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burned my name to find anew

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It’s not something Evan really likes to bring up. Why would he? He thinks it’s understandable to not want to.

 

He doesn’t like to talk about his dad in the first place. 

 

It’s hard to talk about someone who left you and your mom when you were seven years old, for another woman in another state entirely, who you don’t even know now because he never bothers to call. 

 

So, no, Evan doesn’t like to talk about his dad.

 

Because of this he especially doesn’t like to talk about the fact that his mom changed their last name back to her maiden name. She asked Evan back when he was in middle school if he wanted to change his name, and when he thought about it he actually really did, especially having two names technically connected to his father, it was a no-brainer.

 

The thing is, no one really about it besides Jared. 

 

Right now Evan’s regretting that Jared does though because Jared, Connor, Zoe, and Alana are all sitting in Evan’s living room one afternoon hanging out, and Evan doesn’t remember how the subject got brought up but they all started telling each other things they hadn’t ever really told anyone else. Jared said it was good for bonding or something.

 

Alana went first and said she could never tell her parents, but she didn’t think she wanted to do something necessarily profitable with her life, she just wanted to help people in some way but didn’t care if she made a living from it. She just knew they wouldn’t understand though, so she’s waiting until she lives on her own to be able to do what she wants without the pressure of her parents.

 

Jared’s secret was also related to his parents. His very orthodox Jewish parents, who didn’t know he was gay. He didn’t plan on telling them anytime soon because he was honestly afraid of how they were going to react, but he’s trying not to worry about it. Evan can tell deep down he is though.

 

They ended up going in an unofficial order because they were sat mostly in a circle. Evan was next.

 

“I honestly don’t have anything,” Evan starts to say. Zoe boos jokingly.

 

“C’mon, treeboy, we know that’s not true!” Jared says.

 

“Really! I don’t-”

 

“What about the middle school thing?” Jared nudges. Evan rolls his eyes. 

 

“Jared, I wasn’t exactly popular in middle school. That could mean literally anything.”

 

“The name thing,” Jared states in a tone that says ‘obviously’. Evan almost hates him for it.

 

Evan’s eyes narrow at this, immediately knowing what Jared is referencing. Connor notices the look on Evan’s face and that’s about as vindictive as Evan can possibly look, so he sits up from where he’s been slouched on the sofa.

 

“What name thing?” Connor asks curious.

 

“Nothing. Jared’s crazy.”

 

“He doesn’t know?” Jared asks at the same time as Evan tries to dismiss the topic.

 

“Jared. Stop.” Evan says in a warning tone.

 

“What don’t I know?” Connor says even more curious now.

 

“I can’t believe I know, but your boyfriend doesn’t.” Jared mumbles mostly to himself.

 

“Wait, so Jared gets to know and I don’t?”

 

“It’s not a big deal,” Evan says, turning to face Connor.

 

“Ok. So what is it then if it’s not a big deal?” 

 

“I just don’t like to talk about it. Can we just drop it?” Evan asks pleadingly.

 

“I feel like we should talk about it,” Connor presses. Evan lets out a huff of air in irritation at Connor’s insistence.

 

“You know what? Fine! Let’s go to my room if you wanna talk about this so badly.”

 

“Fine,” Connor said, in a slightly petulant tone. Evan and Connor make their way upstairs to Evan’s room leaving Zoe, Alana, and Jared in the living room looking at each other uncomfortably.



“So?” Connor starts, barely after Evan’s even able to shut the door.

 

“Ugh. Connor, it’s seriously not that big of a deal. I don’t want to talk about it. It’s not something that affects our relationship at all.”

 

“Why is it so bad that I want to know? Is it so bad that I want to know something about my boyfriend that Jared, of all people, knows?” Connor asks, bordering on irritated now.

 

“My name hasn’t always been Evan Hansen! Are you happy?” Evan half-shouts.

 

“What! What do you mean?” Connor asks bewildered.

 

“My mom changed it in middle school. That’s why Jared knows. My mom asked me if I wanted to change my last name because she was changing hers back to her maiden name, which is Hansen. I said yes, but I also changed my first name too. It was originally Mark, which is my dad’s name, and Evan was my middle name, but I never liked Mark, especially after my dad left, and it didn’t make sense to change my last name but not my first when they’re both still connected to my dad. It just never made sense to bring up to you honestly.”

 

“Evan,” Connor breathes. “Shit! I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to push. Really, I thought it was something silly that happened in middle school that Jared knew about, and I guess I felt jealous that he got to know something about you that I didn’t. Not that being your boyfriend means I get to know everything about you. I know that. It’s just--” 

 

Connor’s speech was cut off abruptly by lips on his.

 

“Sorry. You were getting to my level of rambling,” Evan says, pulling back but keeping his arms around Connor’s waist.

 

“It’s fine. Gotta shut me up somehow.” Connor’s cheeks became tinged with pink. “I’m sorry I pushed, Ev.”

 

“Thanks. It just genuinely never seemed important to tell you,” Evan says. Connor nods in understanding and pulls Evan into a hug, wrapping his arms around Evan’s shoulders.

 

“Do you wanna go back out?” Evan asks, his voice slightly muffled by Connor’s shoulder.

 

“Yeah.”

~

Jared immediately starts trying to apologize upon seeing Evan and Connor walk back into the living room.

 

“Evan! I’m so sorry! I shouldn't have brought it up, or I at least should’ve stopped when you told me to,” he says.

 

“It’s ok, Jared. We talked about it. We’re all good. Thank you though,” Evan assures him.

 

“Yeah. Besides, I know other things about him that you don’t, so we’re even,” Connor teases with a haughty smirk.

 

Jared makes a face at Connor’s implication. “Gross! I’m ok with that.”

 

“So am I,” Zoe chimes in, grimacing.