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Planet Earth's Manifesto

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It started on the fourth day, when God made light. In the garden, there was Adam, Eve, and the snake. Eh, you know the story. Eve fucks up etc. etc. But what you don't know is the story of the angel and the devil who were best friends. Aziraphale, the angel, wears a bowtie and long beige trench coat. His hair is white and his face appears to be at a constant smile. He radiates sunshine and positivity. His contrast, who ironically happens to be his best friend, is Crowley, a demon with yellow snake eyes, firey red hair, and emo clothing. He wears shades constantly to prevent people from fearing him at the sight of this eyes.

Anyways, despite their undeniable differences the two were inseparable. And this was just the beginning of a long journey, the story of all humanity.
Adam and Eve survived the garden after their sin and gave birth to a son, Cain and shortly after, Abel. But unknown to them is that Adam and Eve host orgies with the other gods around the cosmos. So Adam has an affiar with some fucking cat god lady and she gives birth to a god of destruction and demands child support. So he gave her ramen then dipped with Eve. Eve got so pissed off that Adam did that. So she left his stank ass and she went to Lucifer and had more and better orgies. As Berous (the cat son of Adam) realized how shitty everyone is, he also dipped and went to go take a thousand year nap. Fast forward in time and Berous woke up and wanted to destroy the earth cause he was bored as fuck and Jack Sparrow came and was like
“wHeREs mY fUcKiN’ rUm mAtE?!”
Then he beat Berous ass and saved the world. Then we go to the most amazing time on the planet’s history, the 1970’s (AD)!


At the eve of Rock n’ Roll history there was an airplane called the Starship. It was a retired airliner that had been remodeled to be a luxurious ride for rock stars on tour. Anyways, it was January 1972 and Led Zeppelin was on board the Starship at this time. Jimmy Page was sacrificing a goat while Robert Plant played the infamous piano in the other room, and JPJ and Bonzo were getting drunk. As Jimmy completed his occult ritual, none other than Crowley appears. Not Aliester Crowley, but Crowley, the demon friend with red hair. Jimmy immediately bows down. “Wow, let’s save that for another time, dear,” said Crowley, raising an eyebrow. Jimmy, confused, stands up. Their gazes meet, Jimmy both confused but joyous as this is proof of the wonderous Devil’s existence. He stood there in awe. “Okay, its getting a bit weird, really I can come back later for more if you want, though”, said Crowley, winking. “Oh, no I’m not- I just can’t believe you just appeared out of thin air!” said jimmy. “Well, I brought something for your friend on the keys over there,” he said, pointing to Robert. Jimmy walked over to Robert. “Hey man, a demon’s brought you some... company.” Robert was confused and assumed Jimmy was high as fuck but followed him into the other room of the plane. Standing there was Crowley and a simple looking woman. “This is Eve,” said Crowley, pointing to the woman. “Okay? And?” asked robert. “Well, in one of your drug-fueled dreams, you imagined yourself having sex with Eve, the first woman. It is part of the prophecy, and must be completed.” Said Crowley. “So... commence fucking!” Eve walked up to Robert, seduction in her eyes, as she began removing her clothes. “Put it in.” “Wow, woman, I’m not even hard yet,” he replied, startled. “But it won’t take long,” said Robert, winking. He picked up the woman and carried her to the other room. Immediately, their clothes disappeared and Robert was on top of Eve who was on the piano. He put it in slowly, and Eve winced, although it was not as painful as she imagined since this was not here first time, ya know? “EW what the fuck man!” said Bonzo, who had watched the whole thing unfold. JPJ was by his side, startled in the same way but not sure at all as to what to say. “Fuck this!” Bonzo got up, grabbed JPJ by his shirt and walked over to the emergency exit. He opened the door, and the pressure dropped in the cabin. Bonzo jumped and was shortly followed by JPJ. Robert looked up and realized what had happened. Eve was in shock. “Eh, I’ll send Aziraphale onto that,” said Crowley. “Anyways, there’s more to this than just you two.” said Crowley, pointing to Robert and Eve. “Follow me, Jimmy,” said Crowley. “And you two, continue, don't let the suicidal tendencies of your bandmates distract you. Actually, make it do the opposite. Whatever you’re into.

