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sleep deprived superheroes (and twitter aren't a good mix)

Chapter Text

spooder @ActuallySpider-Man
sometimes I just really want a nice glass of milk


yeetyeet @chickenfeet
Eyyyyy another spiderman account I hope this one's fun

Amelia :) @babycarrots217
I wonder when Spidey will actually get a twitter lol

two bros @chillininahottub
Imagine if this was actually Spider-Man tho and we all thought it was a parody account

spooder @ActuallySpider-Man
lmao

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spooder @ActuallySpider-Man
[image of a colourful sunset over the New York skyline taken from obviously high up]
sunset was heckin great, glad to be out spider-manning tonight! 

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spooder @ActuallySpider-Man
lmao mr snark doesn't know I have twitter so I can say what I want about him until he shows up

spooder @ActuallySpider-Man
reasons why anthony starky is a dumbass:
- he doesn't sleep for days sometimes and then ends up passing out in the middle of a lab
- one of his robots (/children), DUM-E, makes smoothies that generally contain motor oil and screws etc. last week mr stark was so out of it with sleep deprivation that he drank one without thinking
- steve took his shirt off once after a battle and mr stark walked into a wall (I mean same tho, Steve has abs for days)
- he programmed FRIDAY to talk back but gets annoyed every time she does
- he pretends he isn't Soft and Sentimental but he actually is

spooder @ActuallySpider-Man
it's exposing toby starch o'clock feel free to join in

Iron Stank @TonyStark
KID

spooder @ActuallySpider-Man
He Is Summoned

Iron Stank @TonyStark
WHAT DID I DO TO DESERVE THIS??? WHY?? Wait when did you even get a twitter?????

Iron Stank @TonyStark
Also wtf it's 2am get off the internet go to bed

spooder @ActuallySpider-Man
no u

Iron Stank @TonyStark
:(

spooder @ActuallySpider-Man
ok ok im going


two bros @chillininahottub
LMAO I WAS RIGHT

Amelia :) @babycarrots217
holy crap an actual spider-man account?????? Aaaahhhh

red gay @gayred
I'm so happy omg spider-man is my fav <3

Liam B @bitchfacemcgee
it still could be a parody account...

ily thor! @aussiechild
hell no that's actual Tony Stark, mate

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spooder @ActuallySpider-Man
oh hey look at that I got verified already thank u mr starch and sorry for stealing ur sandwich

Iron Stank @TonyStark
You're welcome, kid.

Iron Stank @TonyStark
Wait my sandwich??

spooder @ActuallySpider-Man
shite

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spooder @ActuallySpider-Man
I made all the avengers read good omens so we could watch the new Amazon series together 

spooder @ActuallySpider-Man
problem is I only have one very tattered copy I found in a second hand shop a few years ago, so they all had to take turns reading it

spooder @ActuallySpider-Man
Tony offered to buy everyone a copy but I told him that it's basically a tradition by this point to borrow an old, falling apart copy from a friend (I did when I first read it anyway lol) so he shut up and read it

spooder @ActuallySpider-Man
anyway long story short they all loved it, we binged the series and HOLY SHIT ITS FANTASTIC ily david tennant, michael sheen, neil gaiman and everyone else who was involved <3

Neil Gaiman @neilhimself
I'm glad you enjoyed it

spooder @ActuallySpider-Man
sksjksjshskkdjdkslsjjslslsksjsh aaaaahh <333333


CROWLEYCROWLEYCROWLEYYY@treefullofmonkeys
Ineffable husbands???

spooder @ActuallySpider-Man
INEFFABLE HUSBANDS <3

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spooder @ActuallySpider-Man
yo I think I got stabbed lmao 

Iron Stank @TonyStark
KID WHERE THE FUCK ARE YOU IM ON MY WAY

spooder @ActuallySpider-Man
omg it's mr iron can

Chapter Text

no.1 SI intern @peter-parkour
uh so yeet ig

no.1 SI intern @peter-parkour
[image of Tony asleep in lab bench, amid bits and pieces of Iron Man armour]
he finally fell asleep, Ms Potts is gonna kill him for staying awake for 3 days straight and Cap's gonna give him a PSA 


a mess @bibibiiiii
This account literally just popped out of nowhere, is it legit??

yeeterooni @yeeterooni
...unless he got that pic from the internet??? I guess????

idjit @iamironstan
guess we'll have to wait and see



no.1 SI intern @peter-parkour
[shaky video of Clint screaming something incoherent and vaulting over the couch towards the camera, whoever's behind it is cackling with laughter as they run]
i ate the leftover pizzastggsjjsbnskkssjlnksh sn a;

no.1 SI intern @peter-parkour
[photo through bars of metal, you can just see the top of Clint's head]
i've escaped into the vents, which is funny bc Clint is always the one in the vents 

no.1 SI intern @peter-parkour
[same photo but Clint has his phone in his hand and is staring up at him]
wait does Clint have twitter

COOLEST AVENGER @hawkeyeee
Yup.

no.1 SI intern @peter-parkour
OH SHIT
[blurred photo of hawkeye's head poking up through now open vent]


idjit @iamironstan
Huh

Ass(TM) @asgardianassgardian
Huh indeed

yeeterooni @yeeterooni
@peter-parkour wait so you're actually an intern at SI??? How come you know the avengers?

no.1 SI intern @peter-parkour
I'm actually Mr. Stark's personal intern, and it just kinda went from there

raiiiinnnnnbooowww @thatsgay
@peter-parkour did you escape Clint?

no.1 SI intern @peter-parkour
Thankfully, yevvggdghhgdhskksjd

no.1 SI intern @peter-parkour
Hello, this is Clint. I am holding Peter's phone hostage until he tells me where my pizza went


raiiiinnnnnbooowww @thatsgay
Lmao who's gonna break the news to him

gal pals my ass @spacelesbian
Not me

Ass(TM) @asgardianassgardian
same

lord of the bling @yoloswaggins
Ok fine,,, 
@peter-parkour ate the pizza
(sorry Peter, rip)


no.1 SI intern @peter-parkour
I have just discovered that the pizza now resides in Peter's stomach. This is a betrayal. A bitch gonna die.


gal pals my ass @spacelesbian
f

raiiiinnnnnbooowww @thatsgay
f

two bros @chillininahottub
f

crying rn @depressedfangirl
f

ouch my life @erinarren
f

dooweedoooo @childrenoftime
f

Memethew @matthews17638
f

Shuruwui @actualprincess
ffffffffff

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spooder @ActuallySpider-Man
I lived bitch

spooder @ActuallySpider-Man
omg so many people are freaking out I'm so sorry! I healed pretty much completely within several hours of getting shot so I'm 100% fine. It's a reeeeelatively regular occurrence dw

Iron Stank @TonyStark
You're the reason I have grey hairs, kiddo

spooder @ActuallySpider-Man
have you considered that might just be because you're old?

Iron Stank @TonyStark
Who the hell taught you to be so snarky???

spooder @ActuallySpider-Man
obviously you mr snark sir

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[news twitter]
News @news acct
Spider-Man gets twitter and publicly roasts Tony Stark! #ActuallySpider-Man #MrSnark


SPIDER-FAN @hellohell
Mr Snark I'm crying-

raiiiinnnnnbooowww @thatsgay
snarky starky

Memethew @matthews17638
KSKSJSKJSKSKSKDHJAGAGAHSJ

Amelia :) @babycarrots217
We don't deserve Spidey but I'm so glad we have him asdjdjfjkf

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spooder @ActuallySpider-Man
@actualprincess ily

Shuruwui @actualprincess
ily2 :P

spooder @ActuallySpider-Man
how's Wakanda?

Shuruwui @actualprincess
I'm working on some new technology that will allow our planes to [redacted] while [redacted] which will be useful for [redacted]

Shuruwui @actualprincess
Top secret lmao sorry I'll tell u over text

spooder @ActuallySpider-Man
that's my gal <3 smarty pants 

Shuruwui @actualprincess
Awwww <3 (actually the tech is for farming lol)

spooder @ActuallySpider-Man
pikachu meme

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spooder @ActuallySpider-Man
im kinda late but
HAPPY PRIDE MOTH EVERYONE YOU'RE ALL SO STRONG AND AMAZING AND INSPIRING I LOVE YOU ALL

spooder @ActuallySpider-Man
also @danielhowell omg your video made me cry,, thank u so much and I'm so proud of u (and phil too) <3


Shuruwui @actualprincess
'Pride moth'

two bros @chillininahottub
'Pride moth'

SPIDEY SAYS GAY RIGHTS @queerbby11
'Pride moth'

raiiiinnnnnbooowww @thatsgay
'Pride moth'

demön! @nebulaeex
pride moth drawing (mothman wearing rainbow flag cape)
Pride moth

spooder @ActuallySpider-Man
oh my god that's amazing sksjksjshskkdjdkslsjjslslsksjsh

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no.1 SI intern @peter-parkour
I lived, bitch

I have 257 knives @blackwindow
How? Clint loves his pizza

no.1 SI intern @peter-parkour
I did puppy dog eyes 

I have 257 knives @blackwindow
Oh shit

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spoodyman fan @dundundunnn
@peter-parkour do you know @ActuallySpider-Man ?

no.1 SI intern @peter-parkour
I do! heyyyyy @ActuallySpider-Man

spooder @ActuallySpider-Man
bro <3

no.1 SI intern @peter-parkour
bro <3

spooder @ActuallySpider-Man
peter actually has a lot to do with me. he often helps out with suit upgrades and new webbing!

no.1 SI intern @peter-parkour
awwww thanks :)

spooder @ActuallySpider-Man
np also I think Steve's cooking spaghett so we should probs go help/eat it all

no.1 SI intern @peter-parkour
yessssssss Steve spaghett 😫💦

Iron Stank @TonyStark
Wh-

spooder @ActuallySpider-Man
oh it's mr stank gotta blast

Iron Stank @TonyStark
The two of you are on the same couch rn I'm ???

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flash @fastestman
@ActuallySpider-Man you're my favourite superhero!

spooder @ActuallySpider-Man
Eye-

BLACK LIVES MATTER @MichelleJones
Stop thirsting, Eugene, no one wants to see that

flash @fastestman
Stop being a bitch, Michelle, no one wants to see that

cindy @moonmoon
flash shut up or she'll kick you off acadec

flash @fastestman
yeah whatever but still you can't deny that Spider-Man is awesome

BLACK LIVES MATTER @MichelleJones
that's literally the only thing I agree with you on

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fridge magnet @jbbarnes
Good morning world, can we all take a moment to thank whatever god that's responsible for Steven Grant Roger's ass

on your above, asshole @falconsam
Since when do you have twitter??? 

fridge magnet @jbbarnes
Since I decided I needed to publicly praise America's Ass

stove @CaptainAmerican't
Bucky oh my god please get off twitter Ms Potts is actually going to stab you

fridge magnet @jbbarnes
Fuckjjsksjsns n

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Iron Stank @TonyStark
@PepperPotts I love you I'm sorry for not sleeping 

Stark CEO @PepperPotts
I love you too but please get off twitter you're in a meeting

Iron Stank @TonyStark
Shit u right

Iron Stank @TonyStark
Wait you're in the meeting too

Stark CEO @PepperPotts
Yes, but I'm much better at multitasking and also much better at hiding my phone. Now get off.

Iron Stank @TonyStark
Yes ma'am sorry ma'am

no.1 SI intern @peter-parkour
lmao rip

Iron Stank @TonyStark
PETER YOURE IN CLASS

no.1 SI intern @peter-parkour
shit u rite

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spooder @ActuallySpider-Man
[selfie taken from the top of a building- you can see Spider-Man's mask and the suit down to his shoulders. He's doing a peace sign with the arm not holding the camera, and in the background you can see the city and a cloudless blue sky] 
beautiful afternoon to patrol Queens, say hi if you see me, I don't bite (hard)!

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breaking news @newyorknews
Spider-Man stops out-of-control truck, saves 5 people

Spider-Man sightings @NYspiderman
Spider-Man saves at least 5 people, including two kids aged 11 and 14, from freak accident in Queens
[photo of Spider-Man holding the front of a truck, stopping it just before it hits a car]
[photo of uninjured family and truck driver posing for a photo with Spider-Man]


raiiiinnnnnbooowww @thatsgay
oh my god I was in a shop next to the whole thing it was fucking terrifying thank you @ActuallySpider-Man

andrew @orcboy557
I wouldn't be alive right now if it wasn't for you @ActuallySpider-Man I'm still shaking thank you so much oh god


The Bugle @the-bugle-official
Spider-Man may save lives, but has the crime rate risen because of him?

BLACK LIVES MATTER @MichelleJones
@the-bugle-official fuck off no one likes your shitty newspaper anyway

Chapter Text

spooder @ActuallySpider-Man
iron man is my favourite avenger

Iron Stank @TonyStark
I'm... extremely honoured

Stark CEO @PepperPotts
He's lying on the couch, crying into the pillows

Iron Stank @TonyStark
Why Would You Expose Me In This Way?

I have 258 knives @blackwindow
...who's your fav, Tony?

war machine??? @IronicPatriot
You've gotta tell us now, Nat is currently polishing her new favourite knife on the tea towel in the kitchen

spooder @ActuallySpider-Man
you better watch out, you better watch out, yoU BETTER WATCH OUT

Iron Stank @TonyStark
Spider-Man is my favourite Avenger

spooder @ActuallySpider-Man
SKSJSKKSHSKSKDJJSKAJABKAJAJAHKAJSHSHKAJAJDHEJEBAAKSKSJFLDKBDKLDLFKAJGAKSKDK,,, mr dad im,,,,,,,,,,,

Shuruwui @actualprincess
spoodyman just rung me sobbing What Did You Do To Him

Shuruwui @actualprincess
Oh lmao

Iron Stank @TonyStark
Wait... Mr Dad???

