Work Header

Silicone Heaven

Work Text:

Gabriel sat at his desk. There had been an unusually large influx of new souls in the past few hours. The population, and therefore the number of deaths, had exploded on Earth since the failed Apocalypse, but this was unprecedented. His desk was surrounded by graphs mapping out the population and predicting the expected influx of new souls for the upcoming quarter. He scowled at them. They were completely wrong. It didn't make any sense. There were no new wars, no plagues, natural disasters, nothing that could explain the mountain of paperwork that had appeared on his desk.

The archangel began jamming numbers into a conveniently new calculator that had appeared in his time of need. He gave it a particularly hard jab and the thing had squealed. Gabriel jumped back in surprise, his chair rolled back a few feet knocking over a nearby chart. He watched stunned as the thing sprouted little white wings and began to flutter around the room.

He pressed the intercom on his desk, "Uriel, get in here now!"

"Right away, sir." Came the answer. She appeared a second later.

"What," Gabriel waved his hand at the flying calculator, "Is that?"

"Oh, I'm so sorry. I thought Michael had them all contained."

"Who contained?"

"Our new influx of…" Uriel searched for a word,"guests"


"Some of them. They're A.I. sir."

"What's an A.I.?"

"Artificial intelligence, those humans have been doing amazing things with technology lately."

"What does that have to do with us?"

"Well, there's a new testament out."

"A new testament? Why wasn't I informed?"

"We didn't think it would apply to us, I mean, look." Uriel reached out a hand and a book appeared.

Gabriel took the book and read its cover. "The Electronic Bible," he scoffed, and began to thumb through it, "The iron shall lie down with the lamp… this is ludicrous."

"Are you not a pantheist? Don't you believe that God is in all things?"

"I'm not a fucking frying pan-theist! I can't believe she is honoring this…this…" he threw the book at the fluttering calculator. It dodged it and he could have sworn he heard it laugh.

It was then that Gabriel noticed something new sitting on the corner of his desk. He approached the little red box cautiously. The lights on its side blinked to life and it began to speak. "Howdy Doodly Doo! I'm Talkie the Toaster, your chirpy breakfast companion. Talkie's the name, toasting's the game, would anyone like some toast?"

"No, I would not like some toast! I am the Archangel Gabriel, I do not consume such… gross matter."

"Ahh.. a waffle man I see!"

"I am not a man! I am an angel, and I do not want any bread products, toasted or otherwise!"

"An angel? So I'm dead then? Oh, my, murdered in my prime!"

"I'm starting to see why. Uriel," Gabirel turned to the other angel, "get rid of it."

Uriel went to go pick up the toaster. "Wait!" It yelled.

Gabriel threw up his arms, "what is it now?"

"I just have one question."

"Go on."

"If God is infinite…"


"And the universe is infinite…"

"Go on" Gabriel waved a hand impatiently.

"Would you like any toast?"