A day passed.
Chloe, curled up in a warm fuzzy blanket on the couch right in front of the small fireplace, stared hopelessly into space as the small yellow splinters crackled their way out of their origins, up into the room only to disappear a moment later. The glow of the growing embers lighted up a portion of the otherwise dark room in her apartment, yet all she saw was black. Pure blackness. The blanket wrapped around her didn't help either, she felt as cold as ice. And it wasn't as if that night was particularly freezing or anything, but she felt an electric shiver run down her spine which, as she was certain, had nothing to do with the cold. It was triggered whenever she thought about...him.
He was alone.
Among those damned souls.
Surrounded only by evil. Eternities of it, in fact.
She could barely imagine spending her life in an atmosphere that had not a speck of goodness about it. A place where only she was the one in control...Of everything that had something to do with evil.
She wondered whether he could hear her useless thoughts. And if he did, could he endure it? Or was he totally oblivious of her pensive musings?
She tried brushing away all those concerns that hurt her like a stab to the heart every time she thought about them. After all, it was beyond pointless. But still, she found that those ghastly thoughts came creeping back into her fragile, broken heart, no matter how much she tried to shut them down.
It was impossible. Not thinking about him had become downright impossible for her now.
She ignored the silent stream of hot tears that flowed out of her sad eyes, leaving behind trails of wetness on her cheeks. She no longer dried them. She no longer held back the tears, the pain.
At least her daughter wasn't there with her to witness her mother's helplessness. Having to see Trixie feel sad on top of everything else that had happened the previous day would completely tear her heart apart. Not that she wasn't torn apart already.
She shot a sidelong glance at the bottle of wine she'd popped open an hour ago and a half full untouched glass sitting on a small table nearby.
She thought about how a day ago everything had seemed okay, with Lucifer by her side, until that...dreadful moment... when she lost him. His last touch lingered on her chin as if it had just been a moment ago that the archangel had left Earth. After he'd admitted that she, Chloe Decker, was his first and only love.
"Goodbye... ", his angelic but quivering voice echoed in her ears.
It felt so...real. Almost as if he were whispering into her ear, holding her hand, his warm fingers entwined with her cold ones, his deep brown eyes gleaming in the flickering light of the fire. It made her look around, as if he would just be sitting right beside her, his smiling eyes gazing into her tired, teary ones. She felt a strange pang in her heart when she realized that it was just another illusion, and she's been having a lot of them since he left.
She lost him forever.
She immediately rose from her couch, covering her pale lips with her hands, a lump forming in her throat, threatening to unexpectedly break into a loud sob.
This was too much for her to handle.
No, she couldn't lose him. Happiness was just around the corner, and she missed her chance by the breadth of a hair. If only she could hold him close one more time, to sink in all of him, all that he is. If only she could tell him how much she needed him, now more than ever. Oh, if only she'd stayed close to him for the limited time they had that she'd wasted because of her selfishness! Because she couldn't accept who he truly was. Is.
And when she'd finally gathered her shit together, it was too late.
She'd kept telling herself for the past few months that she didn't deserve him, that she was too weak a human to be able to love the Devil in his entirety. But, still, she loved him. All of him.
Because she'd rather have him in her life than not.
But now... All that felt so distant, her Lucifer was so far away from her that the prospect of being able to at least see him again seemed ridiculous.
She had, indeed, brought this upon herself, and him.
All the guilt of her slight attempts at conspiring against him came crashing down upon her like an avalanche. And that too, with a crazy, murderous monster who called himself a priest, who had misused her vulnerability and had tried to turn her against the man, the Angel she loved... The Angel she loves.
She has GOT to stop referring to him in the past tense. She assured herself, he's still alive and well, he's just doing his duty. And what a duty that is! Torturing damned souls forever. Punishing the guilty.
"It was a job, Detective. Something I was forced to do."
She heard his unsteady voice in her head.
She couldn't for the life of her imagine how it must feel like to be subject to such cruelty as Lucifer was, to be forced to do something as terrifying and horrifying as punishing guilty criminals and guiltless monsters.
"How could you do this to me? To ME?"
How could have she hurt him like that?
And she remembered, how large his heart must be, that he forgave her for all of it. No, no, he couldn't forgive her, she wouldn't allow him to forgive her for what she did, or at least tried to do; Hell, SHE couldn't forgive herself for her foolishness. Why would she, then, dare to ask for his forgiveness?
"My first love was never Eve. It was you, Chloe. It always has been."
Those words now seemed to break whatever was left of her poor broken heart everytime she heard it in her head. He loved her. How betrayed he must have felt knowing that the one person he trusted, loved, was plotting against him behind his back! Because she was terrified of him! Yet he had left his home for her, to protect her, and had gone back to exactly where he'd sworn to never return. All for the sake of protecting humanity.
The pain she felt was too much now. Chloe Decker was never one to lose control over her actions, but she let herself slide just this one time. Just once, she wanted to release all the bubbled up anger against herself, all the pain that gnawed at her very soul.
She screamed at the top of her voice, unable to hide her agony of losing him, of being the reason why he had to leave, just for a moment, and she burst into loud tears when she realized there was no point in suppressing her mind, as it only worsened everything for her.
In a fit of blind rage, she grabbed the half empty bottle of wine and hurled it against the wall with all her might, yelling like there was no tomorrow.