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COOLEST AVENGER @hawkeyeee
Why is Tony on the floor now?

COOLEST AVENGER @hawkeyeee
Wait he's crying???

COOLEST AVENGER @hawkeyeee
Oh of course it's his kid hahahaha binch



SPIDER-MAN SAYS GAY RIGHTS @freddieddie
Wait what,,, 'his kid'

Disaster lesbian @adoringadora
oh my god I know it's just one word but is Spider-Man Tony Stark's son??? What??????

Tolkien spam mainly @rivendellrabbit
I mean it would make sense? Tony was a playboy and could potentially have an illegitimate child from back then???? Anyone know how old Spidey is?

yeetyeet @chickenfeet
I'd say he's school aged? Because if you've ever met him, his voice is a bit high-pitched, and he also does seem to patrol only outside school hours. And take a look at his tweets, he's totally Gen Z

all women are queens @alliemac
the idea of Spidey being in school is insane holy shit 

spider-fan @deadgirlwalking
ikr?? I can barely manage my subjects along with karate twice a week, and he's out all night??

asdfghjkl @ironwoman
Tony would be a great dad now tho, I'd say,,, even from the little interaction I've seen him have with Spider-Man,, aaahhh

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COOLEST AVENGER @hawkeyeee
Why is everyone asking me if Spider-Man is Tony's child? Of course he is??

COOLEST AVENGER @hawkeyeee
Wait shit

COOLEST AVENGER @hawkeyeee
Pepper has just informed me that no,  he's not Tony's actual child. Please believe me when I say it was an accident and I actually thought he was his biological kid, and please don't go saying he is or Pepper will actually have my head.

COOLEST AVENGER @hawkeyeee
In my defence they totally seem like father and son

Stark CEO @PepperPotts
Clint.

COOLEST AVENGER @hawkeyeee
I'M SORRY

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spooder @ActuallySpider-Man
TONY STARK IS NOT MY BIOLOGICAL FATHER I LITERALLY MET HIM A FEW YEARS AGO 

spooder @ActuallySpider-Man

@TonyStark [you’re not my dad vine]


spooder @ActuallySpider-Man
I'm actually an orphan lmao my parents died when I was smol I live with a relative

gotham aaaahhhh @adamdamn
Are you batman???

spooder @ActuallySpider-Man
No I'm an arachnid not a mammal

spooder @ActuallySpider-Man
I do wish I had a cape tho

Guy In The Chair @chair-man
no capes

spooder @ActuallySpider-Man
:(

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no.1 SI intern @peter-parkour
the most chaotic part of being a stark industries intern is tony mcfreaking stark

no.1 SI intern @peter-parkour
not Thor walking around shirtless (a tripping hazard because DAMN THAT MAN), or Clint falling out of random vents, or finding a knife under the table or door that Nat or Bucky have hidden,,, 

no.1 SI intern @peter-parkour
tony stark is actually a really weird dude. like he has a more screwed up sleeping pattern than even me (and that's saying something), he has random stashes of food (mainly blueberries??) around the tower, and he wears an insane amount of iron man merch

no.1 SI intern @peter-parkour
the first time I was in his lab he was like 'hey wanna blow up some old iron man armour?' and I was like wtf no but also yes

no.1 SI intern @peter-parkour
so we went and blew up old iron man armour

no.1 SI intern @peter-parkour
the other day he walked into the lab and decided that we were going to make a new toaster that can use lightning to toast bread bc Clint keeps daring Thor to toast bread with his lightning powers but they always end up toasting the whole bench

no.1 SI intern @peter-parkour
so now we're making toasters I guess. new line from stark industries: thor powered toasters??

no.1 SI intern @peter-parkour
when a couple of friends first convinced me to get an intern twitter I was like ??? what am I gonna tweet??? but actually there's a lot of stuff, this house is weird af

spooder @ActuallySpider-Man
Ikr,,, the other day I was sparring with Nat (losing, obviously) and Tony and Clint just showed up to watch and ate popcorn/threw popcorn at us

spooder @ActuallySpider-Man
the first time I met Tony he just,, showed up at my house and I was so confused and also terrified but he was like hey u wanna go to Germany lets go here's a cool suit now fight cap

spooder @ActuallySpider-Man
it was really fun lmao (but I was also fanboying the whole time bc all these amazing superheroes I've looked up to for so long and now I'm amongst them??? Whh??)

spooder @ActuallySpider-Man
oh also the shawarma story lmao

Iron Stank @TonyStark
What is it with you two and exposing me?

no.1 SI intern @peter-parkour
you deserve it

spooder @ActuallySpider-Man
you broke Peter's phone by sitting on it, so yes 

Iron Stank @TonyStark
Now you don't have any excuses not to accept the StarkPhone I've been trying to give to you since I first met you

no.1 SI intern @peter-parkour
ok fiiiiiine mr dad

Chapter Text

spooder @ActuallySpider-Man
@TonyStark you are my daaaad, you're my dad! boogie woogie woogie 

Iron Stank @TonyStark
Why are you like this

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BLACK LIVES MATTER @MichelleJones
I'm lesbian

Shuruwui @actualprincess
I thought you were American

BLACK LIVES MATTER @MichelleJones
Oh my god wait are you princess Shuri?? Peter's told me about you 

Shuruwui @actualprincess
that's me B)

Shuruwui @actualprincess
wait what did he tell you??

BLACK LIVES MATTER @MichelleJones
All good things, don't worry

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spooder @ActuallySpider-Man

i

 

spooder @ActuallySpider-Man

i finished stranger things 3 and there are actual tears on my face

 

spooder @ActuallySpider-Man

aaaaaaaaaaahhhhh

 

spooder @ActuallySpider-Man

but also

 

spooder @ActuallySpider-Man

bITCH WHAT THE FUCK

 

spooder @ActuallySpider-Man

AAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

 

spooder @ActuallySpider-Man

also I have had Calm Down stuck in my head all day and I think it might be because I've been thinking about Robin and I think it kinda suits her also I LOVE HER SO MUCH OH MY GOD 

 

spooder @ActuallySpider-Man

anyway time to go fight crime I guess

 

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spooder @ActuallySpider-Man
I’ve been wanting to re-read Good Omens since we watched the series,,, and im in the middle of yeeting myself through the city to go to the tower but I thought I better tell this story before I forgot

spooder @ActuallySpider-Man
anyway so back when I first read GO, I borrowed a tattered, falling apart copy from a friend. The friend had been telling me for like 2 years how good it was and about his copy, which was his dad’s and was like a 1st edition or something

spooder @ActuallySpider-Man
I took it away with me when I went on a small road trip with my guardian to see some of her friends. We were staying in this hotel place and I was about half way or so through it by that point, and one night at like 1am I was lying in bed pretending to be asleep (watching youtube) and then I hear this far-off beeping start

spooder @ActuallySpider-Man
it gets louder and louder, and im sitting in bed holding my phone going ‘the fuck??’ and then I realise it’s the start of a fucking fire alarm

spooder @ActuallySpider-Man
my guardian wakes up as it starts going off properly (yknow the ones that go EMERGENCY EVACTUATE NOW EVACUATE IMMEDIATELY WHOOP WHOOP in that man voice) and I kinda start freaking out bc all my stuff is in my suitcase and I know im supposed to leave my shit behind in a fire but

spooder @ActuallySpider-Man
im sleep deprived and possibly hyperventilating by this point, and I see Good Omens sitting on my bedside table and im like ‘shit my frien will be so mad if it gets burnt in the fire’ so I shove it in my backpack with my phone and charger and everything off my bedside table

spooder @ActuallySpider-Man
we go down the stairs and end up standing outside in the drizzle for like 40 minutes with everyone else, in our pyjamas, while the firemen come and check it all out

spooder @ActuallySpider-Man
and im just there clutching Good Omens like plz ineffable husbands protecc me

spooder @ActuallySpider-Man
anyway yeah it was apparently just someone burning eggs or some shit at 1am and everyone grumbled and went back inside and went to sleep

spooder @ActuallySpider-Man
when I got back to NY I was like hey bro I saved ur Good Omens and he was like NO U FUCKIGNG MORON SAVE YOURSELF ITS JUST A BOOk

spooder @ActuallySpider-Man
anyway oh shit theres a crime byeet

Shuruwui @actualprincess
Wild

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magic hoe @witchywanda
Vision educated himself in musicals and I am Scared

magic hoe @witchywanda
he's moved on from Hamilton (thank god) and is now singing Heathers

magic hoe @witchywanda
I think Nat is ready to stab him. Clint took his hearing aids out and is peacefully watching subtitled Shrek 2

magic hoe @witchywanda
Oh no Spider-Man just came through the window 

magic hoe @witchywanda
Update: Spider-Man and Vis are both singing Meant to be Yours

magic hoe @witchywanda
Update: they've finished heathers and moved onto le mis. Tony has joined in. Bruce has earplugs. They're pretending to wave flags and shoot each other 

magic hoe @witchywanda
Update: oh god they're singing under the sea I'm never going to get this out of my head

magic hoe @witchywanda
Update: I have left the building via the window

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fridge magnet @jbbarnes
Steve is away on a mission and I'm lonely :,(

spooder @ActuallySpider-Man
this is so sad FRIDAY play despacito

spooder @ActuallySpider-Man
in all seriousness though, do you wanna come watch a movie with me Bruce and Thor? we're in the common room

fridge magnet @jbbarnes
Actually that would be really nice, thanks

spooder @ActuallySpider-Man
the options are: 2017 beauty and the beast, the princess bride orrrrrr nanny mcphee. i really don’t care what u choose bc my mind is dead from binge watching

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war machine??? @IronicPatriot
Why is despacito playing on repeat through the whole tower?

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Iron Stank @TonyStark
I just got back to the tower and everyone is hiding under desks/wearing earmuffs/leaving I'm confused?? Did Doom try and break in again???

Iron Stank @TonyStark
Wait that song sounds familiar

Iron Stank @TonyStark
Wait shit Spidey not again

Iron Stank @TonyStark
Why is FRIDAY not listening to me?????

Iron Stank @TonyStark
Okay I've reached the avengers common room and it seems that it's playing everywhere but in here because Thor, Bruce, Bucky and Spidey are peacefully watching Princess Bride

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spooder @ActuallySpider-Man
I publicly apologise to all stark industries employees for accidentally making FRIDAY play despacito on repeat for 40 minutes (again)

Shuruwui @actualprincess
you should play 7x whats new pussycat, 1x its not unusual and then 13x whats new pussycat

spooder @ActuallySpider-Man
oh my god yes

Iron Stank @TonyStark
No.

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spooder @ActuallySpider-Man
we just finished the movie and Thor is crying happily into Bruce's sweater (it's a really nice soft one, Bruce is big soft)

spooder @ActuallySpider-Man
Bucky is happy, which is good

brissie boi @riprosso
and how are you?

spooder @ActuallySpider-Man
Oh! I'm good :) thanks for asking


brissie boi @riprosso
oh my god he is so pure and soft protect at all costs

oopsies @poppygloria11
he is omg

Disaster lesbian @adoringadora
ikr??? Aaahhh 

Disaster Gay @spaceace
spooder defence squad, assemble!

Iron Stank @TonyStark
rt

Stark CEO @PepperPotts
rt

COOLEST AVENGER @hawkeyeee
rt

Shuruwui @actualprincess
rt

war machine??? @IronicPatriot
rt

science nerd @greenbeanbruce
rt

fridge magnet @jbbarnes
rt

on your above, asshole @falconsam
rt

Vision @Vision
rt

magic hoe @witchywanda
rt

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no.1 SI intern @peter-parkour
working on spider-man suit upgrade!! yeet!

spooder @ActuallySpider-Man
can this one go through the wash without things coming off?

no.1 SI intern @peter-parkour
in theory, yes, but we haven't tested it yet

no.1 SI intern @peter-parkour
testing...

no.1 SI intern @peter-parkour
ahahahaha 

spooder @ActuallySpider-Man
HONEY WHERES MY SUPERSUIT

no.1 SI intern @peter-parkour
fuck it shrunk im sorry babe

spooder @ActuallySpider-Man
noooooooooo binch >:(

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Hottest superhero rumours! @heroweekly
Who is peter-parkour and is he dating Spider-Man?


Guy In The Chair @chair-man
ksksjsjskjhskjshdjskd @peter-parkour

no.1 SI intern @peter-parkour
oh shit

Chapter Text

flash @fastestman

Peter Parker is a fake lol

 

flash @fastestman

He claims to know the avengers and spider-man but really he's a disgrace to their names

 

flash @fastestman

And he is always coming up with bullshit excuses to skip school and acadec. I don't know why they haven't kicked him out already.

 

not lincoln @abebabe

Wow who pissed in your cereal this morning?

 

flash @fastestman

Fuck off

 

not lincoln @abebabe

So Eloquent

 

-

 

no.1 SI intern @peter-parkour

when u sad :(

 

-

 

[8:32am]

[group chat: golden trio but gen z]

 

the chosen one: Ned sent me this,,,, they think I'm dating myself

 

darth ned: are you thinking what im thinking B1

 

the chosen one: I think I am B2

 

queen mj: please tell me you're going to screw with them

 

the chosen one: 10 points to mj!!

the chosen one: of course I am

 

queen mj: also

queen mj: don't let flash get to you

queen mj: he's a massive dick and wants attention

queen mj: tbh he probs has a really small dick

 

the chosen one: is that supposed to make me and my non-existent dick feel better?

