The common room was empty when Sirius ran inside, letter in hand, gripping it so tight his knuckles turned white. He went to the couch near the fire, shaking.
Sirius had been waiting for his parents’ response to what Reg had told them, and Sirius knew that this letter wouldn’t be good.
Regulus and Sirius had been fighting for a very long time, and as the conflict had had no progress for a while, Regulus thought it would be a brilliant idea to make things worse and out Sirius. To their racist, sexist, and homophobic family.
Sirius, it’s fine. This is nothing you haven’t heard before. It doesn’t matter. You hate them either way he told himself. Why are you freaking out? Get a fucking grip, you twat. Just open it. So he did.
Regulus has told us some incredibly disappointing news. You are a disgusting
faggot. This is absolutely repulsive. We raised you better than this! Yet time and time
again, you make these horrible decisions that are ruining people’s lives. You are
tarnishing the Noble House of Black’s good name. We have raised you better
than these sinful decisions! You are not to return to my house until you have
changed your ways. Do not attempt to contact us until you’ve changed.
Do not go anywhere near Regulus, he doesn’t need to be subjected to your illness.
We will know if you do. If you cannot change, you are no longer our son.
Orion and Walburga
Just as he’d expected. But that didn’t stop the tears from forming in his eyes. You fucking idiot! Why do you have to be like this! Why can’t you be more like Regulus! He’s straight, he’s in Slytherin, he’s got a girlfriend! All the teachers love him, he isn’t distracted by something every two seconds during their lessons! His parents don’t fucking hate him! Fuck you, Sirius! Sirius told himself.
He was shaking. His entire body, head to toes, was shaking violently in his chair. His chest felt half the size of what it used to be, he could barely breath. His breaths were shallow, causing him to become slightly dizzy. I’ve got no home. I’m homeless. I’m being disowned! Sirius could feel his insides almost collapsing, everything was weighing was him down. As everything became too bright, he squeezed his eyes shut trying to block it out, but his head was still throbbing when he closed them. He dug his nails into his wrist, trying to calm himself down. He kept gripping tighter and tighter, until he felt a bit of warm liquid running down his arm. Blood.
He opened his eyes again, but found himself able to watch the blood trail down to his elbow. The liquid was a deep red, matching the tapestries all around the room. It almost sparkled from the glowing fire beside him. It looked quite beautiful compared to his porcelain skin. He stared at it. This is real. This blood is real.
This pain is real.
Need more pain.
Sirius took his sharpest nail and dug it back into one of the existing cuts. It caused shooting pain to his wrist, but it felt right. Calming. He felt his nail pierce through another layer of skin. I wonder if I can reach bone… He began wiggling his finger deeper into his arm, and blood began to run down his finger. It was a smaller trail this time.
“SIRIUS!” A voice screamed. The voice sounded clouded, like he was under water. The voice called out for him again, but he felt frozen. Am I supposed to react? The person to which the voice must have belonged to ran over to his chair. “BLOODY HELL! Sirius, what the fuck are you doing!?” The voice continued. Sirius picked up his head, to see who was speaking. The figure looked fuzzy, but he recognized the person. Moony.
“Remus?” He asked, voice cracking.
“Yes it’s me, Remus.” He responded. Remus looked down at Sirius’ arm, and lifted his other hand from his wrist. What the hell was he doing? Without speaking, he pulled out a clean handkerchief from his pajama pocket. “Siri, this might sting a bit,” he said, gently blotting the blood from his arm. What happened to him? Remus began to feel his eyes sting a bit, too. Sirius just looked so vulnerable.
Remus looked to Sirius, but noticed that he paid no attention to Remus’ actions. He stared at the fireplace, eyes glazed over. Sirius’ eyes no longer looked like the shining silver that they were, but a stone colored grey. He went back to cleaning the blood. It was mostly gone, but his cut looked deeper than anticipated. I’ve got bandages upstairs to cover so he can’t scratch, and I’m sure I’ve got some ointments packed away somewhere.
“Sirius, hey? You with me?” asked Remus. Remus gently touched his shoulder to remind him of what was going on. Sirius looked back at Remus. It took Sirius a minute to register what was happening. Remus is fixing your mess. You’re bleeding. Why? Oh, yes, the letter from father dearest.