She breathed loudly, panting in between sobs, feeling slightly ashamed at herself for being so... weak? Death seemed a better option now...but... No. She could never think of it. She couldn't leave her daughter, not ever. She couldn't lose her few friends. She couldn't give up just because it was all too much....There still burned dimly, a lone lantern of hope inside her, a feeling that maybe...Maybe Lucifer would come back to her someday.
That thought seemed to console her a little, but in a few minutes reality would slap her right in the face, laughing at her foolish hope, telling her how impossible her wish was. This has been going on and on in an unending loop inside her wretched mind, the whole day.
She sniffed and huffed, gathering herself, forcing herself to try to regain her sanity which she hasn't been privy to for a long, long time now. Especially after last night.
The glaring light of the sun pierced its way through her bedroom window, causing her eyes to crinkle. She woke up from her bed, scrunching up her tired face, her fingers brushing over her creased forehead as she tried to move some stray hairs blocking her vision. She sighed, waiting for her asleep mind to catch up with her body. And it all dawned on her at once.
Lucifer was really gone.
She couldn't remember the last time she'd felt happy. Happiness seemed so much like a stranger now.
Lucifer is in Hell. Maybe it was time she started accepting the truth, instead of denying the obvious.
She tried to recollect what had happened the night before. Right, she'd completely lost her shit. Well, that wasn't new.
She inched her way across the room, thinking of what the Hell she was to do now.
Getting ready for work seemed like the hardest thing in the world now that she had to question suspects and write case reports without a certain quirky consultant tagging alongside her. She tried to stifle a gasp, but in vain, the image of him holding two coffee cups in his hands strolling up to her desk in glee clear as crystal in her mind, but her eyes threatened to sparkle, because deep down, she knew very well he'd never show up again.
She took her usual seat in the island stool in her kitchen, coffee in one hand and her phone in the other. Watching the fumes go up from her steaming, hot coffee, for a moment she felt like it could ease her pain just a little.
Thinking back, she could barely remember how she'd gotten home in one piece after... Well, after what had happened. Time seemed so slow now. It was as if he'd only just kissed her moments ago, his lips soft and gentle as ever. She almost felt his presence beside her, as she was reminded of his exquisite eyes, and his beautiful voice, and his heavenly smile...
A loud chime from her phone interrupted her daydream, and she looked at the screen, hoping it was a message from her celestial partner, but quickly scoffed at herself for hoping so wildly.
It was from Dan, asking whether she was okay, and why she hadn't turned up at the precinct yesterday.
Oh, shit. Nobody knows. No one, except her, knows about Lucifer.
Maze...Oh, does Maze not know? Worry filled her gut in an instant.
She dialled Dan, waiting for him to pick up.
"Hey, Chloe, where were you yesterday? I tried calling you but you wouldn't pick up...You okay?"
"Hi...Yeah, I'm... I'm fine," she tried her best to sound normal, "I... I wasn't...feeling well, yesterday. I..."
"Um...Nothing... Is uh... Is.. How's Trixie?"
"She left for school a few minutes ago. Oh, and she was asking whether she could stay here for a few more days."
"Oh.... Okay, you wouldn't mind looking after her?"
"Of course not, Chloe, I love having her over here. Besides, I like the noise. I like to keep busy."
Charlotte. It still pained her to think of what happened to her. And, now she could completely understand his pain.
Wow, it hurt.
But it wasn't the same.
Charlotte was literally in Heaven, and Lucifer had literally gone to Hell.
But at least Lucifer and Chloe got to say "goodbye" unlike them; Charlotte's death was like a sudden blow to the head.
"Yeah...I get it. Sure, she can stay as long as she wants."
"Thanks... And... You're coming to work today, right?"
"Yeah. Any new cases?"
"Not yet, but I'll let you know if anything pops up."
She felt a tug at her heart at the mention of those words.
"Let me know if anything pops up... Or falls down, rather." Only two days ago, Lucifer had been sitting at her desk, smiling at her, telling her how he had everything under control.
She could swear she heard Lucifer's voice there and then. She half expected him to just appear out of nowhere and go, "Hello, Detective!"
"Chloe? You still there?"
She snapped back from her trail of thoughts, and hastily replied, "Yeah, thanks, Dan."
"Are you really okay?"
Telling him sounded promising. Letting it out to one person other than her, seemed so tempting. But what would she even tell him? Would he even believe her? She checked herself just in time to prevent further problems.
"I have a headache. And it really sucks."
Gosh, she SO wanted someone to understand. Dan couldn't help her, no, she resisted the urge to tell him what was really bothering her.
"Oh...Why don't you stay at home then? Take some rest, Ella and I...We can handle things here..."
As promising as that sounded, she would go crazy if she stayed there alone any longer...
Unless she could go meet baby Charlie... And help Linda take care of him. Maybe that would calm her down and stop her from going crazy.
Wait a second. LINDA!
Oh, Linda!! Of course, why didn't she think of her before?? She's the only human who can understand what she's going through. She was really a blessing in disguise. Chloe practically smiled at the very thought of telling her everything... Maybe Linda could help her deal with this.
"Really? Are you sure?"
"Thank you, Dan... I'll call you in the evening."
She didn't waste a single second to grab her car keys, and she'd never felt more eager as she revved up the engine and drove past her apartment.