 

queen mj: yes

 

darth ned: yes

 

the chosen one: hh I guess it does

the chosen one: thanks gays <3

 

darth ned: <3

 

queen mj: <

 

darth ned: dammit

darth ned: one day she will do heart emoji

 

-

 

who ya gonna call @dumbassboogara

@ActuallySpider-Man what powers do you have?? bc I am Confusion

 

spooder @ActuallySpider-Man

I don't blame u lmao, they're pretty weird. Some people think it's the suit, which isn't true- my first suit was homemade and yeah, yeah ok mr stank its basically a onesie

 

spooder @ActuallySpider-Man

then toby starch over here came along and gave me a heckin cool suit, which pretty much has an AI which helps with stuff sometimes, more high-tech webshooters, and allows me a wide range of movement

 

spooder @ActuallySpider-Man

so that's the suit down,, now onto powers

 

spooder @ActuallySpider-Man

my powers are basically:

-sticky (stick to everything- took a while to get a hang of bc I couldn't figure out how to unstick)

-strength (can lift very heavy stuff like a bus idk. also can swing without hurting myself and/or ripping myself apart so I'd say that's part of strength)

 

spooder @ActuallySpider-Man

-healing (pretty quick, not as good as deadpools tho)

-Spidey-sense (uh,,, anxiety on steroids that's useful when fighting to warn me of what's about to happen but not useful in everyday life when it's just the back of my head screaming at me and I have no idea what's happening)

 

rip stan lee @deadpool

Thx b

 

spooder @ActuallySpider-Man

go away

 

rip stan lee @deadpool

:( ok

 

spooder @ActuallySpider-Man

im kidding im kidding, meet me at that churro place and I'll give u a hug, u better be in one piece tho

 

rip stan lee @deadpool

:D

 

basically im crying @danstan

wait so the webs don't actually like,, come out of you

 

spooder @ActuallySpider-Man

eww no, I make them with chemicals n stuff and shoot them with webshooters (wristband thingies)

 

yeetyeet @chickenfeet

How did you get your powers??

 

spooder @ActuallySpider-Man

got bit by a radioactive spider from a lab on a field trip lmao

 

yeetyeet @chickenfeet

Woah what the fuck

 

spooder @ActuallySpider-Man

yeah it was Unpleasant (also, yes, the spider curled up and died afterwards so no yall can't have spider powers too)

 

who ya gonna call @dumbassboogara

damn

 

-

 

no.1 SI intern @peter-parkour

@ActuallySpider-Man are you cheating on me with dp??? I can't believe ur going to get churros without me :(

 

spooder @ActuallySpider-Man

[selfie of spider-man and deadpool, masks pulled up just so their mouths are visible, eating churros together. dp is laughing]

sorry babe but he's not too broke to buy churros

 

no.1 SI intern @peter-parkour

binch

 

Shuruwui @actualprincess

Wait whomst the fuckest is deadpool

 

rip stan lee @deadpool

me uwu

 

Shuruwui @actualprincess

feckin furry

 

no.1 SI intern @peter-parkour

heckin hypocrite

 

spooder @ActuallySpider-Man

children calm down,, in this house we love and respect furries

 

Shuruwui @actualprincess

wait but the avengers are basically a bunch of furries

 

no.1 SI intern @peter-parkour

shit u rite

 

Shuruwui @actualprincess

T'Challa's fursona is a panther

Sam's fursona is a falcon

Clint's fursona is a hawk

Natasha's fursona is a black widow spider

Spidey's fursona is a spider

 

no.1 SI intern @peter-parkour

Captain America's fursona is America

 

Shuruwui @actualprincess

shit u rite

 

spooder @ActuallySpider-Man

Bucky = white wolf

mr stark's fursona is a tin can

Bruce's fursona is the hulk

Ant-Man and Wasp... I mean obvious

 

rip stan lee @deadpool

you should change your name to The Furvengers

 

spooder @ActuallySpider-Man

that joke was too bad, I am retiring Goodbye

 

rip stan lee @deadpool

Thanos' fursona is a fucking wrinkly grape

 

spooder @ActuallySpider-Man

wait mr loki mentioned thanos, he attacked the Asgardians ship but the Guardians (gardens of the galaxy) showed up and together they smooshed him into mashed grapes so how do u know about him

 

rip stan lee @deadpool

you really don't want to know (i saw the movie, I cried)

 

spooder @ActuallySpider-Man

dp ur doing the meta thing again shut up and eat ur churros before I do

 

-

 

Shuruwui @actualprincess

Ok I'm actually really confused who is deadpool

 

Iron Stank @TonyStark

Wait why are you talking about deadpool?

 

Shuruwui @actualprincess

Spidey is hanging out with him and idk who he is

 

Iron Stank @TonyStark

Spidey is hanging out with deadpool?????

 

Shuruwui @actualprincess

Yeah lol didn't u see his tweets they're eating churros

 

Iron Stank @TonyStark

No I accidentally blew my phone up

 

Iron Stank @TonyStark

WAIT THEYRE GETTING CHURROS

 

Iron Stank @TonyStark

HELL NO @ActuallySpider-Man come to tower rn

 

spooder @ActuallySpider-Man

mr dad!!! he's okay!! he hasn't killed anyone this week, and im very proud of that

 

rip stan lee @deadpool

awwww <3

 

Iron Stank @TonyStark

ARGH

 

totally not scott @gi-ant-man

parenting, am I right?

 

Iron Stank @TonyStark

go away scott

 

totally not scott @gi-ant-man

:(

 

-

 

Shuruwui @actualprincess

I still don't know who deadpool is :(

 

-

 

Hottest superhero rumours! @heroweekly

Trouble in paradise? Peter accuses Spider-Man of cheating on him with Deadpool!

 

Spider-Man sightings @NYspiderman

ok so yall keep asking who deadpool is, I'm linking this very useful article on the superhero wiki (I didn't know there were so many small local superheroes around wtf new york)

 

BuzzFeed @BuzzFeed

Sparkour? Pidey? Speter? We need a ship name! Vote here! Or will Spideypool take the win?

 

 

raiiiinnnnnbooowww @thatsgay

im so confused

 

Ricky Mouseworth @bigfootbeliever

who even is peter?? Is he actually an intern? I know he seems to know the avengers but still ???

 

seen stranger things 3!! @cactushouse

My cousin's boyfriend is a Stark Industries intern, I'll ask him if he knows a peter...

 

Chapter Text

two bros @chillinginahottub

I swear to god I just saw Spider-Man rolling down the sidewalk in fUCKING SPIDER-MAN THEMED HEELYS

 

two bros @chillinginahottub

WY DOES NO ONE BELIEVE ME

 

Allie @transbutterfly

I SAW HIM TOO SJDSHDGDHKJFS I HAVE A VIDEO

[shaky phone camera video of spider-man nyoooooming down the footpath wearing light-up spider-man heelys]

 

Shuruwui @actualprincess

@ActuallySpider-Man IM COMING OVER RIGHT NOW WHY DIDNT U TELL ME YOUD FINALLY GOT THE HEELYS

 

spooder @ActuallySpider-Man

YES PLZ COME I CAN TRY AND GET A BLACK PANTHER CUSTOM PAIR FOR U

 

Shuruwui @actualprincess

IM ON MY WAY

 

Iron Stank @TonyStark

Kid, when you asked for my credit card to buy 'something extremely important' this is not what I had in mind

 

spooder @ActuallySpider-Man

IM SORRY BUT I FOUND THESE ONLINE AND IM BROKE SO

 

spooder @ActuallySpider-Man

wait mr starbch I have an idea for a new alteration to the iron man suit

 

Shuruwui @actualprincess

oh my god yes please tell me it's what I'm thinking

 

spooder @ActuallySpider-Man

what if we put wheels on the shoe heels and then ur suit would have fREAKING HEELYS

 

Iron Stank @TonyStark

No

 

spooder @ActuallySpider-Man

yes

 

Iron Stank @TonyStark

No

 

spooder @ActuallySpider-Man

yes

 

Iron Stank @TonyStark

No

 

spooder @ActuallySpider-Man

pleeeeeaaase

 

Iron Stank @TonyStark

OK FINE

 

-

 

science nerd @greenbeanbruce

Why are Spidey and Tony rolling around the lab in heelys what is happening

 

spooder @ActuallySpider-Man

HEELYS

 

science nerd @greenbeanbruce

I hate this fucking family

 

-

 

Science whiz @gayandeuropean

My bf's cousin asked me if I knew anyone who worked at Stark Industries as an intern and is called Peter.... As far as I know, there isn't anyone, and I've never heard of Tony Stark having a personal intern

 

Science whiz @gayandeuropean

But a friend of mine pointed out that there is this random kid in the tower at weird times. We call him junior, I don't think we have clearance to know his name lmao

 

Science whiz @gayandeuropean

I've seen him with Tony Stark on multiple occasions, and also with a couple of other avengers

 

Science whiz @gayandeuropean

The main theories surrounding him that we've come up with are:

-he's stark's (illegitimate?) son

-he's one of the smaller NY superheroes

-he's actually an intern somehow

-he's a relative of one of the other avengers, or pepper potts

 

Science whiz @gayandeuropean

So yeah, this kid could potentially be peter-parkour, it would make sense. Btw, he's like 14-16 years old?? I'd guess that anyway.

 

Science whiz @gayandeuropean

Also plz don't fire me mr stark or ms potts I really love my job

 

 

Ricky Mouseworth @bigfootbeliever

hmmmm

 

seen stranger things 3!! @cactushouse

I'm thinking that that kid is Peter but.... Whether he is also the other things..... I wonder......

 

raiiiinnnnnbooowww @thatsgay

We thought (and still wonder if) Spidey is stark's son, and now peter... How many children does Tony have???

 

spooder @ActuallySpider-Man

Many

 

spooder @ActuallySpider-Man

I don't know them all but sometimes he mentions these random kids names and im like ???

 

raiiiinnnnnbooowww @thatsgay

SPIDEY WHAT ARE U DOING LOOKING AT THEORIES

 

spooder @ActuallySpider-Man

I'm with Peter and we are laughing

 

seen stranger things 3!! @cactushouse

SKSJKSJSJSJSKKE HES FOUND US NO

 

here and queer @starkstan01

AVENGERS CONSPIRACY FANS HES FOUND US ABORT ABORT

 

-

 

no.1 SI intern @peter-parkour

I got new jeans but they smell like that weird milky tea bad smell and it's in my nose and I can't focus on anything else help

 

BLACK LIVES MATTER @MichelleJones

Did you wash them??

 

no.1 SI intern @peter-parkour

YES

 

BLACK LIVES MATTER @MichelleJones

Wash them again.

 

-

 

spooder @ActuallySpider-Man

babe come over my guardian's out we can watch movie

 

no.1 SI intern @peter-parkour

babe I'm washing my jeans I'll be there soon

 

spooder @ActuallySpider-Man

ugh hurry up or I'll go find deadpool instead

 

no.1 SI intern @peter-parkour

noooooooooooo that binch stealing my boyf

 

spooder @ActuallySpider-Man

hey babe do u think in an alternate reality there's me but a pig called spider-ham

 

no.1 SI intern @peter-parkour

only if he has the voice of john mulaney

 

Shuruwui @actualprincess

what the fuck is going on in here on this day

 

-

 

[9:58pm]

Michelle Jones added Roger Harrington, Ned Leeds, Peter Parker, Abe Brown, Charles Murphey, Cindy Moon, Sally Avril and Flash Thompson to Unnamed Chat

 

Michelle Jones renamed Unnamed Chat to Acadec chat

 

Michelle Jones: I thought I should probably make an acadec gc because.... I don't know. You guys are probably just going to turn this into memes and thirsting.

Michelle Jones: I don't blame you Mr Harrington if you mute this chat and never check it (probably a good idea) but I thought it'd be useful for you to be on it anyway

Michelle Jones: I'm regretting everything already I'm going to go bye

 

[10:00pm] Michelle Jones has gone offline

 

[12:41am] Peter Parker is online

 

Michelle Jones' name has been changed to badass boss lady

Ned Leeds' name has been changed to [hacker voice] I'm in

Cindy Moon's name has been changed to moon moon

Sally Avril's name has been changed to Sal-E

Roger Harrington's name has been changed to Mr Harrington

Charles Murphey's name has been changed to ily bon jovi

Abe Brown's name has been changed to abebabe

Flash Thompson's name has been changed to gotta go fast

Peter Parker's name has been changed to bean

 

[12:46am] bean has gone offline

 

 

[8:11am] gotta go fast is online

 

gotta go fast: what the fuck

 

-

 

spooder @ActuallySpider-Man

I'm in the car with mr stanky and bring me to life came on the radio and I'm just dramatically lip syncing the whole thing and he's looking at me with a very scared expression wAIT MR STAKR KEEP UR EYES ON THE ROAD UR DRIVING

 

spooder @ActuallySpider-Man

oh shit it's a Fancy Pants Smart Car(TM) we okay

 

-

 

no.1 SI intern @peter-parkour

so it's lunch and me and a friendo are arguing about whether mothman could beat other cryptids in a fight

 

no.1 SI intern @peter-parkour

and he was like 'no way, what has he got against bigfoot?' and I said 'mothman would win because ass'

 

no.1 SI intern @peter-parkour

and he just stared at me like '???? you say such cursed things ?????'