Jimmy and Crowley were locked in the closet. Crowley took out a dagger. “Here, cut me. Right here,” he said, revealing his arm. “Um, okay,” said Jimmy. He cut an even line down his arm, instantly creating a red waterfall. “Now my turn,” said crowley, taking the bloody dagger from Jimmy’s hand and raising it up to his neck. Jimmy’s heart rate accelerated. “I know you like this, you little bitch,” said Crowley, making his first incision near Jimmy’s collarbone. “Fuck,” said Jimmy, sharply inhlaing. “I’m not a homosexual,” said Jimmy, closing his eyes. “I don’t even know what, what this is,” gasped Jimmy. “Shut the fuck up,” said Crowley. ‘The party’s just getting started.”
Indeed, whatever ritual Jimmy and Crowley did triggered a large dust of glitter, and suddenly, they weren’t on the plane anymore. Jimmy, Crowley, Robert, and Eve found themselves in a large, underground dance floor. There was heavy club music playing in the background, and a mixture of smells including weed, body odor, alcohol, and flower-scented perfumes. Fog surrounded the four of them so where they were standing was empty, but they couldn’t see the walls as a thick cloud of artificial fog surrounded them. Suddenly, bodies appeared from all sides. David Bowie, dressed as Ziggy Stardust, with his arms around Mick Jagger, wearing nothing but underwear. In another hand, the legendary rock star held a martini. From another side, appeared Roger Daltrey, with a blank, vacant expression on his face. Not Roger, no, it was Tommy, the character from the Who’s rock opera, Tommy. He crawled to the middle of the stage and just stood there. From another side, Elton John, as portrayed by Taron Egerton with John Reid (Richard Madden) by his side. Elton was wearing a simple cheetah print robe, and an earring in one ear. John was sporting a similar look, nothing but a bathrobe. Jimmy was so scared at this point, he reached for Robert’s hand. “Are you seeing this? Is this from the acid we took months ago? The 450 micrograms? Oh my, do you think that we’re having flashbacks! Robert!” Tears appeared at the ends of Jimmy’s eyes, blood running down one of his sleeves, leading to a hand that was holding onto Robert’s for dear life. Tommy turns and stares into Jimmy’s eyes. He lifted his arm and pointed at Jimmy. More people kept flowing in.
At some point, Freddie Mercury, Lou Reed, Bob Dylan, Keith Richards, Roger Waters, David Gilmour, and a very pale looking Jimi Hendrix- wait, isn’t he dead? All appeared. Women also appeared from various angles, making their way towards the rockers. Elton and John were on the floor, naked and completely into each other. John moaned as Elton’s rhythmic movements caused him a plethora of pain and pleasure. Ziggy’s makeup was smudged and he was holding Mick in a passionate embrace, also on the floor. Mick held Ziggy’s face in his arms as Ziggy’s hands crawled towards mick’s pants. Keith Richards was snorting cocaine off of a woman’s naked body, and then proceeded to lick her. The bodies, most of them undressed, now created a circle on the floor with Tommy still standing in the middle, finger at Jimmy. Robert shook his hand loose from Jimmy’s, grabbed Eve and moved to the floor. “Robert! No!” Jimmy shrieked. Tommy lowered his hand, shifting his gaze up into the sky. All around him a circle of sweaty bodies and other bodily fluids. A hand reached over and landed on Jimmy’s shoulder. “Let’s get back to where we were,” said Crowley, holding a knife to Jimmy’s back. The cold from the knife sent shivers down Jimmy’s back. Crowley kissed Jimmy, a rough and toothy kiss, nearly cutting Jimmy’s lips. But this time jimmy did not resist. He kissed back even harder, and soon their bodies fell into the pile that created the circle around an emotionless, unmoving Tommy.
The music fades, but the moving bodies continue. “The apocalypse has begun,” says Tommy. “I am the pinball wizard, and I declare the apocalypse, now!”
After the apocalypse started every last surviving creature and human went down to Bikini Bottom (courtesy of David Hassalhoff, our lord and savior). There was spongebob, he fed everyone krabby patties. Then sandy cheeks invited everyone to other house for some fun times. But Sandy doesn’t like sex cause shes not a furry so she just left the humans alone.
Lucifer and (Your Name) were sitting on the (favorite color) couch watching your (favorite movie) on Netflix. You both were laughing and watching the stupid movie unfold. Then Lucifer ran his hand up your (skin color) thigh. You bit your lip and moaned. To Lucifer, your moans sounded like a heavenly choir. Ironic right? Then Lucifer looked you in your (eye color) eyes.

