut in again,

"WE LEFT THE CITY LIKE, YESTERDAY! HOW ARE YOU SO HARD UP FOR IT?!"

"Maybe none of the inhabitants offered the same mental engagement as finding my one true rival? Who's to say."  Ogata in real like was, paradoxically, even more chaotic than his character.  Why, oh why did they let him into this game?

Asirpa cracked at last and had to shout to be heard over her idiot brother's incoming protest,

"FINE. FINE, FINE, FINE. WHATEVER!  SO LONG AS THE GAME CAN KEEP MOVING, PLEASE.  Ogata."  Here she turned to glare at him with utmost frustration, "You succeed. You're gone for how long?"

"I mean ideally, all day, but I guess that's up to him.  I'm down for whatever."

Shiraishi choked out a laugh, "PLEASE roll for it, and PLEASE roll a 1 that ends it in 5 minutes."

"OKAY. WHATEVER. I AM A COMPROMISING DM. OGATA. ROLL."

"Do I have any bonuses?"  His smirk had disappeared, but his stupid bracket looking eyebrows promised Asirpa a world of chaos.

"NO, this is for your gun man's stamina and courteousness, which I hadn't thought I needed to chart, OBVIOUSLY.  So straight up and down, gotta pass a 10 for it to be like, a couple hours before you're back."

Ogata shrugged before snatching up his ridiculous cat paw themed d20 and flicking it across the table at Tanigaki’s dice box, where it ricocheted off to roll to a stop back in front of him.  Silence reigned for a brief moment.  Ogata's eyes remained as heavy lidded and inscrutable as ever, but his eyebrows began a steady ascent upwards.  He deadpanned without looking up,

"... it's a 20."

"HOLY SHIT!!!" Shiraishi had completely lost control at that point and was smothering his head in his arms. "DICK SO BOMB YOU MARRY THE GUY ON THE SPOT."

"Well yeah, have to lock it or lose it.  So, is he coming with us now, or what?"  Back to the smirk, and GODS Asirpa wanted to find a way to kill him off, and fast.  


.....

Although… maybe she could use a new blank slate companion to pursue that goal. 
Huh.

“Sure.  Your fuck buddy can come with, but I control him, the same as my guide NPC.”

If her dumbass family members were going to wreck her game, she might as well have it go out with a bang.