 

no.1 SI intern @peter-parkour

so I showed him the mothman statue  and now we are watching buzzfeed unsolved yeet

 

no.1 SI intern @peter-parkour

oh no he has gotten over his shock and countered with 'but Bigfoot has ass too'

 

no.1 SI intern @peter-parkour

im currently googling 'bigfoot ass' brb my search history is so cursed and the FBI agent watching me is probably either confused and scared or agrees that mothman has an ass

 

no.1 SI intern @peter-parkour

quick poll: who has a better ass, mothman or bigfoot??

bigfoot ass mothman ass

vote results:

mothman: 76%

bigfoot: 24%

 

Guy In The Chair @chair-man

goddammit

 

no.1 SI intern @peter-parkour

haha binch >:D

Chapter Text

stove @CaptainAmerican't

Someone please stop Bucky and Sam arguing they're driving me insane and I'm considering jumping out the window

 

stove @CaptainAmerican't

I mean, it won't be the first time I've jumped out of a really tall building but still

 

stove @CaptainAmerican't

It does hurt but I'm very tempted I mean last time I only broke a few ribs

 

fridge magnet @jbbarnes

Ok ok I'll stop

 

fridge magnet @jbbarnes

Wait when the hell did you jump out of a really tall building?? What is this??? When????

 

stove @CaptainAmerican't

Ahaha it was during the whole SHIELD/Hydra thing

 

stove @CaptainAmerican't

R and team had me in an elevator so I knocked them all out and jumped out of the glass side of the building

 

fridge magnet @jbbarnes

OH MY GOD STEVIE YOU CANT JUST GO JUMPING OUT OF BUILDINGS AND PLANES AND SHIT WITHOUT A PARACHUTE YOU CANT JUST GO AND FALL OFF A GODDAMN HELICARRIER YOU CANT GO AND JUMP ON GRENADES AND CRASH PLANES

 

fridge magnet @jbbarnes

ONE OF THESE DAYS YOURE GONNA GIVE ME A FUCKING HEART ATTACK

 

on your above, asshole @falconsam

Oh so that's why he stopped arguing with me and is now pinning Steve against the wall I'm just gonna leave the room

 

 

emilia @teamstucky11

Wait pinning to wall in the angry way or the sex way

 

on your above, asshole @falconsam

I don't fucking know and that's why I'm leaving the room

 

emilia @teamstucky11

KJSFSGFSGKHGVGDDAGYFRFGD OH MY GOD WHAT

 

-

 

Science whiz @gayandeuropean

Ok so I got to work today and that fucking kid, Junior, just walks past the intern lab and winks at me

 

Science whiz @gayandeuropean

Update: he came in oh my god am I fired

 

Science whiz @gayandeuropean

Update: he hasn't mentioned anything about twitter etc

 

Science whiz @gayandeuropean

Omg he's looking at our projects and  he just told Ed how to fix a part of his code that he's been stuck on for weeks

 

Science whiz @gayandeuropean

He's suggesting improvements for most people's projects how smart is this kid??? What???? Who the fuck is he??????

 

Science whiz @gayandeuropean

He just said that his friend is much better than him at coding and hacking etc and he's better at chemicals and engineering and stuff so holy heck he must be good at that then

 

Science whiz @gayandeuropean

Update: I am now more confused than ever but at least my robot has stopped shouting about the end of days

 

-

 

[group chat: Acadec chat]

 

[5:56pm]

[ily bon jovi is online]

 

[[hacker voice] im in is online]

 

ily bon jovi: I'm already sensing that making this was a massive mistake

 

[hacker voice] im in: same

[hacker voice] im in: I don't really are right now tho, im too busy watching the try guys do stupid shit

 

ily bon jovi: oh mood

 

[abebabe is online]

 

abebabe: have yall been on twitter lately

 

ily bon jovi: a bit

ily bon jovi: exams n shit tho

 

[hacker voice] im in: oof yeah

[hacker voice] im in: I've been on there a bit?? Idk

 

[moon moon is online]

[Sal-E is online]

 

Sal-E: do u guys study or are you all geniuses

 

moon moon: they're probs procrastinating

moon moon: idk how u are so good at not procrastinating plz tell us ur secrets Sally

 

Sal-E: I just... get in and do it??

 

abebabe: woah that's some serious badassery

 

ily bon jovi: true

ily bon jovi: I don't think I've ever just got in and done it unless it's like 2am before it's due

 

[bean is online]

 

bean: sup

 

[gotta go fast is online]

 

bean: ew it's the sonic movie

 

gotta go fast: ew it's penis parker

 

[badass boss lady is online]

 

badass boss lady: BOYS

 

bean: sorryyyyy

 

badass boss lady: dw it's mainly him I'm telling off

 

[badass boss lady has gone offline]

 

abebabe: anyway

abebabe: I was gonna ask if you've seen all the Spidey stuff on twitter

 

gotta go fast: yes! I was one of spidey's first followers!

 

ily bon jovi: haha spidey kin

 

gotta go fast: hahaha bon jovi kin

 

abebabe: well then you would have seen @peter-parkour

abebabe: I'm guessing that's you, Peter?? I'm sorry for ever doubting the internship

 

bean: H

 

[bean has gone offline]

 

abebabe: lmao I'll take that as confirmation then?

 

gotta go fast: what??? Parker's internship is obviously a lie gotta go fast: isn't peter-parkour the guy that's apparently dating spiderman?

 

ily bon jovi: wait,,,,,,,

ily bon jovi: PARKER'S DATING SPIDERMAN???????

 

[hacker voice] im in: ahahaha I think they're joking about the dating

[hacker voice] im in: but the internship is real and that's how Peter knows spidey

 

gotta go fast: no no no

gotta go fast: it can't be???

gotta go fast: Stark only accepts college graduates at the very least

gotta go fast: it's a fake account

 

[gotta go fast has gone offline]

 

[hacker voice] im in: shit shit shit shit goddammit flash

 

moon moon: oh shit I just looked up that twitter acct and lmao why wasn't I following it already?! This shit is hilarious

 

Sal-E: I go away for a couple of minutes to get instant noodles and I come back to this...

Sal-E: Peter's a smart kid, I never really doubted the internship

 

[bean is online]

 

bean: aww thanks sally

bean: also shit does anyone get the feeling that flash is about to do something stupid??

bean: whatever, I'm going to bed

 

abebabe: ur at the tower according to your tweets

 

bean: and??

bean: oh yeah I have a room there lmao

 

[bean has gone offline]

 

abebabe: what tHE FUCKK

 

 

Chapter Text

flash @fastestman
Because I've seen you all talking about who peter-parkour is: there's this boy at my school called Peter Parker, who has claimed to be an intern at SI for the last couple of years

flash @fastestman
He's lying, obviously, because he just wants attention. Stark doesn't take interns who aren't at least doing extremely well at college, I've researched it.

flash @fastestman
If peter-parkour is in fact the Peter from my school, don't believe anything he says. I don't know how he's managed to get the avengers to reply to him, but I know for sure he is not an intern. He just wants attention


raiiiinnnnnbooowww @thatsgay
Okay what the hell

cryptid hunter @spacekid111
uhhhhhhhhhhh,,, should we believe this kid? I mean if he's telling the truth it's a pretty big thing, that peter has managed to make it look like he's actually an intern

troye @childofvine
I'm inclined to believe Peter. I think he's 'junior' and that he really is an intern for stark. We have no reason to believe this flash kid

ellie @ellieeeee
I personally think that flash is probably telling the truth. It's highly unlikely that a high school kid is an intern at SI, but still, the account is obviously his because parkour = parker

Guy In The Chair @chair-man
FLASH WHAT THE HELL

cindy @moonmoon
Hi yall, I'm a friend of Peter's and I'm gonna vouch for him. He is, in fact, very smart and also most definitely an intern for Tony Stark. I saw him on FaceTime with Stark once, and holy heck, Peter isn't his biological son but he may as well be.

-

Hottest superhero rumours! @heroweekly
Is @peter-parkour, who claims to know the Avengers, really who he says he is?

Avengers News @avengerswatchUSA
What's the deal with @peter-parkour? Twitter user @fastestman has something to say about him, and fans are divided.

-

[group chat: Acadec chat]

[6:24pm]


abebabe: uh peter
abebabe: I know yall are over on twit freaking out but uh
abebabe: peeeeeeter
abebabe: mr parkour sir
abebabe: YEETER YARKER COME ONLINE U NUMBSKULL

[bean is online]

abebabe: goddamn finallyyyy

moon moon: watch your fucking language, abe, oh my fucking god

ily bon jovi: yeah we don't swear in this fucking house, shit!

badass boss lady: actually maybe you should watch your language mr harrington is in this chat

ily bon jovi: shit

bean: what do u want abe

abebabe: *inhales*
abebabe: YOU HAVE A FUCKING ROOM IN AVENGERS TOWERS STARK INDUSTRIES TONY STARK HOME
abebabe: WHAT THE FUCK

bean: language
bean: fuck I've really got into a habit of saying that

[hacker voice] im in: lmao f

ily bon jovi: f

abebabe: f

moon moon: f

abebabe: wait what are we saying f for

bean: it's kinda an inside joke that got out of hand

abebabe: ??? with who ????

[hacker voice] im in: here we go lol

bean: uh
bean: like
bean: the avengers uh

abebabe: WHAT THE FUCK

ily bon jovi: WHAT THE FUCK

moon moon: nice

Sal-E: haha that's great

abebabe: WHAT?? THE????? FUCK????!???

ily bon jovi: ok so first u know the avengers thru internship working in tower etc then u have a room there now u have inside jokes with the avengers

bean: pretty much

moon moon: haven't u guys been following his twit stark has pretty much adopted him why is this surprising u

abebabe: BECAUSE

[hacker voice] im in: rip abe

bean: oh also cindy
bean: <3 thank

moon moon: yw <3

bean: ok now im actually going to bed I know it's early but I'm dead and we have a test tomorrow byeet

-

Spider-Man sightings @NYspiderman
Spider-Man saves five people from a burning building, tells a reporter that he does know twitter user @peter-parkour, and that Peter is, in fact, an intern for SI

-

[group chat: golden trio but gen z]

[10:58pm]

darth ned:
[screenshot of previous tweet]
darth ned: Peter I thought u were gonna go to sleep
darth ned: goddamn it

-

[group chat: Acadec chat]

[10:01am]

abebabe:
has anyone else seen Peter around today bc he looks like shit
abebabe: I know he's fucking clumsy and all but uh I'm pretty sure those are burns he's bandaged

moon moon: actually yeah
moon moon: Peter u ok??

[hacker voice] im in: he told me about it this morning, said he was in the lab with stark and something exploded
[hacker voice] im in: it's nothing too bad, dw

moon moon: hm
moon moon: I hope it doesn't hurt too much

[badass boss lady is online]

badass boss lady:
yall get off ur phones mr H is looking at u suspiciously
badass boss lady: come on, no one just looks down intently at their crotch

abebabe: shite

[abebabe has gone offline]
[moon moon has gone offline]


-

spooder @ActuallySpider-Man
good morning i vored god

Guy In The Chair @chair-man
n o

spooder @ActuallySpider-Man

you would not believe your eyes

if ten million fireflies

vored up the world as i fell asleep

cuz they vore the open air

and leave vore pics everywhere

you would think me rude but i would just stand and

vore

 

Guy In The Chair @chair-man
I am going to hack twitter and delete that

spooder @ActuallySpider-Man
: ( my vore song




hillywood fan @destielboy
So wait you do know that @peter-parkour is telling the truth?

spooder @ActuallySpider-Man
yeah I mean we've literally interacted on twitter a heap and people think we're dating,,

troye @childofvine
Wait so ur not dating??

spooder @ActuallySpider-Man
I didn't say that ;)

no.1 SI intern @peter-parkour
kindly fuck off sir

spooder @ActuallySpider-Man
no u

no.1 SI intern @peter-parkour
:(

-

Iron Stank @TonyStark
I've been away at a conference for the last day and a half why is everyone tweeting me asking if I know Peter

Iron Stank @TonyStark
Of course I do?? He's my intern???

Iron Stank @TonyStark
I'm so confused why does the internet always have to ask unnecessary questions

no.1 SI intern @peter-parkour
thanks old man

Iron Stank @TonyStark
Uh excuse me? Is that any way to talk to the one who raised you?

no.1 SI intern @peter-parkour
you didn't raise me lmao my aunt did stop fuelling The Son Rumours

Iron Stank @TonyStark
I may not have raised you from a tiny annoying child but I've still raised you from an excitable puppy teenager into an excitable puppy teenager who can co-design an iron man suit

no.1 SI intern @peter-parkour
Eye-

-

[group chat: Acadec chat]

[1:46pm]

[bean is online]

bean:
lmao hi im fine

[abebabe is online]

abebabe:
you literally blew some shit up tho

bean: yeah but it's mostly ok now, it wasn't bad

[moon moon is online]

moon moon:
that's good
moon moon: didn't stark just say he's been away for the last day and a half tho

abebabe: wait wtf yeah uhhh

bean: ahahhaha um

moon moon: e x p o s e d

bean: I was in there without him, I wasn't supposed to be in that particular lab without him
bean: and yet
bean: anyway I screwed up and that’s that (:

[ily bon jovi is online]

ily bon jovi: wild

abebabe: truly

ily bon jovi: hey @everyone I know yall have boring classes rn so

[Sal-E is online]
[[hacker voice] im in
is online]

Sal-E: where's the crisis???

moon moon: no crisis dw
moon moon: in fact I bet I know what he's about to do

ily bon jovi: creeper

moon moon: I was right

ily bon jovi: DAMMIT
ily bon jovi: creeper

Sal-E: aww man

ily bon jovi: so we back in this mine

[hacker voice] im in: got our pick axe swinging

abebabe: from side to side

ily bon jovi: side side to side

bean: side side to side
bean: dammit!!

abebabe: a r g h

bean: creeper

ily bon jovi: aww man

abebabe: so we back in this mine

moon moon: ughh fuck you now I'm gonna have this stuck in my head all day

[moon moon has gone offline]

bean:
:(
bean: creeper

-

no.1 SI intern @peter-parkour
haha imagine if we found out in Area 51 that we were all part of a simulation

rip stan lee @deadpool
or a fanfic lmao

no.1 SI intern @peter-parkour
wait what ??