“Do you still want to do this? Cause you’ve been a naughty girl… and I have to punish you~” Lucifer sung in a whisper.

“Yes… I still want to do this.” You answered back softly, “I’m sorry daddy… I’ve been naughty… you have to punish me~” you purred, looking into his dark eyes.

Lucifer smirked and got up from the (favorite color) couch.

“Stay here love, daddy is going to make some crabby patties, because daddy had to do some naughty things to plankton to get him to steal the krabby patty secret formula.”

“Ok daddy” you replied, toying with the edge of your shirt.

You looked around curiously and nodded to the hidden camera in the corner of the room. You also hid your gun and your taser in your bag by the couch. Just then Lucifer walked in with a bag of cocaine, a BIG dildo, a vibrator, a pair of padded handcuffs, a spreader bar, a spider gag, (favorite flavor) lube, and of course… the Krabby Patty. Lucifer pulled off your (favorite color) shirt and brushed back your (hair color). You smirked and toyed with the buttons of his shirt. Soon all of the clothes were on the floor, your handed were cuffed above your head, your legs were spread by the spreader bar, your mouth was opened by the spider gag, your pussy was COVERED in (favorite flavour) lube, and Lucifer teased your sweet opening with the vibrator.

“Moan for daddy love… moan for daddy” Lucifer purred, then he put a krabby patty on your stomach and then fully pushed the (favorite color) vibrator inside your pussy. Causing you to voilenty orgasm.

“I’m going to eat this krabby patty and snort some cocaine off of your tender boobs, while you sit here and writhe in pleasure.” Then Lucifer whipped out the cocaine and started snorting and eating the krabby patty.

Now you got him right where you want him. You used your secret super strength to break out of the cuffs and bar, and grabbed your (favorite color) bag and pulled out your gun.


Years after the apocalypse began, revolutionary science was beginning to emerge about what exactly had started the catastrophe in the first place. “I can’t believe it” said Doctor Watson, looking into a microscope. “John! We did it! This is the most extraordinary thing I’ve ever seen, and I can’t believe we are the ones who discovered it.” said Sherlock Holmes, pacing in the lab. “You mean horrible... Sherlock, its a horrible thing,” said John. “Yes, of course, yet this is unheard of in the science field. Two diseases came together and literally collided to form a superior virus responsible for the struggles of these past years.” said Sherlock, shaking his head in amazement. “It seems to be a joint virus of the Ebola virus and the ancient Black Plague” John sighed. “Sherlock, is there anyway we can stop this?” “Well, that's for us to discover,” said Sherlock, making seductive eyes towards john. “Oh god, really, now?” said John, laughing. “Yes,” said Sherlock pushing the microscope off the table, lifting John and putting him onto the table. The microscope shattered, and all the evidence of their discoveries was lost amidst a floor covered in sharp glass and blood from vials. Sherlock hopped onto the table, his trench coat trailing behind him. He kissed john, only supporting himself with his arms as he hovered above the smaller man’s body. Sherlock reached his hands towards John’s crotch. “Doesn’t take long for you, huh? He said, noticing that John was already hard. John laughed in response. Sherlock began undoing his belt , working his fingers around the zipper, revealing John’s dick. John moaned, and sherlock giggled, moving his lips towards John’s. Sherlock took off his coat and dropped it onto the messy ground. Just then, the laboratory door opens, and none other than Robert Mapplethorpe (Matt Smith) runs in. “Oh shit, I’m getting in on this,” he says, aftera short and awkward pause.” Mapplethorpe jumps onto the laboratory table, sharing a kiss with Sherlock. He then moves to John’s lips as Sherlock refocuses on John’s hard cock.

Meanwhile, on the floor, Ebola is just waking up from being knocked out from impact. “Oh, God, you’re okay!” said Black Plague. She leans into Ebola’s mouth and gives him a hard kiss. “Yes, yes everything’s all right. Now c’mon you, we’ve got apocalyptic children to make!” They kiss passionately and soon have intercourse. The two of them laid on the floor, only know realizing what was going on above them. Is that fucking Mapplethorpe? Asked Ebola. “By god, it is!” said the Black Plague, “I love that bitch.”
You are now finishing the last sentence of your incredible rock opera / drug extravaganza / literary masterpiece, with the phrase ‘I love that bitch.” Right as you type the last quotation mark, you hear a knock.