“Rem, I messed up,” Sirius whispered. My god, Sirius, you’ve scared him off. He thinks you’re bloody insane! Look at you, cutting yourself in a dark room on a couch, you’ve such a fuck-up. They’re right. “I’m a fuck-up. I’m disgusting! Look at me!” Sirius was raising his voice, a habit he’d take up from his father. He’d gone from 1 to 10 in a matter of seconds.
“What are you on about? You’re not a fuck-up! Sirius, what happened?” asked Remus. He looked at Sirius, expecting an answer, but no answer came. “Sirius, whatever it is, whatever’s caused this, please for gods sake just tell me.”
Sirius looked back at Remus but said nothing.
“Babe, you can tell me. I wanna help you. Whatever’s wrong, we can fix this.” Remus begged Sirius. He reached for Sirius’s hand, and gave it a gentle squeeze.
Sirius took a deep breath. “My parents know I’m gay.” His breaths once again became more shallow, as he began to think about it again. It was all too much.
“Oh god, babe, it’s gonna be okay.” Remus said, heart clenching. He knew how terrible Sirius’ parents were, and that they were exceptionally closed minded. They were furious with the fact that Sirius had long hair and liked to paint nails, so being gay would only anger them more.
“They hate me. I’m essentially disowned. ” Sirius whispered.
“They don’t see you how everyone else sees you. You’re so, so amazing. It’s not your fault they’re bigots. You don’t need them.” Remus leaned into Sirius a bit more on the couch, and wrapped his arm around him, pulling into a tight embrace. “Oh, sweetie, I love you so, so much. They don’t matter.” Remus rubbed small circles on Sirius’ back, and he seemed to relax a bit. He kissed the top of Sirius’ head. “Siri, everything’s gonna be okay. I promise.”
Sirius pulled back a bit, so they could once again look at each other to have an actual conversation. “No it’s not.”
“Yes, it will. It might not seem it now, but me and James and Peter and Lily will help you. We’re all here for you. We’re your family. Hell, even Minnie’s here for you.”
Sirius smiled a bit at that. “I just… I’m so scared Rem,” Sirius said, his voice breaking. “I’m so lost. I don't see the point in this anymore.”
Remus now had tears running down his face to match the black haired boy. He pulled Sirius into his lap. “I know babe. I know. But I promise you, everything will be okay.” He pressed another kiss to Sirius’ forehead. “I’ve got you now. You’re safe. They’ll never hurt you again. I won’t let them.” Sirius deserves the world, but the world is so cruel back. Sirius let out a muffled sob into Remus’ jumper, nuzzling into his warm chest even more. “We can figure this out, babe. I love you so much. You’re safe now.”
“Rem, what do I do?” Sirius whispered.
“You’re gonna have to get your stuff from their house, and then live with me or James.” Remus said, as if this was the obvious answer.
“No, babe, I can’t just impose myself into your house. I can suck it up for two more summers.” Sirius replied, picking up his head to look at Remus.
“Sirius,” began Remus, “there is no way in hell I will allow you to live with them.” Sirius tried to speak, but Remus cut him off. “No buts! You’ll head to their house right when summer break starts, grab all of your stuff, and me and my mum can help and bring it to our house. Or James’. Whatever you want.”
“I can’t do that.” Sirius said. Yes, he wanted to stay with Remus or James, but he could’t just invite himself over.
“Fine. We can talk with James tomorrow. For now, how about we get some rest?” Remus knew that Sirius wouldn’t be staying with the Black’s ever again, but Sirius wouldn’t listen. They both needed sleep.
“Yes, I suppose that we need sleep…” The two boys crept into their dormitory, trying to not wake James or Peter up. Luckily both Peter and James were heavy sleepers, so they got into bed just fine.
Remus lied down next to Sirius, so both boys were facing each other. “C’mere,” Remus whispered, pulling Sirius into his chest. Sirius curled into the embrace, finally feeling safe. Remus' steady heartbeat grounded him. Remus wrapped his arms around Sirius. “I love you, Sirius. Love you so much.”
“I love you too, Remmy,” Sirius spoke into Remus chest. “More than anything.” Both boys smiled as they drifted off too sleep.