rip stan lee @deadpool
that meme of the guy peacing out

Chapter Text

mr man man @manmeasand
@ActuallySpider-Man what's ur real name

spooder @ActuallySpider-Man
wouldn't you like to know, weatherboy

mr man man @manmeasand
where are your parents???

spooder @ActuallySpider-Man
dead

-

THOR @THUNDERBOI
GREETINGS MORTALS

no.1 SI intern @peter-parkour
HI MR THOR

THOR @THUNDERBOI
AM I DOING THIS TWITTER CORRECTLY?

no.1 SI intern @peter-parkour
YES YOU ARE, SAY HELLO TO THE INTERNET

THOR @THUNDERBOI
HELLO INTERNET! THE YOUNG STARK HERE SUGGESTED I MAKE AN ACCOUNT ON THIS WONDROUS WEBPAGE. HOWEVER I BELIEVE MY LETTER ARE STUCK ON UPPERCASE.

rip stan lee @deadpool
this is really really overdone but go off I guess

no.1 SI intern @peter-parkour
shut up dp no one asked for your opinion :/

no.1 SI intern @peter-parkour
Thor u press the little arrow button on the keyboard. Also I'm NOT TONYS SON HOW MANY TIMES DO I HAVE TO TELL YOU PEOPLE

THOR @THUNDERBOI
Ah! That's better. Thank you, Starkson.

no.1 SI intern @peter-parkour
ugh

THOR @THUNDERBOI
:-) Barton showed me this face.

no.1 SI intern @peter-parkour
clint what else have u been teaching Thor

COOLEST AVENGER @hawkeyeee
:-))))))))))

THOR @THUNDERBOI
Peter, do you realise that the little arrow can make you have uppercase letters at the start of your sentences? It is very helpful.

no.1 SI intern @peter-parkour
yeah i realise but it's for the Aesthetic B)

THOR @THUNDERBOI
I do not understand, but alright. Does Bruce have Twitter? :-)

no.1 SI intern @peter-parkour
yeah! @greenbeanbruce

science nerd @greenbeanbruce
I was summoned?

science nerd @greenbeanbruce
Oh! Hi Thor! I'm literally on the same couch as you, you could have just asked me...

THOR @THUNDERBOI
Sorry! I am still unused to conversing through this webpage.

science nerd @greenbeanbruce
Nah it's okay don't worry <3

THOR @THUNDERBOI
What does <3 mean?

science nerd @greenbeanbruce
It's a heart

THOR @THUNDERBOI
<3 <3 <3 <3 <3

no.1 SI intern @peter-parkour
ew sappy on main (im kidding im kidding,,,, you two are the sweetest most precious beans and u literally restore my faith in the universe)

-

loki @snekboi
Hello, foolish mortals

THOR @THUNDERBOI
Brother! I see Peter set you up an account too!

science nerd @greenbeanbruce
Oh god

loki @snekboi
Hello there Bruce

science nerd @greenbeanbruce
Go away Loki

loki @snekboi
Nope.

no.1 SI intern @peter-parkour
Mr Lokiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii

loki @snekboi
Peterrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr

no.1 SI intern @peter-parkour
Mr Lokiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii

loki @snekboi
Starksonnnnnnnnnnnnn

no.1 SI intern @peter-parkour
binch

loki @snekboi
no u

no.1 SI intern @peter-parkour
oh my god you actually did educate yourself in meme culture im gonna cry

loki @snekboi
What do you take me for, a peasant?

Iron Stank @TonyStark
Loki Please Do Not Bully My Son Otherwise I Will Call Your Brother And Mr Green Man

loki @snekboi
Fucc u snarky starky

Iron Stank @TonyStark
Oh my god you sound like a teenager I can't deal with this goodbye

no.1 SI intern @peter-parkour
bye Mr dad

loki @snekboi
Technically, if you roughly convert Asgardian age into human age I am a teenager. Thor's friend Jane worked it out years ago. I am 1069 earth years old, which is equivalent to the human age of 17

no.1 SI intern @peter-parkour
hee hee 69 nice

no.1 SI intern @peter-parkour
WAIT Oh my god oh my god what what the fuck what

no.1 SI intern @peter-parkour
LOKI IM A SIMILAR AGE TO U WTF WTF

no.1 SI intern @peter-parkour
WAIT WAIT WAS ALL THE ~STUFF~ JUST YOU GOING THROUGH YOUR REBELLIOUS EMO TEEN PHASE

THOR @THUNDERBOI
Yes.

loki @snekboi
Go away Thor

THOR @THUNDERBOI
:-(

no.1 SI intern @peter-parkour
OH MY GOD,,, WHAT IS LIFE WHAT IS THE UNIVERSE WHAT IS MEANING


Thomas @iamironstan
I do not know how to feel? I do not know what's going on? Help? Anyone else?

rainbooooowwwww @thatsgay
ok what is happening
1. Loki is on twitter?? Battle of New York Loki???????
2. Loki is 1069 years old???????????
3. Loki is 17???????????????????????????

OwO what's this @looooongfurb
@peter-parkour we're so lost blz help

no.1 SI intern @peter-parkour
I am too??? but uh
1. @snekboi is it ok if u explain bc I won't do a good job also idk how much u wanna say
2. yeah Thor's rlly old too hahaha mr old thunder man
3. YEAH LOKI WTF

loki @snekboi
Thankfully, he's dead now (I do not really want to think about what would have happened if we hadn't stopped him before he got to Earth or any of the other places the Stones are) but the mad titan Thanos found me after I fell from Asgard, tortured me and gave me the sceptre, which didn't mind-control me per see, but it influenced me to give into my more... chaotic side. The Chitauri army was all Thanos though.

loki @snekboi
I regret about 90% of what happened in New York. I do regret causing so much damage and killing so many innocent people, but I don't really regret most of what happened with the Avengers, or my brother. (Mainly I don't regret stabbing Thor ehehehe)

loki @snekboi
There's still a part of me that is the God of Mischief or the God of Lies and constantly want to cause chaos and discord, but originally, I was always the God of Stories and that's the side that is usually in control these days

loki @snekboi
Wow, that was... much more than I usually say. I'm going to get off Twitter before I say any more

-

BLACK LIVES MATTER @MichelleJones
lil bit of olive oil in the pan... and we finish with a lil olive oil in the soup, its like a minnestrone..... heat up the olive oil....... i drizzle some olive oil this helps to keep the pasta from sticking to eachother. olive oil, just a touch of olive oil. and we finish with olive oil, gives it that italian finish, olive oil to garnish. we marinade this in olive oil, olive oil

Shuruwui @actualprincess
lil bit of olive oil in the pan... and we finish with a lil olive oil in the soup, its like a minnestrone..... heat up the olive oil....... i drizzle some olive oil this helps to keep the pasta from sticking to eachother. olive oil, just a touch of olive oil. and we finish with olive oil, gives it that italian finish, olive oil to garnish. we marinade this in olive oil, olive oil

cindy @moonmoon
lil bit of olive oil in the pan... and we finish with a lil olive oil in the soup, its like a minnestrone..... heat up the olive oil....... i drizzle some olive oil this helps to keep the pasta from sticking to eachother. olive oil, just a touch of olive oil. and we finish with olive oil, gives it that italian finish, olive oil to garnish. we marinade this in olive oil, olive oil

magic hoe @witchywanda
lil bit of olive oil in the pan... and we finish with a lil olive oil in the soup, its like a minnestrone..... heat up the olive oil....... i drizzle some olive oil this helps to keep the pasta from sticking to eachother. olive oil, just a touch of olive oil. and we finish with olive oil, gives it that italian finish, olive oil to garnish. we marinade this in olive oil, olive oil

cindy @moonmoon
Oh my god oh my god

no.1 SI intern @peter-parkour
lil bit owof owolive owoil in the pan... and we finish with a lil owolive owoil in the sowoup, its like a minnestrowone..... heat up the owolive owoil....... i drizzle sowome owolive owoil this helps towo keep the pasta frowom sticking towo eachowother. owolive owoil, just a towouch owof owolive owoil. and we finish with owolive owoil, gives it that italian finish, owolive owoil towo garnish. we marinade this in owolive owoil, owolive owoil

BLACK LIVES MATTER @MichelleJones
Disowned

no.1 SI intern @peter-parkour
*fortnite dances to the orphanage*

BLACK LIVES MATTER @MichelleJones
Disowned and shot

Shuruwui @actualprincess
It's ok yeeter u can come live in wakanda with me >:(

BLACK LIVES MATTER @MichelleJones
Don't be mad at me, he deserves it

Shuruwui @actualprincess
>:(((((((((((((((

-

[group chat: Acadec chat]
[9:34am]

moon moon:
im gonna cry but like happy cry

[bean is online]
bean:
????

moon moon: scarlet witch also responded to MJ on twitter
moon moon: specifically with a quote from The Lesbian Mother herself
moon moon: scarlet witch is so pretty I'm gonna cry also she was one of my first girl crushes what is happening

Sal-E: askajaksnnsjsksdksj,,

bean: huh, nice

[ily bon jovi is online]
ily bon jovi:
sorry to break the gay but
ily bon jovi: I'm gonna cry like sad cry
ily bon jovi: I can actually hear VSCO girls in the corridor oh my god I can see them there's scrunchies and those necklace things and hydroflasks HELP
ily bon jovi: @abebabe come pick me up im scared

[abebabe is online]
abebabe:
and I oop-
[abebabe has gone offline]
 
ily bon jovi: noooooooooo we've lost him to the dark side D:

bean: f

moon moon: f

Sal-E: f

ily bon jovi: f

moon moon: hey flash hasn't been on this chat since he was an ass on twitter and got roasted lmao
moon moon: @gotta go fast are you avoiding us bc ur embarrassed that actual spidey and tony goddamn stark actually know petey boi

 

[gotta go fast is online]

[gotta go fast has gone offline]

 

moon moon: hahahahahaha

 

ily bon jovi: btw peter like half the school is talking about u today

 

bean: WAIT WHAT NO,,

bean: THEY WERE ACTUALLY ALL LOOKING AT ME I THOUGHT IT WAS JUST THE ANXIETY

bean: FUCK

 

ily bon jovi: what do u mean,, isn’t that a good thing? Ur a cool dude more ppl should recognise that

 

bean: HH

 

Sal-E: peter its ok they’ll stop caring soon enough you know how fast gossip comes and goes at midtown

 

[abebabe is online]

abebabe: wait peter since ur “””fake bf””””” with spidey do u wanna join the spider-thirst chat

abebabe: its too late I already added u

 

moon moon: oh god that place is a hellhole

 

bean: WAIT WHAT SPIDER-THIRST CHAT WHAT IS THIS WHAT-

 

-

 

finally got binder yeehaw @burdenedwithgloriousfandoms

cliffhanger uwu tune in next time to find out what the spider-thirst chat is

 

rip stan lee @deadpool

hey do u wanna get churros with me since my usual churro buddy is at school rn

 

finally got binder yeehaw @burdenedwithgloriousfandoms

I live in Australia dumbass also ive never had a churro in my life uwuwu

 

 

Chapter Text

 

[group chat: spider-thirst central]

[9:42am]
[mmm ass has added Peter Parker to spider-thirst central]
[mmm ass has changed Peter Parker's name to fake bf]

mmm ass: HEY WHATS UP SPIDEY FUCKERS GUESS WHO I ADDED

fake bf: oh god

hug monster: hi Peter I'm so sorry

fake bf: wait who u

hug monster: ,,,,,,,,,Ned

fake bf: im divorcing u

hug monster: u divorce me like once a week

mmm ass: ????

fake bf: everyone used to joke we were married so we started to joke that we were married. It's been going on for years

mmm ass: oh ok

[im straight is online]
im straight: fuck
[im straight has gone offline]

fake bf: who that

hug monster: ,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,Flash

fake bf: OK WHO ELSE IS ON THIS

mmm ass: I'm Abe, obvs
mmm ass: Cindy is mmm arms
mmm ass: Charles is mmm bon Jovi
mmm ass: Sally is scared of heights
mmm ass: MJ is Shut Up
mmm ass: everyone else is just like,, ppl from school and our friends u probably don't know (the Acadec kids are the most active on here tho)

fake bf: why is mj on this??????????????????

mmm ass: good question

Shut Up: I may be a lesbian but Spider-Man is still pretty hot

fake bf: ,,,,??!?????,,???,?,?,?,?,¿?,??,?,?,,,,,,????

hug monster: are u ok did u have a stronk

fake bf: call the bondulance
fake bf: no im ok it's just been a weird day and it's not even 10am yet

mmm ass: it's kinda funny bc Flash is usually the most active on here he's more thirsty than me which is impressive

fake bf: hahjsbsjsj,snsjks,,hajsjahs,,,???¿??

mmm ass: he's """"""""straight""""""""""""

[im straight is online]
im straight: im straight but I'd still let Spidey tie me up in an alley and fuck me until I couldn't stand
[im straight has gone offline]

fake bf: jfjdsfhrrsksssjshwhhwjwjqhhqj,,,,,qjagjahsjbwhsheh3shshbs,,:hsjsnnsjs,,?????????¿?????¿‽?????????¿

hug monster: yeah basically

fake bf: rightio
fake bf: im
fake bf: im in class and I should,,, probably listen
fake bf: bye

mmm ass: lol bye then

-

stove @CaptainAmerican't
Friendly reminder that James Buchanan Barnes is really just a big softie

fridge magnet @jbbarnes
Oh FUCK YOU what did I ever do to you???

stove @CaptainAmerican't
...

fridge magnet @jbbarnes
Ah. Right. But??? They were girl scout and they said they liked my arm?????? They wanted to arm wrestle with me????????? Of course I had to buy all their damn cookies??????????? Stark can afford it I don't give a shit. They were so cute how could you not??

stove @CaptainAmerican't
There are literally cookie packets covering the entire kitchen

fridge magnet @jbbarnes
So?

stove @CaptainAmerican't
How are we going to eat them all??

fridge magnet @jbbarnes
Supersoldier metabolisms, Stevie

-

[group chat: Acadec chat]
[6:44pm]

badass boss lady: HEY LISTEN UP FUCKERS YALL BETTER BE AT THE CLIMATE MARCH TOMORROW OR UR DEAD TO ME

moon moon: yee yee I'll b there

[Sal-E is online]

Sal-E: be there or be square!!!!!1

moon moon: *turns into a literal fucking flesh cube*

ily bon jovi: wait I gotta ask my bro if he's going bc he said he was but im not sure

abebabe: I'll b there too

bean: same

[hacker voice] im in: heel yeah

[gotta go fast is online]

gotta go fast: father wouldn't allow me to go but he's on a business trip
gotta go fast: so.... yeah I'm coming

badass boss lady: Cool. Well, I'll see you guys around. We can organise to meet up at some point but that might be a bit tricky so yeah

-

[group chat: golden trio but gen z]
[7:11pm]

queen mj: hey Peter are you going as Spidey

the chosen one: uhh

queen mj: well you better because that's a great way to get more attention to this
queen mj: also Blease mention it on your twit bc you have so many followers

the chosen one: ok I will
the chosen one: I'll see if I can get Mr Stark to come too

queen mj: holy hell YES

-

spooder @ActuallySpider-Man
HEY KIDS YALL BETTER BE AT THE SCHOOL STRIKE 4 CLIMATE CHANGE I JUST WATCHED A DAVID ATTENBOROUGH DOCO AND I AM READY TO GO FERAL

spooder @ActuallySpider-Man
BRING THOSE SIGNS BRING THOSE MEMES BRING THOSE NO U CARDS

spooder @ActuallySpider-Man
WE CANT VOTE YET BUT WE CAN MAKE OURSELVES KNOWN. WE CAN MAKE OUR OPINIONS KNOWN. WE CAN GET IN THE FACES OF THESE DUMBASS POLITICIANS AND TELL THEM THAT IF WE DONT DO SHIT NOW WE'RE SCREWED. LISTEN TO SIR DAVID ATTENBOROUGH. LISTEN TO GRETA THUNBURG THEYRE BOTH WOKE AF

spooder @ActuallySpider-Man
ITS NOT OUR GENERATIONS FAULT. WE CAN TRY AND FIX IT BUT WE NEED THE PEOPLE IN POWER RIGHT NOW TO LISTEN TO US

spooder @ActuallySpider-Man
ISLANDS COMMUNITIES ARE DROWNING. CORAL REEFS ARE DYING. RAINFORESTS ARE DRYING OUT. AUSTRALIA IS ON FIRE AND SOME PLACES ARE IN LIKE A 5+ YEAR DROUGHT. ENGLANDS SUMMERS ARE GETTING HOTTER AND HOTTER. WINTERS ARE BEING MESSED UP. JAPAN AND CHINA AND INDIA AND ALL THESE PLACES ARE GETTING FLOODS AND TYPHOONS AND SHIT. AMERICA IS GETTING FLOODS AND SNOWSTORMS AND REALLY BAD HURRICANES. THERE ARE COMMUNITIES GOING UNDERWATER EVEN HERE IN THE USA. WE'RE NOT AN EXCEPTION FROM CLIMATE CHANGE

spooder @ActuallySpider-Man
so yeah screw our politicians and skip school on the 20th to come to the marches (unless ur going to area 51, in which case, I salute you my comrades, you absolute madlads) also im tryna get mr stank to come so yeeeeehaw

BLACK LIVES MATTER @MichelleJones
shit u rlly did go feral (thanks)

no.1 SI intern @peter-parkour
yeeeeehawwwwwwwww

spooder-fan @elleart
Hell yeah!! I'll be there ;)

two bros @chillinginahottub
shall b there ;)))))))))

oh no @hhhhhhatman
in England but, yep I'm going

my name is loooong @burdenedwithgloriousfandoms
aussie-land but yeet ;)

rainbowwwwww @thats gay
Fuck yes climate march

Spidey says gay rights @kazoogabriel
proof that Spider-Man is gen z part 512653

no u @urmomgae
proof that Spider-Man is still in school????? Part 26253 ????????

-

American superhero news @AvengersWatch
BREAKING: All the NY based Avengers accompany Spider-Man to climate march. Tony Stark seen talking to representatives from several groups aiming to reduce CO2 levels, rainforest clearing, waste etc
[Photo of all the avengers walking in a group amongst students and workers, chanting along with the crowd. Several hold signs.]
[Photo of Spider-Man climbing a lamp post above a sea of people, a little girl holding a megaphone clinging to his back]
[Photo of Tony Stark listening intently to a speech]

two bros @chillinginahottub
hee hee
[Shakey phone footage of Spider-Man joining in the chant of 'EAT THE RICH EAT EAT THE RICH' and laughing at Tony Stark's confused face]

spooder @ActuallySpider-Man
[Video taken from high above a sea of people chanting 'THE SEAS ARE RISING NO MORE COMPROMISING']

spooder @ActuallySpider-Man
[Video of Spider-Man walking amongst the avengers in the march. Tony does the peace sign at the camera. Clint does the finger. Nat slaps him. Steve and Bucky walk side by side, sharing a piece of cardboard between them that says 'I DIDNT COME OUT OF THE ICE FOR THIS SHIT'.]

spooder @ActuallySpider-Man
saw some great signs
[A girl holding up a massive no u card]
[Two girls with signs that say 'The planet's on f**king fire ~ Bill Nye' and 'I am the Lorax, I speak for the trees, and the trees say fuck you']
[A teen holding a sign saying 'what if we cut down all our forests and pumped poisonous gas into the air? Jk jk... Unless' (the unless is the unless thing from the Lorax)]
[Someone holding a piece of card that says 'The earth is getting hotter than Tom Holland']
[The this is fine meme but with the dog labelled as 'our governments']
[Lots more Lorax signs]
[A piece of cardboard with the words 'climate change is McFuck'd' painted on it]
[A woman with 'can we get an F in the chat' painted on her back]
[A bunch of girls holding a sign saying 'sksksksk save the turtles']
[The meme that's Elmo with fire in the background]

spooder @ActuallySpider-Man
today has been fuckin wiiiild. climate march hell yeah, people actually showing up at area 51 (spoilers Tony Stark actually partially owns it and it's full of Chitauri bodies n shit from the battle of NY bc they don't decompose normally - don't come at me he gave me his permission to say that), and new buzzfeed unsolved!!!! (Sorry guys for spoilering what's mainly in there also Ryan stop touching ur nips (please))

spooder @ActuallySpider-Man
good on u to everyone who skipped school and went to the march. also high five to that Naruto runner ur educating the masses. Oh and remember: eat the rich

E @starkslut
sure ;)

totally not scott @gi-ant-man
No that's Vore

spooder @ActuallySpider-Man
SCOTT WHY DO U KNOW WHAT VORE IS

totally not scott @gi-ant-man
;)))))))))))

spooder @ActuallySpider-Man
No do Not

totally not scott @gi-ant-man
;)))))))))))))))))))))

Iron Stank @TonyStark
I'm scared

COOLEST AVENGER @hawkeyeee
You should be

-

[group chat: spider-thirst central]
[11:26pm]

[im straight is online]
im straight: ok im straight but DID U SEE SPIDEYS ASS WHEN HE WAS UP ON THAT LAMP POST

 

Chapter Text

no.1 SI intern @peter-parkour
yall I had to explain to Mr Stark what vore is

no.1 SI intern @peter-parkour
he is not pleased

Shuruwui @actualprincess
oof that's a lot to swallow

Shuruwui @actualprincess
he just needs time to digest the information

Iron Stank @TonyStark
S T O P

Shuruwui @actualprincess
I don't think I could stomach the thought

Iron Stank @TonyStark
I can't right now. I don't think I'm ready to accept this exists.

Shuruwui @actualprincess
you might have bitten off more than you can chew, snarky starky

Iron Stank @TonyStark
N o

no.1 SI intern @peter-parkour
rip in pieces

no.1 SI intern @peter-parkour
@actualprincess that was lit

Shuruwui @actualprincess
thanks, when it comes to puns, I eat up the competition

Shuruwui @actualprincess
I hope my puns won't be vorebidden

Shuruwui @actualprincess
voregive me

 

-

 

[group chat: spider-thirst central]
[9:31am]

[mmm ass is online]
mmm ass: flash what the fuck

[im straight is online]
[im straight has gone offline]

mmm ass: a wild denial-sexual in its natural habitat
mmm ass: ....... can someone make a denial pride flag

[scared of heights is online]
scared of heights: give me a minute

mmm ass: k

scared of heights: ok here we go
scared of heights:

:pensiveclown:

-



THOR @THUNDERBOI
Loki stabbed me today! It is just like good old times, is it not, brother?

loki @snekboi
not really but Go Off I Guess

Mm thicc @asgardian-assgardian
Excuse Me But What The Fuck

THOR @THUNDERBOI
The spider child told me to post "relatable content" in order to connect with Twitter. This is "relatable content", yes?

Mm thicc @asgardian-assgardian
uH no Not Exactly,,,,,?,????,?,,,,?

science nerd @greenbeanbruce
You're okay without stitches with this one, right Thor? I'm in the lab if you need.

loki @snekboi
it's not THAT deep

THOR @THUNDERBOI
It does not require stitches, Bruce. But I may come down to your lab anyway, once I find my box of poptarts.

loki @snekboi
ew sappy

COOLEST AVENGER @hawkeyeee
...fuck,,,, those were your poptarts???,,,,


-


spooder @ActuallySpider-Man
mr stark is cool and all but he'll never be as cool as Joe

Iron Stank @TonyStark
Who the hell is Joe???

spooder @ActuallySpider-Man
jOE MAMA

-



not lincoln @abebabe
ok im in class and we have a substitute teacher and this random kid just made a villager noise

not lincoln @abebabe
update: the whole class is making villager noises. the teacher is confused as fuck. no one knows what is going on anymore all we know is that we must make villager noises

not lincoln @abebabe
update 2: a teacher came in from next door's class to see what all the noise was. she's young. she is a Known Gaymer. she knows. she knows. she knows-

not lincoln @abebabe
update 3: she managed to get us to shut up we're now learning about advertising or something

not lincoln @abebabe
update 4: the substitute mentioned YouTube and the same kid suddenly woke up and yelled PEWDIEPIE at the top of his lungs. the class has dissolved into chaos again

cindy @moonmoon
wack


-


[group chat: Acadec chat]
[4:11pm]

[bean is online]
bean: ehdhhsgsgssgjsisiddjhd ,.ssj a. Khshsgsgsggwgshsjsidhdhdhh jhgahaha
bean: hejgesgsg
bean: h h the
bean: I djont kn ow whic h chattj thws is b cna smone plsn gt mr atrk

[abebabe is online]
abebabe: ???? Peter what's happening??

bean: im
[bean has gone offline]

[moon moon is online]
[Sal-E is online]

moon moon: what??
moon moon: please do what?????
moon moon: Peter what the fuck is happening

[[hacker voice] im in is online]
[hacker voice] im in: PETER WHAT
[hacker voice] im in: OK OK OKJ IM GONNA CALL MR STARK I HOPE THATS WHAT U WANT BLZ DONT B MAD AND PLEAS DONT HAVE GOTTEN STABBED PLEASE

moon moon: what the fuck

Sal-E: what is going on?????

abebabe: ???????????????????????

[hacker voice] im in: mr stark answered he's gonna find Peter we don't know what's happening
[hacker voice] im in: im shaking I can't breathe I don't know what to do

abebabe: Ned it'll be ok just. Breathe. Focus on something and breathe deeply. It's going to be fine
abebabe: do u want me to come to ur place I vaguely know where it is it's not far

abebabe: Ned
abebabe: are you doing alright you haven't replied in a bit no pressure I'm just worried

[hacker voice] im in: no im ok now it's fine thank u so much tho

abebabe: it's fine dw are you sure you're ok?

[hacker voice] im in: yes yes I'm sure
[hacker voice] im in: thank you

abebabe: ok good

Sal-E: oh my god
Sal-E: oh my god guys I think I know what happened to Peter what the fuck what the fuck

Chapter Text

rip fortnite lmao @QueensKiddo

OH MY GOD IM ON MY WAY HOME FROM SCHOOL AND THIS GUY JUST JUMPED IN FRONT OF A CAR TO SAVE A KID WHAT THE FUCK IM SHAKING I DON’T KNOW WHATS HAPPENING

 

rip fortnite lmao @QueensKiddo

HES ALIVE HOLY FUCK AND HE CAN MOVE HES TRYING TO GET AWAY?? I DON’T KNOW I DON’T KNOW

 

rip fortnite lmao @QueensKiddo

OK SOMEONE CALLED AN AMBULANCE THEY TOOK HIM AND THE POLICE ARE AT THE SCENE AND WHAT THE FUCK WHAT

 

rip fortnite lmao @QueensKiddo

IRON MAN JUST SHOWED UP WHAT

 

rip fortnite lmao @QueensKiddo

HES ASKING AFTER THE GUY

 

rip fortnite lmao @QueensKiddo

WHAT IS HAPPENING

 

-

 

Up-To-Date NY News @NYCnews

BREAKING

In horrific scenes in Queens this afternoon, a teen saved a young boy from a speeding car, throwing himself in front of the child and shoving him out of the way just in time. Witnesses watched in shock as the teen managed to drag himself away from the scene, critically injured but somehow alive, getting into an alleyway before losing consciousness. Luckily, an ambulance was already nearby and he was rushed to hospital as soon as possible.

Perhaps almost as perplexing as the teen’s behaviour was the arrival of a seemingly distressed Tony Stark, in full Iron Man gear, on the scene several minutes after the ambulance had left. Follow this account for more information as it becomes available to the public.

 

American superhero news @AvengersWatch

Iron Man shows up on scene of New York near miss [link to article], seemingly agitated and allegedly asking after the teenager involved. Some are already theorising that the teen could be the intern, @peter-parkour, or even an un-costumed Spider-Man.

 

NYPD @NYPD

Assistance with identifying individuals involved in an accident in Queens this afternoon wanted – at least two people speeding in a stolen white Audi who fled after hitting a teen who saved a young boy.

[blurred images from speed cameras and CCTV cameras of the car and two people]

 

BREAKING NEWS @news.com

Witness the horrifying moment a teen leaps in front of a car to save a young boy from a speeding car. WARNING: EXTREMELY DISTRESSING FOOTAGE (moment of impact cut)

 

-

 

There’s been rain, and the sidewalks reflect the pale grey of the sky. Peter watches as his favourite pair of red converse (nicely Spider-Man coloured) splash through the puddles, and vaguely wonders whether he can get his chem homework finished before he heads out on patrol that night. He has earphones in, and some song is playing that he’d heard on the radio a few days ago in the car with Happy and hadn’t been able to get out of his head since.

 

I had a think about my oldest friends

Now, I no longer hang with them

And I can't wait to be home again

I had a year that nearly sent me off the edge

I feel like a five, I can't pretend

But if I get my shit together this year

Maybe I'll be a ten

 

It’s not a bad song, he thinks. Very relatable. It’s not annoying yet, at lea-

Peter’s spidey sense goes off. Very strongly. He rips his earphones out and freezes. People push past him, grumbling, but right now he doesn’t care.

There’s no one looking suspicious. Nothing directly around him that looks particularly dangerous. Nothing he can see just yet that could have set it off. Nothing-

And then he sees the kid. And the car.

He sees the car, hurtling at way too high a speed towards a young boy crossing the road with his mom. The woman is out of harm’s way, but the boy-

 

Peter doesn’t think about it. He just leaps forward, focusing on the kid, who’s turning, wide eyed, to see the car, and shoves him as hard as he can. He can see the mother, her mouth open in a scream, moving forward in horrifying slow motion.

The car collides with him and suddenly the sky is underneath him and everything’s blurry red and he’s flying and then falling and there’s the black of the road beneath him and he can’t breathe and-

His ears are ringing, and everything else is muted, almost as if he’s underwater. Somehow, his phone is still in his hand, solid amongst all the tipping and turning of the world around him.

Get out of here get out get out-

He doesn’t have his suit or webshooters. He can’t move, he can’t-

He can move. He can get out of here. He needs to. Someone could find out that he’s Spider-Man. Someone could take a picture of him, someone could- he can’t- he can’t- he can- he’s- he’s – he’s in an alleyway. He’s crawled. The phone is still in his hand.

His fingers are bloody- blood blood why is there blood- what happened- how is he here- but the phone somehow recognises his fingerprint anyway, thank god, and there’s some chat open already, and he tries to type a message – I don’t know which chat this is please get Mr Stark – please please – where am I – what did I do – why don’t I have the suit – and then it falls from his hand, into the concrete, and he can’t – he can’t fight it. He’s so tired. Everything – everything hurts. The world is going white around him. The sky is falling and blurring everything. He can’t, he can’t- Please, Mr Stark. Please.

 

-

 

Tony’s in a waiting room.

The walls are white. The chairs are hard. The floor is squeaky and everything smells sickeningly like antiseptic.

The kid is here, somewhere. Peter. And he’s not with him. He’s not holding his hand, sitting next to him, brushing his hair off his forehead, comforting him. He doesn’t even really know what’s happened to him.

 

He could see the accident scene from the air. A chaotic mess of shell-shocked people, tire skid marks staining the road, police cars pulled over on the sides, a mother crying and cradling her young child in her arms.

And blood. A lot of it. On the road, trailing across onto the sidewalk and into an alleyway.

He lands, almost falling with the force of it, and almost grabs the closest citizen by the collar. He turns and grabs a policeman instead.

 

‘Where is he?’

 

‘What- wh- who?’

 

‘A teenager? Brown hair, about this high, probably wearing red converse shoes?’

 

‘Uh, I… um-’

 

Someone speaks up from behind him. It’s the mother, her face pale and her makeup smudged down her cheeks. ‘That’s- that’s him. The boy. He- he saved my son. He-’

 

‘Where is he?’

 

‘They put him in an ambulance, about- about… three minutes ago?’

 

An ambulance. Peter. Blood.

 

He doesn’t thank her, or ask for more. He heads towards the nearest hospital.

‘FRIDAY, alert Helen Cho. I don’t- I don’t know-’

‘Done, Sir.’

 

 

‘Mr Stark?’

 

Tony glances up. A nurse is standing over him, an iPad in her hands. He stands. ‘Have you found him? Is he okay? Oh god, is he alive? What-’

 

‘Woah, calm down.’ She says, and her voice is soothing but no. He’s not going to calm down. He’s- ‘We have someone matching your description of Peter. Kind of.’

 

‘You- you do? Oh thank god, oh-’

 

‘The person… has been in surgery for hours, which is why I couldn’t confirm whether it was the one you’re looking for or not.’

 

‘Is he…?’

 

‘Alright. Well, critically injured, but alive. Somehow.’

 

‘Oh my god, oh my god, I… thank you.’

 

‘I’ll take you in so you can confirm the identity. I’m just warning you – the injuries are pretty bad.’

 

‘I’ve seen plenty of bad.’

 

She rubs her eyes tiredly. ‘Right. Follow me.’

 

The nurse leads him down a maze of corridors, all with the same white walls and antiseptic smell, until Tony think he’d never be able to navigate his way out of here. It’s almost as if its supposed to confuse him, to make sure he can’t get out, to-

The nurse has stopped in front of a door, and is murmuring something to a shocked-looking doctor who’s staring at him. Ah. The perks of being famous. The doctor must be okay with what the nurse says, because she lets them both past.

 

And Peter is lying on the bed. As still and pale as death. His skin is as white as the bleached sheets and the thin hospital gown and the bandages. There’s so many wires, so many tubes, most of which he has no idea what are for… and he’s not sure he wants to know. A steady beeping runs through his mind and breaks the stiff silence of the room.

 

He’s alive.

 

‘It’s him. It’s Peter.’

 

And Tony breathes. Steadily. Just like Pepper makes him when he’s panicking. In and out and in and out and in and out-

 

He falls into the chair beside the bed, staring at Peter’s bruised face.

 

‘Do you know exactly what happened?’

 

The nurse sighs before replying. ‘Pretty much. We got reports from witnesses on the scene. Do you want to know?’

 

‘Of course.’ He glances up at her. ‘Of course I do.’

 

‘Well- uh… Peter must have been walking and saw what was about to happen and did the only thing… uh- he could. He’s a hero.’

 

‘What did he do?’

 

‘He- he jumped in front of a speeding car to save a child. The car didn’t stop. He shoved the child out of the way, was hit at high speed and thrown over the top of the vehicle. He then, somehow still conscious, dragged himself into an alleyway and possibly sent a message on his phone before finally losing consciousness.’

 

‘Jesus. Fuck. Oh, Peter, you sacrificial idiot.’

 

‘How did you know to look for him?’

 

‘Uh- he messaged a friend a barely-readable message and the friend called me, freaking out.’

 

‘Oh. Okay.’

 

‘What happens now? Does he need more surgery or anything?’

 

‘That’s still to be determined. He seems remarkably uninjured for the incident, although those he has sustained are pretty severe.’

 

‘Right. Okay. I have a doctor on the way, if he needs more. She’s fixed him up before, but nothing quite this bad. Uh. He wouldn’t be able to be moved elsewhere, would he?’

 

‘Not just yet, I’d say. Once your doctor arrives, you can discuss options with our staff.’

 

‘Right. Okay. Okay. Can- can I see his file or whatever, to send to her?’

 

‘That can be arranged.’ She hands him her iPad, looking a little overwhelmed.

 

The injuries listed are… a lot, to say the least. He’s not a medical professional at all. Cho, and to a lesser extent, Bruce are, however, so he gets FRIDAY to copy the file and send it to both of them with a small explanation of what’s happened.

 

His eyes wander over the information he’ll have to fill out for the hospital – his name, his date of birth, his emergency contacts-

 

‘Wait.’ He glances back up at the nurse. ‘Why- why is he listed as female?’

 

She looks incredibly uncomfortable. ‘H- he’s biologically female. Surely you know that?’

 

‘Oh. Fuck. Right. He is- but he’s not. Not female, I mean. He’s a boy. He-’

 

‘He’s trans?’ She says, shifting from foot to foot nervously. ‘I wondered. My nephew is. He’s about the same age, I think.’

 

‘Change it. Please.’ He hands the iPad back.

 

‘I’ll see what I can do.’

 

‘God. I need to talk to Pepper about funding a program or something. Fuck.’ He’s talking more to himself than to the nurse, but her eyes go wide and she looks shocked.

 

‘That- that would be. Wow. Okay. My nephew would be so happy…’ She trails off, clutching the iPad. ‘Mr Stark, you’re allowed to stay here as long as you want. I’ll notify the doctor about your doctor arriving.’

 

‘Thank you.’ She leaves and he sighs. He knows he’s getting special treatment because he’s well… rich and also Iron Man. He’s incredibly thankful for it for once.

 

Tony looks back to the boy lying motionless on the bed, the only indications of life the slow rise and fall of his chest and the steady beeping of the machines.

 

-

 

succcccccc @succulentchild

OK WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED BUT YEP TWO MAIN THEORIES FOR YALL KIDDOS

  1. the teen was peter-parkour
  2. the teen was spiderman

 

yeehaw hour @ratheroddemily

personally im leaning towards the spiderman theory because what the hell, he was still conscious and able to drag himself into an alleyway

 

raaaaiiiinbowwwww @thatsgay

yeah also I know when u get hit by a car ur probably not thinking straight but. why would he try and get away? Unless,,, hes trying to protect his secret identity………….

 

two bros @chillinginahottub

I think it was probably Peter. Spiderman would’ve shot webs to stop the car, and then swung away to protect his secret identity

yeehaw hour @ratheroddemily

you make a good point but what if he didn’t have his webshooters?

 

two bros @chillinginahottub

H m  well I assume we’ll find out soon-ish enough. Hopefully. Poor guy I hope hes ok

 

-

 

[DM: Tony Stark > Ned Leeds]

[2:04pm]

 

Tony Stark: Hi. If it’s possible, could you reply to the tweet I’m about to tweet but from Peter’s spidey account? I assume he’s given you access to it, or that you can get it. I just want people to stop theorising that peter is spidey, because if he wakes up and the whole thing is out it won’t be good

 

Ned Leeds: Hi!!! Yeah sure I can do that how is he??

 

Tony Stark: No different really to when I called you last night. He’ll be okay though.

 

Ned Leeds: aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhh thank u

 

Tony Stark: No, thank you. For calling me in time

 

-

 

Iron Stank @TonyStark

Ok I’ve decided to address the rumours before they get out of hand. Listen up everyone.

 

Iron Stank @TonyStark

The teen in the accident in Queens is Peter Parker, my intern. He’s alive but still in hospital with pretty critical injuries. He will recover, though.

 

Iron Stank @TonyStark

I’m so damn proud of him but he’s a self-sacrificial dumbass and aaaaahh. Just. Please. Don’t bother him about it if you see him or even just online. I’ll keep you all updated, but don’t push, okay? He needs time to heal.

 

Iron Stank @TonyStark

Thank you so much for all your support, and if there’s any witnesses from the scene, or the mother and child involved, feel free to DM me about it. I’ve got people assisting the police in finding the people driving the stolen car.

 

-

 

spooder @ActuallySpider-Man

usually it’s me getting critically injured… peter will be okay. He’s a dumbass but he’s tough.

Chapter Text

 

 

Tony awakens to a hand resting lightly on his back. There’s weak rays of sunlight streaming through the blinds on the window. Morning. Early morning.

He’s in the hospital.

Peter is injured.

 

Peter’s still motionless in the bed beside his chair. So who-

 

‘Tony.’ A voice murmurs. ‘Oh, Tony.’

 

‘May?’ He glances up. She’s standing beside him, her hair and makeup a mess, still wearing her nurse’s scrubs.

She gives him a soft smile. There’s tear tracks down her cheeks. There probably are down his too. For once, he doesn’t care.

 

‘I’ve been in and out the last few hours. You’ve been asleep. He’s going to be okay.’

And Tony sees the same kindness, the same careful patience and glimmering hope in her face that he sees in Peter’s.

 

‘He’s going to be okay.’ He repeats. ‘He is.’

 

She smiles, just a small, tired but happy smile, and Tony stands, pulling her in for a desperate hug.

 

-

 

[group chat: Acadec chat]
[3:22 pm]

 

[[hacker voice] im in has added Tony Stark to Acadec chat]

[hacker voice] im in: @everyone hey

 

moon moon: kjsdjgskjfddsgdkfj aaaaaa

 

baddass boss lady: mr stark

 

Tony Stark: …MJ?

 

badass boss lady: yeah

badass boss lady: how’s peter?

 

Tony Stark: he’s doing ok, for the severity of the injuries and the accident especially

Tony Stark: he won’t have any lasting injuries once he’s all healed up

 

badass boss lady: oh thank god

 

[ily bon jovi is online]

ily bon jovi: holy fuck is that tony stark

 

Tony Stark: yeah hi

 

ily bon jovi: fUCK

ily bon jovi: hi you’re really cool

ily bon jovi: not as cool as bon jovi but

 

Tony Stark: that sounds like very high praise, thank you I guess?

Tony Stark: anyway. I thought I’d tell you all that yeah, Peter will be okay. He’ll be back at school before you know it, and you better watch out for him then. I’ll keep you updated through Ned though.

 

Sal-E: holy fuck I’m so glad he’s okay

 

moon moon: me too. I think between us all we have at least one person in each of his classes, I’ll organise note-taking for him

 

Tony Stark: that would be amazing, thank you

Tony Stark: I have to go now, but if you need to contact me ask Ned

 

[Tony Stark has left Acadec chat]

 

abebabe: holy heck

 

-

 

rip fortnite lmao @QueensKiddo

holy fuck so that was the stark intern kid okay rightio

 

stan stan stan @taylor4323

what did he look like????????

 

rip fortnite lmao @QueensKiddo

I literally saw him get hit by a speeding car I’m not answering that

 

succcccccc @succulentchild

thank gosh theres some good people on this godforsaken site

 

-

 

NYPD @NYPD

Thanks to the assistance of the public and several members of the New York based Avengers team, the perpetrators of a car theft and an accident in Queens involving a teen have been tracked down and brought to justice. Their identities will be released in the coming days.

 

-

 

ya boi @burdenedwithgloriousfandoms

I can see why chuck went off the rails, being the god of a universe is fun :))))))))))

 

rip stan lee @deadpool

h m every day I get more and more scared of you

 

ya boi @burdenedwithgloriousfandoms

good.

 

The stan lee @god

Don’t hurt Peter too much. I gave you this little universe, please care for it.

 

ya boi @burdenedwithgloriousfandoms

hajskgkjdsgkjgfksdgfdjgskjdfd  hi I will

 

The stan lee @god

Hello.

 

ya boi @burdenedwithgloriousfandoms

thank u but also – u have No Idea how much angst I can dream up. this is nothing

 

The stan lee @god

Well then, I’m out of here. For now. Take care.

 

ya boi @burdenedwithgloriousfandoms

bye mr stan lee!!!!!! and thank u so much <3

 

rip stan lee @deadpool

what just happened

 

Chapter Text

Give myself a little credit

Since I dealt with all the pain

Yeah, I turned superhero

I'm comin' in Bruce Wayne

 

There’s warm sunlight on his face. A tiny breeze. The murmur of traffic and street noise.

 

Yeah, I did it again, I did it again (yeah, I did it again)

But this time I took control

And turned my shit 'round

Sometimes you gotta cut a bitch out

I'm livin' again, yeah, I'm livin', I'm livin' again (I, uh-oh, yeah)

Yeah, whoa, yeah

 

Peter cracks his eyes open. His body feels achy, like it usually does after a patrol, but a bit worse. There’s a small black radio sitting on a table across the room, next to a vase of flowers.

The song is incredibly familiar – red converse splashing through puddles, earphone cord white against his darker hoodie, a car hurtling towards him, and he’s flying –

 

Now, I'm safe and sound where I belong

It took all my strength to carry on

And though it's still hard work to find the words

I'm still gonna write this fuckin' song

'Cause, after all, I guess it all depends upon

The people you choose and where you're from

 

He sits up. His whole body protests, but he ignores it. He’s in a hospital, a hospital

He can’t be here. They’ll find out that he’s Spider-Man, that he has healing powers, and they’ll experiment on him, they’ll sell the information to someone who can use it against him, they’ll… they’ll…

Breathe. You can’t figure a way out if you’re on the edge of a panic attack.

Peter breathes, and looks around properly. There’s a chair beside his bed, and various medical thingies behind that must have been monitoring him at some point in time. Now there’s only a couple of things attached to him, and he rips them off and pulls them out, gritting his teeth against the pain. The place where the drip had been in his hand starts bleeding. He blots it on the sheets and tries to ignore it.

He seems to be able to move well enough, so if he’d broken any major bones – he’s flying, flying over the car, and there’s red, and everything is blurred – then they must have pretty much healed already. At least his healing factor is still working, but that would mean that the hospital would know about it…

The heartbeat beepy thing starts flat-lining and beeping louder and angrier at him. He doesn’t have much time to get out of here before someone comes in, it’s time to move, go, go, go –

Peter swings his legs over the side of the bed, and cautiously touches them down on the floor. He seems steady enough, so he slides the rest of his body off the bed, and grips the table to keep himself upright.

Okay. He can do this.

The hospital gown is light and breezy against his skin, but he can still feel the bruising and it aches even worse as he moves his body into the right position to take a step, and another, and another, and then he’s opening the door, and he’s out, he’s out –

As soon as he’s around the corner, in another corridor that looks exactly the same as his – how the hell do people figure out where to go in here – he starts hearing yells and heavy footsteps. Heading to his room.

Get out get out get out, you need to run, get out –

He runs. Not very fast, or gracefully, and he may hit a few walls on the way, but he runs. He doesn’t see anyone on the way. The corridors he passes through are echoingly empty, white walls and white floors and the horrible smell of antiseptic all blurring together. He can’t breathe. His body aches, aches so bad, and it’s just getting worse and worse, but still, he runs.

Turning a corner, he slips on the floor, grabbing the wall to stop himself from falling, and pushes off it –

His spidey sense goes off.

He thumps right into someone’s chest.

Get out get out get out get out get out run run run run run –

He scrambles, tries to get away, but the person has grabbed him tight, strong arms wrapping around him, pulling him in, holding him. And they’re familiar. The gentle strength, the signature smell, the…

All the fight goes out of Peter. And he lets himself collapse into Tony’s arms.

 

-

 

BLACK LIVES MATTER @MichelleJones

hey you know whats a good (gay) and also very serious on the issues facing today’s teens??? Euphoria. It’s so good. Watch it. Please. (unless you’re like,, under 16/17 or just especially innocent. Then please DON’T watch it you child)

 

cindy @moonmoon

wait I just looked up the trailer and what the fuck who’s this Zendaya and why does she look almost exactly like you?????????? do you have a secret actress alter ego???????? What???

 

BLACK LIVES MATTER @MichelleJones

no lmao Zendaya is my older cousin actually she’s really fuckin cool I love her so much B)

 

Zendaya @Zendaya

Ayyyyyyy B)

 

BLACK LIVES MATTER @MichelleJones

Ayyyyyyyyyyyy B)

 

-

 

[DM: Tony Stark -> May Parker]

 

Tony: Hey so I know you’re busy at work right now but he woke up

Tony: aaaaaaaaaaand escaped his room and almost got to the lifts before I grabbed him and he passed out

Tony: he’s okay don’t worry but Helen and the nurse said he should be waking up more often over the next few days but he might not stay awake for too long for a bit and tho hes healing very well especially for it only being a few days ago which I guess is expected but he’ll still be here for a little bit and I just really hope he didn’t set it back any longer with trying to escape but really I shouldntve have left him I just went to get a coffee and when I got back the staff were freaking the hell out and I dropped it and ran to try and find him

Tony: …you can probably tell I’m kind of freaking out but don’t worry its all okay I just wanted to let you know so you’d see this when you finished work

Tony: if you want to come by the room I’ll be there

 

-

 

The radio has been turned off. There’s the smell of coffee, and antiseptic, and some flowers that make his nose tickle.

Peter opens his eyes.

It’s night.

The blinds are drawn but the gaps in them are dark (or as dark as it gets in the city anyway). He can hear the steady thrum of New York traffic outside and the movement around the rest of the hospital building.

Mr Stark is slumped in the chair beside his bed, asleep, his eyes closed and his mouth open. He’s making little snuffling snores, and Peter wishes he had his phone right now so he could video it for blackmail.

He shuffles around in the bed until he’s comfortable again, and looks around. It’s amazing how different the hospital room feels now, just with Tony’s presence. There’s still an edge of uneasiness on Peter’s mind, but overall he’s so much calmer and much less wary. It fells kinda nice. Safe.

Peter looks back around at Tony, pulls the blanket up to his chin and closes his eyes with a slight smile.

 

He’s gonna be okay.

 

-

 

no.1 SI intern @peter-parkour

i lived bitch

[a selfie of peter huddled up under a soft blanket on the hospital bed, sunlight on his face, and doing a peace sign at the camera. he's got a small, tired but glad smile on his face and in his eyes, despite the bruises and mostly-healed cuts on his face]

 

 

succcccccc @succulentchild

oh my god hes absolutely adorable how have we not been blessed with this face before now??? my protecc instincts are through the roof. I love this smol boi so much already

 

two bros @chillinginahottub

OH NO IM GAY NOW

 

joe @mamaaajustkilledaman

sjkafdksjgfkjagkfja awwwwwwwwwwwwwww

 

rip fortnite lmao @QueensKiddo

holy shit im so glad you’re doing ok!!

 

-

 

no.1 SI intern @peter-parkour

wAIT WHAT THE FUCK

 

no.1 SI intern @peter-parkour

OK SO UR TELLING ME THAT WHILE I WAS UNCONCIOUS I MISSED

  1. MCR COMING BACK?? HOLY SHIT IM UP IM OUT OF THIS HOSPITAL I MIGHT NOT BE ABLE TO WALK TOO WELL YET BUT IM WALKING OUT OF HERE TO GO JOIN THE BLACK PARADE
  2. NOOOOO. IVE BEEN WAITING FOR HALLOWEEN SINCE NOV 1ST LAST YEAR WHAT THE HELL
  3. the shane x jeffree pallet broke the internet. of course it did what do u expect. congrats guys

 

spooder @ActuallySpider-Man

lmao rip

 

no.1 SI intern @peter-parkour

im not oooookaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaayyyyyyy im not okaaayyyyyyy

 

spooder @ActuallySpider-Man

go cry emo kid 

 

no.1 SI intern @peter-parkour

will do

 

-

 

conspiracies galore @thonkfacemcgee

ok but has anyone heard of spidey being out and about while peter’s been in hospital???? hmmmmmmmmmmmmm??? hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm???????

 

spooder @ActuallySpider-Man

lol no im on holidays temporarily with a family member, @hawkeyeee is doing Queens etc duty for now

 

COOLEST AVENGER @ hawkeyeee

Hell yeah I am, keep an eye out I might have some high fives and lollipops for the kids ;)

 

spooder @ActuallySpider-Man

clint that kinda sounds creepy

 

COOLEST AVENGER @ hawkeyeee

Oh my god no I didn’t mean it to be. STRANGER DANGER, KIDS, LOOK OUT FOR YOURSELVES SO I DON’T HAVE TO COME RESCUE YOU also don’t get hit by cars cough@peter-parkourcough

 

no.1 SI intern @peter-parkour

OY

 

Iron Stank @TonyStark

Ok but Peter can you stop listening to that music

 

no.1 SI intern @peter-parkour

what do u mean mr stark

 

Iron Stank @TonyStark

…….....Emo music. That shit died in 2009 or something

 

no.1 SI intern @peter-parkour

oh fuck off I am Cultured this is the Good Shit how dare thou at least I don’t listen to Led Zeppelin at 3am while having a breakdown about accidentally fusing the iron man faceplate to the rest of the suit

 

Iron Stank @TonyStark

Wait no that was ACDC

 

Iron Stank @TonyStark

Wait no what do u mean that totally didn’t happen pshhhh no way

 

no.1 SI intern @peter-parkour

mhmm whatever u say, im gonna go back to binging all of mcr Goodbye

 

-

 

ya boi @burdenedwithgloriousfandoms

so uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh welcome to Miles’ Meta CornerTM…… this seems to be becoming a more regular fixture in my chapters. idk. If u don’t like it tell me Blease (seriously plz do)

 

ya boi @burdenedwithgloriousfandoms

i dunno ive just been Thinking (shocker, i know) and thought id share this bc i love and appreciate you guys

 

ya boi @burdenedwithgloriousfandoms

so i used to get like,,, kinda mad over ships like,, oh u ship stony? thats a Bad ship,, stucky is OBVIOUSLY THE BEST etc etc but now i really don’t give a shit. like zero shits. maybe one but ,,, Obviously if it’s a canonically extremely problematic ship ill be like hhhhhhhhh noooope that’s Not Good but otherwise im like huh that’s cool I mean I don’t ship it but its cool

 

ya boi @burdenedwithgloriousfandoms

I think this change is from several significant things so uh heres a list

  1. im more mature now than I was in say,,,, 2017….. and also more tired so I cant be bothered to give a shit about many things
  2. im not on tungle.hell anymore (I still have my old blog but I haven’t used it in ages)
  3. voltron happened and that whole thing was a complete shitshow and the fandom still scares me and I haven’t touched it since the last season so yeah ship wars are Very Not Fun
  4. twitter fics!! I binged a heap this year and still read the ones im subscribed to, and they always have all these ships that I don’t necessarily ship or even am aware of existing but theyre all pretty cool (even stony is generally great tbh. I mean im a hard-core stucky fan and team cap stan but on occasion I will end up reading a bit of stony) but I read them anyway bc im Thirsty for content and chat fics are so easily digestible and the background ships are,,, well,,,,,, background, so if I don’t really ship them then it doesn’t matter. but still, even if I don’t ship the ships theyre cool? Like?? Scott x tony??? Lmao what why how when????? That’s so fucking cool give me more.

 

ya boi @burdenedwithgloriousfandoms

oh also yknow what? twitter fics are so damn cool. like it can be literally just shitposting and u can try basically anything its like sandbox fic mode and people will actually read it! thats so damn cool. if u have ideas for a twit fic just go write and post it u will not regret

 

ya boi @burdenedwithgloriousfandoms

I have no clue if any of that makes sense but anyway uh yeehaw ig

 

ya boi @burdenedwithgloriousfandoms

I need to sleep more